A Lampoon in NFB over the demise of Talibanism in Afghanistan
Jaffor Ullah
News From Bangladesh
November 16, 2001
The Untimely Demise of Talibanism
Toiletry companies of the West did them in
By A.H. Jaffor Ullah
Much to the chagrin of Mullah Omar and his partner Osama bin Laden,
Talibanism is becoming a history as American bombers are relentlessly
pounding the southern part of Afghanistan. The foregone conclusion is that
Talibanism will be wiped out completely from this dusty land of Pashtuns,
Hazaras, Uzbeks, Tajiks, and few more minority ethnic folks. As of this
writing, the Talibans are hardly controlling 15-20% of Afghanistan. In
about a week or so, this number may dwindle to a single digit. And in about
a month time, there won't be any vestiges of Talibanism in the entire
Afghanistan. That is what is called "easy-come-easy-go."
You see, Talibans are a brainchild of Pakistan's ignoble ISI. They wanted
to kill two birds with one stone. Therefore, they created Talibans in the
dusty city of Peshawar. In late 1970s when trouble flared up in
Afghanistan, many Afghan women with their kids moved to Pakistan for safety.
The refugees placed their boys into Madrassahs (Al Haqqania is one of them).
Mullah Omar was a young man then who attended the Haqqania Madrassah. All
these Madrassahs produced tons of students. These students are called
Taliban in Arabic. There you go! Now you know why they are called
Talibans. The word Taliban is plural. Therefore, we do mistake every time
we pluralize the word Taliban to Talibans. Pakistan's ISI wanted to control
the fate of Afghanistan in the aftermath of Russo-Afghan War. They
correctly saw a power vacuum in Afghanistan when the last Russki soldier had
departed from the Afghan soil. The Talibans were given lots of AKs and a
crash course in Kalshnikov AK-47 to AK-100. If a kid could lift an AK-47
and shoot, he became an instantant Talibani brand of Mujahedeen. They were
told that this world is a temporary place anyway. If they would die
fighting the war for Islam, they will bypass the purgatory (Gor Ajab) and
they will go straight to Zannat-i-Firdous (The best of the Muslim Heaven).
Afghani moms and dads loved it. And the kids join the Taliban movement by
droves. The ISI man recruiting them in the Kissakhani Bazaar or in
Landikotal (a frontier town in NWFP) stood there laughing his heart out. It
is so easy to recruit these gullible Afghan boys! Mind you, Pakistan
government not only wanted to control Afghanistan politically through
Talibans, they also wanted to recruit Jihadist to fight their proxy war in
hills, mountains, and valleys of fabled Kashmir. The idea is to destabilize
Kashmir as much as possible. It is the policy of - "if I can't have it, you
can't have it either!" In the last few years, these mujahedeens took the
difficult trip to Kashmir from Kandahar through the tortuous and torturous
mountain roads. They carried out so many of those ISI-trained suicide
missions inside the Kashmir that Indian army was befuddled because this
warfare falls outside the realm of traditional warfare. The Islamic world
is producing tons of kids who are just growing up in squalid environment in
abject poverty. To them, this transient world has no real meaning.
Therefore, fighting for the cause of Islam makes hell of a sense. They take
their black colored Kalasnikov by their shoulder and head for the mountain.
Things were indeed moving in the right direction for Pakistan. The Pashtuns
in NWFP were happy as one could be. They have given up the clarion call for
an independent Pashtunistan since the days of Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan. They
were dreaming of uniting Afghanistan with Pakistan not in the distant future
but say within a decade or two. But to their dismay, they saw that the
world suddenly went berserk. Some Arab boys listened much too much to Osama
's hate-laced sermons. He said that America is Ad-Dazzal. Therefore,
Muslims have to take a good care of America. These boys hijacked four
jetliners when sun just peeked above the horizon in the eastern sky. They
were able to change not only the course of those four planes, but along with
it the course of the history of this modern world. Osama was very happy in
the afternoon of September 11. The news has reached him via Al Jajira TV
station. He only views news through a satellite TV station where the
station is locked only to Al Jajira. This is the real channel! Everything
else is either western or not worth a dime to Osama. He has a wider vision
of life. He is a dreamer who dreams of the fall of western civilization.
Who could argue with him that it is not a war of civilization?
