Kibo Koans: latest in the series, collect them all!
David Pacheco
- o -
Kibo-ziao was meditating in the Garden at Feng Suey when an
acolyte approached him timidly.
"Master Kibo-ziao," asked the acolyte quietly, "is this world an
illusion, or is it real?"
Kibo-ziao meditated a little longer. Then suddenly, he smiled to
himself, opened his eyes and looked straight at the waiting
acolyte. "Go into the garden and ask Kibo-ziao: he will know the
answer." Kibo-ziao then closed his eyes again.
The acolyte failed to be enlightened by this response. Then the
acolyte remembered that Kibo-ziao had a quite advanced case of
Alzheimer's, and his short-term memory was pretty much shot. He
mumbled an apology and left Kibo-ziao to his meditation. And
drooling.
- o -
Master Kibo-Tse sat on his favorite chair in the Palace of Bok
Choi, and meditated on being/not being. Suddenly, a robed
student burst into the room and genuflected before him.
"Master Kibo-Tse," shouted the student, "I believe I know what
you are meditating about."
Kibo-Tse smiled, as this challenge had come before, from other
students. "Enlighten me, then, student," he said. The student
rose, and said "You are meditating about being/not being."
Kibo-Tse was shocked. No one had ever passed the challenge
before. "H... how did you know?" he stuttered.
The student pulled back the hood of his robe. Kibo-Tse gasped:
it was Kibo-Tse! Kibo-Tse fell back in horror as Kibo-Tse pulled
a machine gun out from the under the folds in his robe and
started shooting while laughing maniacally.
Kibo-Tse woke up with a start, sitting on his favorite chair in
the Palace of Bok Choi. "Man, what a whacked-out dream!" he
thought to himself; but just to make sure, he had all of his
students killed.
- o -
Kibo-san was out walking with his favorite student. As they
passed the Bridge over the River Kwai-Not, the student turned to
Kibo-san and asked "Master, does a dog have Kibo-nature?".
Kibo-san smiled and said "Moo."
"Moo?" replied the student.
Kibo-san pointed at a field beyond the Bridge. It was filled
with grazing cows.
"I see," said the student, who was enlightened, but in a bad way.
- o -
Two students were debating the Nature of the Troll. The first
student, whose name was Penet Fi, claimed that the Troll that
only Insults and Provokes Angry Responses is Not the True Troll.
The other student, whose name was Tsi-dao, held an opinion that
differed from the first: he claimed that telling people in other
groups they were Stupid because of the TV shows they watched,
thus Provoking an Angered Response, was the epitome of Troll
Humor. They decided to ask Master Kibo-Tsiao to resolve the
question.
The two students approached Kibo-Tsiao, who was counting
butterflies in the garden.
"Master Kibo-Tsiao," implored the first student, "we have a
question that demands resolution. I claim that the Troll that
only Insults and Provokes Angry Responses is Not the True Troll.
At the same time, numb-nuts here," he said, gesturing with an
extended thumb, in the manner of hitchhikers, towards Tsi-Dao,
"thinks it's funny to insult people on the TV groups. I think
that's stupid. Who is in the right?"
Kibo-Tsiao looked at both of the students intently. He stared
first at Penet Fi, then looked closely into the eyes of Tsi-dao.
Tsi-dao felt uncomfortable under the Master's scrutiny, and was
close to tears. Master Kibo-Tsiao studied their faces for a few
minutes more, and then took a step back and, angrily, asked them
both:
"Do I KNOW you people?"
Penet Fi and Tsi-dao looked at each other in confusion.
Suddenly, Penet Fi was enlightened: he cupped a hand over his
mouth and silently mouthed the word "Alzheimer's" to Tsi-dao.
Tsi-dao nodded his head, and waggled his finger close to his ear
in the manner of describing people who are a bit loopy, while his
tongue lolled back and forth in front of his mouth. Penet Fi
giggled.
"Ummm... thank you, Oh Great Master," said Penet Fi, backing away
slowly from Kibo-Tsiao.
"Yeah, that was... really helpful," said Tsi-dao, backing away as
well. Then, /sotto voce/, so that the Master would not hear, he
added "NOT!". Kibo-Tsiao shrugged his shoulders and went back
to counting butterflies in the garden.
Penet Fi and Tsi-dao went to the monastery's library and looked
up the answer in "Kibo's Big Bumper Book of Koan Explanations for
Dummies". It turned out that Penet Fi was right: trolling people
by saying they are stupid and getting only angry responses is not
the True Troll, and in fact is quite an immature thing to do in
the first place.
Therefore, Tsi-dao was wrong and owed Penet Fi a beer, so they
went down to the monastery's casino lounge and drank until
closing time, whilst hitting on the waitresses.
As they stumbled drunkenly back to their rooms, they giggled as
they imitated Kibo-Tsiao in the garden. "Do I KNOW you people?"
said Penet Fi in the manner of Kibo-Tsiao, and it really was a
spot-on impression.
- o -
-dp.
POOR SPOT!