Ezio Greggio, Italy's national treasure.
James Kibo Parry
You may recall that a few years ago I wrote you about your parody
movie, "Silence Of The Hams". I said how clever you were at changing
"Lambs" to "Hams", which is similar but different, and I said you were
really clever because you changed Jodie Foster's character to you as
"Jo Dee Fostar", which is oh-so-funny because you changed as little as
possible, and to make sure we got the joke your costume was a T-shirt
with "JO DEE FOSTAR" printed on it, and you wore it during the entire
movie to ensure we had time to appreciate it.
Well, I regret to inform you that I just saw a movie less than a
millionth as funny as "Silence Of The Hams", and I further regret to
inform you that it was all your fault. "2001: A Space Travesty"
had its American premiere in 2002 on our "Comedy Central" TV channel.
Yours was not the only name in the credits -- Leslie Nielsen got a
prominent credit for appearing in several scenes which were spliced
into the rest of the film to slow it down further, and the financial
wizards who helped you get film subsidies from several careless
governments were also listed. But "2001: A Space Travesty", with you
as one of the producers and one of the stars, bore the unmistakable
stench of your talent, wit, and style in every frame of every shot
of every scene.
It was the most painful "comedy" I've ever seen. And I've seen "Burn
Hollywood Burn An Alan Smithee Film". It may even have been the worst
"movie" of any kind that I've seen, and I've seen that Fu Manchu movie
where the lab accidentally overexposed a can of footage and the movie was
released with about twenty minutes of solid black. I've sat through
"Outta Control" (filmed in Saugus, Massachusetts from a moving car) --
twice. I've seen "Corey Haim: Me, Myself And I". "2001: A Space Travesty"
made "Corey Haim: Me, Myself And I" seem like "2001: A Space Odyssey".
"Battlefield Earth" was funnier, both unintentionally AND intentionally.
Heck, even "A Clockwork Orange" was an uplifting wacky funfest compared
to your film, which not only sucked all the joy out of the room, but
crushed my spirit forever. I am forever incapable of again enjoying
any movies, even though any movie would be more enjoyable than yours.
Yes, really. "2001: A Space Travesty" is A BILLION TIMES WORSE than
"Baby Geniuses". Even the parts where Leslie Nielsen (filmed in Canada)
sees you (filmed in Germany) getting covered with shit when a fat guy
shits on you, which covers you with shit, which comes out of a fat guy,
and then someone explains that you got covered with shit because someone
shit on you.
After the first few scenes, I wanted to see someone shitting all over you.
However, when the shit scene finally came, it was about five minutes long,
and that was too much shit even in such a justifiable case, so I will have
to say that there was nothing entertaining about this movie in any way,
shape, or feces.
You are less funny than Steve Oedekerk has ever been. You are less
funny than the late Jack Webb is being right now. You are less funny
than Ralph Nader, even if you were wearing the funniest clothes ever
and he was naked. You suck. You suck in a way which makes it
impossible to ever say that anyone else sucks. If I were to tell
Johnny "Bowtie" Barstow he sucked, he could answer, "No, I don't suck
like Ezio Greggio sucks," and that would be a valid defense in any court
of suckiness. You deserve to go to Sucky Jail forever. Someone should
invent a time machine so that they could travel back in time and
prevent you from ever being born, and then afterwards stick you in the
Sucky Jail even though you don't exist. You suck so bad that even if
you didn't exist you would still suck more than anyone who exists.
You suck more than anyone who exists, has existed, will ever exist,
could ever exist, or couldn't ever exist. You ARE suck.
I demand my money back except for the part that paid for the scene
where you got covered in shit. I demand that Roberto Benigni punch
you in the face. I demand that Shakespeare write a play where you
get stabbed more times than all the Caesars combined. I demand
that Italy change its name to "The Country Where Ezio Greggio Lived
Before He Got Punched And Stabbed."
"2001: A Space Travesty" is less funny than that channel that shows
eye surgery. Given a choice between sitting through your movie again
or eye surgery, I'd say "POKE 'EM RIGHT OUT, DOC!"
