Canonical List Of Language Humor 1/5
Natural Korn Shellers
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L A N G U A G E H U M O R
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Canonical List Of Language Humor (Linguistic Linguini)
Archive-Name: language
Last-Modified: 94/11/04
Version: 2.09
Total-Joke-Count: 114
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Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
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To search for the main subject headings, `grep "^== " thisfile` To search
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additions or improvements to existing entries, find ">IMPROVED<".
Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
jcr...@zaphodmpd.tandem.com (Joseph Crowe), oke...@vax.sbu.ac.uk, cchapman@ice.
lakeheadu.ca, seh...@willamette.edu (Katie Sehorn), reic...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-
state.edu (Dennis M. Reichhold), mario_garzaro@zephyr_bbs.win.net (Mario
Garzaro), w...@netcom.com (William J. Evans), ar...@netcom.com (Alan Hall),
ful...@random.ucs.mun.ca (The Fulcrum Group)
CONTENTS
WAYS TO SAY "GOOD DAY"
WAYS TO SAY "GOOD BYE"
WAYS TO SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
WAYS TO SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS / HAPPY NEW YEAR"
WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"
WAYS TO ORDER A BEER
WAYS TO SAY THAT YOU ARE LEAVING
WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S CRAZY/STUPID
WAYS TO SAY "AS MUCH USE AS..."
WAYS TO SAY "HOPELESS SITUATION"
WAYS TO SAY "VOMIT"
WAYS TO SAY "FART"
WAYS TO SAY "USE THE RESTROOM"
WAYS TO SAY "HAVING SEX"
THE F WORD
WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV
VARIOUS INSULTS
VARIOUS INSULT COMEBACKS
VARIOUS EXCUSES
PUNS
TONGUE TWISTERS
WAYS TO TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER
VARIOUS LANGUAGE EXPRESSIONS
VARIOUS LANGUAGE HUMOR
DAFFYNITIONS
WHY ASK WHY
CONFUCIUS SAYINGS
YO MAMA AND DADDY
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "GOOD DAY" ======================================================
-= ways to say "good day" =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Afrikaans Dumela
Goeie More
Australian G'day mate
Chinese Ho Yat <Cantonese>
Nee Hau ma (How are you?) <Mandarin>
Guao Za <Taiwanese>
Dutch Goeden dag! [goo-dun-dag] <Scottish 'g'>
Hoi
Hallo <like 'Hello'>
English Howdy <Texan>
Yo! <New York>
Estonian Tere! Tervitus! (greet, greetings) <mainly to "greet">
Tere hommikust! (Good morning!)
Tere pa"evast! (Good day!) <a" = a-umlaut>
Tere o~htust! (Good evening!) <o~ = o-tilde>
Finnish Hyvaa paivaa <'a' letters have two dots above them>
French Bonjour
Salut
Gaelic Dia Dhuit
Georgian Gamardzhoba
German Guten Tag
Wie geht's (Lit. How goes it?)
Hallo (Hello)
Hebrew Shalom (Hello)
Mah Nishma (How are you)
Mah Shlomcha (How are you) <To a male>
Mah Shlomech (How are you) <To a female>
Mah Koreh (How are you)
Indian Shubh Dhin <Hindi>
Namaste <Hindi; accent on the e>
Adaab <"Hello" in Urdu>
Khem cho <"Hello" in Gujarati>
Indonesian Apa kabar
Irish Dia dhuit
Italian Buon giorno
Ciao
Hallo
Japanese Ohayoo gozaimasu (Good morning! before 10-11 A.M.)
Konnichi wa (Good day! after 10 - 11 A.M.)
Konban wa (Good evening! after ~5 P.M.)
Oyasumi nasai (Good night! when going to bed)
Korean Anyon (Hello)
Latin Salve! <singular>
Salvete! <plural>
Malaysian Selamat Sejahtera
Selamat Pagi (Good morning)
Selamat Petang (Good afternoon)
Apa Khabar (How are you)
Maori Kia ora <New Zealand>
Norwegian Hei paa deg
Persian Salaam (Hello)
Polish Dzien dobry
Portuguese Bom dia
Ola'! (Hello)
Romanian Buna ziua
Russian Dobryi Den
Pryviet <informal>
Spanish Buenos dias
Hola! (Hello)
Swahili Jambo
Swiss Gruezi (Hello)
Thai Sawatdee, Kop
Tibetan Tashi Deleks! (Good fortune to you!)
