SITH WAR 2002: Spoiled Pork
Darth Gumby
yard of the Porkinite RASSM Embassy.
"Guys, I have food here! You know you want it!" It called from the door,
shielding it's eyes from the spoilers that were appearing all over.
"I won't spoil you! Now get in there with Jade and Nesha and don't talk to me
until you see the movie!" C'Pi yelled as he fended off an army of reviewer
droids that were coming up the road.
Shrugging, Gumby turned away and took a bite of one of the sausage heroes it had
prepared.
"Archon?" the hanky-hatted bariste called as it pushed a door open. "MY EYES!"
It screamed.
"Do these watermelon underpants make me look fat?" Jade asked Gumby, turning one
way and then the other. Nesha was sitting nearby, hollowing out gourds.
"I... um... you look... lovely... handsome... as ever." Gumby said, averting
its eyes and placing the platter of heroes on a nearby table.
"And fat." Gumby added with a smile, seeing that Jade looked disappointed. The
Archon brightened instantly. "Good. I think I'll wear these when I go to see
the film. How about you? Gourd?" It offered a nice orange gourd to Gumby, who
blinked at it. "Eh, depends on the weather, I heard it might be chilly..."
"They're really warm!" Nesha chimed in. Gumby's eyes bugged for a second until
it noticed Nesha was wearing gourds on her feet.
"Ah, yeah, they look good too... I'm... gonna go... check my e-mail." Gumby
shuffled uncomfortably.
"You know, I don't like the idea of you having that thing here." Jade said,
voicing its disapproval of the PDA Gumby had picked up a while ago. "The Jedi
Hacker could have that thing rigged to go at any second." Shaking its head,
Jade picked up a hero and munched happily while Gumby nodded and shuffled out of
the room.
Taking out its PDA, Gumby began to flip through the mail that had accumulated
over the past few days...
"Free diplomas... delete.... lose 250 pounds... delete! 100% Hot... gosh...
delete.... Increase whatever characteristics are good to have really big on your
gender... delete.... Anakin's mother... dammit, delete."
Then Gumby's eyes saw something it nearly couldn't believe.
"OOOH!" It yelled happily, opening the message.
It's happy expression soon turned to a worried frown.
*****
"Alice is in trouble, we have to help!" Gumby burst into the large dining hall,
picked up a fried eggplant on a stick and looked around at the confused
Porkinites.
"You remember the Jigglypuff singers that showed up in the last Sith War? Made
N'Sync go to sleep?"
C'Pi shuddered, and Muuurgh's brow creased, but everyone else looked on.
"Okay, before you found me drunk and unconscious at the Crossroads that time,
there was someone I used to write to..." Gumby saw even this wasn't making a
dent in eating time.
"Jigglypuffs?" Muuurgh repeated.
"Yes, but they're not like the ones in the holos, these guys are..." Gumby
paused, unsure of how much it should tell.
"Pokémon?" Muuurgh offered.
"Well, yes."
"What are Pokémon doing in RASSM city?"
Gumby waved the PDA. "Writing to me, asking for help because their Master,
Alice, has been taken hostage by The Jedi Hacker! Look!"
Muuurgh's pointing finger tried to follow the PDA. "What is that thing?"
Jade swallowed a bite of food and then cleared its throat. "Gumby." It said,
hoping to say all it wanted to before Muuurgh exploded.
"These are strained times for us, most of RASSM seems to reject us Porkinites,
even though we brought them good food and a free way to dress."
The hundreds of Porkinites in the dining hall grunted their agreement. Gumby
started to say something, but Jade continued.
"The Jedi Hacker has yet to cause any real damage, still I much prefer not
finding probes in my bed or in my loofah."
Gumby started to blubber.
"But he's gonna spoil her!"
"Better her than me!" Muuurgh burst out, then looked around sheepishly as Jade
fixed its gaze on him. "Oh yeah, that's right, I've seen it."
