Open Letter to John Scalzi (long)
J Metz
attitudes that you post on your website
(http://www.scalzi.com/w020422.htm). Let me first address why I'm
posting here, on ascf, rather than in direct response to your site: 1) I
can pretty much be assured that it will be posted in its entirety here
and unburied, and 2) in a forum that will remain open to debate.
I cannot speak (nor do I pretend to) for other childfree members, but I
can safely assume that the sentiments expressed here are shared by more
than a few. You have experienced some of the more rabid members of the
group and suffered through vitriolic expressions of disdain, which can
cloud the issues at hand much more readily than they will clarify.
Personally, I do not hate children or parents as a rule. What I (and I
think some others) hate include the following:
* Parents who think they are "owed" something for having children
* Parents who think their *children* are owed something
* Dr. Laura
* Children who grow up thinking that they are entitled to special
privileges because they are not educated otherwise
* Parents who think that they are not responsible for their child's
actions
* Parents who think that the government should subsidize their child's
upbringing
* Being limited in social and entertainment activities because of the
"effect" on children who shouldn't be there in the first place
* Being forced to endure children in adult workplaces
* Being forced to subjugate our own desires, wants, and needs for those
who have children
* Being expected (not even requested any more) to compensate for the
inactivity and unproductivity of parents
* Being financially and socially taxed for the benefit of parents who
see it as an entitlement
* Dr. Laura
* Parents who hypocritically expect non-parents to forego legitimate
behaviors and entertainment that they themselves engaged in before they
were parents, simply for the sake of "for the children." Examples
include, but are not limited to, profanity, violence, and sex-laden
movies that any adult should have the right to determine for him/herself
whether they should attend
* Having to endure children who intrude or behave inappropriately in
public places and then be subjected to parental diatribes about "how can
you speak to my child like that?" for not tolerating it
* Parents who have kids for the sake of having more kids
* Teenage parents who do not understand the financial, social, or
political consequences of having children when they are unprepared
* Dr. Laura
* Parents who get tax breaks for having children, then want the
government to give them money from people who *don't* have children to
receive vouchers for private schools.
* Being labeled "selfish" for not having or wanting to have children,
when there is nothing in the world MORE selfish than having kids in the
first place
* Working parents who believe they should be able to "have it all" and
demand compensation when they can't
* Parents who tolerate behavior from their children when they wouldn't
tolerate it before they had kids
* Parents who make a choice to have kids and resent others who don't
have the same time and life restrictions as a result
* Parents who refuse to require their children to respect other adults
(e.g., how many times have I heard a parent introduce me to their 5-year
old child as "J" instead of Mr. Metz or Dr. Metz, as my parents taught
me, and as I deserve? Teach your child some respect, dammit!)
and, of course, Dr. Laura.*
My guess as to why you receive blind vitriolic spasms from members of
this group (and the child-free community at large) is due to the fact
that patience is wearing too thin. Everywhere I turn there are more
calls for "Family Friendly" fill-in-the-blank, often being a direct
erosion of personal liberty, privacy, and financial independence.
To make matters worse, these children are growing up with an
institutionalized sense of self-righteousness and entitlement that is
infuriating. They *expect* to be given things for free (cars at 16, for
instance). They know that they are surrounded by political clout and
act accordingly (ever have a group of pre-teens ride their bikes in the
middle of the street when you're trying to drive and refuse to get out
of the way?). And I'm not even talking about kids on the dole - these
are kids with so-called middle-class backgrounds.
There are other, more direct consequences of childbearing and
child-raising. As the only member of my group of college friends
without children, I have watched as friend after friend has completely
lost the individual identity that made them who they are. The distinct
personalities which had made up my circle of friends are completely gone
now, replaced by a generic "mommy" or "daddy" persona that makes them
entirely interchangeable. Conversations no longer can revolve around
interesting topics - no matter how esoteric - but instead degenerate
into the one common denominator that marks all parents: their kids. So,
in a sense, there is an element of loss there as well.
But perhaps more than anything else, the absolution of all
responsibility becomes the most infuriating. Columbine is the result of
negative influences of Marilyn Manson, or the Matrix, but couldn't
*possibly* be bad parenting or other, abusive teenagers. If I don't
like having a child come over and stick their fingers in my lunch at a
restaurant, it's *my* fault for not being "child-friendly." If someone
- I swear to God this happened - lets their child run screaming up and
down the aisle in a movie theater showing Stigmata, the guy who
complains is an intolerant bigot who doesn't like children. If I don't
want a child to rubberneck over my shoulder to look at what I'm typing
into my PDA in a waiting room, it's my problem for being anti-social.
Then there's the idea that somehow becoming a parent makes you a better
person. That's the argument - sometimes spoken, sometimes implied -
that until you have kids you are incomplete, uncivilized, unworldly,
un*selfish*, that is patently insulting and offensive. How many times
have we heard stories of the Andrea Yates' of the world, the Susan
Smiths? In Orlando a couple of years ago we actually had a story of a
guy who put his step-child in the OVEN and killed her at 400 degrees.
If this is *better* than what he was before...
The problem is, parents think that these bad examples of parenting are
the exception, rather than the rule. They neither understand nor care
that the opposite is the case, nor do they fathom that those parents who
have gone before have left paths of destroyed goodwill along the way.
