Thrilling Ethical Adventures - a True Story
nenslo
A true story from my actual daily life
by O Nenslo
My actual Horoscope January 14 2003:
An increase in money could bring a lot of happiness and good feeling
into your home. You might be a bit concerned as to how to keep the
energy going, but don't worry about it, dear Nenslo. All signs are
that your success and good fortune are going to be around for a while.
Last night I decided I really needed to replace the crappy yardsale
backpack I use to carry my stuff to the health club, so today I went
to Deseret, the Mormon thrift store, to look for something suitable.
I dug through the shelves full of weird bags of all sizes and kinds
and narrowed it down to a Pokemon backpack for three dollars and a big
orange Guess bag for four dollars. The Guess bag was made of orange
ripstop parachute nylon with big clunky plastic zippers and rubbery
attached logos - its a style these days. It seemed like that was
pretty much the one I was going to go with. It had enough room for my
gear and was kind of crazy looking without being quite as silly as the
Pokemon backpack. It also seemed to have something cylindrical
inside. I looked all over inside it but there was nothing to be seen.
Then I found there was a semiconcealed zipper on the back of the bag
and inside was a plastic bottle of some sort of Herbalife energy pills
- the kind of fake speed that has actually caused people to fall over
dead. And a black fabric zippered pouch. I opened the pouch and shut
it again real fast because it had just what you have already guessed
it had in it. Money. I put the bottle of pills in the front section
of the bag and the pouch back in the back part AND ZIPPED IT UP and
headed for the cash register because for some reason I just didn't
feel much like shopping any more. I showed the guy at the register
the pills and we agreed they probably shouldn't be selling that kind
of stuff or even including it as a free bonus so I gave him the pills
and my four bucks and we bid each other a cordial goodbye. I drove
over to the parking lot of the coat outlet and parked for a minute.
It seems I had a pouch containing over one hundred and fifty dollars -
and a paycheck dated August 2001, with the name and address of the
owner. Now, most people wouldn't think twice about this sort of
situation. But I think twice about EVERYTHING, because I am a
SUPERIOR INDIVIDUAL. Ethics, for those of you who donut know the
meaning of the word, is what you do when nobody will ever find out.
Though I donut give TWO SHITS for your STUPID FEELINGS, when it comes
to issues of lost property or misallocated fundage I have been
described, with no prompting whatsoever from me, as “the most ethical
person on earth.” That's true, I really have been called that. I
could tell you plenty of stories about how damn ethical I am, believe
me, and they would leave you shaking your head. This time, however,
it took about one minute for me to realize that my reasoning went like
this: this person misplaced a wad of cash and an even larger paycheck
almost a year and a half ago, so any ill effects that might have
followed as a result are very likely long gone and forgotten. I said,
"This is for ME. This time, for once, I AM KEEPING IT." I could only
feel right about myself if I accepted this as PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE
OF A LOVING GOD. If it were a BIG amount of money, like a thousand
dollars, or it had been lost even six months ago, there would have
been no hesitation on my part; I would have done my best to return it
right away. But this, I just feel it's a gift from God. Who loves
me, and doesn't care much for the previous owner of the orange bag.
And we can put the money, and the bag, to good use. What's odd is
that this pouch got stuck in the bag, and who knows how much later it
was donated to Deseret and passed through who knows how many hands
before it got onto the shelf, and nobody even noticed it had a bottle
of pills in it much less a slim, nearly undetectable pouch. Of course
if you have ever been to a Deseret store you know that the folks they
employ there do not give one much confidence in the Mormon gene pool.
I am told that the Mormons themselves refer to a certain fraction of
their population as “the chaff.” This isn't the first bonus I have
ever gotten as a result of being a parsimonious pinchpenny, but it is
surely the largest.
chupacabra
nenslo wrote:
> Thrilling Ethical Adventures
> A true story from my actual daily life
> by O Nenslo
>
>
> My actual Horoscope January 14 2003:
> An increase in money could bring a lot of happiness and good feeling
> into your home. You might be a bit concerned as to how to keep the
> energy going, but don't worry about it, dear Nenslo. All signs are
> that your success and good fortune are going to be around for a while.
>
> Last night I decided I really needed to replace the crappy yardsale
> backpack I use to carry my stuff to the health club, so today I went
>
--
Chupi
Where did that kid goat go?
Blackout
"nenslo" wrote
dear mr most ethical person on earth:
you just fucked the mormons out of $150 and a paycheck they could have
forged a name on and deposited. I hope you feel good knowing that that's a
whole bunch of extra canned goods that won't be ending up in some poor
horribly overbred familys "they are coming to get us" basement stash.
I'm guessing the owner of the check died in a horrible accident, give the
family a call and pump them for details.
nu-monet v5.0
>
YOU GAVE AWAY THE PILLS???
But that was the BEST PART!
Don't you know how much money you could have
gotten flogging them to schoolkids???
Geez. Kids today. Wasteful.
--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
nu-monet v5.0
>
> nenslo wrote:
> >
>
> YOU GAVE AWAY THE PILLS???
>
> But that was the BEST PART!
>
> Don't you know how much money you could have
> gotten flogging them to schoolkids???
>
Or US Air Force Pilots...
--
"I don't trust common sense."
--Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
Rev. Ivan Stang
wrote:
> Thrilling Ethical Adventures
> A true story from my actual daily life
> by O Nenslo
I have felt stupid every time I DID return lost money, and stupid every
time I DIDN'T.
In high school, one morning, Goofus and I found a lockbox in the
parking lot. It had about $180 in it. We knew exactly where it came
from -- the previous night's high school theater production. We knew
who left it -- that drama club geek Mike Jung, who got solid 800s on
each of his SATs and was a known math super-prodigy. We also knew WHY
this genius had left the drama club's money in the parking lot: he had
been on his first date with a girl the previous night.
Goofus and I immediately cut classes and ate a huge second lunch at
Goff's with the first $8 of the money. But then I convinced Goofus to
return the money. It was the thought of the poor geek genius NEVER
KNOWING, and perhaps forever blaming his mistake on the fact that he
tried FOR ONCE to cop a piece of ass. You know how geniuses are. So I
talked Goofus into returning the money.
The minute we returned it, Goofus felt GREAT, and I felt STUPID.
The drama club teacher noticed the $8 missing but didn't harp on it.
Another time, I talked Goofus out of blackmailing a homosexual teacher.
It seems our high school had this very popular young history teacher
who had hair just like Robert F. Kennedy. This teacher would let
students hang out at his house near the school and smoke pot. Only one
day when the teacher was not home, Goofus, poking around in the empty
homes, found a bunch of slides of one of our classmates (a senior who
was a known "bad kid"), sporting nought but a boner and a big grin.
Goofus wanted to blackmail the teacher. I talked him out of it. I
didn't even KNOW the homo teacher, I just thought blackmail was
generally a bad idea. Nothing ever came of it. A year later the
teacher was fired anyway because a little kid DIED on his watch in an
unfortunate accident not related to the teacher's queeritude.
Maybe if we had blackmailed that teacher, the dopey kid that got killed
would still be alive. Maybe the stupid kid would have done the same
thing (suffoccated in a tunnel he'd dug in sand, which collapsed on
him) under some other teacher's watch. Maybe the teacher was a real
pedophile and we should have just turned him in. See what I mean? It's
hard not to feel stupid no matter what you do.
Goofus died of a drug overdose in Thailand before he even reached 40,
and I'm here to post this. The moral of the story: NOTHING IS FAIR.
((Goofus is known in SubGeniusland as Dr. X... third name down from
"Bob's" in The Book of the SubGenius credits.))
This has been my testimony.
Gallant
--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: je...@subgenius.com
PRABOB
HellPopeHuey
Most of the time, I have come out either boned, in a draw or
empty-handed. I have returned the money, kept the secrets, left
private disagreements private for the sake of not just myself, but the
other party and those who did not deserve to be stirred up over the
issue(s) at hand, major or minor, real or imagined. I have helped when
I did not have to. I have swallowed the shit and done the right/nice
thing anyway. I have said a kind word many times simply because they
have been all too lacking in my own world. I have tried to assume that
some people would benefit from those kindnesses, even if I never saw
the results. In return, I mostly have an anus you could fly a Stealth
bomber through and not touch either wingtip. I would be doing
wonderfully if I had screwed every person with whom I came into
contact. Most of my damned HAIR would probably still be well-rooted,
too, or I would at least be Dr. Phil rather than carping about this on
Usenet, flicking bits of Blackout and Nenslo and iceknife and other
paramecia from my sleeves.