Gumby looked at its feet, suddenly its face brightened.
"She brews beer." It said with a sly grin.
A collective "Ooh?" passed through the hall.
"And if we were to rescue her, the beer would be..."
"What?" one Porkinite near Gumby asked.
"Well, the best beer you could imagine!"
A murmur went up from the ranks of Porkinites.
Jade smiled at Gumby. "Meet with these Pokémon, if they are who they say they
are and really need our services, bring them back here."
Gumby looked confused. Jade motioned to Gumby to come closer so it could speak
with it privately. "If you can pull this off on your own, it's probably better
not to freak Muuurgh out with the Pokémon, okay?"
Gumby let out a low whine.
"We may be able to offer our assistance, however I need to ensure that I will
not be spoiled, you know I haven't seen the movie yet and I don't plan to for at
least another two years, you haven't been bothered by exposure yet, and you know
these guys, so you get to go. Have Beef pack you a lunch." Jade said, giving
Gumby a friendly shove towards the door.
"Thank them for knocking N'Sync out!" It called after Gumby with a wave.
*****
Across the street, in a web cafe, on their third pitcher of lemonade, Alice's
Pokémon began to think perhaps their old friend needed a reminder to read its
mail.
"We could tap into the local radio feed," Seanpuff mused. "as I recall it was
rather fond of listening to the polka station."
"What if we shine a big signal up into the sky?" Hamillpuff offered.
"What would the signal be? A handkerchief? A lemon?" Ianpuff sighed. "No,
there must be some other way."
"A finger?" Ewanpuff smirked. The others looked at him. "We want help, not an
entire city offended." Ianpuff told him.
The Jigglypuffs were interrupted by Hot ROddishes leaves rustling. They looked
from him to the window and saw a small figure shuffling nervously across the
street, trying to avoid a group of Yoda Fights With a Green Lightsaber chanters.
"It's about time!" Seanpuff declared, adjusting his hat and striding towards the
door.
The Pokémon, noticing people staring, began talking in their Pokémon tongue to
each other, boarded their speeders and headed off to meet Alice's old pal.
SUMMARY:
Gumby has received an urgent message from Alice's Pokémon, asking for help after
she was taken hostage by The Jedi Hacker at the end of Sith War 9. It is going
to meet with them.
The Porkinites are under attack by spoilers as well as anti-Porkinite
extremists, and I'm leaving it up to Jade, C'Pi, Nesha and Muuurgh to decide if
their characters are going to help Gumby or not. (*looks at the others
hopefully*)
('Puffs, I hope I wrote you well, it was an honor. :) )
(Jade, forgive me for envisioning you as Mace Windu the way I wrote that last
dining hall scene.)
--
DarthGumby
remove MyHelmet to e-mail me.
I want to look upon your e-mail... with my own eyes... *wheeze*
--Anywhere my computer hangs is home
Michael Ponte (Love Machine)
> Gumby has received an urgent message from Alice's Pokémon, asking for help
after
> she was taken hostage by The Jedi Hacker at the end of Sith War 9. It is
going
> to meet with them.
>
> The Porkinites are under attack by spoilers as well as anti-Porkinite
> extremists, and I'm leaving it up to Jade, C'Pi, Nesha and Muuurgh to
decide if
> their characters are going to help Gumby or not. (*looks at the others
> hopefully*)
As Jade and Gumby discuss helping Alice's Pokemon, A spy is within thier
midst. Jade pushes Gumby out the door. The group continues with business and
eating of course.
Reaching into his cloak, the stranger withdraws a thermal detonator! He arms
it and hurls it towards the center of the dining hall. The infiltrator finds
cover within a corner as the explosive goes off weakening the structure and
causing large portions of the ceiling to cave in!
