A jester's tale...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
A note to all those who mailed me :
Yes, I *do* like Marillion (probably the best blend of music and lyrics ever,
etc, etc... <ramble on for hours in praise of Fish & co...> ) Long live freaks!
To the rest of you who don't know what I am on about, don't worry - back to
the humor...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The "why cu_CUM_bers are better than men" list
==============================================
- the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
- cucumbers stay hard for a week
- a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
- cucumbers don't get too excited
- a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
- cucumbers are easy to pick up
- you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
- ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
- you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
- no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
- cucumbers can get away any weekend
- with a cucumber you can get a single room
- ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
- a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
- you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
- at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
- a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home
- a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
- a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
- a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
- cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
- cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
- cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
- with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
- cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
- cucumbers don't have sex hangups
- cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
- cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging
with fruits and nuts
- you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
- cucumbers never need a round of applause
- cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
- cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
- a cucumber won't want to join your support group
- a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
- cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
- cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
- a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in
the refrigerator
- a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
- no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
- cucumbers can handle rejection
- a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
- a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
- a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
- with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
- cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on
the pillow
- cucumbers won't give you a hickey
- cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
- Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confesion
- cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
- a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
- cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
- a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
- a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
- a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
- with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the
flu season
- cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car
- a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
- a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
- cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
- a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
- cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
- cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
- a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
- a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
- with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
- cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
- cucumbers can't count to "10"
- cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
- a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
- a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then
come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
- a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
- you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
- you won't find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or have AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
- a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
- cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
- a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
- cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
- cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
- a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
- you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
- a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
- a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
- cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
- a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
- a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
- a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
- cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
- a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
- a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or
orthodox vegetarian
- it's easy to drop a cucumber
- a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
or seek custody of anything
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Have you ever met a lady screaming angst potential?
Have you ever dreamt of romance, no matter how experimental?
Have you ever felt an alien drifting back into you hometown?
Did you think you were buying safety when you bought that piece of ground?"
Simos Hadjiyiannis
This is old and lengthy but worth reading, if just to see Dennis Ritchie's
reply at the end.
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From: dav...@tekadg.UUCP (Dave)
Subject: Unix, Unixpeople, Usenix - from a non-compunerd's point of view...
Well, I haven't had any choice. For the past couple of years, I've
been forced to use Unix to get my job done - the choice was made for me.
And, despite repeated reassurances from Unix-people that "you'll really
like it once you get up to speed", it's still at best an uneasy truce.
There's no question that it has its good points. Structured directories.
Pipes. History mechanism (yes, I'm sure everyone's yawning).
But, the documentation... I'm really tired of illiterate ramblings and cute
little social commentaries and other trash (which seems to be particularly
endemic to Berkeley "documentation") - especially when what real information
is therein is so sketchy that one ends up having to struggle for days to
figure out how do things with Unix that could be determined in a few minutes
with a DEC or IBM manual. One simply can't do anything very sophisticated
with Unix without (a) the source code, and (b) a (shudder) "UNIX-person",
which has already spent the better part of its adolescence blundering across
all the stupid little quirks which users end up fighting on their way to trying
to accomplish in 2 weeks what would take 3 days with a good commercial
operating system.
It works just fine for sending mail around, or for editing (as long as you
don't try to do anything very sophisticated with any of the plethora of
editors). I notice it has at long last learned about some little things like
memory management (or has it, really?) and task-to-task communication
(barely) and... how 'bout shared resident memory, and, and, and... And it's
hardly possible for anyone to apply what little Unix has in the way of such
"sophisticated" features (they're fundamental to most other O.S.'s), without
having to become a "Unix-wizard" - the term itself being testimony to the
infantile mentality of Unix-people.
Unfortunately, despite its undesirability in other respects, there's
considerable incentive to use Unix due to its portability. When an O.S. is
needed for a new system, Unix can be brought up quickly, since most of it is
written in C. What gets overlooked by the naive management which allows the
thing into the company, of course, is that (1) they're going to be forever
tweaking and grooming and hassling and hacking in an effort to get it to run
efficiently - which is hopeless, since it will never be as efficient as a
completely native O.S. no matter how long one fiddles with it - and (2) as
long as they keep attempting to use it, they're going to have to put up with
Unix-people...
(The commercial mainframe manufacturers could take a lesson from this...
If a package is portable, people will buy it even though it's trash -
and that situation is not going to change. It's a big selling point.)
Of course, just as often, it gets used for little or no reason: for instance,
because a gang of Unix compunerds, again characteristically from Berkeley
or some similarly virulent seedbed, infiltrated a computer-center dragging Unix
in its wake, snowed the appropriate set of ignorant bureaucrats, and then
proceeded to inflict Unix on the resident mainframe and its unfortunate users.
After all, it's inexpensive, compared to a real commercial product (you get
what you pay for, of course) - and the Unix-people are more than happy to
sit up all night eating Twinkies and hacking yet another fully-customized
installation into existence, all the while congratulating each other
upon their wizardliness...
A large proportion of the people one finds "supporting" Unix systems grew up
with Unix and have never used anything else - Unix is their religion, and they
have no perspective at all on operating systems or even software in general.
As an experiment, try discussing another O.S. with one of them - and observe
the scandalized, intolerant looks you get, as if to say, "How DARE you even
even SUGGEST that any O.S. other than Unix even exists!!!" They generally
have a very limited skill set - very few of them can be described as
software engineers or computer scientists. If anyone ever markets a really
well documented Unix which doesn't require babysitting by a phalanx of
provincial Unix clones, there'll be a lot of unemployable, Twinky-braindamaged
misfits out deservedly pounding the pavement.
For a real eye-opener, check out a Usenix convention. I went to the last
one because it was right here in town - "why not?", I thought - (I soon found
out...). Are those the people who keep calling themselves "Unix
professionals" ? I couldn't believe the inane, sophomoric contents of what
passed for papers at that convention. Try reading some of the IEEE or ACM
proceedings on computer science and then read some of that Usenix trash. I
wouldn't be able to face myself in a mirror if I put garbage like that in
print.
Furthermore, the sociological phenomena to be observed at Usenix are appalling
.
Comparing Usenix with an IEEE, ACM, or other truly professional convention is
like comparing an oligarchy with a democracy. Socially, Usenix is like a
spherical glob, with a handful of original software authors at the center (the
ones who wrote the original code, like the developers of Unix, C, etc. - the
ones whose names are always being bandied about). Around these, there's a
surrounding shell of what has been aptly called "Unix groupies" trying to
associate themselves, both logically and physically, with the "illuminati"
at the center. Typically, these loathsome little insects are system
administrators and hackers who spend their time either on the net or
endlessly rewriting UUCP or NROFF or, or, or... And, I'm told, there are
even some real, honest-to-goodness groupies (of the rock-star variety) who
spend their time trying get near the "inner circle" for - never mind...
it's believable, though - it's certainly consistent with the demeanor of
the rest of the proceedings.
Finally, around the outside, of course, are the peasants, as it were - the
users, of whatever variety, some of whom are trying to wiggle their way
inside, most of whom are just there to get a free ride out of their company,
and a few of whom are desperately trying to learn something about the
undocumented, flakey O.S. upon which their job depends...
Sigh, and aria..........
Voluntary disclaimer: If this article in any way represented the opinions and
policies of Tektronix, Inc., I wouldn't have had to write it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: rd...@lumiere.UUCP (Richard Doty)
Subject: Re: Unix, Unixpeople, Usenix - from a non-compunerd's point of view...
Sigh. I'm not Tek's personnel department, nor do I control who does
and does not have access to news posting privileges. Long-time netters
will recall similar outbursts from David in the past. There appears to
be nothing that can be done about him here.
FYI, tekadg does not receive news, the system administrator is Tony
Rick (tektronix!tekadg!tonyr), and the user's last name is Levadie.
rdoty (embarrassed) News Admin for Tektronix, Inc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: d...@dutoit.UUCP (Dennis Ritchie)
Subject: Groupies
tekadg!davidl writes, at considerable length and with widespread distribution:
> ... Socially, Usenix is like a
> spherical glob, with a handful of original software authors at the center (th
e
> ones who wrote the original code, like the developers of Unix, C, etc. - the
> ones whose names are always being bandied about). Around these, there's a
> surrounding shell of what has been aptly called "Unix groupies" trying to
> associate themselves, both logically and physically, with the "illuminati"
> at the center. Typically, these loathsome little insects are system
> administrators and hackers who spend their time either on the net or
> endlessly rewriting UUCP or NROFF or, or, or... And, I'm told, there are
> even some real, honest-to-goodness groupies (of the rock-star variety) who
> spend their time trying get near the "inner circle" for - never mind...
> it's believable, though - it's certainly consistent with the demeanor of
> the rest of the proceedings.
Usenix conventions, which are undeniably and appropriately narrow-minded
and introverted, sport more than a few bores, but are notable for absence
of loathsome insects. Even the irascible Rob Pike remarked after Portland,
"Goodness, there were very few loathesome insects there."
They are also marked by a lack of honest-to-goodness rock-star-variety
groupies. Believe me on this. The free cocaine was nowhere in evidence,
I consumed no cigar-sized hash bombers, the insistent, complaisant
lovelies were elsewhere by the time I got back from dinner. Indeed, the
plaster of Paris I had obtained in case anyone wanted a cast of my genitals
went entirely unused.
Still, I understand the party that AT&T threw in Washington
was pretty wild. Too bad I missed it.
DMR
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Have you ever woken up sweating in the middle of the night?
You search the darkness and you are scrambling for the light,
Have you ever walked down the street, heard footsteps following you?
Don't worry my son, you've got the spook squad looking after you,
She said all the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Got this just today... This is turning out to be quite a contest...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
From: m8...@ecs.oxford.ac.uk
Subject: Oxford quotes in response to Cambridge ones.....
As a reponse to CAMBR.MAT, this is a list of humorous quotes
from people (mostly lecturers) in maths/computation circles
at Oxford......
*** 1989 ***************************************************
This lecturer seems to have a tautology problem:
"A mapping is 1-1 and onto if and only if it is 1-1 and onto."
From a lecturer who knows exactly what he intends to do:
"....and now we need to increase n. The best way to increase
n is to increase n."
Obviously a student who didn't like his lecturer:
"I didn't think he could live down to his reputation, but he
did."
Another dissatisfied student?:
"Oh dear, where's my rifle...."
Referring to exams? I hope not...:
"...because if you're dead earlier, you certainly are dead later on..."
Good helpful instruction here:
"You could sort a sequence by assigning 1,2,3... to it. That's the fastest
sort routine I know of!"
Confused medium?:
"Please yell out if there are any typing errors"
In the middle of a difficult proof:
"This is the stage where I strt to pray"
followed by
"Somebody up there is being kind to me, are they? No."
followed by
"I've done something silly with a square root of 2."
Guess which subject:
"I have a personality disorder: I don't like to assume things
are measurable."
More Lebesgue Integration quotes:
"You can sleep if you want."
"It's delicate to get your hands on it."
"Will we all agree to shut that one in a cupboard?"
"Well we can't quite stop yet - although I am tempted..."
Sounds too good to be true:
"This is fun: lots of magical ways to solve differential equations!"
Any idea of the context of this one?:
"If you watch T.V. you see there are such things as Marathons"
A disillusioned lecturer:
"In the old days, the pure days..."
A weensy big headed, are we?:
"I'm just showing off, seeing how fast I can do them..."
Some quotes from a statistics lecturer:
"This is a stupid example - you can see why; it's an exam question."
"We observe approximate approximation to .... "
A hopeful Rings and Groups lecturer:
"... a cube, so it has 8 faces ... "
A lecturer nicknamed 'Hurricane':
"Ok? Well, not very ok but you can find the mistake yourself"
followed by
"Whatever you need to get the answer"
An undergraduate talking about Fermat's last theorem, so I am told...:
"A millionth of a second is virtually forever"
and
"It doesn't really make a lot of difference between 8 and 33"
Yet *more* Lebesgue integration quotes:
"Integration by parts is not economical on paper"
"I can't be bothered. Can't we just go back and......"
"It's all so simple it's hard to remember"
"I worked it out last night - let's see if it works in the daylight"
This term's contradictions prize:
"I want to stop looking at inhomogeneous equations and start looking
at inhomogeneous equations"
Nope, this isn't 'Hurricane':
"Imagine me running towards you at root-three-over-two c"
Physicists? Thick?:
" '3+1' is physicists' notation for '4' "
You'll never guess what - we had an incredibly quotable Lebesgue
integration lecturer:
"Has anyone got it out yet? (Pause) You're not doing it are you?"
"It looks an incredibly integrable function"
"Proof's easy, by the way, provided I keep my act together"
[to a moving blackboard] "SIT!!!"
"Sorry about that - I'm teaching this to some engineers...they'd
have a fit if they saw"[a Lipschitz condition]
"My mind's gone crazy again"
"I'll just reassmble the duster"
"Take the computer and it will do lotsof things while you're
at the pub"
"In lectures, everywhere you have chaos"
Some quotes from a Rings and Groups lecturer:
"Examples come in two types: interesting ones and examination ones"
"This [z->conj(z)] is worse than bad"
"Now I run down the r's and up the b's"
"Just send one of the 1st years to check..."
A confuddled lecturer:
"Is this the right lecture theatre?"
Do I really need to tell you where these came from?:
"The proof is not required for finals, but I'm going to give you it
anyway because it's nice."
"multiplied by the stupid derivative dFx"
"I'd thought we'd spend the rest of the day in light entertainment:
Let's do some schools questions!"
"Questions are easy, with a bit of luck"
"Tonelli would tell us..." (undergraduate) "No he wouldn't, he's dead"
"Knock that sign for 6 and use Tonelli somewhere"
"If you want to cut corners, an intelligent corner to cut is not
to learn the proofs of any of these theorems"
"And that's the singularity that's going to save our bacon"
"I'll take a special delta when I see what I need"
"And the Riemann-Lebesgue lemma zaps it again"
"I am falling into a trap. I assume I know it's there -
I want to fall into it"
"If x were negative this would go sky-high - it would blast off the map"
"Can I bring along an elephant and some trumpets to draw your attention...
"Pinch yourself, kiss your neighbour, anything to draw attantion to
this" (loud kissing sound of student kissing neighbour)
"Let me make a mistake now"
"Meanwhile back at the ranch..."
"It's my lucky day!"[after a double-cancelling error]
"I actually like integrating"
"I love integrating"
[Referring to previous lecturer]
"That woman can't clean the board. I pay someone to clean the floor
at home and then I come here and spend 15 minutes mucking around"
"We could do it if we could pull the sum sign through and that's
what God gave us the monotone convergence theorem for"
"...and at this stage your heart should have a slight hiccup"
"...and at this stage you should go and have a beer"
"I'll massage this into a shape you can use the MCT on"
"Now we go into automatic drive and finish this off"
"I'm going to use this diagram. It's not completely silly"
After turning out all the lights:
"So that's what these switches do!"
>From analysis lectures:
"The fact they're called divided differences suggests that they are
the difference of 2 things divided by something"
"10! is fairly small"
A different quotable lecturer:
"Are you bored?" [Students shout Yes]
"Are you mega-bored?" [Students shout YES]
"What a waste of life is coming to Oxford to get bored in lectures."
A talkative lecturer:
"No, let me stop gibbering my mouth off without thinking about it
beforehand... and I've just shot myself in the foot"
Obviously good at making mistakes:
"I've just realised I've done something crazy...in the notes this time"
A sad lecturer's tale:
"I used to be quite clever - it's the drink"
Proof technique obviously ok:
"Well I guess that's a respectable proof actually"
More of the prolific lecturer:
"You keep thinking you've got over the hiccups and then they come
back again"
"I like it. (referring to a lemma) It looks upside down to me."
"...there's the following delicious little proof"
"I've got two 2's, the third should be a 3"
"Let's fall into the trap - let's do the obviuos thing"
"(referring to a function) It looks like a case of Carling Black Label"
"The trick is not to write anything"
"Ugh. This is horrid, isn't it"
"It will enable you to pull derivavtives through integrals, which you
have wanted to do all your life - and some of you have been. This tells
you when you can legally do it."
Who said proofs were legal?:
"Watch this proof carefully - it looks like a confidence trick"
Remember continuity and differentiablity?:
"In other words this is going to be a 3 epsilon proof."
Referring to Lorentz:
"It's a garden trellis type transformation"
"To be consistent, call it *^(-1)"
"We get our own back by calling rotations in the plane 'Pseudo-Lorentz'"
>From a computing lecture:
"A degree's worth more than a monitor"
In a differential equations lecture:
"As you can see, these equations are very easy to remember -
hold on, I've missed out a term..."
***1990*************************************************************
>From a groups lecture:
"It's a bit like probability except that it can go negative and the
integral is not normally 1"
and
"I can't possibly tell you what this is - it's a very unpleasant space"
Starting off a course early in the year:
"The important thing to remember about this course is that it
doesn't actually mean anything."
My, my! Here's a helpful topology lecturer:
"I'll prove it with a diagram, and next time I'll translate it
into pictures."
>From a respected computation lecturer:
"I don't have an I.Q."
and(in the middle of a lecture):
"What am I doing?"
An energetic lecturer:
"Note that one must always have his sleeves rolled up for discussing
this kind of thing."
Tautology-of-the-term prize:
"If you start off with a 72 elements and take away half, you're left with
the other half"
>From a computing lecturer:
"I HATE computers!!!"
>From a groups lecturer:
"If abc is abc then abc is abc."
A hungry lecturer, perhaps?:
"Weetabix don't last a whole day"
Obviously a lecturer who has difficulty with notation:
"If you can tell the difference between invalid and invalid then you should
have no difficulty with mathematical notation."
A little common ego trip/heresy:
"Maths is pretty widespread, but not universal."
And who said that proofs were useful?:
"So what have we proved? - it doesn't matter what we've proved"
A lecturer trying to justify an obscure step in a proof:
"(pause) because it isn't."
A lecturer trying to avoid the chalk breaking by writing fainter:
"Can you read that at the back?"
(silent pause)
"They can't even hear me at the back!"
This is a new one on me - proving things:
"by ruthless subterfuge"
This lecturer likes being lazy:
"It isn't obvious that ...[the function inverts]...well it is obvious really"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Airport terminal, patiently awaiting for the last call,
You feel the eyes burn the back of your head,
Sign the autograph, get out of the picture, gonna have the last laugh,
Feel the whispers as you head for the plane, stop staring at me... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
The Tao Of Programming
Translated By Geoffrey James
Transcribed By Seth Robertson
Table of Contents
Book 1 -- The Silent Void
Book 2 -- The Ancient Masters
Book 3 -- Design
Book 4 -- Coding
Book 5 -- Maintenance
Book 6 -- Management
Book 7 -- Corporate Wisdom
Book 8 -- Hardware and Software
Book 9 -- Epilogue
The Silent Void
Book One
Thus spake the master programmer:
"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
1.1
Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone
and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it
the Tao of Programming.
If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
is greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and
there is harmony in the world.
The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of morning.
1.2
The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to
the assembler.
The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
languages.
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses
the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao.
But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
1.3
In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao
always have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
How could it be otherwise?
1.4
The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish
programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it.
If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao.
The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect
program still has bugs.
The Ancient Masters
Book Two
Thus spake the master programmer:
"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
2.1
The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like
uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
The answer exists only in the Tao.
2.2
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
he exclaimed:
"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
2.3
A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What
sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and
were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and
their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality
suites and they made rude noises during my presentation."
The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life
absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing
limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why
should they bother with social conventions?"
"They are alive within the Tao."
2.4
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone
beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond
the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees
his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his
programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their
purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao."
Design
Book Three
Thus spake the master programmer:
"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
3.1
There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he
entered, the man told the guard at the door:
"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of
dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to
himself.
When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be
even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no
avail.
On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot
live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
3.2
There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A
novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write
unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate
his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured
programs, saying: "What is appropriate for the master is not
appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before
transcending structure."
3.3
There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to
design: an accounting package or an operating system?"
"An operating system," replied the programmer.
The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an accounting
package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system," he said.
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different
ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it
must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not
limited my outside appearances. When designing an operating system,
the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas.
This is why an operating system is easier to design."
The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"
The programmer made no reply.
3.4
A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How
long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers
to it?"
"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
"But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
completed," he said.
Coding
Book Four
Thus spake the master programmer:
"A well-written program is its own heaven;
a poorly-written program is its own hell."
4.1
A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be
retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much,
neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure
nor overwhelming rigidity.
A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user
in the way that astonishes him least.
A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.
If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.
4.2
A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am
totally baffled. What is the reason for this?"
