child abuse in Japan... Japanese Way???
X Japan
My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies. She doesn't work,
doesn't do housework, and mostly sits around all day screaming at the
kids and watching TV. (By the way, we are now in the U.S.).
When I tell her to STOP hitting, slapping and screaming at our 2
babies (one is 6 months, the other 18), she flatly refuses, saying
that is "Japanese Way". I am ready to call the cops, the situation has
become so bad. And yet she flatly refuses to stop slapping, saying
this is "Japanese Way".
I always feel uncomfortable lately, especially if I am returning from
work,
because she'll be waiting at home in a rage -- possibly hitting my
kids all the while.
If anyone in this group can give me some good advice or resources, I
would be eternally grateful. Thanks very much. If anyone can read
Japanese, I would love to show my wife some web sites or literature
showing her that spanking/slapping, especially in the case of babies,
is both stupid and dangerous.
Also, I would like to hear from some Japanese folks on this board. Is
this REALLY the Japanese Way, or this a sad excuse from my wife in
order to justify her atrocious temper?
While an American-style threat (calling the cops) seems to have no
effect on her behaviour, is there any Japanese technique (shaming) I
could use to stop the slapping?
BE ASSURED: I am no troll. You can email me personally if you want
more details on our situation.
Reyda
"X Japan" <japans...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:91182238.04030...@posting.google.com...
> Here's my situation:
>
> My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
> angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies. She doesn't work,
> doesn't do housework, and mostly sits around all day screaming at the
> kids and watching TV. (By the way, we are now in the U.S.).
Three questions :
-why did you marry her in the first place if she was angry, possessive and
jealous ? was she like that in the beginning or is it since you live in the
US ?
-is she happy here in the USA ? if she has no family and no friends, no
wonder she has the TV and her frustration alone.
-do you know that most housewives don't work in japan ? how much did you
know about life in japan before your wedding ?
Michael Cash
down from the Mount tablets inscribed:
>Here's my situation:
>
>My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
>angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies. She doesn't work,
>doesn't do housework, and mostly sits around all day screaming at the
>kids and watching TV. (By the way, we are now in the U.S.).
>
>When I tell her to STOP hitting, slapping and screaming at our 2
>babies (one is 6 months, the other 18), she flatly refuses, saying
>that is "Japanese Way". I am ready to call the cops, the situation has
>become so bad. And yet she flatly refuses to stop slapping, saying
>this is "Japanese Way".
>
>I always feel uncomfortable lately, especially if I am returning from
>work,
>because she'll be waiting at home in a rage -- possibly hitting my
>kids all the while.
You feel "uncomfortable"? How do you think the toddler and the infant
feel getting the shit slapped out of them all day for no fucking
reason other than that they have the misfortune of having a mother who
either was brought up that way or who has gone nutso from the stress
of adapting to motherhood in a foreign land?
If she is slapping them around and you know about and leave them there
to be slapped around, you may as well be the one doing the slapping
yourself. It amounts to the same damned thing.
This has jackshit to do with the cultural differences of the parents.
This is child abuse, plain and simple. You need to remove either the
kids or the abusive parent from the equation until the urge to abuse
has been removed from the abusive parent.
>
>If anyone in this group can give me some good advice or resources, I
>would be eternally grateful. Thanks very much. If anyone can read
>Japanese, I would love to show my wife some web sites or literature
>showing her that spanking/slapping, especially in the case of babies,
>is both stupid and dangerous.
>
>Also, I would like to hear from some Japanese folks on this board. Is
>this REALLY the Japanese Way, or this a sad excuse from my wife in
>order to justify her atrocious temper?
>
>While an American-style threat (calling the cops) seems to have no
>effect on her behaviour, is there any Japanese technique (shaming) I
>could use to stop the slapping?
Have you just "threatened" to call the cops? Or have you had her led
away in handcuffs and booked? Big difference. An oft-repeated but
never enacted threat is worse than useless.
