Deviant Sex in the Rural Setting
Wes Combs
I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric.
Yes, tsexual deviancy pervades the countryside.
First, there are all of those lesbian cows. Every 21 days or so, sexually
mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their
carnal passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British
would say. When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be
observed mounting each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or
right up by the roadside in front of God and everybody. The cow which
stands for another to mount is deemed to be in heat. At this point, the
farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the game if he wants his cow to become
pregnant. In times past, he would drive or lead old "Bossy" to his own or the nneighbour's bull.
Farm boys have many jokes about this. In one case, the small boy explains to
his teacher that he is late to school because he had to take the cow to the
neighbour's bull. The teacher asks, "Couldn't your father have done it?
"Yes, but Dad's not registered."
When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets wierd. The farmer,
--are you ready?--picks up the telephone. He calls his neighbourhood
inseminator to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with semen that has
been collected at a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious
right tearing their hair if it were ever on the local newsstand.
In times past, a cow kept "hot" with hormone injections was used as the
object of the bull's affection. Because the hand is not the only thing
quicker than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one past his handlers
and actually penetrated the cow. Because of the hazard of transmitting
sexually transmitted diseases, we called them VD in olden times, "hot"
cows were discarded in favour of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate.
It is enough to make one blush, but often one male is used for the "donor"
to mount after a little foreplay and teasing. As the bull mounts, the
handler grasps the bull's sheath in one hand and guides the bull's erect
penis, or male member if you prefer, into an artificial vagina which
consists of a hard composition outer shell some 10cm or so in diameter
with latex liner filled with warm water and suitably lubricated. When
the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate
is drained into a collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached
to one end of the artificial vagina for the purpose. The volume of
the ejaculate is measured, and thesemen diluted and frozen in vials
or straws the latter developed by the French at a bull stud at L'Aigle,
Normandy.
Now, for you who have had trouble handling the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual
thread, I thought it worth pointing out that even dittoheads in the
bible-belt depend on all of these alternative lifestyles and more
to keep the mortgage paid.
Wes Combs, Ph.D.
Academic Advisor, and
Consultant in International Livestock Development
--
Wendy Richardson
>
>First, there are all of those lesbian cows.
Shouldn't they have their own newsgroup?
Every 21 days or so, sexually
>mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their
>carnal passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British
>would say. When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be
>observed mounting each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or
>right up by the roadside in front of God and everybody. The cow which
>stands for another to mount is deemed to be in heat. At this point, the
>farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the game if he wants his cow to become
>pregnant. In times past, he would drive or lead old "Bossy" to his own or the nneighbour's bull.
>
I knew a family in New Zealand who would paint the rumps of the cows blue.
When the blue wore off, they knew she'd been fooling around and was
*ready* so she was inseminated.
Wendy
(Not really an exert on these things...)
Charlie Johnston
(stuff about barnyard deviant SEX deleted to avoid offending anyone)
> ...they knew she'd been fooling around and was *ready* so
> she was inseminated.
> Wendy
> (Not really an exert on these things...)
^^^^^
What exactly does this mean, "not really an exert"?
That you are extremely passive during...ahem...?
...just curious.... ;-> ....charlie <--- blushing
Laurie Miller
(Wendy Richardson) wrote:
Well, not to weird any of you folks out, but up here in Cahnadja, that's
pretty common practice. 'Cept on my farm, we put a blue "goo" on the chest
of the ram, so that when he mounts the ewes, their rump gets marked.
Course, that works becuase we have a ram in residence, otherwise, like
mentioned above, you need to mark the rump of the ewe (or cow, or bunny
rabbit, your choice) in order to see what's been going on...
Laurie
--
[Arthur: Look robot, the stars are coming out!]
[Marvin: Wretched, isn't it]
Neal Bauer
My neighbor has a male pot bellied pig who is really a horse wanna be.
He hangs out with all the nearby horses. But the Fjord mares in the adjacent
pasture are his favorite. He can frequently be seen mounting one of
the Fjords (while the horse is lying down of course). Quite a sight.
Neal
Dan Sorenson
>I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric.
>Yes, tsexual deviancy pervades the countryside.
You aren't kidding. These days we do "virtual sex" on the
farm with the latest in home electronic gear. Let me explain.
>When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets wierd. The farmer,
>--are you ready?--picks up the telephone. He calls his neighbourhood
>inseminator to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with semen that has
>been collected at a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious
>right tearing their hair if it were ever on the local newsstand.
We used to have our bulls semen-tested each year. I'm unsure
of what this actually entails. I suppose somewhere, nestled in a lab,
is a person in a lab coat gingerly measuring out 0.1cc of bull semen
and carefully counting the number of moving sperm on the slide through
the lenses of a microscope. The bull, of course, is never actually
told about the results of this test and likely doesn't care so long
as he passes it.