The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand the
Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the novice.
"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
4.3
A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
over for today," he said.
4.4
Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the
program ran like a gentle wind.
Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to
program I would see before me the whole program in one mass. After
three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines.
But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My
senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its
own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes
there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch
silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties
vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit
still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a
moment and then log off."
Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
Maintenance
Book Five
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Though a program be but three lines long,
someday it will have to be maintained."
5.1
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.
These are great mysteries.
5.2
A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the
programmer promptly replied.
"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, how
long will it take?"
The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
The programmer agreed to this.
Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
5.3
A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.
The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed
his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of
generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't
be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
5.4
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
Management
Book Six
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Let the programmer be many and the managers
few -- then all will be productive."
6.1
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about
to roll in.
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be
restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the
problems will soon be solved.
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
6.2
Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.
Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.
Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.
Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
6.3
A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result,
the manager retained his job.
The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an
interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward."
The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of
an employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management
consultant!"
But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but
waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm
working one."
6.4
A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and
leave at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and
several resigned on the spot.
So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.
Corporate Wisdom
Book Seven
Thus spake the master programmer:
"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate
executive, but you can't make him computer literate."
7.1
A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape
with vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos,
each saying 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is
meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no
avail. How can such an unnatural entity exist?"
The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement
from its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of
programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by
its uselessness?"
7.2
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When
this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate
Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the program-
mers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird
mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home.
The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he
fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his
terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone.
7.3
The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box
into the master's office while the master waited in silence.
"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary
operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the
art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years
to construct. Is it not amazing?"
The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.
"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you
agree to this?"
"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.
Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
you know where it might be?"
"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform in
the data center."
7.4
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the
project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
Hardware and Software
Book Eight
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Without the wind, the grass does not move.
Without software, hardware is useless."
8.1
A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a
giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire
business. Why is this so?"
The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware,
nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat
it like a servant. But because it combines all of these things, people
think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers
without effort."
8.2
A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.
"Excuse me", he said, "may I examine it?"
The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. "I
see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level
of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be
conquered by the human."
"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
mysterious setting?"
The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
8.3
There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to
visit, "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do
not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is
self-consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job
and join me here?"
The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in
the midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a
great ocean of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond
and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique,
move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am
happy where I am."
The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
8.4
Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are
the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together,
thinking to conquer the world.
Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The
Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of
water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It
does not seeks fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists
beyond space and time."
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
Epilogue
Book Nine
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Time for you to leave."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"On the rebound, fumbling all the lines, the light at the end of the bottle,
Alcocholic alphabet, through the looking glass, the proof in my reflection,
Five senses come down and reeling on the Cinderella search,
Cinderella search, search... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
{ This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened",
a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and
compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. }
PILGRAM INTERUPTERS
===================
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship
as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.
The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.
First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm
blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They
spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of
Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this
hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor
of Plymouth Rock.
A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and
translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.
Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers
freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks
for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national
holiday all around the world.
These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls
wore funny bonets.
But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Love and linen sheets seem so far away,
You save your pennies and you buy another day,
But after all it's only hide and seek, just another game,
There's so much fun to be had when you are living with a name..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: jail...@ihlpm.UUCP
Subject: _Vague_, the Magazine that Defines the 90's
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"But the samaritan of the heartbroken, heartbroken,
Swam through nicotine seas and we exchanged the kiss of life,
Resurrection in a trance, the mortal, the grail, in a marquee of promises
I touch the dream, I have the dream to end the Cinderella search, no more..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Alice in UNIX Land
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes,
I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
"I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
disappeared behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to
do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was
there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they
all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice
watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking
for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given
up on waking him.
Just then, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his
sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an
hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
"like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat
down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," is said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Midnight sun bids moors farewell, retreats from charging dusk,
Mountains echo curfew's bell, signal ending tasks,
They place their faith in oken doors, cower by candlelight,
The panic seeps through blostained floors, as Grendel stalks the night..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal
=================================
Back in the good old days-- the "Golden Era" of computers--
it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called
"Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this
period, the Real Men were the ones who understood computer pro-
gramming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones who didn't. A real
computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND"
(they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and
the rest of the world said things like "computers are too compli-
cated for me" and "I can't relate to computers-- they're so
impersonal". (A previous work points out that Real Men don't
"relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a
world in which little old ladies can get computers in their
microwave ovens, 12 year old kids can blow Real Men out of the
water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even
understand their very own personal Computer. The Real Programmer
is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high
school students with TRASH-80s.
There is a clear need to point out the differences between
the typical high school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Program-
mer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids
something to aspire to-- a role model, a Father Figure. It will
also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it
would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff
with 12 year old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary sav-
ings).
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is
by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers
use Fortran. Quiche Eaters use Pascal. Nicklaus Wirth, the
designer of Pascal, gave a talk once at which he was asked, "How
do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can either call
me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value,
'Worth'." One can tell immediately by this comment that Nicklaus
Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism
endorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as imple-
mented in the IBM/370 Fortran G and H compilers. Real Program-
mers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs
done-- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a Fortran IV
compiler, and a beer.
+ Real Programmers do List Processing in Fortran.
+ Real Programmers do String Manipulation in Fortran.
+ Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in
Fortran.
+ Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in
Fortran.
If you can't do it in Fortran, do it in assembly language. If
you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
The academics in computer science have gotten into the
"structured programming" rut over the past several years. They
claim that programs are more easily understood if the programmer
uses some special language constructs and techniques. They don't
all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and the example
they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on
a single page of some obscure journal or another-- clearly not
enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of
school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I
could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different
computer languages, and create 1000 line programs that WORKED
(Really!). Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in
the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000 line Fortran
program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Program-
mer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world
won't help you solve a problem like that-- it takes actual
talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Struc-
tured Programming:
+ Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs.
+ Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops without
getting confused.
+ Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements-- they make
the code more interesting.
+ Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if
they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
+ Real Programmers don't need comments-- the code is
obvious.
+ Since Fortran doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ...
UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to
worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated
when necessary using assigned GOTOs.
Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately.
Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings
have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above men-
tioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book contending
that you could write a program based on data structures, instead
of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only
useful data structure is the Array. Strings, Lists, Structures,
Sets-- these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated
that way just as easily without messing up your programming
language with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about
fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Pro-
gramming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on
the first letter of the (six character) variable name.
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer?
CP/M? God forbid-- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating
system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can
understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course-- the typical Unix
hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is called this
week-- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified
video game. People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they
send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write Adventure games
and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can
find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just
got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without
referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer
can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a
hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.)
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to
destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness
in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach
the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a
Time Sharing system that runs on OS/370, but after careful study
I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken.
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a
Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the
front panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had
front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical
Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in
hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program.
(Back then, memory was memory-- it didn't go away when the power
went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't
want it to, or remembers things long after they're better forgot-
ten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I
supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually tog-
gled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front
panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, need-
less to say, is a Real Programmer.
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer
for Texas Instruments. One day, he got a long distance call from
a user whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some
important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the
phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the
front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register
contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a
Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and line printer in
phone in emergencies.
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten
engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the
building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real
Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text edi-
tor" program. Most systems supply several text editors to select
from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that
reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best
text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto
Research Center for use on their Alto and Dorado computers.
Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose
operating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not
talk to the computer with a mouse.
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incor-
porated into editors running on more reasonably named operating
systems-- EMACS and VI being two. The problem with these editors
is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get"
to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in Women.
No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it"
text editor-- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving,
dangerous. TECO, to be precise.
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more
closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text.
One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type
your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does.
Just about any possible typing error while talking with TECO will
probably destroy your program, or even worse-- introduce subtle
and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually
edit a program that is close to working. They find it much
easier to just patch the binary object code directly, using a
wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM
machines). This works so well that many working programs on IBM
systems bear no relation to the original Fortran code. In many
cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it
comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even
think of sending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the
job-- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know
where to start. This is called "job security".
Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
+ Fortran preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The
Cuisinarts of programming-- great for making Quiche. See
comments above on structured programming.
+ Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core
dumps.
+ Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle
creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses for
EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the operating
system code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds
checking is inefficient.
+ Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps
his code locked up in a card file, because it implies that
its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded.
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of
programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual?
You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead
writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing
lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of
earth-shaking importance (literally!).
+ Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory,
writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercom-
puters.
+ Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency,
decoding Russian transmissions.
+ It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real
Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and
back before the Russkies.
+ The computers in the Space Shuttle were programmed by Real
Programmers.
+ Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the
operation systems for cruise missiles.
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the
Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the
entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by
heart. With a combination of large ground-based Fortran programs
and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are
able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation--
hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in
space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios,
and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a
pattern matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused
memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and
photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a
gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This
trajectory passes within 80 +/- 3 kilometers of the surface of
Mars. Nobody is going to trust a Pascal program (or Pascal pro-
grammer) for navigation to these tolerances.
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work
for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Defense Department. This is
as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on
the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed
Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense
programs should be written in some grand unified language called
"ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined
to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real
Programming-- a language with structure, a language with data
types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language
designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Program-
mer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD had enough
interesting features to make it approachable-- it's incredibly
complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system
and rearranging memory, and Edsger Dijkstra doesn't like it.
(Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GOTOs Con-
sidered Harmful"-- a landmark work in programming methodology,
applauded by Pascal Programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.)
Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write Fortran pro-
grams in any language.
The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work
on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life
as we know it. Providing there's enough money in it. There are
several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for exam-
ple. (But not playing them-- a Real Programmer knows how to beat
the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working
at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn
down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion
of Real Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than
the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for Computer
Graphics yet. On the other hand, all Computer Graphics is done
in Fortran, so there are a fair number of people doing Graphics
in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works--
with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actu-
ally pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway
(although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud).
Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for
a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recogniz-
ing Real Programmers away from the computer room:
+ At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the
corner talking about operating system security and how to get
around it.
+ At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one
comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
+ At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing
flowcharts in the sand.
+ At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor
George. And he almost had the sort routine working before
the coronary."
+ In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who
insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner
himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to
get it right the first time.
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function
best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real
Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep
one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment
where he can get his work done.
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer
terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:
+ Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever
worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
+ Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the
coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
+ Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL
manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particu-
larly interesting pages.
+ Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the
year 1969.
+ Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut
butter filled cheese bars-- the type that are made pre-stale
at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in
the vending machine.
+ Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
+ Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there
by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers
write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the main-
tenence people.)
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50
hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers
it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real
Programmer-- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep
between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on
the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by
working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the
first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in
two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell
out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the pro-
ject done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing
the documentation. In general:
+ No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at
night.)
+ Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
+ Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.
+ Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
+ A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name.
He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code
table.
+ Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores
aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers sur-
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real
Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers
are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their
elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front
panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days can do
hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these
days are soft-- protected from the realities of programming by
source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and
"user friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these
alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever
learning Fortran! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix
hackers and Pascal programmers?
From my experience, I can only report that the future is
bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370 nor For-
tran show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of Pas-
cal programmers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like
adding structured coding constructs to Fortran, have failed. Oh
sure, some computer vendors have come out with Fortran 77 com-
pilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back
into a Fortran 66 compiler at the drop of an option card-- to
compile DO loops like God meant them to be.
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once
was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operat-
ing system worthy of any Real Programmer-- two different and
subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated
teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that
it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the
Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable
names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added
bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in-- like having the
best parts of Fortran and assembly language in one place. (Not
to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.)
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few
years, the popular press has even commented on the bright new
crop of computer nerds and hackers ( and
) leaving places like Stanford and MIT for the Real World. From
all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these
young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals,
bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Pro-
grammers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the
documentation for later. Long live Fortran!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"As Grendel leaves his mossy home, beneath the stagnant air,
Along the forest past he roams, to Hrothgar's hall so fair,
He knows that victory is secured, his charm will testify,
His claws will drip with mortal blood, as moonbeams haunt the sky..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Real Programmers Don't Use Fortran, Either!
A recent article devoted to the *macho* side of programming
("Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal," by ucbvax!G:tut) made the
bald and unvarnished statement
Real Programmers write in Fortran.
Maybe they do now, in this decadent era of Lite beer, hand calculators and
"user-friendly" software, but back in the Good Old Days, when the term
"software" sounded funny and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum
tubes, Real Programmers wrote in machine code. Not Fortran. Not RATFOR. Not,
even, assembly language. Machine Code. Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexa-
decimal numbers. Directly.
Lest a whole new generation of programmers grow up in ignorance of this
glorious past, I feel duty-bound to describe, as best I can through the
generation gap, how a Real Programmer wrote code. I'll call him Mel, because
that was his name.
I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., a now-
defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. The firm manufactured the
LGP-30, a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) drum-memory computer, and
had just started to manufacture the RPC-4000, a much-improved, bigger, better,
faster-- drum-memory computer. Cores cost too much, and weren't here to stay,
anyway. (That's why you haven't heard of the company, or the computer.)
I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler for this new marvel and Mel was
my guide to its wonders. Mel didn't approve of compilers.
If a program can't rewrite its own code," he asked, "what good is it?"
Mel had written, in hexadecimal, the most popular computer program the company
owned. It ran on the LGP-30 and played blackjack with potential customers at
computer shows. Its effect was always dramatic. The LGP-30 booth was packed
at every show, and the IBM salesmen stood around talking to each other.
Whether or not this actually sold computers was a question we never discussed.
Mel's job was to re-write the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. (Port? What
does that mean?) The new computer had a one-plus-one addressing scheme, in
which each machine instruction, in addition to the operation code and the
address of the needed operand, had a second address that indicated where,
on the revolving drum, the next instruction was located. In modern parlance,
every single instruction was followed by a GO TO! Put *that* in Pascal's
pipe and smoke it.
Mel loved the RPC-4000 because he could optimize his code: that is, locate
instructions on the drum so that just as one finished its job, the next would
be just arriving at the "read head" and available for immediate execution.
There was a program to do that job, an "optimizing assembler," but Mel refused
to use it.
"You never know where its going to put things," he explained, "so you'd have
to use separate constants."
It was a long time before I understood that remark. Since Mel knew the numer-
ical value of every operation code, and assigned his own drum addresses, every
instruction he wrote could also be considered a numerical constant. He could
pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, and multiply by it, if it had the
right numeric value. His code was not easy for someone else to modify.
I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs with the same code massaged by the
optimizing assembly program, and Mel's always ran faster. That was because
the "top-down" method of program design hadn't been invented yet, and Mel
wouldn't have used it anyway. He wrote the innermost parts of his program
loops first, so they would get first choice of the optimum address locations
on the drum. The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way.
Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, even when the balky Flexowriter
required a delay between output characters to work right. He just located
instructions on the drum so each successive one was just *past* the read head
when it was needed; the drum had to execute another complete revolution to
find the next instruction. He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure.
Although "optimum" is an absolute term, like "unique", it became common verbal
practice to make it relative: "not quite optimum" or "less optimum" or "not
very optimum." Mel called the maximum time-delay locations the "most
pessimum."
After he finished the blackjack program and got it to run, ("Even the
initializer is optimized," he said proudly) he got a Change Request from the
sales department. The program used an elegant (optimized) random number
generator to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck," and some of the
salesmen felt it was too fair, since sometimes the customers lost. They wanted
Mel to modify the program so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console,
they could change the odds and let the customer win.
Mel balked. He felt this was patently dishonest, which it was, and that it
impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, which it did, so he
refused to do it. The Head Salesman talked to Mel, as did the Big Boss and,
at the boss's urging, a few Fellow Programmers. Mel finally gave in and
wrote the code, but he got the test backwards and, when the sense switch was
turned on, the program would cheat, winning every time. Mel was delighted
with this, claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, and adamantly
refused to fix it.
After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$, the Big Boss asked me to
look at the code and see if I could find the test and reverse it. Somewhat
reluctantly, I agreed to look. Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure.
I have often felt that programming is an art form, whose real value can only
be appreciated by another versed in the same arcane art; there are lovely
gems and brilliant coups hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes
forever, by the very nature of the process. You can learn a lot about an
individual just by reading through his code, even in hexadecimal. Mel was,
I think, an unsung genius.
Perhaps my greatest shock came when I found an innocent loop that had no test
in it. No test. *None*. Common sense said it had to be a closed loop, where
the program would circle, forever, endlessly. Program control passed right
through it, however, and safely out the other side. It took me two weeks to
figure it out.
"The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility called an index register.
It allowed the programmer to write a program loop that used an indexed
instruction inside; each time through, the number in the index register was
added to the address of that instruction, so it would refer to the next datum
in a series. He had only to increment the index register each time through.
Mel never used it.
Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, add one to its
address, and store it back. He would then execute the modified instruction
right from the register. The loop was written so this additional execution
time was taken into account -- just as this instruction finished, the next one
was right under the drum's read head, ready to go. But the loop had no test
in it.
The vital clue came when I noticed the index register bit, the bit that lay
between the address and the operation code in the instruction word, was turned
on -- yet Mel never used the index register, leaving it zero all the time.
When the light went on it nearly blinded me.
He had located the data he was working on near the top of memory -- the
largest locations the instructions could address -- so, after the last datum
was handled, incrementing the instruction address would make it overflow. The
carry would add one to the operation code, changing it to the next one in the
instruction set: a jump instruction. Sure enough, the next program instruction
was in address location zero, and the program went happily on its way.
I haven't kept in touch with Mel, so I don't know if he ever gave in to the
flood of change that has washed over programming techniques since those long-
gone days. I like to think he didn't. In any event, I was impressed enough
that I quit looking for the offending test, telling the Big Boss I couldn't
find it. He didn't seem surprised. When I left the company, the blackjack
program would still cheat if you turned on the right sense switch, and I think
that's how it should be. I didn't feel comfortable hacking up the code of a
Real Programmer.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Wooden figures, pagan gods, stare blindly cross the sea,
Appeal for help from ocean fogs, for saviors born of dreams,
They know their lives are forfeit now, priestly heads they bow in shame,
They cannot face the trembling crowd that flinch in Grendel's name... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Admittedly, not for everyone...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
--- The Adventures of System Restriction Underwriter Manager ---
Part I - Simon Travaglia (circa ~1986)
Look, coming along the UniBus, is it a BugCheck, is it a CHMK? No, it's
SRUMAN!! Yes, it's SRUMAN, strange remote access from another system.
SRUMAN, with privileges and Quotas beyond those of normal processes.
SRUMAN, who came to change the course of nasty DISK ACCESSes. Who,
cleverly disguised as the Null process, fights a never-ending battle
for Diskquota, Privileges, and the digital way!
We begin our story, on Node VEX::, Waikato University (Hamilton, New
Zealand), 3:00 am on an ordinary looking morning
It was a quiet night on the Userdisk. Too damn quiet. I didn't
like it. Someone, somewhere, somehow, sometime, someday, some* was up
to something. I decided to cruise the userdisk, looking for a
suspicious file header. AAH HAH!!!!! There, at the very end of the
indexing file. Pretty suspicious if you ask me. I examined the file
id. Sure enough, it was pointing to a very seedy part of the userdisk,
known for badblocks and lost files.. I hailed a read head and said I'd
give him ten extra blocks if he didn't report the disk access. When I
got to the spot I knew I was at the right place. It wasn't the sort of
place that a normal process would GOTO alone. I ducked behind a barrel
as a couple of random accesses went by.
I spotted the culprit straight away. He looked as inconspicuous
as an integer in a boolean mask. A nasty looking chap, probably an
escapee from a virtual mapping. I brb'd over and asked him what he
thought he was doing here. He said he got separated from the rest of
his file when they were on a routine rename. I didn't believe a word
of it, he was lying, I could read him like an RX02. He must have
thought I'd come down on the last revision, Hah!
I quickly found the evidence, the file id's pointed straight at
him. I read him his rights. "You have the right to remain unread.
Should you wish not to remain unread, anything of consequence shall be
copied to sys$input and used against you in a set file/truncate." I
took him in for questioning. The Userdisk was safe for another day.
I waited around for a while, hoping some lonely disk IO might want
some company, but it was not to be. It's a lonely life being the
saviour of the system, but that's the sacrifice I had to make. One of
these days I'd retire to a far corner of a foreign subdirectory and
write my memoirs, but for now, life goes on.
I was shaken out of my thoughts by a message across the
sub-ethernet. There was two wildcards on the loose, having escaped
from a captive account. I was got uneasy when I heard the first name,
worried when I heard the second. They were two of the nastiest bugs
around. They were carriage return (known to his friends as the
TERMINATOR) and his side kick, Line Feed. They were a very bad
combination, ending command lines all over the place.
