Boilin' Hot Nit Picks; *The* Big Ten Preview for 10/28/00
Andre Ervin
have been thinking this season:
What is up with that Spice Girls reunion???
Meanwhile, Chris Grovich is about to be J-E-L-L-U-S, as I mention that I
*finally* got DSL service this week, and have a new email address, which
if you look VERY CAREFULLY at the From: line and you're NOT A SPAMMER,
you'll have a good idea what it is. Our guest this week is Carl Banks.
Carl sez: It's a little known fact that Grovich, Dre, and I all grew
up together, on adjacent farms near the West Virginia-Kentucky border.
Ah, those were the days. Many happy memories. Back then, we had a
feature called "Boilin' Hot Gobbler Nit Picks," with Dre, a Purdue fan,
picking Big Ten games; Chris, a Penn State fan, picking the games of
major independents, and I, a Virginia Tech fan, picking the Metro
Conference.
The saddest day of my life was the day that top secret nuclear landfill
on the Grovich property began leaking and contaminated the whole town,
because I had to say goodbye to my childhood friends. Although I did
get to move out of West Virginia, so it was a happy day in retrospect.
Anyways, it's good to once again be a part of BHGNP, so let's make some
picks.
---
LAST WEEK'S RESULTS:
Illinois 25 Minnesota 43
Penn St. 39 Indiana 51
Michigan St. 0 Purdue 30
Michigan 14 Wisconsin 24
Ohio St. 38
Iowa 10
---
THIS WEEK'S GAMES:
ILLINOIS at MICHIGAN STATE
Carl - This game reminds me of the day Dre invited Chris and me to
visit his basement. Chris and I were exited; we had often heard about
"the basement," but had never been there. We wondered what exiting
adventures awaited us.
So Dre took us to his basement, and exitedly showed us his ant farm.
He described in great detail how the ant farm started out as a single
plastic box, and then grew in stages to the 24 interconnected boxes it
was now. Then he gave us a demo on adding another box to the farm, and
how it was important to only use tubing dotted with airholes, and why
we should avoid certain types of soil. After that, he showed us a
photo album of his ant farm, explaining each and every photo in detail.
Needless to say, it was the last time Chris and I accepted an
invitation to "the basement."
Anyways, the Illinois-Michigan State game should be about as
interesting as Dre's ant farm.
ILLINOIS 21
MICHIGAN STATE 14
Grovich - And I thought things were bad in Happy Valley. Two teams
that finished last year in such impressive fashion, now sitting at 1-3
and 0-4 in the conference. MSU has 43 points in four conference games.
Illinois played well enough to beat Penn State, but just made too many
mistakes. Blocked field goals, missed field goals, etc. Kittner's for
real though, and Illinois will just score enough to get by Sparty.
ILL-INI! 27
"Kegger? Nah, I'm just gonna go to the library" 16
Dre - This game should be played on Halloween.
No Longer Winless 21
That Other 1-4 Team 20
PENN STATE at INDIANA
Carl - This game reminds me of a hot summer evening when Chris, Dre,
and I were very bored and decided to go cow-tipping. We called some of
our friends (namely, Mark, Eric, Jon, Steve, Mike, Deb, Archie, and
Jefferson) and had the time of our lives tipping cows in the pasture
that night.
Jefferson's cousin Colette was visiting from Chicago; she came along to
watch. After we tipped 6 cows, we asked Colette what people do for fun
in the city. She told us about how city boys would go sow-humping.
So, we all went to the nearest sty, and found a sow. All the boys in
our group humped the sow that night, except for Deb, Mike and me. I
would have humped the sow, but I was too young, only 11. Mike tried to
hump the sow, but the sow wouldn't let him. We didn't find out until
much later why Deb didn't hump the sow.
Afterwards, Chris and Dre told me that, while sow-humping was ok,
cow-tipping was better. We all agreed that city folk were pretty
weird.
Anyways, the reason this reminded me of the Penn State-Indiana game is
because the sow's name was Indiana. (Then again, the cows were all
named Penn State....)
