[Sith War 2003] State Of The Rassm Address AND Sith War/D.O.L.L./Rassm Auction!
Politically Correct Star Wars Fan
new Palace on Planet Rassm.
"Excellent, do they still acknowledge me being their ruler?" The
Leader said from it's throne.
"I don't know yet Sir but I don't think so, it literally just started.
But considering how most of the people in the war behave, it's
doubtful they'll recognize your authority. I've already heard talk
about Emperor Annoying Man." Ulca said fearfully.
"Well hell, that sucks. And most of my troops from last time
disbanded. I'm going to need new troops, new weapons, new plot . . .
Though I like Annoying Man, I find him much less annoying than the
others. Oh the sweet irony." The Leader said.
"You don't need to replace me, right Sir?"
"Of course not Ulca, but I have an idea. We're going to have the first
ever, well, first that I know of at any rate, RASSM, Star Wars, Sith
War auction." The Leader said behind it's mask.
"Uh, how do we do that?"
"Just do as I say."
* * *
Communication systems across the known galaxy were interrupted as
President The Leader was displayed on the screens in front of the
Official Rassm Seal. "Greetings all of my citizens, this is the State
Of The Rassm Union Address and Auction. As you all know, or should
know, I am your duly stolen elected President, though I'm not Annoying
Man, who is your Emperor. Due to some odd misfiling we're both in
charge or something, I prefer not to dwell on this matter. I will,
however, tell you in this broadcast how things are, who our enemies
are and will give you all the opportunity to buy memorabilia or other
things. So, here we begin.
"Rassm is doing fine . . . really. Our allies are strong with us, and
I am confident that our enemies, those LoTRians shall be defeated once
our allies fully see the damage they pose to our box office. We shall
strike hard, fast and without mercy. We shall expose the homosexual
relationship between their leaders Sam and Frodo. These beings pose no
threat to us. As such, Rassm is still good. I'm still your ruler. Jobs
and free crap to all.
"Now, on to the auction. As a special bundle deal we are auctioning
off the 'plots' of all previous Sith Wars. Did you like a plot thread
from a previous Sith War? Buy them all and pick and choose your own
plot. Hate all previous Sith Wars? Buy this and make sure that what
has come before is never repeated. The opening bid on this is 1,000
Rassm Credits and there is no reserve.
"Next we have a bundled collection of Steve McQueen memorabilia which
played a role in the last Sith War. All of these items were to be
used, or were confiscated. We have autographs, personal photos and
two automotives all signed by Steve McQueen. Opening bid will be
250,000 Rassm Credits.
"This next item is not actually a part of the Sith War, but may be of
interest to D.O.L.L. members. This is a jock strap that was actually
worn by Hayden in the making of 'Attack Of The Clones'. Feel closer
to Hayden by holding his jewel protector close to yourself. Opening
bid is 50,000 Rassm Credits.
"Along a similar vain, we have the actual orange flight suit that was
worn by none other than . . . Wedge Antilles! Do you wish you were
flying at a Death Star? Do you just love the man? Then bid on this
item. 50,000 Rassm Credits to open.
"Well, if I'm selling flight suits then I must sell this one.
Slightly singed, but still remarkably together I am offering up
Porkin's flight suit. You can still see the food stains and smell
some of the Pork himself on it. This item opens at 50,000 Rassm
Creds.
"Next up we have an autographed cd of 'Lobot's House Of Funk'
including Lobot's own funky renditions of classics such as 'Play That
Funky Music Yuzzum' and 'Yavin Jungle Boogie' to Lobot funking up
modern tunes of 'Who Let The Ewoks Out' and 'Force Yourself (Shake
That Ass)'. This is a must have for Lobot fans everywhere. Opening
bid 1,000 Rassm Creds.
"This next item is another special treat. A George Foreman's
Anti-Griller. Made by George especially for people who want to trap
the fat in. It is officially endorsed by George and Porkins, and is
autographed by both. Starts at 15,000 Rassm Creds.