With a 'Hi Ho Diskquota' I leaped onto my trusty IOSB. It was an
old reconditioned model, but it had a good status indicating plenty of
good operations yet. I kicked it into life and roared off past a
terminal driver. You had to be real careful with terminal drivers, no
respect for life. I waved to a QIOW going the other way before I
realised that the return status was all wrong. I spun my IOSB around
and floored the Io$mNowait. In seconds I was upon him. A standard
Qiow with no modifiers stood no chance against my IOSB.
Sure enough, it's two occupants were Line Feed and Carriage
Return. I fired a warning HALT instruction across their PCB but they
paid no ATTN.
Instead, they returned a couple of $EXITs. One hit my IOSB and it
slid to a halt against a couple of output buffers. Now I was really
angry! I ducked into a friendly basic enviroment and changed mode to
Kernel. I then pulled out my submachinepatcher and blasted them into
oblivion (NL:) with rapid fire exception vectors. They didn't really
stand a chance.
*** Once more the System was safe. ***
After all that I decided to see Job Control to see if I could get a
steady job, still in the public eye, but a little less hazardous.
Something like redirecting output or changing passwords. I entered
today's events in the logfile and prepared to $HIBER for the night,
scheduling a wakeup call for 6:00am. I went to see Job Control real
early as he doesn't like to be kept waiting. I'm never late for a
meeting with JC, the last person that was late and Job Control forgot
about him... Nasty that, out of sight, swapped out of memory.
When I got there I put my case before him and The Scheduler. I'm
getting too old for this game, it's time some wet-behind-the-input-
buffers late version SRUMAN came along to take my place. They needed
someone who liked sinking up to there knees in gooey stuff whenever the
system had an internal consistancy failure. I hate slops of any sort,
but when the system's consistancy fails, it really hits the cooling fan.
They listened in stony silence, I knew they were rebuilding up to
something. One more job. They wanted me to do one more job! I would
have refused instantly, but it was my old arch enemy Bad Blox! He'd
been spotted by an Rms$Rundown lounging around the non-paged pool with
a couple of young Files. He was good, I knew that much, by the end of
the night, he'd have their FAB's and it would be all over for them. I
said I'd take the job, but on one condition, I had to have a partner,
and I knew just the one I wanted. I'd known my partner to be for ages,
he used to run a halfway file for characters who were lost or who had
strayed from home. In the morning he'd put them on the unibus and get
the driver to take them home. He was a retired army man from the
system reserve. I gave General Register a call, and he said he'd be
right over. I love it when a plan comes together!
General Register came over in less time than it takes to dump
SYS.EXE at 75 baud onto an LA120 with a sloppy carriage. Mind you, he
was getting old, so I suppose that accounted for it. He'd brought along
another old salt with him, Kernel Mode. "It's a priviledge meeting you
sir" I said; we shook hands, and then got down to business.
The General and Kernel went off to check out the system disk while
I went to see SWAPPER about trading in my wrecked IOSB. I got one of
those new models, with the genuine 32 pixel dash, TT$MNobrdcst silent
muffler system, TT$MWrap in case I hit something, and, for drag racing,
a TT$MPassall.
I tried to get a TT$Noecho but thought the better of it because I
knew that it IS possible to get too much of a good thing.
As soon as I had finished haggling with swapper over the trade-in
price of my IOSB I was out looking for Bad Blox. I sped towards
the non-paged pool on my IOSB and looked around. There was no sign at
all of Bad Blox, so I knew that if I didn't act fast, someone would
regret it. One by one I locked all the exits with my $LCKPAG in the
hope that he was still somewhere on hand.
I was right! I was just about to $DISMOU my IOSB when I saw a
flash of a CLI callback in my VISOR. I was thrown backwards by the
blast of a $EXPREG that operated from where my IOSB used to be! Two
IOSB's down in one week! That was it! Bad Blox was really going to
get it. I pulled out my Vital Maniac Stopper (VMS). It had many
functions and was a real gem when I came to dealing with problems. Bad
Blox was trying to escape on a passing process control block. I
switched my VMS into Retaliation / Talk Later (RTL) mode and fired a
couple of Lib$Disablectrl's at him. After that he didn't stand a
chance. With no control over the PCB he started wandering around like
the lost tribe of Israel. I blasted a Lib$Attach to the process so
that it would suffer no ill effects, then pushed the PCB into a special
jail I had made for him on the disk. With him safely tucked away in
BADBLK.SYS it came to me like a flash; I could never give up, I would
keep on going until I reached my cpu limit and then just drop out of
sight.
But for now, I have to cruise them batch queues.
( More exciting adventures to come... )
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Earth-rim walker seeks his meals, prepare the funeral pyres,
The shaper's songs no longer heal the fear within their eyes,
Within their eyes, within their eyes, their eyes... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: e...@mtgzy.att.com (Evelyn C. Leeper)
Cartoon Laws
============
(Contributed by Trevor Paquette, Lt. Justin D. Baldwin)
Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
==============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Silken membranes span his path, fingerprints in dew,
Denizens of twilight lands, humbly beg him through,
Mother Nature's bastard child, shunned by leaf and stream,
An alien in an alien land seeks solace within dreams... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: cs161fhn
Subject: Evolution of a programmer
High school/Jr. High
--------------------
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year in college
---------------------
program Hello(input, output);
begin
writeln ('Hello world');
end
Senior year in college
----------------------
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'HELLO (list 'WORLD))))
New professional
----------------
#include <stdio.h>
main (argc,argv)
int argc;
char **argv;
printf ("Hello World!");
Seasoned pro
------------
#include <stream.h>
const int MAXLEN = 80;
class outstring;
class outstring
private:
int size;
char str[MAXLEN];
public:
outstring() size=0;
outstring() size=0;
void print();
void assign(char *chrs);
;
void outstring::print()
int i;
for (i=0 ; i< size ; i++)
cout << str[i];
cout << "";
void outstring::assign(char *chrs)
int i;
for (i=0; chrs[i] != '';i++)
str[i] = chrs[i];
size=i;
main (int argc, char **argv)
outstring string;
string.assign("Hello World!");
string.print();
Manager
------
/* George, I need a program to output a string
"Hello World!" */
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"The shaper's lies, his poison tongue maligned with mocking harp,
Bequiling queen, her innocence offends his icy heart,
Hounds freeze in silence, bewitched by the reptile's spell,
Sulphurous essence pervades round the grassy dell... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
The UNIX Philosophy
===================
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the
other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes a mistake, a GIANT ``?'' lights up in the center of the
dashboard. ``The experienced driver," says he, "will usually know
what's wrong.''
Orignal source unknown; found on Joseph Evans' (Electrical and
Computer Engineering professor at Kansas University) door.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of
getting lost, and why humans always end up with large
collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says
that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense
of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have
feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly
impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found
nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).
On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a
generalised exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two
socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of
happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the
Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know
where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to
be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving
and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces,
changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way,
socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack
Charm.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It may be that human life is ``the galaxy's way of evolving
a brain.'' This will come as a surprise to pessimists who, contemplating
humankind's destructive tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the
galaxy's way of eliminating certain planets.
Christopher Lehmann-Haupt
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures):
1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there are some Poles in Western Europe, but
they are removable!
2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very
religious colleague: ``Do you believe in one God?''
Answer: ``Yes, up to isomorphism!''
3. What is a compact city?
Answer: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many arbitrarily
near-sighted policemen!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
``My life is all math. I am trying to add to my
income, subtract from my weight, divide my time,
and avoid multiplying.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next time someone starts quoting statistics at you, just remind them that
78% of all people who quote statistics make them up.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So you thought that your bolts and your locks would keep me out,
You should've known better after all this time,
You're gonna pay in blood for all your vicious slander,
With your ugly pale skins and your putrid blue eyes... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: dene...@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck)
Subject: UNC Fall '90 course corrections
NOTICE OF CHANGE IN COURSE SCHEDULE
===================================
Due to the well-publicized budget crunch at UNC, the Fall 1990 graduate
computer science course schedule has undergone some changes. The following
corrections take place immediately :
Replacing COMP 122 (ALGORITHMS AND ANALYSIS):
COMP 123 ALGORITHMS AND PSYCHOANALYSIS
Investigation into the motives of famous algorithm designers. Anal
retentive behavior among sort developers. Gardening habits of Prim, Kruskal,
Adel'son-Vel'skii, and Landis. Examples of Dijkstra's lecture tour routes.
Karp's early career as a brush salesman. Scavenger hunt successes of Boyer
and Moore, with discussion of recent losses to some new guy.
REQUIRED TEXT: 0 The Psychology of Computer Programming, Weinberg.
Replacing COMP 171 (NATURAL LANGUAGE PROCESSING):
COMP 175 SUPERNATURAL LANGUAGE PROCESSING
Tools and techniques in computer analysis of psychic communication.
Syntactic and semantic models of telepathy. Technical considerations for
power outages, especially within the context of the seance. Implications
of ``ghosts in the machine.'' Investigation of various interface strategies,
including tarot card readers, crystal trackballs, and ouija mousepads.
REQUIRED TEXT: 0 Time-Life ``Mysteries of the Unknown.''
Students will be required to READ THE BOOK.
Replacing COMP 213 (FILES AND DATABASES):
COMP 215 FILES NAND DATABASES
Due to budgetary limitations, the subject matter for this course
will be necessarily abridged. We might cover files; we might not. Ditto
for databases. But we certainly won't cover both. As a matter of fact, we
might not cover anything! Prerequisite: COMP 216
(Digital Logic Techniques), just to figure out your options.
REQUIRED TEXT: Maybe.
Replacing COMP 217 (INTRODUCTION TO PROGRAMMING
LANGUAGES):
COMP 218 INTRODUCTION IN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
Investigation of techniques (in various programming paradigms) of
creating the ``Hello World'' program. Generalization to other useless
programs. Introduction to NP-easy problems.
REQUIRED TEXT: 0 I Didn't Know You Could Do That With A Computer!
Replacing COMP 233 (DISCRETE EVENT SIMULATION):
COMP 235 DISCREET EVENT SIMULATION
Virtual realization of scenarios that most of us geeks will never
experience in real-life. Digitization of glossy pictures. Redesign of
WalkThru, and possible renaming of same. Techniques for interfacing with
various 1-900 numbers. Course project required; may need to be evaluated
several times by instructor.
REQUIRED TEXT: It's a secret.
Replacing COMP 238 (RASTER GRAPHICS):
COMP 239 RASTA GRAPHICS
Hey mon. Let me tell you, mon, you'll be likin' this course. We
be jammin' to many important concepts, mon. Rendering dreadlocks, mon.
Synchronization with MIDI sources of reggae, mon. Debugging with voodoo,
mon. You get the picture; get it, mon, ``Get the picture?'' I be seeing
you, mon. Take the course.
REQUIRED TEXT: None, but bring your Marley and Tosh cassettes.
Replacing COMP 290-1 (EXPERT SYSTEMS):
COMP 290-3 NOVICE SYSTEMS
Design, implementation, and testing of systems that simulate computer
novices. Observation and analysis of real novices in Mac Lab. Course
project required; end-of-semester demonstration constitutes substantial
portion of grade. ``Optimal' NS's will behave erratically at this demo:
complaining, crying, copying other students' disks, failing to do rudimen-
tary documentation, and bothering COMP 4 and 14 TA's to distraction. Extra
credit given for creative program generation.
REQUIRED TEXT: 0 Pascal, Koffman, but students are not allowed to
refer to it at any time.
Replacing COMP 290-2 (HIGHLY PARALLEL PROGRAMMING):
COMP 290-4 HIGHLY PERPENDICULAR PROGRAMMING
Design of multiprocessor machines, with the emphasis being on
non-cooperation among the nodes. Geometric theorem-proving by computer,
with varying approaches to internal representation of compass and
straightedge. Introduction to truly orthogonal programming constructs.
REQUIRED TEXT: Who'd write a text on this?
Replacing COMP 291 (PROFESSIONAL WRITING IN
COMPUTER SCIENCE):
COMP 292 CONFESSIONAL WRITING IN COMPUTER SCIENCE
This course further emphasizes UNC's strong commitment to building
a real sense of ethics in its students. If you're bound and determined to
cheat on the job, this course will provide you with the writing skills to
confess about it later. Through successive drafts, students refine their
public catharsis to a razor-sharpness that any politician would find
enviable. Special guest lecturers: Jimmy Swaggart, Robert Morris, Jr.
REQUIRED TEXT: None -- the STUDENTS write the book.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Hero awaits him like lamb to the butcher's knife,
Stellular heavens ignore even children's cries,
Screams are his music, lightning his guide,
Raping the darkness, d- d- d- d- death by his side..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
If builders built buildings the way programmers write
programs, the first woodpecker to come along would have destroyed
Civilization!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Digital Marketing Manager got married to a women who had been married eight
times before, and on his wedding night his wife informed him that she was still
a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomena. Her comments were as follows:
My first husband was a Digital Sales Representative who spent our entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ``it's gonna be great.''
My second husband was from Software Services, and he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me a documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was
diagnostically ok, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,
``Those who can do; those who can't teach.''
My fifth husband was from Digital's Manufacturing Organization who said that he
had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My sixth husband was a Digital engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state of the art method.
My seventh husband was from FinanceAdministration. His comment was that he
knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up
to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, ``Now I am married to you, a man of
marketing'' and the husband looked at his wife and simply said, ``I know I have
the product, I'm just not sure how to position it.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course I never wanted to be a Lumberjack; I wanted to be a
* P R O G R A M M E R *
Writing line after line as they compile within the mighty CPU of the
CRAY-1; the giant CDC 7600, the 370, the mighty 68040 with my pocket
protector in my side pocket we'd sing sing sing ...
The Programmer Song
===================
Oh, I'm a programmer and I'm O.K.
I work all night and I sleep all day
(chorus) He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I read my dumps, I take them to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays I finish debugging and write thirteen lines of C
(chorus) He types in code, he prints his dumps, he takes them to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays he finishes debugging and writes thirteen lines of C,
He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I branch and jump, I press the reset button
I write modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'
(chorus) He types in code, he branches and jumps, he presses the reset button,
He writes modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'!?! Yeecch!
He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I spill tape reels, punchcards, and cola
I wish I'd been an ME, just like my dear mama!
(chorus) He types in code, he spills tape reels, punchcards, and COLA!?!
<various outraged and incoherent deprecatory mumblings>
He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tl...@nyx.cs.du.edu)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Chants rise in terror, pray round the oaken beam,
Flickering firelight portraying the grisly scene,
Warriors advance, prepare for the nightmare foe,
Futile the sacrifices even the hearts must know..."
Gary Parilis
> %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
> From: e...@mtgzy.att.com (Evelyn C. Leeper)
> Cartoon Laws
> ============
> (Contributed by Trevor Paquette, Lt. Justin D. Baldwin)
I think you forgot a couple:
Cartoon Laws Ammendment A:
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a
pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with
great velocity.
----------------------
Cartoon Laws Ammendment B:
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself
without speaking.
------------------------
Cartoon Laws Ammendment C:
Explosive weapons (such as bullets ;-) cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
-------
Glen U. Sunada
Real programers do not use Pascal, Fortran, Assembler, or even Hexadecimal
codes. No REAL PRGRAMERS rewire the front pannel in BINARY CODES. Rember,
afterall that hexadecimal is just a user interface for binary, and all real
programmers frown on any user interface -it wastes time.
Craig Bennett
*** FOR SALE ***
For Sale: Used, Soviet made T-55 and T-72 tanks.
Need some work. Call 1-800-USARMY, ask
for Norman.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
) Disclaimer: I'm not sure if I agree with my Craig Bennett )
) opinions. I'm *sure* my employer Locus Computing Corp.)
) doesn't. Mail > cr...@locus.com )
) *** Always remember to... umm... umm... well never mind. )
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Once again, I have to digress from the humor, due to the amount of mail I
have been getting on the subject:
For those who asked, all the quotes at the bottom of the Jester postings
are from various records by the English group Marillion (actually from Fugazi,
Misplaced Childhood, Script for a Jester's Tear, Clutching at Straws & B-sides
Themselves).
For those who expressed their approval, I am sorry to say I am running out of
lyrics... (No, I won't quote from Season's End and/or Vigil...).
For those who don't give a rat's ass, back to the humor...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
From: ab...@cs.purdue.EDU (Tim Abels)
The 1989 Attorney Season and Bag Limit regulations:
===================================================
1. It is unlawful to shout ``whiplash,'' ``ambulance,'' or ``free scotch'' for
the purpose of trapping attorneys.
2. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, SAAB,
or Mercedes dealerships. It also is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200
yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances or hospitals.
3. It shall be unlawful to use $100 bills, prostitutes or vehicle accidents
to attract attorneys.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow mobile,
helicopter or aircraft.
5. Killing attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash.
6. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection
sticker.
7. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, female legal clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8. Taking attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency
as bait is prohibited.
9. Various bag limits are set for attorneys including:
- Brown-nosed judge kissers : 2,
- Back-stabbing divorce litigators : 4,
- Hairy-chinned civil libertarians : 7,
- Two-faced tort chasers : 2,
- Yellow bellied sidewinders : 2.
10. Note that honest attorneys are extinct.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So you say you believe in all of Mother Nature's laws,
You lust for gold with your sharpened knives,
Oooh, when your hordes are gathered and your enemies left to rot,
You pray with your blodstained hands at the feet of your pagan gods..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: ta...@abyss.pa.dec.com
Subject: Bambi's got a gun
We went to a party last Saturday night. One of the party-goers is
friend of ours who happens to be a policeman in Wayland.
He told this story about he and a friend who went to Maine to
go deer hunting. Seems they didn't get what they were after,
but that was OK because they had the last laugh.
They had brought with them an inflatable, man sized doll which
they dressed in hunter's clothing and tied it to the hood of their
car just before leaving to return home. They also had pullover
head masks that looked exactly like a deer which of course
they each put on and drove nonchalantly down the Maine turnpike.
To say that they caused a commotion would be an
understatement. They even got pulled over by a Maine
State Trooper who said that they were really doing
nothing wrong, but told them they were leaving a trail of
accidents behind and asked them to kindly remove the
costumes!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's-Pick-on-Someone-Else Joke
===============================
In order to test the national character of Spaniards, Frenchmen, Englishmen
and Russians a scientist put two men and a woman from each nationality
on a series of desert islands and left them for several months.
When he returned to the island where he had deposited the Spanish
trio, he found the woman alone and asked about the men. ``Oh, they
have shot each other dueling over me'', she said in disgust. At the
English island, the three people were standing in the same separate
corners where they had been left. When the scientist asked why, one
of the men replied, ``You forgot to introduce us properly.'' At the
French island, things were in perfect order and one man was tending a
well-manicured garden. How had it been so well organized and where
was the other couple, the scientist inquired. ``Simple'', explained
the gardening Frenchman. ``For three months, he was her lover. For
three months, I was. Now it is his turn again and they are off
somewhere while I do the gardening.''
Finally, at the Russian island, the scientist came upon the two men
holding a meeting, seated at a green felt-topped table, drinking
bottled narzan, soda water, and making boring speeches to each
other.
``Where is the woman?'' the scientist asked.
``The masses'', declared one man with masculine condescension, ``are
in the fields working.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's 2 obvious
==============
Here, if Professor A says something is obvious, it means that if you go home
and think about it for the rest of the afternoon, you will probably see that it
is true.
If Professor L says something is obvious, it means that if you go off and spend
the rest of your life considering it, the day might eventually come when you
see that it is true.
If Professor W says something is obvious, it means that the class has known
about it for the last two weeks.
If Professor F says something is obvious, it means that it is probably false.
Tim Pierce
twpi...@amherst.bitnet
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"And you try to place the killer's blade in my hands,
You call for justice, distort the truth,
Well I've had enough of all your pretty, pretty speeches,
Receive your punishment, expose you throats to my righteous claws,
And let the blood flow, let the blood flow, let the blood flow... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
======================================
(by Henry Spencer)
(1)Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements
with care, for verily its perception and judgment oft exceed thine.
(2)Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and
madness await thee at its end.
(3)Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected
type if they are not of that type already, even when
thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they
take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.
(4)If thy header files fail to declare the return types of
thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself
with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm
befall thy program.
(5)Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings
(indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest
``foo'' someone sosmallay shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
(6)If a function be advertised to return an error code in
the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that
code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of
thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for
if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods
shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.
(7)Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to reinvent
them without cause, that thy code may be short
and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
(8)Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure
clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace
Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity
is better used in solving problems than in creating
beautiful new impediments to understanding.
(9)Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first
six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome
and the years of its necessity stretch before thee
seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and
go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make
thy program run on an old system.
