NEW: TOS "Jack-a-roe" S/m+ 3/3 [NC17]
Greywolf the Wanderer
"Jack-a-roe"
TOS S/m+ [NC17]
part three of three
My next awareness is of gentle hands touching me,
caressing my face, draping blankets over me. I sigh
contentedly and permit myself to fall asleep again, lulled
by the ale that is still affecting me. I am not sure
whether I dream the soft words that come to me, words of
gratitude and pleasure, followed by a gentle brush of lips
upon my forehead. After that is only the dark.
Time passes; I do not know how much. My sleep
becomes restless, broken by dreams of hands intruding, of
cool damp touches all over my body. There is pain, or a
dream of pain. I struggle to wake, to open my eyes, but I
cannot. I am trapped, lost in a world of darkness and
confusion, turned this way and that, touched and stroked and
played with, and I am helpless to resist. I don't know if
any of this is real.
I feel dehydrated, dizzy and ill; nausea washes
through me, my muscles will not obey my commands. My head
aches ferociously and there is a vile taste in my mouth.
This must be what humans refer to as a "hangover." Efforts
at control are ineffective. When at long last I do manage
to open my eyes, the light is so painfully bright that I am
forced to close them at once. Endless moments later I try
it again, more cautiously, shading them with my hand.
I see the booth, the place where Ronan and I had
sex. But that is not all I see. There are three other men
in here with me, all sleeping. The smell of stale alcohol
is thick, combined with the smells of unwashed human males
and of sex. None of us are wearing any clothes.
I do not recognize any of them. I have never seen
these men before in my life.
What happened here, after I fell asleep with Ronan?
After a time I manage to sit up, though I regret it
instantly as the pain in my head throbs sharply. I sit very
still, breathing, reciting the Tenets of Surak to myself.
Eventually I am able to lean over and reach for my clothes,
still scattered where Ronan and I had dropped them.
It seems to take forever for me to get dressed.
None of the others so much as stirs; all appear deeply
asleep, snoring loudly, sprawled inelegantly wherever they
fell. I clean myself up as best I can; only afterwards do I
realize I have used someone else's shirt to wipe myself.
I do not care. I want only to get out of here, to
return to the ship and the safety of my quarters. I do not
permit myself to dwell too closely on what must have
happened. There is nothing I can do now to change it. The
sooner I finish dressing the sooner I can leave this place,
and my shame, behind me.
I am a fool. I know better than to drop my guard
among strangers, and most especially I know better than to
fall asleep in a place which is not secure. I am disgusted
by my own behaviour, by the stink of their sweat on my skin,
by the internal ache that reminds me of what has happened to
me. Yes, I enjoyed my encounter with Ronan. But I have
behaved in an idiotic manner, getting drunk and losing
consciousness, leaving myself unguarded. A sudden thought
prompts me to check my pockets, only to find my cred-chip is
gone, as is my communicator.
I take a deep breath and focus my will, summoning
Control to banish the pain and the lingering alcoholic haze
from my mind. I am only partly successful, but it does
help. Now I can bend down to examine the various articles
of clothing, in search of what is mine. And sure enough I
find them, in a pair of trousers that does not belong to me.
Well enough. At least I will be spared the
embarrassment of having to cancel the cred-chip, not to
mention explaining the lost communicator to Jim. But I
cannot erase my own awareness so easily.
I catch my lip in my teeth and force myself to
stand, ignoring the weakness in my knees and the renewed
pain in my skull. I am deeply grateful when the curtain
closes behind me and I no longer have to look at those men.
As soon as I get out on the street I call the Enterprise to
request immediate beam-up.
No sooner do I materialize on the transporter pad
than the blackness swirls up around me again. I do not even
feel myself fall; this time, the darkness is absolute.
-----///-----
Sound returns first. Humming, a soft beeping off to
one side. The scents of antiseptics, the sharp ozone tang
of a working sterile-field somewhere nearby.
I am in Sickbay. At the very least, McCoy now knows
of my shame. I can only hope that he has chosen to respect
my privacy, and that Jim does not know.
I open my eyes to find McCoy standing beside my bed
and looking down at me. Sympathy is evident upon his
features but he does not speak at first. Instead he holds
out a glass of water, which I gratefully consume. It is
cold and sweet, and as I drink the pain in my head begins to
recede a little.
Only after I have emptied the glass does he speak.
"How's your head, Spock? I don't guess you're feeling too
frisky right now..."
"I am... somewhat fatigued, Doctor. As for my
head--" A sigh escapes me. "I have behaved foolishly. I
suppose I am fortunate the damage was not worse."
McCoy pulls a chair over to my bedside and seats
himself. "Hey, you're hardly the first crewman to have a
bit too much fun on shore leave." He glances around, as if
to emphasize the fact that we are alone. "I told Jim it
looked like you just had a touch of food poisoning; figured
you'd want the details kept off the record. He oughtta be
down here as soon as his shift ends."
I nod, and permit some of my gratitude to show. I
could not have asked him for this, but I am grateful for his
discretion. It is bad enough to have behaved in such a
fashion; to have my folly known among my shipmates would be
unbearable.
He smiles, then. "I'd recommend something a bit
lighter than Romulan ale next time, though. That stuff's
brought down better men than either of us." I am surprised
to see not only sympathy, but embarrassment on his face.
