[Sith War 2002] Posters of RASSM Past (or, The Magic of Google)

[Sean Walsh]

The story so far...
***
Ponte is f*cking a clone, who is apparently going to turn into a man...
Just wanted to point that out.
***
In the dungeon of Lord Salacious Crumb of NeoGesis, Herve and Piett have
been thrown into a murky pit of mud, pee and doo-doo.
"In a sense, this is nothing different that our constant online adventures.
Found at http://www.geocities.com/quantumpiett"
"Herve, when was the last time Walsh had you face-first in another man's
crap?"
"It was a Ponte-written story, I'm sure."
"Well...........since I barely ever pay attention to those stories, I'll let
it slide."
One of the denizens of the dungeon approachs them.
"Did...did you say Ponte? Is that Ponte...the Love Machine?"
"Oh God no, they know who he is here!"
"I...I used to post on a newsgroup. He was one of the more interesting
people there. But he had a friend, who used to post the most insipid stupid
fan-fiction stories I've ever seen."
"Really?"
"He said they were humor. They were shit. Star Wars versus Titanic...Jesus,
I'm glad I'm a slave to Salacious B. Crumb now."
"Oh shut up, Cosmo Kramer. What's your problem with this Sean Walsh's humor
stories?! They were pretty funny."
"Quit it, Shefali Asthana. You're just a tool of Walsh's unfunny comedy. The
same for all of you! Mazlow, Adam Kohen, Melina Burtscher, Gidon E.
Rosenthol..."
"Stop pestering us, Cosmo!"
"That's likely of you to say, Kessler, holed up over there in your fucking
corner!"
"Is the cussing really necessary?!"
"Yes it is, Jedibear50."
"Don't make me kick your ass, Kramer!" yells a defiant prisoner nearby.
"Bring it on, JamesG! You woman!"
JamesG goes to attack Cosmo Kramer, but is held back by another.
"Dammit, Eric Bycer! Get your hands off me!"
"Okay, this is getting crazy."
"Yeah. I'm gonna go get a guard to come in here and kill us. Come on, Piett,
let's go put ourselves out of our misery."
Everyone in the cell freezes.
"P-p-p-piett? Did you say......are you Admiral Piett?"
"Yeah? What's it to you?"
The crowd parts. JamesG takes a woman, ragged by years of confinement, by
the arm, lifts her from her seat against the dungeon wall, and helps her
walk up to Piett. She squints, looking carefully at his face. Almost
immediately, her eyes light up, as she truly recognizes Piett.
"Admiral Piett, it is you, it is you!!"
The woman grabs and hugs Piett.
"Gah! Cooties!"
"My name is Davin Felth, Mr. Piett! I'm your biggest fan."
"Um...okay..."
"We all are, Piett! We are from RASSM, the greatest online community of Star
Wars fans ever!"
"So what are you all doing here?"
"We used to post there all the time, but all of us were abducted over the
last few years. We assume by Salacious B. Crumb."
"Enough of this silly nonsense," Herve interrupts. "Look at me! I'm Herve
Villechaize! Hey hey! If you guys love Piett, you'll certain love me!"
A silence overcomes the room. Then, Cosmo Kramer shouts out from the back.
"Say, 'De plane, de plane!'"
"AARRRGGHHH!!"
Herve flies through the air and tackles his target, gnawing at his throat
with bloody results. The crowd gathers around, trying to pry the little man.
But it is too late for Cosmo Kramer, Walsh humor hater.
"Someone see if he's still alive!" Davin Felth yells.
Bas-Jan Walewijk steps forward and checks the body.
"Nope. He's as dead as a doornail..." Bas-Jan grimly responds.
"Oh well," Davin replies, and the group filters back all over the dungeon.
"So you're all just content with staying imprisoned here?"
"Hey, it's free room and board. Sure there's that living in our own filth
thing, but it's a side issue really."
"Well, don't worry. The three of us will get you guys out of here!"
"Three of you, shortstuff? I only see two."
Piett and Herve look around, and see that Sean Walsh is nowhere to be found.
"Where the hell did Sean go?!"
***
Some distance away, within the palace of Lord Salacious Crumb, Sean Walsh is
in a stasis field, floating in place in a enclosed room. The energy beams
keeping him confined slowly twirl him around, as he looks helplessly at
giant portraits of Lord Crumb and his many accomplishments. The door to the
room opens, and Walsh turns his head slightly to see a large figure entering
the room.
"Holy crap, it's Christopher Lee. This is so......"
The figure steps into the light: it is Lord Michael Ponte: The Love
Machine."
"Awful. This is so awful."
"I'm flattered you thought I was Christopher Lee. But unlike Mr. Lee, I am
young and full of life!"
"Yes. And unlike Christopher Lee, you don't give a good performance in all
your appearances."
Ponte grumbles, and starts walking around the room. "I apologize I had to
confine you like this, Walsh, but as you know this is the Sith War. And NO
ONE leaves the Sith War."
"Screw the Sith War. This is about you having some desire to humiliate me
and make me dress up as a woman, you pervert."
"Ponte is not a pervert! You take that back!"
"Don't you remember all those underaged girls you used to romance and get
into the sack with you at Chad's Chowderhouse?"
"How dare you!"
"You're right...I'm sorry. Not 'used to.' You still do that!!"
"Be thankful I don't kill you right now, you fool!"
"Why don't you?"
"Because I have more embarassing situations to put you in, Walsh! You'll rue