This movie made me want to go around cutting people up with razor
blades just so I could tell them "Hey, at least I'm not forcing you to
watch Ezio Greggio films," and they'd say "THANK YOU, KIBO! YOU ARE
TRULY THE GREATEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED!"
Of course, it's possible that Comedy Central edited all the hilariousness
out of your movie and replaced it with evil anti-comedy, but the only
reason they'd have for doing so would be if they were run by the
biggest jerk on the planet. Hence I request you tell me whether
you run Comedy Central, so that I can understand whether you made
the worst possible comedy film while you were actually filming it,
or when you decided to adapt it for TV. Given that Comedy Central
left in the shit scene, they probably didn't edit your film very much,
so I assume that they're blameless and that your film was rotten
on its own merits.
Also, of the 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, about 5,900,000,000
look more like Bill Clinton than the Bill Clinton "look-a-like" who
had more lines than Leslie Nielsen. He looked sort of like Will Ferrell
playing Anson Williams, or possibly Michael O'Hare as J. Peterman.
And I hope you asked for your money back when the "talent" agency
mis-labelled that Roseanne look-a-like as Hillary Clinton. I understand
that as an overseas resident, you don't know what our leaders would look
like in the futuristic year of 2001, even though it had already happened,
and suggest that next time you make a movie in which people who look like
other people watch you getting shitted on, you might try to put as much
effort into the casting as you did into the shitting.
You deserve shame for reducing Leslie Nielsen to a bored old man being
spliced into stuff that wasn't even good enough to be placed before or
after (but on another continent from) Leslie Nielsen. Your movie was
an awkward mixture of splices and reaction shots. Reaction shots to
splices. I particularly liked the scene near the end where the orchestra
conductor was in both the shot and the reaction shot, facing in two
directions at the same time. I wished I could flee this movie in
two directions at the same time, but alas I don't have your magical
powers over time and space and bad editing.
And, if people don't mind me revealing the ending of your movie, after
the final scene (which consisted of Leslie Nielsen and a woman hugging
to the tune of the "Love Story" music, just like the ending of the
"Airplane" movies you were ineptly imitating) there were allegedly funny
credits, which were different from the funny "Airplane" credits in that
instead of actual attempts at humor during the credits you simply put
in sentences about how funny the credits were (the screen actually SAID
in large letters that these are "wacky credits") and then after the
credits ended, I breathed a sigh of relief that the torture might be
finally over, and then the screen told me that now Ezio Greggio would make
different kinds of fart noises, so for several minutes I heard you doing
your impressions of a man farting, a woman farting, a child farting,
a talentless Italian comedian farting, and so on, but fortunately there
was no science fiction anywhere in "2001: A Space Travesty" so at least
there were no astronaut farts.
Incidentally, about the only compliment I can give your movie is that,
despite what people might think after my description of the ending,
your movie did NOT go downhill after it started. The opening scene
contained a picture of a dwarf (who stood there, being short), a man's
buttocks, and a constellation shaped like a penis. I think your point
was that you could connect some dots to make anything you could think of,
and if the funniest thing you could think of was to look at a drawing of
a penis, I suggest you donate your brain to science for further study.
Please immediately remove your brain and give it to the JuiceMan for
scientific processing involving a high-pressure juicer. Hey, if your
movie was a sci-fi comedy, JuiceMan is a scientist.
You could have made the penis picture twice as funny if it had been a
dwarf's penis. Better yet, a dwarf chimp's penis. You know, like yours.
All nations that participated in the making of your movie -- Germany,
Quebec, England, Japan, Italy, and yes, one scene was filmed in the
United States -- should be nuked out of existence. The Taliban, being
anti-movie, were the only regime on Earth that are guaranteed to have
had no involvement in your movie, and so your movie made me want to
join the Taliban and blow up Germany, Quebec, England, Japan, Italy,
the United States, and your childhood home on the 666th level of Hell.
All copies of "2001: The Space Travesty" should be placed in a
hermetically-sealed Kryptonite-walled vault directly beneath a
ten-thousand-mile-tall glowing pyramid with a sign in every possible
language warning space aliens not to watch the tape if they find
it ten million years in the future after the human race has committed
suicide over the shame of having allowed you to make this movie.