I am a DUMBASS and if there is NOT some sort of Heaven where I get my
GODDAMNED ASS MASSAGED BY BABES APPLYING HONEY & SOOTHING OILS AND MY
GODDAMNED ANUS PUT BACK IN ITS PROPER CONDITION, I'M GONNA MAKE SO
MUCH GODDAMNED NOISE, THE ELDER GODS THEMSELVES ARE GONNA PISS LIKE
AMISH HORSES WHO ARE STARTLED BY MOJO'S BRUSHWOOD FIREWORKS! THIS
WARNING WILL BE MY LAST ACT OF KINDNESS, SO FUCKITY FUCK FUCK SHUT UP
SHUT UP I KEEL YOU MAIN I SWEAR I WILL SHUT UP
"Oooh, there was a rumor, about a tumor
nestled at the base of his braaaaain
but when the doctors came around
no diseases could be found
Who are we to say the boy's insane?"
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Next fugue state: 4 p.m.
"The best argument against democracy
is five minutes with the average voter."
- Winston Churchill
"I'll just sit here and pray to God spiders don't nest in my
crevices."
- "The Oblongs"
Ned Wreck
news:gicV9.2$%15....@news.uswest.net...
>
> I'm guessing the owner of the check died in a horrible accident, give the
> family a call and pump them for details.
>
>
Or, just pump them.
Ned
--
Eternal Salvation or Triple Your Money Back!!! HTTP://WWW.SubGenius.com
Blackout
"HellPopeHuey" wrote
> or I would at least be Dr. Phil rather than carping about this on
> Usenet, flicking bits of Blackout and Nenslo and iceknife and other
> paramecia from my sleeves.
IN THAT ORDER?
Artemia Salina
> I have swallowed the shit and done the right/nice
> thing anyway. I have said a kind word many times simply because they
> have been all too lacking in my own world. I have tried to assume that
> some people would benefit from those kindnesses, even if I never saw
> the results.
Don't worry Huey, it'll all come back to you one day. Just like in
that Volkswagen commercial where the sight of the shiny car rolling
down the street triggers a chain-reaction of strangers doing nice
things for each other.
I'll tell you though, I've never seen a miracle or anything that
approaches one, but I HAVE seen what would seem to be the effects
of "karma," both good and bad. As a result I tend to believe in the
latter much more than the former.
--
"It's cowardice to not stand by your opinions with your
one and only screen name." -- Kendra
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Joe Cosby
<y...@sheayright.com> wrote:
>On Wed, 15 Jan 2003 18:29:22 -0800, HellPopeHuey wrote:
>
>> I have swallowed the shit and done the right/nice
>> thing anyway. I have said a kind word many times simply because they
>> have been all too lacking in my own world. I have tried to assume that
>> some people would benefit from those kindnesses, even if I never saw
>> the results.
>
>Don't worry Huey, it'll all come back to you one day. Just like in
>that Volkswagen commercial where the sight of the shiny car rolling
>down the street triggers a chain-reaction of strangers doing nice
>things for each other.
>
>I'll tell you though, I've never seen a miracle or anything that
>approaches one, but I HAVE seen what would seem to be the effects
>of "karma," both good and bad. As a result I tend to believe in the
>latter much more than the former.
Whether there is some kind of karma or not, there's nobody who doesn't
know who they are, and who they aren't. If that isn't -as good as-
karma then neither is karma.
Not "good or bad" necessarily, in the sense of some objective judge
sitting with a scorecard, but whether what you do jibes with who you
are. I mean, you can be anybody you want to be, but only you know if
you are living up to that. And you certainly know if you aren't.
And if you aren't, you and everything you know are at odds ... with
you.
If that isn't as good as hell, then neither is hell.
I look at fuckers in the street, and a lot of them are living in a
kind of living nightmare. It's not especially mystical, it doesn't
require eerie paranormal powers to see it. You just look at people,
watch their faces twisting and writhing like sweaty worms. You just
look at how much they obviously have going on, how much they are
obviously struggling with.
With what? Well, there's nobody behind that face but them. And who
they aren't, and who they know they are not. And how much of a
problem they have with that.
And that's the world you live in, the one you really live in, -you-
are the world you live in. Whether there's a real world out there or
not, you are the world you actually live in.
I do believe that all of us have more possibilities open to us than we
can grasp, more than we can even believe. And if you are not at odds
with everything in the world, I think you get more of it.
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
Is this a frontier town, outpost on the abiding wilderness, or is it
simply just another suburb of a rusting industrial city? Wild bunch, brady
bunch -- the kids are restless either way
- Robert Scott Martin
nenslo
>
>
> I am a DUMBASS and if there is NOT some sort of Heaven where I get my
> GODDAMNED ASS MASSAGED BY BABES APPLYING HONEY & SOOTHING OILS AND MY
> GODDAMNED ANUS PUT BACK IN ITS PROPER CONDITION, I'M GONNA MAKE SO
> MUCH GODDAMNED NOISE, THE ELDER GODS THEMSELVES ARE GONNA PISS LIKE
> AMISH HORSES WHO ARE STARTLED BY MOJO'S BRUSHWOOD FIREWORKS! THIS
> WARNING WILL BE MY LAST ACT OF KINDNESS, SO FUCKITY FUCK FUCK SHUT UP
> SHUT UP I KEEL YOU MAIN I SWEAR I WILL SHUT UP
>
When I start to feel this way (EVERY FIVE MINUTES) I just think of the
people I have known who were entirely lacking in ethical consideration
and deliberately screwed people over if they thought they could get
away with it, people who were and are drunks, liars and thieves.
People like Bob Black and an ex-roommate of mine who posts here
occasionally. And I feel okay again because those are the people who
taught me that being ethical is good and being drunken lying thieves
like them is not good, and their lives are a whirlpool of complaining,
resentment, fear, and lying about their hangovers.
Blackout
"nenslo" wrote
so did you give the money you stole back to the mormons?
Rev. Magdalen
It's not stealing if the previous owner is obviously dead. Then it's
just creepy. He better spend it on Mormon-approved things or the ghost
of the bag's owner will get him.
--
They are mean because they are rejects from society.
--Bill Palmer on SubGenii
Rev. Ivan Stang
wrote:
I'm sorry, Nenslo, and I swear I'll pay up the other half of that rent
as soon as this, uh, "cold" goes away, I swear to ya man.
Squeeriously though, me personally, I fear -- in fact, I'm pretty
convinced -- that there's no such thing as karma, justice is in the eye
of the guy with the biggest gun, nothing is fair, and even evolution is
partial to the lucky. There's no reason NOT to be a completely evil
asshole, except that it's difficult to get away with it comfortably for
long. There's no reason to DO anything "nice," except for some good
consequence that you're probably only imagining. God is paying NO
ATTENTION, and the bad go the same place as the good - THE COLD COLD
GRAVE.
In other words, there's no reason to be "good" aside from just plain
WANTING to. (And even then, your idea of good might be your neighbor's
idea of sheer demonic evil.)
To me, this realization was something of a relief. I'm not obeying some
law of karma or man, or doing things out of fear of hell. I'm doing
what the hell I want to do, tempered by what I have to do. Even then,
both are judgement calls.
There is no "right thing" to do, because there never was a rulebook or
formula, and nothing is fair (or "not fair"), except inside little
individual human heads.
If you are being what you feel is good, then good. That makes you feel
better. The better you feel and the less invisible pitchforks you have
poking you, the less inadvertently MEAN you'll be, in attempting to be
good.
I am specifically thinking of times when people, sure they were being
good, said things to me that they thought would make me feel just
GREAT, but instead they hurt like shrapnel. Maybe I wasn't as much like
them as they were assuming. (And no doubt the opposite has occured.)
And therein lies the problem of doing good deeds for others. And
"Fighting the Conspiracy."
Lately my advice to the callow youth who ask me how they should fight
the Con is, "Make yourself stronger and increase your own Slack." It
puts the ball back in their court. Defuses the blame game. Hopefully
this will keep their know-it-all noses out of other peoples' business.
Also, hopefully, if they REALLY take responsibility, my taxes won't be
going to pay for their fucking rent.
Blackout
"Rev. Magdalen" wrote
> >>> I am a DUMBASS and if there is NOT some sort of Heaven where I get
> >>> my GODDAMNED ASS MASSAGED BY BABES APPLYING HONEY & SOOTHING OILS
> >>> AND MY GODDAMNED ANUS PUT BACK IN ITS PROPER CONDITION, I'M GONNA
> >>> MAKE SO MUCH GODDAMNED NOISE, THE ELDER GODS THEMSELVES ARE GONNA
> >>> PISS LIKE AMISH HORSES WHO ARE STARTLED BY MOJO'S BRUSHWOOD
> >>> FIREWORKS! THIS WARNING WILL BE MY LAST ACT OF KINDNESS, SO FUCKITY
> >>> FUCK FUCK SHUT UP SHUT UP I KEEL YOU MAIN I SWEAR I WILL SHUT UP
> >>>
> >>
> >> When I start to feel this way (EVERY FIVE MINUTES) I just think of
> >> the people I have known who were entirely lacking in ethical
> >> consideration and deliberately screwed people over if they thought
> >> they could get away with it, people who were and are drunks, liars
> >> and thieves. People like Bob Black and an ex-roommate of mine who
> >> posts here occasionally. And I feel okay again because those are
> >> the people who taught me that being ethical is good and being
> >> drunken lying thieves like them is not good, and their lives are a
> >> whirlpool of complaining, resentment, fear, and lying about their
> >> hangovers.