Turkish Merhaba (Hello)
Iyi Gunler (Good days)
Welsh Dydd da! <translated literally>
Bore da! (Good morning!)
Pnawn da! (Good afternoon!)
Noswaith dda! (Good evening!)
Nos da! (Good night!)
Shwmae (Hello)
Xhosa Molo
Zulu Sawubona
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "GOOD BYE" ======================================================
-= ways to say "good bye" =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Afrikaans Totsiens
Arabic Ma'assalama
Bengali Shubho Bidai
Bidae
Khoda Hafez
Brazilian Tchau
British Later, old chap. Here's mud in your face.
Canadian Catch ya on the flipside!
Take off, eh
Chinese Dzai Jyan <Mandarin>
Choy keen <Cantonese>
Czech Na shledanou Sbohem
Ahoj
Nazdar
Danish Farvel (farewell)
Hej ("Hi" or "So long", depending on context)
Dutch Dooei! [Dewey!]
Daag
Tot ziens
De mazzel
Hoi
Hou Doe <Brabant>
English Good bye
See yaa!
Later!
Get the fuck outta here! <East Los Angeles>
Estonian Na"gemiseni! (See yaa!) <a" = a-umlaut>
Head aega! (Good bye!) <mainly used>
Head o"o"d! (Good night!) <o" = German o-umlaut>
Aidaa! (Adieu!)
Hu"vasti! <u" = German u-umlaut>
Tshau!
Parimate soovidega (With best wishes)
Finnish Nakemiin <formal, a has two dots>
Hei <informal>
Hyva:sti <a: = a with two dots>
French A bientot
Au revoir
Adieu
German Auf Wiedersehen <more formal>
Tschuess <more casual; "ue" = u with two dots>
Bis denn (see ya)
Greek Yasou
Hebrew Shalom <very uncommon>
L'hitraot [Luh-HEAT-rah-oat]
L'hit [Luh-HEAT]
Byee
Hungarian Szia (means both 'hello' and 'goodbye')
<rhymes with 'see ya'>
Indian Albida <Hindi>
Indonesian Selamat Tinggal <Bahasa Indonesia>
Irish Slan leat
Slan abhaile
Slan go foill
Italian Addio
Arrivederci
Ciao
Japanese Sayonara
Jaa nee
Jaa mata
Bai bai
Latin addedee-addedee
Vale! <singular>
Valete! <plural>
Malay Selamat Tinggal. Jumpa Lagi <when you are leaving someone>
Selamat Jalan <when someone is leaving you>
Selamat Sejahtera
Navajo Ha goo ne'
Norwegian Ha det bra
Adjoe
Farvel
Oriya Bidaya Neuchi
Persian Xoda Hafez <Farsi>
Pig Latin Oodbyega
Polish Do widzenia
Philippine Paalam (farewell) [PA-uh-lum]
Sige <informal> [SEE-geh]
Russian Dasvidania
Serbocroatian Dovidjenja [dow-wee-dje-nya]
Setswana O sale sentle <South Africa and Botswana>
Slovak Do videnia Sbohom
Spanish Adios
Hasta la vista, baby <Schwartzeneggerian>
Hasta luego
Swahili Kwaheri ya kuonana
Swedish Hej da
Synes
Adjo <with two dots above 'o'>
Tamil Njan poiyita verum
Pottu varan
Turkish Gule gule gidin
Allahaismarladik <with dots on the i's>
Unix kill -9 0; rm -fr /
^D
Urdu Khuda Hafiz
Welsh Hwyl fawr
Wordperfect F7
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" ================================================
-= ways to say "happy birthday" =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Afrikaans Geluk Met Jou Verjaarsdag
Amharic Enquan Lelidetih Adereseh
Arabic Eed Milad Sa`id
Australian Appy birthday, mate!
Bengali Shuvo Jonmodin!
Canadian Happy Berthday, eh
Bonne Fete
Catalan Bon Cop De Fals
Chinese sheng ri k'uai lo
sung yut fi lok <Cantonese>
Danish Til Lykke Paa Fodselsdagen
Dutch Gelukkige verjaardag
Hartelijk Gefeliciteerd
Esperanto Felic^an Naskig^daton
Estonian Palju o~nne su"nnipa"evaks! (Lit. Good luck for birthday!) <o~ =
o-tilde, u" = German u-umlaut, a" = u-
umlaut)
Finnish Hyvaa Syntymapaivaa
French Bonne Anniversaire!