"Next item is a Sith Warrior tra . . . Pardon me a moment."
The Leader steps off camera and his voice is still heard across the
connection. "I thought he was frozen as a female form of himself, you
know, Drakette."
"He was Sir, but do to a Sith War reset he reverted to being male.
But he's still trapped in the carbonite with the vibrating Gonk
dildo."
"Very well Ulca, but we need to make sure that doesn't happen again."
The Leader says before stepping back in front of the camera.
"This next item is an actual Sith Warrior frozen in carbonite with his
side kick vibrator. Yes people, you at home can own Drake and have
your very own Sith Warrior. You can mount him anywhere in the house
you'd like, I figure he's appreciate it actually. More to the point
you can use him as an example for your family of what not to be.
Openning bidding to start at 25,000 Rassm Credits with no reserve.
"Next we have a lightsaber that, when activated, is not only purple
bladed but has the words 'Bad Mutha Fucka' on the actual blade. Own
this blade and next time you come across someone of another species
you don't understand you can whip it out and go 'Basic motherfucker,
do you speak it?' Opening bid is 75,000 Rassm Credits.
"This next one was taken from the confiscated personal collection of
Drake. Here we have an actual pair of fake nipple implants used in
'Attack Of The Clones' to help Natalie Portman have more screen
presence. Must have for perverts and the like. Bidding starts at
25,000 for the pair.
"This item, another for the D.O.L.L. I believe is a dvd of the movie
'The Pillow Book', it is autographed by Ewan and has his home address
included. This movie contains Ewan's best lightsaber work. Bidding
starts at 50,000 Rassm Creds.
"Though there are many items left I end this now with another item
taken from Drake. This item I believe may be the most sought after.
We have here the complete copy of the Rassm Family Tree. Are you on
it and wish you weren't? Buy it and destroy it. Want to edit out
some members of the family? Want to make yourself part of someone's
family? Want to, for once and for all, erase your 'relationship' to
someone? The options are unlimited. Because of the value of this
item, bidding starts at 500,000 Rassm Credits. Small price to pay to
no longer be related to someone.
"Good evening all, and happy bidding. Auction ends Midnight on
February 5th, Eastern. Bids posted prior to midnight but not showing
up to me before that will not be counted. Good luck." The Leader
said before resuming regular broadcasting.
* * *
"How'd I look on tv? I didn't look fat did I?" The Leader says as he
rewatches himself on tv.
"No Sir, you looked stunning as always sir." Ulca says nervously.
"Kind of you to say. Anyway, after the auction is over and I have
some cash I'm going to enter the war more fully. I have no clue
what's going on this war, but I'll be more active. Just swoop in and
fuck everyone's plans up. It should be rather fun." The Leader said
as he relaxed.
"Sir, don't you think we should have some kind of goal for this war?
Some enemy we set our sights upon?" Ulca asked nervously.
"I'll decide something later. Maybe those LoTRians or Potterias.
Might even just go after Spideas. We'll just amass and wait then
attack someone. Should be terrible fun."
"Very well Sir, also, do you have any intentions of letting people
know who you really are this war?"
"I might, though there are a few who already suspect who I am.
Perhaps they'll figure out who I really am overall. Maybe that will
be my grand revelation toward the end of this war, they'll find out
just who this bint is." The Leader said as he . . . or who seems a
he, prepared for bed.
"Very good Sir, goodnight Sir." Ulca said, taking the cue and turning
the lights off as he left.
______
Summary:
The Leader mulls over his place in the war and just how he is
President while Annoying Man is Emperor.
The Leader tells Rassm that everything is good and fine and then sells
stuff so he can fund his new army.
The Leader ponders his appearance on tv, tries to determine who his
enemies should be this war and hints at finally revealing who he, or
she, is actually.
-Dr. Stryangepjörk
"Politically Correct Star Wars Fan" <pcsta...@hotmail.com> wrote in
message news:838adea7.03012...@posting.google.com...