> >
> > so did you give the money you stole back to the mormons?
>
> It's not stealing if the previous owner is obviously dead. Then it's
> just creepy. He better spend it on Mormon-approved things or the ghost
> of the bag's owner will get him.
no, it was stealing. not from the origanal owners - from the thrift store.
the money was inside the bag by MISTAKE. mr. ethical bought a BAG with STUFF
THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN IT. if you go to wal-mart and buy a garbage
can for $10 and it "accidently" has a $1000 computer in it and you get it
out the door without anyone seeing it it's still called STEALING.
you'd think the most ethical man on earth would have figured THAT out.
Rev. Magdalen
Yeah. He's like, totally going to hell now.
MRvDC
Despite myself. I agree. This world, in addition to being false, is NOT
FAIR (or NOT NOT FAIR [should that be "nor NOT NOT FAIR"?].
Which is why "God" made alien death rays...but...CHRIST...shit.
Born of Science (Hybrid mix)
#!0
"I don't want to ride the bus. I don't want to go to school.
"I wish I was *DEAD*!
...[quiet thoughtful pause]...
"Well...no...not really...
...[brutal sneer]...
"I wish EVERYONE *ELSE* was *DEAD*!"
-- Calvin.
Blackout
"Rev. Magdalen" wrote
"Ethics, for those of you who donut know the
meaning of the word, is what you do when nobody will ever find out.
Though I donut give TWO SHITS for your STUPID FEELINGS, when it comes
to issues of lost property or misallocated fundage I have been
described, with no prompting whatsoever from me, as "the most ethical
person on earth."" - some dude that found stuff in his backpack that he
didn't pay for
if you are going to ream the mormons for the dough at least ADMIT YOU'RE
DOING IT
James T. Rex King of the Monsters
>time I DIDN'T.
Way back int eh 1980's, I was working on a survey crew staking out new
sidewalks and medians in Bethany Beach, DE.
It was January, cold, & windy as hell.
On on corner of the intersection we were working on was a bank. This guy comes
out, gets ito this HUGE Tuna Boat of a car and drives off.
Not soon after that, we see dollar bills flying in the wind like snow flakes!
They were all twenties too! We started to grab them up and chase them up & down
the street until we could not find any more. Then we took them back to the
bank.
Soon after wards, Mr Tuna Boat comes back up to the bank and starts to look
around real nerviusly, then walks back inside. Soon the cops pull up and they
come out to talk to us.
Seems Mr Tuna Boat had about $1800 in cash when he left the bank, and we only
returned $1750 plus or minus. He was accusing us of stealing that extra 50 or
40 bucks!
We had to go to the police station, empty our pockets, get sriped serched! The
Cops drove our Surburban in to the Station's Grarage and pulled out
everytthing! And if you ever seen the back of a Surveyor's Truck, there is a
lot of shit to pull out!
Finally, the cops are convinced we do not have the money. But now, our boss is
there! He's furious at us for losing a whole days work! And to top it all off
we have to load all the crap back into the suburban, while Mr. Tuina Boat yells
at us saying he knows wh stole his money, he's gonna sue us!
Thats the thanks we got fofr our honesty! After that I vowed to just keep any
money I find!
Later that spring we found an old nite deposit bag in some brush along the
road. There was cash in it. We divided up the cash & kept our mouths shut! I
had no guilt about it!
OH! Last year I was at the "Mom & Pop" grovery store down the block, when I
found a ten on the floor! I snatched it up think how lucky I was.
At the Check out, there was an old couple with their items on the counter. They
were looking for the money they thought they had. I had a sudden pangbof guilt
and asked thme what bill it was. Of course they said a ten. So I gave them the
money. As I left I saw them getting into this old worn out car and drive off in
a could of oil smoke.
Now I just stick to walking around the parking lot of the local bar on Sunday
mornings. You'd be surprized on how much money those drunk rednecks drop!
MSHOTZ: The Post Post Modern Man
"You remind Me a Song I can't name, in time I don't remember, in a place I
don't think I've ever been to."
Grampa Simpson
HellPopeHuey
> There is no "right thing" to do, because there never was a rulebook or
> formula, and nothing is fair (or "not fair"), except inside little
> individual human heads.
>
> If you are being what you feel is good, then good. That makes you feel
> better. The better you feel and the less invisible pitchforks you have
> poking you, the less inadvertently MEAN you'll be, in attempting to be
> good.
>
> I am specifically thinking of times when people, sure they were being
> good, said things to me that they thought would make me feel just
> GREAT, but instead they hurt like shrapnel. Maybe I wasn't as much like
> them as they were assuming. (And no doubt the opposite has occured.)
> And therein lies the problem of doing good deeds for others. And
> "Fighting the Conspiracy."
>
> Lately my advice to the callow youth who ask me how they should fight
> the Con is, "Make yourself stronger and increase your own Slack." It
> puts the ball back in their court. Defuses the blame game. Hopefully
> this will keep their know-it-all noses out of other peoples' business.
> Also, hopefully, if they REALLY take responsibility, my taxes won't be
> going to pay for their fucking rent.
Hm. I think I'll break with standard alt.slack procedure and mull
that one over for a coupla days rather than explode with the
traditional knee-jerk blarney.
However, I will submit that you are more likely to be "right" than I,
since you are a famous cult-leader beset with only 1) a nagging skin
condition, 2) a gross lack of time & funding with which to cover your
desired life-bases and 3) so many 'friends' that you cannot attend
them all as they (or you) would wish, leading to 1) and 2), whereas I
am merely a fragile, plus-size mental case. O fortuna! On rye with a
pickle.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Its getting better all the time...for bacteria
"When has the heart ever been rational?"
- "Uncanny X-Men"
"Get me 50ccs of ketamine! Get something for the kid, too!"
- "South Park"
HellPopeHuey
> On Wed, 15 Jan 2003 18:29:22 -0800, HellPopeHuey wrote:
>
> > I have swallowed the shit and done the right/nice
> > thing anyway. I have said a kind word many times simply because they
> > have been all too lacking in my own world. I have tried to assume that
> > some people would benefit from those kindnesses, even if I never saw
> > the results.
>>>>>> Don't worry Huey, it'll all come back to you one day.
Yeah, in a VW that will crush my knees.
I am not foolish enough to be sitting here expecting such a thing,
but I do believe in a system of checks and balances. I do not pretend
to have a handbook that details it and if you come to my door waving
one at me which you claim will explain it all, I will expose my
buttocks to you.
>Just like in
> that Volkswagen commercial where the sight of the shiny car rolling
> down the street triggers a chain-reaction of strangers doing nice
> things for each other.
The trick is not to be standing in front of the shiny car.
> I'll tell you though, I've never seen a miracle or anything that
> approaches one, but I HAVE seen what would seem to be the effects
> of "karma," both good and bad. As a result I tend to believe in the
> latter much more than the former.
If you believe in the magnetic ley lines which allow the swallows to
find Capistrano each year, then you are said to be one who accepts
scientific rationality. If you believe that there is an abstract
construct or being which affects the ebb & flow of Hyoo-mon existence
to some extent, then you are thought to be the wearer of an aluminum
hat that allegedly fends off alien probing. And if I microwave a
burrito for dinner, I will stop being hungry for a while.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Rev. Magdalen
of how nenslo found over $150 in real money and a pay stub in a bag at
the Mormon thrift store, and kept it for himself.)
The Lord Jesus Christ has weighed in on this issue, and his verdict is
clear: nenslo definitely did the wrong thing. Obviously, his own
conscience must be condemning him, or he never would have mentioned it
on alt.slack, and in the end, that is the most important thing.
Objectively speaking, what he did is definitely wrong because he did not
make any effort to contact the person mentioned on the pay stub. If the
money had been found without a pay stub, it would not have been wrong.
The Lord conjectures that the bag was stolen from its original owner,
hastily searched, and then discarded in the thrift store depository.
The money does not belong to the Mormons because, unlike merchandise
from Wal-Mart which might inadvertently become lodged in other, cheaper
merchandise, the money in the bag was never originally the property of
the Mormons. The fact that the pay stub indicates the money was lost
over 1 year ago makes no difference.
