ABC Cancels Entire Schedule
Mr. Dabney Wentworth Hole
<Thu Oct 3, 8:02 PM ET
By Michael Benedetto
HOLLYWOOD (PU) - In a move that has surprised many industry insiders,
ABC decided to cancel their entire schedule Thursday morning. ABC
chairman Lloyd Braun and president of entertainment Susan Lyne relayed
the news in a press conference Thursday afternoon.
Although ABC's ratings woes have been no secret, some optimistic media
analysts had felt the Disney-owned broadcaster's fall slate of
programming could help turn the network around. Couple that with braun's
and lyne's vows to pledge patience on the new skeins, and it seemed the
alphabet net would keep their itchy trigger fingers in check.
10 days into the television season, ABC brass threw in the towel on the
whole primetime lineup.
"Cancelling our entire schedule was definitely the hardest move we've
had to make in our 60 years of history here at ABC," Braun told
reporters. "Drew Carey, Barbara Walters, Dennis Franz, Dylan McDermott,
Damon Wayans, Jim Belushi, Jennifer Garner, Drew Carey, John Ritter,
John Hannah, John Madden, Bonnie Hunt, Tony Shalhoub, George Lopez, Drew
Carey, Sara Rue, Tom Bergeron, James Bulliard, Derek Cecil and Drew
Carey have all been an absolute joy to watch week in and week out. We
look forward to working with them again, so we can cancel those shows
too."
"It's clear on the 1 year and 22 day anniversary of 9/11 that viewers
are seeking solace in news and the quality programming found on the
other networks," commented Lyne. "We loved each and every one of these
shows, but they simply weren't working, houseplants weren't even tuning
in, and we needed to shore up the schedule."
The announcement means that all 7 of ABC's new fall series -- "8 Simple
Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter," "Life with Bonnie," "Less Than
Perfect," "MDs," "That Was Then," "Dinotopia" and "Push, Nevada" -- will
join all 13 of the network's returning series, along with 2 movie
franchises and 32-year-old staple "Monday Night Football," on the
scrapheap.
Questioned whether she felt it was a good idea to toss an entire
schedule, Lyne griped, "You give a show to an Madison Ave.-approved18-49
viewer and the Madison Ave.-approved18-49 viewer turns it off, you don't
blame the Madison Ave.-approved18-49 viewer."
"You want to watch reruns of 'Diagnosis Murder' on PAX, fine. But don't
come crying to us because we took your favorite shows away. You had your
chance," argued Braun.
Though many media buyers weren't impressed with most of ABC's fall
freshmen, one of them did stand out from the crowd -- enough to convince
panic-stricken executives at the last-place network that there was still
a glimmer of hope to be found admist the rubble caused by constant
failure and management changes.
"We had high hopes for 'Push, Nevada'," Lyne said. "We thought for sure
we found ourselves a breakout hit -- the sort of broad-appeal program
that could be for us what 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' was before
most of its audience decided to abandon it for some reason we have not
yet been able to conclude."
"Push, Nevada," a high-concept mystery series produced by Ben Affleck,
Matt Damon and Sean Bailey and sponsored by the IRS, was unique in that,
by watching and piecing together the on-screen clues, the home audience
could discover where a million dollars was hidden -- which one lucky
viewer would get to claim.
Unfortunately for ABC, nobody was, in fact, watching.
"When Nielsen reported back that they couldn't even detect a rating on
[the last aired episode of Push, Nevada], we knew our experiment in
pushing the limits had gone seriously, horribly wrong," Lyne stated. "It
was our tentpole show. When your tentpole show fails, it's... it's...
well, it's not good."
"it was such a spectacular failure, it's almost as if it set off a
domino effect that took the rest of our schedule down with it," Braun
added. "Frankly, we don't understand it. We understand why 'Millionaire'
flopped. Nobody wants to sit at home on their couch and see some
schlemiel win a million dollars. But this --- this was different. The
nobody on the couch is the one winning the million!"
When pressed for comment on whether the grand prize winner would still
be able to claim their cash now that "Push" has been axed, Lyne
responded, "No prize money will be awarded, we're afraid," You may have
thought Conan [O'Brien] was joking at the Emmys, but... um..."
Although each and every one of the cancelled programs will leave the air
immediately (with the exception of the special effects-led "Dinotopia,"
which never even made it to the air), Lyne insists the best is yet to
come at ABC.
"Replacements? Oh. Um. Replacements.
Yeah, I... speaking of dominos, I think we got a Domino Rally 2 special
or something. Oh! And David Letterman!
We've now got Dave Letterman. So make sure to watch Letterman every
weeknight, only here on--"
"Susan, uh... no---no, we don't," Braun refuted.
"We... we don't? Sure we--"
"He decided to stay at CBS. Remember? We kept Ted."
"Oh. Ted. Right... Hmm. Yeah, uh, I, err...
Oh, could you excuse me? 'Friends'
is on.">
Best post of October, EVER!!
&&
Mr. Hole
This post reflects the spirit and historical significance of the
collected works of William Shakespeare, H.G. Wells, Charles Dickens,
Mark Twain, and Jack London, although some dramatic license has been
taken.
"I'd like to see soc.cultured.mr.hole.moderated. Due to it's innate
existential instability I bet it would implode within seconds, dragging
all of Usenet into universe-sized black hole from which only posts by
Dan Tropea would escape." -- Captain Infinity
"Well Done, Mr Hole. A tremendous improvement over your usual posts.
Intelligent, with insight and even spelled properly. Have you been
studying, again?" - Helen & Bob
M.I. #1981
How's your hole..............family?
vesicant / Cronan
Lord Vader III
>
> Best post of October, EVER!!
>
> &&
> Mr. Hole
>
> This post reflects the spirit and historical significance of the
> collected works of William Shakespeare, H.G. Wells, Charles Dickens,
> Mark Twain, and Jack London, although some dramatic license has been
> taken.
>
> "I'd like to see soc.cultured.mr.hole.moderated. Due to it's innate
> existential instability I bet it would implode within seconds, dragging
> all of Usenet into universe-sized black hole from which only posts by
> Dan Tropea would escape." -- Captain Infinity
>
> "Well Done, Mr Hole. A tremendous improvement over your usual posts.
> Intelligent, with insight and even spelled properly. Have you been
> studying, again?" - Helen & Bob
>
> M.I. #1981
>
> How's your hole..............family?
> vesicant / Cronan
Did you really have to quote the ENTIRE message for a 5 word reply and a
21 line sig?
LVIII
Blarg
wrote:
>Did you really have to quote the ENTIRE message for a 5 word reply and a
>21 line sig?
It was the first time I read the entire message, and I thank Holey-hole for
quoting it so us lonesome glarfbombers in AFT-S could read it.
Where's your sig? Come to think of it, where's your .sig?
>LVIII
I like you already.
Cheers,
Blarg
"A blarg is a combination of spobbles and nunacks."
-xqed (xq...@nospam.yahoo.com)
Cory
> Did you really have to quote the ENTIRE message for a 5 word reply and a
> 21 line sig?
>
> LVIII
Uh, like you should talk. You reposted his five word reply and 21 line
sig. in your two line follow-up, dickfart.
Pot... Kettle... Black.
--- Cory
Jaime M. de Castellvi
<lord_va...@hotmail.com> wrote:
Lord Vader III,
If you don't watch your Usenet manners, I shall cut your dick with my
lightsaber.
Cheers,
Jaime