Executive Summary of BAD (spoiler city)
had_ley_at_hotmail_dot_com
book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
BEGIN SUMMARY
************
Jack Ryan, newly elected in his own right as President, smiled in
satisfaction. The economy was strong, the world was at peace, crime
was down, and SAT scores were averaging 1400. Of course, Jack knew
that he couldn't take credit for any of that, because it was entirely
due to the efforts of the Federal Reserve. Yup, you'd have to be a
fucking moron to think that administration policies had anything to do
with how well things were going. But at least Jack could take pride
in the fact that he hadn't screwed a single intern, unlike a certain
other president he could mention.
Dr. Ben Goodley walked into the Oval Office to deliver his morning
briefing.
"Hi, Ben. Did you know that Chairman Mao fucked 12-year-old virgins?"
"I believe you mentioned that before, yes, Sir."
"You motherfucking cocksucker, call me Jack!" the president yelled, as
his face turned beet red.
"Sorry Jack. Item one, Russia."
In Russia, the police and KGB had no witnesses and no clues about who
had used an RPG to blow up a car in front of KGB headquarters during
rush hour. Fortunately, they were provided with complete descriptions
of the men by a snitch named Pavel Petrovich, not to be confused with
the man who discovered the biggest gold field in history, a crazed
Siberian hermit named Pavel Petrovich.
"Honey-Bunny was able to get these pictures of the prostitute after
the RPG blew her to smithereens," Ben concluded.
Whoa, thought Jack, it looked like somebody had stuffed her into a
blender and hit the FRAPPE button. Anyone who thought prostitution
was a victimless crime should take a look at these pictures. He
wondered how Honey-Bunny had gotten them. On further reflection, he
didn't want to know how. In a certain unnamed previous
administration, security hadn't been taken seriously, and as a result,
several blowjobs had occurred. His eyes involuntarily wandered down
to the carpet. It had been replaced, but the stains on the dignity of
the office weren't so easily removed. "Not on my watch," he silently
vowed.
*******
On the other side of the world, Chet Nomuri was sitting down to dinner
with Ming, the attractive secretary to Minister Fang. This was his
first time in Beijing, and he knew very little about it. Although
American furniture had made him much taller than the average Chinese,
and his clothes, haircut, and face loudly proclaimed that he was a
foreigner, he made up for that by not reading or speaking the language
very well. As a result, he was the best, in fact the only, agent that
any foreign country had in China.
The sound of a siren made him look up. Outside the restaurant, a fire
truck came to a screeching halt in the middle of the street, and its
crew rapidly jumped off and changed places with one another. Yes, a
strange and mysterious country, Nomuri thought, as the truck sped off
into the distance.
But China was only a gilded facade, hiding a rotten interior. The
government had squandered nearly all its money on weapons, and was
seriously short of funds. Already, in an effort to conserve
apostrophes, an edict had been issued which prohibited the use of
contractions.
"Is not the food pleasing to you?" Ming asked, noticing that Nomuri
was just toying with his food.
"It is fine, Comrade Ming, but I am not hungry tonight." Then he
remembered his lessons from the Jethro Bodeen school for double-naught
spies. "At least, not for food." He leered suggestively and wiggled
his eyebrows, then smoothed them with his tongue.
Ming blushed prettily. "Maybe you like some nice Chinese crabcake,
big boy." She smacked her lips, and gently frigged herself with her
chopsticks.
Damn, these Chinese women were so inscrutable, Nomuri thought. He
wished he had paid more attention in the Body Language class at
Langley. But maybe if he played his cards right, he could walk her
home tonight. He would have to contact Mary Pat for further
instructions.
*************
George Winston, SecTreas, approached Ryan's desk.
"Hi George. Did you know Mao screwed little girls?"
"Fuckashitpiss. Those gook bastards can take their slant-eyed whores
and kiss their yellow asses, for all I fucking care."
Ryan admired TRADER's plain speaking. "We need a read on the Chinese
economy, George."
"They're flat busted."
