Chocolate-coated potatoes? Is nothing sacred?
James Kibo Parry
is today announcing "Funky Fries".
"Funky" is not a word which should be used near any sort of food product.
No "funky", and no "stanky", please.
In a press release put out twelve minutes ago by Heinz's Ore-Ida subsidiary,
we are told:
-> Ore-Ida(R) Puts Fun Into Funky with the Introduction of Funky Fries(TM)
"Hey! The word 'funky' has 'fun' in it! Let's call our fries 'funky'!"
"Um, 'funky' is bad."
"Okay, let's use another word starting with 'fun'... How about 'Fungus Fries'?"
-> February 2002 (Newstream) -- Simply put they're not what a potato is
-> supposed to be.
"They're mutant! They're deformed! They're funky!"
-> They've never been seen before, and they come in radical flavors,
-> wacky shapes and cool colors.
Are you tired of serious shapes? If so, you need your food to be
mechanically processed into the wackiest shapes that robots can extrude!
Here's what a regular reconstituted potato log factory sounds like:
STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle)
...and here's what the Funky Fries Factory sounds like:
BLORCH!(wacky rectangle)BLORCH!(wacky rectangle)BLORCH!(wacky rectangle)
-> They're called Ore-Ida Funky Fries, and they're the wildest, wackiest,
-> most fun frozen food on the market today. Featuring five funky varieties
-> such as cinnamon and sugar, cocoa and even a blue variety,
Any child knows that eating even a bite of a green potato chip will
kill you instantly. What would eating a blue fry do? Make the Earth explode?
-> new Funky Fries are the most radical thing to hit french fries since
-> ketchup itself.
"This press release needs 30% more 'radical' and 14% more 'wacky'
according to our carefully-engineered computer simulation of
wacky radicalness."
-> "We expect Ore-Ida Funky Fries to be a huge hit with the whole family,
-> especially kids," said John Carroll, managing director for North American
-> potatoes and snacks at Heinz Frozen Food Company. "Kids will love new
-> Funky Fries because they are a wild new way to enjoy french fries. Plus,
-> Funky Fries can be enjoyed anytime - whether it's after school, during
-> mealtime or as an evening snack - especially among kids who want a truly
-> fun food."
->
-> Ore-Ida Funky Fries will be available to consumers this May in five
-> 20-ounce varieties:
->
-> * Cinna-Stiks(TM), cinnamon and sugar potatoes, perfect for breakfast,
-> snack time or any time;
-> * Cocoa Crispers(TM), cocoa-y potatoes, designed for kids with a sweet
-> tooth;
Kids who haven't yet lost all but one tooth might also enjoy the sugar-
coated grease.
-> * Kool Blue(TM), crispy, seasoned potatoes with a radical blue color
-> that are sure to light up traditional french fries;
WOW! BLUE FOOD IS SO KOOL! IT'S KOOL BECAUSE THERE'S NEVER BEEN
ANY BLUE FOOD BEFORE! <-- TOTALLY RADICAL SARCASM!
-> * Crunchy Rings(TM), cylindrical potatoes that crunch as they delight;
Please tell me there's no warning label, "MAY CAUSE GANGRENE OF THE PENIS".
-> and
->
-> * Sour Cream & Jive(TM), crispy potatoes seasoned with just the right
-> amount of sour cream and chive flavoring.
And 50% more jive!
I can't wait until Butterball brings out a Jive Turkey.
-> This unique line of french fries is made from wholesome, premium-quality
-> potatoes
which are then ruined
-> and is sure to become the most fun and flavorful invention among
-> frozen potatoes.
It will win the Nobel Prize For Encouraging Kids To Eat Rotten Potatoes
Which Have Been Dyed Blue To Disguise The Gray Spots!
-> The new product features eye-catching purple packaging and will be
-> available in the frozen potato aisle.
->
-> "Funky Fries are the newest addition to Ore-Ida's line of great-tasting
-> foods that deliver fun and innovative options," said Bob Ziehl, general
-> manager, Ore-Ida. "Kids who tasted Funky Fries said they definitely would
-> ask mom to buy one of these five varieties.
"But we also decided to market the other four gross ones."
-> In fact, Funky Fries received some of the highest research results
-> we've ever seen."
Especially from the highest focus groups. Dude, like, I'm not just eating
a blue potato! I'm bathing in the blue sunshine on a trip through the
cosmic blue potato of total awareness and like oh wow!