However, there is a funnier side to the saga of the sudden demise of
Talibanism. This has to do with a conspiracy theory of a newer kind. Osama
's shishwas (in Sanskrit) or sagred -- in Farsi (followers, that is the word
I was searching for!) would vouch for it, nonetheless. The word is that the
corporate America has engineered the dismantling of the Taliban Empire.
"But, Why?" One would scream. The companies whose main business is selling
toiletries are losing their shirt because Afghanistan, a nation of 27
million people, where half the population is male was not allowed to shave.
If one-third of 13.5 million male who has reached the age beyond puberty
could use a razor but are not allowed by the dictums of Talibanism, then
where could the companies such as Gillette, Schick, or BiC could sell their
ultra-sensitive or new brands of shaving sticks? The other worry is if
Talibanism spreads like a wildfire in neighboring Pakistan, Uzbekistan,
Tajikistan, and Iran, then these American giant companies will be in serious
trouble. A 'Domino Effect' could set in and before you know anything, the
entire Middle Eastern countries along with South Asia nations could become
'Nations of Beards." Then, the Gilletts, and Schicks of the world will be
in serious trouble. Therefore, to nip the idea of Talibanism a conspiracy
was brewed in the corporate headquarters of giant toiletry companies of
America. The CEO said, "Go get some disgruntled Arab boys to do the job."
The Arab boys flown in from different Arab countries and hijacked the plane
and created such a mess in America that the government without even doing a
research inferred, "Yup, its is an Al Qaeda job, through and through." Now
guess who is the financier of Al-Qaeda? Yes, you know the answer. The bad
boy of Islamic world, Osama bin Laden, is the acknowledged head honcho of
this vile organization. Therefore, the order came, "Boys, let's go and get'
em."
The B-52s were ordered from different parts of the Far East. The Seventh
Fleet including its all frigate was ordered to move close to the waters of
Balochistan. The Secretary of State was asked to go to South Asia to
persuade each and every feuding nation of that subcontinent to join forces
with America. First the Taliban's guardian angel fudged (Parvez Musharraf
of Pakistan), but under coercion he decided to fall in the straight line.
In the process, though, Mullah Omar, Taliban, and the whole shebang in
Pashtunland lost their legal guardian. Pakistan's archenemy India was very
eager to join the American alliance. Uncle Sam did not have to wink even.
The Hindu PM, Mr. Atal Behari Vajpayee, came out with his hand folded as if
he was facing the new avatar (a reincarnation of Shiva, the destroyer of
humankind), in obsequious tone he promised that Indian soil could be treated
as Americans as long as cyber coolies will be allowed to work in Silicon
Valley, California, and elsewhere at the going price of $ 20-25 per hour.
When all these commotion was going on in mid September, there was
practically no government in Bangladesh. The Chief of the Caretaker
Government and his administration was too busy figuring out how to defeat
the secular party of Awami League. Therefore, without thinking, the Chief
and his advisors said, "Yes, yes, tell us what can we do for you, Big Boss?"
Now it turns out that America never did use any facilities from South Asian
subcontinent to pummel the Talibans. So much for the obsequious behavior of
Indian and Bangladesh government. By the way, unlike India and Bangladesh,
Pakistan after all will be getting an aid package estimated over $ 1.0
billion. Now that's a pretty good chunk of dough, won't you agree?
On November 12, 2001, when Kabul fell -- without much of a fight -- into the
hands of Northern Alliance (Tajik, Uzbek, Hazara, etc.), the Afghan men came
out in droves to greet the saviors. They saw that these North Alliance
soldiers do not have bushy and unruly whiskers on their face. Therefore, to
show their disdain for Talibans, many of the Kabuli men head for the
barbershop. However, there was a big cue formed already. The barber said
that all the razors become rusty because there was hardly any business in
the last five years. Besides, it takes a long time to shave a fully bearded
man.
