[I] Review - Icebones (Mammoth #3)
Gideon Hallett
OK. This is a review of dis book, which has come out recently,
and which Bjorn and I have dispatched to do the rounds of AFP
this very evening.
If you actually *want* to read it (for purposes other than
laughter), or if you don't want the plot to be revealed, then
ignore this post. I really can't take the piss out of it without
giving some fairly hefty spoilers, so I'm not even going to try.
Right. This is your last chance. If you really like
pseudo-mystical anthropomorphism, or you are Stephen Baxter, turn
back now. It's nothing personal, honest.
However, the text from here on gives major plot spoilers. At
least, insofar as the book *has* a plot (or at least, has a plot
more original than a lit fart).
From here on in, I am assuming that, if you are intending to read
this book, it is due to a masochistic enjoyment of prose so bad
it makes your eyes bleed - and not due to any actual desire to
find out what happens.
The basic premise is this; 'Mammoths In Spaa-ace' (chord).
Or, more accurately, mammoths on Mars.
Yup. Having introduced the idea that, somehow, mammoths survived
to the present day (see Mammoth book 1), we are now asked to
believe that humanity thought it worth taking them to Mars when
establishing a colony. And not just in embryonic form; the book's
heroine is taken to Mars while *fully grown*. In addition, the
heroine is described as the daughter of the mammoth in the first
story, despite the fact that 900-1,000 years separate the two
books.
So somebody obviously thought it worth cryo-freezing a mammoth
for ten centuries, and then taking it all the way to Mars;
presumably to graze upon the lush Martian vegetation we all know
and love.
Call me picky, but this requires a suspension of belief above and
beyond the ordinary. Way above and beyond. If you can read this
without collapsing into fits of giggles about the absurdity of it
all, you deserve some sort of medal (or a straitjacket).
If you can actually read this book and suspend your disbelief
without chemical aids, then you are missing your calling in life.
Tie some hawsers to yourself and go and work as a bridge.
The actual story itself is very simple - "Heroine mammoth saves
entire race, makes peace with halfbreed mammoth/elephant
hybrids". That's about it. Deep, huh?
The book itself might be expected to be a stirring finale to the
series; a triumphant signoff to a classic of fantasy.
In slightly more capable hands, at any rate.
What it *actually* gives the impression of is of an author under
a deadline, who has run out of things to do with their
characters, and so who decides to engage in one of the most
bizarre plots in the history of fiction, hoping that the novelty
of the idea will cover the fact that;
a) there's no great plot as such.
b) the characterization doesn't get (much) beyond the depths of
"Me Ug! Me Strong!"
and
c) the prose is truly ghastly. *Really* ghastly; the desperately
sincere and slow-paced prose of someone who has never learnt to
write anything that moves faster than a sloth on Valium.
The first two Mammoth books might be described as turgid
potboilers. They were, however, beloved by pest exterminators for
their thickness, as well has being remarkably flame-resistant for
printed works.
Sadly, I can't even describe Icebones as turgid. To call it
turgid might imply that it had *some* rigidity and solidity. It
doesn't. I can only describe it as a saggy sequel. It wilts like
an over-anxious bridegroom.
It's the runt of the litter; a small, floppy, big-eyed postlogue
to the magnificent awfulness of the first two books.
And, like most small, floppy, big-eyed runts, it will probably
appeal most to pubescent girls with an over-healthy taste for
slushy, fake-profound drivel.
(Or chronic masochists with an 'ironic' taste for kitsch.)
The ending is, if anything, a new low in moralizing
anthropomorphism. Not only is it annoyingly sermon-like (the
humans destroy Earth, obviously, they just didn't listen to the
mammoths), but the last chapter is a *direct* ripoff of the last
chapter of Watership Down.
I kid you not. Swap in 'mammoth' for 'rabbit' and 'Kilukpuk' for
'El-hrairah' and you have an *exact* match.
In summary; the heroine, being old and decrepeit, wakes up, talks
to a very young mammoth she doesn't initially recognise, snuffs
it, falls over, and up pops the God of Mammoths to take her along
to the hereafter.
That's a really inspiring ending to the whole series, isn't it?
I bet Richard Adams is really kicking himself that he never
finished off Watership Down like that.
Given the amount of comparison between Watership Down and Mammoth
by sundry reviewers, you have to wonder if Baxter didn't just
listen to them and think "what the hell; I'm fresh out of an
ending anyway..."
