Sex
ironcladlou
1) I have not had sex in two months.
2) Prof and Iwerks are gonna have a hard time beating this one.
Rewind to two weeks ago. Mrs. Lou got the go-ahead from her doctor to
have sex. They gave her that neato shot that prevents her from having
a period (thereby providing birth control) so for about a week or two
now, we've been good to go. Problem is, with the baby, and my night
job, we can't find the time.
The time is now 11AM, January 29th. I came home with half a dozen
roses and a gleam in my eye. She appreciated the flowers, and in reply
to my amorous advances, told me she wasn't in the mood. Now, the baby
was asleep in her swing in the living room, and wasn't going to be
awake for a while, so I wasn't about to pass up this opportunity. We
talked for a minute, and I came up with the theory that she hadn't
been horny in so long, her body had essentially forgotten what it was
like. She just needed a little jump start. She agreed that it sounded
logical, and off to the bedroom we went.
Fast forward ten minutes, and I'm a naked bloody mess in the bathroom,
and Mrs. Lou is laughing in the bedroom.
Pause, rewind, replay from the time we went in the bedroom. After
about a minute of foreplay, my theory proved correct, and she's ready
to go. I wanted to make REAL sure though, so I decided to take my
time. I won't get too graphic here, but I'm in the process of proving
how much of a cunning linguist I am, and she's digging it. I decide
she's had enough, and come up for air. All of a sudden, I see some
blood in her private area. This confused me, because I knew she wasn't
having her period or anything. Then I realized what was going on. I
GOT A FUCKING NOSEBLEED. Quite embarrassed, I retreat to the bathroom
to get some toilet paper.
Present time: I'm frustrated as hell. My bleeding incident totally
killed the mood for both of us. God has forsaken me. I'm never gonna
get laid again. This is all because I didn't fucking baptize Lily.
[SIGH]. Week 9, here I come.
--
ironcladlou
"I love you baby, but all I can think about is
Kielbasa sausage, your buttcheeks is warm
I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform
Now get it on." - Tenacious D, 'Kielbasa'
Laurel
will take time for Mrs. Lou's hormones to fall back inline with her
passion for you.
Two notes:
1) find a time when you're not working and get a family member to
babysit
2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
pesky winter nosebleed
Regards,
Laurel
Barfolomew
wrote:
<snip nosebleed story>
I laughed, I cried, it was a beautiful story. And you tell it so well.
I think you share too much. But don't stop.
Barfolomew - I'm my own best friend
Mr. Prime Mover Esq
>
> Present time: I'm frustrated as hell. My bleeding incident totally
> killed the mood for both of us. God has forsaken me. I'm never gonna
> get laid again. This is all because I didn't fucking baptize Lily.
> [SIGH]. Week 9, here I come.
>
>--
Awww Lou,
Come here
<SMACK!!!>
Too much sharing dood!
You haven't sex in two months. Awww poor baby! Boo hoo ;_;
Welcome to parenthood.
PM
Name: Prime Mover
AIM: Prime Mover 2112
ICQ: 59531957
MSN: pmo...@hotmail.com
George Rogic
> Then I realized what was going on. I GOT A FUCKING NOSEBLEED.
Get ready Lou... You're going to be encountering many more ironies during
your life together.
This is CLASSIC -- I'm eagerly awaiting Prof's and Iwerk's responses.
The bar has been raised...
George
Drewe Manton
It's measured in years with me, not weeks, and I'm not even a fucking
parent. . just lonely and unnatractive I guess <------insert sob here.
Weeks.
Pahhh!
Amateurs!
--
Regards
Drewe
"Better the pride that resides
In a citizen of the world
Than the pride that divides
When a colourful rag is unfurled"
-------------------------------------------------------
Jim Geiger
tell *you* when she's ready.
I didn't get any for six months.
Wifey had some problems with episiotomy scarring, but once she was healed she
was back to normal...or as close to normal as one could expect. :)
______________________________
Jim Geiger - nouveau anachronist
(insert pithy quote, here)
Dan Iwerks
<9c1e4ef1.02013...@posting.google.com>...
>Let me preface this story by saying two things:
>
>1) I have not had sex in two months.
>2) Prof and Iwerks are gonna have a hard time beating this one.
Ya know, Lou, I'm pefectly fine with you having the title here. Really. I
mean, Fecal Tarzan about topped me out. Really. Do appreciate the story.
I'm sure I'm gonna stop laughing eventually, right? I mean, my coworkers
are starting to look at me funny.
Guess this was just your way of paying her back for all the times she's bled
on you?
"Honey, I'm scared you lost too much blood during the birth. Let me give
you a transfusion."
Really. Great stories. Not too much information. Please, continue.
--
********************************************************************
Dan Iwerks, slave to the masses, hates "Rivendell".