In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150. Which saddens
The Lord. He says that in order for nenslo to redeem himself, he must
make at least a token effort to contact the person named on the pay
stub. If he makes the attempt and fails to find the person, either
because the information is no longer correct, or because the person no
longer exists, then he may keep the money without being unethical.
He says you should not feel stupid if you return money that you find,
even if you don't get a reward, because that money was not yours, so it
is not the same as giving away your own money and getting nothing in
return.
The Lord's message for all His children on alt.slack is this: If you're
going to sell your soul, sell it for a LOT of money, not a measly $150!
"nenslo" <nen...@yahooX.com> wrote in message
news:3E24F2E4...@yahooX.com
Legume
> In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
> sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150.
Nope. Nenslo's price is a lot lower than that. He just got lucky that there
was more in the bag.
Joe Cosby
>Rev. Magdalen wrote:
>
>> In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
>> sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150.
>
>Nope. Nenslo's price is a lot lower than that. He just got lucky that there
>was more in the bag.
>
"Distrust all in whom
the impulse to punish is powerful."
- Nietzsche
>
>-----------== Posted via Newsfeed.Com - Uncensored Usenet News ==----------
> http://www.newsfeed.com The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
>-----= Over 100,000 Newsgroups - Unlimited Fast Downloads - 19 Servers =-----
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
who are you and where are my pants?
nu-monet v5.0
>
> The Lord Jesus Christ has weighed in on this issue,
> and his verdict is clear: nenslo definitely did the
> wrong thing. Obviously, his own conscience must be
> condemning him, or he never would have mentioned it
> on alt.slack, and in the end, that is the most
> important thing.
>
Speaking from the point of view of a higher plane, I
cannot agree with all of what you say. For if indeed,
it is nenslo's conscience bothering him, then perhaps
his actions and feelings are those on a karmic level.
As such, his actions and his feelings are intertwined
with these events, and with the actions, feelings and
events of others. Good or evil, right or wrong, are
meaningless dichotomies in such circumstance.
The events themselves cannot be labeled as good or bad,
for they are the creations of the participants, tools
with which to explore karma both within themselves and
with others. The stage settings for the actors.
The original owner (OO) of the bag and the money must
have had a purpose in their loss, or their loss would
be unimportant to him. Such loss sets the mood for
many useful emotional lessons in the OO and creates
the opportunity for nenslo to connect with OO, for
purposes yet unknown. Perhaps OO is calling out to
nenslo to create new karma, or to destroy an existing
karma the two of them share. This calling out may be
a general summons to create karma with anyone, or may
be specific to nenslo.
Many, too, are now the lessons available to nenslo, and
new choices for him to make. Does he choose to interact
with OO? Does he forsake or ignore this interaction, as
a lesson already learned? Is the money a true gift, for
which nothing is asked in return?
And, in the latter case, the big question is: what will
nenslo do with the money if he does keep it? For the
money itself is a neutral thing, unless, say, he tries to
eat it. He could buy a gun and go on a killing spree, or
he could waste the money frivilously, or he could use it
to make good karma or delete bad karma. He could buy and
eat cheeseburgers until he makes himself sick. He could
"accidently" save the life of someone he hates.
A good cue for nenslo would be if the money stays apart
from his other money. If it does not intermingle, or at
least in his mind he keeps a running tab of how it is
used, most likely it has a special purpose. If he *is* to
interact with OO, there will really seem to be no choice
in the matter. nenslo's "guilt" or conscience will force
him to act, unless he is very determined to ignore karma
and blow off OO for the time being.
If it is a true gift, and nenslo is conducive to it, then
the money shall flow in and flow out from him harmoniously
with all his other money. The only karma there will be
his delusion of "luck" or lack thereof, and how he deals
with it. If it is a true gift, and nenslo is not able to
receive it, then it will fly away effortlessly, and nenslo
will have no real profit from it, and will neither gain
nor lose from not having it.
Perhaps the very purpose of nenslo getting the money *is*
for him to write about it and for the Lord to discover
this information, to make a "judgement", and finally to
learn that a "judgement" is unneccesary from reading this
post. And the ramifications from this.
Perhaps nenslo the leper is supposed to be a leper,
and the Lord ruins his begging business by healing him.
--
"Proud and insolent youth,
prepare to meet thy doom."
-- Captain Jas. Hook
Blackout
"Rev. Magdalen" wrote
> (Read the whole story below if you haven't kept up on the thrilling saga
> of how nenslo found over $150 in real money and a pay stub in a bag at
> the Mormon thrift store, and kept it for himself.)
>
> The Lord Jesus Christ has weighed in on this issue, and his verdict is
> clear: nenslo definitely did the wrong thing. Obviously, his own
> conscience must be condemning him, or he never would have mentioned it
> on alt.slack, and in the end, that is the most important thing.
agreed
> Objectively speaking, what he did is definitely wrong because he did not
> make any effort to contact the person mentioned on the pay stub. If the
> money had been found without a pay stub, it would not have been wrong.
agreed with the exceptions noted below.
> The Lord conjectures that the bag was stolen from its original owner,
> hastily searched, and then discarded in the thrift store depository.
> The money does not belong to the Mormons because, unlike merchandise
> from Wal-Mart which might inadvertently become lodged in other, cheaper
> merchandise, the money in the bag was never originally the property of
> the Mormons. The fact that the pay stub indicates the money was lost
> over 1 year ago makes no difference.
if those conjectures are true he's right on. a more likely scenario is that
for whatever reason someone couldn't bear to look in the bag (death of a
family member, asshole roomate moves out, whatever) and donated it to the
thrift store whose property it then became. if they had known the bag had
something worth $$$ in it they wouldn't have priced it at $4 so they
obviously missed it. they fucked up and nenslo swooped in and took them for
the big bucks. mr. ethical my black ass.
HellPopeHuey
after Nenslo fucked his wife. It was bad enough when "Bob" did it, but
at least "Bob" knows how to party. Nenslo would just lower the QUALITY
of Hell with his damned carping and as rotten as Satan is, he DOES
have standards. Guilt, shmilt, burn while you learn.
Besides, what if he got Satan's wife knocked UP??? The Universe is
fucked enough; it sure doesn't need the added weight of demonic
Nensletic HALF-BREEDS crankin' up the old entropic boiler.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
If you call in the next 20 minutes,
I'll throw in a carbon-filament-impregnated spatula
so you can scrape your enemies off the driveway.
You were precariously balanced on your elbows and heels,
and I was just opening up the pickle jar.
- Friday Jones
"So you're like a therapist with a light-up cootchie."
- "Insomnia"
nu-monet v5.0
>
> Besides, what if he got Satan's wife
> knocked UP??? The Universe is fucked
> enough; it sure doesn't need the added
> weight of demonic Nensletic HALF-BREEDS
> crankin' up the old entropic boiler.
>
Yeah, and imagine Cher singing about it:
My father dorked Satan's wife
My mother's demons were ashamed of me
The said I somehow violated cosmic law
The Hu-Mans always called me "Little Nenslicky"
CHORUS:
Half-breed, that's all I ever heard
Half-breed, how I learned to hate the word
Half-breed, it's no good they warned
Both sides were against me since the day I was born
We never settled, went from town to town
When you're not welcome you don't hang around
The other unnatural monsters always laughed at me
"New York City? Get a rope!"
Repeat Chorus
--
"A stupid movie WILL NOT make you turn
down a blowjob. Simple as that."
-- nu-monet
nenslo
>
>
> if you are going to ream the mormons for the dough at least ADMIT YOU'RE
> DOING IT
I do. If they are too retarded to know when they have 150 bucks in
their hands, too fucking bad. I'm not. Fuck the Mormons. I took it,
and it's mine now. As far as anyone else on earth knew, that money
did not exist. I found out it did exist, and for once in my life did
what a fuckassed shitface like you would do, and I'm really glad I did
it. I didn't say I was the most ethical person on earth, I said I was
CALLED that, as you moronically failed to notice that you yourself
quoted. The whole point of the post, which you seem to be too fucking
idiotic to figure out, is that everybody has a limit to how far they
will go and still feel okay about it, and they will justify things to
themselves to make them fit into their own ethical limits and that's
what I did. I don't deliberately screw people over and I do my best
to see that people who lose things get them back, but I don't give
things back to people who never had them. I was given that money by
God and he thinks the Mormons are a bunch of weird honky freaks in
goofy underwear just like I do. And he thinks you are an idiot, and
he told me to tell you to shut up.
nenslo
myself how would I feel in that situation? Right up until I decide
that person is an idiot who deserves whatever I feel like punishing
them with. So how would I feel if I lost some money a year and a half
ago? Fine. How would I feel if I never knew the bag I sold had money
in it? Fine. How would I feel if I had some extra cash to buy
groceries and supplies with? Fine and dandy. Nothing anybody else
has to say about it means a god damn thing to me.
nenslo
>
>
> OH! Last year I was at the "Mom & Pop" grovery store down the block, when I
> found a ten on the floor! I snatched it up think how lucky I was.