Locus described Baxter as having 'a stunning talent' (it says so
on the covers). This might be true for the first two books, given
sufficient velocity; but I doubt if the third one is capable of
more than a little light bruising.
It's Mammoth Lite; all the unhealthiness of regular Mammoth, but
without the impressive size. I give it three and a half screams
out of five.
Enjoy...
Gideon.
--
|==diog...@freeuk.com=(XNFP)==================================|
| ,xxx__."...but it's *LOSSY!*" - bringing compressed |
|_XXX."c_____________hedgehogs to the common people since 2001 |
Daibhid Chiennedelh
>Date: 21/04/01 22:17 GMT Standard Time
>Message-id: <3ae2f2d9...@news.blueyonder.co.uk
<snip highly amusing review>
Just while we're on the subject of this "epic", I was recently reading back
issues of Dave "more than just a quizwriter" Langford's "Ansible" and there's a
comment to the effect of "getting Mike Ashley's Mammoth Book of Fantasy
confused with Stephen Baxter's Fantasy Book of Mammoths".
Well, it made me laugh.
--
Dave
Elected for a second glorious term as Official Absentee of EU Skiffeysoc
http://www.ed.ac.uk/~sesoc
"I would be sorry for the good Lord; the theory is correct!"
(Einstein, asked how he'd react if experiment disproved general relativity)
MegaMole
<diog...@freeuk.com> writes
>
>OK. This is a review of dis book, which has come out recently,
>and which Bjorn and I have dispatched to do the rounds of AFP
>this very evening.
Kudos to Gideon "No, I am not Michael Praed's twin brother" Hallett for
having the courage to *read* the misbegotten excuse for chopping trees
down.
There are brave people out there in the big bad world, and Gideon is one
of them.
Brave, or lbooyd stupid. ;-) A round of applause, please.
--
* MegaMole, The Official Enrico Basilica : Chocolate rix in thy tum *
* http://www.countertenor.demon.co.uk/index.html Filks, Liff, Stuff *
mo...@lspace.org mo...@music.slut.org.uk fi...@countertenor.demon.co.uk
"Listen! Lyf is gude, And thou art welbiloved and frended..." DQ 627
Lord Lucan
"Gideon Hallett" <diog...@freeuk.com> scraeld in crayon
news:3ae2f2d9...@news.blueyonder.co.uk...
>
> OK. This is a review of dis book, which has come out recently,
> and which Bjorn and I have dispatched to do the rounds of AFP
> this very evening.
Is it just me or do other people get the impression that Gideon & Bjorn
didn't particularly enjoy this book ??
-Lord Lucan
Hail, Hail, the Eyeball Kid
Eric Jarvis
>
> "Gideon Hallett" <diog...@freeuk.com> scraeld in crayon
> news:3ae2f2d9...@news.blueyonder.co.uk...
> >
> > OK. This is a review of dis book, which has come out recently,
> > and which Bjorn and I have dispatched to do the rounds of AFP
> > this very evening.
>
> Is it just me or do other people get the impression that Gideon & Bjorn
> didn't particularly enjoy this book ??
>
I think it's just you
personally I think that without the sterling efforts of readers like
Gideon and Bjorn, who are able to tolerate extreme abuse of the
language without actually suffering any permanent clinical effects,
then many more of us might have accidentally read some of these
books...the NHS is under quite enough pressure as it is without
dealing with those of us who REALLY don't enjoy Stephen Baxter's
writing
--
eric - afprelationships in headers
"money can't buy you love, but sometimes dinner
is much more important"
Bjorn Bjornsson
>Lord Lucan wrote:
>>
>> "Gideon Hallett" <diog...@freeuk.com> scraeld in crayon
>> news:3ae2f2d9...@news.blueyonder.co.uk...
>> >
>> > OK. This is a review of dis book, which has come out recently,
>> > and which Bjorn and I have dispatched to do the rounds of AFP
>> > this very evening.
>>
>> Is it just me or do other people get the impression that Gideon & Bjorn
>> didn't particularly enjoy this book ??
>>
>
>I think it's just you
>
>personally I think that without the sterling efforts of readers like
>Gideon and Bjorn, who are able to tolerate extreme abuse of the
>language without actually suffering any permanent clinical effects,
>then many more of us might have accidentally read some of these
>books...the NHS is under quite enough pressure as it is without
>dealing with those of us who REALLY don't enjoy Stephen Baxter's
>writing
Oh, me just a no Englisperson who not stand under many words in book.
