NEW DS9: Sex, Faith, and Questing after Visions 1/1 (challenge; O/K; NC-17)

[czb (Chris)]

AUTHOR: C. Zdroj
TITLE: Sex, Faith, and Questing after Visions
PART: 1/1
RATING: NC-17
SERIES: DS9
PAIRING: O/K

SUMMARY: Kira's time among the pagh-wraith cultists leads to
personal angst and some musings about religion. Oh yeah, and
there's sex here, too. :-)

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the DS9 universe and characters. No
copyright infringement is intended here. Please ask before
reposting or republishing.

ARCHIVING: ASC, BLTS. Others please ask.

FEEDBACK ADDRESSES: c...@comcast.net; odos...@yahoo.com

AUTHOR'S NOTES: When I began writing this piece, shortly after
the first airing of "Covenant" in 1998, I fully intended it to be
a PWP, but as usual, Odo and Kira started telling me about their
personal issues, so what could I do? An earlier, slightly
different edit of this story appears in the fanzine Fragments of
Amber (2002) and is being posted here with permission of the zine
editor (me :-).

Chronology Note: This story is set immediately after the episode
"Covenant."

~~~

Sex, Faith, and Questing after Visions
by C. Zdroj

"Time is the great gift. Sex is the great equalizer. Love is the
great mystery."
-Mary-Chapin Carpenter, Time, Sex, Love

~~~

She had agreed, reluctantly, to a complete medical examination as
soon as they returned to DS9. It was all too easy to believe that
Dukat might have slipped her some drug or disease or Prophets
knew what else during her imprisonment on Terok Nor. Bashir had
found nothing amiss, however, and had certified her fit for duty.
But Julian hadn't been able to look at her pagh, Kira thought
grimly. If he had, he might have reached a very different
conclusion indeed.

Still, she was all too used to the routine of shouldering her
troubles in silence and getting on with duty. It had now been
three days since Vedek Fala had died in her arms, passing from
this life to whatever might await the devotees of the
pagh-wraiths in the next. For three days, she had not slept for
thinking about all that had happened during her brief stay with
the wraith cultists. She knew that her fatigue was affecting her
performance, but no one else seemed to have noticed it yet.

*Odo notices,* said the voice of her better judgement. *That's
why you're avoiding him. He always notices.* Kira shoved that
voice to the back of her awareness and went on with her work.

It was now past o-two-hundred hours. Still in her uniform, Kira
was prowling her quarters like a restless hara-cat. This simply
could not go on, and she knew it. Sleep was essential to the
functioning of any soldier, and she was beginning to show all the
signs of going without it for too long. She laid a shaking hand
on her prayer mandala and as quickly drew it back. She could not
bear to look into the light of the shrine. It shamed her somehow,
and frightened her at the same time. She thought about heading
out to the Promenade, to Quark's little dive of a bar--anywhere
to get away from that light. And she heard Vedek Fala speaking,
almost as clearly as if he had been standing behind her: "It's no
good, Nerys. You can't run from the Prophets. They see all of us
wherever we go."

"I didn't do anything wrong," she told the silence around her.
"Fala chose his fate. I couldn't help him." The icon continued to
glow serenely in the dimness of the room, unresponsive to her
words. Kira chose to hide from it in the adjoining bedroom, where
she could look out at the stars through the viewport. She went to
the replicator and ordered a drink--the strongest Klingon blood
wine that the computer could conjure up. It was foul stuff, the
kind Jadzia had used to drink with so much relish. But it had one
advantage: it made one quite drunk very fast. Kira made herself
down the entire contents of the glass, almost gagging on the
thick dark fluid.

She didn't remember smashing her glass against the window. She
didn't remember passing out on her bed.

She opened her eyes to dimness and a raging headache, and for a
moment she imagined that she could see Dukat's face leering down
at her in the faint light, like some toothy predatory reptile
getting ready to strike. Twisting, she raised a hand to smash
that smug face and tumbled off the bed onto the hard floor.

"Get off me!" she snarled at the hands and arms that materialized
from nowhere to lift her up. "Go to hell, Dukat!" Her hands froze
into claws as she tried to swipe at the hated face.

"Nerys?"

Startled into full wakefulness, Kira looked up, finding no
Cardassian attacker, but instead a pair of anxious blue eyes.
Her fumbling hand reached out to touch the contours of a smooth,
familiar face. "Odo?"

He lifted her back onto the bed, and Kira, reassured by the
welcome strength of his arms, allowed herself to relax. For
several moments, she lay back on the mattress, numbed and staring
at the ceiling. Odo's fingers trailed gently through her
sweat-soaked hair as he sat beside her on the bed.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, drained.

His voice rumbled softly above her. "I can leave if you like ..."

