STERN vs KAVA

[P.J. Gladnick]

The Place: Madison Square Garden

The Time: The Near Future.

(Madison Square Garden is the scene of a great debate between Howard Stern
and the San Jose Mercury News radio columnist, Brad Kava. The debate
moderator is Ted Koppel. Spectators fill the Garden and TV cameras are
there to broadcast the debate nationwide.)

KOPPEL: Good evening. Tonight we are going to hear a debate on the subject
of Advertising in the Media. The two protagonists are first, Howard Stern,
the King of All Media, the man who took a suck-ass miserable medium like
radio filled with Charlie Tuna voiced mediocrities, and raised it to new
controversial heights. His opponent is a disgusting little hypocrital creep
by the name of Brad Kava who hides behind a radio column at the San Jose
Mercury News.

STERN: Thank you, Ted.

KAVA: PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!

KOPPEL: Since he is the only one with anything intelligent to say, Howard
Stern will present the opening statement and hopefully rip Brad Kava a new
asshole.

STERN: Ted, my opponent, Kava, is a hypocritical jerk. He blasted me in his
column for doing an ad for a Mike Tyson fight yet his own newspaper printed
ads for the Tyson bout as well.

KOPPEL: Now that Howard has completely demolished your argument, what do
you have to say for yourself, Kava?

KAVA (sobbing): It's an imperfect world! I never knew the rules apply to
me!

STERN: Not only did the Mercury News print the Tyson fight ad but they also
print ads for sexy lingerie stores, strip clubs, and phone numbers for Hot
Asian Babes.

KAVA: This debate isn't fair! It's not the right time of day for me!

KOPPEL: Quit whining and answer the question!

KAVA (sobbing again): I can't! The moon is in the wrong phase, the
squirrels are hibernating too early, and it's raining in Burma!

KOPPEL: Any other lame excuses?

KAVA: Yes, I stubbed my toe in an accident over the weekend and I took an
aspirin for the pain. It's affecting my judgement.

STERN: Your judgement stinks! If you're so worried about me doing a Tyson
ad, why don't you quit your job because of the poor taste ads your
newspaper prints!

KAVA: That's different. I just work there. Besides you can always turn the
page and ignore the ad.

STERN: And you can always turn the radio dial if you don't like what you
hear!

KAVA: Mr. Koppel, I can't take it any longer! He's bullying me from the
pulpit!

KOPPEL: SHUT UP WIMP OR I'LL BULLY YOU WITH MY FIST!!!

KAVA: I'M DAZED! I ADMIT IT!

(Suddenly the stage is flooded with a yellow liquid.)

KOPPEL: Is there a plumber here? The stage appears to have sprung a water
leak.

KAVA: Umm.....Mr. Koppel, that's not water. This shock jock has me so shook
up that I'm urinating uncontrollably.

KOPPEL: OH MY GOD! Okay, just to kill some time while the stage dries out,
would you mind reciting a hackneyed cliche?

KAVA: If you sleep with pigs, you wake up smelling like manure.

KOPPEL: How about one more unimaginative cliche?

KAVA: If you sleep with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

HOWARD: If you're so worried about ads then why don't you protest your
newspaper's ads to your publisher, Tony Ridder?

(Kava falls down with a splash on the floor puddle. He assumes a fetal
position and sticks his thumb in his mouth.)

KAVA (whimpering): All I can think about is getting back to bed.

KOPPEL: I think we've heard enough. BOYS, HAUL THIS CREEP AWAY!

(Two large security guards walk on the stage, lift Kava to his feet, and
drag him backwards off the stage.)

KAVA (from off-stage): WAIT! WAIT! NOW THAT THE PRESSURE IS OFF, I GOT MY
COURAGE BACK!.....HOWARD IS THE KING OF ALL HYPOCRITES! HE'S THE MIKE TYSON
OF VERBAL ABUSE! HE LIED ABOUT BEING A VIETNAM VET!

KOPPEL (yelling to guards): AND TOSS HIS ASS OUT THE BACK DOOR!