A Christmas Story
John Stevenson
A CHRISTMAS STORY:
Once upon a time along while ago in a land far from the internet there
lived three wise men. Their names were Jim, Scott and Andy.
Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas Hisaltovoz could
never make up his mind if he was sane or not thereby making his
wiseness null and void. [ Like the space between his ears ]
So it came to pass that Jim Scott and Andy were thoroughly pissed off
with nothing to do at night having been banned from all the local bars
in the area for either letchering, being drunk, fighting or farting
out loud, but not necessarily in that order.
Now Scott who could be classed as an up market version of Jed Clampett
leant on his zimmer frame and said " I'm pissed off" which proved he
waqs a wise man as not everybody realises that there are two peas in
pissed.
"Lets do something exciting tonight". This caused a few moments
hesitation and silence as our hero's try to remember what exciting is.
The last exciting thing Jim can remember was putting pork scratchings
in the Rabbi's handbag. Jim's hobby was fishing and he never liked the
Rabbi because he considered the Rabbi had the best bait.
After a few more moments silence andy realised that he hadn't done
anything exciting since Junior school when he stretched cling film
over the bog in the staff room toilet and hid outside to listen to the
headmasters version of rain on a galvanised iron roof.
In his present position of bouncer at Mothercare life seemed a little
dull.
" Lets go pick some women up" said Scott. "The last women you got
picked you up and that was only because she drove the crane at the
local foundry" said Jim.
"Lets follow that bright star in the sky". said Andy. "What are you
some kind of a pratt?" asked Scott. "Well we haven't anything better
to do". said Andy, which in a way summed up the whole of his life.
"Its pointing towards the desert, how do we get across then?"
"We'll hire some camels from that Dutch immigrant Hertz Van Rental".
So they all troop over to Hertz's place to hire three camels. "How
long will you be going across the desert?" asked Hertz. "Dunno said
Scott, maybe three, four days". "In that case your camels will want
watering up then". "What's that asked Andy? "Well you give the camels
a trough of water to drink and just as it's finishing you creep round
the back and squash it's bollocks with two house bricks, when it gasps
with the pain it swallows two more days water"> said Hertz.
"What happens if it's a female camel? asked Jim. "Well unless it's got
a satisfied smirk on it's face forget the house bricks and use a yard
brush instead"> answered Hertz.
So two tries later because Scott got his thumbs between the bricks
see's our intrepid hero's on there way with a slight detour to Oasis
Ben Asda for supplies.
Exit Andy carrying three bottles of Yousef Walker Red Label Whisky, 25
six packs of Tureg Lager and three bags of smoky bacon crisps. "Bloody
hell said Scott "what have you bought all those crisps for?"
Anyway to continue with the story 'cause I'm getting a bit pissed off
typing with one finger, our hero's cross the desert and arrive at a
little Town called Bethlehem which was a bit like Pitsburg before they
discovered smoke.
Finding the one and only bar called "Two birds in the hand" because as
everyone knows, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand, ore
travelers enter to enjoy a jar or seven.
"This place is bloody crowded tonight, what's going on?" asked Jim who
is always the last to know anything. Andy asked a passing barmaid for
an explanation but finds out that she's German and the only German he
knows is "Tits un floppen mit der hand un kranken" which roughly
translated means "Could you direct me to the cheapest brothel please".
After further inquires are made it turns out that according to local
hearsay the local Messiah will be appearing. "Well he's not liable to
get much appearance money at this dump "said Scott. Thank God your an
atheist said Jim, "anyway I've got to go for a piss" and left by the
back door to look for the bog. Whilst he's gone Scott and Andy get a
couple of swift halfs in out of the kitty without Jim knowing and
start looking at the local talent. "My God some of these are rough"
said Andy "Yes and the women aren't much better, you need a dog
licence for some of these". said Scott.
Just then Jim comes running back in "Quick come and have a look
there's this bird dropping a kid out in the stable". "Piss off your
pulling my leg said Scott.
"No I'm not, straight up there's this bird dropping a kid in the
stable". said Jim. "If she has a miss carriage can I have the wheels
off it for my zimmer frame? said Scott.
So they all go out to the stable Jim in front, then Andy followed by
Scott because he'd stopped to finish everybody else's drink.
Jim and Andy walked into the stable to witness the birth followed by
Scott. As Scott walks in he steps on a rake which hits him straight
between the eyes. "Jesus Christ" he shouted sinking down onto one
knee with the pain.