>
> At the Check out, there was an old couple with their items on the counter. They
> were looking for the money they thought they had. I had a sudden pangbof guilt
> and asked thme what bill it was. Of course they said a ten. So I gave them the
> money. As I left I saw them getting into this old worn out car and drive off in
> a could of oil smoke.
>
Bless you. I found a little zipper bag on a seat on the bus once and
took it to the bus driver, and he told me a week later it belonged to
an old lady and it had nine hundred dollars in it and when she came to
the lost and found to get it she didn't even say thank you, she was
just mad. So am I glad or not? Doesn't matter.
nenslo
>
>
> The Lord conjectures that the bag was stolen from its original owner,
> hastily searched, and then discarded in the thrift store depository.
The Lord is full of shit. The paycheck was dated a year and a half
ago. It would have been stolen then because nobody keeps an uncashed
paycheck (not a paystub as he so omnisciently misapprehended) for a
year and a half, and it doesn't take a year and a half for things to
be processed through ANY thrift store, it takes about a week. If he
really was god in human form he'd know that. I wasn't asking
anybody's fucking opinion on it and you can all think any dumbass
thing you want, I don't care.
> The money does not belong to the Mormons because, unlike merchandise
> from Wal-Mart which might inadvertently become lodged in other, cheaper
> merchandise, the money in the bag was never originally the property of
> the Mormons. The fact that the pay stub indicates the money was lost
> over 1 year ago makes no difference.
It does to me, and I'm the one who found it, not him.
>
> In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
> sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150. Which saddens
> The Lord. He says that in order for nenslo to redeem himself, he must
> make at least a token effort to contact the person named on the pay
> stub. If he makes the attempt and fails to find the person, either
> because the information is no longer correct, or because the person no
> longer exists, then he may keep the money without being unethical.
I sold my soul to Satan almost fifteen years ago. I filled out a form
and where it asked what I wanted in return I said, "good luck."
Satan, the Lord of This World (it says that in the fucking bible),
pays off. I only ever got ONE THING I prayed to the false god JHVH
for; one dark desperate night decades ago I prayed "Please just let me
know what's TRUE." And he did. And now I know the truth - that he
doesn't exist, that the doctrine of sin is a fraud, and I am not in
need of forgiveness or redemption.
You tell Jesus to go have a three-way with himself. If he's so fucking
smart why didn't HE find 150 bucks.
Joe Cosby
>You tell Jesus to go have a three-way with himself. If he's so fucking
>smart why didn't HE find 150 bucks.
he found a touchy old fart who stole 150 bucks.
And isn't that even better?
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
ICEKNIFE
"Rev. Magdalen" <magd...@subgenius.com> wrote in message
news:bBLV9.61846$Pb.22...@twister.austin.rr.com...
Yes, by all means, give the check back to the wage slave so he can
buy beer, get drunk, and burn down the house by passing out with a
cigar in hand - killing his mate and their litter in the process.
It would be higly immoral and unethical to give the money back
without investigating the person in depth. Most people range from
unpleasant to PURE EVIL - if he gives it back without checking them
out, he's serving evil.
Of course, NOT investigating would be equally unethical.
The correct answer is... investigate, make a choice about returning
the money, and if it does get returned, write a story about the
experience and sell it for more than $150.00.
I AM SO DAMN SMART IT MAKES YOR ASS HURT!
John Starrett
Well, I once found a bag with some empty candy wrappers in
it, so I took it to the police station. Y'kow what? A week
later the guy who owned the bag came in and got it, and he
gave me a million dollars for being honest!
--
John Starrett
Rev. Magdalen
news:3E29882C...@carbon.cudenver.edu
Yeah well you know what? Once in Laura Ingalls' famous book _Farmer
Boy_, Almanzo finds a pocketbook with hundreds of dollars in it, and he
and his dad use advanced sleuthing techniques to figure out who in town
it probably belongs to, and Almanzo finds the guy at the wheelright's
shop and returns it to him!
And then that guy counts all the money and says "Well at least this
durned boy didn't steal any!" And Almanzo is ashamed because "durned"
is like a hella bad word back then, and so Almanzo's dad's friend, the
wheelright, grabs the guy with the pocketbook by the neck and threatens
to beat the crap out of him if he doesn't give Almanzo a reward! So the
guy gives Almanzo enough money to buy a horse -- the very thing Almanzo
has always wanted!!!
And, later in life, the descendents of that horse are what catches
Laura's eye and convinces her that he's a real catch! Without those
horses, they would probably never have gotten married and had their
daughter, Rose, who grew up to be a little-known newspaper writer who
convinced her mother to set her stories in print. So in the end, the
world was greatly enriched by one simple threat of violence on the part
of an honest wheelright.
nu-monet v5.0
>
> Well, I once found a bag with some empty candy wrappers in
> it, so I took it to the police station. Y'kow what? A week
> later the guy who owned the bag came in and got it, and he
> gave me a million dollars for being honest!
>
What about them little plasticly-kinda-rubbery bags
with goo in 'em you find in the park? Hell, I bet
you could pick up a dozen of 'em in an hour!
--
"No giant sea sparrow is known to be
endangered by the eating habits of goats."
-- correction in The New York Times
nu-monet v5.0
>
> And, later in life, the descendents of that
> horse are what catches Laura's eye and
> convinces her that he's a real catch!
I've always found it interesting in how animalistic
the people behaved in that time. Many are the tales
of how a marriageable young woman, scarce in the
frontier, had multiple suitors who were much of a
muchness. So she would have them fight to choose
who she would mate with.
But the men would be no less animalistically
practical, wanting a woman to be pregnant before
marriage, so he would know that she could bear
children.
Of course, life gets a little bit more "to the
point" when the average lifespan is 40 years, and
your are "old" at 35.
--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
MRvDC
nu-monet v5.0 wrote:
> Rev. Magdalen wrote:
>
>>And, later in life, the descendents of that
>>horse are what catches Laura's eye and
>>convinces her that he's a real catch!
>
>
> I've always found it interesting in how animalistic
> the people behaved in that time. Many are the tales
> of how a marriageable young woman, scarce in the
> frontier, had multiple suitors who were much of a
> muchness. So she would have them fight to choose
> who she would mate with.
>
> But the men would be no less animalistically
> practical, wanting a woman to be pregnant before
> marriage, so he would know that she could bear
> children.
>
> Of course, life gets a little bit more "to the
> point" when the average lifespan is 40 years, and
> your are "old" at 35.
>
>
Ah. Those were the days.
"lifespan"
#!0
nenslo
I think it's interesting that these folks who seem to know all about
everything never noticed that I never said at any time that what I did
was right or ethical. The strange irony they spotted in my acting in
direct opposition to my stated ideals, guess what! I noticed that
too, the very first moment that it happened. And I don't care because
a FOOLISH CONSISTENCY IS THE HOBGOBLIN OF DUMBASSES. I just told a
story about a real thing that happened which I thought was
interesting, and if people want to have all kinds of feelings and
opinions about something which happened a thousand miles away and can
have absolutely no effect on them, well HAVE FUN is all I can say. I
did what I WANTED to do for once instead of what I THOUGHT I OUGHT to
do, and I don't regret it one tiny bit. I Have Slack, and your dopey
opinions are not going to suddenly start mattering to me now or ever.
nu-monet v5.0
>
> I think it's interesting that these folks who
> seem to know all about everything never noticed
> that I never said at any time that what I did
> was right or ethical.
Yep, Jesus was right. He's feeling all guilty
about it.
Rev. Magdalen
Once there were two Buddhist monks walking by a river. On the other
side of the river they saw a young woman trying to get across, but the
water was too high for her to make the crossing. She called out to the
monks for help, though she knew they were forbidden by their oaths from
touching women. One of the monks crossed the river, picked her up, and
carried her across. He set her down and continued walking with the
other monk. The other monk became more and more upset until finally he
stopped and confronted his brother, saying "Why did you touch that
woman! You know it is forbidden!"
The monk said, "I put the woman down. Why are you still carrying her?"
Joe Cosby
Line breaks, nenslo.
They're attractive, and they're FREE!
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
Ya know, Jesus wouldn't be so popular if he wasn't all sweaty and naked on the cross
HellPopeHuey
> What I am afflicted with is a variable sort of EMPATHY.