Ideally, of course, you should get her some psychiatric help, but I
have doubts that she would go for it, or that it would do any good. It
sounds to me like you have on your hands a Japanese woman who is
steadily going psycho from not adapting to life outside Japan very
well.
>
>BE ASSURED: I am no troll. You can email me personally if you want
>more details on our situation.
The only details I would like are your name and address so I know
where to send the child welfare people and the cops.
--
Michael Cash
"I am sorry, Mr. Cash, but we are unable to accept your rap sheet in lieu of
a high school transcript."
Dr. Howard Sprague
Dean of Admissions
Mount Pilot College
Ryan Ginstrom
>
> My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
> angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies. She doesn't work,
> doesn't do housework, and mostly sits around all day screaming at the
> kids and watching TV. (By the way, we are now in the U.S.).
How long have you been in the States? From what you have said, it seems that
she is heading for a culture-shock/new mother meltdown, and unfortunately
the kids are going to suffer most.
> When I tell her to STOP hitting, slapping and screaming at our 2
> babies (one is 6 months, the other 18), she flatly refuses, saying
> that is "Japanese Way". I am ready to call the cops, the situation has
> become so bad. And yet she flatly refuses to stop slapping, saying
> this is "Japanese Way".
Yes and no. It would be very rare for the Japanese authorities to intervene
unless it was a case of serious physical injury -- bruises don't count.
Also, hitting/spanking is generally more accepted here.
That said, this kind of thing seems out of hand. No matter what your views
on spanking, a child under two should never be hit, except maybe the slap on
the wrist when they are trying to stick a fork in the power outlet.
Certainly not in anger, ever.
I think that what you need to do is take at least a week off work, like now.
Stay at home with the kids, give your wife some time off.
It will be better for your kids, better for your wife, and better for you.
Get a baby sitter and go out, just the two of you. Consider together what
you can do to get your wife a life, and convince her that it is OK to have a
life apart from her kids.
If the family situation allows it, bring over her mother to stay with you
for a month or so.
During that time, go someplace for a couple days, just you two.
BTW, if you mention cops you had better be damned serious about following
through -- with all the consequences that will likely entail, especially
assuming your wife is not a US citizen. Otherwise, leave those power trips
at the door.
--
Regards,
Ryan Ginstrom
X Japan
You are way out of your league in your response, pal. Step into my
shoes for ONE MINUTE.. things are not as easy as you make them seem.
For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops, if only
because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
AND ME. I am trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the
children.
By the way, she has threatened to return to Japan with my kids and not
give me visitation rights... this is the kind of sh#t I deal with
every damn day.
I have informed my wife's parents and sisters back in Japan about the
child abuse situation -- they continue to sit on that information and
mull over it.
As for her not getting adjusted to life in the US, that is just BS. In
fact, WE MET HERE IN THE US! She wants to be here.
> This has jackshit to do with the cultural differences of the
parents.
> This is child abuse, plain and simple. You need to remove either the
> kids or the abusive parent from the equation until the urge to abuse
> has been removed from the abusive parent.
You'd better believe it has to do with cultural differences, my
friend. I have informed her parents, I have informed the local
Japanese social services group, and all are IGNORING the problem as if
it were no big deal.
So my last resort is the cops, but that is a drastic step.
Remember: I am a father. There are NO RESOURCES FOR FATHERS in the
situation of having a female spouse doing the child abuse. NONE. NADA.
The system is set up against the dads.
> Have you just "threatened" to call the cops? Or have you had her led
> away in handcuffs and booked? Big difference. An oft-repeated but
> never enacted threat is worse than useless.
How do I get her led off in cuffs if the slapping shows no marks or
bruises? Ditto for screaming. The abuse is more psychological than
physical... it's extremely difficult to prove.
> Ideally, of course, you should get her some psychiatric help, but I
> have doubts that she would go for it
She won't.
>or that it would do any good. It
> sounds to me like you have on your hands a Japanese woman who is
> steadily going psycho from not adapting to life outside Japan very
> well.
Not true. We life in a large metro area with a large Japanese
immigrant population, and many Japan-centric services. She has
Japanese friends and acquaintances here. This was also a problem when
we lived there (in Japan).
