The Debate Prep
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The Debate Prep
BYLINE: By GAIL COLLINS
BODY:
George W. Bush is really psyched for tonight. "I view this as a chance for
people to get an impression of me on a stage debating my opponent," said the
Republican nominee, summarizing the situation as only he can. His advisers
have been very busy lowering expectations, and have pretty much convinced
the nation that Mr. Bush will be the winner if he avoids referring to
tariffs and barriers as "terriers" again.
Al Gore spent the weekend at a shark research station in Florida, where he
was holed up with a heroic firefighter, a spunky senior citizen, a sturdy
steelworker and 10 other ordinary Americans. Debate prep was briefly
interrupted when the group tried to vote Mr. Gore off the island.
This is big, people, very big. Tonight we get answers to important questions
regarding taxes, health care and whether a genetically enhanced human
prototype can find happiness in a post-apocalyptic America.
Correction. The prototype issue will be addressed only on the Fox Network,
which has refused to pre-empt its new series "Dark Angel" to make way for
the debate. Fox apparently felt that the show's debut could not be postponed
because young viewers, well known for their inflexible adherence to routine,
had already put it down on their calendars.
The network has, however, decided to make amends by offering Mr. Bush and
Mr. Gore an hour of free air time to respond to the question "Why should
Americans vote for you?" Extra credit will be given for originality,
creative use of props and any reference to the critical problems facing
genetically enhanced prototypes.
Those of you not planning to be distracted by "Dark Angel" or the baseball
thing may be interested to know that some experts believe the debate
preparation has actually been too intense. "If I had to do it again, I would
not go through as much of that rehearsal stuff. I think it kind of took away
my spontaneity," said Michael Dukakis, the 1988 Democratic nominee, whose
innate effervescence is legendary.
Despite assurances that the public is finally getting really, really
interested in this race, we are a little worried that your attention has
faltered since the conventions, what with all those synchronized swimmers
and beach volleyball playoffs. This is what's been going on:
Aug. 19 -- The new, improved, populist Al Gore rockets out of the convention
promising to fight for "working families."
Aug. 24 -- Acknowledging that she claimed to be suffering a mental condition
when she applied for workman's compensation in 1996, Pat Buchanan's Reform
ticket running mate, Ezola Foster, announces, "I am perfectly sane."
Aug. 31 -- In an attempt to support Mr. Bush's assaults on the "Washington
one-size-fits-all mentality," Dick Cheney loyally begins decrying the
mentality of "Washington knows all, one size fits best."
Sept. 6 -- Having done all he could for the working class, Mr. Gore
announces he's fighting for "middle class families."
Sept. 12 -- Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader visits the Jay
Leno show. When Mr. Leno asks what Mr. Nader does for fun, he answers,
"Strawberries."
Sept. 7 -- Mr. Bush, the ex-Compassionate Conservative formerly known as the
Reformer With Results, reintroduces himself as the man with "Real Plans for
Real People."
Sept. 18 -- Arguing that Mr. Gore had gotten a "pass" from the media, Karen
Hughes, a Bush spokeswoman, cites instances in which her man would have
gotten criticized "had the shoes been reversed."
Sept. 26 -- In a glimpse of presidential races past, Bob Dole is inducted
into the Department of Agriculture Hall of Fame, along with Smokey Bear and
George Washington Carver. Extolled Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman: "Bob,
you are the only one of these inductees who is alive and not a bear."
Sept. 27 -- In a TV interview, Bill Bradley is asked if Al Gore is
"trustworthy" and responds, "I think that there is no question that he would
be a better president."
Oct. 1 -- Goth rocker Marilyn Manson announces he is leaning toward
supporting George W. Bush. Republicans attempt to determine if they can coax
Eminem to come out for Mr. Gore.
LOAD-DATE: October 3, 2000