"Remind me, one of these days, to tell you about the one and
only encounter I ever had with the stuff. Senior year at
StarFleet Medical, and man, I nearly didn't make it through
my own graduation. That shit's *sneaky.*"
Another sigh escapes me. "Indeed," I say quietly.
"I found the effects quite deceptive. By the time I
realized I had overindulged, I was in no condition to do
anything about it."
As is his habit, McCoy is now scanning me himself.
Despite my assurances of accuracy, he continues to mistrust
the wall-monitors. He is never happy until he has confirmed
the readings for himself. He looks at the results for a
moment before putting the scanner away again.
"So, Spock -- anything you want to tell me about,
here? Off the record, and not to be mentioned again? This
kind of thing just isn't like you. You've got me worried,
now."
I cannot meet his gaze. "I believe you know what
has occurred," I tell him, my voice little more than a
whisper. "I would prefer not to discuss it."
"I'm sure you would, but we don't have that option.
Spock, you're the first officer of this ship and I'm the
CMO. Anytime one of the command crew goes off on a bender
for no discernable reason, it concerns me. Now you can talk
to me here and now, in private -- or you can talk to me
later, on the record. There really isn't a third option.
I'm sorry. But you know the rules as well as I do."
It takes me several minutes to gather my resolve.
Bitterness threatens my control, but it is illogical. McCoy
is only doing his duty, and I know from past experience that
when he promises privacy he is a man of his word. And in
truth my behaviour worries me, as well. It is not like me
to lose control as I did the previous night. I do not
entirely understand why I let myself do it.
I start to speak and cannot find words. More
silence. McCoy does not sigh, nor does he fidget. He
simply waits, his expression open, his manner
non-judgemental.
Finally I try again. "I find this matter...
difficult to discuss, Doctor."
"I understand. Anybody would. Why don't you just
start talking and see where it takes you. You might be
surprised."
I look away. Somehow this is easier if I do not
meet his eyes. "You have no doubt wondered what caused me
to behave in such a careless fashion."
"Yeah. I've got to admit, I'm curious as all hell."
I sigh. "I have made some discoveries about myself,
since our mission to Altair Six. As you know, I did not
consummate my bonding with the girl, T'Pring. I found, when
I awakened from the plak tow, that all desire for her had
left me. I told you as much at the time." I pause and take
a deep breath, gathering my resolve and firming my control.
"What I did not tell you was the reason why. You perhaps
assumed it was because she had dared to make the Challenge."
I glance over in time to see him nodding.
"In truth, I did not keep her because I found I had
no interest in her or in any other woman. I learned, in
that moment of my awakening, that I am s'skandrie-htath, a
man who is drawn toward men."
Blue eyes go very wide. "You mean you had no idea,
before then?"
I shake my head. "No, I did not. Vulcan training
is very thorough, and we begin it at an early age. It is
common for young Vulcans to have no interest in sexual
matters, and among my people I am still considered quite
young."
"Okay -- so, is that a problem? Are Vulcans
forbidden to pursue same-sex attractions?"
"Not precisely forbidden, no. But such liaisons are
considered illogical, since they are primarily emotional in
nature. Mating is for the purpose of reproduction, not the
indulgence of the senses." It is also for containing the
madness of pon farr, but I shall not speak of that to him.
McCoy frowns, looks puzzled. "So what's the
problem? Two males can reproduce, just like two females.
Just takes a bit of time in the lab, is all. It's no
different from the techniques that permitted you to be born
alive and healthy."
"This is true. However Vulcan custom tends to be
somewhat cumbersome and inflexible. In the time of Surak
such techniques did not exist, and the Vulcan Way has not
adapted to the realities of modern science. We are bonded
as children to assure the best chance of carrying on our
bloodlines, and most of us meekly accept our bondings.
"I could not do it. Not only did I not desire her,
but T'Pring actively despised me for my mixed blood. To
share minds forever with one such as she -- I could not do
it. But having survived the first pon farr, my body is now
sexually mature. I have become much troubled with desire,
with lack of control." I looked over at him again,
reassured to see no trace of scorn or amusement there, only
that bright and focused interest that is his hallmark.
"I did some research, and discovered that it is
common for young human men to experience such problems in
their first few years of maturity, and that in time, they do
learn to manage and control their desires, to reserve them
for more appropriate times and places. I decided that if I
devoted some time to indulging these new needs of mine, I
might find it easier to control them while I am aboard
ship."
"So you went down to the planet and found yourself a
men's bar?"
"Yes."
"Okay, that makes sense, as far as it goes. But why
the Romulan ale?"
I look away again, embarrassed, though I know the
emotion is not logical. I catch my bottom lip between my
teeth while I think of how best to say this.
"I found I was very tense, between the demands of my
body and the unfamiliar environment. I knew that I had to
relax, if I was to accomplish my goal. Alcohol is not very
effective on Vulcans, as you know, Doctor. I reasoned that
if I had a glass of the ale, it might suffice to relax me.
I had no intention of becoming so inebriated, I assure you."
