Route Buzz Ratings Guidelines
Mad Dog
If you've ever done a route that really gave you a buzz, you know what I
mean. It's a personal thing and it's always hard to predict in
advance. Whereas there may be some grounds for arguing about a route's
difficulty rating, or its quality rating, it is totally rediculous to
try and talk about how much someone else enjoyed a given route. If you
doubt this, repeat the same route in 4 different seasons, with 4
different partners. Then go back and do it hung over, sick or
depressed.
I recently ticked a route I've had wood for since about '89 and a least
the third time was a charm. It's a classic and I loved the climbing,
but I made the mistake of expecting to cop a huge buzz off of it.
Reality conspired againast us and although my partner did all he should
have and more, I left with the buzz meter less than the expected fully
pegged mark. Thus, on the long drive home, I had plenty of time to mull
over the many diverse stimuli that integrate to form one's final buzz
qoutient.
Below, you will find my first pass at suggested Route Buzz Ratings
Guidelines (RBRG). Keep in mind I'm saying up front that YMMV in this
personal arena. Flames are welcome in fact, since no one has managed to
piss me off in the last 2.5 weeks and I don't want to forget how rude
this lovely newsgroup inherently is. I'll start at low RBRG values and
build to a climax of sorts, occasionally cross-referencing other sensory
arenas for those of you that are excessively one-dimensional. I've
decided to use a closed system with Roman numerals, since it has a
higher potentical for confusion and is inherently more trad-like.
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Mad Dog's Route Buzz Ratings Guidelines, Phase 1.0
RBR = 0
This, being the bottom end of the scale, must represent routes that
truly suck to an optimal degree. This grade is reserved for maximum
disasters, such as when you die. Remember, as you breath your last
breath to inform your teary partner that the RBR is nillo, zilch, nada.
Choss piles, rainy days and dihareea in your shorts may be a drag, but
do not compete.
The culinary equivalent would be when your mother in law puts a
slow-acting poison in your aperitif, then seems exceptionally happy as
you gag on the entree. The sexual equivalent would be when a hot babe
mutilates you on the first date. Nobody survives to tell about RBR
zeroes, so there is no debate about this grading.
RBR = 1
RBR 1's are not all that much above a zero, except that you live. You
may wish you'd died. When the boulder crushed Papen's penis, he could
have claimed an RBR of 1 but since he later learned to use the injured
unit to jam ultrathin cracks, such a rating would have been
disqualified. RBR 1 routes often still involve death, but instead of it
being yours, it may be that of one you care dearly for. In some ways,
RBR1's are worse than zeroes, since you get to live with it.
The cluinary equivalent might be when your Ex feeds you a substance that
causes your face to rot slowly, or your manhood to fall off. The sexual
equivalent is well documented in the Bobbit case.
RBR = 2
RBR's of 2 and higher are fortunately much more likely to happen to the
everyday woman and man and can be survived to some degree. Based on the
kinds of posts I read here and events I've witnessed at the crags over
the last few years, I'd say that RBR2's happen fairly regularly. An
example might be an unroped fall with a lower extremity stopper plug
into a cravasse or squeeze chimney, followed by a botched rescue.
Permanent disability is a given.
The culinary equivalent is a dish dosed with concentrated hydrochloric
acid that is purported to be "a bit spicy". Talk about heartburn! The
sexual equivalent may be an unexpected introduction to HIV, followd by
years of slow decline.
RBR = 3
Many of us endure RBR 3's at one time in our climbing career. These
involve serious injury and an evacuation performed by ignorant gearheads
that have not been allowed to pose sufficiently in recent memory.
The culinary equivalent may be when you choke on an artichoke at a ritsy
place and the guy at the next table rips your diaphragm when he performs
a vigorous Heimlich. The sexual equivalent is when you have sex with 3
very motivated, very angry women that are intent on rearranging your
spine. Or maybe you like that sort of thing, as does Tony. At least it
gives one an excuse as to why climbing hard is no longer possible.
RBR = 4
Now we're getting into relatively commonplace epics involving injuries
that do not require a rescue. Your partner pops his mono thru your
cheek or drops a bowling ball sized rock onto your instep from 50 feet.
Unplanned bivies with minor frostbite fit in here. An injury of some
sort with a month or two of healing time are mandatory.
The culinary equivalent is a lunch in Kathmandu loaded with bugs that
make gerardia look like kid's stuff. The sexual equivalent is a new
strain of gonorrehea that makes your weenie shrink permanently.
RBR = 5
These routes aren't as bad as they first seem. At least you walk away
from them gimping no worse than usual. This grade covers a wide range
of experiences. Maybe you thought you were in for an RBR 8 but then
your partner copped an attitude and took you off belay when you were
leading the crux. Or maybe you had to bail and left 8 new Camalots on
the way out. Grow up, you'll get over it.
The culinary equivalent is like when you search long and hard to find
some primo salmon, then after carefully smoking it to perfection, your
hot date informs you it tastes like pencil rubber. The sexual
equivalent is when you perform like Johnny Wadd for 45 minutes and your
mate falls asleep.