-> ABOUT ORE-IDA: Ore-Ida is the most trusted and popular name in the potato
-> and onion business. As the nation's leading marketer of frozen potatoes,
-> Ore-Ida produces a variety of products including Golden Fries(R) and Golden
-> Crinkles(R), Zesties!(R) and Crispers!(R), Steak Fries, Tater Tots(R),
I hereby claim the trademark "Steak Fries" because they forgot to (R) it.
Steak Fries(R) is a trademark of Kibo.
I'll let them have it back if they promise never to think of Blue Steak.
-> Hash Browns,
...and like oh wow I'm having a groovy callback!
-> Twice Baked,
...and like oh wow I'm having a groovy callback!
-> Mashed, Whipped and Sweet Potatoes and Onion Rings.
->
-> ABOUT HEINZ: With sales approaching US$10 billion and a pantheon of icon
-> brands,
ORE-IDA IS YOUR GOD NOW!
-> H.J. Heinz Company is one of the world's leading marketers of
-> high-quality ketchup, sauces, meals, soups, snacks and infant foods to
-> consumers everywhere, whether in supermarkets, restaurants or on the go.
-> Its 50 companies operate in some 200 countries, with more than 20 power
-> brands, including the Heinz(R) brand with nearly US$3 billion in annual
-> sales. Among the company's famous brands are HeinzÒ, StarKist®, Ore-Ida®,
Hey, they misspelled "(R)" as an O with an accent mark. Too bad!
I hereby claim the trademarks "Heinz" and "Heinzo'", all rights reserved.
Heinz(R) and Heinzo'(R) are trademarks of Kibo. Finders keepers,
losers weepers, funky taters!
-> 9-Lives(R), Wattie's(R), Plasmon(R), Classico(R), Smart Ones(R),
-> Bagel Bites(R), Delimex(R), Poppers(R), John West(R), Petit Navire(R),
-> Kibbles`n Bits(R), Pounce(R), Pup-Peroni(R), Orlando(R), ABC(R),
-> Olivine(R), Jufran(R) and Pudliszki(R).
FUNKY BLUE TATERS, NEW FROM THE MAKERS OF DOZENS OF KINDS OF DOG FOOD
AND SOMETHING CALLED "PLASMON"! IT MAKES THE BLUE FRIES SEEM NOT GROSS
BY COMPARISON! THEY'RE FUNKY, BUT IN A GOOD WAY!
-> Heinz also uses the famous brands Weight Watchers(R), Boston Market(R),
-> TGIF(R) and Linda McCartney(R) under license.
Look for funky blue Linda McCartney in your grocer's freezer.
-> Information on Heinz is available at http://www.heinz.com.
Wow! I could go read this same press release ON THE INTERNET!
-- K.
The teal fries are
pretty gross-looking,
even in the carefully-
styled posed ray-traced
retouched glamour shot
accompanying the press
release. But they still
look less gross than
the warm brown chocolate-
coated ones. Tater Turds!
Mouschi
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) spake thusly:
> -> They're called Ore-Ida Funky Fries, and they're the wildest,
> wackiest, -> most fun frozen food on the market today. Featuring five
> funky varieties -> such as cinnamon and sugar, cocoa and even a blue
> variety,
Why is blue a flavor? This was a trend begun long ago, well before Heinz
decided to find a way for kids to have LOTS MORE FUN applying their
purple ketchup to things. I remember that among tart candies, you had
apple, strawberry, banana, grape... and the blue ones. Gatorade comes in
watery lemon, watery pineapple, watery peach... and watery blue (in three
different shades, as previously noted). Is it because kids LOVE the
color blue, but HATE the taste of blueberries? I know suckers come in
"blue raspberry" flavor, and I still don't know why. Why not "dark red
raspberry," as the Heavenly Host intended suckers to be flavored? Why
has Blue been placed above all other colors, unfettered by the flavor
restrictions undergone by other colors? If my push-pop is orange, it had
better taste like oranges or peaches or something that is naturally
orangish! If my push-pop is red, it had better taste like cherries or
maybe apples or perhaps watermelons or strawberries. But if my push-pop
is blue, I have a vague hope that it will taste kind of good. I can't
hold it accountable more than that! There must be justice for blue, just
as there is for red! And purple! And all the other colors of the
rainbow!
This message has been brought to you by the American Anti-Blue Advocacy
Conspiracy(R)
--
--Mouschi
ICQ# 131206712
"Who knows what darkness lurks in the hivemind tonight."