"Not according to some pictures I saw on the internet last night."
"I mean they're broke. They've run out of money, Mr. President."
"You goddam faggot, call me Jack!" the president screamed, as flecks
of spittle arced from his lips.
********************
The food here wasn't as good as in the Chinese restaurants back home,
Nomuri thought --- probably because of the ingredients. His keen
analysis was proven correct when Cardinal DiMilo repeated those exact
words 120 pages later. But that didn't excuse the fact that female
toddlers were tossed into wells to comply with China's "one child per
family" policy. His keen analysis was proven correct when Minister
Fang repeated those exact words 50 pages later.
The wholesale murder of female babies had resulted in a huge shortage
of women, which is why Ming, the intelligent, educated, and attractive
executive secretary he had met yesterday, hadn't had a date in months,
and was as horny as Madonna at a Lakers game. He had sent the details
of yesterday's dinner with Ming to Honey-Bunny, and received the
cryptic reply, "Let the relationship blossom, and then ease her into
talking about her job. It will take some time, but go slow."
Later that evening, after screwing Ming, Chet whispered sweetly into
her ear, "Tell me about your boss, the Politburo member." He lit a
cigarette and offered her one. This sure beat his previous assignment
in Japan, where he had to seduce a sumo wrestler. That guy had been
so big, that after sex, he smoked a ham.
"Okay," Ming said, "I tell you ever-ting. He look ... like a man."
"Bingo!" Chet thought. That confirmed the description that Langley
had faxed him yesterday.
"I don't suppose you have any top secret documents on your 'puter, do
you?"
"Oh no," she giggled. Her brow furrowed in thought. "Well, there are
those complete transcripts of every secret Politburo meeting for the
last five years." Then she brightened. "But nobody could ever get
them, because they are encrypted. And my password is 'Yellow
Submarine.'"
Nomuri felt that he was missing something important. There ought to
be a way to make use of this information. But how?
****************
Vice President Robert Jefferson Jackson walked into the Oval Office.
"Hey Robbie, how's tricks?"
"Just fine, sir."
"You spear-chucking asshole, call me Jack!" the president raged, as
several blood vessels in his eyeballs burst.
"Sorry, Jack, I guess my mind's on something else." The two men
exchanged a knowing look. Jackson's family had a long tradition of
uniformed service to the US government, but sometimes they paid a high
price. His nephew, Tylenol Lincoln Madison McKinley, was a postal
worker in Baltimore. Last month, he had gotten drunk and bet five
bucks that Tiger Woods would make a bogey sometime in the next twenty
years. He didn't realize what he had done until after he sobered up,
and then in rage and despair he had taken a machine gun to work, and
shot 19 people. Anyone who thought that gambling was a victimless
crime should see those bodies, Jackson thought grimly. Blood
everywhere, enough DNA to choke a cow ... His eyes involuntarily
wandered up to the ceiling. It had been repainted after a certain
unnamed president had left office, but some stains weren't so easily
covered.
"Robbie, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. We know from
page 213 that the Chinese and the UAR were plotting the events in EO
just last March. It's only late fall now, so neither you nor any of
the newly elected Congress should be in office yet, and the Capitol
should still be a shambles. But you're all sworn in, the Capitol dome
has been replaced, and Congress is in session inside. How did all
that happen?"
"We brought in that guy from TRW to work on the calendar software over
at the Naval Observatory. Sped things up 4000%."
"Why isn't he working for me?"
"He was, but he resigned. Something about getting sick of hearing
about Mao fucking virgins all the time."
That reminded Jack that he still hadn't been able to talk to the
Chinese Premier. He had tried to call him several times, but there
were so many Wangs and Wongs, he always wang the wong number. At the
meeting to discuss the problem were his Attorney General; the FBI
Agent who had saved his daughter from terrorists; the DDCIA; and John
Clark's daughter.
"I say we tell those yellow bastards to use more variety in their
names," Jack said. "I want opinions. Pat?"
"You say so," said Pat Martin.