the day you crossed me and the Sith War!"
The door to the room opens again, and Lord Salacious Crumb enters on a small
floating raft.
"So, Lord Ponte, is the prisoner ready for his execution?"
"What?!" Ponte is outraged.
"Yes." Sean is happy.
"All right then," Crumb acknowledges, "let's get this party started."
"But...the Sith War...I...he..."
"Quit babbling, my young apprentice."
"Wait, wait...Ponte is your apprentice?"
"Yes. granted, he wasn't the first. Or the best.
"You're lucky I have my own woman to screw. Otherwise I'd be VERY ticked off
right now. Come Britney'Pi!" The door opens, and Britney'Pi enters. She
takes Ponte's arm, and they leave the room.
Walsh leans over slightly to Crumb. "I'll bet you he keeps telling her to do
that and she doesn't."
"HEY!! I heard that!!"
Crumb chuckles. "Good one, Walsh. But time to die now."
"Fair enough."
***
In the giant arena of Salacious Crumb's palace, Sean Walsh is led out into
the center, as he joins Herve, Piett and the remaining RASSMers.
"Hey yo, gees. What up?" Sean, Piett and Herve all shake hands.
"Walsh! Where were you?"
"I was being held by Crumb and Ponte."
"Ponte's here?!" Piett exclaims. "God dammit, won't that fat bastard ever
stay dead?!"
"Turns out Ponte is Crumb's apprentice, or some such nonsense like that."
"Heh," Herve replies. "Ponte's master is a puppet. That works on so many
levels."
"They brought me out here to execute me. I'll assume you guys are dying
too."
"They...they said they were going to use us to play a game of human
chess..." Herve looks up at Crumb's booth and angrily shakes his fist. "YOU
SAID WE WERE GOING TO USE US TO PLAY A GAME OF HUMAN CHESS!!!!"
"Um, Herve? I think they were just kidding to get us to come out here
without a fight."
"Well, I know that now!!"
"Who are all these guys?" Sean asks as he points to the other people
assembled.
"They say they belong to...RASSM..."
"RASSM?! Good grief, who are you guys?"
"Oh please, no more name-dropping. Let's just die already."
"Okay then. At long as it means no more Sith War."
High above (but not that high; Pontey's scared of heights)--
"I heard that too!!"
--Lord Crumb approachs his podium and speaks.
"Fair gentlebeings of NeoGesis. I welcome you to our annual KillFest
spectacular! This year, a most interesting array of corpses-to-be. Behold,
from the world of Star Wars: Admiral Piett!"
A few people cheer.
"And from The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight and Airplane II: The Sequel,
the unbelievably short Herve Villechaize!"
No one cheers.
"Yeah? I'll kill every last one of you!"
"And finally, Sean Walsh and a bunch of schlubs from R-A-S-S-M. Internet
geeks or something."
Again, no one cheers. But instead of silence...there is discontent brewing.
"And now, let the killing commence!"
"NO!"
A lone voice from the crowd rings throughout the arena.
"What is this? How dare you defy the word of Salacious B. Crumb!!"
"I will not stand by and allow our fellow Internet geeks to be murdered so
callously and ruthlessly!"
"I can't believe th--"
"We are the inhabitants of NeoGesis, and subjects of Salacious Crumb, yes.
But more importantly, we are............LURKERS OF RASSM!!!"
"What???"
One by one, the crowd assembled stand up, joining in their hatred to Crumb's
word.
"And we will not allow you and your evil regime continue any longer. You
have declared yourself enemies of these RASSMers.....and so you declare
yourself of US!!! Now, my friend......REVOLT!!!!"
A shakes the very arena. Crumb moves back, allowing his personal guard of
Steve McQueen droids to defend him. But they don't. Some, and then all,
begin to run away.
"Defend me, you cowards!!"
"Fuck that, master!" the guard commander shouts as he retreats. "You pay us
to protect you......but you've pissed off Internet geeks this time! No money
in the world can pay us to get involved in THIS shit! So long, dead man!"
"I don't pay you.......oh...AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!"
Crumb is tackled by dozens of his subjects. Within seconds, his puppetform
is tossed about until it hits the arena floor. Herve steps on his sternum.
"Who's short now, Crumb?"
"Please. I surrender. Don't kill me!"
The RASSM prisoners approach him. Davin Felth steps forward.
"Now you'll pay for abducting us from our homes and keeping us imprisoned
all this time, Crumb."
"Me?! I never abducted you. It was..."
"It was who, Crumb?"
"I promised him not to tell."
"We can kill you nice and slow-like, Crumb."
"He's good at doing that, Crumb."
A pause, then Crumb cries out.
"IT WAS DRAKE!!!!!!!!"
Instantly, Salacious Crumb's head explodes, as if a bomb placed in his head
went off at the very mention of his name.
"Drake..." Davin Felth grumbles.
"That bastard," JamesG adds.
"Isn't Drake that guy in the Porn Star, or whatever it's called." Piett
asks.
Sean sighs. "Yes. Yes it is."
"So let's get him!" Herve shouts. The RASSMers, and a small group of
remaining lurkers, chime in.
"Ugh. I try to get out...and they pull me back in. Oh fuck this shit, let's
go."
Sean and the Quantum RASSM Gang dash to the palace docking bay, to retrive
Piett's Ford Mustang and additional ships. Some time later, their various
and assorted starcrafts launch from the surface of NeoGesis, as the palace
is destroyed below by the revolting people of the planet.