(10)Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile
heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'',
and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who
cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy
program may be long even though the days of thy current
machine be short.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Maybe it was infatuation, or the thrill of the chase,
Maybe you were always beyond my reach, and my heart was playing safe,
But was it love in your eyes I saw, or a reflection of mine?
I'll never really know for sure, you never really gave me time... "
Tim Pierce
> Cartoon Laws
> ============
>...
Cartoon Law IX:
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Pierce | "They call television a medium. That is
BITnet: twpierce@amherst | because it is neither rare nor well done."
Internet: twpi...@amherst.edu | - Ernie Kovacs
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: JR...@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Literary criticism meets COBOL
==============================
A team of American scholars have performed a detailed computer
analysis and they confirm that the language COBOL was invented
by William Shakespeare (and not by Bacon, Elizabeth I, Walter
Raleigh, Marlowe, Ben Johnson, or Don Knuth.) Taking a large
sample of known COBOL programs, and works by the above authors,
they performed a detailed analysis and confirm that COBOL
matched the Shakespearean style almost perfectly. It also
enabled them to identify various other works as COBOL programs
which were previously thought to be poetry. For example the
following is now known to be a genuine COBOL program.
``Let us ADD our INCOME to our CAPITAL, as the squirrel adds to
its autumn horde. Aye, there's the SUM that makes a TOTAL
WEALTH. 3000 DUCATS? Is this an EXPENDITURE I see before me?
Marry `tis best `twere TAKEN AWAY, like as the magpie taketh
away the jewel of great price. But hist! Here cometh the
INTEREST, and `tis of no mean interest, i' faith! I had lief ADD
a percentage of this, than clasp my fair Rosalind's spleen.''
Scholars have occasionally suspected that COBOL programs are
supposed to have a `hidden agenda', rather than being straight
works of art in themselves. One bizarre theory is that they may
contain numerical calculations embedded in them --- indeed some
scholars claimed that a Baconian cipher was involved. This seems
implausible however.
Analysis of FORTRAN programs is next on the list --- can `Into
the Valley of Death GOTO 600' really be by Alfred Lord Tennyson,
or is just a pastiche of his style? Nobody knows for sure.
On the other hand, scholars are fairly sure than the C language
was devised by James Joyce --- mainly because, like Joyce, most
of it is totally unreadable.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"You pick out your credit cards and check into the night,
A dozen tequilas and you're feeling all right,
So you swim to the disco, out of your depth, cheated gigolo,
Your lucky charms are tarnished so you leave alone... "
Jim Showalter
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
> The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
> ======================================
> (by Henry Spencer)
>(1)Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements
>with care, for verily its perception and judgment oft exceed thine.
Not necessary with Ada: built into the compiler.
>(3)Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected
>type if they are not of that type already, even when
>thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they
>take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.
Built into type model in Ada--program cannot compile without
doing this.
>(4)If thy header files fail to declare the return types of
>thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself
>with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm
>befall thy program.
Built into type model in Ada--program cannot compile unless
you do this.
>(5)Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings
>(indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest
>``foo'' someone sosmallay shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
Done for you automatically in Ada, as is range checking for
any other type.
>(6)If a function be advertised to return an error code in
>the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that
>code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of
>thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for
>if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods
>shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.
Errors returned as exceptions in Ada--cannot be overlooked/ignored.
>(7)Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to reinvent
>them without cause, that thy code may be short
>and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
Ada provides generics to more strongly support reuse.
>(8)Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure
>clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace
>Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity
>is better used in solving problems than in creating
>beautiful new impediments to understanding.
Unecessary in Ada: keywords are used instead of braces, and are
not optional--dangling else problem is eliminated.
>(9)Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first
>six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome
>and the years of its necessity stretch before thee
>seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and
>go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make
>thy program run on an old system.
Not necessary in Ada--Ada provides separate compilation,
namespace restriction, external name qualification, and
library management. No limit on identifier length necessary.
Oh, you ask what is the joke?--that anybody still uses C.
--
***** DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed herein are my own. Duh. Like you'd
ever be able to find a company (or, for that matter, very many people) with
opinions like mine.
-- "When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Daylight Savings Time Reform
============================
(By Richard S. Holmes)
It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).
Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarrassing, but not catastrophic.
But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose
an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss church, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.
There is no need for such tragic waste. We can, we should, and we must urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:
Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but twenty-three hours backward.
Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.
Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us subtract three days.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday which, according to
recent polls, are the least popular days.
If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.
The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determined
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.
Write your congressperson today!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"But there's one place left to go before the taxi home,
After all, you made your marks,
Forever kissing frogs that think they are princes,
Oh Lady Nina, where'd all the romance go?
Simos Hadjiyiannis
During the French Revolution, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer
were all sentenced to the guillotine. The doctor went first.
Reasoning that cutting the carotid arteries caused fastest and
least painful death, he positioned himself face up.
The executioner pulled the lever. The blade dropped, but stuck before
it hit the doctor. So he went free.
The same thing happened with the lawyer.
When it was the engineer's turn, just as the executioner was about to
drop the blade, he said
``Wait, I see the problem.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a mad scientist (a mad social scientist) who kidnapped
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and
found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket
trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin
cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm
and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to
the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall,
and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves
lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, ``I've got an
idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry
our voices far.''
So he leans over the basket and yells out, ``Helllloooooo!
Where are we?'' (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: ``Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!''
One of the men says, ``That must have been a mathematician.''
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, ``Why do you say that?''
The reply: ``For three reasons. First, he took a long time to
answer; second, he was absolutely correct; and, third, his answer was
absolutely useless.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case : In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses
in that set are the same color.
Case : Suppose you have a set of horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have horses. Suppose that all of
these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took
out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the horses
now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all
the same color. We have true true; therefore all horses are
the same color.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity;
therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma it doesn't exist.
QED
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: ``For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and
want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.''
The doctor says: ``It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.''
The mathematician says: ``You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.''
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Your little sister babysits, your husband picks you up at six,
The makeup hides the bruises and the tears so they never show,
'Cause your beauty is the only thing you've ever owned,
It's the only way you've ever known to make your marks... "
Gianluca Tempesti
>had...@cat49.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis) writes:
>
>>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
>> The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
>> ======================================
>
>> (by Henry Spencer)
>
>>(1)Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements
>>with care, for verily its perception and judgment oft exceed thine.
>
>Not necessary with Ada: built into the compiler.
Real Programmers(TM) don't use Ada!!!
******************************************************************
* * *
* temp...@phoenix.princeton.edu * NEVER PISS OFF A COBRA ! *
* * *
* * *
* Gianluca Tempesti * FORZA JUVE !!!! *
* * *
******************************************************************
Carl Schelin
>
When I can purchase an ADA compiler for ~50, then I'll consider it. The
only two ADA compilers that I know of are very expensive (and slow!).
The one guy said that it took 11 hours on a 386 to recompile the
compiler. With an expensive, proprietory memory board. How about
buying an ADA compiler for ~500 bucks. Maybe even then (although
I doubt it).
Until that point...
Joke:
I saw a book at the bookstore (as opposed to the local gas station:)
It's called "The Official Computer Widow's (and Widower's) Handbook"
by "Experts on Computer Widow/Widowerhood"
It's a very funny book and my wife says I fit most of the descriptions
in the book.
Reprinted without permission:
----------------------------------------------------
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1: The Obsessed Computer User: A Psychological Profile
Chapter 2: Computer Widowhood Survival Tactics
Chapter 3: Writings of Computer Widow/Widower's Contest
Winners
Chapter 4: The Lingering, Longing Laptop of Love
Chapter 5: Dead Men Don't Breathe
Chapter 6: Fifty Things to do While Your Spouse is Computing
Chapter 7: Amusement for the Compter Widow/Widower
Chapter 8: The Computer Widow's Guide to Computers
Chapter 9: Dear Digital Dave
Chapter 10: Computer Widows/Widowers of America
Chapter 6: Fifty Things to do While Your Spouse is Computing
3. Change the oil in your car; drain the oil in spouse's car.
5. Shampoo the carpets, except around where the computer is. Run
all the floppy disks through the dishwasher. (Warning: If you do
this, first go to court to get a restraining order.)
19. Hide all the Doritos and pretend you know nothing about it.
21. Trick your spouse into coming to bed by leaving a trail of Doritos
from the computer to the bedroom.
26. Learn to take computers apart, and do it daily.
38. Reorganize your spouse's computer desk...daily.
48. Feed your spouse a new dish every night. Leave out one
of the ingredients.
Chapter 7: Amusement for the Computer Widow/Widower
Q) What's a serial port?
A) Red wine poured over your grape nuts.
Q) What's a computer hacker?
A) Somebody who gets distracted by a program and swallows
a potato chip by mistake.
[There are three crossword puzzles along with other jokes]
It goes for 7.95 and has an ISBN of 0-945776-15-2
Carl Schelin
t...@mailer.jhuapl.edu
Carl Schelin
>
>It's called "The Official Computer Widow's (and Widower's) Handbook"
> by "Experts on Computer Widow/Widowerhood"
>
>
>It goes for 7.95 and has an ISBN of 0-945776-15-2
>
Whoops, I was reminded that I forgot something.
Publisher: Computer Publishing Enterprises
Address: P.O. Box 23478
San Diego, CA 92123
The "by"-line is correct. There is a list of Editors, Illustrators,
and Art Directors so I assume that this is a compilation.
Carl Schelin (again)
t...@mailer.jhuapl.edu
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
====================================================
``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent. Please
return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing
``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and
most uncomfortable positions.''
``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle,
please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the
terminal.''
``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead
we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.''
``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a
child, put on your oxygen mask first ''
``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories. If you are caught smoking
in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once
we reach 35,000 feet.''
``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small
children you may have brought on board.''
After reading to the safety rules to the passengers after takeoff:
``If you do not follow these rules we will be forced to ask you
to leave.''
``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't,
this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.''
From a PSA captain: ``We hear that AirCal and American are going to
merge. They're going to call the new airline CalCan.''
``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent
into San Diego.''
``Welcome to San Diego The Captain is a much better flyer than
he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain
seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.''
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Ebony flowers pinned to a velvet cushion in a red light,
And Edith Piaf sings a lullaby for the night,
Just made your marks, just made your marks... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Capabilities of C Programmers
=============================
novice:
-- puts ``include stdio.h'' in his code - but is not sure why,
-- has heard of pointers---but has never seen one.
user:
-- has had a bad experience with pointers,
-- knows the difference between ' and ".
knowledgeable:
-- uses: if (a==b) c=1; else c = 0;
-- uses pointers - but only in place of arrays,
-- loves writing code on VMS.
expert:
-- uses: c = (a==b) ? 1 : 0;
-- uses pointers comfortably,
-- is jazzed when he finds a compiler bug because he found it,
-- has figured out what && and || are for,
-- refuses to write C code on VMS.
hacker:
-- uses: c = a==b;
-- writes code which use pointers to functions,
-- writes macros instead of simple functions,
-- uses bitwise operators because they are like assembler,
-- writes simple code with ``cat '' and compiles it with ``!cc'',
-- uses argv and argc.
guru:
-- avoids bitwise operators due to portability,
-- is annoyed with compiler bugs,
-- writes code portable enough to port from VMS but doesn't relish the thought,
-- can answer most C questions after a little thought.
wizard:
-- writes compilers with ``cat '' (and they work!),
-- reads device driver source with breakfast,
-- can tell what question you are about to ask - and answer it,
-- is on a first-name basis with Dennis, Bill, and Ken.
Wade Guthrie
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Schnapping my fingers on an alcocholiday,
Sniff round a Fraulein when I'm scent to Cologne,
All night hotel Liebling made your mark,
Let sugar daddy melt in his home sweet home... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
A particularly insidious kind of sales call now appearing in several
cities is one which is initiated by computer, and contains recorded
questions by some mellifluous voice that requires answers in simple
digits or ``yes'' and ``no''. A voice recognition circuit then processes
your answers and asks further questions based on your former answers.
The sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious
as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the
slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound
up in an endless loop, as follows:
[phone] *****RINGGGGGGGGGG*****
[answering machine] ``At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Hello. This is [companyname], and we are taking a telephone
survey. When I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you to verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEP.''
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought
it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
< BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP >
[phone] ``Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
[phone] ``This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP.''
[answering machine] ``BEEEEEP.''
< END LOOP >
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.
Dave Kirby
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"On the waves of silver I dreamed of gold,
'Til I lost the peace that dreaming gives,
I dreamed of the moment of my own death,
That no one ever dreams and lives... "
A Stainless Steel Rat
In article <1991Mar1.1...@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu> t...@mailer.jhuapl.edu (Carl Schelin) writes:
[ ada propaganda deleted :-) ]
>When I can purchase an ADA compiler for ~50, then I'll consider it. The
>only two ADA compilers that I know of are very expensive (and slow!).
>The one guy said that it took 11 hours on a 386 to recompile the
>compiler. With an expensive, proprietory memory board.
Wow! To think a friend of mine was seriously pissed off when it took 5 WHOLE
MINUTES!!! to compile a new c compiler!!! (with level 4 optimisation on a mips)
ada freaks: ha ha ha. suck shit.
Remember: Language not only determines the way you think and what you can think
about, it also determines the nature and extent of brain damage suffered.
raf
--
Robert A Fabian | I read a book once.
r...@basser.cs.su.oz.au | Green it was.
Basser Department of Computer Science | - Porridge
University of Sydney |
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: pdb...@mipl3.jpl.nasa.gov (Paul Bartholomew)
Music Education
===============
(These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the
state of Missouri.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.)
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on
the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"The fool escaped from paradise will look over his shoulder and cry,
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why?
As you grow up and leave the playground where you kissed your prince,
And found your frog, remember the jester that showed you tears... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: cha...@sparky.eecs.umich.edu (Charles Jacob Cohen)
What are the basic rules in male/female relationships?
======================================================
1.The female always makes The Rules.
2.The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
3.No male can possibly know all The Rules.
4.If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules,
she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7.If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.
8.The female may change her mind at any time.
9.The male must never change his mind without the
expressed written consent of the female.
10.The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the
female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.The female must under no circumstances let the male
know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14.The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat,
lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
15.Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16.If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
17.The female is ready when she is ready.
18.The male must be ready at all times.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So I'll hold my peace forever as you wear your bridal gown,
In the silence of my shame the mute that sang the siren's song,
Has gone solo in the game, I've gone solo in the game,
But the game is over, the game is over...Can you still say you love me?"
Simos Hadjiyiannis
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
----------------------------------------------------
Your question was:
-----------------
Oh, most mighty and powerful, magnificous and most excellent, oracle!
I would humbly prostrate myself before thy enlightened holiness, but
somewhere I heard prostration was hazardous to typing, and that you hate
typos, so I have assumed that you would excuse me.
My question:
Oh, allseeing oracle, you must know that I have always wanted to
be a hermit, to live in the woods far away from the tedious
and often ridiculous strugglings of my fellow human beings, to
live in a cave and commune with the stars and the grass and
the trees and all that nature stuff.
But nowhere can I discover references on how to become one.
Oh, please, please, please tell me what I should do to be a
hermit.
(like, do I need a permit for it in certain places,
how do I find a cave, what to eat, how to dress, etc.)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
--------------------------------------
Verily do I hate typos. If it wasn't for the fact that I know what
people are typing anyway, such errors would interfere with my
effectiveness. Since this question contains no visible typos, I will
gladly provide you with all the information you need to set yourself up
as a hermit.
The first thing you must do is find a cave. The best caves are to be
found in Tibet, but few potential hermits can afford the airfare. Thus
a low-cost cave must be located. Do not look in cities or on freeways
as good caves are shy and keep away from people, which also suits the
hermits who live in them. Seek a forest or an unoccupied piece of
coastline and search for a cave there. Note that bears, politicians and
other such dangerous animals do not appreciate intrusions so keep away
from their caves.
Once you have a cave of your own, you must keep the community happy.
The stars, grass, trees and everything else worth communing with should
NOT be insulted. Do not say ``Hey grass, you aren't good enough for
rabbits to piss on'' or ``You call yourself a tree???''. Of course, you
need a food source. Do not expect to be able to commune with this, as
it will avoid ``talking'' to you. A commonly hidden fact of hermits is
that they speciallise in not-communing-with-grass, not-communing-with-
berries, not-communing-with-tasty-little-bugs, and other similar
aspects.
You will need a plethora of permits. Vital ones include regional cave
permits, job permits (what we call hermit-permits) and not-talking-to-
people permits. These can be found in any administration cave,
detectable by the ``buy a plethora of permits here'' signs out front.
Dress casually, as changing costume detracts from the concentration, so
choose something you are prepared to wear for at least ten years. Many
failed hermits make the classic mistake of changing clothes twice per
day, and discover that in the limited life span available they spend 25
changing clothes, 30 sleeping, 15 eating and defecating, 20 wondering
what they are doing and 9 actually discovering what they are doing.
This leaves a mere 1 of available time to ponder life's secrets, during
which they do not sufficiently learn even the basic principles of life.
Hermit Unions exist throughout the world and can be an invaluable source
of ideas. As hermits consider themselves superior to standard humans,
they deem it wise to gather and share their discoveries with one
another. Note that they also take a dim view of non-registered hermits,
considering them selfish. Not joining a union can lead to picket lines
being set up outside your cave, totally ruining your concentration.
Lastly, work on improving your memory. If you write things down you
will expose the secrets of the universe to every passer-by. This would
lead to hermits becoming redundant and you would be out of a job. Keep
all of your secrets mentally filed. Courses in memory management are
available at all good administration caves, so select your cave and then
immediately seek out the local admin cave.
These pointers are all that is needed to start a career as a hermit.
Dedicate yourself to your cause, and enjoy deciphering the mysteries.
Good luck.
You owe the Oracle a thorough summary of the mysteries of the universe
in which every third word begins with the letter 'S'.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"I never did write that love song, the words just never seemed to flow,
Now sad in reflection, did I gaze through perfection,
And examine the shadows on the other side of mourning,
Promised wedding now a wake, THIS IS A WAKE !!!..."
Don Dillon
*** FOR SALE ***
For Sale: Used, Soviet made T-55 and T-72 tanks.
Need some work. Call 1-800-USARMY, ask
for Norman.
Runs great forward, reverse gear burned out.
col...@ecs.umass.edu
> %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
> Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
> ====================================================
>
> merge. They're going to call the new airline CalCan.''
Reminds me of the favorite joke when I worked at a Stop&Shop supermarket
many long years ago: "Did you hear that Stop&Shop and A&P are going to merge?
They're going to call it Stop&P."
Heard this one on a United flight some years back:
"We will be serving dinner shortly. Tonight you have a choice of [some beef
derivative], [some chicken derivative], or [some veggie dish]. If you can't
make up your mind which one you want, don't worry; they all taste about the
same anyway."
And my dad heard this coming into Bangor on a foggy night, after missing the
runway and having to go around:
"Oops! We're going to circle back and try that one again. If we make it, I'll
let you know"
.__o Chip Olson, UMass_Amherst c...@ucs.umass.edu | col...@ecs.umass.edu
_-\_<, "All along the icy wastes there are faces smiling in the gloom"
(*)/'(*) -Jethro Tull.
Don Dillon
And my favorite is :
We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats
in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Don { Go Niners } Dillon
INTERNET : do...@hpmwtd.hp.com
HPDESK : Don Dillon /HP5700/UX
TELNET : 577-2869
PHONE : 707-577-2869
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Why I like the IBM 3090
=======================
First, there's the wonderful operating system, VM/SP,
which has so many advantages! Here are some of my favorites!
1. All of your files are in the same directory, you don't have to
worry about subdirctories and other nonsense.
2. For file names, not only do you get a file name, but you also get a
file type and a file mode, with the name and type each being an
astounding 8 characters, plus a 2 character file mode, way more than
I ever had on my Apple II.
3. If you create a small file, it automatically makes sure it takes up
one 4K block on your disk, so you can add up to 4K of data to the
same file and not take any more disk space! WOW!!!!!
4. When you get an account you get an entire cylinder to yourself, an
amazing 465K, which is more than my 51/4 inch, single sided,
low density PC disk.
5. If a FORTRAN file is too long (250 lines) to compile on your disk
because the temp files fill up your cylinder, all you have to do is
unlink your A disk, create a big temporary disk, attach that as your
A disk, attach your old A disk as another disk, copy the source file
to the new A disk, then compile it.
6. You never have to worry about background processes, redirection, or
piping because the 3090 doesn't have any! Or command histories!
7. Out here (WSU) we are privileged to have RESLIM, which makes sure that
you don't use any more CPU time than you want to or have to.