> The only details I would like are your name and address so I know
> where to send the child welfare people and the cops.
Look into what my rights as a father are (not many), and you will
understand why I don't want to fight this battle in courts or the
social worker offices. I asked for help or advice, not judgement or
condemnation.
Raj Feridun
>Michael,
>
>You are way out of your league in your response, pal. Step into my
>shoes for ONE MINUTE.. things are not as easy as you make them seem.
>For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops, if only
>because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
>two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
>father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
>AND ME. I am trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the
>children.
Pardon me for getting just a bit judgemental here as well but every
second you leave your kids alone with someone whom you KNOW to be
abusive is not only dangerous but irresponsible. I believe that just
constantly screaming and yelling alone at kids that young can damage
them for life nevermind not having 2 loving parents to raise them.
I'm not saying I don't sympathize with your situation, I do. But your
number one priority should be getting the children out of harm's way
at any cost and immediately. If my wife (who is Japanese) were in any
way abusive with our 3 children I'd make sure she got help before I
left her alone for one second with them.
>> Ideally, of course, you should get her some psychiatric help, but I
>> have doubts that she would go for it
>She won't.
That's too bad. I agree that would be the best case scenario. I like
Ryan's advice. Get a babysitter and get your wife away from the kids
for a while. Spend some time together and let her cool down. I know
how stressed my wife is with just one 15-month old baby to take care
of (my sons are in grade school) and her parents are often here while
I'm at work to help out. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your
wife with two babies to take care of all by herself.
Maybe she just needs a break.
Best of luck to you!
Raj
John W.
> Michael,
>
> You are way out of your league in your response, pal. Step into my
> shoes for ONE MINUTE.. things are not as easy as you make them seem.
>
> For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops, if only
> because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
> two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
> father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
> AND ME. I am trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the
> children.
>
humanitarian.
>
> So my last resort is the cops, but that is a drastic step.
>
> Remember: I am a father. There are NO RESOURCES FOR FATHERS in the
> situation of having a female spouse doing the child abuse. NONE. NADA.
> The system is set up against the dads.
>
You are sorely misinformed.
> > Have you just "threatened" to call the cops? Or have you had her led
> > away in handcuffs and booked? Big difference. An oft-repeated but
> > never enacted threat is worse than useless.
>
> How do I get her led off in cuffs if the slapping shows no marks or
> bruises? Ditto for screaming. The abuse is more psychological than
> physical... it's extremely difficult to prove.
>
If you call child and family services they'll remove the kids first
and ask questions later.
> Look into what my rights as a father are (not many), and you will
> understand why I don't want to fight this battle in courts or the
> social worker offices. I asked for help or advice, not judgement or
> condemnation.
You're reading too much between the lines. If you allow your children
to be abused, you're a bad father, period. I know it's tough, I know
it's not an easy thing to do, but think of this: if your wife gets
mental enough and returns to Japan with the kids, not only will they
still be abused but they'll be abused in Japan, where the law will
probably never do anything about it and you DEFFINITELY have no
rights, both because you're a father and you're a gaijin. Double
whammy.
Save your kids and go someplace else with them. Then call a lawyer and
get a restraining order on your wife until she gets help. You can do
that, and it's not hard at all. But you have to try first.
John W.
X Japan
You make some very good points indeed.
> How long have you been in the States? From what you have said, it seems that
> she is heading for a culture-shock/new mother meltdown, and unfortunately
> the kids are going to suffer most.
We've been on/off (America-Japan-America-Japan, and back to America)
for the last few years. I can't figure out the culture shock excuse.
I don't have to embrace every cultural angle of Japan, but I don't
take it out on my kids or spouse either. Come to think of it, I
usually enjoy myself while I'm over there and enjoy spending time with
her family.
> > And yet she flatly refuses to stop slapping, saying
> > this is "Japanese Way".
>
> Yes and no. It would be very rare for the Japanese authorities to intervene
> unless it was a case of serious physical injury -- bruises don't count.
