Dark Musings: 21
Anonymous
(21)
The next several weeks were very, very difficult. I continued to
talk to Jeffery as often as possible. He seemed to have the same
joy and wonder at our time together. I missed him terribly, and
eagerly awaited each contact. I loved Tom, and didn't want to hurt
him. And I wanted to be with Jeffery as well. So in the midst of
horrible arguing, I stood fast that I wanted to have them both.
My selfishness almost destroyed us all.
At this time, I knew that Tom was very fragile. Even though he had
been the Master in our relationship, I knew there was something
about contact with me that he seemed to need. He was a very strong-
willed man, but incredibly sensitive. I knew that somehow my
wanting someone else hurt him deeply, even while he had another
relationship.
I felt trapped. I couldn't bring myself to tell Tom how much I
loved Jeffery, and how Jeffery was my true Master. I knew it would
destroy him.
That sounds so melodramatic written down like that, and yet, even
now, I believe it to be the truth. Tom had been so wounded, so
many times, and he had found part of himself again through our
relationship. All of my life, I had been conditioned to be
responsible for others. I was the oldest child and was punished
severely for not being a proper caretaker. I fell back into the
good child conditioning. I had to take care of Tom.
I know that many factors came into play here, not the least of
which was the tremendous stress. We fought every day, bitter
fights, full of hurt and accusation. The balancing act was killing
me. One the one side I was trying to not hurt Tom, and preserve at
least part of our relationship. On the other hand I was
desperately fighting for something for me.
All my life, I had been taught that for me to want something was
wrong. That what others wanted and needed was more important. And
I was so tired of it... just not yet tired enough.
From the outside I am sure it looks easy, and I know there are many
who would have walked away long before this. But I didn't. I kept
hoping that somehow everything would work out okay. I was so
afraid.
I was afraid that if I let Tom go, I would end up with nothing.
Jeffery lived so far away, and he had a wife. I had already seen
how that worked with me and Tom. I knew that I would be lonely
with only a part-time relationship.
I was afraid that if I left Tom, he would commit suicide. He had
talked often about doing it if he lost me, and I believed he
would. I had gone through a near suicide once before, and I couldn't
deal with another one.
And I was so afraid that if I let Jeffery go, my life would lose
the magic that I had come to find with him. Thoughts of what it
would be like without him left me cold. I knew it would be like
winter, bare and stark, with little life or color.
And being so afraid... I didn't do anything right. I just kept
limping along, hurting all of us.
One thing that began to gnaw at me more and more was how my entire
relationship with Tom seemed to be based on being Master and
slave. With Jeffery, I felt that he appreciated me as an
individual, as someone apart from his slave. Jeffery encouraged me
to be the things I wanted to be. Our talks didn't revolve around
Master/slave, no more than our lovemaking had been all D/s. With
Tom, it seemed the opposite. We never had vanilla sex, only sex
involving BDSM.
Jeffery had shown me that there was more. He had shown me how to
combine the two, BDSM -and- vanilla. Jeffery showed me who was
Master, without heavy-handed slapping down. That was all Tom
knew.
I tried to talk to Tom about the changes I felt I needed in our
relationship. I tried to introduce some of the things that Jeffery
had shown me. And every time I tried, Tom's fear got in the way.
He could feel my distance, and knew he was losing me, and
consequently he tried to grab on tighter.
The fights during this time were almost constant, until one bright
spot happened. Tom decided to seek counseling. He said that he
knew that it wasn't fair for him to deny me other relationships
when he wanted to keep his wife. He wanted to come to terms with
things, so that we could continue to be together, and that I would
get the things I needed.
That was the first time that I began to truly understand the depth
of his love for me.
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