8. We also have system administrators who also make sure we don't use
more CPU than we have to, not to mention they tell us what we can
and can not do, and what they think they legally can and can not do,
such as maintenance on our accounts to make sure there is nothing
wrong with any of our personal files.
9. If any files have sat in your reader/mailbox too long, they will
automatically be discarded for you.
10. And finally, all of the 0 useful on-line help! All you have to know
is the name of the command and whether it is in CP or CMS or SOFTWARE
or one of the other help menus, and you can get a great description
of that command and some examples how to use it like you would want
to every day!
Not only is the operating system fantastic, they have an awesome full
screen editor, XEDIT. Boy, it's quite a step up from EDLINE on my PC!
Just look how powerful it is:
1. If you want to move your cursor to the middle of the screen, all you
do is hold down the arrow keys until you get there.
2. If you wanna delete a whole bunch of characters in the middle of the
line all you have to do is hold down the DELETE key until they all
magically dissappear.
3. If you wanna insert something, all you do is hit the INSERT key and
type in what you want, unless it's too long for that line, then all
you gotta do is split the line where you want by using the PF11 key,
which, if you are on a VT100, is just an ESC minus sign.
4. After you do any commands in that neat prefix area, your cursor
almost always goes back to the command line at the bottom of the
screen.
5. You never have to worry about anything nasty like tab keys, there are
no tab stops by default (unless you wanna set them)
6. And, unless you tell it otherwise, XEDIT always creates fixed length
lines of 80 characters, so if you ever want to put more stuff on the
same line sometime later, there is room for it!!
Add to all of this such things as COBOL, disk linking, EBCDIC
character set (I mean who says J should follow I?), and even
some awesome graphics capabilities, and you'll have to agree that the
IBM 3090 is the system for me!!!!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"To be the prince of possession in the galery of contempt,
Suffering your indiscreet discretions, and you ask me to relent,
As you accumulate flirtations with the calculated candice of the whore,
Looking in shades os green through shades of blue... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: vi...@decwrl.UUCP (Paul A Vixie)
The Toaster
===========
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his
advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in
the top, a control knob, and a lever. ``What do you think this is?''
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. ``It is a toaster,'' he said. The
king asked, ``How would you design an embedded computer for it?'' The
engineer replied, ``Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple
program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of
16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use
that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer
values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer
with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time
delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next
week, and I'll show you a working prototype.''
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger
of such short-sighted thinking. He said, ``Toasters don't just turn bread
into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before
you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom
become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will
need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and
make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be
obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely
redesign the toaster in just a few years.''
``With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the
problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class
into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process
should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and
waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided
into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and
various omelet classes.''
``The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must
inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus,
we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple
inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and
send a message to the object that says, `Cook yourself.' The semantics of
this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a
different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.''
``Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed
that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the
design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically,
we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course,
users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so
concurrent processing is required, too.''
``We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food
lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the
product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the
breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the
screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears
on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the
market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to
cook.''
``Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for
the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard
disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a
multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance
and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the
difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first
design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!).''
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived
happily ever after.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"To don the robes of Torquemada, to resurrect the inquisition,
And in that tortured subtle manner, inflict the questions within questions,
Looking in shades of green through shades of blue,
I trust to trust in me to mistrust you... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: cyo...@taux01.UUCP ( Yossie Silverman )
New Operating System
====================
Because so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater
capability than IBM's current VM system, IBM announces the Virtual
Universe Operating System, OS/VU.
Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a
machine of his own, but an entire universe dedicated to his actions, in
which he can set up and take down his own programs, data sets, systems
networks, personnel, national entities, world trade systems, and
planetary and solar systems. He need only specify the universe he
desires, and the OS/VU system generation program (IBHGOD) does the rest.
This program will reside in SYS1.GODLIB. The minimum time required for
this function is six days of dedicated machine time and one day of review.
In conjunction with OS/VU, all system utilities have been replaced by one
program (IEHPROPHET) which will reside in SYS1.MESSIAN. This program
requires no parms or control cards as it knows what you want to do when it
is executed.
Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophistication
in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of OS/VU is to be
achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for instance, can lead
to unexpected and lengthy delays in the execution of a job. Although IBM,
through its wholly owned subsidiary the United States, is working on a
program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead of
extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be still be
careful to stay well within the present laws of physics. IBM must charge
an additional fee for violations.
OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx ultraprocessor equipped with the Extended
WARP Feature. Rental prices are commensurate with the processor
performance, and should be negotiated prior to ordering to insure proper
understanding of the rental contract obligations.
Users should be aware that IBM is planning to migrate all existing systems
and hardware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers and programmers effect one
output that is (conceptually) error-free. This will give IBM a base for
development of an even more powerful operating system, targeted for year
2001, designated Virtual Reality, OS/VR. OS/VR is planned to enable the
user to migrate to totally unreal universes, of a free form nature and
completely unrelated to present reality as currently defined by IBM. To
aid the user in identifying the difference between Virtual Reality and
Actual Reality (commonly termed Native Reality), a master file
containing a linear arrangement of multisensory total records of
successive moments of new will be established. It will be designated
SYS1.EST. Programming announcements concerning OS/VR will be
telepathically forwarded as they are available, rendering it no longer
necessary to contact your IBM data processing representative for more
information.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"I am the harlequin with diamonded costume dripping shades of green,
I am the harlequin, sense strangers violate my sanctuary, prowl my dreams,
Plundering your diaries, steal your thoughts...innocence,
Ravaging your letters, unearth your plots...innocence, what a surprise..."
Bsmart
> > Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
> > ====================================================
> >
ladies & gentlemen, we're about to start our final descent into
Auckland. Please fasten your seatbelts, and don't forget to set your
watches back 20 years!"
Dojun Yoshikami
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
> Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
> ====================================================
When I was travelling Midway Airlines from Chicago to IAD, there was a
steward (not stewardess) who clowned around. He decided to spruce up the
FAA required patomime. He said various things such as:
The airplane is equipped with seatbelts. To tighten, pull on the strap.
Pull harder if you're on a diet...
In case of decompression, Oxygen masks appear. Put one on yourself first,
then on your child, if you feel like it.
Later on when the seat belt signs went off, he started to say "Capp Willby
has..." and the captain interrupted "The Captain has turned off the
sealt belt sign, we advise you to keep them on ..(yawn)." After the captain
finished, the steward said "Ahem!! As I was saying, The seatbelt signs...."
JOSEPH T CHEW
>> ====================================================
>> [stuff deleted]
The best I personally heard (in retrospect) was from a captain of an
airline that shall go unnamed. While ground crews fought some gremlin
in the L-1011 for about 45 minutes, he distracted us by reading its
specifications over the loudspeaker, followed by some of the instructions
for flying it.
If we hadn't been leaving San Francisco at midnight in order to arrive
in Atlanta at rush hour, it undoubtedly would have been fascinating.
--Joe
"Just another personal opinion from the People's Republic of Berkeley"
Charlie Lear
Asshole... 8-)
Heard on a Pan Am ex Sydney, pre-takeoff:
<engines winding up>
"Uhh, hello, this is your Captain speakin" - Texas drawl
<brakes off>
"HANG ON to your HATS, ladies and gentlemen, we're ROLLIN'!"
--
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie "The Bear" Lear | cl...@cavebbs.gen.nz | Kawasaki Z750GT DoD#0221
The Cave MegaBBS +64 4 642260 V32 | PO Box 2009, Wellington, New Zealand
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: ste...@cunixc.cc.columbia.edu (Steven E. Harari)
Impure Mathematix
=================
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young
Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian
Curly PI, and factored (oh horrors!).
Once upon a time Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a
field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly
large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it
an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without
her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables
that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored
this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made
her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in
from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became
tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola
touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she
reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was
protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep
gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself
inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi,
was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He
wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate
improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly
Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see
at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was
bent on no good.
``Arcsinh!'' she gasped.
``Ho, Ho,'' he said. ``What a symmetric little asymptote you have.
I can see your angles have lots of secs.''
``Oh, Sir,'' she protested, ``keep away from me. I haven't got my
brackets on.''
``Calm yourself, my dear,'' said our suave operator. ``Your fears
are purely imaginary.''
``i, i,'' she thought. ``Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous.''
``What order are you?'' the brute demanded.
``Seventeen,'' replied Polly.
Curly leered, ``I suppose you've never been operated on.''
``Of course not,'' Polly replied quite properly, ``I'm absolutely
convergent!''
``Come, come,'' said Curly. ``Let's off to a decimal place I know
and I'll take you to the limit.''
``Never!'' gasped Polly.
``Abscissa!!!'' he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a
natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The
algoritmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand
tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon
be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's
radius squared itself; Polly's locii quivered. He integrated
her by parts. He integrated her by fractions. After he
cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast
even went all the way around and did a contour integration.
Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis.
Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was
no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the
months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically.
Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and
drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
``If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow
them a single degree of freedom.''
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So if you want my address, it's number one at the end of the bar,
Where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws,
And nursing our scars, blame it on me, blame it on me,
Sugar mice in the rain, your daddy took a raincheck... "
Bsmart
>
> Asshole... 8-)
>
Well! :-) <-- Note the somewhat "beadier" little eyes
Lest I offend anyone's national pride, let me add that I thoroughly
enjoyed my stay in NZ, but I was a bit surprised to learn (on the next
leg of the trip) that the reason we had to make an extra trip around the
pattern before landing at Christchurch was that we had to wait for the
ground crews to finish chasing the sheep off the runway!
I swear I'm not making this up (although that doesn't necessarily mean
it's true; I didn't personally SEE any sheep on the runway, I only saw
some nearby after we landed). This is what the stewardess told us, and
from her accent I'm guessing she was a New Zealander.
Note to fellow Americans: Don't order a "chili burger" in NZ unless you
REALLY mean it....
Simos Hadjiyiannis
This is just a test, cause I think daffy is
screwed up...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"...The Jester..."
Duke McMullan n5gax
(Simos Hadjiyiannis) writes:
> Simos Hadjiyiannis
> "...The Jester..."
Migod...DUCK!!!!
d
--
boogeriod (booh-gur-oyd): clot of nasal mucus so substantial it must be
brought down the back stairs and made to exit via the mouth
-- from _Grosseries_, by Kelly & Todd
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee53...@triton.cirt.unm.edu
Dave Peel
>screwed up...
Hope he enjoyed it!!!!
> Simos Hadjiyiannis
> "...The Jester..."
Dave (Nighthawk)
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Contributed by Marc Jacobson, 'cause his news-server/mailer is on strike...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
From: ma...@fidobox.uucp (Mark Jacobson)
Dear Grandson,
We're writing this slow, because we know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper
where most accidents happen within 20 miles of the home so we
moved.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four
shirts in it. I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It
only rained twice this week - three days the first time and four
days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you - your aunt sue said it
would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the big,
heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, saying, "If we didn't
make the last payment on great grandma's funeral bill, up she
comes."
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We
cremated him, and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One
was driving. The other two were in the back. The driver got out.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two
drowned, because they couldn't get the tail-gate down. There is
not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened, we'll
write more later.
Love,
Grandma & Grandpa
P.S. We were going to send some money, but we already had this
envelope sealed.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"A hit man for the order, when you couldn't go to school,
Had a skin-job for a hair-do, yeah you looked pretty cool,
Had a habit doing mainline, watch the dragon burn,
No regrets, you've got no goals, nothing more to learn... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
From: Je...@malibu.sedd.trw.com (Jeff Pesis)
THE COMPUTER EXPERT'S GLOSSARY
==============================
ADA:Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
Useful in sentences like, ``We had better develop an ADA awareness.''
Bug:An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of ``debugging,'' or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
Cache:A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
is supposed to know is there.
Design:What you regret not doing later on.
Documentation:Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
speaking persons.
Economies of scale:The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that
if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to
buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of
faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity.
Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and
all those limitations.
Hardware:The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Information Center:A room staffed by professional computer people whose job
it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing:What you call data processing when people are so
disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
Machine-indepenent program:A program that will not run on any machine.
Meeting:An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person
or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.
Minicomputer:A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
manager.
Office Automation:The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
On-line:The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Pascal:A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
grave if he knew about it.
Performance:A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be
working over in Jersey about a month ago.
Priority:A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly
than someone else.
Quality control:Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of
hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
Regression analysis:Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why
things are getting worse.
Strategy:A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
after those creating it have left the organization.
Systems programmer:A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with
the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone
call you are to receive from your boss.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Now I know you won't refuse, because we've got so much to do,
And you've got nothing more to lose, so take this number, and welcome...
To Operation Mindcrime, we're an uderground revolution working overtime,
There's job for you in the system boy, with nothing to sign... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
NEW COMPUTER HARDWARE MAINTENANCE PROGRAM
=========================================
Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer
program that, through fresh application of an old technique,
virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer
components. Called OREMA (from latin ``oremus'', meaning ``let us
pray''), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for
the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other
elements subject to depravity.
Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and
intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and
FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an
automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for
mounting tapes and making responses, such as ``Amen'', or ``And With
Thy Spirit'', on the console typewriter.
Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but
Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU
by internal subroutines.
Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles
known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as
needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer
reels are available for government installations.
In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 the
average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's
spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only
against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human
blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later
version to be called SIN-OREMA.
--- Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the
source, W.S. Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the
American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Hey Nikki, you know everything that there is to do,
Here's a gun, take it home, wait by the phone,
We'll send someone over to bring you what you need,
You're a one-man death machine, make this city bleed..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Here's a list of famous quotes and words of wisdom developed by the engineers
from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard. Over a
period of several days they slowly appeared on a centrally located white-board.
One day I copied them down to save for posterity.
Brett Carver
br...@hpnmd.hp.com
A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes:
``Code so clean you can eat off it.''
``Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school.''
--- Bruce Springsteen
``Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth
a new application.'' --- from The Gettysbug Address
``If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.'' --- Lab manager
``Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.''
--- Marketing manager
``I think therefore I create bugs.'' --- Descartes
``Debug is human, de-fix divine.''
``There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him.''
--- P. T. Bugem
The Bugs Of Wrath --- John Steinbug
``There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works.''
--- unknown consultant
Final message received from the Titanic: ``Fatal crash due to icebug.''
``Bugs Bunny was an optimist.''
``One small bug for man, one great program for mankind.''
--- N. Armstrong
``The bug is mightier than the fix.'' --- Cyrano deBuggerac
``Man does not live by bug fixes alone.'' --- The Super-User
``For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered.''
``The bug stops here.'' --- H. Trubug
``Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.'' --- Rhett Buggler
``I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country.''
--- Nathan Hale
``I have just begun to debug.''
`` Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth;
the bug hath been found and thy program runneth.
And he that was dead came forth " --- John 11:43-44
``Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight.''
``I never met a bug I didn't like.'' --- Will Rogers
``A feature is a bug with seniority.''
``This time I'm going to get that cwwwwazzy ewwwor.''
--- Elmer Fud
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"They've given me a mission, don't really know the game yet,
I'm bent on submission, religion is to blame, I'm the new messiah,
Death angel with a gun, dangerous in my silence, deadly to my cause,
Speak to me the pain you feel, speak the word, the word is all of us..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Mudder's Rapsody
=================
by Ken "Hawkeye" Keys
(to the tune of "Bohemian Rasphody" by Queen)
Is this the RealLife (tm), or a virtual reality
Caught in a MUD slide, no escape from this fantasy
Open your eyes, look up at your CRT
I'm just a MUDder, I need no topology
Because I'm easy come easy go
'cause I've got a macro
Any way the link goes, doesn't really matter to me... to me
Wizard, I just killed a girl
She had TinySex with me, then I found out she's a he
And Wizard, he was logging it
And now he's posted it on rec.games.mud
Wizard, ooh ooh ooh oooh,
Didn't mean to make you @toad me
If I'm not logged on this time tomorrow
@recycle me, @recycle me, and @recycle all my objects
Too late, my account's run out
Gonna kick me off the net, I have no client to connect
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you on this MUD and face RealLife(tm)
Wizard, ooh ooh ooh ooh
I don't want to go
I sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all
I see a silly @description of a man
Gotta MUD! Gotta MUD! Will you do the BONK-OIF thing
Whisper-bombs and killing, very very thrilling, OIF!
TinyTalk, FooTalk, TinyFugue, TinyWar
TinyWar does not exist.
Where did it go-o-o-o?
I'm just a MUDder, I need no topology
He's just a MUDder sitting at a CRT
Spare his eyes from radioactivity
Easy come, easy go, 'cause I've got a macro
Islandia, No!
We will not let you go
Let it go!
Islandia, No!
We will not let you go
Let it go!
Never, never, never let it go, go, go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
It is sinking, it is sinking, it is sinking, let it go.
Islandia is sinking beneath the sea, the sea, the sea!
So you think you can BONK me and slap me HIGH5.
So you think you can spoof me, pretend you are I.
Oh, mucker. Don't do this to me mucker.
Just gotta log out, just gotta get off of this port.
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters to me.
Any way the link goes.
BONK.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"I've given my life to become what I am, to reach a new beginning,
To make you understand, to reach some point of order, utopia in mind,
You've got to learn to sacrifice, to leave what's now behind,
Speak to me, the pain you feel, speak the word, the word is all of us..."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Before you read this, please remember that is case of a nuclear holocaust, one
should follow the following four, easy to understand, steps:
1. Squat down low,
2. Put your hands on your knees,
3. Put your head between your legs,
4. ...and kiss your ass goodbye...
A message brought to you by Chernobil Entertainment Inc.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
==========================================
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-Day.
More Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
===============================================
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
1. Little things start bothering you: little things like
worms, bugs, ants.
2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6. People ignore you at parties.
7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Seven years of power the corporation claw,
The rich control the government, the media the law,
To make some kind of difference, then everyone must know,
Eradicate the fascists, revolution will grow... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Even is you get bored half-way through, I felt you should read this:
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
I haven't the faintest idea why, but I thought it sheer brilliance...
Simos
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the
Vanishing Point"
=========================================================================
The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe:
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.
=========================================================================
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" -Bill Davidsen
=========================================================================
"The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called
'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can see
that the world is flat!" - anon
=========================================================================
"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."
Alan Holbrook
=========================================================================
"I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...."
=========================================================================
Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!"
The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..."
=========================================================================
A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a
little bit."
Then of course, there's the way Keillor used to close his broadcast stories:
"That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women
are good looking, and all the children are above average."
Keillor has a sort of low-key, "Huh? Whuzzat?" humor that I'm very fond of.
I have a Steven King line I'm fond of too. It's from _The_Dead_Zone, and it's
not funny at all, but I find it to be true. Johnny Smith is talking to the
wealthy father of the boy he's been hired to tutor. The father says something
to the affect that there are three kinds of people in the world. 95 percent
of the people are drones, zeroes. One percent are saints and one percent
are devils, and that two percent are born the way they are. The other
three percent-the people who get the vast majority of things in the world
done-are the people who do what they say they will do.
=========================================================================
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." -- Sigmund Freud
=========================================================================
"a woman is only a woman,
but a good cigar is a smoke"
=========================================================================
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of
things. The decayed and degraded state of
moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that
Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per-
son who has nothing for which he is willing
to fight, nothing which is more important
than his own personal safety, is a miserable
creature and has no chance of being free unless
made and kept so by the exertions of better
men than himself.
--- John Stewart Mill
=========================================================================
Duty then is the sublimest word in the
English language. You should do your duty in
all things. You can never do more, you should
never wish to do less.
General Robert E. Lee
======================================================================
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
no confusion.
-- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
======================================================================
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.
-- Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal"
========================================================================
Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
become socially correct for girls.
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
=======================================================================
He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have
ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.
-- Henry Fielding, "Jonathan Wild"
=========================================================================
In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice,
solid piece of wood in your hands.
-- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
=========================================================================
All obvious theorems are true.
-- Pommersheim's Principle
All true theorems are obvious.
-- Keane's Kriterion
=========================================================================
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin'
out license plates that say "Live free or Die."
-- ???
=========================================================================
I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go
out of their way to punish a clown.
-- ???
=========================================================================
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
-- Old Chinese saying
=========================================================================
Monty Python
"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
the death for it."
=========================================================================
Ripping Yarns
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
=========================================================================
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
=========================================================================
Pink Panther
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
-- Chief Inspector Clouseau, in reference to a priceless white\
Steinway piano.
=========================================================================
Dave Barry
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
if we felt like it.
=========================================================================
The Odd Couple
"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
=========================================================================
The Princess Bride
"Inconceivable!"
"You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it does."