YOU have EMPATHY? Who knew? Whew, sign of the End Times fer SHUR! You
sure didn't show any to poor Lil, hee hee.
BTW, I once found my ass with both hands, but it did not say thank
you, either.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
If some hick says "I love my dawg" and the dog whimpers,
you know somebody's cotter pin done come loose real bad.
If we can stand up
when all else falls down
we'll last through the winter
we'll last through the storms
- Peter Gabriel, "Ovo"
Don't look up here, you're pissing on your shoes.
- from a men's room wall, natch
HellPopeHuey
fear -- in fact, I'm pretty convinced -- that there's no such thing as
karma, justice is in the eye of the guy with the biggest gun,
Oh, THAT'S been working well, hasn't it, heh heh....I avoid the news
like it was a South American Jumping Spider a foot in diameter. Thank
GAWD for the Weather Channel!
>>>> nothing is fair,
Unless you strive to make it that way, knowing success or failure are
both uncertain and relative. Merry toboggan ride, ain't it?
>>>> and even evolution is partial to the lucky.
Which is why we should KILL the "lucky" so there's more food & air
for US!
>>>>There's no reason NOT to be a completely evil
asshole, except that it's difficult to get away with it comfortably
for
long.
Oh, I dunno. It seems to be a VERY viable life-career choice. Most of
the real shits seem to go on and on comfortably, ad nauseum.
>>>>There's no reason to DO anything "nice," except for some good
consequence that you're probably only imagining.
Its ALL about "imagining," even the Church proper. We're no better
than shingle-chewing deer without it. I am not a deer. We'll save for
another time the no doubt smarmy and derision-festooned debate over
what I AM or am not.
>>>>In other words, there's no reason to be "good" aside from just
plain
WANTING to. (And even then, your idea of good might be your neighbor's
idea of sheer demonic evil.)
...
>>>>If you are being what you feel is good, then good. That makes you
feel
better. The better you feel and the less invisible pitchforks you have
poking you, the less inadvertently MEAN you'll be, in attempting to be
good.
Gee, that sure sounds limiting. It reminds me of the end of Paddy
Chayefsky's "Altered States," in which a man who, by sucking down
mushroom cocktails, thinks he tracks Creation back to its (alleged)
root. He finds only chaos and that the only thing which gives it form
or meaning is the love he holds for his wife. Trying to define or act
on "Good" and "WANTING to" are the whole of the cloth.
Lawdy, man, I knew this wasn't a "love" cult when Rev. D. Lee Llama
handed me that first Barrage o' yours years ago, but if its
oft-promoted "HATE CULT" status is merely the glorified version of the
galvanic twitch-response of a dead frog's leg when you apply some
current to the muscle, I want my $30 back, HAW HAW! You ARE partially
right, but only partially.
>>>>To me, this realization was something of a relief. I'm not obeying
some
law of karma or man, or doing things out of fear of hell.
More and more, the laws of man ARE Hell.
>>>> Lately my advice to the callow youth who ask me how they should
fight
> the Con is, "Make yourself stronger and increase your own Slack." It
> puts the ball back in their court. Defuses the blame game. Hopefully
> this will keep their know-it-all noses out of other peoples' business.
Is there a telepathy pill that will bestow crucial discernment?
Yeah, I know, $30 a pill from the SubGenius Foundation, guaranteed not
to be MORE than 92% cornstarch, glucose and horse dung. Those are my
attorneys, Cornstarch, Glucose and Horsedung.
>>>> Also, hopefully, if they REALLY take responsibility, my taxes
won't be
> going to pay for their fucking rent.
There is a variant on Occam's Razor. Sometimes the simplest ANSWER
is horrifically so and you should be glad you don't have to ask
yourself the questions that require it.
I am sure most things of a "welfare" nature are not given out of the
kindness of the governmental heart; its done to keep the damned CRIME
rate down so the desperate, the hopeless and the insanely angry don't
march on the "lucky" side of town and eat the hearts of the residents
thereof.
There are many, many members of the Genetic Slurry group who would
well-serve both themselves and the world by swallowing a shotgun shell
with their frontal lobes, but hey, the point of the Dateline For
Dominance wherein Open Murder Day is a Fox show hasn't QUITE been
reached. Watch the TV Guide, though; it'll come.
I also believe that there IS some small sense of compassionate
stewardship at play. My elderly neighbor of 88 (who has a WICKED sense
of humor for a woman of her era) busted her ass for years and I have
no problem in thinking that a small portion of my tax money goes to
her pill bill. Its hard to remember such exceptions while under
duress, but they're for real, too.
I also know that some people are genuinely and desperately ill in
ways that can step far outside the bounds of what more fortunate
people would normally think of as illness. Not every variety can be
seen or heard readily. Some are quite devastating and exist in areas
that only crop up under certain conditions. Its no doubt hellish to
function well HERE and yet be unhinged HERE and OVER THERE, TOO.
I doubt that anyone, outside the evil jokes of alt.slack, REALLY
wakes up and says "Boy, I can't WAIT to be a drain on society and a
schlub of dubious merits! What can I do to more proactively fuck up,
fuck off and fail to rise to a reasonable standard of people's
expectations TODAY?" Each tale of woe is a bit different, each ability
to recover different based on means and timing, each >supportable<
desire to FIX things variable.
I AM sure of ONE thing I can fix today: I have to polish a pair of
Dobbshead pasties for my girlfriend, YEE haw!
nenslo
>
>
>
> Once there were two Buddhist monks walking by a river. On the other
> side of the river they saw a young woman trying to get across, but the
> water was too high for her to make the crossing. She called out to the
> monks for help, though she knew they were forbidden by their oaths from
> touching women. One of the monks crossed the river, picked her up, and
> carried her across. He set her down and continued walking with the
> other monk. The other monk became more and more upset until finally he
> stopped and confronted his brother, saying "Why did you touch that
> woman! You know it is forbidden!"
>
> The monk said, "I put the woman down. Why are you still carrying her?"
>
the monk said "No, YOU are!" And the other monk said, "Nuh uh, it is
you!" And the monk said "No sir it most certainly is not me." And
the other monk said "It most certainly is!" And the monk said "You
are an idiot." And the other monk said "You take that back!" And the
monk said "No I will not take it back, idiot." And the other monk
said "You will regret this!" And the monk said "Oh I am so scared."
And the other monk said, "You'd better be scared!" And the monk said
" Oh what are you gonna do." And the other monk said, "You'll see
what I am gonna do, you'll see." And the monk said "Well I will just
start holding my breath right now for that to happen." And the other
monk said "You go right ahead it will save me the trouble." And the
monk said, "Idiot." And the other monk said "All right that is it,
come on!" And the monk said "Oh buzz off little man." And the other
monk said "I have had it. This is it. This is where you go down."
And the monk said, " Okay, look, I guess I was a little harsh there,
just calm down." And the other monk said, "I am sick of you telling me
what to do, you take off that robe because I am going to pound you."
And the monk said "Okay if that is the way you want it okay." And he
took off his robe and they both laid into each other like nobody's
business until the other monk finally got the advantage and laid the
monk out with a good solid punch and then he picked up a big rock and
lifted it over his head and brought it down on the monk's head and
then he did it again and again until it was just a horrible mess and
he threw the rock to one side and went over and puked in a bush and
then after a while he put his robe on and took the other monk's stuff
and said, "Now who's the smart guy." And then he left.
nu-monet v5.0
>
(Geez, you forgot to add the *good* parts)
> The other monk became more and more upset until
> finally he stopped and confronted his brother,
> saying "Why did you touch that woman! You know
> it is forbidden!"
"You have disgraced the Shao-Lin Temple!"
> The monk said, "I put the woman down. Why are
> you still carrying her?"
"Aha, I can do what I want, for I am the Master of
Yung-Wang-Hing-Du, Flying Scumber Monkey Gung-Fu!"
> And the other monk said, "No, YOU'RE the one still
> carrying her."
"And it is FORBIDDEN to learn Flying Scumber Monkey
Gung-Fu from the syphletic drunken gutter-Master of
the Mountain, who sits in trees and steal apricots!"
> And the monk said "No, YOU are!"
"Aha, and not only THAT, but I have also learned the
secrets of the Flying Trampoline and Squatting Dog
Style Kung-Fu! (Swishing sounds as his hands go
around in a circle, chopping up air.)
> And the other monk said, "Nuh uh, it is you!"
"Those are inferior to the banging genitalia exercises
taught by our great teachers the Felonious Monks, and
will cause strange lines and spots to appear on your
body that I can poke with my fingers!" (More swishing
sounds in empty air.)
> And the monk said "No sir it most certainly is not me."
"Yo Mama!" (Loud incidental music and zoom in on
monks' face, showing him contorting it, repeatedly and
actorially.)