He smiles, a warm and open smile, blue eyes
twinkling merrily. "Well, that there is what we humans call
'famous last words,' Spock. Many a man has made that same
mistake. It's easy to do. There's an old Japanese saying I
heard Sulu use once -- 'The man drinks the first flask of
sake. The first flask drinks the second. And the third
flask drinks the man.' I'd guess it just snuck up on you,
you not bein' a drinking man and all."
I nod, but can think of nothing else to say.
We sit silently for a time, and then he leans closer
to my bed and says, very quietly, "What about the rest of
it, Spock. You want to tell me how you ended up, ah, well,
having that many encounters? I won't put it in your
records, but I do need to understand."
This is the question I have dreaded since I opened
my eyes. Yet he is correct, I must tell him of this. It is
important. And perhaps he can help me to better understand
what I did last night, and why.
I take a deep breath.
"I fell asleep, after my initial encounter. My
partner brought me some blankets and stayed for a time, then
left. At some point during the night three others entered
the room where I lay sleeping. When I awoke, all three were
still there, fast asleep, showing signs of having indulged
quite heavily the night before. I do not know for certain,
as I was not fully aware, but I believe that they..." I
fall silent, unable to speak the words. Surely he knows,
his scanner must have told him...
He leans forward, and says, very quietly, "I think I
know what happened next. I got four separate DNA profiles
when I examined you, and none of them are in the ship's
database."
I just nod, grateful that I do not need to say it.
"Well," he says, "I went ahead and immunized you,
just to be on the safe side. It isn't too likely any human
pathogens could survive in your body, but no sense taking
chances. The good news is that nobody injured you. The ale
must have kept you relaxed." He pauses, shaking his head.
"Okay. I'd like to keep you off-duty for another 24 hours,
just to make sure you're all right. If you'd rather rest in
your quarters--" I nod, and he smiles, "I've got no problem
with that. Like I said, Jim thinks you got a dose of food
poisoning -- it's not uncommon after taking shore leave.
I've recorded it that way as well.
"I'm gonna make you a deal." He hands me a small
stack of datachips. "I want you to do some homework, Spock.
These files will point you to the info you need -- your job
is to look all this up, then come back and talk to me, in
strictest confidence. It amazes me that people as smart as
Vulcans would permit a boy to grow up so damned ignorant,
but I can't change your homeworld. What I *can* do is make
damn sure you acquire the pertinent facts, so you never have
another experience like this one. Will you do it?"
I look down at the chips. I am surprised that he is
not taking advantage of this incident to gloat or to deride
me. Perhaps I have underestimated him. I look back up and
again, I see nothing but sympathy and concern in his eyes.
Very well. "Yes. I will do as you suggest." I
pause, then make myself add, "Thank you, Doctor, for your
discretion."
"Aw, hell, it's nothin', Spock. Damn near all of us
make mistakes at one time or another; you just waited a
little longer than most guys do. Don't worry about it; just
make sure you get some rest today. You don't have to look
all that up at one time; there's enough there to keep you
busy for a week, I'd guess. Let me know when you're
finished with it, and we'll go from there."
I nod, and tuck the datachips into the pocket of the
Sickbay coverall. "May I be excused, Doctor?"
He grins. "Yeah, go on, get out of here. I'll let
Jim know you'll be back on duty tomorrow. And Spock--"
"Yes?"
"I know you're basically a desert critter, but do
yourself a favour. Drink a lot of extra water today. It'll
help your body get rid of the toxins more easily."
I nod. "I shall do so."
"Will you come back in a week or so, and talk to
me?"
I suppress the desire to sigh. He is only trying to
help, and the events of the past 24 hours have proved to me
that I need such help. "Yes, I shall."
"Good enough. Okay, Spock -- dismissed. Git outta
my sickbay and go rest. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm logging
my approval of your returning to duty at that time."
I am truly grateful, though I do not know if I will
ever be able to express it adequately. For now I simply
stand and take my leave of him, going, as I promised I
would, straight to my quarters. I find, once my door has
closed safely behind me, that my bed is the only place I
wish to be. It feels very pleasant indeed to pull my
blankets up around me and settle into the warmth and the
darkness.
It is not until I am nearly asleep that I realize
how comfortable I feel. For the first time since my
disastrous pon farr, my body is sated and relaxed,
untroubled by desire. Despite the unpleasant aftermath, my
encounter with Ronan was successful, and most pleasing.
Perhaps I *will* learn to harness my body's desires.
This is the last thought in my mind as sleep comes forth to
claim me.
-----///-----
End part three, end of story
Feedback welcome; if yer reading this on ASC please email me
a copy as my newsfeed sux; if yer reading it on ASCEM don't
worry, I'll see yer message. Do be warned though,
sufficiently entertaining flames will be posted for public
amusement... ;-)>
Enjoy...
Greywolf the Wanderer
itinerant writer and Vulcan biker punk
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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sanahelina
> Here's part 3. For disclaimers and such, see part one.
> "Jack-a-roe"
> TOS S/m+ [NC17]
Parts 1 and 2 were *hot*; part 3 was frightening. I wonder if this is
something that men and women, in general, feel very differently
about -- or was it the Vulcan half of Spock that so easily accepted
what had happened to him?
Sanahelina
dunyazad9
Spock's head, up close and honest to the bone. Probably the best
story of Spock's sexual awakening I've read. I loved the way McCoy
was portrayed here, both compassionate and professional it made me
realize how much I've missed seeing those qualities in him.