The fundamental problem with Solipsism is it makes me
responsible for the fact that you're a complete idiot.
********************************************************************
Darin
>
> ironcladlou wrote in message
> <9c1e4ef1.02013...@posting.google.com>...
> >Let me preface this story by saying two things:
> >
> >1) I have not had sex in two months.
> >2) Prof and Iwerks are gonna have a hard time beating this one.
>
> Ya know, Lou, I'm pefectly fine with you having the title here. Really. I
> mean, Fecal Tarzan about topped me out. Really. Do appreciate the story.
>
> I'm sure I'm gonna stop laughing eventually, right? I mean, my coworkers
> are starting to look at me funny.
>
> Guess this was just your way of paying her back for all the times she's bled
> on you?
>
> "Honey, I'm scared you lost too much blood during the birth. Let me give
> you a transfusion."
>
> Really. Great stories. Not too much information. Please, continue.
> --
And just think, in ten or twelve years, when Lily is on the internet
searching around google and stumbles across these posts by her Dad
she'll have something to share with friends!
Darin
Mr. Prime Mover Esq
PM
--
Name: Prime Mover
AIM: Prime Mover 2112
ICQ: 59531957
MSN: pmo...@hotmail.com
"Jim Geiger" <jgei...@aol.comstockery> wrote in message
news:20020130091312...@mb-dh.aol.com...
Cygnia
> will take time for Mrs. Lou's hormones to fall back inline with her
> passion for you.
>
> Two notes:
>
> 1) find a time when you're not working and get a family member to
> babysit
>
> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
> pesky winter nosebleed
>
-->Hand jobs, Lou...you do for her & she'll do for you. This releases
some of the pressure & shows you care before you attempt to go back to
all-out boinking.
And yes, find a babysitter. :)
--cygnia, on a borrowed account, on borrowed time....
ironcladlou
> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
> pesky winter nosebleed
I don't get them often...I actually went 4 years without one, then in the
past year, I've had 2. It's friggin weird.
--
ironcladlou
This is the greatest, and the best post in the world.....tribute.
ironcladlou
> -->Hand jobs, Lou...you do for her & she'll do for you. This releases
> some of the pressure & shows you care before you attempt to go back to
> all-out boinking.
I've had a few of those since the baby. ;)
ironcladlou
> <snip nosebleed story>
>
> I laughed, I cried, it was a beautiful story. And you tell it so well.
>
> I think you share too much. But don't stop.
It's good to know I have fans. :)
ironcladlou
> Lou...get yourself a porn pass and a hand towel or a sock and let your
> wife tell *you* when she's ready.
She felt she was ready, she just didn't feel she was horny. I'm sure I'll
be getting some soon.
> I didn't get any for six months.
> Wifey had some problems with episiotomy scarring, but once she was
> healed she was back to normal...or as close to normal as one could
> expect. :)
Dude, that sucks. Mrs. Lou didn't have an episiotomy, but she tore, so we
had that to contend with. She seems to have healed up nicely, though.
ironcladlou
>>1) I have not had sex in two months.
>>2) Prof and Iwerks are gonna have a hard time beating this one.
>
> Ya know, Lou, I'm pefectly fine with you having the title here.
> Really. I mean, Fecal Tarzan about topped me out. Really. Do
> appreciate the story.
You're forgetting the Iwerks Method.
> I'm sure I'm gonna stop laughing eventually, right? I mean, my
> coworkers are starting to look at me funny.
That's the exact reaction I was going for. ;)
> Guess this was just your way of paying her back for all the times she's
> bled on you?
She hasn't bled on me all that much. Her red tide hasn't kissed my shore.
> "Honey, I'm scared you lost too much blood during the birth. Let me
> give you a transfusion."
> Really. Great stories. Not too much information. Please, continue.
ROFL, updates will be forthcoming.
Barfolomew
>Barfolomew spewed forth the following:
>
>> <snip nosebleed story>
>>
>> I laughed, I cried, it was a beautiful story. And you tell it so well.
>>
>> I think you share too much. But don't stop.
>
>It's good to know I have fans. :)
Well, being a fan of these types of stories indicates there's a
problem. I have a problem. ;-)
Damon Scott Hynes
> searching around google and stumbles across these posts by her Dad
> she'll have something to share with friends!
Oh shit--I am so Fcsked. I never thought about that. Okay. What I need is
a rilly big magnet. Deguauss the world!
--
Damon Hynes -- Waste of Bandwidth
http://home.att.net/~damonhynes/
The reviews are in:
"Dude, the pictures of your wife's rack won't load."
--from rec.autos.sport.nascar
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NebraskaInfoWomen/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheMarnyStanierAppreciationSociety/
Damon Scott Hynes
> She hasn't bled on me all that much. Her red tide hasn't kissed my shore.