Too difficult, yes. But what i read be very fun
ny.
Ahem...
Bjorn
Who'll never look at an elephant again with out imagining a jaw
and *teeth* at the end of its trunk. Sorry for sharing....
p.s. I think i figured out baxter's strategy. All over the world
there are people reading Icebones going "jeez how much worse can this
be... i gotta get the sequel"
--
Björn Friðgeir Björnsson http://www.undo.com/bjorn
My afp Photo Album is at http://www.undo.com/bjorn/photos/afp/
MEG
news:MPG.154d7de3b...@news.dircon.co.uk...
> personally I think that without the sterling efforts of readers like
> Gideon and Bjorn, who are able to tolerate extreme abuse of the
> language without actually suffering any permanent clinical effects,
> then many more of us might have accidentally read some of these
> books...the NHS is under quite enough pressure as it is without
> dealing with those of us who REALLY don't enjoy Stephen Baxter's
> writing
So is it just me who enjoyed Time Ships then?
No, I mean *really* enjoyed.
- MEG
--
* Ever considered going to a UK Discworld Convention? *
* "2002: A Discworld Odyssey" * August 16th-19th, 2002 - *
* Web: http://www.dwcon.org/ * Email: in...@dwcon.org *
Adrian Ogden
>"Eric Jarvis" <er...@last.dircon.co.uk> wrote in message
>news:MPG.154d7de3b...@news.dircon.co.uk...
>> the NHS is under quite enough pressure as it is without
>> dealing with those of us who REALLY don't enjoy Stephen Baxter's
>> writing
>So is it just me who enjoyed Time Ships then?
>No, I mean *really* enjoyed.
The only Baxter I've read so far is Timelike Infinity. Which
I did enjoy, and I keep meaning to read the rest of the Xeelee
sequence at some point. It's notable that his hard SF stuff
does tend to get high acclaim.
Which leads me to wonder what went wrong with Mammoth, but thanks
to the sterling efforts of Gideon, Bjorn and the Benelux afpers
I'm in no hurry to find out.
<< Adrian Ogden -- "Sic Biscuitus Disintegrat" -- A.N....@reading.ac.uk >>
"What is the meaning of this? I ordered a bottle of medium dry white wine,
and you've brought me an ornamental bird bath... with a cheesegrater in it."
Ingvar Mattsson
[SNIP]
> So is it just me who enjoyed Time Ships then?
> No, I mean *really* enjoyed.
Baxta's rilly good, man. Baxta's mammothfiction sucka dead goat thru'
a mammoth trunk, tho'. Baxta's SF rocks greatly.
//Ingvar (spacelike trajectory!)
--
"Reptilian slimeball namespace with your mind."
Pfy
Terry Pratchett
<ssso...@reading.ac.uk> writes
>The only Baxter I've read so far is Timelike Infinity. Which
>I did enjoy, and I keep meaning to read the rest of the Xeelee
>sequence at some point. It's notable that his hard SF stuff
>does tend to get high acclaim.
I think Steve Baxter is a world-class hard sf writer. Haven't read
Mammoth, I must admit.
--
Terry Pratchett
Martin Wisse
Decent hard sf writer[1], nice guy[2], out of his depth when trying to
write believably about politics[3], the braineater got him for the
Mammoth series.
Intelligent animal books risk the danger of turning inutterably twee
anyway, but if you want to make it a political correct talking animal
book....
My hindbrain was going "danger Will Robinson, anger" when I was reading
the backflap of the first book to try and decide whether or not I should
waste fl 5.00 on it, but did I listen?
All I can say is that I tried, believe me I tried to read it, somehow
made it through most of the first book, until I got to the mammoth sex
scene. At that point my brain mercifully shut down.
And since I believe in spreading my pain around... Well, if you've been
to a Benelux AFP meet you know now...
[1] But just as with Peter F. "you will get a hernia from carrying my
books" Hamilton he's just not my cuppa.
[2] Met him at Eastercon
[3] do try and find James Nicoll's rant about _Titan_
Martin Wisse
--
Pictures from CCDE, meet reports and more:
<http://www.ad-astra.demon.nl/afp/>
Sylvain Chambon
[Mammoth, by Stephen Baxter]
>All I can say is that I tried, believe me I tried to read it,
>somehow made it through most of the first book, until I got to the
>mammoth sex scene. At that point my brain mercifully shut down.
