MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
Gene Newcomb
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes
will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The
software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently
seen
people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is
right
for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a
garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to
the
Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does
have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and
beer at the click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It
thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere,"
he
says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his
pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on
beer
holder for their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
video
games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering
to a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard,"
"Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and
"QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."