German Alles Gute zum Geburtstag
Greek Chronia Polla
Hawaiian Hau'oli la hanau
Hebrew Yom Huledet Sameach
Yom Huledet Sameach, Ad Me'ah Ve'esrim Shana (may you live to 120)
Hungarian Boldog Szuletesnapot
Icelandic Til Hamingju Med Afmaelid
Indian Janmadin Mubarak <Hindi & Urdu>
Indonesian Selamat Ulang Tahun
Italian Buon Compleanno
Japanese Otanjoobi omedetoo
Otanjoobi wa omedetoo gozaimasu
Kannada Janmadinada Vandanegalu
Malayalam Janmadina aashamsakal
Malaysian selamat hari jadi
Marathi Shubh Vadhdivas
Norwegian Gratulerer med dagen
Polish Wszystkiego Naylepshego Z Okazyi Urodzin
Romanian La Multi Ani
Russian Pozdravlayem Z Dnyem Rozdyenya
S dnyem rozhdenia
Spanish Feliz Cumplean~os!
Suthunn Happy buthday, y'all
Swedish Grattis pa fodelsedagen!
Tagalog Maligayang Bati
Tamil Poranda Naal Valthukal
Telugu Janmadina Subhaa Kaankshalu
Thai Suk-san Wan-gerd
Turkish Dogum gunun kutlu olsun (Have a happy birthday)
Urdu Saal Girra Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese Chu'c Mu+`ng Sinh Nha^.t
Welsh Pen-blwydd Hapus
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS / HAPPY NEW YEAR" ==============================
-= ways to say "merry christmas / happy new year" =-= 1 =--------------------
>IMPROVED<
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Afrikaans Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige nuwe jaar.
Australian 'ave a bonza Christy an' a beaut New Year, mate!
Canadian Happy Holidays, eh! (and no socks this year, hosehead!)
Chinese Sing Dan Fae Lok, Gung Hai Fat Choi <Cantonese>
Shen Dan Kuai Le Xin Nian Yu Kuai <Mandarin>
Czech Vesele' Va'noce a s~t~astny' novy' rok!
Danish Good Jul og godt nyter
Dutch Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een gelukkig nieuwjaar
English Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Have a Merry Happy!
Esperanto Gajan Kristnaskon kaj Felican Novan Jaron
Finnish Hauskaa joulua ja onnellista uutta vuotta!
French Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee
German Froehliche Weihnachten und ein glueckliches Neues Jahr
Frohe Weihnachten und ein Gutes Neues Jahr
Greek Xronia Polla <'X' is Greek X pronounced as sharp 'h'>
Guarani Navidad Ara Pora
Hawaiian Mele Kaliki Maka
Mele Kalikimaka nui loa!
Hebrew L'shana Tova (To a good year)
Chag Sameach (Happy Holiday)
Hungarian Kellemes kara'csonyi u"nnepeket e's boldog u'j e'vet
Icelandic Gle[eth]ileg jol gott og fars[ae]lt komandi ar
<'Gle[eth]ileg jol' has an accented 'o';
'fars[ae]lt' has '[ae]' as 'ae' combined
and pronounced as 'I' in 'I am'; 'ar' has
the 'a' vith an accent mark>
Indonesian Selamat Hari Natal
Selamat Hari Natal dan Tahoen Baroe
Irish Nollag Shona Duit <Gaelic>
Nollag Shona Agus Beannachtai an Bhliain Nua!
Italian Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo
Japanese Merii Kurisumasu (Merry Chistmas)
Shinnen o medeto (Happy New Year)
Malay Selamat hari Christmas dan Selamat Tahun Baru
Norwegian God Jul og Godt Nytt Aar <"Aa" is "A" with little circle on top>
God Jul og Godt Nytt r!
Persian Siale noh mobarak.
Philippine Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon! <Tagalog>
Polish Wesolych Swiat (Merry Christmas)
Szczesliwego Nowego Roku (Happy New Year)
Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i szczesliwego Nowego Roku.
(Merry Christmas and Happy New Year)
Portuguese Feliz Natal e Feliz ano Novo
Romanian Un Cr~aciun fericit ,si la mul,ti ani!
Un Cr~aciun ,si un An Nou fericit!
<'~' is a sort of '\__/' over the 'a' and
is read like the 'e' in 'the'; the ','
before 't' and 's' go under their letters
and are read 'ts' and 'sh' respectively>
Russian S Novym Godom i Rozhdestvom Christovym!
Slovak Vesele' Vianoce a s~t~astlivy' novy' rok!