> And the other monk said "It most certainly is!"
"Not My Mama!" (More incidental music, zoom in on other
monk showing really pronounced sneer under moustache.)
> And the monk said "You are an idiot."
"I must destroy you to redeem the honor of the Shao-Lin
Temple!" (Lots more swishing.)
> And the other monk said "You take that back!"
"But you cannot destroy me and you cannot redeem the honor
of the Shao-Lin Temple, for it is I who jerked off in the
rice now for several months working in the kitchen and all
the other monks are weak from eating my poisoned jism-rice
and can easily be defeated as I fly through the air and
make swishing sounds at them!" (Incidental music again.)
> And the monk said "No I will not take it back, idiot."
"So it was YOU who I suspected was jerking off in the rice
now for several months working in the kitchen and making
all the other monks weak from eating poisoned jism-rice
so they could be easily defeated as you fly through the
air and make swishing sounds at them!!"
> And the other monk said "You will regret this!"
"But now it is too late for you all! Stubborn Donkey
Style!" (swishing sounds.)
> And the monk said "Oh I am so scared."
"Farting Tuna Style defeats Stubborn Donkey Style!"
(more swishing sounds.)
> And the other monk said, "You'd better be scared!"
"Licking Aardvark Style defeats Farting Tuna Style!"
(more swishing sounds and jumping around like a
monkey.)
> And the monk said "Oh what are you gonna do."
"Drunken Wino Style with Iron Liver is better than
anything YOU know, pussy!"
> And the other monk said, "You'll see what I am gonna
> do, you'll see."
"I'll kick your ass!"
> And the monk said "Well I will just start holding my
> breath right now for that to happen."
(They actually appear to start hitting each other,
to no effect. But real noisy.)
> And the other monk said "You go right ahead it will
> save me the trouble."
(Jumping through the trees while making monkey noises
at each other. Nobody even has a bloody nose yet.)
> And the monk said, "Idiot."
(All the rest of it is pretty much the same until one
of them hits the other one in the nuts *just so*, and
he keels over dead. Then the winner goes to back to
the Temple and defeats ALL THE OTHER MONKS AT ONCE,
EXCEPT ONE, who goes out into the mountains to learn
the SECRET STYLE of Kung-Fu that will allow him to
defeat the monk who just wiped out the other monks.
But ONLY after doing a bunch of exercises like breaking
crockery, poking at a tree and punching holes in rice
paper with his fingertips.)
iDRMRSR
"How do you want 'em?" said the vendor.
"Make me One with Everything" said the monk.
[*]
-----
nu-monet v5.0
"To achieve the cosmic joy, you must give up all
earthly possessions and pleasures, disciple."
"But what if I give up all my earthly possessions
and pleasures and do not achieve the cosmic joy?"
"Then, student, the cosmic joy is on you."
Joe Cosby
lol
The Usenet version
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
Just shoot them in the head with a MAGGOT GUN and claim it was a
tragic FISHING accident.
Joe Cosby
(HellPopeHuey) wrote:
>nenslo <nen...@yahooX.com> wrote in message news:<3E29156F...@yahooX.com>...
>
>> What I am afflicted with is a variable sort of EMPATHY.
>
> YOU have EMPATHY? Who knew? Whew, sign of the End Times fer SHUR! You
>sure didn't show any to poor Lil, hee hee.
>
Yeah, that was a GOOD ONE, nenslo! You found somebody with some real
weaknesses and trashed them utterly, for no reason other than your
hate of everything. Lucky day in nensloville, to actually find
somebody with some real insecurities who you can actually HURT.
I mean, some of these PUSSIES just PRETEND to hate everything and
everybody, fellow subgeniuses included, but then they show distressing
signs of actual kindness and empathy, showing themselves to be
SNIVELLING WEAKLINGS compared to nenslo.
nenslo has no such weaknesses. You have told everybody again and
again that you have nothing but pure hate for anything and anybody,
and you have proved it. Good on ya, nenslo! Well done! Curl up in a
ball with that burning ball of pain in your stomach, you have EARNED
it!
The world really does stink, and everything in it. These pussies
don't want to face reality, but NENSLO isn't afraid to tell the truth.
The world really does stink, every bit of it. It must, you smell that
smell everywhere you go.
Where else could it possibly be coming from?
> BTW, I once found my ass with both hands, but it did not say thank
>you, either.
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
"When any old idiot got the ability to use the net, any old idiot
did."
- Halah
Rev. Ivan Stang
Magdalen <magd...@subgenius.com> wrote:
>
> Once there were two Buddhist monks walking by a river. On the other
> side of the river they saw a young woman trying to get across, but the
> water was too high for her to make the crossing. She called out to the
> monks for help, though she knew they were forbidden by their oaths from
> touching women. One of the monks crossed the river, picked her up, and
> carried her across. He set her down and continued walking with the
> other monk. The other monk became more and more upset until finally he
> stopped and confronted his brother, saying "Why did you touch that
> woman! You know it is forbidden!"
>
> The monk said, "I put the woman down. Why are you still carrying her?"
Your husband the Lord Jesus Christ sprang that story on me when I was
hung up on some inconsequential little thing that made me angry. Not
surprisingly, I had never heard the wonderful little parable. It's such
a wise-sounding way to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." Plus
it puts the ball back in the court of whoever is griping at you.
It can be really INFURIATING to the person you use it on, as you're
basically accusing them of being too uptight over nothing. Which makes
them much MORE uptight, often. In fact, it can make them so mad that
they forget what they were originally uptight about and become more
angry about your saying they were too angry.
I thought the whole Ethical Adventures thread was an alt.slack classic.
--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: je...@subgenius.com
PRABOB
Rev. Ivan Stang
wrote:
See, that's just what I was saying about this monk story and how
maddeningly it says, "You're like being way too uptight over nothing,
man, so you must be like stupid." When the Lord said it to me, it
struck me as being true in my particular case that particular time, and
I was glad He had helped calm me down. Also I thought it a cute story
which I should remember, to spring on somebody when I wanted to PISS
THEM OFF.
Rev. Ivan Stang
<not...@succeeds.com> wrote:
> iDRMRSR wrote:
> >
> > So this Buddhist Monk goes up to the hot dog stand.
> >
> > "How do you want 'em?" said the vendor.
> >
> > "Make me One with Everything" said the monk.
> >
>
> "To achieve the cosmic joy, you must give up all
> earthly possessions and pleasures, disciple."
>
> "But what if I give up all my earthly possessions
> and pleasures and do not achieve the cosmic joy?"
>
> "Then, student, the cosmic joy is on you."
"ONE MUST NOT BE AT ONEFULNESSLESSNESS, TO BE AT ONEFULNESSLESSNESS."
-- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs when confronted with a customer complaint.
Legume
> he put his robe on and took the other monk's stuff
> and said, "Now who's the smart guy." And then he left.
I have to say that this, along with nu-monet's prayer, are right up there
as some of the best shit ever posted to alt.slack.
-----------== Posted via Newsfeed.Com - Uncensored Usenet News ==----------
http://www.newsfeed.com The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----= Over 100,000 Newsgroups - Unlimited Fast Downloads - 19 Servers =-----
nenslo
>
>
> See, that's just what I was saying about this monk story and how
> maddeningly it says, "You're like being way too uptight over nothing,
> man, so you must be like stupid." When the Lord said it to me, it
> struck me as being true in my particular case that particular time, and
> I was glad He had helped calm me down. Also I thought it a cute story
> which I should remember, to spring on somebody when I wanted to PISS
> THEM OFF.
>
Yep. See, you can carry on a dispute as long as you like, making the
other person think you are having an equal exchange and then pop this
out saying, "See, I am the brilliant elder monk and you are the dopey
novice so you have to stop arguing with me right now because I am
morally superior and you don't want to keep embarrassing yourself by
questioning that." People who use scriptures to correct and educate
OTHER people haven't learned anything from them themselves. It's how
small minds make themselves feel big - a total waste of the material.
And it's the classic example of that old saw you and I set the teeth
on:
Q: "What's the word for it when the thing you do to try to show how
cool you are is the thing that proves you're an idiot?"
A: "NENSLO."
chaosisrael
> Thrilling Ethical Adventures
> A true story from my actual daily life
> by O Nenslo
>
Three observations:
1)You wrote "do not" as "donut".
2)Checks become void one year after issue. Either the person's
employer cut hir a new check when it was reported missing, or the Bank
of Mundania quietly pocketed it.
3)As for the cash, even the cops generally follow the thirty-day rule:
anything not claimed within one calendar month of its disappearance is
the property of the person who found it.
Stop worrying about "ethics", whatever the hell *that* is, and start
paying attention to how society works at street level.