"No--don't." She reached out blindly for his hand and squeezed it
hard, then closed her eyes, letting her breath out in a long
sigh.

"What's going on, Nerys?"

Gentle as the question was, Kira was in no mood to be
interrogated by her own chief of security--even if they had been
sleeping together for the last few months.

"It's too hot in here," she grumbled, trying to change the
subject. "How did I let myself fall asleep in this damned
uniform?"

"One of the many hazzards of too much blood wine," said Odo
dryly.

"How did you--?"

"Call it an educated guess."

"Figures," Kira grumbled softly.

"I did take your boots off," Odo said. There was a faint touch of
amusement in his voice.

Kira smiled tiredly. "Well now you can take off the rest." She
squeezed Odo's fingers again. His free hand traveled carefully to
the back of her neck, and her exhausted body found enough energy
to arch upward and allow him to undo the zipper. He peeled the
uniform away from her gently, with lingering slowness. She closed
her eyes again and pressed his hand between her now bare breasts,
over her heart, grateful for his presence as she had not been in
a long time.

He seemed hesitant. "Nerys ... are you sure that you ...?"

She cut him off by reaching out and wrapping him in a fierce
embrace, pulling him down to her until their lips were crushed
together. Odo relinquished himself with a sigh to the hunger of
her kiss and the eagerness of her searching mouth. Kira's fingers
slid possessively up over his back and between his shoulder
blades as he morphed gracefully out of the semblance of his
Bajoran uniform and into the slim unclothed humanoid shape that
she had come to know so intimately. Her hands traveled downward
along his spine and to his thighs and hips. She kissed him almost
compulsively, delighting in the smoothness of his skin, the
warmth of his body. In that moment she felt as though she would
never get enough of either. There was a brief instant when he
forced her to slow down, gently pushing her deeper into the
bedding, pressing his forehead against hers while the two of them
caught their breath.

Odo kissed Kira's forehead and her cheeks. From there his lips
traveled downward, along the side of her neck and the satiny
expanse of her upper chest. He kissed her breasts, rubbing his
cheeks against the smooth flesh, letting his tongue pass over the
firm, rosy nipples. Kira moaned, making soft, passionate sounds
deep in her throat.

Then, abruptly, her whole body tensed and she gasped his name.
"Odo ..."

The sound was like a half-suppressed groan, more suggestive of
pain than of pleasure. Odo drew back in alarm and looked down at
her. Kira had twisted so that one side of her face was pressed
into the pillow. Her lips and jaw were clenched tight, her eyes
squeezed shut.

"Nerys?"

For a moment she lay still, gasping softly. "It's nothing, Odo
... I just --"

"You thought I was Dukat earlier, while you were tossing in your
sleep," he reminded her.

Kira turned fully onto her side, drawing up her knees and
clutching the pillow. "I don't want to talk about it."

"As you wish." Odo's voice was sober and sad. Kira knew that
she'd hurt him.

She sat up in bed and took him by the shoulders, forcing him to
look at her. "It's not you." She bit her lip, glancing down at
the crumpled bedclothes. "It's not your fault. It's me. I--" She
ground her teeth, unable to continue.

"Dukat," said Odo sharply. "Did he --?"

"No!" Kira almost shouted. Then, seeming aware of the harshness
of her tone, she lowered her voice. "No," she repeated, quietly
vehement.

Odo's face was shadowed. Kira knew that his memories of the
former Cardassian prefect went back much further than her own.
She decided to leave out the detail of waking up half-dressed on
Terok Nor to find Dukat hovering over her. "He never touched me,"
she said. "But somehow I still feel ... contaminated." Her voice
was low with disgust. "Just the way he was looking at me ..."

"I'm sorry," Odo said.

"There's no need for you to be sorry."

"Yes, there is." Odo's voice was bitter. "I'm the chief of
security here. People aren't just supposed to vanish from this
station--let alone the senior staff. Let alone ..." he paused,
brushing her cheek with the side of his hand. "Let alone ...
you." His voice fell to a whisper. "That transporter had a
Dominion signature, you know."

"Actually, I didn't," she said. She'd been too distracted to even
read the reports that had been filed on her own abduction. She
studied Odo's face with concern. "You thought it was the
Founders."

He nodded.

"Odo, you can't hold yourself responsible every time something
happens to me."

"I know. But I do anyway."

She leaned forward to rub her lips along the bridge of his nose.
"I've always known that about you," she told him. Odo accepted
her touch, along with the comment, in silence, his hands resting
in hers. "You take so much on yourself."

Her lips brushed along his cheek. Her voice sank to a low
whisper. "Odo, I need you. I need you to touch me." Her eyes
locked with his. "After listening to Dukat spew all that
poison--listening to him try to convince me that he ... *loved*
me ..." Her voice was heavy with sarcasm, and yet she could not
suppress a shudder. She leaned her head on Odo's shoulder and
sighed. "I suppose he believed it in his own twisted way."