In any event, obtaining the semen is now an art of electronics
and steel. First, guide the bull into the steel chute. He's often
a bit nervous, but we like to offer reassuring words such as, "Don't
worry -- it happens to all men at some point. Let's wait a few minutes
and try again." The bull doesn't seem to be terribly comforted by
these words, but we certainly enjoy saying them and have been known
to adopt silly german accents purely for effect.
Now the vet comes over, hands you what looks like a latex-lined
fish net, and says "Get ready." He then unclasps this briefcase and
removed the latest feature in electronic sex. It's a box, about 3"x9",
a cable some 15' long, and what can only be described as a phallic-
shaped object some 3" in diameter and perhaps just over a foot long.
These three objects are soon coupled (heh!) together and the
phallic object is lubricated with something.
The assistant gingerly moves the bull's tail to the side and
an emergency enema is given. Said bull is, at this point in time,
somewhat nervous but doing his best to remain cool. The vet then
flips a switch on the box.
I used to think it was impossible for a bull to look either
shocked or confused. No longer. Upon flipping that switch and holding
for a mere three seconds the bull was suddenly sporting an erection
and, one could see, wondering just what had caused it. The assistant
then places the lined fish-net below the bull's now-exposed member
and the vet gives him another jolt. The bull ejecuates but is now
even more obviously wondering just what is going on, why all this
is happening, and more importantly, why didn't he enjoy it?
The probe is removed from his rectal orifice, the bull is set
free, and somewhere, in a dreary lab, another scientist peers through
a microscope and decides the fate of a breeding animal.
My guess is, if bulls could talk, their first sentence would
be something along the lines of, "You humans sent people to the moon,
right? Can't you design a blow-up doll or vibrator that looks like a
cow instead of using that **&!^#^*#$ cattle-probe? I certainly don't
think of sex and electro-shock therapy as equivalent sensations, so
what's with the bug-zapper enema?"
--
* Dan Sorenson, DoD 1066 vik...@iastate.edu z1...@exnet.iastate.edu *
* Vikings? There ain't no vikings here. Just us honest farmers. *
* The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need *
* those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it. *
Melinda Shore
> You aren't kidding. These days we do "virtual sex" on the
>farm with the latest in home electronic gear. Let me explain.
As I wrote to Wes, I live just down the road from Eastern
Artificial Insemination Cooperative's (Holsteins)
production facility. Ahem. Anyway, I was very surprised
to hear that they're now bringing in an acupuncturist on a
fairly regular basis to treat some of the bulls, which apparently
increases their productivity. I was very surprised by this,
since the local farming community tends to be pretty
conservative.
Horse people still do a lot of breeding of the mares directly
to the stallions, rather than AI. I'd venture that most
breeding is done in the flesh, in fact. This past weekend I
was at a dressage show where there was a stallion who had
apparently had a very busy week, and he was quite obviously
lame behind.
--
Melinda Shore - No Mountain Software - sh...@tc.cornell.edu
I DON'T SPEAK FOR CORNELL.
Software longa, hardware brevis.
Kate Gregory
Melinda Shore <sh...@dinah.tc.cornell.edu> wrote:
>Horse people still do a lot of breeding of the mares directly
>to the stallions, rather than AI. I'd venture that most
>breeding is done in the flesh, in fact.
My brother in law used to dairy farm. If a cow wasn't
"catching" for some reason, the usual solution was a
personal visit from the bull. I asked if the extra
success was due to volume effects (since normally
they get many many straws at a time from one, er,
episode) but he said there was more to it than
that.
I have heard that for both cows and humans, female
orgasm makes conception more likely. So just wait
till someone invents a cow-vibrator to improve
the efficiency of AI!
Kate
David Forde
> You aren't kidding. These days we do "virtual sex" on the
>farm with the latest in home electronic gear. Let me explain.
Of course we Norwegians don't need to go to such extremes.....
Dave
Dan Sorenson
>> You aren't kidding. These days we do "virtual sex" on the
>>farm with the latest in home electronic gear. Let me explain.
>Don't they call that a Swedish massage?
No no no no! You've thinking of the spa with the water
jets and the 1000kW diesel generator to power the thing. Or, perhaps
a nice girl with a name like Helga. Even though my workstation is
known as "raquel," I do not consider either of the aforementioned to
be the equivalent of virtual sex.
If it were, you can bet I'd be much more willing to go
to work each morning, and much less willing to leave each evening.
>Of course we Norwegians don't need to go to such extremes.....
Who do you think you're responding to, some Swede?
Dan "50% Norwegian, 50% Dane, aka: Genetic Armageddon" Sorenson
David Forde
> No no no no! You've thinking of the spa with the water
>jets and the 1000kW diesel generator to power the thing. Or, perhaps
>a nice girl with a name like Helga. Even though my workstation is
>known as "raquel," I do not consider either of the aforementioned to
>be the equivalent of virtual sex.
> Who do you think you're responding to, some Swede?
But is there really a difference between an Iowa Norwegian and a Swede?
Dave, from Wisconsin, where the real Norwegians reside ;-)