> Also, hitting/spanking is generally more accepted here.
Well put. And that's what I am up against.
> That said, this kind of thing seems out of hand. No matter what your views
> on spanking, a child under two should never be hit, except maybe the slap on
> the wrist when they are trying to stick a fork in the power outlet.
> Certainly not in anger, ever.
You said it, and I totally agree. My challenge is to get past the
cultural excuses she's making (as well as the cultural barriers I'm
facing, including indifference about the abuse from members of the
Japanese community, including her family), and get to her root
problems -- in spite of the fact that she refuses counselling or
anything like it.
Hibijibi
> Here's my situation:
> My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
> angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies.
Tough story. I am willing to bet dollars to donuts your wife is suffering
from a full-blown case of postpartum depression. Unless I'm reading too
much between the lines ;-) it would also appear your wife became pregnant a
second time only 3 months after giving birth the first time. That would do
it.
There is nothing to her justification that hitting babies is a Japanese
thing, of course. I agree with the others that have posted here that
protecting your children is the first priority, but you may find it easier
to approach the problem by having your wife treated for PPD. Below are
links to help you find more information about the disorder.
http://www.saferchild.org/postpart.htm
http://makeashorterlink.com/?S13D244A7
http://www.postpartum.net/
(with sister japanese website at:
http://www.hac.mie-u.ac.jp/PSI_Japan/top.asp )
Best of luck,
Hibijibi
cc
"X Japan" <japans...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>and you will
> understand why I don't want to fight this battle in courts or the
> social worker offices. I asked for help or advice, not judgement or
> condemnation.
No, your reaction to Mike's post show you are asking our approval. Did
she start acting weird last week or you have let months and months pass
without doing anything ?
I don't think it is that difficult to find someone to take care of the
children while you are working and the mother is not in state of doing it
properly. Tell the neighbours and relatives that the Mrs is sick of the
nerves, after all that's the case and they have probably already noticed.
You want advice, here it is : pick up the phone imediatly and find a safe
babysitting solution TODAY ! Call the city hall for adresses if you know
nobody. Don't go to work as long as you don't find. Then when you're sure
the children are not being tortured, you can come back to discuss quietly
on the computer.
> Look into what my rights as a father are (not many),
Rights ? Your are considering your little selfish interest while the babies
are crying out all the tears of their body ?
Your *duty* as a parent is to protect your kids from violence. I was going
to say "that's human", but the fact is even animals protect their little
ones.
If I were king Solomon, I'd conclude you're not the real father and take the
kids away from you.
> For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops,
>if only
> because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
> two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
> father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
> AND ME.
Probably the 3rd solution is the best. The children are still young, they'll
get a loving adoptive family and will forget most of the hell they have
lived
in your place. You and the other nutcase just need to sign the abandon form
and you're free. Use contraception next time.
CC
mtfe...@netmapsonscape.net
Much deletia.
> When I tell her to STOP hitting, slapping and screaming at our 2
> babies (one is 6 months, the other 18), she flatly refuses, saying
Sounds like you KNOW what to do; just gotta pull the trigger.
> Also, I would like to hear from some Japanese folks on this board. Is
> this REALLY the Japanese Way, or this a sad excuse from my wife in
> order to justify her atrocious temper?
The second.
Mike
mtfe...@netmapsonscape.net
> If she is slapping them around and you know about and leave them there
> to be slapped around, you may as well be the one doing the slapping
> yourself. It amounts to the same damned thing.
In fairness, no it doesn't. If it continues, that's another matter, but
the guy made a serious emotional investment in the mother, so it's
regrettable, but understandable, that he can't bring himself to face
reality immediately.
Mike
Ryan Ginstrom
>
> You make some very good points indeed.
>
> > How long have you been in the States? From what you have said, it seems
that
> > she is heading for a culture-shock/new mother meltdown, and
unfortunately
> > the kids are going to suffer most.
>
> We've been on/off (America-Japan-America-Japan, and back to America)
> for the last few years. I can't figure out the culture shock excuse.