Ahh... reminds me of Werber's ant sex scene[1][2].
Particularly, er, hmm, I can't think of anything it was particulary
so.
Sylvain.
[1] "La révolution des fourmis" IIRC.
[2] The ants trilogy still holds the "worst book I've ever read"
award. Wonder why I read all three... I must enjoy suffering. Or
something.
--
Sylvain Chambon - gou...@lepcf.org
New and improved! http://gourou.lepcf.org
Martin Wisse
wrote:
>In article <3b012899....@news.demon.nl>, Martin Wisse wrote:
>
>[Mammoth, by Stephen Baxter]
>
>>All I can say is that I tried, believe me I tried to read it,
>>somehow made it through most of the first book, until I got to the
>>mammoth sex scene. At that point my brain mercifully shut down.
>
>Ahh... reminds me of Werber's ant sex scene[1][2].
There was one? Umm...
>Particularly, er, hmm, I can't think of anything it was particulary
>so.
>
>Sylvain.
>
>[1] "La révolution des fourmis" IIRC.
>
>[2] The ants trilogy still holds the "worst book I've ever read"
>award. Wonder why I read all three... I must enjoy suffering. Or
>something.
Mmmm. I quite liked the first book, the ant parts at least. The framing
story suffered from the "mainstream author doing sf" syndrome, where the
author in question is not very familiar with sf, doesn't know the knacks
to make his story believable and thinks he was the first to invent
timetravel/robots/whatever.
Never read the other books, cause my French is, to be polite, merde.I've
been halfheartedly trying to (re)learn French, especially reading
French, every now and again over the past few years, but haven't
succeeded yet. Mostly I'm trying this to be able to read some bande
dessinees[1] you cannot get in translation, like Baru's _l'Autoroute du
Soleil_ or Trondheim's _Slaloms_, which are both utterly brilliant.
[1] comics
pia
"Sylvain Chambon" <sgpch...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:slrn9eftcs.p...@localhost.localdomain...
> Ahh... reminds me of Werber's ant sex scene[1][2].
> Particularly, er, hmm, I can't think of anything it was particulary
> so.
>
> [1] "La révolution des fourmis" IIRC.
>
> [2] The ants trilogy still holds the "worst book I've ever read"
> award. Wonder why I read all three... I must enjoy suffering. Or
> something.
Oh dear, is it a trilogy... I've read one of the books, probably the
first in the series. Reading it was almost compulsory since ants are
what I research. The book was embarrassing reading, and not only
because of the bio-howlers which it obviously would contain. I agree
that the sex scenes (do you remember the snails?)[1] were nearly
intolerable...
pia
[1] apropos snails and completely tangential to the post, last week I
*ate* snails first time in my life. Not bad but not very exiting
eating either.
Bj
> >mammoth sex scene.
There was one of those in "Caligula", wasn't there...
Bj
Sylvain Chambon
>
>"Sylvain Chambon" <sgpch...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>news:slrn9eftcs.p...@localhost.localdomain...
>> [2] The ants trilogy still holds the "worst book I've ever read"
>> award. Wonder why I read all three... I must enjoy suffering. Or
>> something.
>
>Oh dear, is it a trilogy... I've read one of the books, probably
>the first in the series. Reading it was almost compulsory since
>ants are what I research. The book was embarrassing reading, and
>not only because of the bio-howlers which it obviously would
>contain. I agree that the sex scenes (do you remember the
>snails?)[1] were nearly intolerable...
<g> Actually, the bedbug sex scene (second book) was funny. The
snails were bad, but not quite as bad as the ant one in the third
book, seen from the point of view of the female.
That was bloody awful.
I still have nightmares about ants trying to laugh. Or fall in love.
<shudder>
>[1] apropos snails and completely tangential to the post, last week
>I *ate* snails first time in my life. Not bad but not very exiting
>eating either.
Garlic-flavoured chewing gum? :-)
Sylvain.
Margaret
>[2] The ants trilogy still holds the "worst book I've ever read"
>award. Wonder why I read all three... I must enjoy suffering. Or
>something.
'Or something', I think. The same thing that draws the
eye to a road accident...a morbid interest in the
unusually-awful and a dull thankfulness that you're
neither responsible nor involved.
:-)
T J Wilkinson
wrote:
>[1] apropos snails and completely tangential to the post, last week I
>*ate* snails first time in my life. Not bad but not very exiting
>eating either.