*Muuurgh raises hand*
>
> "Next up we have an autographed cd of 'Lobot's House Of Funk'
> including Lobot's own funky renditions of classics such as 'Play That
> Funky Music Yuzzum' and 'Yavin Jungle Boogie' to Lobot funking up
> modern tunes of 'Who Let The Ewoks Out' and 'Force Yourself (Shake
> That Ass)'. This is a must have for Lobot fans everywhere. Opening
> bid 1,000 Rassm Creds.
>
> "This next item is another special treat. A George Foreman's
> Anti-Griller. Made by George especially for people who want to trap
> the fat in. It is officially endorsed by George and Porkins, and is
> autographed by both. Starts at 15,000 Rassm Creds.
>
*Muuurgh touches nose*
> "Next item is a Sith Warrior tra . . . Pardon me a moment."
>
> The Leader steps off camera and his voice is still heard across the
> connection. "I thought he was frozen as a female form of himself, you
> know, Drakette."
>
> "He was Sir, but do to a Sith War reset he reverted to being male.
> But he's still trapped in the carbonite with the vibrating Gonk
> dildo."
>
> "Very well Ulca, but we need to make sure that doesn't happen again."
> The Leader says before stepping back in front of the camera.
>
> "This next item is an actual Sith Warrior frozen in carbonite with his
> side kick vibrator. Yes people, you at home can own Drake and have
> your very own Sith Warrior. You can mount him anywhere in the house
> you'd like, I figure he's appreciate it actually. More to the point
> you can use him as an example for your family of what not to be.
> Openning bidding to start at 25,000 Rassm Credits with no reserve.
>
*Muuurgh puts elbow in ear*
Was this a silent auction? Or are we supposed to yell "50,000!!"
-Muuurgh
Darth Gumby
*Gumby excitedly pokes self in eye*
--
"I think my brain hurts"
-- Prof. C.H. Gumby, from I, Gumby
-Dr. Stryangepjörk
"Darth Gumby" <Darth...@notmail.com> wrote in message
news:4odj3vsmvivcbu6t7...@4ax.com...
*Muuurgh raises both hands*
Darth Gumby
*Gumby excitedly attempts to poke Muuurgh in eye, pokes self again*
Anne
> >> >> interest to D.O.L.L. members. This is a jock strap that was actually
> >> >> worn by Hayden in the making of 'Attack Of The Clones'.
> >> >>
> >> >> 'The Pillow Book', it is autographed by Ewan and has his home address
> >> >> included. This movie contains Ewan's best lightsaber work.
How'd I miss this the first time through?
<sigh>
- Anne, always late for the auction
Kim Le
Correct Star Wars Fan) wrote:
<snip>
>The Leader ponders his appearance on tv, tries to determine who his
>enemies should be this war and hints at finally revealing who he, or
>she, is actually.
I have 10 rassm credits that the Leader is long-absent rassmer
Gerthein. Who's going to bet against me?
-- Kim Le
-Dr. Stryangepjörk
"Kim Le" <sq...@poik.net> wrote in message
news:3e3ad0a9...@news.dallas.sbcglobal.net...
Me. I say it's Bill.
-Muuurgh
Bill "not the pony" Anderson
>
> -- Kim Le
policrat'
board!
[squints at Kim Le]
Does this squid look a little like Gollum to anyone else?
> -- Kim Le
Pol'
Drake
"policrat'" <policr...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:BA6156C9.1B0B%policr...@hotmail.com...
Ack! Now I have this mental... er, auditory, image of the same person who
massacred a Christmas song going on and on about their precious... Hehe.
Drake
Sara Waterfall
it a weasel.
It's not Gerthein. He has a better sense of humor...unless poor
Gertie's suffered some blunt force trauma to the head.
Reminds me of tmarie's writing, actually. Not that it will ever
matter--this war automatically sucks due to Hacker's continued
existence.
Sal
-such a shame, really
--
MiSTie #92866, death-bitch, and all around wonderful person.