Destination: the Porn Star.

***
A small Burito ship soars away from NeoGesis; its occupants unaware to the
chaos that has been unleashed on the world below. Ponte calmly sits in the
passenger's seat, as BJ-69 flies the craft back to the safety of Drake's
Porn Star.
"And let me cleverly say: I'm not the only BJ in here. Hint, hint."
"Silence, BJ-69! Get us to the Porn Star quickly. My droids on the planet
indicate that Master Crumb is dead. I'll need the safety of the Porn Star to
protect me, so that I may begin my reign with a powerful weapon in my
possess..."
Ponte stops, as he's noticed Britney'Pi has stopped.
"Um...Pontey?"
"Yes my love?"
"Got a problem here."
Ponte looks down.
"Uh..."
"Ah..."
"You're..."
"I'm..."

"A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***
In summary:
Sean, Herve, Piett and the RASSMers are saved by the Internet geeks of
NeoGesis: fellow inhabitants of RASSM.
Salacious Crumb is killed, but not before revealing that Drake abducted the
lost RASSMers.
Sean and his allies leave, following an unknowing Ponte to the Porn Star.
Ponte is the new master of NeoGesis and the Empire of Crumb.
***

And Britney'Pi turns into a man.
Which means Ponte may or may not still be f*cking him/her. We'll see...

Sean
:)

--
New Gods Library: http://fastbak.tripod.com
Quantum Piett! http://www.geocities.com/quantumpiett/
My latest eBay auctions: http://members.ebay.com/aboutme/slwalsh/