Lessons from my son's short life
Brian Holtz
died from a catastrophic and inexplicable infarction in his bowels. This
has been a horrible experience for us, but we are drawing strength from
each other, our 17-month-old daughter, our families and friends -- and from
the principles and values by which we live. Blake's short life has taught
me a few things, some of which I'd like to share.
1. I'm less superstitious than I feared I might be under circumstances like
these. I can find in myself no fear that Blake's death is 1) punishment
from some gods for my disbelief in them, or 2) karmic payback to balance
all the good fortune I've had in my life. The latter fear is allayed by all
the evidence of imbalance in the fortunes of so many people. The former
fear is canceled by the awareness that such gods would be morally inferior
to me if killing my son were their punishment for me. I see Blake's death
as neither evidence for a vengeful God nor counter-evidence against a
benevolent God. The Problem of Evil was not a dispositive argument against
theism before Blake died, and it isn't one now.
2. My grief for Blake is based primarily on the combination of my intense
devotion to him and my sadness that his experience ended so early. If
instead of dying he had merely been separated from me for the rest of his
happy life (e.g. as an adoptee), my grief would be much less. And if
instead of such permanent separation he were merely waiting for me in some
afterlife paradise, then my grief would be close to nonexistent. This makes
me quite skeptical about any grieving parent who would claim firm belief
that his dead infant is in heaven. Truly believing this should make such a
death yield not grief but joy, tinged perhaps only by the sort of
wistfulness one might feel for not having conceived one more child after
one's youngest. That wistfulness of course cannot compare to the
stomach-knotting grief that even the most religious parents must feel after
losing a baby as we lost Blake. I conclude that such parents really don't
believe in heaven as palpably as, e.g., a mother believes in the continued
existence of a child given up for adoption
3. As tempting as it has always been to believe in an afterlife for myself,
it is even more tempting to believe that Blake is in heaven right now.
Unfortunately, there is no credible evidence for an afterlife, and too much
evidence that belief in it derives more from emotional need than from
critical thought. I believe Blake's experience now is like it was one year
ago, and like how mine will someday be: painless non-existence. Blake lives
on only in our hearts and in our memories, just as I hope to live on
through my genes and my memes.
4. Losing Blake has increased my appreciation for that which I value, as
well as my awareness of how important it is to have a coherent worldview
built on strong values and rational principles. We understand that Blake's
death was not a part of some god's mysterious plan, nor a meaningless event
in a cruel universe. Rather, his short life was like any other: a life to
celebrate and give meaning to and yield positive contribution from. We hope
that Blake's life will ultimately have made the world a better place by
inspiring those who know his story to create and share some of the extra
love and vitality and wisdom that we believe the world would have gotten
from him.
--
br...@holtz.org
http://humanknowledge.net
JeffMo
>On Sep 14 2001 my wife and I held our 8-day-old son Blake in our arms as he
>died
Brian, I can only imagine how hard it must be to go through something
like this.
I thank you (and admire you) for sharing your story, which definitely
speaks against the fear-mongering position held and promoted by all
too many theists. Like the propagation of the "no atheists in
foxholes" myth, it forces me to question the integrity of those who
appear to gain a degree of satisfaction as they "righteously" warn us
infidels that we will "come to God" in times of hardship or grief.
Following a point you touched on in your post, I always wonder who
they are trying harder to convince: us, or themselves.
With much respect to you and yours,
JeffMo
Earle Jones
"Brian Holtz" <Brian...@sun.com> wrote:
> On Sep 14 2001 my wife and I held our 8-day-old son Blake in our arms as he
> died from a catastrophic and inexplicable infarction in his bowels. This
> has been a horrible experience for us, but we are drawing strength from
> each other, our 17-month-old daughter, our families and friends -- and from
> the principles and values by which we live. Blake's short life has taught
> me a few things, some of which I'd like to share.
[...]
*
Brian: I am very sorry to hear about your recent loss. I extend my
deepest sympathy to you and your family.
Almost exactly thirty years ago, in 1971, my wife and I had a very
similar experience. Our son Eric was born with some birth defects that
we knew would terminate his life early. He lived only five or six days.
Neither of us felt any "guilt", in the sense that we might have done
something wrong during his development, but we were determined to learn
as much as possible about the process.
I checked out several books on embryology, developmental anatomy, etc.
It was good to learn about exactly what happens during this first phase
of life. We learned that there are dozens, if not hundreds, of points
along the way in fetal development, that a microchange in the womb can
result in a massive change in the developing fetus.
We had already had our first child: Andrea was born in 1968. After the
loss of our son, we decided to look into adoption. It took a couple of
years, but in 1975, we adopted our second daughter. She was four years
old.
Fast forward: Andrea is now married and living in Pasadena. a graduate
of UCLA, she is the Marketing Director for a company in Southern
California. Eileen, a graduate of U. of Oregon, lives in Seattle and is
working on a teaching credential -- she wants to teach underprivileged
high-school kids.
I am now 70 years old. I have a great wife and two great kids.
Who could ask for anything more?
earle
*
BTW, I greatly enjoyed your website. Thanks.
RBR
jef...@dipstick.cfw.com (JeffMo) wrote:
>"Brian Holtz" <Brian...@sun.com> wrote:
>
>Like the propagation of the "no atheists in
>foxholes" myth, it forces me to question the integrity of those who
>appear to gain a degree of satisfaction as they "righteously" warn us
>infidels that we will "come to God" in times of hardship or grief.
>
I'm sure there may have been a few believers scratching their heads
when I failed to "come to god" the year my sister and father died
within 6 months of each other.
Regards.
Rob
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