> I don't have to embrace every cultural angle of Japan, but I don't
> take it out on my kids or spouse either. Come to think of it, I
> usually enjoy myself while I'm over there and enjoy spending time with
> her family.
On the other hand, you haven't been continually either pregnant or nursing
an infant for the past 2.5 years...
About 12-18 months is when most stay-at-home mothers are going to get a bit
psycho, living in a foreign land and having a 6 month-old underfoot is going
to make matters worse.
This "sitting around the house" business speaks of depression, the
aggression/jealousy/possessiveness speak of isolation, frustration and
insecurity.
Unlike some of the other posters, I think you should not get others involved
unless you really do intend to get divorced and get her deported (or have
her flee the country on you with the kids before that happens). And weigh
that damage against what they are suffering now.
I really think you need to just kind of take over the raising of your kids
for a bit. Give her a break, and get your kids out of harm's way. Then get
your wife's mother/aunt/etc. over there with you. Let her get away from
everything, including you, then spend some time with her.
I think that the chances of getting her into psychotherapy are pretty slim.
> You said it, and I totally agree. My challenge is to get past the
> cultural excuses she's making (as well as the cultural barriers I'm
> facing, including indifference about the abuse from members of the
> Japanese community, including her family),
Cultural barriers is another way of saying you don't know where she is
coming from. Now might not be the best time, but spending some time to learn
about where she is coming from will help immensely in the long run, IMO.
Also, trying to get her family against her is a losing proposition. I would
not be at all surprised if you were setting yourself up as the uncaring
monster with her family.
--
Regards,
Ryan Ginstrom
noda yoshikazu
> this REALLY the Japanese Way, or this a sad excuse from my wife in
> order to justify her atrocious temper?
>
I am married but have no children. I don't think it is the japanese
way to raise children. No no no. However, I hear the kind of situation
you are in abounds in modern japan. Not only the child abuse but
domestic violence from wife to husband. Children are killed by their
parent like every day. Our society is in very chaotic state with moral
crisis.
I think your wife will get better somehow if she can find a good
non-japanaese friend who can teach/help her somehow how to raise kids.
Japanese people will only give stress to each other. I hardly talk
with japanese people myself but non-japanse friends of mine in order
to keep my sanity level high enough for that matter.
The essay "Stressfull Mothor" on following site is a very good read as
it depicts the problem on rasing children in broad perspective. All
the other essays are also about raising kids. Very enlightening. It is
in japanese.
http://www.naruto-u.ac.jp/~nakatuka/lib.contens.html
yoshi
Michael Cash
down from the Mount tablets inscribed:
>Michael,
>
>You are way out of your league in your response, pal.
If you don't want my frank opinion, you would do well not to ask for
it then.
>Step into my shoes for ONE MINUTE..
Don't assume that I haven't already been in them. I have also known
the joy of living in America with a Japanese wife who was going nutso
on me. Seriously.
>Things are not as easy as you make them seem.
They never are.
>
>For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops, if only
>because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
>two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
>father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
>AND ME. I am trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the
>children.
I fail to see how leaving them in the custody of a person you know is
being physically abusive to them is acting in their best interest. Are
you aware of Japanese attitudes toward parents killing their own
children? Ask around about 柍�?S拞 (muri-shinjuu).
>
>By the way, she has threatened to return to Japan with my kids and not
>give me visitation rights... this is the kind of sh#t I deal with
>every damn day.
I walked in those shoes, brother. Minus the threat about visitation
rights, though. In my case, I was working as an over-the-road truck
driver in the US while my wife, like yours, sat at home by herself all
the time and made no effort to involve herself in anything outside the
home. She went off her rocker quite badly, coming to believe that my
parents and I were cooking up a scheme to steal the children away from
her and get rid of her. Her own grandparents played no real role in
her own childhood and she couldn't wrap her mind around the idea of my
parents wishing to be involved in their grandchildren's lives.
Every time I went out on the road, I didn't know if my wife and kids
were still going to be there when I came home again or not. She
reached a level of depression/despondency that I did seriously worry
about her killing herself and taking the kids with her (not an
uncommon news item in Japan, by the way). That I would come home and
find the place deserted was a more real concern, though.