"I sat in my apartment, drinking Scotch, growing more and more morose.
Then Mulder came over and we fucked like rabbits all weekend. I felt a
lot better afterwards." - Skinner, Free Agents
cshore.com enjoys getting email for lull.
Penguinista
> Reminds me of tmarie's writing, actually. Not that it will ever
> matter--this war automatically sucks due to Hacker's continued
> existence.
>
> Sal
> -such a shame, really
If one person can wreck the war, what does that say about the impotence
of the other players?
Kim Le
That they'd rather be impotent than participate in your sucky Sith
War?
Kim Le
- yes, folks, trying to kill sith wars since sith war IV
Sara Waterfall
You're making the fatal assumption that what you write can even be
salvaged for comedic value. This simply isn't so, as there is nothing
less entertaining than a geek indulging in largely sexual fantasies of
omnipotence, except possibly being shit on by a diarrhetic elephant.
But I will give you that the Sith War faction haven't chosen to simply
ignore whatever you write makes me question their collective
intelligence.
Sal
-maybe it's time for another RASSM summit to discuss sanctions?...nah.
--
MiSTie #92866, death-bitch, and all around wonderful person.
"We were once so close to heaven, Peter came out and gave us medals
declaring us the nicest of the damned." - They Might Be Giants
Rainbow Heron
wrote:
>But I will give you that the Sith War faction haven't chosen to simply
>ignore whatever you write makes me question their collective
>intelligence.
I'll certainly give y'all this:
Hopefully (cross your fingers) I'll be able to start making and
uploading .zip files. When I'm able to do so for the Sith Wars, I'll
make 2 versions available for Sith Wars 2002 and 2003:
#1-the complete version for you sadistic types
and
#2-the "painless" version that would be Hackerless
I for one am hoping not to mention or consider Hackboy in any of my
own future Sith War posts and I consider that Ted reference in my most
recent post to be the end of it.
I don't think it's a matter of intelligence, Sal, but rather "don't
feed the troll". I'm certainly trying not to.
-Rainbow Heron
(sig will do its best to make sure that RH can keep that up)
And if Hack tries to attack my characters in any of his posts, I
simply won't acknowledge 'em and carry on as if nothing happened.
==========================================
http://web.ftc-i.net/~rkanderson/rassm/swc.htm
Rainbow Heron's Sith War Characters Page
==========================================
I'm gonna kick their asses! And then I'm gonna kick their butts!
And when I'm done kicking their donkeys and cigarettes,
I'm gonna kick THEM!
Steve...@rightbehindyou.com
> But I will give you that the Sith War faction haven't chosen to simply
> ignore whatever you write makes me question their collective
> intelligence.
I am coming around to this view. If and when I get a chance to write for
this one, I'll probably stick to the LOTR angle and ignore H***er.
Steve Tilson
--
The avalanche has begun. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.
policrat'
on board!
> Did I leave the gas on, Penguinista? No, I'm a fucking squirrel.
>
>> Sara Waterfall wrote:
>>> Reminds me of tmarie's writing, actually. Not that it will ever
>>> matter--this war automatically sucks due to Hacker's continued
>>> existence.
>>>
>>> Sal
>>> -such a shame, really
>>
>> If one person can wreck the war, what does that say about the impotence
>> of the other players?
>
> You're making the fatal assumption that what you write can even be
> salvaged for comedic value. This simply isn't so, as there is nothing
> less entertaining than a geek indulging in largely sexual fantasies of
> omnipotence, except possibly being shit on by a diarrhetic elephant.
>
> But I will give you that the Sith War faction haven't chosen to simply
> ignore whatever you write makes me question their collective
> intelligence.
There's a faint flicker of... of *something*... in HackBoy these days...
Och, look, your Worshipfulness... indulge us like we indulge you...
> Sal
> -maybe it's time for another RASSM summit to discuss sanctions?...nah.
Maybe it's time for The Adventures of Farmboy ?
;)
Pol'