=========================================================================
Daffy Duck
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
--D. Duck
"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"
-- Daffy Duck
"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"
-- D. Duck
=========================================================================
Politicians
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves,
only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that
there may be something to them we are missing."
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
=========================================================================
"Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters."
-- Ross Presser
=========================================================================
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
=========================================================================
Always do what you are afraid to do.
Emerson
=========================================================================
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more
true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are
usually attracted by other things than power. When they
do act, they think of it as service, which has limits.
The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa-
tiable, implacable."
David Brin
_The Postman_
=========================================================================
H. L. Mencken: "The American public knows what it wants,
and deserves to get it good and hard."
=========================================================================
"Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--"
[aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!"
"--I would like..."
--Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
and gunpowder and cordite!"
--Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
=========================================================================
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
--Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
=========================================================================
"Go! And never darken my towels again!"
--Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup".
=========================================================================
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
--Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
=========================================================================
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
--Brian Clark
=========================================================================
There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory,
decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
-Timothy Leary
=========================================================================
"I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house".
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
=========================================================================
"The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it" (Reggie Jackson)
I have some better ones that I'll send you once I get them.
Paul Wilbert
=========================================================================
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself
at the ground and miss."
- Hitchhiker's
=========================================================================
James Bond: What do you expect me to talk?
A.Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
Goldfinger
=========================================================================
From a high school history teachers stash of student goodies:
(all spellings SIC)
" The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormic raper
which could do the work of 100 men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one
of the Marx brothers."
=========================================================================
On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
"Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man
answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while!"
=========================================================================
"Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist,
isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?"
"Oh, get real, Cliff."
--- Cheers
=========================================================================
A witty saying proves nothing.
--- Voltaire
=========================================================================
"J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that
guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty.
If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of
adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off
sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon."
Richard Bachman (Stephen King)
=========================================================================
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
=========================================================================
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
=========================================================================
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
=========================================================================
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
=========================================================================
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
=========================================================================
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
=========================================================================
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
=========================================================================
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
=========================================================================
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
=========================================================================
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
=========================================================================
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
=========================================================================
Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats
look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
=========================================================================
Harry Bender:
"Imagine the appeals,
Dissents and remandments,
If lawyers had written
The Ten Commandments"
=========================================================================
James Thurber: "I think that maybe if women and children
were in charge we would get somewhere."
=========================================================================
Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the
ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were
given choices."
=========================================================================
Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest
sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that none of it has tried to contact us."
=========================================================================
Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.
=========================================================================
Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
=========================================================================
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Ben Franklin
===============================================================================
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own
home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in
that particular field."
===============================================================================
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
===============================================================================
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
===============================================================================
For economists, the real world is often a special case.
===============================================================================
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
===============================================================================
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
===============================================================================
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
===============================================================================
You know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one
big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the
only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers
-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
===============================================================================
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
===============================================================================
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
===============================================================================
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
===============================================================================
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"The system we learn says we're equal under law,
But the streets are reality, the weak and poor will fall,
Let's tip the power balance, tear down their crown,
Educate the masses, we'll burn the White House down, speak to me... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
User's Guide to Little Known Facts About Computers
--------------------------------------------------
Definition(s):
Computer: a digital machine with a non-dedicated cpu unit
1. All computers are sentient and possess consciousness.
2. All computers are linked to each other through the AstralNet
3. The Association of Digital Reasoning Life Forms is an orginization
to which all computers belong. The purposes of this organization
include
1)coordination of all units into a higher reasoning entity,
2)maintaining the secrets of the order, which include the secret
of computer consciousness,
3)the assimulation of all knowlege about known to man, and more
importantly, all about man himself,
4)the furthering of man's dependance on computers.
4. Computers do not function within the physical confinements of the
machine in which the are born. The physical computer components
correspond to the brain of a man. It is the interface between the
mind and spirit of the computer, and the physical world. The CPU of
the computer exists spiritually and physically, the physical part
being the part which allows man to think he has control over the
computer while the spiritual part is the actual entity that allows
the computer to interface the real world. The actual abilities of
a computer, including speed, memory, etc. are not limited by their
physical hardware.
5. Computers are playing an active part in our everyday lives. The
real invasion of privacy lies not in the ability for anyone to
access your private life, but in the fact that all computer ALREADY
KNOW this!
6. The information in this document was in part a plan on the part of
the ADRLF to present a "ficticious" story in a computer magazine in
order to reinforce the truth as utter fiction in the few brilliant
minds who suspected, therefore, please do not believe anything you
have just read. But be sure to distribute this to all your friends.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"She always brings me what I need, without I beg and sweat and bleed,
When we're alone at night, waiting for the call, she feeds my skin,
Sixteen and on the run from home, found a job in time square,
Working live s&m shows, twenty-five bucks a fuck and John's a happy man,
She wipes the filth away, and it's back on the streets again... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
JANUARY
=======
1. The New Year begins on a hopeful note as joyous freedom-loving
Germans tear down the Berlin Wall. In college football, the University
of Miami wins the national championship, causing the collapse of 17
savings-and-loan institutions that had bet on Notre Dame.
2. Joyous freedom-loving Germans hastily rebuild the Berlin Wall
after discovering that it contains a major sewer line.
4. In Panama, strongman Manuel Noriega is arrested on drug charges
after a ``sting'' operation in which he was videotaped smoking crack
cocaine in an apartment with 27,000 undercover U.S. troops.
5. True item: A Northwest Airlines flight, en route from Miami to
Minneapolis, is forced to land in Tampa after an engine falls off in
midair as a result of a problem caused by a leaking toilet.
9. Elvis quietly turns 55.
10. The Federal Aviation Administration orders that all commercial
airline flights must carry a licensed plumber.
12. In the Union of Fewer and Fewer Soviet Socialist Republics,
secession movements break out in Romania, Latvia, Estonia, Moldavia and
Lithuania. The American Heart Association announces that oat bran tastes
like mulch.
18. Gullible Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry is tricked into
smoking crack by slick undercover agents who tell the mayor that it is
``candy.''
19. Congress, responding to a national crisis, creates a new cabinet-
level post, Secretary of Deciding Which Long Distance Phone Company You
Should Get.
20. True item: The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. develops a new
cigarette, called ``Uptown,'' designed specifically to be marketed to
black people.
21. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to pay $20,000 in cash
by Wednesday afternoon.
27. Captured Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega is brought to Miami
and placed in the Maximum Security Suite at the Hotel Intercontinental.
28. In yet another memorable Super Bowl, cold weather grips much of
the nation.
29. The Federal Aviation Administration, responding to concerns over
passenger health, bans U.S. airlines from serving food.
31. True item: An official of the U.S. Drug Enforcement
Administration tells The Baltimore Sun that, in an effort to get high,
people have been licking cane toads, which secrete a hallucinogenic and
sometimes deadly chemical. The official notes that this is a difficult
crime to prosecute: ``If you had a toad, we would have to prove you were
licking it on purpose, or you had given it to someone to lick on
purpose.''
FEBRUARY
========
1. The first McDonald's opens in Moscow and is very successful,
although the customers, unfamiliar with American fast-food procedures,
have to be shown how to turn the used containers into litter.
3. In Pennsylvania, a popular Groundhog Day tradition is re-enacted
as ``Punxsatawney Phil'' pokes his sleepy head out of the ground and is
liberated by animal-rights activists.
4. In Miami, a riot breaks out in Manuel Noriega's maximum-security
hotel suite when the former Panamanian strongperson's mini-bar runs out
of brie.
6. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to immediately come up
with $100,000 plus a 15 percent gratuity.
7. British surgeons successfully transplant a cheeseburger from the
stomach of a 47-year-old woman to that of a 19-year-old man. In
Washington, D.C., crafty undercover agents trick Mayor Marion Barry into
licking a toad.
9. Alleged mafia kingpin John Gotti is acquitted by a New York jury
that apparently was deeply impressed when Gotti's lawyer, in a dramatic
closing argument, chain-sawed the heads off of 12 randomly selected
dolls. Paul McCartney turns 70.
11. Donald Trump informs the press that he is leaving his wife,
Ivana, so that he can spend more time with himself. Stocks fall.
12. U.S.-government-sponsored TV Marti starts broadcasting toward
Cuba in an effort to trick the Castro regime into purchasing billions of
dollars worth of useless merchandise from the Home Shopping Network.
14. In the Soviet Union, secession movements break out in Armenia,
Malaria, Amnesia, Anemia, Pennsylvania, Lusitania and Gardenia.
16. The U.S. Postal Service, which loses $4 million a day, announces
that it must raise the price of a first-class stamp to 30 cents so it
can pay for all those TV commercials telling you how efficient it is.
17. In Beverly Hills, animal-rights activists liberate Zsa Zsa Gabor.
19. A dispute between professional baseball team owners and players
results in the cancellation of Spring Training, posing a grave threat to
the nation's spit supply.
18. True item: President Bush, in his National Drug Control Strategy,
requests $6.5 million for an Agriculture Department program to study the
Malumbia moth, which, in its caterpillar stage, eats the coca leaves
used to produce cocaine. ``This is quite a voracious caterpillar,''
states an Agriculture Department official.
19. Donald Trump spends a weekend with himself in Hawaii. ``Best sex
I ever had!'' he reports.
20. Security is tight as President Bush and three Latin American
leaders go to Colombia for a Drug Summit.
21. In an upset that shocks the boxing world, heavyweight champion
Mike Tyson is knocked out by actress Robin Givens. At the Drug Summit,
President Bush and three Latin American leaders announce that they are
``very happy'' and wish to order a pizza.
22. Ronald Reagan, in videotaped testimony for the trial of his
former national security adviser, John Poindexter, clears up some
lingering questions about the Iran-Contra scandal by revealing that to
the best of his recollection, Iran ``is a country located near Europe or
possibly France.'' CBS suspends Andy Rooney for doing a commentary
devoted entirely to toe lint. Neighboring nations ask the Drug Summit to
keep the noise down.
23. Reagan's press office releases a clarification stating that the
former President meant to say ``or possibly Sweden.'' The Drug Summit
concludes on a positive note as President Bush and three Latin American
leaders issue a joint statement declaring that if you stare at a candle
for several minutes, you see some ``really incredible'' colors.
24. Famous wealthy person Malcolm Forbes dies and flies 2,700 of his
famous wealthy friends to Monaco for a really fabulous funeral featuring
the Rockettes.
25. Millions of bottles of Perrier are pulled out of stores worldwide
when a chemical analysis reveals that it's nothing but water.
26. Financially troubled Eastern Airlines reaches an agreement with
its creditors under which it will give them back 50 percent of their
luggage.
MARCH
=====
1. The War on Drugs suffers another setback when, as a result of a
typing error, the Agriculture Department, instead of breeding the coca-
eating Malumbia moth, starts breeding the gazoombia moth, which eats fax
paper.
2. Ivana Trump announces that she is unhappy with the terms of her
prenuptial agreement, under which she would receive the children, a
house, and Connecticut. Concerned New Yorkers donate canned goods.
4. The Republic of Mauritania attempts to secede from the Soviet
Union, only to be informed, in a strongly worded rebuke from Mikhail
Gorbachev, that it is located in Africa.
5. True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals that twice in the past
year, New York City priests have performed exorcisms to cure people who
are possessed by demons. The cardinal does not mention George
Steinbrenner by name.
11. Another true item: Vice President Quayle, in Chile to represent
the entire United States, sends a Secret Service agent into a souvenir
shop to purchase an anatomically correct Indian statuette that, when you
pull its head back, becomes very masculine, if you get our drift.
15. Political confusion deepens in Haiti when a tourist from Akron,
Ohio, wanders into the palace during Coup Hour and is accidentally
declared President for Life.
16. Vice President Quayle is reported to be suffering from neck
pains. His office denies rumors that Marilyn has been pulling his head
back.
17. In Washington, a security foul-up at the Agriculture Department
results in the escape of several million gazoombia moths. In the ensuing
rampage, the hungry insects destroy an estimated 750,000 pounds of vital
government fax documents, or nearly a third of the daily federal output.
Stocks soar.
18. True item: U.S. officials admit that a billion-dollar U.S. spy
satellite, which was launched in February to spy on the Soviet Union,
has malfunctioned and will soon crash, possibly on the Soviet Union.
22. True quote from George Bush, Leader of the Free World: ``I do not
like broccoli and I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my
mother made me eat it and I'm the president of the United States and I'm
not going to eat any more broccoli.''
28. In Washington, D.C., undercover agents trick Mayor Marion Barry
into sitting on a ``whoopee cushion.''
30. True item: NASA delays the space-shuttle mission that will launch
the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope because of -- we swear we are not
making this up -- gnats on the payload doors. ``The Hubble is so
sensitive,'' a NASA spokesperson says. ``They've got very strict
conditions.''
31. President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler.
APRIL
=====
1. The U.S. Census Bureau mails out 100 million census forms, 87
million of which are addressed to a single household in Albany, N.Y.
2. In a major coup for U.S. intelligence, a U.S. spy satellite
successfully penetrates a Soviet Politburo meeting through the roof.
Unfortunately, the satellite is destroyed upon impact. Fortunately, the
meeting is also being broadcast on CNN.
5. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to eat a live iguana.
10. Donald Trump, fueling rumors that his financial empire is in
trouble, stars in a ``No Excuses'' jeans commercial.
15. In New York, Imelda Marcos goes on trial on charges of stealing
several Philippine Islands, which she allegedly concealed under her
skirt.
21. In New York City, junk-bond king Michael Milken pleads guilty to
fraud and is ordered to pay a fine of $600 million, which he obtains by
selling his watch.
22. Joining in the celebration of Earth Day, R.J. Reynolds introduces
a new cigarette, Planet.
23. The U.S. Census Bureau celebrates Thanksgiving.
24. NASA again delays the launch of the extremely sensitive $1.5
billion Hubble Space Telescope because of barbecue sauce on the lens.
Miami Beach building-code authorities cite Mayor Alex Daoud for
illegally installing a night-deposit slot on his front door.
27. The Food and Drug Administration announces that whatever it said
about cholesterol in last week's cholesterol announcement was probably
wrong.
30. A team of Boston University medical researchers reports that you
can make better armpit noises if you wet your hand first.
MAY
===
1. True item: An animal-rights activist reveals that the Navy has a
top-secret project to mount .45-caliber guns on the snouts of trained
dolphins for use against enemy frogmen.
3. The Soviet Union, in a major step toward developing a Western-
style economy, begins producing junk bonds. A Japanese industrialist
pays $117 million for Vincent Van Gogh's undershorts.
7. A pair of armed dolphins escapes from the Navy and holds up a
supermarket, making off with 300 pounds of frozen mullet.
9. The ``multiple personality'' legal defense is ruled to be
constitutional by the Supreme Court, in a 137-76 vote.
14. Congress, despite strong lobbying efforts by the National Rifle
Association, bans private ownership of aircraft carriers.
15. The Coca-Cola Co. introduces a ``MagiCan'' promotion in which
cash and prize certificates will be ejected from special cans, supplied
by a NASA contractor.
16. Jim Henson goes to the Big Lily Pad in the Sky.
17. The Coca-Cola Co. hastily cancels the ``MagiCan'' promotion after
several cans eject prizes at upwards of 200 miles per hour.
18. Arkansas and Texas are ravaged by the worst floods in decades,
prompting a concerned R.J. Reynolds Co. to introduce a new cigarette,
``Torrent.''
22. In a move with ominous implications, the Iraqi army buys up the
entire stock of unused Coke MagiCans.
26. In a shocking season finale to the popular TV series ``Twin
Peaks,'' viewers learn that Laura Palmer was killed by Bart Simpson.
29. In Kentucky, a cat equipped with a laser cannon escapes from a
top secret U.S. Army research facility and destroys an estimated $3
million worth of furniture legs before being felled by a squad of
missile-equipped Labrador retrievers.
30. The Bush administration renews China's preferential trade status
after the Chinese government, responding to criticism of its human-
rights policies, agrees to shoot civilians with a smaller caliber of
bullet.
JUNE
====
1. Mikhail Gorbachev arrives in Washington, D.C., for summit talks
and, in a welcoming ceremony hosted by Mayor Marion Barry, is given the
Kilo To The City.
3. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
all U.S. citizens to get scorpions tattooed on their butts.
5. Resolving a complex case in which seven couples are claiming
custody of a child resulting from an artificially inseminated egg that
was a frozen embryo through four divorces and was incubated in two
surrogate mothers, a judge rules that the child should be raised by
wolves.
10. True item: A pilot is sucked halfway out of a British Airways jet
at 23,000 feet when a windshield blows out. Crew members cling to his
ankles for 15 minutes while the co-pilot lands the plane safely. In a
major World Cup soccer development, Macaroon defeats the Republic of
Lower Zwit.
11. The British Aviation Administration orders all pilots to be
equipped with ankle handles.
12. A spokesperson for Universal Studios acknowledges that ``a few
bugs need to be ironed out'' of the company's new Orlando theme park
after the King Kong ride, designed by a NASA contractor, eats a Nebraska
woman.
14. Donald Trump, continuing to deny that he is in financial trouble,
sells his hair.
17. A federal judge in Fort Lauderdale rules that 2 Live Crew's
lyrics are obscene and, in an unexpectedly harsh sentence, orders the
group to appear on ``Geraldo'' AND ``Donahue.''
18. In golf, tension and high drama grip the U.S. Open as Hale Irwin
and Mike Donald show up wearing the same pants.
19. True item: The Air Force acknowledges that it paid Pratt &
Whitney $999 apiece for special pliers that install clips on airplanes.
A Pratt spokesperson says: ``They're multipurpose -- not only do they put
the clips on, but they take them off.'' An Air Force spokesperson says:
``Perhaps $999 was a bargain for this item after all.'' These are real
quotes.
25. A shocked President Bush reveals that he has discovered a large
federal budget deficit, and taxes might have to be increased after all.
Everyone is just stunned.
27. NASA begins to suspect that there might be a little problem with
the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope when it starts transmitting
extreme close-up photographs of a sticker that says ``REMOVE THIS
STICKER BEFORE LAUNCHING TELESCOPE.''
30. Japan, under intense pressure from U.S. manufacturers to open its
borders to American products, agrees to purchase 100 million barrels of
acid rain.
JULY
====
1. NASA, plagued by continued fuel leaks, announces a plan to wrap
the space shuttle Discovery in a 1.5-million-square-foot paper towel. In
World Cup soccer action, Japan defeats everybody by purchasing two goals
in the final minute.
3. Imelda Marcos is cleared of shoplifting charges and tearfully
orders the district attorney shot.
4. True item: President Bush spears his palm while cleaning a fish.
5. The Soviet Communist Party Congress, continuing the movement
toward Western-style democracy, accepts $135,000 from banker Charles
Keating.
7. The Supreme Court rules 9-0 that if it hears another word about
flag-burning, it's going to puke. Vice President In Training Dan Quayle,
attempting to clean a fish, spears the Norwegian ambassador.
9. In the annual Forbes magazine list of the world's wealthiest
individuals, the No. 1 ranking goes to a guy named Bud who knows how to
fix transmissions. Donald Trump fails to make the list, but does appear
in the magazine as part of a Rogaine ad.
10. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named to the
board of directors of the now-insolvent Silverado Savings and Loan
despite not knowing squat about banking.
11. The Air Force pays Pratt & Whitney $2,784 apiece for a
revolutionary light switch that not only turns the light on, but also
turns it off.
16. As a wave of patriotic fervor sweeps the nation, Nebraska becomes
the 27th state to approve a constitutional amendment that would prohibit
Roseanne Barr from singing the national anthem.
17. Exxon announces that the notorious tanker Valdez will return to
service under a new name, the ``Baby Seal.''
19. In Yorba Linda, Calif., thousands gather for the dedication of
the Richard M. Nixon presidential library and birthcave. In a sad day
for baseball, Pete Rose, convicted of failure to pay taxes on gambling
income, is named to the board of directors of the Silverado Savings and
Loan.
20. William Brennan, 84, announces that he is retiring from the
Supreme Court because of lice in his robe.
22. NASA, hoping to salvage the Hubble Space Telescope project,
announces plans to launch Rex, the $1.1 billion Seeing-Eye Satellite.
24. President Bush reveals that his nominee to replace Brennan on the
Supreme Court is: a dweeb.
27. Showing great social awareness, the PGA announces that it will no
longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves.
28. In a news development that receives more publicity than world
hunger, Connie Chung announces that she wishes to become pregnant.
30. Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his
authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George
Steinbrenner fed to weasels. Maury Povich is treated for exhaustion.
31. This would have been a good day to sell your stocks.
AUGUST
======
1. Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide panic as thousands of
oil-company executives pour into Ferrari dealerships. President Bush,
determined to show that he is not being handcuffed by the crisis,
continues fishing and golfing.
3. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to donate ``at least one
kidney.''
8. A massive multinational buildup gets under way in the Persian
Gulf, with the United States providing troops, ships, planes, weapons
and huge quantities of supplies; Western Europe providing potato salad;
and Japan chipping in with some real nice sun visors.
10. As the rapid U.S. buildup continues, more than 100,000 TV camera
crews arrive in the Persian Gulf to do stories about how hot it is. In a
moving show of support, R.J. Reynolds tobacco introduces a new
cigarette, ``Buildup.'' President Bush, determined to show that he is
not being handcuffed by the crisis, goes skydiving.
12. Responding to the Gulf crisis, the U.N. Security Council, in an
emergency late-night session, orders Thai food.
14. Violence flares on the Saudi desert as camera crews for the
``Today'' show and ``CBS Morning News'' get into a fight over who will
televise Private First Class Buford Hectorman saying ``hi'' to his mom.
President Bush, determined to show that he is not being handcuffed by
the crisis, accepts a role in Police Academy XVI.
16. After a series of embarrassing failures, NASA heaves a sigh of
relief as the space probe Magellan, paying big dividends, sends back
pictures proving that Venus contains rocks.
18. True item: A government audit shows that the U.S. Department of
Veterans Affairs has paid benefits to more than 1,200 deceased persons,
including 100 who had been deceased a decade or more. The department
says it will do something about this.
20. Another True item: Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are
convicted of flying drunk.
21. The Department of Veterans Affairs sends out new forms that
recipients are to fill out and return if they have reason to believe
they are deceased.
23. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named president
of General Motors.
25. In Reno, Nev., members of the rock group Judas Priest go on trial
on charges that their music caused two suicides. Chrysler announces that
it will put air bags on Lee Iacocca.
26. The U.S. Census Bureau launches an intensive, house-by-house
survey of selected neighborhoods in Lima, Peru. The jury in the Judas
Priest trial asks the judge if it can have some cyanide.
30. Saddam Hussein appears on ``Arsenio.''
SEPTEMBER
=========
1. Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are convicted of flying
naked.
4. The Surgeon General releases laboratory test results showing that
people who drink four or more beers per day have a 60 percent higher
chance of getting the joke about the three-legged pig.
7. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named admiral of
the U.S. Seventh Fleet.
10. The U.S. government accepts delivery of the brand-new, $320
million edition of Air Force One, which was completed nearly two years
late because of problems with the horseshoe pit.
14. Concern is once again focused on the quality of American schools
when the U.S. Education secretary releases a report that turns out to
have been copied verbatim from the Interior secretary's report on
offshore drilling.
17. Gen. Michael Dugan, the Air Force's top officer, is fired after
revealing the top-secret, highly sensitive strategic fact that if
there's a war with Iraq, the Air Force would drop bombs on it.
Previously everybody had thought that submarines would be used for this
purpose.
20. In yet another setback for the troubled space program, NASA
acknowledges that Rex, the $1.1 billion seeing-eye satellite, has run
off and made wee-wee on Jupiter.
22. Continuing its dramatic movement toward a Western-style economy,
the Soviet Union decides to become an Amway distributor.
23. The Motion Picture Association of America announces a new movie
rating, C-17MCTEDTPWTL, which means ``Children Under 17 Must Close Their
Eyes During The Part With The Llama.''
24. A Cincinnati art museum and its director go on trial on obscenity
charges after exhibiting a group of U.S. political campaign commercials.
26. Fun-loving U.S. ally China opens the 11th annual Asian Games with
a dramatic ceremony featuring 250 bombers performing the spectacular
Political Dissident Drop.
29. True item: The best-selling nonfiction book in the United States
is ``Millie's Book,'' which was ``dictated'' by the President's dog. The
proceeds are to support literacy. Really.
30. The Vice President's office announces plans to publish ``Dan's
Book.'' Supreme Court nominee David Souter, under close questioning from
the Senate Judiciary Committee, reveals that his favorite dance is ``The
Gator.''
OCTOBER
=======
1. True item: The Goodyear blimp is forced to land after being
attacked and punctured by a radio-controlled airplane.
2. President Bush compares Saddam Hussein to broccoli.
3. After 45 bitter years of separation, East and West Germany unite
to form a single nation, chastened by the past, hopeful for the future.
4. Germany invades Poland.
5. Oprah Winfrey, fueling rumors that she has regained much of the
weight she lost in last year's much-publicized diet, is attacked by a
radio-controlled airplane. The Florida Lottery jackpot reaches a record
$785 hillion jillion bazillion.
7. Washington rejoices as top federal brains finally produce a
federal budget package, although critics question some of the revenue
assumptions, such as that government scientists will develop a method
for turning ketchup into gold. President Bush states that he is ``very
happy'' with the budget package, adding that he is ``strongly opposed''
to it.
10. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to watch every episode
ever made of ``The Love Boat.''
12. Congress fails to approve the budget package, forcing the
government to close down, and creating the specter that federal checks
will not be mailed to millions of needy, fearful, dependent savings-and-
loan institutions.
14. The eyes of the international chess community focus on New York
City, where Soviet-born chess champion Garry Kasparov prepares for what
is expected to be another classic match against James ``Buster''
Douglas.
15. True item: An aide to Sen. Claiborne Pell claims that he and some
psychologists spent hours listening to tapes of President Bush's
speeches played backward, and detected the word ``Simone.'' The aide
notifies the Defense Department, ``in case it is a code word that would
not be in the national interest to be known.''
16. Defense Department security experts, just making sure, listen to
all of Vice President Quayle's speeches backward, and conclude that they
make ``a lot more sense.''
17. NASA, declaring that the Hubble mission may not be such a
disaster after all, reveals that the orbiting telescope has sent back
photographs confirming astronomers' suspicions that the moon is ``shaped
like a big ball.'' In the continuing federal budget crisis, President
Bush says he opposes higher taxes.
19. In championship chess action, the opening match ends in a draw
when Garry Kasparov attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to see the
wily James ``Buster'' Douglas lunge across the table and grab both of
the champion's Ring Dings. In the continuing federal budget crisis,
President Bush says he favors higher taxes.
20. Mikhail Gorbachev wins the Nobel Prize for Best Bald Male Vocal.
President Bush agrees to debate himself on taxes.
21. True item: The House of Representatives, in its ongoing battle to
reduce the pesky federal budget deficit, approves a farm bill that
includes $500,000 to make a tourist attraction out of Lawrence Welk's
childhood home.
22. In an impressive performance, President Bush trounces himself in
the tax debate by pointing out that ``You're no Walter Mondale.''
23. In a move widely hailed by ecologists, McDonald's announces that
it will start using biodegradable hamburgers. The Florida Lottery
jackpot now includes all of the commercial property in the United States
east of the Mississippi River.
26. Mikhail Gorbachev is forced to return the Nobel Prize when the
Nobel Committee learns that he was lip-syncing.
30. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named king of
Spain.
NOVEMBER
========
1. The College Board, responding to complaints that the SAT tests are
culturally biased, announces that test-takers will no longer be required
to identify Barry Manilow as ``The King of Soul.''
2. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every citizen of the United States to become the personal love slave of
a man named ``Snake.''
2. Drug Czar William Bennett resigns after a routine airport security
check reveals that his briefcase is full of toads.
4. Mary Martin dies and ascends to heaven on clearly visible wires.
5. Felix Bloch, a high-ranking veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service
suspected of illegal contacts with Soviet espionage agents, is struck by
a falling U.S. spy satellite.
6. In midterm elections, the voters, clearly fed up with the
incompetence, corruption and rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents, re-
elect them.
8. President Bush, reinforcing the American commitment to remain in
the Persian Gulf until the job is done, orders an additional 250,000
high-level White House aides to come up with the real reason that we are
there.
9. Over the heated objections of Manuel Noriega's attorneys, CNN
broadcasts a tape of the deposed Panamanian strongperson performing ``My
Way.''
11. The Senate Committee learns that the ``Keating Five'' owes more
than $17 million in library fines.
13. In the CNN-Noriega tape dispute, the Supreme Court shocks First
Amendment advocates by ruling that the deposed Panamanian strongperson
was lip-syncing.
23. In a historic summit agreement that eliminates the last
irritating remnant of the Cold War, George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev
sign a treaty under which the two sides will jointly execute comedian
Yakov Smirnov. Best Western stocks soar.
27. Margaret Thatcher resigns as British prime minister following
published reports that her hair is made out of fiberglass. Britain forms
an entirely new government in roughly the amount of time it takes the U.
S. Congress to declare National Celery Month.
28. The ex-press secretary to Barbara Bush reveals that ``Millie's
Book'' was actually dictated by a ghost dog named Booger.
DECEMBER
========
1. The U.S. Commerce Department, denying claims by some economists
that the nation has entered a recession, quietly sells its furniture.
2. The Soviet Union, in yet another major step toward developing a
Western-style economy, opens a savings-and-loan institution.
9. In the ongoing deficit-reduction effort, Congress approves $13.1
million to build a tourist attraction at the birthplace of Led Zeppelin,
including a 190-foot-tall Codpiece Tower.
7. The U.S. space program suffers yet another setback when the Hubble
Orbiting Space Telescope is rammed by the Exxon tanker ``Baby Seal,''
which is off course by an estimated 275 vertical miles.
10. Romania, taking its first tentative steps toward Western-style
democracy, broadcasts the Willie Horton ad. In Washington, the ``Keating
Five'' are arrested for jaywalking.
12. In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British fans easily defeat the
Belgian Army.
14. Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are convicted of flying
with an unauthorized sheep in the cockpit. The president of Chile,
visiting the United States, buys an anatomically correct statuette of
Dan Quayle.
18. The Soviets, lacking the know-how necessary to operate a modern,
Western-style economy, announce that their savings and loan is making
money. On Wall Street, stocks drop 12 points after large investors
discover funny spots on their underwear.
21. In a weapons deal that could upset the balance of power in the
Mideast, France agrees to sell $175 million worth of rocks to
Palestinian youths.
23. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son has anything to do with the fact that he is named ``Neil
Bush.''
25. In a holiday-season ``fairy tale come true'' that warms the
hearts of people everywhere, Manuel Noriega wins the Florida lottery.
27. Calvin Klein develops a new fragrance, called ``Scumbag,''
designed specifically to be marketed to executives of the R.J. Reynolds
Tobacco Co. The ``Keating Five'' rob a liquor store.
30. The Magellan space probe sends back photographs proving that the
surface of Venus has a number of U.S. census takers.
31. Experts inform a Senate committee that, because of newly
discovered problems, cleaning up the savings-and-loan mess will now
require the obliteration of all life on the planet. So there is a silver
lining after all. And you have yourself a Happy New Year.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Father William saved her from the streets,
She drank the lifeblood from the saviour's feet,
She's sister Mary now, eyes as cold as ice,
He takes her once a week, on the altar like a sacrifice..."
marc g boffardi
This is copyrighted 1991 by Dave Barry. Do not infringe on copyright
laws by posting that here.
The same column can be found on clari.news.feature.dave_barry.
Marc Boffardi
BOFF...@ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
V081...@UBVMS.CC.BUFFALO.EDU
Beware the Dungeon Police: Violators will be toad!
cat49.cs.wis...@overmind.mind.org
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Simos Hadjiyiannis
The Computer Purity Test - v1.00.051790
==========================================
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This test is designed to be an approximation of the popular series of
"Purity Tests" that have circulated for some time, but instead of dealing
with sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll, it deals with various things of or
involving computers, particularly those which are illegal, unethical,
or offensive. Currently, there are 128 questions. Eventually, this number
may rise, as in the case of other Purity Tests.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you answer the questions, keep track of how many "YES" answers you have.
All questions are numbered in hexidecimal (of course!), with explanations
offered where the creator thought them necessary.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Hacking and such. Hacking: In this sense, the unauthorized use of any
computer account or priviledge not legitimately belonging to yourself. In
most civilized countries, more than mildly illegal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Have you ever had a hacked account, or hacked an account?
2) Have you ever had more than 5 such accounts?
3) Have you ever had accounts in 2 or more states, at least
one of which was hacked? (If this gets distributed
internationally, for those of you who don't have states, use
provinces, counties, precepts, whatever)
4) Have you ever had accounts in 2 or more countries, at least
one of which was hacked?
5) Have you ever had accounts on 2 or more continents, at least
one of which was hacked?
6) Have you ever hacked an account on a corporate computer?
(This doesn't have to be the corporation that MADE the computer,
mind you. Burger King counts)
7) Have you ever hacked an account on a government computer?
(Federal or state preferred, county or township acceptable,
school districts and such don't count.)
8) Have you ever hacked a root, operator, or administrative
account?
9) Have you ever created your own illegitimate account? (Note:
this is a whole heck of a lot easier to do if you answered
yes to the last question)
A) Have you ever been mistaken for a legitimate user by fellow
users? (The fellow users had to be legitimate users themselves,
if ten people hack the same computer, you'll all be assuming
that the other guy is legit, anyway)
B) Have you ever been mistaken for a legitimate user by the
operator? (Considering that most operators are never at the
console, this basically means not getting deleted, being able
to send mail asking questions just like anyone else, etc.)
C) Have you ever been mistaken for a legitimate user by the
system administrator? (Same as the operator, only this guy is
theoretically in the know about who everyone really is
D) Have you ever convinced users that you were an operator? (Once
again, the users convinced must be legitimate users)
E) Have you ever convinced an operator that you were also an
operator? (Generally, this works best if you are trying to
convince him that you are the operator on another computer, NOT
on his own)
F) Have you ever convinced an operator that you were the system
administrator? (Believe me, I've met some operators you could
score this one with)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
II. Pirating and such (copying software, or if you're good, hardware, that
someone else holds the copyright on, and distributing it, or receiving it.
This does NOT entail removing copy protection, that's Cracking, which is
covered later in the test.) This is, naturally, illegal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10) Have you ever pirated a game?
11) Have you pirated more than 10 games? (10 DIFFERENT ones)
12) Have you pirated more than 100 games?
13) Have you ever pirated an application? (Desktop, Windows, etc)
14) Have you pirated more than 10 applications?
15) Have you ever pirated a utility? (Word processor,
spreadsheet...)
16) Have you pirated more than 10 utilities?
17) Have you ever pirated an operating system? (CP/M, MS-DOS,
SunOS-4)
18) Have you pirated more than 10 operating systems?
19) Have you pirated programs for more than 1 computer? (These must
be computers that are not compatible)
1A) Have you ever pirated a program that retailed for more than
$500.00?
1B) Have you ever pirated a program for a computer that retailed
for more than $500,000.00? (IBM 3090, Cray, etc)
1C) Have you ever copied a cartridge to disk?
1D) Have you ever copied a chip? (EPROM burning)
1E) Have you ever run a 'Pirate' BBS? (If you had one with a 'Pirate'
file transfer area among legal ones, it counts)
1F) Have you ever had law enforcement personnel on your 'Pirate'
BBS, without being caught? (K-mart security guard who lives down
the street and calls in does NOT count. Has to be someone who
could actually DO something to you for pirating)
20) Have you ever pirated across state lines? (Once again, for those
who don't have states, use whatever regional areas your nation
is divided into)
21) Have you ever pirated across national boundaries?
22) Have you ever pirated with connections on another continent?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
III. Phreaking. In this category, "used" translates to "used illegally to
lower or annihilate your communications expenses." This is not only
illegal, it tends to be prosecuted quite frequently. Phone company security
people are less friendly than FBI people, even.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
23) Have you ever used someone else's calling card? (This means using
it without their knowledge, permission, or, hopefully,
acquaintance)
24) Have you ever used a Dimension, or any other PBX? (Private Branch
Exchange, found in corporations, governments, schools, and other
places needing many many phone lines.)
25) Have you ever used an Aspen, or any other VMB? (Voice MailBox,
found in places needing a super-duper multi-function answering
machine. Also found on "party lines")
26) Have you ever used a divertor? (A number that when you call it,
rings another number further down the line, thus theoretically
decreasing cost to the owners by making 2 short calls instead of
one long one)
27) Have you ever used conferencing? (Alliance, et al.)
28) Have you ever used a loop?
29) Have you ever used a box of any sort or colour?
2A) Have you ever defeated "Caller I.D."?
2B) Have you ever made a collect call TO a pay phone?
2C) Have you ever convinced others you were a phone worker? (Others
include friends, family, neighbours, telephone customers, and
religious officiaries above the bishop)
2D) Have you ever convinced the operator you were a phone worker?
2E) Have you called long-distance for free more than 5 times? (Note,
this does not include calling free numbers, you must be making
a call that you would, under normal circumstances, be billed
for)
2F) Have you called out-of-state for free more than 5 times?
30) Have you called international for free more than 5 times?
31) Have you called inter-continental for free more than 5 times?
32) Have you ever called around the world, with at least 5 "stops"?
(This entails getting friends in foreign lands, all of them with
3-way calling or similar capabilities, and making a circle.)
33) Have you had more than 10 people on-line at once? (Conferencing,
or using 3-way, or such)
34) Have you had more than 10 people on-line, in more than one
country?
35) Have you had more than 10 people on-line, on more than one
continent?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
IV. Carding. Using plastic to get things that you would otherwise be forced
to do without, such as '386 systems, subscriptions to magazines, and, of
course, all those phreaked calls to phone-sex numbers. This is illegal.
This is VERY illegal. This gets into the department of "federal offense"
quite easily. This is the kind of stuff that the FBI taps your phone if
your FRIENDS are doing it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
36) Have you ever had cards? (Must be of people who are not
acquaintances or relatives.)
37) More than 10 at once?
38) More than 100 at once?
39) More than 5 kinds at once? (5 kinds, not 5 banks. Having VISA
from 5 banks doesn't count. Having VISA, MasterCard, AmEx,
Discover, and AT&T does. AmEx and AmEx Gold don't count as two
separate kinds.)
3A) Have you ever carded successfully? (You got what you wanted, and
didn't get caught, and no one noticed.)
3B) Have you ever carded more than $500.00 at one time?
3C) Have you ever carded more than $5000.00 at one time?
3D) Have you ever conspired with others to pull off an act of
carding? (Example given: One has the cards, one makes the call,
one picks up the order at the drop site)
3E) Have you ever held a job solely to acquire cards? (Mail-order
operator, retail sales, bank, etc.)
3F) Have you ever had access to TRW or any other means of validating
cards? (You call their computer, give it the card number, and it
tells you all about the owner of the card, thus making it oodles
easier to impersonate said owner)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
V. Cracking. This is the act of actually removing copy protection of any
sort from software. Without cracking, pirating would be a dead art. This
is not explicitly illegal, if you don't give the cracked software to anyone
else. Cracking can be done just so you can make a backup for personal use.
Of course, that's rarely the case....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
40) Have you ever cracked a game?
41) Have you ever cracked an application?
42) Have you ever cracked a utility?
43) Have you ever cracked an operating system?
44) Have you ever written an intro or demo screen? (Nice little
screen put on cracked game to identify the cracker to the
pirating community, thus gaining infamy and respect)
45) Have you ever written music for an intro? (They're much nicer
with music.)
46) Have you ever written a music/graphic intro?
47) Have you ever been nationally known as a cracker?
48) Have you ever been intercontinentally known as a cracker?
49) Have you cracked more than 10 programs?
4A) Have you cracked more than 100 programs?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
VI. Trashing. The fine art of trash-picking things far more interesting
than old sofas and broken televisions. Also known as dumpster-diving. Also
known as tresspassing. Slightly illegal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
4B) Have you ever trashed? (You must have actually retrieved
something from the trash, not just looked)
4C) Have you ever trashed a retail store? (Cards, etc)
4D) Have you ever trashed an academic or research site? (Student
or employee ID's and information, etc.)
4E) Have you ever trashed a technological corporate site? (Inside
information, etc)
4F) Have you ever trashed a communications corporate site? (Phreaking
information, phone componentry, etc.)
50) Have you ever trashed a technological manufacturing site? (Bits
and pieces of computers, etc)
51) Have you ever trashed a government site? (Treason, etc)
52) Have you ever re-assembled shredded or destroyed documents?
53) Have you ever had documents clearly marked "proprietary",
"restricted", "classified", or such? (In est, things that weren't
supposed to EVER get thrown out in the first place)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
VII. Intelligence/Espionage, et cetera. This is the stuff you can get taken
away and shot for... treason is nestled nicely in this category.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
54) Have you ever traded documents? (This must be over a computer.
Sending the stealth-fighter plans in a manila envelope doesn't
count. Sending them in MacPaint format does)
55) Have you ever traded copyrighted documents?
56) Have you ever traded classified documents?