--Holly the Philosopher-Bot
Sherilyn
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>
>"Hey! The word 'funky' has 'fun' in it! Let's call our fries 'funky'!"
Hey, funky has 'KY' in it, does that mean we can use funky fries as a
lubricant?
[...]
--
Sherilyn "you may never want to eat fries again..."
Talysman the Ur-Beatle
"James "Kibo" Parry" <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in message
news:kibo-11020...@ppp0b008.std.com...
> Heinz, who brought us bile green ketchup, and nuclear purple
ketchup,
> is today announcing "Funky Fries".
[ amazing Ore-Ida plans snipped ]
I'm glad they're doing this! because, you know, it's SO HARD to
convince children to eat french fries! french fries are the scariest
food kids can imagine! that's why mcdonald's happy meal come with
deep-fried brussels sprouts instead of french fries! because even a
clown knows that kids hate french fries!
Andrew J. Zimolzak
(James "Kibo" Parry) to goon on alt.religion.kibology.
> -> "We expect Ore-Ida Funky Fries to be a huge hit with the whole family,
> -> especially kids," said John Carroll, managing director for North American
> -> potatoes and snacks at Heinz Frozen Food Company.
IWPTA something about the "managing dictator" of the Jesuit
University in Cleveland.
> Look for funky blue Linda McCartney in your grocer's freezer.
"You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in them."
Also, have you read any of the other wretched press releases on
Heinz's site?
-> Today, Heinz officially launched Ketchup KICK'RS(TM), a line of
-> flavored ketchup designed to feed adults' passion for bolder
-> flavors and more excitement at mealtime.
We have to say "KICK'RS" because we recently demanded that Kris Brown
change his legal name to "Ketchup KICKER(TM)".
-> Offered in three varieties -- Zesty Garlic, Hot & Spicy and Smokey
-> Mesquite -- Ketchup KICK'RS gives ordinary meals an extra kick of
-> flavor and leaves flavor cravers salivating for more.
If, in the throes of mealtime passion, I ever reach such heights of
mealtime excitement that I can't contain my mealtime saliva, I want
everyone in the world to stab me right in the heart.
[Another press release]
-> [Heinz Ketchup's Love Apple Pie] was given its name because it has
-> a dash of Heinz Tomato Ketchup, and because the tomato was once
-> known as "the apple of love" to the French and Italians, possibly
-> because of the belief that it was an aphrodisiac.
It's pretty disturbing that Heinz Ketchup insists that all consumers
merge hunger with sexual urges. At this point, I should make a joke
involving the movie _American Pie_, and I should use the punch line
"puts a whole new spin on the term 'bloody mary'," but I've grossed
myself out enough for one post.
Heinz trusts us to realize by ourselves that the real genius of the
love-tomato connection is that tomatoes are red and vaguely heart-
shaped. So next time you cut up a tomato, pretend you're stabbing at
someone's still-beating, blood-filled heart.
For Groundhog Day, they should've invented Groundhog Apple Pie, which
has a dash of Ore-Ida potatoes, which are currently known as "apples
of the ground" to the French, possibly because of the belief that
they come from the ground. Then, they should add a dash of dirt and
a dash of groundhog, just to ward off any false-advertising lawsuits.
--
Andy Z.
"My name does not need to be used and talking about me is not
needed." --Kurt Stocklmeir
Joseph Michael Bay
>we are told:
>-> Ore-Ida(R) Puts Fun Into Funky with the Introduction of Funky Fries(TM)
>"Hey! The word 'funky' has 'fun' in it! Let's call our fries 'funky'!"
>"Um, 'funky' is bad."
Smell the Fry.
>"Okay, let's use another word starting with 'fun'... How about 'Fungus Fries'?"
"Funzo fries?"
>-> February 2002 (Newstream) -- Simply put they're not what a potato is
>-> supposed to be.
>"They're mutant! They're deformed! They're funky!"
>-> They've never been seen before, and they come in radical flavors,
>-> wacky shapes and cool colors.
>Are you tired of serious shapes? If so, you need your food to be
>mechanically processed into the wackiest shapes that robots can extrude!
The cool thing is that square fries with radical flavor are just regular.
--
Joseph M. Bay Lamont Sanford Junior University
Putting the "harm" in molecular pharmacology since 1998
Go there.
Do you like http://www.stanford.edu/~jmbay gladiator movies?