Before leaving on one particular trip, I asked her if she and the kids
would still be there when I got back. The answer? "Yes, because I
don't know how to get to the airport."
Seeing that she was never going to adapt to living in the US, or even
make any real attempt to, I packed us all up and we moved back to
Japan for good. We had also done the Japan - US - Japan - US thing you
have done.
>
>I have informed my wife's parents and sisters back in Japan about the
>child abuse situation -- they continue to sit on that information and
>mull over it.
You've already figured this part out then. You can't expect any
help/intervention from them.
>
>As for her not getting adjusted to life in the US, that is just BS. In
>fact, WE MET HERE IN THE US! She wants to be here.
That hardly jibes with her statements about taking the kids back to
Japan and cutting you out of the picture, does it?
>
> > This has jackshit to do with the cultural differences of the
>parents.
>> This is child abuse, plain and simple. You need to remove either the
>> kids or the abusive parent from the equation until the urge to abuse
>> has been removed from the abusive parent.
>
>You'd better believe it has to do with cultural differences, my
>friend. I have informed her parents, I have informed the local
>Japanese social services group, and all are IGNORING the problem as if
>it were no big deal.
That's what Japanese social services do...until a coronor's services
are needed. Biggest head-in-the-sand crowd that ever (dis)graced the
planet.
>
>So my last resort is the cops, but that is a drastic step.
Is it just that she likes beating the kids for the sake of beating the
kids? Or that they are an easy outlet for misplaced frustrations? I
suspect the latter. The kid beating, while a very serious problem of
itself, is very likely just a symptom, with the real source of the
problem lying elsewhere.
>
>Remember: I am a father. There are NO RESOURCES FOR FATHERS in the
>situation of having a female spouse doing the child abuse. NONE. NADA.
>The system is set up against the dads.
>
>> Have you just "threatened" to call the cops? Or have you had her led
>> away in handcuffs and booked? Big difference. An oft-repeated but
>> never enacted threat is worse than useless.
>
>How do I get her led off in cuffs if the slapping shows no marks or
>bruises? Ditto for screaming. The abuse is more psychological than
>physical... it's extremely difficult to prove.
You don't have to prove anything in order to swear out a criminal
complaint. That comes later on in the process,
>
>> Ideally, of course, you should get her some psychiatric help, but I
>> have doubts that she would go for it
>
>She won't.
Then Ryan's advice sounds like your best short-term approach. Defuse
the situation by getting somebody to watch the kids for a while while
the two of you have a heart-to-heart and try like mad to get to what
the real source of the problem is.
>
>>or that it would do any good. It
>> sounds to me like you have on your hands a Japanese woman who is
>> steadily going psycho from not adapting to life outside Japan very
>> well.
>
>Not true. We life in a large metro area with a large Japanese
>immigrant population, and many Japan-centric services. She has
>Japanese friends and acquaintances here. This was also a problem when
>we lived there (in Japan).
The child beating or the isolating herself at home?
>
>> The only details I would like are your name and address so I know
>> where to send the child welfare people and the cops.
>
>Look into what my rights as a father are (not many), and you will
>understand why I don't want to fight this battle in courts or the
>social worker offices. I asked for help or advice, not judgement or
>condemnation.
When you tell me that your kids are being physically abused and you go
off every day leaving them in the custody of the abuser, then you can
expect a healthy dose of judgment and condemnation together with the
help and advice.
Steve Sundberg
>Here's my situation:
>
>My wife, who is Japanese (I am American) is a possessive, jealous,
>angry women who hits and screams at our 2 babies. She doesn't work,
>doesn't do housework, and mostly sits around all day screaming at the
>kids and watching TV. (By the way, we are now in the U.S.).
>
>When I tell her to STOP hitting, slapping and screaming at our 2
>babies (one is 6 months, the other 18), she flatly refuses, saying
>that is "Japanese Way". I am ready to call the cops, the situation has
>become so bad. And yet she flatly refuses to stop slapping, saying
>this is "Japanese Way".
