Larry King

[OedipusMas]

I found this in the on-line magazine The Onion. I found it rather Funny.

Travis

I Am Fucking Insane

Larry King's People
By Larry King

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five
minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school.... It's a
shame what's happening in Sarajevo.... There is nothing more pleasurable than
spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV.... Don't count out
Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race.... If you see my good friend Harry,
tell him to give me a call.... Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so
consistently delicious.... I just thought of a great question to ask Jan
Michael Vincent.... Boy, do I hate this shirt.... What's that guy over there
doing?.... The Amish make fine houses.... I wish Freddie Prinze was alive today
so we could both laugh.... Some of the most beautiful women in the world work
in diners.... Sex after 60 may be a challenge, but I like challenges.... If I
had four awards to give, I would give them all to the Golden Girls.... I cannot
wait to see what the producers of Logan's Run are up to next.... Teach a poor
city kid how to love and you've made the world slightly better.... Help, I'm
stuck on a ledge!.... Get out of my house!.... Please don't ever leave me
again.... What in God's name am I talking about here, anyway?.... Look up
"inventive" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Shields &
Yarnell.... I don't give a fuck who you are; I paid the goddamn bill.... The
difference between top-shelf vodka and bottom-shelf vodka is only a few
dollars.... Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us.... I am
always amazed at the depth of TV's Angie, Donna Pescow.... My earwax is
impacted.... Shoes make the man, but it takes men and women working together to
make a pair of shoes.... Cutting down on sugar is a great way to lower
gastrointestinal discomfort.... There's a nice food restaurant on the corner of
Belmont and Shanks.... Betrayal can bring about the coldest season of the human
heart.... I disapprove of anyone who might cheat on a test.... Check out the
rack on that Bernadette Peters.... Will someone help me get these curlers out
of my hair?.... I am afraid of scary bats.... Hey, there's pears in this
Jell-O!.... All the people who were ever important to me are dead.... Lord
Jesus, how I wish I was Robert Wagner.... Always carry a hammer with you.... I
forgot to refrigerate the butter.... The brown bananas taste very, very
different.... Are you famous? If so, I love you!.... Where's my
Bromo-Seltzer?.... There's nothing like breathable black dress socks on a sunny
day.... Somehow I got all wet again.... If you look up marmosets in the
dictionary, you'll find a picture of a small furry mammal.... Christ, my
freakin' head is spinning!.... What was I talking about again? Oh yeah....
Charles Kuralt has worn some of the finest sweaters known to man.... How in
God's name did this M.A.S.H. show get cancelled?.... Those armchairs with the
swing-out foot rests are a true godsend.... My brown belt. Where the hell did I
put that damn thing?.... Not so tight.... Have you ever noticed you park in the
driveway but you drive to the movies in your car?.... That Ellen Burstyn has
still got it.... If I could be any nationality in the world, I'd be Flemish....
Milton Berle is hung like an ox.... Of all the major religions, Buddhism has
the best outfits.... If I was God for a day, I would eliminate the terrible
scourge of rickets.... These scabs are not healing as quickly as I would have
hoped.... That Eartha Kitt is one dynamite lady--and a class act to boot.