Klingon Eye For The Earth Guy
John Leister
Remember, always eat your gahk starting with the dagger
furthest from the plate.
*Manly men* wear braids AND ponytails.
Key word here is BULK. Body hugging jumpsuits SCREAM "sissy Earthman."
Chain mail: GOOD. Spandex: BAD !!
No occasion is too casual or too formal for black rubber body armor.
All right -- instead of a heavy sigh, growl deep in your throat.
NO COMB-OVERS!!
I don't care what those Terrans told you on "Queer Eye," we're
going for a martial effect here, so those frou-frou drapes have
simply got to go!
Earth dudes, the trucker hats have *got* to go.
No living room is complete without the mounted heads of your enemies.
Wear a red shirt if you're attending a funeral -- your own.
You *don't* want to tell a Klingon to "zhoozh" his hair.
You left the gagh *where*? Earthworm, you simply do not freeze the
gagh!!!
We've never seen a cluttered apartment that two minutes with a bat'leth
couldn't fix.
Cream depilatories are easier and less dangerous than razors for
removing the hair in your forehead crevices.
Good, now butt heads. *Tsk,* you Terrans and your puny skulls.
If you have no stomach for raw meat, red licorice left stuck between
your teeth will achieve a similar appearance.
No matter what, you need more leather.
No, no, no, see, if you bring the blade upwards during the
disembowelment you get more blood splatter for a nice
speckling effect.
Your refusal to discard overly tight, acid washed apparel brings shame
and dishonor to your ancestors.
Revenge is a dish best served at a formal, but intimate, dinner party,
accompanied by a late vintage blood wine.
and the Number 1 Style Tip on "Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy"...
It is always a good day to dye your hair.