Sorry, it's not the "Japanese way" -- at least from my perspective of
having lived in Tokyo for seven years and having a Japanese
sister-in-law with three children. Never once in my years in Japan did
I ever see a Japanese mother even raise a hand against her child.
mr.sumo.snr
news:c2h0sh$1si7c0$1...@ID-101276.news.uni-berlin.de...
>
>
> Unlike some of the other posters, I think you should not get others
involved
> unless you really do intend to get divorced and get her deported (or have
> her flee the country on you with the kids before that happens). And weigh
> that damage against what they are suffering now.
>
You mentioned about her threatening to return to Japan and not granting you
visitation rights. This is very likely and has been discussed in depth on
another thread recently - but basically you have zero rights as a gaijin
father of Japanese children.
Where were your children born - where are their births registered? If they
have Japanese passports I'd be hiding them somewhere - like a safe deposit
box. If they're American citizens then I assume if your wife took the
children to Japan then that would be kidnapping. But whatever - I'd be very
careful about the fleeing threat.
Also sounds like your wife needs some non-Japanese friends. Preferably ones
that won't feel morally obliged to report any incident of child abuse to the
local authorities - but instead will take your wife to one side and tell her
that such behavior is "NOT the American way". Hell - it's not as if issues
like this are shut away and never talked about in the States. Television
talk shows, crime dramas, and even situation comedies cover the issue of
child abuse. The local Japanese support network may be more of a hindrance
that assistance as long as your wife continues to be 'Japanese' in America.
Good luck anyway.
Sounds like you're a far more loving parent than the one in this recent
story - why not ask your wife if this is the "Japanese Way":
Osaka woman hid starved boy from grandparents
Yomiuri Shimbun (March 8, 2004)
An Osaka woman charged with conspiring to starve her 12-year-old son to
death prevented his grandparents from seeing him for about two years while
she abused him, The Yomiuri Shimbun learned Saturday.
Chie Osako, 36, from Sumiyoshi Ward, Osaka, was quoted by police as saying
during interrogation: "I thought that if I allowed my parents to see my son,
they would want to take him to a hospital. So I didn't permit him to go
outside our apartment."
With the aid of a friend, Michiko Kawaguchi, Osako allegedly locked her son
Yuki in a room in her apartment between January 2001 and August 2002 and did
not give him enough food. As a result, Yuki died of acute pulmonary edema
caused by malnutrition.
According to police, from August 2000 Yuki often visited his grandparents
without permission from Kawaguchi, who lived in Osako's neighborhood and had
been taking care of the boy since 1997. Osako told him to stop the visits,
but he refused to comply, leading her to padlock the apartment door to
prevent her son from leaving the house
--
jonathan
father of mr.sumo.jnr just turned one and just about turning the house
upside down every day!
Matthew Endo
> You mentioned about her threatening to return to Japan and not granting you
> visitation rights. This is very likely and has been discussed in depth on
> another thread recently - but basically you have zero rights as a gaijin
> father of Japanese children.
Rights? None that are enforced, which is the same.
> Where were your children born - where are their births registered? If they
> have Japanese passports I'd be hiding them somewhere - like a safe deposit
> box. If they're American citizens then I assume if your wife took the
> children to Japan then that would be kidnapping. But whatever - I'd be very
> careful about the fleeing threat.
To the original poster:
You need to be careful about this, and the first thing would be to keep
your childrens passports safe, in a safe deposit box where it is clearly
understood by the bank that you and only you have access. This may be
important in a community property state. Your wife won't be able to
take the children out of the country via airplane without passports
unless she goes to someplace like Mexico which only requires birth
certificates. Of course, she could drive to Canada or Mexico without
needing passports.
Please take a look at the following link, it has a lot of useful
information:
http://travel.state.gov/int'lchildabduction.html
Best of luck, and let us know how it turns out. I recommend getting
help from family services, it sounds like things have already gone too
far.
--
Matt
ma...@gol.com