"Pat?"
"Sure, Wilbur," said Pat O'Day.
"Mary Pat?"
"Oh yes, snookum wookums" said Mary Pat Foley.
"Patsy?"
"You say so, Wilbur," said Patsy Clark-Chavez.
"Then we're agreed," said John Patrick Ryan. "By the way, did you
know that Mao screwed little girls?"
His thoughts wandered involuntarily to the trapeze in the adjoining
corridor. It had been hosed off, but the memory of the pasty white
thighs of a certain unnamed former President still made Cathy
squeamish about using it.
END OF SUMMARY
***************
Actually, the last half of the book is pretty good --- if not up to
the usual Ryanverse standard, at least it's MUCH better than R6. Hope
this helps.
23m...@my-deja.com
I don't mean to encourage plagiarism in any form, but :
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I'm reading this at work and I had to stop because I was laughing so
hard that I was going to get in trouble. This is truly funny.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Steve Bartman
>I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
>book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
>doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
>present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
>
>
>BEGIN SUMMARY
>************
This was one of the funniest things I've read on Usenet in years.
Bravo!
Steve
Wishing he had a Yellow Submarine
Declan Fahey
Please continue and complete the summary.
Jeff Jacoby
> book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
>
>
> BEGIN SUMMARY
> ************
[snip]
Kudos to you, had_ley!!
Jeff
Now, would you be so nice as to pay for a replacement
keyboard?? Mine's all full of coffee.
Phil H. Alvarez
<sbar...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>On Tue, 19 Sep 2000 05:26:14 -0700, had_ley at hotmail dot com wrote:
>
>>I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
>>book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
>>doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
>>present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
>>
>>
>>BEGIN SUMMARY
>>************
>
>This was one of the funniest things I've read on Usenet in years.
>Bravo!
Definately good stuff. Leslie Neilson for the movie?
---------------------------------------------
You will never have seen a more wretched
hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious
Phil H. Alvarez
---------------------------------------------
Michael Adams
<had_ley at hotmail dot com> wrote in message
news:lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com...
Chris Vail
had_ley at hotmail dot com wrote:
> I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
> book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
>
I found it boorish. If I want juvenile, potty humor I'll read Playboy,
Penthouse, or some other trash.
The racy parts of tBatD I skipped over and didn't miss much, methinks.
I had a higher opinion of TC's work until I read that.
Chris (humorless today, methinks) Vail
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Quentin Stephens
<lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com>:
>I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
>book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
>doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
>present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
Brilliant!
Now get cracking on the next 300! <g>
Jeff Jacoby
> In article <lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com>,
> had_ley at hotmail dot com wrote:
> > I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
> > book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> > doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> > present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
> >
>
> I found it boorish. If I want juvenile, potty humor I'll read Playboy,
> Penthouse, or some other trash.
It was hardly "potty humor." It was a good parody of exactly
the things many people have found fault with in BaD, i.e repeated
phrases, needless sex, etc.
> The racy parts of tBatD I skipped over and didn't miss much, methinks.
> I had a higher opinion of TC's work until I read that.
So blame TC, rather than had_ley, for something that was
so easy to parody.
> Chris (humorless today, methinks) Vail
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yeah, I'll agree with that.
Jeff
--
The countdown continues, only 1 more day till PE-day!
(but we're so nice we'll let you use it now)
gws
news:np0fsso11db71h66l...@4ax.com...
> On Tue, 19 Sep 2000 05:26:14 -0700, had_ley at hotmail dot com wrote:
>
> >I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
> >book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> >doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> >present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
> >
> >
> >BEGIN SUMMARY
> >************
>
> Bravo!
>
> Wishing he had a Yellow Submarine
I did not read the summary of tBatD to which Steve alluded until he said he
thought it was funny. I agree, it was very funny. Nevertheless, it left me
with the faintest sense of guilt that I liked the real tBatD as much as I
did.