And, Ezio, when I said "space aliens", that meant people from outer
space. Sort of like the people in silly masks in your alleged sci-fi
comedy, except space aliens might actually do stuff other than
shitting on you. If you ever meet any real space aliens, please ask
them to do some stuff after they shit all over you again.
-- K.
P.S. Your movie was bad.
Ben Allard
news:kibo-17020...@ppp0b157.std.com:
> court of suckiness. You deserve to go to Sucky Jail forever. Someone
^^^^^^^^^^
AKA "Federal prison" HTH!
--ben
E Teflon Piano
<ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
}Dear Ezio Greggio,
}
[...]
} P.S. Your movie was bad.
Kibo has one of those TVs from 20 Minutes into the Future with no "Off"
switch. Kibo, do what Edison does, throw a towel over it.
--
Institute for Misapplied Psychometry fellow E Teflon Piano is founder of the
Internet 'Lectronic Legal Society. Teflon is a mark owned by duPont. E is E
poly(TFE) Piano Enterprises' [dibs] for ironic hyperbole and elitist satire.
ŠE[dibs] 1994-2002
James Kibo Parry
>
> Kibo has one of those TVs from 20 Minutes into the Future with no "Off"
> switch. Kibo, do what Edison does, throw a towel over it.
But it would have been rude for me to turn off Matt McIrvin's TV set.
-- K.
And besides, those of us
with a social conscience
*have* to watch the worst
movies because otherwise
they'd stop making them
and without bad movies
we wouldn't be able to
appreciate the good ones.
In fact, watching one as
bad as an Ezio Greggio
movie makes one actually
appreciate the mediocre
movies. It made me accept
that although "Titanic"
and "Gladiator" were
slow-moving, self-important
potboilers, at least they
didn't make me want to rip
Ezio Greggio's nuts off
through his ear.
Lee Merkel
Hey, just by nonchance or Jungian asynchronicity I started watching "2001 a
Space Traveshitty" and my eyes immediately reacted to it BEFORE MY BRAIN
EVEN GOT THE MESSAGE. My optic nerve on its own made my finger hit the
remote button to change the channel.
So I suffered no brain damage whatever from watching the film, and I never
even knew Leslie Nielsen was spliced into it. If I had, I probably would
have thought it was a sequel to "Forbidden Planet," the film most of today's
moviegoers associate with Leslie Nielson as his funniest role. Few people
know this, but he also played the invisible monster, as Walt Disney studios,
which got the credit for the monster, had not been invented yet in 1956.
-- Lee Merkel
Back again after a cryogenic sleep during my voyage to Planet X, which
is still outside Pluto's orbit but will soon swish by, just as it did when
the ancient Seminarians called it Marduk or Niburu.
Pugg
say:
[a lot of stuff about a movie that he didn't quite care for]
Dear Kibo,
Thank you for finally putting into words more or less how I felt about
"The Sheltering Sky," the only movie to date to make me violently,
physically, angry. By the end of the film I was wishing that I could
have died 20 minutes in, just like John Malkovitch.
Oh...SPOILER ALERT.
pugg
--
Your search - "happy yellow bear of wheel alignment"
- did not match any documents.
Bryce Utting
> Dear Kibo,
>
> Thank you for finally putting into words more or less how I felt about
> "The Sheltering Sky," the only movie to date to make me violently,
> physically, angry. By the end of the film I was wishing that I could
> have died 20 minutes in, just like John Malkovitch.
ah, it's better than the book, then?
> Oh...SPOILER ALERT.
oops.
butting
Pugg
Yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Y'see, not only was I forced to watch this execrable "film" but,
because it was for an English Lit. class, I was expected to read the
book, as well.
I didn't get to the scene in the book where John Malkovitch dies, so I
guess the movie was better. By about six pages, more or less.
tidal goose
That's "federal, pound-me-in-the-ass prison."
rone
--
The Thunderthief, he puts us under. | John Paul Jones' new album,
While we sleep he steals our thunder. | _The Thunderthief_
All our thunder in a lump |
he sucks into his thunderpump. | www.johnpauljones.com