Judith
saidicam29
way. Thank you for posting.
Saidicam29
Check out my website...A Tribute to Vulcan's First Family:
http://www.geocities.com/saidicam29
Quote: "Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people." by Unknown
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Arachnethe2
for a perfect Sunday morning.
Just me, the coffee and a story from ascem.
I'm soooo glad, you are posting again.
And I want to by a fly on the wall too, when
Spock will visit McCoy again...
I'm afraid, that with this and the China Doll you have
created a universe.
Ara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Greywolf the Wanderer
> --- In ASCEML@y..., Greywolf the Wanderer <greywolf@s...> wrote:
> > Here's part 3. For disclaimers and such, see part one.
>
> > "Jack-a-roe"
> > TOS S/m+ [NC17]
>
> Parts 1 and 2 were *hot*; part 3 was frightening. I wonder if this is
> something that men and women, in general, feel very differently about -- or
> was it the Vulcan half of Spock that so easily accepted what had happened
> to him?
I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at himself
and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his folly. But I
suppose it is different -- I really don't know for sure, as I have never
truly understood the supposed differences in men's and women's thoughts. For
years I believed there *was* no difference, but many folks have assured me,
especially mothers who have both sons and daughters, that there *is* a major
difference. So I can't really answer that.
But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic. Maybe that's what you
mean? Despite his feelings, he would never permit himself to just brood or
freak about what happened. Instead he is determined to never make that
mistake again, which is why he didn't argue with McCoy.
Is that any help?
> Sanahelina
Greywolf, who although he respects them, really and truly does not understand
women, except insofar as we are all sentients...
Greywolf the Wanderer
> I really, really liked this. It was very intense told from Spock's POV that
> way. Thank you for posting.
Many thanks! Glad you liked it. There's some realworld vibes in there -- that
kind of thing happens to a lot of young queer guys who are just starting out.
Hell, I guess it happens to women too -- the news is full of stories about GBH
and Rohypnol being used to take people without their consent...
> Saidicam29
Greywolf, who was one of the lucky ones but knows others who weren't so lucky
Greywolf the Wanderer
> A fine story in Greywolf's inimitable fashion of writing inside
> Spock's head, up close and honest to the bone. Probably the best story of
> Spock's sexual awakening I've read. I loved the way McCoy was portrayed
> here, both compassionate and professional it made me realize how much I've
> missed seeing those qualities in him.
Thank you kindly, O Judith. ;-)> To me that is always Bones' primary aspect,
that of Healer. He uses that waspish tongue as a defense mechanism, not to
genuinely inflict pain, IMHO. Even though he ranks Spock to the dogs and
back during early TOS, it becomes very plain to me that in truth he cares for
and worries about Spock. He knows that Spock has more human than he lets on,
and worries that repressing it will bring him to grief in later life. As we
well know, he is right. ;-)>
> Judith
Greywolf, grateful his own first experience wasn't like this. It wasn't much
fun, but it wasn't like this.
dunyazad9
the bonding/sexual orientation issues in Vulcan society. First, it
was believable. It presented a view of Vulcan sexual and marriage
customs as conservative and lagging behind technology, without making
Vulcan society so archaic and hidebound that one can't imagine how
they ever got into space. The issues surrounding reproduction were
dealt with believably, too, and from a 23d-century, not a 19th-
century, perspective.
Second, the presentation of this social background was natural and
conversational; it didn't come across as a lecture, as is all too
common in fan fic.
Again, a good job!
Judith
saavaant
> I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at
> himself and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of
> his folly.
> But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic.
I agree with this very much. Actually I can see Spock having either
reaction: "I am very unhappy about this and must make sure it doesn't
happen again, but I can go on with life," as in this story, or "I am
so ashamed I want to die" as in Dark Star (which, btw, is among the
most painful and beautiful and powerful hc's I've read). I think the
difference has to do with how much emotional control he lost. Losing
control is a far greater shame to him than anything having to do with
sex. I've always felt he's scared of the pon farr more because of
having his logic ripped from him, than because of being driven to
return home and take a mate.
> Greywolf, who although he respects them, really and truly does not
> understand women
No offense taken here; I doubt anyone of either gender fully
comprehends the other. Hard to have a complete understanding of
anyone without having been in their heads, a recourse regrettably
unavailable to those of us without sufficient Vulcan blood.
Saavant, who mostly has a hard time understanding people in general
Selek
A very disturbing story that, I'm sure, happens all the time. I thought
you had McCoy's sympathy pegged perfectly...not mushy, but not harsh
either. Perfectly in character. Wonderfully written; the movie playing in
my head when I was reading it was dark and gritty...just how it should have
been.
Selek
--
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Greywolf the Wanderer
> Awww, Wolfie, this was a perfect thing
> for a perfect Sunday morning.
> Just me, the coffee and a story from ascem.
>
> I'm soooo glad, you are posting again.
Me too! <grin> Took a while to reboot my life but it's getting there.
Working full time was a major adjustment after five years of only part time.
> And I want to by a fly on the wall too, when
> Spock will visit McCoy again...
Heh heh, don't we all... Well, if my Muse cooperates, maybe you can be...
> I'm afraid, that with this and the China Doll you have
> created a universe.
So it would seem. ;-)> Works for me.