"My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Fitch"
Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional
Regards,
John Stevenson at
Jay Hayes
Hee hee, ho ho, a great story, don't ya know!
Thanks for many laughs.
Jay
Fitch R. Williams
jst...@engineers.force9.co.uk (John Stevenson) wrote:
>
>
>A CHRISTMAS STORY:
>
<snip funny story>
>"My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Fitch"
>
>
>
>Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional
Dang! That was good.
<ROTFLOL> :-))))))))
Fitch
The FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) for rec.crafts.metalworking
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Roger Loving
John Stevenson, can I get you to re-post "A Christmas Story"?
Apparently my newsreader didn't pick up the original..
Roger
ANDY POPKY
>
>
>A CHRISTMAS STORY:
>
>Once upon a time along while ago in a land far from the internet there
>lived three wise men. Their names were Jim, Scott and Andy.
>Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas Hisaltovoz could
>never make up his mind
if he was sane or not thereby making his
>wiseness null and void. [
very well done (if you like that damn English humor)
but don't give up your day job and start trying to write comedy<w>
my only change would have been a 5th wise men once removed
Peter the not so great aka Nolan the Ass
may the Swartz be with you!!
ANDY POPKY
XL MACHINERY SALES INC
NEW & USED MACHINE TOOLS
(OCCASIONAL MACHINERY PSYCHIC)
CBear81438
In article <348876f7....@news.zippo.com>, jst...@engineers.force9.co.uk
(John Stevenson) writes:
>
A CHRISTMAS STORY:
At 6:00 am on Sunday morn this almost made me spill my coffee, and I would have
to sue only myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I get a translation on some of those terms? I'm still just a redneck in
Oklahoma, we are 41st in the US in education.
Cecil in OK
Cecil in OK, USA
CBear...@aol.com
John Stevenson
On 7 Dec 1997 02:21:22 GMT, roge...@ix.netcom.com(Roger Loving)
wrote:
> John Stevenson, can I get you to re-post "A Christmas Story"?
>Apparently my newsreader didn't pick up the original..
> Roger
Nigel Eaton
In article <19971207140...@ladder01.news.aol.com>
, CBear81438 <cbear...@aol.com> writes
>
>GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Can I get a translation on some of those terms? I'm still just a redneck
>in
>Oklahoma, we are 41st in the US in education.
Maybe I can be of some help here. I speak English, and
understand American... :^)
A CHRISTMAS STORY:
pissed off - not overly happy
pork scratchings - bits of pig skin cooked until
crisp and then served in
plastic bags as a popular
snack (I am not making this up)
Junior school - Roughly, first grade.
bog - toilet
headmaster - principal
Mothercare - A store specialising in goods for
mothers and babies (very boring).
pratt - A silly person
bollocks - Yes, this often causes
problems. Cojones, testicles.
Oasis Ben Asda - Asda is a supermarket here in the UK
smoky bacon crisps - Potato chips treated with a chemical
which makes them taste amazingly
unlike smoky bacon.
one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand
- Kate Bush is an extraordinarily
lovely singer. One in her would
indeed be worth at least two in
the hand.
swift halfs in out of the kitty
- Nothing (you will be relieved to hear)
to do with cats. 'Swift halfs' refers
to the rapid consumption of a half
pint of beer. A 'kitty' is formed when
several dedicated drinkers all put
a sum of money into a communal
fund, and then desperately attempt
to drink more than their share before
the kitty is exhausted.......
there's this bird dropping a kid
- Here John is referring to the natural
wonder of childbirth. Touching, eh?
pulling my leg - Jesting
straight up - Honestly (would I lie to you?)
Hope this helps!
Nigel (who, like John, apparently doesn't have enough work to do!)
--
Nigel Eaton
21st Century Programmers Do It With 4 Digits
brian whatcott
On Tue, 9 Dec 1997 11:49:42 +0000, Nigel
Eaton,nig...@rcav8r.demon.co.uk says...
>
>swift halfs out of the kitty
> - Nothing (you will be relieved to hear)
> to do with cats. 'Swift halfs' refers
> to the rapid consumption of a half
> pint of beer.
There is something more to be said about a half-pint of English beer.
You add 2 ounces of ice to turn this into a small bottle of a kind of
strong American beer, or add 6 ounces of ice water to turn it into a
regular US brew - the Limey pint being 20 ounces rather than 16, and
stronger in terms of alcohol...
Did I explain about the ice?
brian whatcott <in...@intellisys.net> Altus OK