Grey Satterfield
Paul J. Adam
hotmail dot com <?@?.?> writes
>That reminded Jack that he still hadn't been able to talk to the
>Chinese Premier. He had tried to call him several times, but there
>were so many Wangs and Wongs, he always wang the wong number.
Aha! A Roald Dahl fan!
(Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, IIRC)
>Actually, the last half of the book is pretty good --- if not up to
>the usual Ryanverse standard, at least it's MUCH better than R6. Hope
>this helps.
Haven't read it and don't feel it's been too badly spoiled yet. But
that's *good* parody!
Mind you, I still think "Bored of the Rings" was hilarious, and I was
such a Tolkein junkie that I read Unfinished Tales, the Silmarillion and
Lost Tales too...
--
There are four kinds of homicide: praiseworthy, justifiable, excusable and
felonious...
Paul J. Adam ne...@jrwlynch.demon.co.uk
Gml...@scvnet.com
23m...@my-deja.com wrote:
<snipped quote of entire bloody document!>
> I don't mean to encourage plagiarism in any form, but :
It's not plagiarism. It's satire. Perfectly legal.
The writer needs to get a job with Mad Magazine! Great stuff
George Lyle
Gml...@scvnet.com
Chris Vail wrote:
>
> In article <lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com>,
> had_ley at hotmail dot com wrote:
> > I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
> > book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> > doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> > present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
> >
> (snip)
>
> I found it boorish. If I want juvenile, potty humor I'll read Playboy,
> Penthouse, or some other trash.
Satire _is_ rather boorish. It has to be to poke fun at the faults of
the original author's work. In this case, it talks about the repeated
references to Mao's and Clinton's sexual proclivities, etc.
> The racy parts of tBatD I skipped over and didn't miss much, methinks.
> I had a higher opinion of TC's work until I read that.
Well, if you skipped the naughty bits, the parody probably didn't mean
much to you. Familiarity with the original is what makes it so funny!
George
n...@spam.com
<ne...@jrwlynch.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>In article <lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com>, had_ley at
>hotmail dot com <?@?.?> writes
>>That reminded Jack that he still hadn't been able to talk to the
>>Chinese Premier. He had tried to call him several times, but there
>>were so many Wangs and Wongs, he always wang the wong number.
>
>Aha! A Roald Dahl fan!
>
>(Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, IIRC)
Lots of classical allusions in this. I also noted references to The
Beverly Hillbillies, Mad TV, and Terry Southern's "Candy". I'm sure
there were others I missed. I'm also a little embarrassed that as
much as I've criticized the book, I didn't notice a lot of the
duplication that Had_ley caught, like the two Pavel Petrovich's, and
the identical descriptions of Chinese food by Nomuri and DiMilo.
All in all, a pretty good send-up.
n...@spam.com
wrote:
>I found it boorish. If I want juvenile, potty humor I'll read Playboy,
>Penthouse, or some other trash.
Garbage in, garbage out. Even though the first rule of parody is
exaggeration, I'm willing to bet that there are fewer references to
Mao and Monica in the parody than in the book. And way less
gratuitous profanity.
badg...@tcac.net
choked.
Steve Bartman
>The funniest parody since "Bored of the Rings" I laughed until I
>choked.
Cue Eddie Izzard:
"I shall invent . . . a Man-oooooo-vuh!"
"Yes, Herr Docktor Heimlich."
Steve
J.S.
J.S.
<had_ley at hotmail dot com> wrote in message
news:lvlessgb3hi3kvq5r...@4ax.com...
> I just finished BAD, like many others, feel that the first part of the
> book was needlessly long and repetitious. Unlike others, though, I am
> doing something about it. To save other readers time and energy, I
> present this executive summary of the first 300 or so pages of BAD.
>
>
> BEGIN SUMMARY
snipped rest
wal...@midwest.net
pointing out the major distractions of the book that made it an 'o.k.'
book instead of the 'great' book that it would have been with better
editing. Your approach was far superior to just a straight rant &
criticizm. The blatant repetiton & really excessive foul language
should never-ever have made it past an editor. Thanks.