> Ara
Greywolf, happy to please ye...
Greywolf the Wanderer
> I also meant to say, but forgot, that I liked the way you dealt with the
> bonding/sexual orientation issues in Vulcan society. First, it was
> believable. It presented a view of Vulcan sexual and marriage customs as
> conservative and lagging behind technology, without making Vulcan society
> so archaic and hidebound that one can't imagine how they ever got into
> space. The issues surrounding reproduction were dealt with believably, too,
> and from a 23d-century, not a 19th- century, perspective.
Grazie, grazie!! I have always felt that many Vulcans honour IDIC more in
the abeyance than in the observance. <shrug> So what else is new, humans do
that too, as too well I know. But I reckon there have to be other Vulcans
besides Spock who don't blindly swalow the propaganda. Esp. Vulcans not
raised on the Homeworld...
> Second, the presentation of this social background was natural and
> conversational; it didn't come across as a lecture, as is all too common in
> fan fic.
Phew!! Always nice to hear, since I've a bad habit of lecturing and a hard
time controlling it. ;-)>
> Again, a good job!
Awww... <big grin>
> Judith
Greywolf
--
As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does
oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight.
And it is in such twilight that we all must be aware
of change in the air -- however slight -- lest we
become unwitting victims of the darkness.
- Justice William O. Douglas, US Supreme Court (1939-75)
Greywolf the Wanderer
> Wonderful story, GW!
>
> > I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at
> himself and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his
> folly.
>
> > But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic.
>
> I agree with this very much. Actually I can see Spock having either
> reaction: "I am very unhappy about this and must make sure it doesn't
> happen again, but I can go on with life," as in this story, or "I am so
> ashamed I want to die" as in Dark Star (which, btw, is among the most
> painful and beautiful and powerful hc's I've read).
Awww.... Thanks! Yeah, both possibilities ring true to me, too.
> I think the difference has to do with how much emotional control he lost.
> Losing control is a far greater shame to him than anything having to do
> with sex. I've always felt he's scared of the pon farr more because of
> having his logic ripped from him, than because of being driven to return
> home and take a mate.
I agree. We never saw him so ashamed or upset about anything else. and
being upset made him all the more ahsamed. Vicious circle. In some ways I
think post-Surak Vulcan has taken some serious wrong turns. But then what do
I know, I'm an exile and got booted out of the Science Academy for
un-Vulcanly behaviour... ;-)>
> > Greywolf, who although he respects them, really and truly does not
> understand women
>
> No offense taken here; I doubt anyone of either gender fully
> comprehends the other. Hard to have a complete understanding of anyone
> without having been in their heads, a recourse regrettably unavailable to
> those of us without sufficient Vulcan blood.
Ain't it the truth. Ah well, we all mean well most of the time, I reckon.
> Saavant, who mostly has a hard time understanding people in general
Dig it, I know the feeling. As a cub I never felt that I had the slightest
thing in common with the folks around me. I felt unique, alien, and doomed
to be forever alone. Brrrr! Glad that last bit didn't turn out to be true.
I like you guys and I'm damn glad we're all here.
Greywolf
sanahelina
> I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at
himself
> and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his
folly. But I
> suppose it is different -- I really don't know for sure, as I have
never
> truly understood the supposed differences in men's and women's
thoughts. For
> years I believed there *was* no difference, but many folks have
assured me,
> especially mothers who have both sons and daughters, that there
*is* a major
> difference. So I can't really answer that.
>
> But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic. Maybe that's what
you
> mean? Despite his feelings, he would never permit himself to just
brood or
> freak about what happened. Instead he is determined to never make
that
> mistake again, which is why he didn't argue with McCoy.
I see. I guess _accept_ wasn't the best choice of word. English is
not my first language (as if you hadn't noticed that!!) I meant that
Spock sees the incident merely as "unpleasant", and in the end, he
feels comfortable and untroubled - and not, for example, stained,
defiled, degraded and violated. Perhaps because it was only his body,
not his mind?
> Greywolf, who although he respects them, really and truly does not
understand
> women, except insofar as we are all sentients...
Sanahelina, who understands cats much better than men _or_ women
T'Rhys
>
> "Jack-a-roe"
Interesting title. I was halfway expecting something featuring wee folk and
enchanted forest glades. Instead, you give us a masterful combination of a
coming out story with a coming of age one. I'm glad Spock didn't have any
permanent damage from his carelessness - it could have turned out so much
worse than it did.
LL&P }:)
"T'Rhys" <tkn...@ix.netcom.com>
saavaant
> > "Jack-a-roe"
>
>
> Interesting title. I was halfway expecting something featuring wee
> folk and enchanted forest glades.
Greywolf *does* have the most interesting titles, doesn't he?
Some of them are easily connected to the story: Dark Star, Fire on
the Mountain, Good Lovin.
Then there are others that seem almost random... China Cat Sunflower,
China Doll, Box of Rain...
And then all those Blues titles (Blues for Allah, Folsom Prison
Blues, Deep Elem Blues.)
And they're either connected to the story in some roundabout way that
I (being largely unfamiliar with popular culture) can't quite puzzle
out... and/or they're like surrealism, they give you the *feeling* of
what they're meant to represent, without being really tangibly
connected to it.