Spanish Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano
Swedish God Jul och Gott Nytt ar <'a' with little circle, pronounced like
French 'eau'>
Thai Suk Sun Wun Christmas, Sa-wat-dee Pi Mai
Urdu Christmas or nayah saal mubarak <Pakistan>
Vietnamese Chu'c mu+`ng Gia'ng Sinh va` na(m mo+'i
<'+' is the right half of a circle attached to the top of the
letter; accents are written over the preceding vowel; '(' is
written above the vowel like a 'short' diacritical mark in English)
Welsh Nadolig LLawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda.
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" ====================================================
-= ways to say "i love you" =-= 1 =------------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Afrikaans Ek is lief vir jou
Ek het jou liefe
Ek hou van U <jou can be used, but U is more personal>
Ek sekondeer dit
Albanian Ti je zemra ime
American Sign Language <Point to yourself "I"; then cross your
arms, with hands closed, just under your
collarbones "love"; then point to the
other person "you">
Amharic Afekrishalehou
Wudshalo
Arabic Ana Behibak <to a male>
Ana Behibek <to a female>
Ooheboki <formal Arabic>
Ooheboka <formal Arabic>
Ib'n hebbak
Nhebuk
Basque Nere Maitea
Batak Holong rohangku di ho
Bengali Ami tomAy bhAlobAshi
Aami tomaake Bhaalo baashi
Berber Lakh tirikh
Braille :..:| ..:| |..-.. .::":.., :.:;
Brazilian Eu te amo
Bulgarian Obicham te
Cambodian kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah
Bon sro lanh oon
Canadian I love you, eh?
Sh'teme <French Canadian>
Catalan T'estim <Mallorcan>
T'estime <Valencian>
T'estimo <Catalonian>
T'estim molt (I love you a lot)
Chinese Wuo i nee <Mandarin>
Ngo oi ney <Cantonese>
Croatian Ljubim te
Czech miluji te
Miluju te! <colloquial form>
Danish Jeg elsker dig
Dutch Ik hou van jou
Iech houw vaan diech
Ik hue van ye <Vlaams; Belgian Dutch>
English Oh my god! I, like, love you!! I'm so sure!
<California Valleyspeak>
Esperanto Mi amas vin
Estonian Mina armastan sind
Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian Ewodish'alehu
Farsi Tora dust midaram
Asheghetam
Doostat dAram
Mahn doostaht doh-rahm
Finnish Mina" rakastan sinua
Flemish Ik zie oe geerne
French Je t'aime
Je vous aime
Ich hoan dich gear <Alsacien>
Friesian Ik hou fan dei (sp?)
Gaelic Ta gra agam ort
German Ich liebe dich
I mog di narrisch gern <Bavarian>
Greek S'ayapo
(Ego) philo su <"ego" is only needed for emphasis>
Greenland Asavakit
Gujrati Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon
Hausa Ina sonki
Hawaiian Aloha i'a au oe
Hebrew Ani ohev otach <male to female>
Ani ohev otcha <male to male>
Ani ohevet otach <female to female>
Ani ohevet otcha <female to male>
Ani Mashtin Aleha
Ani Mashtin Leha al HaNeshama
Hokkien Wa ai lu
Hopi Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian Szeretlek te'ged
Icelandic Eg elska thig [yeg l-ska thig]
Indian Nenu Ninnu Premisthunnanu <Telugu>
My Tumse Pyaar Kartha Hun <Hindi>
My tumse peyar kia <Hindi>
My tumko peyar karta hu <Hindi>
My tumse peyar karta hoon <Hindi>
Ham Tomche Payer Kortahe <Hindi>
Indonesian Saya cinta padamu
Saya cinta kamu
Aku tjinta padamu
Saja kasih saudari
Kamu sangat cantik (You're beautiful)
Kamu cantik sekali (You're beautiful)
Italian Ti amo <if it is a relationship/lover/spouse>
Ti voglio bene <if it is a friend or relative>
Irish taim i' ngra leat
Japanese Kimi o ai shiteiru
(anata ga) Aishiteiru
Chuu shiteyo
Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu
Watashi wa anata ga suki desu
Watashi wa anata wo aishithe imasu
Suitonnen
Sukiyanen
Sukiyo
Ora omee no koto ga suki da
Ore wa omae ga suki da
