Dark Musings: 23
Anonymous
(23)
One incident happened during this time that had far-reaching
consequences. It started simply enough. At one point, I was
talking to Jeffery via the computer. We were talking about many
things, and I brought up something that had been bothering me for a
while.
I was very sure that Jo was having a few problems dealing with my
relationship with Jeffery. Not that she was obstructionist, or
anything like that; she was warm and loving and truly tried to
include me in plans for the future. But it was becoming
increasingly obvious to me that she felt a bit insecure about my
relationship with her husband.
I knew that in part this had to do with the things she had been
going through lately, and in part it had to do with the intensity
of things between Jeffery and me.
I really felt that I could talk to Jeffery about anything. He
always seemed to understand my intent, and I didn't have to always
be so politic about my phrasing. This time I wish I had.
Jo had come into the room while Jeffery chatted with me on the
computer, and she was reading a bit of the conversation over his
shoulder. Nothing new in that; they had no real secrets and did
this sort of thing often.
She saw part of what I had written to Jeffery; and unfortunately,
the part she saw, taken out of context with the rest of what had
gone before, upset her terribly. Here she was struggling with all
of the various problems she had to deal with, and I am sure she
felt as if one more thing was undermining her current state of
mind. Jeffery and I both talked with her, Jeffery there in person,
and me over the computer, trying to repair some of the damage I had
inadvertently done. I tried to explain to her that I understood
what was happening, that she was Jeffery's wife, and as such felt
that she had first rights. That is perfectly normal and reasonable.
I also knew myself well enough to believe that I was going to have
problems being second. Not that I wanted to displace Jo, or hurt
her. I felt a great affection and attraction to her. I didn't
want to take Jo's rights away, but I wanted it clear how I felt as
well.
That, as I see it, is the crux of the problems in most polyamorous
relationships. It seems as if what happens is that everyone needs
a certain amount of love and attention. The love may be infinite,
but the attention, by the very nature of the beast, is not. There
is only so much of one person that can go around, and I really felt
we would run into a problem with me wanting and needing attention,
and Jo wanting and needing attention, and Jeffery caught in the
middle.
In my relationship with Tom, I had already seen how this worked for
me. As the one who was the third party in the relationship, I was
the one who got shorted. It hurt, and was very difficult when this
happened, and I didn't want to have it happen any more.
I really feel that if you are deeply in love with someone, you want
them to love you back. In fact, you want them to love you back
with as much intensity as you love them. And in the poly
relationships I have been a part of, or observed, that ends up
being the root of most of the problems. Not everyone can come
first or be loved best. In a poly relationship, it just isn't
possible, and it seems to end up with a tangle of people who are
seeking quantity instead of the quality they desire.
This isn't to say that all poly relationships are bad. I hear many
people talk about how well they work, and how much they enjoy
them. I know that I started both of mine in the worst possible
way. But this was the beginning of the end for me, in knowing that
perhaps poly works for others, but it doesn't work for me.
Jeffery and Jo seemed to have gotten back on a bit more of a stable
footing. It took a lot of talking and a lot of work between the
two of them, but this forever tainted my relationship with Jo. I
feel that from that time forward, she perceived me as a threat to
her relationship with Jeffery. And in some ways, her concerns were
perfectly valid.
At this time, I swore that I would never encourage Jeffery to leave
Jo for me. I knew that Jo had some fears of abandonment, and I had
the same types of issues. I desperately feared being left alone,
and my intimate knowledge of that helped to solidify my feelings
about the issue. I also felt that if Jeffery left Jo for me, he
would suffer for it. He loved Jo very much; to leave her in that
manner, I felt, would cause problems for him, and eventually us.
These problems, on top of the problems I was constantly having with
Tom, plunged me deeper into depression. I began to feel that this
situation was hopeless and no matter what I did, I was going to do
something wrong and hurt someone I loved.
I was trapped, with no way to turn, and the most ironic thing of
all was that it was a situation of my own making. Everything I
ever wanted hovered just out of my reach.
Dark