"No doubt," said Odo.

"I know it sounds crazy, but--after all that, I need you to make
me feel ... clean again." Her dark eyes were direct and serious.
"Only you can do that, Odo--make me feel whole again ... like I'm
*me.*"

Odo inclined his head, clearly surprised by this choice of words.
"It sounds like you want a blessing," he said quietly. "I'm no
vedek, you know."

Kira leaned up and forward, placed an almost ceremonial kiss on
his forehead. "I know," she whispered, "but this ... us,
together--" She clasped his shoulders again, drawing him to her.
"This is ... a sacred act."

He said nothing. He only kissed her and caressed her bare
shoulders.

Odo felt Kira's muscles become softer as she relaxed into his
embrace. He gathered her close and they sighed together, holding
each other in the stillness. Kira let her head tip back as Odo
kissed her throat, and she let out a gasp of relief as he drew
her hips snugly against his own and simply let himself flow
inside her. They groaned together. Odo allowed himself a moment
to look at her--his Nerys, so strong and so trusting--to see the
passion that his touch aroused in her. Her body arched so that
her nipples brushed his chest, tiny, erect little nubs. He let
his thumbs caress them, teasing them into even harder peaks. Kira
growled softly with approval. Her hips moved eagerly as her body
embraced him.

Odo held Kira while her body shuddered, moments later, into its
climax. He kept on holding her while she caught her breath and
her heartbeat slowed to normal. Her fingers traveled gently over
his shoulders, and he felt her breath warm against his cheek.
Only then did he permit a release of his own pent up tension. "I
love you," he breathed. A soft whisper, carrying raw hurt with
it. She kissed him fiercely, his forehead, his cheeks, his mouth.
She ran her fingers through his hair.

"I know," she whispered. "I love you too."

Anything else that she might have said was obliterated by another
ferocious kiss. She sensed his need and opened her body, letting
him seize and cover her with kisses. She was sure that the entire
station must have heard her screams of passion as Odo covered her
with himself, caressing every inch of her. Time was blotted out,
and she did not know whether the pleasure lasted for hours or
merely seconds. She only knew that she seemed to come back to
herself very slowly some time later, even as Odo painstakingly
reformed himself in her arms. She rolled him over on his back and
sat perched astride his hips, for several moments gazing down at
him thoughtfully while she stroked his chest.

Odo lay with his eyes closed. Kira went on stroking him until she
sensed him at peace again.

She sighed. "I suppose I should take my own advice," she said at
last.

"You blame yourself for the death of your friend," he said. It
was not a question.

Kira nodded. "I just keep thinking there must have been something
I could have done."

"You're only one person, Nerys."

"So are you," she replied.

They digested this in silence as they lay together.

"You know," said Kira slowly, "I kept being surprised that the
wraith cultists were such ... ordinary people. From what I could
see, they weren't especially bad people, and most of them weren't
crazy. But they were desperate. They felt as if the Prophets had
abandoned them." She hesitated. "In a way ... they reminded me of
you."

Odo seemed surprised, and not entirely pleased. "In what way?"

"You were abandoned as a child. The Bajorans you met never gave
you much reason to believe in the Prophets." Her gaze had that
earnest, piercing quality that somehow he could never turn away
from. Odo raised Kira's hand in his own, rubbing her fingers
thoughtfully.

Finally he let himself break the silence, choosing his words with
care. "I was never able to put my trust in anything but myself,
until now--until you. But I know only too well how fallible I am,
Nerys."

"That's why Weyoun's devotion bothered you so much," said Kira,
half to herself.

"He gave his life for me. I never asked that. I never wanted to
be anyone's god."

Kira stroked his cheek thoughtfully. "The Vorta can't help what
they are ..." she whispered. "It was a kind thing that you
did--giving Weyoun your blessing."

"Was it?" Odo sounded doubtful. "I perpetuated a myth about the
Founders."

"You gave a dying man his dearest wish," she swallowed hard. "It
was more than I could do for Fala."

They lapsed into silence again. After a while, Kira said: "Odo
... You may not be a god in your own eyes, but you are a
blessing. My blessing." She leaned down and kissed his temple.
"And awfully good in bed too," she added with a soft laugh.

"You know," Odo said, kissing her back, "When I'm here with
you--sometimes I imagine I could believe in the Prophets." His
voice was so soft it was as if he feared his own words.

Kira grinned broadly. "All part of my evil scheme -- didn't you
know?"

"Ah, now it all makes sense."

He kissed her again, and the shadows of memory receded away for
them both, for the moment, into the eternity of the present.

~30~

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