OT: What would emperor Constantine do today?
Zartregu
MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
"My fellow citizens" said a visibly moved Putin on national
television, "On the eve of the 2000 presidential elections, many polls
forecasted a victory for [Communist candidate Gennady] Zyuganov. This
would have been a catastrophe for our Russia. Lately, I had been
browsing the literature of a movement that some were asking me to ban
from our country."
"That night, I had a dream" continued Putin. "I saw the logo of
Scientology in the clouds, while a loud voice told me that I would
'vanquish by this sign.' What did I have to lose? So I had a stylized
version of the logo printed on our voting bulletins. As it happened,
this did indeed give me victory." In the rest of the televised
address, Putin vowed to "fulfill his promise to Hubbard."
The worldwide Scientology headquarter in Clearwater, FL (USA) sees
this development as heralding an "age of light" that will endure for
"at least a trillion years." In the short term, the cult's experts
foresee a significant improvement to Russian birth rate, crime,
alcoholism, climate, and the occurrence of the common cold. However,
the suicide rate is not expected to decrease.
Bowing to Mr. Putin's demands, the Scientology headquarters further
announced that a worldwide Scientology "soviet" (Russian for council)
will be held in the city of Novgorod next year. According to local
contacts, the unofficial goal is to clean up the most contradictory
elements of the cult's dogma, to render it more credible as a state
religion.
Although Scientology now claims "millions" of believers in Russia, the
previous consensus estimates amounted to at most a few thousands,
mainly in large cities. Some of these early Russian converts had been
on trial for fraud, which now allows the new state church to denounce
the "persecution of martyrs" who will have to be "avenged."
Still, the latest religious developments have elicited no strong
reaction from a population that is long used to the vagaries of its
rulers.
"All their rants about thetans and Xenu are just plain goofy" says
Valentina V. Ivanova, 35, a Saint Petersburg engineer. "But to be
honest, so were the trinity and the dictatorship of the proletariat."
Along with a first batch of 30 million Russians, Mrs. Ivanova will
undergo her first legally mandated paying "auditing" session in the
next three months.
In his televised address, President Putin invoked the necessity of
uniting the Federation along "a new beginning, with a religion that
will truly free the minds of all Russians."
But a major reason for the choice of the cult may have been financial.
Russia is notoriously unable to levy taxes on its population, with up
to 40% of those taxes remaining unpaid each year. In contrast,
Scientology has proved to be one the most efficient religions in terms
of extracting money from its believers. With the appointment of
Scientologist V. I. Primiakov as its Finance Minister, many hope that
cash will roll again into Russia's state coffers.
However, some question the wisdom of imposing costly "dianetics"
practices on an impoverished population. According to recent
estimates, reaching the highest levels of the cult's hierarchy would
cost an estimated 1,354 years of the median Russian salary.
"These are typical suppressive lies" said Anton Malienky, the head of
the new Federal Church. "All Russians will have the possibility, on
their own free will, to donate their labor in church-run work camps in
Siberia. This will help them pay for their mandatory courses and
auditing sessions."
To rise to these challenges, the Federal Church is rapidly recruiting
its cadres. Every Orthodox priest and former Communist official is
invited to voluntarily train as an "auditor" in the next 30 days.
After that delay, those who did not convert will lose all means of
subsistence.
Other early religious measures have been announced. To improve Russian
work productivity, the church-run Ministry of Information has recently
cut off Internet access across all Russia, and organized bonfires of
modems and network cards. And according to anonymous reports, the
whole population of the Krasnoyarsk region is currently being herded
into movie theaters to watch nonstop showings of "Battlefield Earth."
Despite these developments, most major religions don't see the cult's
agenda as a serious threat.
"It goes without saying that a minor sect cannot possibly take control
of a huge country in a matter of months" says Cardinal Ratzinger, the
head of the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith. "I mean,
it took Christianity decades to subjugate the Roman empire! Believe me
– before long, everybody here will have forgotten these amateurs."
DJ Nozem
>Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
>most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
>conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
>Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
>the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
LOL
Brilliant!
--
We give meaning to each other
DJ Nozem aa#1465
na...@quicknet.nl
Zartregu
> On 17 Jan 2003 14:31:38 -0800, zzo...@hotmail.com (Zartregu) wrote:
>
> >Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>
> >MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
> >most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
> >conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
> >Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
> >the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
>
> LOL
>
> Brilliant!