It is expected that America will give aids to Afghanistan once Taliban rule
is a history, which is going to happen very shortly. Once when the aid
money flows into Afghanistan, we will notice that men will soon forget that
they once sported a long and unruly beard. They will soon become
fashionable and for sure they will keep a whisker free face. Only then
shall we see big billboards all over Afghanistan showing ads for Gillette
Sensorex shaving stick, Schick Atra stick, and American Safety Razor Company
's Personna Act-Flexx shaving sticks. As you can see now the ramming of
the jetliners on September 11 by some Arab men after all is a conspiracy to
remove Talibans from Afghanistan. That will be the sure way to
de-whiskerize the entire nation of Afghanistan. Not to mention America
needs to try out her military arsenals once every 10 ten years. It is call a
"10-year itch." In 1991, there was this Persian Gulf War. In 2001, we are
going through the Afghan War. What is in store for 2011?
Tarek Ali
Gillette (or BIC) does not need the Afghan market for their razor
business. Razor consumption by your wife to shave her facial hair will
keep them profitable for long time to come.
TA
"Jaffor Ullah" <Jaf...@netscape.net> wrote in message news:<j4aJ7.17703$Lo5.1...@e3500-atl1.usenetserver.com>...
Tarek Ali
tare...@mailandnews.com (Tarek Ali) wrote in message news:<dd716d19.0111...@posting.google.com>...
K-Rahman
northern guys who are indicted criminals. Whether Taliban survives
this onslaught or not is not clear yet but they braved massive
american attack and all hostile regimes around them and still
maintained control over 30% of the country. If american air support
leaves today, the norhterners will be wiped out the next minute by the
taliban.
I am not a great fan of taliban and talibans have their evens and
odds.
Jafforullah was sodomised by mad dog very hard. It was so hard that
he caught trouble in his head office and produced this piece of shit.
"Jaffor Ullah" <Jaf...@netscape.net> wrote in message news:<j4aJ7.17703$Lo5.1...@e3500-atl1.usenetserver.com>...
Kamal
> Jafforullah was sodomised by mad dog very hard. It was so hard that
> he caught trouble in his head office and produced this piece of shit.
Mr. Rahaman, weren't you sodomized by a Hindu in this forum before? I have a vague recollection about that, and I
believe it was also a dog that sodomized you in the open market, do you recall that pain? It is not difficult to call
you a mother-fucker, or a piglet, or a bastard son of a camel...but I would not want to do that, unless you asked for
it. This is one instance, where calling you by any of the names would be appropriate, but I hope you get the message
and next time, please be civil.
Lets be reasonable. Mr. Ullah did not write anything that you should speak to him in this manner, even if one were to
disagree with the contents. Is it too much to expect that people of Islamic faith such as yourself use a civil
language, or are you all using the filthy language in which your prophet Muhammed used to talk?
Can we expect that you will be a little bit more civilized in future?
Kamal
Syed Mahmud
being reasonable and such.
Remember your salutations..."Sala Ullu, bhosdika...behenchod... khote di
putra..."
By the way, the use of the name "Kamal" is much too obvious and should be
apparent even to anyone as bright and sharp as you!
"Kamal" <Ka...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:3BFB06E0...@my-deja.com...
K-Rahman
Shomir Malayun <Ka...@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:<3BFB06E0...@my-deja.com>...
> K-Rahman wrote:
>
> > Jafforullah was sodomised by mad dog very hard. It was so hard that
> > he caught trouble in his head office and produced this piece of shit.
>
> Mr. Rahaman, weren't you sodomized by a Hindu in this forum before?
No. It was you Shomir malayun sodomised here by your pet dog.
Muslims don't keep dog, you know.
> I have a vague recollection about that,
Yes! vague it is!
> and I
> believe it was also a dog that sodomized you in the open market, do you recall that pain?
Look shomir malayun, you had been under action by your pet dog so far.
So you were away. We know dog takes a lot of time. Now looks like
the dog gave you a break. Go back and stradle yourself for your dog
as you had been doing so far.
> It is not difficult to call
> you a mother-fucker, or a piglet, or a bastard son of a camel...
That is what you are.
> but I would not want to do that, unless you asked for
> it. This is one instance, where calling you by any of the names would be appropriate, but I hope you get the message
> and next time, please be civil.
Get the hell out of here blady malayun.
Jafforullah got what he deserved.
>
> Lets be reasonable. Mr. Ullah did not write anything that you should speak to him in this manner, even if one were to
> disagree with the contents.
Get the hell out.
> Can we expect that you will be a little bit more civilized in future?
Get the hell out.
> Kamal
KR