Ouch. Now this song works on ANOTHER level!
Max C. Webster III
>Laurel spewed forth the following:
>
>> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
>> pesky winter nosebleed
>
>I don't get them often...I actually went 4 years without one, then in the
>past year, I've had 2. It's friggin weird.
IIRC, you smoke cigarettes. Back when I smoked, I suffered from nosebleeds.
When I quit, they went away.
I'm not sure there is a causal relationship there, but it's been suggested by
others to me.
- Max -
=======
2001: Thank gawd it's over!
The Professor
The Professor (all the other advice is good - also: lock the bathroom door
when you're in there "oiling your mitt")
"ironcladlou" <ironc...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:9c1e4ef1.02013...@posting.google.com...
The Professor
news:3C582396...@cjnetworks.com...
OH MY GOD!!!!! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit....
The Professor (scrambing to block google.com from Prof Jr. ;))
The Professor
disgusting. I mean my rhoid was not funny, you know? ;)
The Professor (can't top it at the moment though)
"ironcladlou" <ironc...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:9c1e4ef1.02013...@posting.google.com...
ironcladlou
> Mrs. Prof thought this was the funniest damn thing she ever heard. :)
>
> disgusting. I mean my rhoid was not funny, you know? ;)
Well, it was actually pretty funny at the time. I also once got a
nosebleed during the national anthem in 9th grade. There I am, right
hand over my heart, left hand with a finger jammed up my nostril in an
effort to stem the blood flow because I was too embarrased to
interrupt the song.
> The Professor (all the other advice is good - also: lock the bathroom door
> when you're in there "oiling your mitt")
I don't do it in the bathroom.
--
nosebleedlou
Dan Iwerks
>Dan Iwerks spewed forth the following:
>
>> give you a transfusion."
>> Really. Great stories. Not too much information. Please, continue.
>
>ROFL, updates will be forthcoming.
"Honey, I know I said I wanted a nose job for my birthday, but this really
isn't what I meant. Go get me a towel."
Daniel McConnell
On Wed, 30 Jan 2002, Laurel wrote:
> Lou... it will get better. Take it from someone who KNOWS. And, yes it
> will take time for Mrs. Lou's hormones to fall back inline with her
> passion for you.
>
> Two notes:
>
> 1) find a time when you're not working and get a family member to
> babysit
>
> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
> pesky winter nosebleed
>
and 3) Don't grind your nose into the clit so hard!
The Professor
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.02013...@linc.cis.upenn.edu...
LOL!!! Although that might work for some women....
The Professor (maybe he got caught on some jewelry down there)
ironcladlou
>>> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
>>> pesky winter nosebleed
>>
>>I don't get them often...I actually went 4 years without one, then in
>>the past year, I've had 2. It's friggin weird.
>
> IIRC, you smoke cigarettes. Back when I smoked, I suffered from
> nosebleeds. When I quit, they went away.
> I'm not sure there is a causal relationship there, but it's been
> suggested by others to me.
I get less nosebleeds since I've smoked, actually.
The Professor
news:Xns91A86E1032...@207.217.77.25...
> Max C. Webster III spewed forth the following:
>
> >>> 2) get a humidifier: this can decrease the chances of you getting a
> >>> pesky winter nosebleed
> >>
> >>I don't get them often...I actually went 4 years without one, then in
> >>the past year, I've had 2. It's friggin weird.
> >
> > IIRC, you smoke cigarettes. Back when I smoked, I suffered from
> > nosebleeds. When I quit, they went away.
> > I'm not sure there is a causal relationship there, but it's been
> > suggested by others to me.
>
> I get less nosebleeds since I've smoked, actually.
GRAMMAR ALERT!!!!
Lou should have said "I get *fewer* nosebleeds since I've smoked, acutally."
One should use "fewer" when the item in question is "countable," like
nosebleeds. One should use "less" when the item in question is *not
countable*, such as "My hemmorhoid is less painful than it was yesterday" or
"I have less lasagna in my freezer since Al came to visit."
My apologies for this outburst, but the kids have a snow day today and Mrs.
Prof has to work, so I'm taking a snow day too and I have to teach somehow!
The Professor (NP: Fly By Night - the guns replaced the plough / the swords
are tarnished now / the principles have been betrayed )
George Rogic
> The Professor (NP: Fly By Night...)
Aaaahhhhh... Rush and snow... A match made in the northern hemisphere.
George
Giovanni
"The Professor" <sgho...@aol.comrade> schreef in bericht
news:MWy68.6292$QG.8...@typhoon.nyroc.rr.com...
> > I get less nosebleeds since I've smoked, actually.
>
> GRAMMAR ALERT!!!!
>
> Lou should have said "I get *fewer* nosebleeds since I've smoked,
acutally."
>