PENN STATE 35
INDIANA 14
Grovich - Indiana's been giving up a ton of points, and Penn State
actually looked decent on offense last week. PSU could very easily
lose this game, but Penn State's always had success against big name
offensive players. Well, not *always*...
Fire Jerry Dunn! 31
John Cougar Randle-El 28
Dre - This is where I'm supposed to say, "As crappy as PSU is this year,
they're more fundamentally sound than the Hoosiers, therefore they
should win this going away." Well, I'm going to this game, and as the
only one in RSFC to have ever seen great performances such as Jerry Rice
catching 5 touchdowns in a college game in the RCA^H^H^H Hoosier Dome
(heh), I wouldn't be at all surprised to see Antwaan go off like he did
against Minnesota. In the RCA Dome, that is.
Did I Mention I'll Be At This Game? 34
Fire Mike Davis! (Never Too Early, Right?) 30
WISCONSIN at IOWA
Carl - This game reminds me of one of the happiest moments of my
childhood, namely the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The three of us watched the
game at Chris' house. We all jumped for joy when Giftopoulos made the
final interception. But what made this game so sweet was that there
were some older boys, Miami fans, who would bully us around a little.
So after the game, we all went down to their hideout to taunt them
about it.
Man, I'll tell you what, they absolutely beat the shit out of us. I
remember feeling the cold January air on my loins as I was being bent
over a log, right before I blacked out. That's how bad they beat us
up.
Sure, we resented the beating, but we knew that nothing could change
the fact that our team won, and theirs didn't. (Well, to be perfectly
honest, Chris and I resented the beating. Dre we were never sure
about.)
Anyways, this Saturday, Wisconsin will beat Iowa about as bad as those
boys beat us.
WISCONSIN 31
IOWA 7
Grovich - I *guess* it's possible for Iowa to be in seventh or eighth
place after this weekend, isn't it? Hasty, would that mean anything at
all? Without a quarterback, however, Iowa's not going to get far this
weekend.
Barry's Boys 21
Kirk's Kids 9
Dre - Wisconsin has found their deep throa^H^Heat. Iowa has found,
uh...can I get back to you on that one?
Staying Just Above .500 28
Steve Alford For Governor! 14
NORTHWESTERN at MINNESOTA
Carl - This game reminds me of the time Dre and I decided to throw
Chris a surprise birthday party. Early in the morning, we snuck into
his house and hid in the hallway outside his room. When he woke up and
came out, we jumped out and yelled "Surprise!"
But, what was really surprising was that Chris was dressed in women's
night attire. He was wearing a fine silk see-through gown, embroidered
with eloquent lace. He also wore chic satin thong panties, the perfect
seamless addition for the serious wardrobe.
Dre could only ask, "What are you wearing women's underwear for?!"
Chris, who was never much of a morning person, looked at Dre groggily,
and gave him a quick kick in the shin. Then he game me a quick kick in
the shin, and said, "Screw you guys; I'll wear whatever I want." Then
he went back to bed, slamming his door on the way.
Anyways, Chris' panties were purple, and just as the Purple kicked our
shins in that morning, the Purple will kick in Minnesota's shins this
Saturday.
NORTHWESTERN 44
MINNESOTA 41
Grovich - What the hell kind of meltdown was *that* for Minnesota last
week? If the Goldy defense plays like that again this week, it'll be a
blowout. I think they'll bounce back, though. Keep your eyes glued to
the Big Ten standings as these teams fight it out for that coveted Sun
Bowl bid. I'm serious. Really!
<NUll> 38
<void> 31
Dre -
OHIO STATE at PURDUE
Carl - This game reminds me of how Chris was the first kid in town to
get an Atari 5200 Supersystem. He was a popular kid for awhile, but it
soon became a source of considerable ridicule for him. For no matter
how hard he tried, he never could get past the first level of Pac Man.
One day, Chris cleared all but one pellet with his first two lives.
All he had to do was get that one pellet on the bottom row. Dre and I
were saying, "This is it, Chris! This is the game you finally will get
to Level 2!" Chris took a deep breath, and guided Pac Man down towards
the pellet. All he had to do was make one more left, and the pellet
was his. Alas, he must have mistimed it, because, rather than going
left, he reversed his direction, and Blinky gobbled him up.