Sections of the room are on fire and a large dust cloud covers all. Many
anonymous Porkinites lie bleeding on the floor. Several are dead, further
decimating the already besieged Porkinites! Of couse all the "Name" people
are just knocked out, not dead. The Spy walks forward and drops a note into
the hand of the Unconcious Jade.
LONG LIVE GONK!
The spy runs outside and hops onto his speeder. Once he is a safe distance
away, he activates his holo projector and makes contact with his Dark Lord:
"The force is with us Lord Crumb. I have attacked the Porkinites and left
clues as to the involvenment of the Gonkites. The War will start very
soon..."
"....excellent..."
"If I may say sir, Your english lessons are coming along quite well..."
"...thank...you..."
"As per the plan, our next target is...."
"...shhhhhh....don't give it away ... :)"
"Of course my Lord. The SSSC shall triumph!"
SUMMARY: Porkinites have debated whether to help Alice's Pokemon. After
Gumby leaves, a Spy blows up the Dining Hall of the Porkinites and drops a
note implicating the Gonkites.
The spy later makes contact with his leader- the EVIL Darth Salacious Crumb,
revealing a plot to start another Sith War.
--
Long Live Salacious Crumb....
Michael Ponte: The Love Machine
super...@attbi.com
President of the International Society of Gold Leader Enthusiasts (ISGLE)
Veteran of Celebration I and II
"Someone asked me yesterday if Dracula met Saruman and there was a fight,
who would win. I just looked at this man. What an idiotic thing to say. I
mean, really, it was half-witted." -Christopher Lee
Visit Quantum Piett: http://www.geocities.com/quantumpiett/
And Ponte Central: http://www.geocities.com/pontecentral/
Darth Gumby
>SUMMARY: Porkinites have debated whether to help Alice's Pokemon. After
>Gumby leaves, a Spy blows up the Dining Hall of the Porkinites and drops a
>note implicating the Gonkites.
NOOOOOOOOOO! (That was pretty neat.)
>The spy later makes contact with his leader- the EVIL Darth Salacious Crumb,
>revealing a plot to start another Sith War.
*snickers* I mean... *shivers*
Gumby
--
We have people to fight with! *poing*
ObeeKris
> --
> We have people to fight with! *poing*
I still have yet to start my revenge against the Porkinites too. <eg>
ObeeKris
Beware of pissed-off penguins.
Darth Gumby
I want to see the penguins in action. *rubs hands together and waits*
Gumby
--
"I think my brain hurts"
-- Prof. C.H. Gumby, from I, Gumby
ObeeKris
> On 28 May 2002 17:18:30 -0700, ObeeKris transmitted this:
> >> Gumby
> >> --
> >> We have people to fight with! *poing*
> >
> >I still have yet to start my revenge against the Porkinites too. <eg>
> >
> >ObeeKris
> >Beware of pissed-off penguins.
>
> I want to see the penguins in action. *rubs hands together and waits*
Still have to figure out a good way into the current War.
ObeeKris
Rainbow Heron
<DarthMyHe...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>"Free diplomas... delete.... lose 250 pounds... delete! 100% Hot... gosh...
>delete.... Increase whatever characteristics are good to have really big on your
>gender... delete.... Anakin's mother... dammit, delete."
<snickers like a loon>
>"What if we shine a big signal up into the sky?" Hamillpuff offered.
>
>"What would the signal be? A handkerchief? A lemon?" Ianpuff sighed. "No,
>there must be some other way."
>
>"A finger?" Ewanpuff smirked.
ROTFLMH&AO!!!
>('Puffs, I hope I wrote you well, it was an honor. :) )
<'Puffs cheer and clap VERY approvingly!!!>
Well done Gumby!!!
-Rainbow Heron
(sig says that 'Puffs can be chatty ;-) )
We just may have to let you write them again! :-D
==========================================
http://web.infoave.net/~rkanderson/rassm/swc.htm
Rainbow Heron's Sith War Characters Page
==========================================
Jell-o jigglers are like Gak
...except they don't make that fart noise.