Another one! I'm starting to come to the conclusion that snails are
only eaten for two reasons:
a) to say that you've done it
and b) as somewhere to put some absolutely delicious sauce.
mmmm, garlic and butter
Tracy (drooling over the keyboard again)
--
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~tajwileb/
"People who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very
happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well,
and is cheaper, and more easily obtained." - J. K. Jerome
Suzi
wibbled...
[Snip]
> Another one! I'm starting to come to the conclusion that snails are
> only eaten for two reasons:
> a) to say that you've done it
> and b) as somewhere to put some absolutely delicious sauce.
>
> mmmm, garlic and butter
On the other hand, you could actually put said sauces on something
edible such as mushrooms... hang on... garlic and butter... hmmm... yes,
better ruining the snails with that concoction rather than ruining good
mushrooms with it I suppose.
Suzi
--
* "2002: A Discworld Odyssey" * The Discworld Convention *
* Hanover International, Hinkley * August 16th-19th, 2002 *
T J Wilkinson
>In article <3ae933d1...@news.xtra.co.nz>, usene...@angelfire.com
>wibbled...
>[Snip]
>> Another one! I'm starting to come to the conclusion that snails are
>> only eaten for two reasons:
>> a) to say that you've done it
>> and b) as somewhere to put some absolutely delicious sauce.
>>
>> mmmm, garlic and butter
>
>On the other hand, you could actually put said sauces on something
>edible such as mushrooms... hang on... garlic and butter... hmmm... yes,
>better ruining the snails with that concoction rather than ruining good
>mushrooms with it I suppose.
<gives sign to ward off evil eye. Hates garlic and butter, likes
mushrooms, next thing you know Suzi's head will start revolving and it
will be the seas of blood thing all over again>
Despite your blasphemy surely you see that if you put a delicious
sauce[1] on something with a flavour then the flavour of the thing
will probably interfer with the flavour of the sauce, while with
snails there's nothing to threaten your pleasures.
Tracy (who recently brought some delicious cheese and is now wondering
"with biscuits or without?")
[1] for whatever value of sauce you like.
Adrian Ogden
><gives sign to ward off evil eye. Hates garlic and butter, likes
>mushrooms, next thing you know Suzi's head will start revolving and
>it will be the seas of blood thing all over again>
Depending on what kind of mushrooms.
<< Adrian Ogden -- "Sic Biscuitus Disintegrat" -- A.N....@reading.ac.uk >>
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye
of a needle if you put it through a blender first."
sparrow
T J Wilkinson wrote:
>
> Tracy (who recently brought some delicious cheese and is now wondering
> "with biscuits or without?")
my vote is for both :)
if you run out of cheese, you could always get some more....
mmmm I will have to finish the stilton when i go home
sparrow
T J Wilkinson
wrote:
>T J Wilkinson wrote:
>> Tracy (who recently brought some delicious cheese and is now wondering
>> "with biscuits or without?")
>my vote is for both :)
>if you run out of cheese, you could always get some more....
It's not that easy. It's from this little farm place two hours drive
away so it's not like wandering off to the supermarket. Maybe I could
move up north. <sigh>
To all NZers I highly recommend this place - it's in Norsewood - go
into upper Northwood and signs will direct you in the right direction.
They make organic cheeses to a whole variety of receipes - I brought
Troll cheese, Nail cheese, Thor cheese (with chilli peppers in it) and
feta and something apparently made to a 1000 year old receipe which is
better than parmesan.
Tracy
Natalie Mayer
T J Wilkinson <tracy.w...@xtra.co.nz> wrote:
>something apparently made to a 1000 year old receipe which is
>better than parmesan.
Mizithra? (sp?!)
natts
T J Wilkinson
wrote:
Sounds familar - is it a word vaguely associated with Norway? They
have a distinct theme going on up there.
Dannevirke is as bad. But falling behind on the cheese stakes.
T J Wilkinson
>usene...@angelfire.com (T J Wilkinson) writes:
>
>> On 2 May 2001 13:04:27 GMT, nma...@rohan.sdsu.edu (Natalie Mayer)
>> >Mizithra? (sp?!)
>>
>> Sounds familar - is it a word vaguely associated with Norway? They
>> have a distinct theme going on up there.
>
>Mizithra(sp?) is Greek I think. Parmesan&butter if I remember, and
>quite artery clogging.
You'll just have to come over and taste some.
While you're at the farm I have a few orders, if you'd be so kind.
:-)