Xcott Craver
>->
>-> ABOUT HEINZ: With sales approaching US$10 billion and a pantheon of icon
>-> brands,
>
>ORE-IDA IS YOUR GOD NOW!
Did I miss the obligatory "Ore-Qaida" joke, or did someone
not make it yet?
-X
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Heinz, who brought us bile green ketchup, and nuclear purple ketchup,
> > is today announcing "Funky Fries".
>
> [ amazing Ore-Ida plans snipped ]
>
> I'm glad they're doing this! because, you know, it's SO HARD to
> convince children to eat french fries! french fries are the scariest
> food kids can imagine! that's why mcdonald's happy meal come with
> deep-fried brussels sprouts instead of french fries! because even a
> clown knows that kids hate french fries!
Well, I'm sure his kids do. I mean, if your dad was a hamburger clown,
wouldn't you be really sick of eating his fries?
Speaking of Ronald McDonald, did anyone else notice that when they
redesigned him a little (a few months back) they decided that his
clown shoes would be funnier if they were LESS big? They made them
"more like Doc Martens" and I am not making that up. They also made
his hair stringier (so now he has more of a Whoopi Goldberg semi-dreadlock
look as opposed to the original Red Afro) and widened the stripes on
that long underwear he wears under his jodhpur overalls.
Also, on Ronald McDonald's own Web site (www.ronald.com), he wants
me to play "Pylon Pile-On" with him, which might be something perverted
or it might just be something about orange traffic cones. It must
be the former, because there's no such thing as an orange cone in
Ronald's world where everything is safe and the only colors are
ketchup and mustard. Orange things only exist on the other side of
the barbed wire fence separating McDonaldland from Orange Juliusville.
Okay, I installed the latest version of Shockwave Flash just so I
could play the stupid Pylon Pile-On game. (It refused to run under
last month's version. And the new one demanded that I triple the
memory allocation of my Web browser.) It's just a lame knockoff of
"Frogger" by way of ripping off "Toy Story 2" -- you have to hop
an orange cone (represented by an orange square with a nipple in
the middle) across a busy street filled with a mixture of police
cars, racecars, and evil flying hamburgers. Apparently McDonalds
food drives around all by itself to help give even more people
heart attacks. And, for some reason, there are a bunch of empty
park benches of different sizes facing the highway and your life
isn't complete unless you can put orange cones between the benches
which face this stupid highway which has six lanes with no two
adjacent lanes going in the same direction, just to make it impossible
for anyone to make a left turn without being in five auto accidents.
And it goes "BLORCH!" when a hamburger runs over a cone.
And it stops after Level 3. It just STOPS. Wouldn't want the kids
to actually enjoy themselves for too long, now would we?
Such a bad game. Completely unoriginal, wimpy, nonsensical, and
worst of all, everyone gets the same score because it stops while
it's still easy.
Wouldn't want to frustrate the kids by having there be any game
in the game, would we?
-- K.
BECAUSE OF THIS GAME,
I AM GOING TO CONTINUE
BOYCOTTING McDONALDS!
Glenn Knickerbocker
> -> new Funky Fries are the most radical thing to hit french fries since
> -> ketchup itself.
One might have thought that potatoes were, by literal definition, the
most radical thing to hit french fries ever.
ŹR
Joseph Michael Bay
>Speaking of Ronald McDonald, did anyone else notice that when they
>redesigned him a little (a few months back) they decided that his
>clown shoes would be funnier if they were LESS big? They made them
>"more like Doc Martens" and I am not making that up. They also made
>his hair stringier (so now he has more of a Whoopi Goldberg semi-dreadlock
>look as opposed to the original Red Afro) and widened the stripes on
>that long underwear he wears under his jodhpur overalls.
This was in a press release. I thought you posted it.
Also, Ronald listens to The Toasters and says Oi Oi Oi! a lot more now.
Glenn Knickerbocker
> Also, on Ronald McDonald's own Web site (www.ronald.com), he wants
> me to play "Pylon Pile-On" with him, which might be something perverted
> or it might just be something about orange traffic cones.
I categorically deny that there was any chance of this when Let's Active
were at my friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Some things simply
defy imagination.
ŹR
Dean Lenort
> Heinz, who brought us bile green ketchup, and nuclear purple ketchup,
> is today announcing "Funky Fries".
