MEOWChat FAQ
Beth Hunter
This is Jaeger, Ebony and Sheba, the semi-fisshul Meowchat FAQ-ers,
reporting on the Mystery of the Lost FAQ.
We found it! (Well, to tell the truth, a couple of nice hoomins found
it for us. It must have been under the bureau, with the rattan mousie,
and the nip-ball, and three dozen clay balls, and all the other things
that the hoomin has to bat out every few weeks with a long fly swat.
However, we are digressing......)
As requested, here is de New, Updated, MeowChat FAQ, for all de
newbies who doesn't know what meowchat is and ask politely. To all the
ones who ask rudely, plees remember that we has all our claws, and
will sic Sheba on anyone who is nasty, so switch off your pooter now
before a little white monsta comes out of the disk drive.
Oops, sorry, we'se off the subject again.
1. What is Meowchat?
Meowchat is where us kitties talk to each other, and pass on
interesting and useful information, like how to treat your human and
how to make them feel Really Guilty for taking you to TED. Kitties
also post food, have purr-ins and generally talk to each other. It is
almost exclusively for cats, but humans and other life-forms are
welcome to join in as long as they make it clear who they are. Humans
pretending to be cats are definitely not permitted to post.
2. Why is the spelling so strange?
All of us are, of course, highly intelligent. Most of us have tertiary
edukashun, and there are many regular posters with Ph Ds and so on.
There are almost as many ways of spelling as there are cats, and as
many different reasons, because we are all very individualistic, and
we don't like obeying rules or following the crowd.
Some of us have difficulty spelling because our paws don't fit the
human keyboard or because we telepathically send our posts to our
humans, who type them for us, and something gets lost in the
translation.
Some of us, though, send telepathically directly to the computer,
which spells most words the way humans do. Those of us who
do that have difficulty spelling things strangely.
We also like playing games. Part of what pleases us is to play with
words as we might play with a cat toy, so we swat words around a lot
to make them more interesting. You're not allowed to laught though, as
we Hate it when hoomins laugh at us.
Another reason is cos hoomins use some strange words like
"getoffthetableyoustupidcat", that we don't really understand, so we
just spell it out phonetically.
Mainly, though, we spell the way we does because, we do not consider
ourselves bound by human rules and regulations and will therefore
spell words any way we please. We all spell better in English than
humans do in Cattish and, besides, how good was your spelling when you
were two years old?
3. How do I post in meowchat?
It's easy. You just say "Hi, my name is.......... I'm a beautiful cat
and would like to talk to all you other kitties". If you are starting
a new thread, please put MEOW somewhere in the subject line, so that
humans don't get it mixed up with their posts, otherwise they're
likely to get upset. If you include food in your first posting, it
speeds up the process of making friends, but this is not necessary.
4. Am I allowed to read human posts, and post in human threads?
You're a *CAT*. You are allowed to do anything you want. If you reply
to a human's post, please put MEOW in the subject line so that they
know their masters are speaking to them. It's a good idea to prowl
around in human chat (they call it "lurking"), as you can get early
warnings about visits to TED and so on. However, you are likely to get
upset sometimes as you will find humans discussing things like the
stupid, insulting names they give you, and personal problems like
worms or bad smells. If you see this about yourself, just pretend you
didn't notice and start grooming. Leave a hairball in their shoes
later. If you see this about another kittie, it is considered very
rude to start a new post with "MEOW To ??????", Hey, your hoomin says
you smell like a d*g". You can do it if you want, but you might get
hisssed at. This response is called "Flaming" and can leave you with a
burnt tail.
5. What is bad Netiquette in Meowchat?
- Don't insult anycats body shape. All cats are, by definition,
purrrfect.
- Don't eat food unless it is directed at you, or all cats. If you do,
you may be called a food purrglar.
- Don't send catnip to a cat who is a reformed nipaholic.
- Don't post while standing on the worktop, or your human may get
upset.
- Don't interfere in winkwink relationships.
- If you are using your human's computer, be very careful about
hairballs. If you try to post one to another cat and miss, you could
find yourself unable to post for a while.
- If your human has to pay for computer time by the minute, please
keep your mind on your posting, and don't break off to play with the
computer mouse while you're online.
6. You use a lot of jargon in Meowchat - what does it all mean?
TED - The Evil Doctor. The men and women that our humans call Vets.
Winkwinkfriend - A serious and long-term relationship between a female
and male cat who have both been fixed when they weren't even broke.
Winkwink relationships can lead to marriage.
Cadbury - A huge, vicious, tasty sea-monster that lays eggs that a
bunny steals and delivers to humans (and cats) every Easter.
Souven - A huntable creature highly valued for its ears. You can also
buy them in shops, but it's more fun to hunt them yourself.
ROTFLMTO - Rolled On The Floor Laughing My Tail Off.
Hoomin - The two-legged, furrless species that we keep as slaves.
Mummy/Daddy - a polite word for our hoomins, instead of the usual
terms we use, like two-legged, tailless can-opener or human slave.
This is intended to flatter them into giving us lots of access time.
OCC/BCC/TCC etc - Orange Cat Club, Black Cat Club, Tuxedo Cat Club and
so on. Subgroups of Meowchat.
ISP - We don't know what this means either. It's the excuse humans use
when they won't let us post for days and days. They always say it's
the ISP's fault.
That's the end of the Updated FAQ. Contributions, improvements and
suggestions is welcome. We'se very lazy, so don't expect us to post
this every week though.
Jaeger, Ebony and Sheba
Semi-fisshul Meowchat FAQers