Kimi ga suki desu <male to female; most common usage>
Anata ga suki desu <female to male; most common usage>
Kimi o aishite imasu <male to female; very formal usage,
usually heard in movies and dramas>
Anata o aishite imasu <female to male; very formal usage,
usually heard in movies and dramas>
Javanese Kulo tresno
Kiswahili Nakupenda
Klingon Qabang
QaparHa' <depends from where you are in the galaxy>
Korean Tangsinul sarang ha yo
Saranghapanida
Saranghae
Saranghaeyo
Nanun dangsineul mucheog joahapnida
Nanun dangsineul saranghapnida
Nanun gdaereul saranghapnida
Nanun gdaega joa
Nanun neoreul saranghanda
Nanun tongshinun sarang hamnida
Gdaereul hjanghan naemaeum alji
Joahaeyo
Kurdish Ez te hezdikhem
Lao Khoi huk chau
Latin Te amo
Amo te
Vos amo
(Ego) amo te <"ego", for emphasis>
Latvian Es Milion Tav-ay
Lebanese Bhebbek <to a female>
Bhebbak <to a male>
Lingala Nalingi yo
Lithuanian Tave myliu [ta-ve mee-lyu]
Luo Aheri <Kenya>
Macedonian Jas te sakam <J is pronounced as the 'y' in May>
Madrid lingo Me molas, tronca
Maiese Wa wa
Malaysian Sayah chantikan awah
Saya cinta kamu
Saya sayangmu
Aku sayang enkow
Aku sayang padamu
Aku cinta padamu
Engkaulah permata hatiku
Maori Taku Whaia Ipo <New Zealand>
Mohawk Konoronhkwa
Navaho Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele Niyakutanda <Zimbabwe>
Norwegian Jeg elsker deg <Bokmaal>
Eg elskar deg <Nynorsk>
Op Op lopveop yopuop
Orangutan Ooook!!!
Osetian Aez dae warzyn
Pakistani Muje se mu habbat hai
Mein tum se pyar karti hoon
Persian Tora dost daram
Philippine Mahal kita
Iniibig kita
Sinisinta kita
Iniirog kita
Ginahigugma ko ikaw <Ilonggo>
Namumutan ta ka <Bicol>
Pig Latin Ie ovele ouye
Polish Kocham cie
Kocham ciebie
Yacha kocham
Portuguese Eu amo te
Romanian Te iu besc
Te ador
Russian Ya lyublyu tebya
Ya tebya loobyoo
Ya vas lyublyu
Ya Tibieh Lublue <Malincaya>
Scot Gaelic Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian Lubim te
Serbocroatian Volim te
Shona Ndinokuda
Sinhalese Mama oyata adarei
Sioux Techihhila
Slovak lubim ta
Slovene ljubim te
Spanish Te amo (I love you)
Te quiero (I like you a lot)
Sri Lankan Mama oyata arderyi
Swahili Naku penda <followed by the person's name>
Swedish Jag a"lskar dig
Iaj alskar dej
Swiss-German Ch'ha di ga"rn
Syrian Bhebbek <to a female>
Bhebbak <to a male>
Tagalog Mahal kita
Tahitian Ua here (v)au ia oe
Tamil Naan Unnai Kathalikaren
Ni yaanai kaadli karen
Thai Phom Rak Khun <man to woman>
Ch'an Rak Khun <woman to man>
Tunisian Ha eh bak
Turkish Seni seviyorum (I like you)
Sana asigim (I love you)
Sana vurgunum (I love you)
Urdu Mujge tumae mahabbat hai
Vietnamese Anh ye^u em <man to woman>
Em ye^u anh <woman to man>
Toi yeu em
Welsh 'Rwy'n dy garu di.
Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi)
Bore Da
Yiddish Ikh hob dikh lib
Ich libe dich
Ich han dich lib
Yugoslavian Ya te volim
Zazi Ezhele hezdege (sp?) <Kurdish>
Zulu Mena Tanda Wena
Ngiya ku thanda
Zuni Tom ho' ichema
================================================================================
== WAYS TO ORDER A BEER ========================================================
-= ways to order a beer =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in <...>
Australian A schooner of VB.
Can I ava pot o' Vic thanx mate.
<Victoria>
Can I ava a middie of Bay thanx mate.
<Western Australia, more mainstream>
Givus a middie of Gold thanx mate.
<Western Australia, for Swan Gold beer>
Givus a middie of Export thanx mate.
<Western Australia, for Emu Export beer>
Givus a middie of Matilda Bay thanx mate. <Western Australia,
more of a boutique beer>
British A Pint of Beer Please
Canadian Gimme a two-four, eh? (Give me a twenty-four pack of beer, eh?)