There's a thread on ASC about what titles "should" be like, and I
don't think the person starting it would approve of Greywolf's
titles. But for me, his titles work.
I really love that in an author: the ability to break all the rules
about writing that people have been so audacious as to make up, and
have it still *work.*
Saavant
Greywolf the Wanderer
> --- In ASCEML@y..., Greywolf the Wanderer <greywolf@s...> wrote:
>
> > I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at
> himself and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his
> folly. But I suppose it is different -- I really don't know for sure, as I
> have never truly understood the supposed differences in men's and women's
> thoughts. For
> > years I believed there *was* no difference, but many folks have assured
> me, especially mothers who have both sons and daughters, that there *is* a
> major difference. So I can't really answer that.
> >
> > But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic. Maybe that's what you
> mean? Despite his feelings, he would never permit himself to just brood or
> freak about what happened. Instead he is determined to never make that
> mistake again, which is why he didn't argue with McCoy.
>
> I see. I guess _accept_ wasn't the best choice of word. English is not my
> first language (as if you hadn't noticed that!!) I meant that Spock sees
> the incident merely as "unpleasant", and in the end, he feels comfortable
> and untroubled - and not, for example, stained, defiled, degraded and
> violated. Perhaps because it was only his body, not his mind?
Quite possibly. Also he was not awake, which makes a big difference I should
think. Tis aye creepy I'm sure to awaken and realize such a thing has
happened. But it seems to me it would be far far worse to be awake, aware,
and *helpless to stop it*. Which is often the case with both men and women.
And yes, men do get raped. You just don't hear about it unless you've been
there. A high school acquaintance of mine suicided out after he was raped in
juvie and the guards just stood around and watched and laughed. And a lot of
guys get raped in jail, not to mention all the young queer guys who end up as
sex workers cos they get thrown out at fourteen and have no job skills and
nothing to sell but a cute little ass.
I think the main thing here was that he didn't actually *experience* it. He
knew what had happened, but that's not the same as actually being awake. And
as for being comfortable, well, yes and no. He is finally sated, yes; for
the first time since his pon farr he's not horny and not uptight -- but he's
gonna have to do some meditation and headwork, I'm sure. If for no other
reason than to discover why he allowed himself to be so stupid in the first
place!
> > Greywolf, who although he respects them, really and truly does not
> understand women, except insofar as we are all sentients...
>
> Sanahelina, who understands cats much better than men _or_ women
Dig it!! For me it would be dogs. I love cats -- but I have to translate
them in my head, whereas with dogs it comes naturally.
Greywolf the Wanderer
> A very disturbing story that, I'm sure, happens all the time. I thought you
> had McCoy's sympathy pegged perfectly...not mushy, but not harsh either.
> Perfectly in character.
Thanks, cousin. 'Tis delicate, getting our Bones to come out right -- but well
worth the effort.
> Wonderfully written; the movie playing in my head when I was reading it was
> dark and gritty...just how it should have
> been.
Well enow, then my job is done. ;-)> As for the gritty part -- yeah, well.
I'm a lucky one -- this never happened to me. But it's happened to friends of
mine.
> Selek
Greywolf
Hypatia Kosh
Greywolf the Wanderer wrote in message news:...
> sanahelina wrote:
>
> > --- In ASCEML@y..., Greywolf the Wanderer <greywolf@s...> wrote:
> > > Here's part 3. For disclaimers and such, see part one.
>
> > > "Jack-a-roe"
> > > TOS S/m+ [NC17]
> >
> > Parts 1 and 2 were *hot*; part 3 was frightening. I wonder if this is
> > something that men and women, in general, feel very differently about
-- or
> > was it the Vulcan half of Spock that so easily accepted what had happened
> > to him?
>
> I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at himself
> and ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his folly.
But I
> suppose it is different -- I really don't know for sure, as I have never
> truly understood the supposed differences in men's and women's thoughts.
For
> years I believed there *was* no difference, but many folks have assured me,
> especially mothers who have both sons and daughters, that there *is* a major
> difference. So I can't really answer that.
>
> But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic. Maybe that's what you
> mean? Despite his feelings, he would never permit himself to just brood or
> freak about what happened. Instead he is determined to never make that
> mistake again, which is why he didn't argue with McCoy.
It may also be an age thing. I knew this 17 yr old queer boy who was
really traumitized when his boyfriend tried to force him to have anal
sex with him. He was a real drama queen too, though, so it might not
be the same for all guys. Women tend to feel a sense of personal
violation that cuts very deep when they are raped.
I don't pretend that my view is the view of all women, but I'd feel
pretty differently about being raped up the ass versus vaginally. The
first would suck, hurt like hell and leave me just as prone to
disease, but on another level it would be more manly, like the way
Brandon Teena got raped up the ass (by the fucks who subsequently
killed him) because he had what is so inaptly-termed "vaginitis" (I
prefer 'sexual self-defense'). I'm no copraphile, but c'mon, I push
turds out my ass every day, so if some turd gets pushed in, so what?
Aside from the humiliation of being overpowered it's not so bad. The
second, though . . . I can't even begin to describe what a violation
that would be. It's like that part of me is an inviolable sacred
space. I mean, I don't even wear tampons. I'd probably kill myself or
something. Anyway, for women in general you have the specter of
possible conception, and possible icky abortion (no way I'd pass on
rape genes).