So have they trademarked "Funky Wangerbeans" yet? Because if they're
looking for gross sounding food-like names that have already established
scads of name recognition with the hip youths of today, I think you'll all
agree that "Funky Wangerbeans" beats the pants off of anything that Heinz
has proposed.
--
Dean Lenort dean....@att.net
"Here, have a lutefisk. ><>" - Lupus Yonderboy
Dean Lenort
> If, in the throes of mealtime passion, I ever reach such heights of
> mealtime excitement that I can't contain my mealtime saliva, I want
> everyone in the world to stab me right in the heart.
[...]
> Heinz trusts us to realize by ourselves that the real genius of the
> love-tomato connection is that tomatoes are red and vaguely heart-
> shaped. So next time you cut up a tomato, pretend you're stabbing at
> someone's still-beating, blood-filled heart.
Well okay, but I'm going to have to picture the tomato doing a whole lotta
salivating to not feel bad about doing the fell deed.
Has anyone ever seen a salivating tomato, or know someone that has? (The
management would be most appreciative if you could please restrict your
answers to references to the produce variety of "tomato" rather than the
'50s gumshoe style of "tomato". Sweetheart. (The management would also
like to inform you that the term "sweetheart" was meant to be evocative of
the '50s gumshoe style of "sweetheart" rather than of a particular type of
ripened tomato type of "sweetheart".))
--
Dean Lenort | Do you still hear the bleating of the
dean....@att.net | reindeer, Clarice? - Jeremy Impson
Talysman the Ur-Beatle
> "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (taly...@globalsurrealism.com) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Heinz, who brought us bile green ketchup, and nuclear purple ketchup,
> > > is today announcing "Funky Fries".
> >
> > [ amazing Ore-Ida plans snipped ]
> >
> > I'm glad they're doing this! because, you know, it's SO HARD to
> > convince children to eat french fries! french fries are the scariest
> > food kids can imagine! that's why mcdonald's happy meal come with
> > deep-fried brussels sprouts instead of french fries! because even a
> > clown knows that kids hate french fries!
>
> Well, I'm sure his kids do. I mean, if your dad was a hamburger clown,
> wouldn't you be really sick of eating his fries?
yes, in fact, if my clowndad serves us french fries with
a side of fries and a french fry shake ONE MORE TIME, I
am going to yell "ram it, clown!" and then I am going to
mail pictures of dead presidents to soupy sales.
> Speaking of Ronald McDonald, did anyone else notice that when they
> redesigned him a little (a few months back) they decided that his
> clown shoes would be funnier if they were LESS big? They made them
> "more like Doc Martens" and I am not making that up. They also made
> his hair stringier (so now he has more of a Whoopi Goldberg semi-dreadlock
> look as opposed to the original Red Afro) and widened the stripes on
> that long underwear he wears under his jodhpur overalls.
I think ronald wears doc martens now because he's angrier
and wants to KICK KIDS IN THE ASS. either that, or mcd's
was planning a "doc mcmartens" product spinoff (and now
you spoiled their plans!)
or else they thought srpay painting doc martens orange was
cheaper than buying special order clown shoes.
anyways, I have not been following the whole ronald thing
ever since his voice changed. I mean, it's worse than the
two darrins! the guy is definitely not the real ronald!
robert lindsay
Glenn Knickerbocker <No...@bestweb.net> wrote:
>James Kibo Parry wrote:
>> Also, on Ronald McDonald's own Web site (www.ronald.com), he wants
>> me to play "Pylon Pile-On" with him, which might be something perverted
>> or it might just be something about orange traffic cones.
>
>I categorically deny that there was any chance of this when Let's Active
Having been outscened again by Mr. Knickerbocker, I will mearly state
that _I_ know Alice Despard, and _SHE_ gets CHristmas cards every
year from Mitch Easter. So nyah.
Also, they went way downhill after the first LP.
--
Robert Lindsay, NASA - Goddard, Greenbelt MD rlin...@seadas.gsfc.nasa.gov
#include <standard_disclaimer.h> 301-286-9958 ISTJ NON SVM ACERBVS
==========IGNORE==INTERNET==HECKLERS================= [Hammond]
What once was thought, is now a shiver. -Alice Despard
Glenn Knickerbocker
> Glenn Knickerbocker <No...@bestweb.net> wrote:
> >I categorically deny that there was any chance of this when Let's Active
> Having been outscened again by Mr. Knickerbocker, I will mearly state
Wait, I never said *I* got to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my friend's
house.
ŹR