Estonian Palun mulle u"ks kann o~lut! <u" = German u-umlaut, o~ = o-tilde>
German Eine Bier bitte!
Eine Pils bitte!
Japanese Bierdu [beer do] (Beer)
Bierdu o Kudasai (Lit. Please give me beer)
Daijoki o Kudasai [die-joe-key-oh-ku-da-sigh] (Big beer
please.)
Spanish Cerveza [survey-sah] (Beer)
Cerveza [fria] Por Favor [survey-sah [free ah (cold)] poor fahvor]
(Beer, please)
Otra Mas [Oh tra mas] (One more!)
Swiss Une autre, et que ca saute! (Another one, please)
Turkish Barmen oglum bir bira
Patron bir bira
Yakisikli bir bira
Doldur oglum acima
Welsh Ga i beint o gwrw, os gwelwch yn dda?
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY THAT YOU ARE LEAVING (list created by doug....@synapse.org) ===
-= ways to say that you are leaving =-= 2 =----------------------------------
Make like...
80% of live births and head out.
Al Gore in his backyard and get lost.
Ben Johnson and lose it.
Bob Marley and blow this joint.
Camilla and spread.
Catholics and pull out.
Christopher Columbus and shove off.
Donald and duck.
Fergie and split.
Houdini and disappear.
Imelda Marcos and buy a pair of shoes.
Jaques Custeau and blow this dive.
Jesus and die for us.
Jesus and leave us.
Liberace and get your shit packed.
Linda Lovelace and blow.
Little Bo Peep's sheep and get lost.
Lorena Bobbitt and head for the street.
MacArthur and fade away
Madonna and be on your toes.
Marilyn Chambers and blow!
Michael Fay and butt out!
Michael Jackson and beat it.
Santa Claus and leave their presents.
Van and Gogh.
a Canadian, "Eh".
a Catholic and pull out.
a Ferrari and burn rubber.
a GMC truck and blow.
a Gaussian surface and get the flux out of here.
a Tom and Cruise.
a U-Haul and move out.
a baby and head out.
a bad map and get lost.
a bakery truck and haul buns.
a bald man and be outta hair.
a banana and split.
a bank robber and get away.
a bee and buzz off.
a booger and hang out.
a bowel and move.
a boy and get lost (the Lost Boys - Peter Pan)
a bread man and hall buns.
a breech baby and butt out!
a breeze block and float.
a busboy and get the fork outta here.
a carpenter and screw off.
a cause and get lost (lost cause)
a check (or cheque) and got lost.
a cheerleader and split.
a chicken and suck seed.
a chimney sweep and haul ash.
a chord and get lost (the Lost Chord)
a computer programmer and shoot yourself in the foot.
a cow and mooo-ve.
a cow pie and hit the trail.
a dick and head out.
a dick and piss off.
a dick and pull out of this hole.
a dirty shirt and take off.
a donkey herder and move your ass.
a donkey's dick and hit the road.
a douche and get the fuck out.
a drum and beat it.
a dumptruck and haul ass.
a fart and blow this hole.
a fetus and abort.
a fetus and head out.
a fly and buzz off.
a glove and get lost.
a goalie and get the puck outta here.
a guillotine and head off.
a hairstyle and part.
a hat and go on ahead.
a hemorrhoid and hang out.
a highway and fork off.
a hippy and blow this joint.
a hockey player and get the puck outta here.
a hockey stick and get the puck out of here.
a hooker and fuck off!
a horse and hit the trail.
a horse turd and hit the trail.
a horse's dick and hit the road.
a jet and take off.
a junkie and blow this joint.
a kid in a shopping mall and get lost.
a king and triumph.
a krieg and blitz.
a leper and depart.
a liberal reality and get lost.
a library and book.
a magician and disappear.
a maid and get the sheet outta here.
a Mexican dinner and run.
a mirage and fade out of here.
a missile and cruise.
a mountain climbing expedition and get lost.
a murder suspect and get out of town.
a network and disconnect.
a new bride's panties and take off.
a newborn baby and head out.
a nose and run.
a nosebleed and head back.
a nut and bolt.
a nylon and run.
a pair of nickers and skid.
a pay cheque and get lost.
a penis and head on up.
a plane and jet.
a plane and take off.
a plumber and get the crap outta here.
a potato and chip.
a prom dress and take off.
a quaterback and take a hike.
a queer and blow this joint.
a rock and roll.
a rooster and crow away.