Of course, nobody likes it when someone assaults you. In this story, I
interpreted Spock's reaction as being a result of not remembering what
occurred, so there's no physical pain or memory of what happened, plus
he's blaming himself for being so stupid, and he did get his stuff
back, which helps - it's one thing to be humiliated, but to have the
humiliation *exposed* is ten times worse.
Still, I was surprised that he didn't really think about it at all
when he was back in his cabin. No revulsion? No attempt to cleanse
himself? For someone who really hates being touched by strangers he
did seem a little blase about it. I suppose the typical human reaction
would be to think about how things could have gone worse (someone
could have murdered me, what if they had -----) -- an adaptive
behavior that teaches us to avoid doing dangerous things in the
future. But Spock isn't human, so maybe his mind doesn't work that
way.
-hy
Greywolf the Wanderer
> From: be...@lycos.com (Hypatia Kosh)
>
> Greywolf the Wanderer wrote in message news:...
> > sanahelina wrote:
> >
> > > --- In ASCEML@y..., Greywolf the Wanderer <greywolf@s...> wrote:
> > > > Here's part 3. For disclaimers and such, see part one.
> >
> > > > "Jack-a-roe"
> > > > TOS S/m+ [NC17]
> > >
> > > Parts 1 and 2 were *hot*; part 3 was frightening. I wonder if this is
> something that men and women, in general, feel very differently about-- or was
> it the Vulcan half of Spock that so easily accepted what had happened to him?
> >
> > I didn't perceive him as *accepting* it, exactly. He was angry at himself and
> ashamed, very much not wanting his crewmates to know of his folly. But I suppose
> it is different -- I really don't know for sure, as I have never truly
> understood the supposed differences in men's and women's thoughts.
> For years I believed there *was* no difference, but many folks have assured me,
> especially mothers who have both sons and daughters, that there *is* a major
> difference. So I can't really answer that.
> >
> > But it is Spock's nature always to be pragmatic. Maybe that's what you mean?
> Despite his feelings, he would never permit himself to just brood or freak about
> what happened. Instead he is determined to never make that mistake again, which
> is why he didn't argue with McCoy.
>
> It may also be an age thing. I knew this 17 yr old queer boy who was really
> traumitized when his boyfriend tried to force him to have anal sex with him. He
> was a real drama queen too, though, so it might not be the same for all guys.
> Women tend to feel a sense of personal violation that cuts very deep when they
> are raped.
I think *everyone* does. But I agree, if yer awake when it happens and still
unable to prevent it, the trauma it seems to me would be a whole lot more intense.
> I don't pretend that my view is the view of all women, but I'd feel pretty
> differently about being raped up the ass versus vaginally. The first would suck,
> hurt like hell and leave me just as prone to disease, but on another level it
> would be more manly, like the way Brandon Teena got raped up the ass (by the
> fucks who subsequently killed him) because he had what is so inaptly-termed
> "vaginitis" (I prefer 'sexual self-defense'). I'm no copraphile, but c'mon, I
> push turds out my ass every day, so if some turd gets pushed in, so what?
> Aside from the humiliation of being overpowered it's not so bad. The second,
> though . . . I can't even begin to describe what a violation that would be. It's
> like that part of me is an inviolable sacred space. I mean, I don't even wear
> tampons. I'd probably kill myself or something. Anyway, for women in general you
> have the specter of possible conception, and possible icky abortion (no way I'd
> pass on rape genes).
Indeed. Hadn't even thought of that. I got to say I totally do not understand
the mind of anyone who can commit rape.
> Of course, nobody likes it when someone assaults you. In this story, I
> interpreted Spock's reaction as being a result of not remembering what occurred,
> so there's no physical pain or memory of what happened, plus he's blaming
> himself for being so stupid, and he did get his stuff back, which helps - it's
> one thing to be humiliated, but to have the humiliation *exposed* is ten times
> worse.
Basically, yeah, that's it.
> Still, I was surprised that he didn't really think about it at all
> when he was back in his cabin. No revulsion? No attempt to cleanse himself? For
> someone who really hates being touched by strangers he did seem a little blase
> about it.
I dropped the ball there. He would *definitely* have taken a major shower, water
not sonics, I'm sure of that. Friends who have been assaulted have told me they
couldn't get clean afterwards, kept washing long after any real dirt was gone, and
still felt soiled. Brrr! I just forgot that bit until you just reminded me here.
> I suppose the typical human reaction would be to think about how things could
> have gone worse (someone could have murdered me, what if they had -----) -- an
> adaptive behavior that teaches us to avoid doing dangerous things in the future.
> But Spock isn't human, so maybe his mind doesn't work that
> way.
He is half human, though. I think I just Missed A Spot, as it were. Ooops.