I don't know if Chris ever beat the first level. But I do know one
thing: in this week's football game, Purdue is Pac Man, while Ohio
State is Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde.
OHIO STATE 28
PURDUE 17
Grovich - tOSU looked flat, flat, flat against Minnesota but handled
Iowa rather easily last week. I kind of dig and respect both of these
teams, so when in doubt, pull for the guys who haven't been to the Rose
Bowl in 200 years. Purdue's defense will be *just* enough, if their
special teams don't you-know-what.
Drrrooooooooooooooo! 31
Boooooooooooooooooo! 21
Dre - I always liked Colecovision better, anway.
Rose Bowl? 31
Toledo Bowl 28
---
NEXT WEEK'S GAMES: (and no lame jokes this week!)
Indiana @ Illinois
Iowa @ Penn State
Michigan @ Northwestern
Michigan State @ Ohio State
Minnesota @ Wisconsin
--
dre
Andre Ervin
Ervin <dr...@earthlink.net> wrote:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
--
dre
By Archie Leach
> Dre - I always liked Colecovision better,
> anway.
Colecovision Donkey Kong
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Donkey Kong for Atari 2600
ISO9000-compliant since a week ago Wednesday
++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Well you friggen looser you kiss your mother with that filthy mouth.
Congratulations you've made it into my idiot filter ... you are such an
ass"-- "WhoKnows?" from alt.religion.mormon
"I guess drinking beer and smoking
pot in the woods is a freakish thing
to do...if you live in UTAH."
--cmsienko-at-yahoo.com
Deb McKenna
CARL! You da MAN!
Deb
Vijay Ramanujan
(snip)
> Carl - This game reminds me of the day Dre invited Chris and me to
> visit his basement. Chris and I were exited; we had often heard about
> "the basement," but had never been there. We wondered what exiting
> adventures awaited us.
>
> So Dre took us to his basement, and exitedly showed us his ant farm.
> He described in great detail how the ant farm started out as a single
> plastic box, and then grew in stages to the 24 interconnected boxes it
> was now. Then he gave us a demo on adding another box to the farm, and
> how it was important to only use tubing dotted with airholes, and why
> we should avoid certain types of soil. After that, he showed us a
> photo album of his ant farm, explaining each and every photo in detail.
>
> Needless to say, it was the last time Chris and I accepted an
> invitation to "the basement."
>
> Anyways, the Illinois-Michigan State game should be about as
> interesting as Dre's ant farm.
>
> ILLINOIS 21
> MICHIGAN STATE 14
First I'd like to say: how the hell am I supposed to argue with you if
your posts are going to be this funny? Then I'd like to add that, even
if your post was funny, I'm glad you got the week Michigan has a bye.
Vijay R.
Andre Ervin
> NORTHWESTERN at MINNESOTA
>
> Dre -
D'OH!
Minnesota let me down by losing to IU last week (no, not for standard
Boiler reasons), but they can still beat NU, even if they're not on the
road where they've been relatively DOMINATE. That is, if they can solve
the spread offense like they *didn't* do against Purdue. This could be
a fun game.
Purple Gopher Eaters 42
Spread and, uh, Nevermind 40
--
dre
Jefferson Glapski
news:39F9DE29...@msu.edu...
> Is there a RUTSie for best guest host on a Preview show?
>
> CARL! You da MAN!
Indeed. My sad attempt last year was RUTSed by Banks. Well-done, dude.
--
Your pla,
Jefferson N. Glapski
CRO...@prodigy.net wrote "Jefferson, go fuck yourself."
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($1 to Carl Banks)
Deb McKenna
Jefferson Glapski wrote in message ...
>"Deb McKenna" <mcke...@msu.edu> wrote in message
>news:39F9DE29...@msu.edu...
>> Is there a RUTSie for best guest host on a Preview show?
>>
>> CARL! You da MAN!
>
>Indeed. My sad attempt last year was RUTSed by Banks. Well-done, dude.
>
>--
>Your pla,
>Jefferson N. Glapski
>
homework in the past 2 yrs...
Deb
Still baskin in the afterglow...