a sanitary towel...and press on.
a surrealist and fill a bath with orange juice.
a sewer and get the shit outta here.
a sheep and flock off.
a sheepherder and get the flock outta here.
a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
a snail and leave a trail.
a software pirate and get the phrack out of here.
a strawberry and jam.
a stripper and take off.
a terrorist and blow this place.
a toilet and bog off.
a toilet and get the crap outta here.
a tomato and ketchup.
a train and leave tracks.
a tree and get out of here.
a tree and leave.
a tribe and get lost (the lost tribes of Israel).
a virgin and lose it.
a wheel and spin.
a zit and head out.
an abortion and cut out early.
an alligator and drag your ass out of here.
an amoeba and split.
an amputee and depart.
an atom and split.
an e-mail network and lose it.
an egg and beat it.
an envelope and get stuffed!!
an exorcist and get the hell out of here.
an ice cube and melt.
an insect and fly.
bacon and eggsit.
cheap jeans and fade out of here.
dandruff and flake off.
deodorant and roll on.
diarrhea and run.
horse shit and hit the trail.
keys and get lost.
lightning and bolt.
mul and head.
one sock and get lost.
peanut butter and jam.
poo and ooz.
silverware and get the fork out of here.
smoke and dissipate.
some crusty boxers and take off.
the Sahara and desert.
the birds and flock off.
the dew and evaporate.
the wind and blow.
traffic and jam.
virginity and get lost.
whiplash and disappear...and reappear again.
your girlfriend and blow me.
your hand and beat it.
your head and come to a point.
your mother and fuck me.
Off like...
a dirty shirt.
a bride's nightie.
a herd of turtles.
a Jewish foreskin.
a prom dress.
a turd of hurdles.
a whore's drawers.
dirty shorts.
yo mama's undies.
Well, I'm off. But they knew that when they hired me.
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S CRAZY/STUPID (list maintained by a...@fc.hp.com) =======
-= ways to say someone's crazy/stupid =-= 3 =--------------------------------
(separate list maintained by a...@fc.hp.com)
$HOME = /dev/null.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A bad spot on the disk.
A bun short of a dozen.
A can shy of a six-(or twelve-)pack.
A couple of nuts short of a pecan pie.
A couple of open splices.
A couple of revisions behind.
A couple of volts below threshold.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
A cup and saucer short of a full place setting.
A few beans short of a burrito.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bits short of a byte.
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bombs short of a full load.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few cards short of a deck.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few drops short of a piss.
A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few holes short of a whiffle ball.
A few pages stuck together.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few tokens short of a toaster.
A few yards short of the hole.
A fool's fool.
A hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
A hole in his bag of marbles.
A kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A loose chip on the microprocessor board.
A Macintosh user.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Churchill
A notch off the timing mark.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.
A sausage short of a barbecue.
A short-circuit between the earphones.
A six-pack shy of a full case.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
About as quick as a jackrabbit (dead, that is).
About as sharp as a bowl of jello.
About as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
About as sharp as a pin head.
About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
About as sharp as jello.
About as smart as bait.
About four cents short of a nickel.
All booster - no payload.
All crown - no filling.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All over the place like a madwoman's custard. (Australian)
All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
As bright as two dark rooms.
As brilliant as a nightlight.
As flakey as a snowstorm.
As screwed up as a football bat.
As sharp as a marble.
As smart as a sackful of wet mice.
As thick as two short planks.
As useful as DOS 3.0.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Bats in the belfry.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using his head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
Born a day late, and like that ever since.
Born ugly and losing ground ever since.
Bright as a tulip bulb.
Bright as Tuktoyaktuk in December.
Bubbles in his think tank.
Buffer is full.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Calling him stupid is an insult to stupid people.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collecting cards for Craig.
Comes from a long line of first cousins.
Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't outwit a zero bar.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cuca fundida" (pron. 'cooka funjida'; means 'melted brain'; Brazil)
Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.
Diagnosable.
Diarrhea of the mouth, constipation of the ideas.
Does aerobics...in his head.
Does mental aerobics.
Doesn't deal from a full deck.
Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have all the pens in his plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Doesn't have his shit in one sock.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doin' 30 on the freeway.
Donated his body to science...before he was done using it.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks.
Dumb as a sack of hammers.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag full of hammers.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a box of Mexican jewelry.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Dumber than a chicken.
Dumber than shit on a biscuit. (Appalachian accent preferred)
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is stuck between floors.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention-span.