<embarrassed grin>
> -hy
Greywolf
missmilana
>
> > From: berli@l... (Hypatia Kosh)
> > -hy
>
> Greywolf
I'm not sure which brought this rape discussion on and who said what
in this message but I just had to share my personal experiences on
the subject. I claim I can undertand the mind who can commit rape
because my best friend got raped up the ass by her so-called boyriend
at that time - boyfried who came from the culture where women exist
only to serve men and fulfill their sexual needs. For him and the men
like him, women are just a piece of meat around two holes and woman's
refusal is *unthinkable* - woman's part and reason to exist is to
submit. They are teached this pattern of thinking since childhood and
there simply is no other way - for them it is the order of the
universe. And our western culture is full of this thinking too - I
have met so much of these macho-dickheads at bars and clubs and
gotten so much crap on my face because (due to my bodybuilding hobby)
I'm not a "small" girl and I usually can't keep my (sometimes quite
feministic) opinions inside me...
And the other reason is that they (men) are just plain desperate - so
desperate that when they can't get a woman in "normal" ways they
rape. I was tried to rape when I was 18 - at a cruise a guy hit me on
the face and pushed me into men's room - well, I don't care to
remember the details and I never thought before that I could actually
kick someone on the nuts - but the feelings what I had afterwards
were not disgust or anger but just pity... That can't this guy
*really* get any woman who could come to his bed willingly - or is he
just desperately trying to prove something... Whatever - this doesn't
exactly belong to the subjects of this list, but I just couldn't pass
a subject which has touched me quite closely.
Milana
J. Juls
I claim I can undertand the mind who can commit rape
> because my best friend got raped up the ass by her so-called boyriend
> at that time - boyfried who came from the culture where women exist
> only to serve men and fulfill their sexual needs.
Yeah, and don't forget, it's a "good method of birth control"! LOL!
Julie
Greywolf the Wanderer
> > Indeed. Hadn't even thought of that. I got to say I totally do
> not understand the mind of anyone who can commit rape.
> >
> > > -hy
> >
> > Greywolf
>
> I'm not sure which brought this rape discussion on and who said what in
> this message but I just had to share my personal experiences on the
> subject. I claim I can undertand the mind who can commit rape because my
> best friend got raped up the ass by her so-called boyriend at that time -
> boyfried who came from the culture where women exist only to serve men and
> fulfill their sexual needs. For him and the men like him, women are just a
> piece of meat around two holes and woman's
> refusal is *unthinkable* - woman's part and reason to exist is to
> submit. They are teached this pattern of thinking since childhood and there
> simply is no other way - for them it is the order of the universe. And our
> western culture is full of this thinking too - I have met so much of these
> macho-dickheads at bars and clubs and gotten so much crap on my face
> because (due to my bodybuilding hobby) I'm not a "small" girl and I usually
> can't keep my (sometimes quite feministic) opinions inside me...
This is true, there are a lot of men who grow up in such cultures. Being
queer I never felt that way m'self but gawd knows I've heard enough of 'em
ranting. Bleagh.
> And the other reason is that they (men) are just plain desperate - so
> desperate that when they can't get a woman in "normal" ways they rape. I
> was tried to rape when I was 18 - at a cruise a guy hit me on the face and
> pushed me into men's room - well, I don't care to remember the details and
> I never thought before that I could actually kick someone on the nuts - but
> the feelings what I had afterwards were not disgust or anger but just
> pity... That can't this guy *really* get any woman who could come to his
> bed willingly - or is he just desperately trying to prove something...
> Whatever - this doesn't exactly belong to the subjects of this list, but I
> just couldn't pass a subject which has touched me quite closely.
Brrr! Glad ye were able to fight the fucker off.
I have heard it said that true rape, as opposed to what happened to Spock
which was more of a "taking advantage of unconscious person", is not a crime
of sex at all but one of violence and dominance. Makes sense to me. Stats
reportedly show that many rapists are otherwise either impotent or shoot off
as soon as they penetrate, unless it is a rape situation.
Fuckin' pathetic, ain't it? And there's no real good answer. Chemical
catration is unreliable at best, real castration just makes them resort to
objects instead, and true reform is nearly impossible, since it depends on
teaching empathy to those who are empath-blind. Damifino what the answers
are, but society still has a lot of growing up to do re its attitudes toward
sex crimes.
> Milana
Greywolf
missmilana
> > And our western culture is full of this thinking too - I have met
so much of these
> > macho-dickheads at bars and clubs and gotten so much crap on my
face
> > because (due to my bodybuilding hobby) I'm not a "small" girl and
I usually
> > can't keep my (sometimes quite feministic) opinions inside me...
>
> This is true, there are a lot of men who grow up in such cultures.
Being
> queer I never felt that way m'self but gawd knows I've heard enough
of 'em
> ranting. Bleagh.
Many of my best friends are queer men and they are *the* people who
best understand me and agree with my opinions!
> I have heard it said that true rape, as opposed to what happened to
Spock
> which was more of a "taking advantage of unconscious person", is
not a crime
> of sex at all but one of violence and dominance. Makes sense to
me. Stats
> reportedly show that many rapists are otherwise either impotent or
shoot off
> as soon as they penetrate, unless it is a rape situation.
> Greywolf
This is easy to believe. The last 20 yrs women have taken over so
many traditionally masculine fortresses that men are becoming afraid
- I guess that in some individuals this wakens up some "hit-the-cunt-
on-the-head-with-a-club-and-drag-her-to-the-cave" caveman instincts.
I watched a document about border guard women (new thing in my
country) and those old tough male guards were just *so afraid* to let
the "weaker" sex to step into their own little testosterone-smelling
playgroud...
Milana (fighting for gender equality)