RBR = 6
Finally, we are into the domain of the slightly good experience. You
promised to take your neighbor's kid out and the punk actually shows
promise. Or maybe you survive a lousy choss pile without filling your
shorts.
Food-wise, you burned the burgers mercilessly but the chipotle sauce
made them taste merely lousy. Your girlfriend passed out but at least
you got your rocks off. You follow: everyone has a bad day now and
then.
RBR = 7
Hey, life's not bad if you hang in the range of RBR 7 and above. If you
agreed to do a route you thought would be a 5 and it turned out to be a
7, that's not bad. If you expected a 9 and got a 7, you might be
inclined to whine a little, you wuss. So what if you had to run it out
on the RP - you're alive to brag about it, chump.
Well, your dinner was edible but the boss picked at it and acted
nonplussed - tell him to give you a raise so you can afford real beef.
Your date came 3 times but wanted more? Tell her to do some work.
RBR = 8
Now we're cookin' with oil. You actually felt like you were climbing
with grace, the sun was warm but not too hot and the summit cashews hit
the spot. You've lusted this route a long time and you really enjoyed
it to the max. You've already forgotten how scared shitless you were on
pitch 3 when that hex fell out. An RBR 8 buzz lasts for at least 2
weeks and you babble to neighbors about it that you wouldn't normally
give the time of day to.
Not only was dinner outstanding but the boss's wife gave you a
eyeball-twisting blow job during desert. Your date didn't seem to care
and satisifed you and herself for hours after the boss left.
RBR = 9
Life is really good. You just sent the biggest tick on your list (an
FFA to boot) with style and got back to the base early enough to jump on
a few classics. You scam 8 new Camalots left by some bailing bumblie.
You end the day with glowing tips and super memories. You throw
together a menu fit for a king on the tailgate of your truck and your
lady shows she really can suck the crome off a trailer hitch. At the
end of the day, you hurt everywhere, but it's a good pain. Your photos
of the route are bought by Climbing, Outside and R&I. An RBR 9 buzz
lasts for months, if not years.
RBR = 10
You just snagged the FFAs of the Zodiac and Sheep Ranch in the same
day. A5 just offered you a lifetime contract. You hit the lotto big
time and the best in the world now cook for you. You have so much
quality sex, you have thick callouses on knees, elbows and all other
contact zones. It cannot get any better than this, until tomorrow. An
RBR 10 buzz never ends.
---------------------------------------
Well, that's about it. I haven't had much sleep lately, so you'll have
to forgive the incoherencies and misspellings. As I said, this is a
first pass at this new system.
Mad "my amp goes to 11" Dog
snee...@stu.beloit.edu
Summary of what Maddog wrote:
> RBR = 0
> This grade is reserved for maximum disasters, such as when you die. Nobody > survives to tell about RBR zeroes, so there is no debate about this grading.
>
> RBR = 1
> RBR 1's are not all that much above a zero, except that you live. You
> may wish you'd died. RBR 1 routes often still involve death, but instead of > it being yours, it may be that of one you care dearly for. In some ways,
> RBR1's are worse than zeroes, since you get to live with it.
>
> RBR = 2
> An example might be an unroped fall with a lower extremity stopper plug
> into a cravasse or squeeze chimney, followed by a botched rescue.
> Permanent disability is a given.
>
> RBR = 3
> These involve serious injury and an evacuation performed by ignorant
> gearheads that have not been allowed to pose sufficiently in recent memory.
>
> RBR = 4
> An injury of some sort with a month or two of healing time are mandatory.
>
> RBR = 5
> These routes aren't as bad as they first seem. At least you walk away
> from them gimping no worse than usual.
>
> RBR = 6
> Finally, we are into the domain of the slightly good experience.
>
> RBR = 7
> Hey, life's not bad if you hang in the range of RBR 7 and above. So what if > you had to run it out on the RP - you're alive to brag about it, chump.
>
> RBR = 8
> You actually felt like you were climbing with grace, the sun was warm but
> not too hot and the summit cashews hit the spot. An RBR 8 buzz lasts for at > least 2weeks and you babble to neighbors about it that you wouldn't normally
> give the time of day to.
>
> RBR = 9
> Life is really good. You just sent the biggest tick on your list (an
> FFA to boot) with style and got back to the base early enough to jump on
> a few classics. An RBR 9 buzz lasts for months, if not years.
>
> RBR = 10
> It cannot get any better than this, until tomorrow. An
> RBR 10 buzz never ends.
>
<clap clap clap clap>
Bravo!
I have only one comment--it seems to me that like YDS, there needs to be at
least a +/- distinction for the three or four RBR's at the top of the grade.
Beautiful piece of work--I laughed, I cried, it was much better than cats. I
will certainly put this scale to use immediately, and force my partners to do
the same, under threat of lowering their RBR for the day.
--
James
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Hendo
It's been filed away for future reference.
... actually, I put it to use last Friday. Went out to Kelso crag for some
exploring. Rapped down the overgrown wall between Jolly Roger and The Chimney,
hoping to rediscover three ancient routes. Found trees, muck, poison ivy and
Himalayan mounds of raccoon turds. Promptly named it the Asylum Wall, i.e.
only lunatics would climb there. RBR-5.
Cheers,
David Henderson
Toronto