Add to it the ridiculous notions of how parents aren't getting their
"fair share" in the form of tax breaks, school vouchers, voting rights,
work-reprieve, etc., and it's no wonder that the resentment and anger
boils over.
But look, it's really simple. A man's beliefs are exemplified best by
his actions; raise your daughter to show respect towards others, without
an over-developed sense of entitlement, and perhaps another parent might
do the same. Perhaps your daughter will teach *her* daughter to do the
same. Understand that having children entitles you SOLELY to the
responsibility involved in raising her within your means, and I'm sure
that you will have the respect of not only myself and others on this
list, but also their gratitude and encouragement.
Sincerely,
J
*Why do I hate Dr. Laura in this regard? Because the philosophy she
espouses goes something like this:
You shouldn't have sex until you are married.
When you are married the first goal should be to have children
When you have children you have a responsibility to that child above
everything else
Therefore, according to this logic, there whole purpose of being in a
relationship is to have children, subsume your own identity, and
perpetuate the cycle. You are nothing, according to Laura, without
children and have no rights either with or without them. There are, of
course, more reasons why I hate Dr. Laura, but in regards to children
this is my beef.
OhSojourner
>Personally, I do not hate children or parents as a rule. What I (and I
>think some others) hate include the following:
[snip excellent list]
Here's another one I'd like to add in lieu of our recent "headlines":
* For women, being made to feel as if we're nothing more than walking
incubators with timers, or similar to insects going through life stages that
are beyond our control, and that we can't really have a life we can truly call
our own because we're supposed be serving a utilitarian function.
(<sarcasm>Gee, there's nothing more life-affirming than having the MORTALITY!
BREED! message screamed at you everywhere you go. [subtext being that you might
as well be dead if you haven't reproduced by the cut-off date.]</sarcasm>)
*******************************************************
http://sojourns.150m.com/photoindex.html (updated 2/23/02)
Steve Lamb
> Allow me to clarify some basic misconceptions regarding Child-free
> attitudes that you post on your website
Ooooo Archivist!
Speaking of which when I've visited the archives site lately there haven't
been any updates in quite a while. Time for someone else to step up?
--
Steve C. Lamb | I'm your priest, I'm your shrink, I'm your
ICQ: 5107343 | main connection to the switchboard of souls.
To email: Don't despair! | -- Lenny Nero, Strange Days
-------------------------------+---------------------------------------------
J Metz
ohsoj...@aol.comedy (OhSojourner) wrote:
> * For women, being made to feel as if we're nothing more than walking
> incubators with timers, or similar to insects going through life stages that
> are beyond our control, and that we can't really have a life we can truly call
> our own because we're supposed be serving a utilitarian function.
wait wait wait... you mean your life isn't INCOMPLETE?!? Holy
shattered illusions, Batman!
Noelle
news:jmetz-FC9C5B....@newsr1.tampabay.rr.com...
> But perhaps more than anything else, the absolution of all
> responsibility becomes the most infuriating. Columbine is the result of
> negative influences of Marilyn Manson, or the Matrix, but couldn't
> *possibly* be bad parenting or other, abusive teenagers.
Silly man. Everyone KNOWS it was the black trenchcoats! :)
(Good letter, but I predict the point will be missed by the person for whom
it was intended.)
--
The universe is laughing behind your back.
--Lazarus Churchyard
Steve Lamb
> Silly man. Everyone KNOWS it was the black trenchcoats! :)
*looks shocked, eyes his black trenchcoat laying out on the table at work,
moves slowly to hopefully get it out of view before someone notices.*
Terrie Strike
>On Wed, 24 Apr 2002 18:55:50 GMT, J Metz <jm...@communiweb.net> wrote:
>> Allow me to clarify some basic misconceptions regarding Child-free
>> attitudes that you post on your website
>
> Ooooo Archivist!
Second this! Great letter.
-Terrie
Terrie Strike
>"J Metz" <jm...@communiweb.net> wrote in message
>news:jmetz-FC9C5B....@newsr1.tampabay.rr.com...
>
>> But perhaps more than anything else, the absolution of all
>> responsibility becomes the most infuriating. Columbine is the result of
>> negative influences of Marilyn Manson, or the Matrix, but couldn't
>> *possibly* be bad parenting or other, abusive teenagers.
>
>Silly man. Everyone KNOWS it was the black trenchcoats! :)
>
*eyes her trenchcoat* Well, yeah, it's black. But it's also leather.
Therefore, I'm clean when it comes to Columbine, but I am a Satanist and
resposbile for the great conspiracy.
-Terrie
Lorz
Veronique
> attitudes that you post on your website
[snip words of fire]
ARCHIVIST! This is absolutely fantastic. Thank you for verbalizing all
that I feel (as a non-hater of children but loather of the diminished
world of "child-friendly")
V.
--
Veronique Chez Sheep
Love will get you like a case of anthrax.
MrBee
*snip*
*snip*
This entire essay was wonderful, and I would just add two more to the
list:
*Parents who think that their child(ren) can do no wrong.
*Parents who think that their own inappropriate, rude, irresponsible
and stupid actions can be excused with, "But I have a child!" or "I
did it for my kid(s)!"
Tom
LadySycamore
I agree. To the archives, right away! :-)
--
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those
who mind don't matter and
those who matter don't mind" . ~Dr. Seus
actforchange:
http://www.workingforchange.com/activism/index.cfm
[think critically]