Fired his retro-rockets a little late.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Fruity as a nutcake.
Fucked-up as a soup sandwich.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
Got a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
Got a memory leak.
Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Got the mental agility of a soap dish.
Got the mind consistency of a parfait.
Got too many birds on his antenna.
Gyros are loose.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb. - attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his
deck altogether.
Has a brain like a B-B in a boxcar.
Has a few birds loose in the attic.
Has a few screws loose.
Has a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
Has a few wait states.
Has a mind like a sieve.
Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
Has a photographic memory; too bad there's no film in the camera.
Has a room-temperature IQ.
Has a screw loose.
Has a slow clock.
Has an ego like a black hole.
Has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Has bubbles in his think tank.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has no upper stage.
Has only one oar in the water.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has the IQ of a salad bar.
Has the IQ of an ice cube.
Has too many birds on his antenna.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Has two neurons separated by a spirochete.
Has two neurons, and they don't synapse.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Hasn't seen the football since the kickoff.
He can be outwitted by a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He doesn't have both oars in the water.
He has ROM (for a stubborn person).
He has a room for rent.
He has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat!
He hasn't packed a full seabag.
He has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
He has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He is playing hockey with a warped puck.
He isn't playing with a full deck.
He left the store without all of his groceries.
He might have all his bricks, but there is no cement holding them together.
He parked his head and forgot where he left it.
He puts mustard on his Fruit Loops.
He wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
He's a couple of bytes short of a full disk.
He's a couple of chips short of a motherboard.
He's just a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.
He's a scrotum... halfway between a prick and an asshole.
He's about as smart as bait.
He's diagnosable.
He's flying on one engine.
He's got Intel inside.
He's got a few wait-states.
He's got a gear loose.
He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
He's got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.
He's got a mind like a steel trap - rusty and stuck closed.
He's got all six cans, but he's missing the little plastic thing that holds
them together.
He's got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
He's in, but he's out to lunch.
He's lost his marbles.
He's not building rockets in his basement when he goes home at night.
He's not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
He's not linked with libclue.a.
He's not running on full thrusters.
He's not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.
He's paged-out.
He's playing with a full deck but the cards aren't in order.
He's reading from an empty disk.
He's running at 300 baud.
He's so dumb, mind readers charge him half-price.
He's swapped out.
He's working with an unformatted disk.
Head whistles in a crosswind.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Her elevator doesn't cover every floor.
Her kernel never popped.
His battery is dead.
His brain is stuck in first gear.
His brain waves probably resemble those belonging to Dr. Jack Kevorkian's former
patients.
His chimney's clogged.
His dialing thumb must be broken.
His driveway doesn't go all the way out to the street.
His elevator doesn't run to the top.
His face was flushed but his broad shoulders saved him.
His family tree doesn't fork.
His fence doesn't have all its pickets.
His line's in the water but the bait's missing.
His little red choo choo done jumped the track.
His memory is truly random-access.
His mind is out to pasture.
His pail is empty.
His parents threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
His potato has been bakin' too long.
His receiver is off the hook.
His reset line is glitching.
His skylight leaks a little.
His (think) tank is low.
His vacancy light is always on.
His/her dialing thumb must be broken.
His/her reset line is glitching.
IQ of a ice cube.
IQ of a salad bar.
If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were cotton, he wouldn't have enough to Kotex a flea.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to drive a piss-ant's go-cart
around the inside of a Cheerio.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had one more ounce of brains, he'd be half-witted.
If he were any dumber, he'd be a green plant.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If he were to eat his vegetables, it would be cannibalism.
If his IQ were two points higher, he'd be a rock.
If his brain were rolled up into a ball and shot up a maggot's ass, it would
still roll around like a BB in a boxcar.
If his brain were water, it wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If his brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If his brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If they knock heads, the implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, he's practically invulnerable.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
In a battle of wits, he'd be unarmed.
In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Intellectually challenged.
It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!
It's a shame when first cousins marry.
Judging by the old saying "What you don't know can't hurt you," s/he's
practically invulnerable.
Knitting with only one needle.
Landing on one engine.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Lights are on, but nobody's home.
Lights not burning too bright.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Looney tunes.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on the thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Mental agility of a soap dish.
Metronome needs oil.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap - everything gets mangled.
Mind like a steel trap - full of mice.
Mind like a steel trap - nothing in, nothing out.
Mind like a steel trap - rusted shut.
Missing a few catalog cards.
Missing a few gears.
Missing a few marbles.
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