Thank you, DJ !
@ ANTISPAM @ntlworld.com Jim the Bad
> Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
[snip]
Heh heh! That one from The Onion?
--
JimTheBad@---SPAM...@NTLWorld.com
Vanguard of the Most Unholy Question Mark
Zartregu
> Zartregu wrote:
>
> > Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
> [snip]
>
> Heh heh! That one from The Onion?
No, I am the author. Thank you for your comment!
See you.
Jeremy Martin
>On 17 Jan 2003 14:31:38 -0800, zzo...@hotmail.com (Zartregu) wrote:
>
>>Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>
>>MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
>>most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
>>conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
>>Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
>>the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
>
>LOL
>
>Brilliant!
My blood was boiling, until I realized it was a joke.
--
Jeremy Martin
np: Sentenced - Keep My Grave Open
"Does lotion make you horny?"
- Jesi Johnson
Zartregu
> (D...@slowbitchmail.nl (DJ Nozem)):
>
> >On 17 Jan 2003 14:31:38 -0800, zzo...@hotmail.com (Zartregu) wrote:
> >
> >>Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>
> >>MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
> >>most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
> >>conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
> >>Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
> >>the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
> >
> >LOL
> >
> >Brilliant!
>
> My blood was boiling, until I realized it was a joke.
A lot of 4th-century Romans probably reacted just like you.
Unfortunately, in their case, it was no joke...
See you.
Jeremy Martin
Yeah, but if Scientology existed then, the communication channels
weren't open as much as they are now--which means that all of the
bad shit won't be floating at the top.
--
Jeremy Martin
"MENTAL GIANT kollegge graduate with a PHD in STUPID!"
"Communism is like one big phone company."
- Lenny Bruce
Daneel
> Zartregu wrote:
> >Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>
> >most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
> >conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
> >Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
> >the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
> LOL
>
> Brilliant!
Seconded!
bye
Daneel
(posting from Google -- Vodafone & MATÁV suck!)
Fred
"Zartregu" <zzo...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:eb8d457f.03011...@posting.google.com...
> Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
>
> MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
> most extraordinary religious developments since emperor
Constantine's
Minor point but Constantine did not convert to Christianity. That
notion is about as reliable as his 'donation'. He was Sol Invictus,
and what really happened was that Christianity became basically Sol
Invictus also, with a thin skim of Christianity. Since Christianity
was already Mithraism, it wasn't much of a change.
F
Walter Bushell
>See you.
Plagerized^W Researched from the history books, IOW.
--
walter
Reality.sys has been corrupted. Abort,Fail,Retry? (a,f,r)
Gregory Gadow
> (D...@slowbitchmail.nl (DJ Nozem)):
>
> >On 17 Jan 2003 14:31:38 -0800, zzo...@hotmail.com (Zartregu) wrote:
> >
> >>Western cult becomes Russia's state religion
> >
> >>MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AEP) – In what commentators describe as "one of the
> >>most extraordinary religious developments since emperor Constantine's
> >>conversion to Christianity in the 4th century," President Vladimir
> >>Putin announced on Monday that the cult of Scientology is to become
> >>the official state religion of the Russian Federation.
> >
> >LOL
> >
> >Brilliant!
>
> My blood was boiling, until I realized it was a joke.
The AEP (Atheist Evil Propaganda?) news service will usually clue you in
:-)
--
Gregory Gadow
tech...@serv.net
http://www.serv.net/~techbear
"Liberties are not given, they are taken."
Aldous Huxley
"In the face of this approaching disaster, it behooves men
and women not yet overcome by war madness to raise their
voice of protest, to call the attention of the people to the
crime and outrage which are about to be perpetrated on them."
Emma Goldman
Roger Pearse
>
> Minor point but Constantine did not convert to Christianity. That
> notion is about as reliable as his 'donation'. He was Sol Invictus,
> and what really happened was that Christianity became basically Sol
> Invictus also, with a thin skim of Christianity. Since Christianity
> was already Mithraism, it wasn't much of a change.
I'm afraid this is mythology. Have a read of some his letters.
All the best,
Roger Pearse