And watch your damn spelling.
--
C.
John Starrett
Now *that's* a Zen story!!!
--
John Starrett
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Zen koan:
Rev. Magdalen
When someone's "final comment" on an issue spreads over two days and
several different threads, then it is my duty to tell them this parable
if I have any respect for them at all.
nu-monet v5.0
Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
--
"HERE LIES NU-MONET.
GOT TRIPLE HIS MONEY BACK."
HellPopeHuey
READ this goddamned thread. Not all in pennies or foreign currency or
trade coupons, either; real live AMERICAN cash. In a cheap, nylon
Hello Kitty! backpack so Nenslo doesn't steal it.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
I'm happy in myyyyyy black-&-blue Heavennnn
"You know there's a decent chance I'm full of crap."
- "The West Wing"
"Australia is like Arkansas with a beach."
- Greg Proops
Joe Cosby
It's also a nice way of pointing out when somebody is arguing ad
absurdum because they don't want to admit the shriekingly obvious.
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
"Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two
pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as
they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. But because of
their limited perspective, they never came close to guessing they were
making champagne."
-- Kurt Vonnegut
HellPopeHuey
the dogs of Usenet savage your crotch."
HellPopeHuey
nohow. They're just some damned useless appendage like a veriform
appendix. I'm real busy watchin' "The Dead Zone" and I relate to
Johnny Smith too well to worry about no goddamned debate over no
ethereal idea of ethics nohow no more anyways.
BTW, get ready to see me dance the Forbidden Dance of Luv onstage at
X-Day 7. Clad in only day-glo camoulflage-patterned body paint and a
kevlar codpiece. It will include no ethics module whatosever. I'm
ejecting it. Its interfering with my dancing.
ridetheory
> -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs when confronted with a customer complaint.
"S'wonderful, S'onefulnesslessness, you should care for me..."
-- Sexton ignatz topolino
Joe Cosby
(HellPopeHuey) wrote:
>Alla you shut the hell up. Ethics ain't never done me no tangible good
>nohow. They're just some damned useless appendage like a veriform
>appendix.
VERMIFORM.
I think a veriform appendix is a brand of bra.
>I'm real busy watchin' "The Dead Zone" and I relate to
>Johnny Smith too well to worry about no goddamned debate over no
>ethereal idea of ethics nohow no more anyways.
>
> BTW, get ready to see me dance the Forbidden Dance of Luv onstage at
>X-Day 7. Clad in only day-glo camoulflage-patterned body paint and a
>kevlar codpiece. It will include no ethics module whatosever. I'm
>ejecting it. Its interfering with my dancing.
For THE LOVE OF BOB, don't forget your veriform appendix!
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
>Humor is how you demonstrate that you don't care about pain
> -- Friday Jones
Rev. Ivan Stang
<joec...@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com> wrote:
>
> nenslo has no such weaknesses. You have told everybody again and
> again that you have nothing but pure hate for anything and anybody,
> and you have proved it. Good on ya, nenslo! Well done! Curl up in a
> ball with that burning ball of pain in your stomach, you have EARNED
> it!
>
> The world really does stink, and everything in it. These pussies
> don't want to face reality, but NENSLO isn't afraid to tell the truth.
> The world really does stink, every bit of it. It must, you smell that
> smell everywhere you go.
>
> Where else could it possibly be coming from?
He Who Smelt It, Dealt It, is one way I heard it.
HellPopeHuey
> On 19 Jan 2003 21:12:42 -0800, hellpo...@subgenius.com
> (HellPopeHuey) wrote:
>
> >Alla you shut the hell up. Ethics ain't never done me no tangible good
> >nohow. They're just some damned useless appendage like a veriform
> >appendix.
>
>>>>>>VERMIFORM.
> > I think a veriform appendix is a brand of bra.
For want of an "m," the joke was lost, but only on the
anal-retentive. We really need to have a pucker-intervention for
Smarty-Boots Joe.
> > BTW, get ready to see me dance the Forbidden Dance of Luv onstage at
> >X-Day 7. Clad in only day-glo camoulflage-patterned body paint and a
> >kevlar codpiece. It will include no ethics module whatosever. I'm
> >ejecting it. Its interfering with my dancing.
>
>>>>> For THE LOVE OF BOB, don't forget your veriform appendix!
Huh, right, like MINE are the only tits moving south in this stupid
church. I could start a whole new flame war just by naming names. Some
people here LIVE for their damned tits. They'll be tripping over 'em
soon enough. Church O' The SAG-Genius, heh heh heh heh heh.....gives
the term "slack" a whole new meaning, don't it?
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
I was a teen-aged Grendel understudy
"Ah, the ancestral birthing grounds of my family!"
"Smells like a jockstrap."
- "Futurama"
"Suddenly Mr. Pull-My-Finger is selective about smells."
- "The Drew Carey Show"
nenslo
A fool quoting scripture is like a monkey playing a fiddle. It
doesn't make the fool wise or the monkey a musician, but it sure makes
the bystanders cringe.
If someone uses spiritual literature to DEFEAT people, to put them
down or shut them up, it would be better for them to BURN holy books
than to read them.
Rev. Magdalen
It's totally sad that you have to see it as an attack when people try to
gently point out to you the fact that you are obviously tormenting
yourself with guilt and that you should either just give the damn money
back or else take your own advice and stop going on and on about it! I
don't need to attack you -- if I want to see you suffer, all I have to
do is sit back and watch you post over and over how you DON'T CARE that
you know who that money belongs to because you're a TOUGH, CYNICAL GUY
and you are DONE talking about it, so everyone ELSE should just SHUT UP!
AGAIN!
But, since you really do seem to be excessively suffering now, and you
seem unable to really make a "final comment", I will have mercy. I will
now stop talking about this forever.
nenslo
>
>
> It's totally sad that you have to see it as an attack when people try to
> gently point out to you the fact that you are obviously tormenting
> yourself with guilt and that you should either just give the damn money
> back or else take your own advice and stop going on and on about it! I
> don't need to attack you -- if I want to see you suffer, all I have to
> do is sit back and watch you post over and over how you DON'T CARE that
> you know who that money belongs to because you're a TOUGH, CYNICAL GUY
> and you are DONE talking about it, so everyone ELSE should just SHUT UP!
> AGAIN!
It's totally sad that you make up stupid halfwit bullshit because you
are a peabrained ninny and tell other people that's actually what THEY
are thinking when you hardly even know what fuzzy half-formed thoughts
are slithering vilely through your own boggy oil-slicked mental
slough. A fool pretending to be wise is like a penguin in a top-hat;
not merely silly, but pathetic too.
>
> But, since you really do seem to be excessively suffering now, and you
> seem unable to really make a "final comment", I will have mercy. I will
> now stop talking about this forever.
Why don't you do the world a favor and stop talking forever period.
If we want the viewpoint of a hoarse half-drunk bony bar-faced hag we
can watch COPS.
Rev. Ivan Stang
wrote:
>
> Why don't you do the world a favor and stop talking forever period.
> If we want the viewpoint of a hoarse half-drunk bony bar-faced hag we
> can watch COPS.
Sounds like Nenslo's fishing for compliments.
HellPopeHuey
> If we want the viewpoint of a hoarse half-drunk bony bar-faced hag we
> can watch COPS.
Hey, I think we should show at least some small regard for ANY
SubGenius who makes it to TV, even via the back door. Just consider
what a FULLY drunken one might achieve.
Its not like that flapping, leather-winged, phosphor-dot abortion
"Friends" is doing anything for America. I saw an episode dubbed for
the Swedish market and vomited until I saw God as a pimply teen-ager.
I fail to see how inebrated drunken hags could do much worse.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Now with 12% more Sub-papalism!
"I wanna be a mongoose!"
- GIR
"I've got a red light warning
I don't know why
Maybe it'll go away if I shut my eyes"
I don't need your worship
just need a sacrifice each day
Don't need to worry
just want to help in every way"
- Tony Banks, "Big Man"
nenslo
>
>
>
> Sounds like Nenslo's fishing for compliments.
>
(Listens carefully) Hmm....
HellPopeHuey
> It's also a nice way of pointing out when somebody is arguing ad
> absurdum because they don't want to admit the shriekingly obvious.
All of this jousting is just whitewash for the central pivot we've
been dancing around for weeks: we all want to see video of Nenslo and
Magdalen sucking apple pie from one another's moustaches. Gimme
footage, PDQ.
--
HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
You can be GIVEN Slack, but you cannot be HANDED Slack.
"How do I know I'm here?
Not in some very lonely place?
How do I know I'm not on a star
spinning through outer space?"
- Big Bird, 'How Do I Know I'm Here?'
"I got NEEDS, Chicken Legs!"
- Mr. T