Dating Blues
edward tyrrill
gone out with since my first ever date back in October I've only gone out
more than once with one of them. I don't know quite what it is. I am of
course very new to this and inexperienced. I happen to think I'm a nice
guy though. I've begun to think that maybe I'm not attracted to women
who might like me. Maybe subconsciously I'm afraid of a relationship. I
would really like to be in one though. Almost desperately so. At times
I just want someone to hold me when I cry. But there's nobody there, and
I cry alone.
For a while I was going out with a woman I met at work. We went out four
times in a period of seven weeks. She was the one who asked me out the
first time. I was very happy to say the least. I had been attracted to
her since I first met her, but never had the guts to ask her out. After
the second time we went out I almost didn't ask her out again. I was
feeling really down all around. I finally did ask her and we went out a
couple more times. But at that point I made a decission that it wasn't
working. It was often awkward being around her at work. And most
importantly I still didn't feel like I knew her very well. I found that
I was most often the one doing almost all the talking. She would sit
and listen, interject here and there, ask me questions that would keep
me going, etc. So as a result I think she had a very good idea what I
was like, but I didn't really know much about her. Maybe I should have
given her more time. I don't know. Maybe I was scared of where we
might go next. We never kissed. The last date, after I took her home
we were starting to draw nearer to each other, but then I backed off.
And I don't know why. At the time I did want to kiss her. But
something didn't "feel" right. It's been two months since then. We
still see each other at work, and on campus. We always stop and chat when
we do. But that's about it.
Since then I've had dates with a couple other women. Asked out several
others who had boyfriends or just weren't interested. There is one other
woman who I was interested in, but as I got to know her a little better
she seemed a bit too young to me (she's 19 and I'm 23). But at the same
time I was also seeing some little signs that might mean she is also
interested in me. And I wonder is this what is detering me rather than
the age/maturity difference? I wish I could figure it all out. Am I
gaurunteeing myself failure by going after women who aren't really
interested in me?
For now I decided I would stop dating (not that I do that much of it) until
I can take some time to figure this out. And I figure here is probably
one of the better places to seek some advice.
Thanks everyone. Just for being here and posting.
--
___
Ed Tyrrill / | \ The "War on Drugs" is a war on *people*
cer...@ucrmath.ucr.edu \/_\/ Don't apply YOUR morals to ME
Cynthia S. Gaver
I've learned that she was molested as a child by a house painter. The author
indicates that this would play a large part in the creation of her
personality. As life's irony would have it, the painter's name was Mr.
Flower's.
Although Louise Brooks felt little guilt or compunctions about the rather
wild life she lead, I was wondering what other s.a.r. netters experience
with guilt is. Me, I have enough to tie up a confessional box for hours.
To Karla: I think you're through the hardest part that is in writing the
letter. The fallout will be tense, I'm sure. But what would the alternative
be? I suppose that's what drives us in search of the honesty of our lives.
To the gentleman with the dating situation consider this, you are making
choices too. Look at yourself from the bird's eye. Visualize yourself
next to this person or on a date with this person. Does the image work?
And if you're giving up dating because you feel discouraged and without
self-worth, don't. The dating is a necessary process in finding the one
person after whom you will stop searching. I happen to believe there is
only one true soul-mate/love for every person. Imagine how many wrong
numbers that leaves you with. There is a Taoist expression about this
searching business that I'll leave you with.
'The mind searching with the mind of self finds only the self. Use both
the mind of self and not-self for full minding. Lose the self to find
the not-self. Lose one to find the other. Lose both to find the Tao."
Ehuggles to all on this dreary D.C. day...
Cynthia
Enigma
>And if you're giving up dating because you feel discouraged and without
>self-worth, don't. The dating is a necessary process in finding the one
>person after whom you will stop searching. I happen to believe there is
>only one true soul-mate/love for every person. Imagine how many wrong
>numbers that leaves you with.
I do not share this belief, and I find it rather depressing. Imagine
if your one true soul mate lived far away, and you never happened to
meet them. I think it is more likely that any two emotionally healthy
people could create a loving relationship/partnership - but that it
would be much easier to do with someone you felt attracted to on a
number of levels (and vice versa). I also tend to think that if a
person is not yet emotionally healthy, building a relationship is going
to be *much* more difficult.
I gave up dating for about six months to work on my recovery/healing.
I expected it to take several years, the fact that I made that much
progress in six months was rather astonishing. My SO had also given up
looking for a relationship, but although we only hoped to start a
friendship it turned into much more. I think that, depending on the
circumstances, it can be an excellent idea to give up on dating while
working on one's healing (for one thing, you don't have to feel bad
because you're alone - you *chose* to be alone).
--nimma
--
Holly McGrath <eni...@netcom.com> / "To act sincerely with the
1803 Mission Street, #339 / insincere is dangerous"
Santa Cruz, CA 95060 / -taoist proverb
Cynthia S. Gaver
soul-mate is someone you have to cross the Himalayas for. I happen to believe
that when you find and know yourself you find your soul-mate. That certainly
can be someone in your own back yard. Similarities like background, interests,
experiences can draw like people together.
Point 2: Well, so far, we don't agree on anything. So your formula of a few
months of non-dating worked for you. Fine. Let each individual decide for
his or herself what they need to do. My whole point was that if this gentle-
man was in anyway berating himself because he thought he was losing at the
dating game that he simply maintain his self-esteem and realize that not
everyone is compatible with his needs nor is he necessarily compatible with
theirs. Forgive me for trying to cheer someone up and offer a different per-
spective.