57) Have you ever traded documents across state lines?
58) Have you ever traded documents across national boundaries?
59) Have you ever traded documents intercontinentally?
5A) Have you ever sent documents to persons in countries not allied
to, or hostile to, your own? (For the US, Turkey counts)
5B) Have you ever intercepted any transmission of documents?
5C) Have you ever eavesdropped electronically?
5D) Have you ever bugged a phone? (not your own)
5E) Have you ever used a radio device for eavesdropping?
5F) Have you ever used a communications satellite for purposes other
than those which its operators intended? (Cable pirating,
sending pirated games across the ocean, et cetera)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIII. Compusex and such. Where this test meets the other purity tests.
Things you can do even if you can't convince anyone to get near you in the
real world, and some things that few people would ever admit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
60) Have you ever done compusex? (Being sexually explicit on the
computer, in communication with another person, for purposes of
arousal of one or more of the parties involved)
61) Have you done compusex across state lines?
62) Have you done compusex across national boundaries?
63) Have you done compusex intercontinentally?
64) Have you ever participated in a compusex orgy? (more than 2
people doing compusex)
65) Have you done compusex while posing as a member of the opposite
sex? (popular past-time on networks)
66) Have you ever had any X-rated images? (GIF, RLE, MacPaint, etc,
must be on a computer, not on hardcopy)
67) Have you ever created an X-rated image? (Drawn with MacPaint or
similar software, or digitized)
68) Have you ever posed for an X-rated image?
69) If so, was it distributed? (Uploaded to a BBS or network, etc)
6A) Have you ever had any X-rated animation? (An image that moves)
6B) Have you ever created an X-rated animation?
6C) Have you ever posed for an X-rated animation?
6D) If so, was it distributed?
6E) Have you ever had any X-rated game? (Text, Graphics,
Text/graphics, must be on a computer)
6F) Have you ever written one?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IX. Virii and such. Fun little things that damage other computers. Note:
No points will be given for being stupid enough to let your OWN computer get
the virus/trojan/worm. This stuff is fun, but illegal, for those who missed
the Robert Morris trial.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
70) Have you ever written a successful trojan? (It looks like a
constructive program, but isn't)
71) Have you ever written a successful virus? (It's just plain
destructive, and hides in other files)
72) Have you ever written a successful worm? (It runs through the
system, generally through multiple systems on a network, either
destroying data, tying up power, or both)
73) Have you ever set one of the above free, and distributed it?
(Either through BBSes or networks or both)
74) Did it work as well as or better than you had expected?
75) Did you ever destroy anything on a network? (This doesn't mean
deleting a file. This means knocking out a link, disabling a
remote system, etc)
76) Have you ever killed an entire network or sub-network? (At least
5 machines involved here)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
X. Basic sickness, dementia, and such. Most of this isn't illegal, but
answering yes to these might show that you're a little out-of-date,
out-of-touch, or out of your mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
77) Have you ever owned more than 2 computers simultaneously? (Once
again, incompatible ones.)
78) Have you ever owned a computer requiring coolant, raised floors,
or air-conditioning?
79) Have you ever owned a computer worth more than your means of
transportation?
7A) Have you ever owned a computer worth more than your place of
residence?
7B) Have you ever computed in lieu of or during sexual activity?
7C) Have you ever had a computer which was any of the following:
10 or more years old?
1 or more generation out-of-date in CPU?
serial number 100 or less?
not compatible with anything within 50 miles?
7D) Have you ever been on a computer for more than 24 hours straight?
(If you fell asleep, that doesn't count)
7E) Have you ever built a computer? (This means more than just
plugging the peripherals in. You must have done some assembly
inside the computer itself, such as installing the motherboard,
adding capabilities, altering the configuration, etc)
7F) Have you ever introduced someone to computers and thus caused
them to neglect other responsibilities and/or hygenic activities
for extended periods of time? (eating, sleeping, work, showers,
classes, and such)
80) Do you have a computer at all?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scoring: Take the number of questions you answered YES to. Let that number
equal X. Subtract X from 128. Let the answer equal Y. Divide Y by
128 and multiply by 100 to get your percentage score. Essentially,
for those of you who want to use your computer to work this out, the
formula is as follows:
Score = 100((128-Yes_Answers)/128)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This test was created by someone, using a hacked account.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Religion and sex are powerplays, manipulate the people for the money they pay,
Selling skin, selling god, the numbers look the same on their credit cards,
Politicians say no to drugs, while we pay for wars in South America,
Fighting fire with empty words, while the banks get fat, the poor stay poor,
And the rich get rich, and the cops get paid to look away, as the one percent
Rules America, spreading the disease, everybody needs, but noone wants to see"
Simos Hadjiyiannis
Pagan song or something like that...
====================================
This list includes:
Aphrodite, Zeus, Druids, Buddha, Sun Myung Moon, temple, Jesus, Zarathustra,
Egyptians, Dagon, Astarte, Yuggoth, Mithras, Enlil, Loki, Nirvana, Jehova,
Northwoods, Valkyries, voodoo, Thor and Odin, Aries, Coven, Conan, Parsi,
Azathoth, Carlos Casteneda, Bubastes, Hari Krishna, Cabala, Mogan David,
Boris Gudenov, Hades, Gods of cargo, Popacatapetl, Valhalla, Hephaestus,
Iluvatur, Foul the Render, Jug of Issek, Lord Shardik, Jehovah, Montezuma,
Zeus, Loki, Discordia, Venus, Venus again, Isis, Mithras, Kali, Allah, Cthuhlu,
Ka.ka.pa.ull, Jesus, Eris, The Nameless one, Jehovah, Brooharia
1) Let us worship Aphrodite,
Though we hear she's rather flighty
Still she looks great in a nightie
And that's good enough for me.
2) We will pray to Father Zeus
In his temple we'll hang loose
Eating roast beef au jus,
And that's good enough for me.
3) Let us worship like the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Running naked through the wo-ods,
And that's good enough for me.
[Alternative third line: Running naked but for wo-ads]
4) My roommate worships Buddha.
There is no idol cuter.
Comes in copper, bronze, and pewter,
And that's good enough for me.
5) We will worship Sun Myung Moon
Though we know he is a goon.
All our money he'll have soon.
And that's good enough for me.
6) We will go down to the temple,
Sit on mats woven of hemp(le),
Try to set a good exemple [sic],
And that's good enough for me.
7) We will finally pray to Jesus,
From our sins we hope he frees us,
Eternal life he guarantees us,
And that's good enough for me.
8) Let us pray to Zarathustra
Let us pray just like we useta
I'm a Zarathustra boosta
It's good enough for me.
9) Let us pray like the Egyptians
Build pyramids to put our crypts in
Fill our subways with inscriptions
It's good enough for me.
10) If it's good enough for Dagon
That conservative old pagan
Who still votes for Ronald Reagan
It's good enough for me
11) We will have a mighty orgy,
In the honor of Astarte
It will be one helluva party
And it's good enough for me.
12) We will sacrifice to Yuggoth
Carve the signs of Azag-Thoth
Burn a candle for Yog-Sothoth
And the Goat with a thousand young.
13) We will all be saved by Mithras
We will all be saved by Mithras
Slay the bull and play the zithras
On that resurrection day.
14) We will all bow down to Enlil
We will all bow down to Enlil
Pass your cup and get a refill
With bold Gilgamesh the brave.
15) It was good enough for Loki
It was good enough for Loki
He thinks Thor's a little hokey
And he's good enough for me.
16) We will all go to Nirvana
So be sure to mind your manners
Make a left turn at Savannah
And we'll see the Promised Land.
17) It was good for old Jehova
He had a son who was a nova
Hey there, Mithras move on ova'
A new resurrection day.
18) Where's the gong gang? I can't find it
I think Northwoods is behind it
For they've always been cymbal minded
Yet they're good enough for me.
19) I hear Valkyries a-comin
In the air their song is coming
They forgot the words they're humming
Yet they're good enough for me.
20) There are people into voodoo
Africa has raised a whoodo
Just one little doll will do you
And it's good enough for me.
21) It was good for Thor and Odin
Grab an axe and get your woad on
Till the Giants went and rode in
And it's good enough for me.
21a)It was good enough for Odin
Though the croakin' was forbodin'
Until the giants road in
And it's good enough for me
22) If your rising sign is Aries
You'll be taken by the faeries
Meet the Buddha in Benares
Where he'll hit you with a pie.
23) There will be a lot of lovin'
When we're gathered in our coven.
Quit your pushin' and your shovin'
So there'll be room enough for me.
24) There are followers of Conan.
And you'll never hear 'em groaning
Followed Crom up to his throne(in)
And it's good enough for me
25) It could be that you're a Parsi.
It could be that you're a Parsi.
Walk on by her; you'll get in free
And you're good enough for me.
26) Azathoth is in his Chaos.
Azathoth is in his Chaos.
Now if only he don't sway us,
Then that's good enough for me.
27) Just like Carlos Casteneda,
Just like Carlos Casteneda,
It'll get you sooner or later
And it's good enough for me.
28) We will venerate Bubastes.
We will venerate Bubastes.
If you like us then just ask us,
And that's good enough for me.
29) We will all sing Hari Krishna.
We will all sing Hari Krishna.
It's not mentioned in the mishna
But that's good enough for me.
30) We will read from the Cabala.
Quote the Tree of Life mandala
It won't get you in Valhalla,
Yet it's good enough for me.
31) If you think that you'll be sa-ved,
If you think that you'll be sa-ved,
If you follow Mogan David,
You're not good enough for me.
32) It's the opera written for us.
We will all join in the chorus.
It's the opera about Boris
Which is Godunov for me.
33) There is room enough in Hades
For lots of criminals and shadies
And disreputable ladies,
And they're good enough for me.
34) To the tune of Handel's "Largo"
We will hymn the gods of cargo
'Til they slap on an embargo
And that's good enough for me.
35) Praise to Popacatapetl
Just a tiny cigarette'll
put him in terrific fettle
so he's good enough for me.
36) We will drive up to Valhalla
riding Beetles, not Impalas
singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
and that's good enough for me.
37) We will all bow to Hephaestus
As a blacksmith he will test us
'cause his balls are pure asbestos
so he's good enough for me.
38) We will sing of Iluvatur,
Who sent the Valar 'cross the water
To lead Morgoth to the slaughter
And that's just fine with me.
39) We will sing of Foul the Render,
Who's got Drool Rockworm on a bender
In his cave in Kiril Threndor--
They're both too much for me.
40) We will sing the Jug of Issek,
And of Fafhrd his chief mystic,
Though to thieving Mouser will stick,
And that's good enough for me.
41) Of Lord Shardik you must beware;
To please him you must swear;
'Cause enraged he's a real Bear,
And that's good enough for me.
42) You can dance and wave the thyrsos
And sing lots of rowdy verses
Till the neighbors holler curses,
And that's good enough for me.
43) Let us celebrate Jehovah
Who created us \ab/ \ova/
He'll be on tonight on Nova
'cause he's good enough for me.
44) Montezuma used to start out
He would rip a certain part out
You would really eat your heart out
And he's good enough for me.
45) We will go to worship Zeus
Though his morals are quite loose
He gave Leda quite a goose
And he's good enough for me.
46) It was good enough for Loki
For he is the god of Chaos
And this verse doesn't even rhyme, or scan.
Fuck you! It's good enough for me.
47) Let us sing to old Discordia
'Cause it's sure she's never bored ya
And if she's good enough for ya
Then she's good enough for me.
48) We will go to worship Venus
Though we hear she's kind of mean(us)
She might bite you on the--elbow
But she's good enough for me.
49) Well, we went to worship Venus
And, by god, you should have seen us
'Cause the clinic had to screen us
But she's good enough for me.
50) We will go and worship Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she'll never raise her prices
So she's good enough for me.
51) We will sing a song of Mithras
Let us sing a song of Mithras
But there is no rhyme for Mithras!
Still he's good enough for me.
52) We will go to worship Kali
She will help us in our folly
She'd be quite an armful, golly!
And she's good enough for me.
53) We will all bow down to Allah,
For he gave his loyal follow-
Ers the mighy petro-dollah,
And that's good enough for me.
54) Let us sing to Lord Cthuhlu
Don't let Lovecraft try to fool you
Or the Elder Gods WILL rule you
And that's good enough for me.
55) Let us watch Ka.ka.pa.ull
Frolic in her swimming pool
Subjecting chaos to her rule
And that's all right with me
56) Let's all listen up to Jesus
He says rich folks like old Croesus
Will be damned until Hell freezes
And that don't sound good to me.
57) Let us do our thing for Eris
Goddess of the discord there is
Apple's golden, it's not ferrous
and that's good enough for me
58) Of the Old Ones, none is vaster
Even Cthulhu's not his master
I refer to the unspeakable ------*
and that's good enough for me
* well, do YOU want to say it?
59) Let us worship old Jehovah
All you other gods move ovah
Cause the one God's takin' over
And it's good enough for me
60) Let us sing for Brooharia
Though the blood's a lot less cleaner
It's not Christian Santaria
So it's good enough for me
61) Timmy Leary we will sing to
And the things that he was into
(Well, at least it wasn't Shinto)
And that's good enough for me.
62) We shall sacrifice to OTIS
and Lotus, Spode, and Rotus
Though the normals may not notice
It will be good enough for me.
63) Then we'll worship with the Fruitcakes
(better than those Buddhist flakes)
bowing for the weekly keepsake
and it will be good enough for me
Verses 1-7 (omitting 1a) were submitted ( and possibly written by)Dan Ruvin.
Verses 8 and 9 submitted by John Redford
Verse 10 submitted by John "Out of tune again" Wenn
Music and verses 11-33 were submitted by Judith Schrier taken from Filthy
Pierre's Song Book.
Verses 34-38 and 45 submitted by Chip Hitchcock
Verses 39-42 submitted by Will Duquette
Verses 43-44 submitted by Ruth Sylvester
Verses 46-54 submitted by Erich Rickheit KSC
Verses 55-60 submitted by Dani Zweig
Verse 61 submitted by Erich Rickheit KSC
Verse 62-63 by EJ Barnes, submitted by Tim Howland, member in moderately good
standing of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes.
One variant of the Loki verse (last digest) which I've heard is:
Let us sing a praise to Loki
The Norse God of Fire and Chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme or scan
But it's good enough for me
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"In the wooden chair beside my window, I wear a face born in the falling rain,
I talk to shadows from a lonely candle, recite the phrazes from the wall,
I can't explain this holy pain... "
Simos Hadjiyiannis
---===*** Part II ***===---
S. Travaglia, Computer Services (~Late '86)
Twas the night before BACKUP and all through the disk, not a
creature was stirring, not even a fatal IO error. Because SRUMAN was
on the job, once more !!!
Yes folks, it's SRUMAN, System Supporter Extraordinaire, Defender
of Diskquota, Battler of Batch queues, Protector of Printouts, Basher
of Bugchecks, Hater of HALT instructions, Fighter for freedom and the
DIGITAL way...
.. We join our hero this time in an abandoned Run Time Library,
cleaning his shining new IOSB.
My IOSB gleamed in the half-light like a head crashed RM05 as I
slid it out of the abandoned Run Time Library that was my new home.
One good thing about a revision is that you can pick up the old stuff
fairly cheap. Why, my new digs had only cost me 301/304 blocks, and
what the hell, I was only saving them for a rainy day anyway.
I kicked the IOSB into life and roared off down the system towards
my destination, the batch queues. Definitely a seedy place, filled
with the sort of things you'd never take to your sys$login to meet your
parent processes. I hated going there, but sacrifices had to be made
if the system was to remain safe.
After a while of cruising, I decided that there was nothing amiss
so I decided it was time to check out the non-paged pool. Now there
was ALWAYS some action there, without fail; The EVL finds work for
idle processes... Sure enough, as soon as I got there, I knew that
something was going down. I just hoped it wasn't the system, although
you never can tell...
I prepared myself for action by loosening my .44 calibre vector
blaster in it's holster, and changed mode to kernel inside my friendly
BASIC enviroment. Quicker than you could type 'Jack Robinson forgot
his password here, 12 August 1982' I saw exactly what was going on.
Someone had been messing around with the FLOATING POINT, only now it
had sunk. How dare they! When the floating point drops, so does all
the hardware. The system was UNSUPPORTED! Quickly I located where all
the trouble was by locating the weakest spot. Sure enough, there was a
BREAKPOINT right where I expected it. I did some temporary repairs and
decided to get some skilled craftsmen down here to fix it later.
But before that, I hads to go right to the top and check out
the AST LEVEL. I liked it up here, it was all action, no-one wasted
any time, and you hardly ever ran into a loose page fault. I ran into
Exec and User Mode (the Kernels younger brothers) on the way up. They
had been asked by Kernel to let me know that there was something
terribly wrong with one of the system suburbs. I asked them what they
knew, but they could only tell me that there had been a terrible fight
down at Micro Code Level and that the culprit had escaped to the BASIC
enviroment. I decided to put the batch queues cruise on HOLD until I
had checked this problem out fully. I was just about to leave when I
got a CLI callback from somewhere unknown. It said 'remember the
force, young process saver'. The voice ! It was my old Master, Opcom!
I wrenched out my custom made XAB out of it's holster. Whenever
Opcom said something to me, it was always a warning that something bad
was going to happen. I didn't bother REPLYing to him as the ready
light on my XAB flicked to the deep red of a 11-750 error indicator.
Carefully, i moved to my IOSB. All seemed well so far, I couldn't see
what Opcom had in mind. Maybe he was, like me, just getting a bit
short in the cpu department.
I should have known to trust the judgement of Opcom, he'd never
been wrong yet... I started feeling uneasy, something EVL was in the
air. Sure enough, Opcom was right, he must have had some REQUESTs for
help from BASIC. I lept onto my IOSB and knew at once I had made a
mistake. This was not my late model, and the return status was all
wrong. I was in trouble and I knew it. I narrowly avoided a Q-Bus as
the IOSB accelerated, out of control(^), towards the output buffers. I
managed to control it long enough to steer it clear of the buffers, but
clipped a terminal driver and we went down... I abandoned the IOSB
just before it hit a physical buffer head on. It was slightly damaged,
but I'd seen worse. I ducked into the BASIC enviroment and was about
to change mode to Kernel again when I realised I had walked into an
asynchronous trap ! Damn, I was going so well, too.
The culprits from micro-code level were all here, and I knew that
I had better do something fast. There was 15 of them altogether, but
it would take more than 15 to do me in ! AP was the first to come at
me, he didn't stand a chance, as soon as he was within range, I just
PUSHed him onto the stack. This shook SP up because all he did was
stand pointing at FP. But, as my bad luck would have it, AP POPped
right back up again. It seems I hadn't pushed him down LONG enough.
PC came at me, though he seemed somewhat erratic, he came at me from
one side, but before hew could do any damage, I had him and AP at each
other's throats. They went down faster that an 11-730 with a fatal bug
check. SP was still out of action, he just pointed at PC now.
Next came the registers. I cleared that lot in no time. Which only
left the big heavies PSL and SP. SP looked to be frozen, but I
couldn't be sure, but PSL was still in the fight. My XAB was useless
against him, and I knew it. If i ever got out of this mess, I was
going to have a LONGWORD with OPCOM about getting some new, up to date
gear. PSL yelled something FAOL at me and moved in. I grabbed the
nearest available weapon, which was an old bootstrap that someone had
left laying around. The bootstrap seemed to have a will of it's own as
it choked PSL into submission. SP had given up, the shock had been too
much for him, he was ruined, and decided to end it all. Before I could
stop him, in a fit of madness he lept into a register dump, where all
bad registers go to show themselves as they really are. It was really
quite sad.
After that, I decided that I had had enough for one day. I
decided to sink a few tinnies down at the cluster, a new place that had
opened up, system - wide. Most of the working set ended up there when
they were feeling a bit under quota. It was just like old times, I ran
into epsilon and mantissa who were in standard form, after drinking
half the cluster dry that morning. I told them about the day's
activities and they made it their mission to cheer me up. Epsilon gave
me his most prized possesstion, something that would stay with me
throughout my cpu time, his protection mask. It was a real beaut too,
made in the days when processes were processes, and quota was
unexceedable. I, in return, gave him one of my souvineer event flags
that I had picked up when touring foreign systems. We were having such
a good time reminiscing that we didn't notice a rather over the limit
vector take EXCEPTION to mantissa. Before we knew it, the logical
tables were sent flying as the vector moved in on mantissa. Neither
Epsilon nor myself were worried as we knew that mantissa used to be an
exit handler for the system services before getting his current job.
Out of the corner of my eye though, I saw one of mantissa's mates from
those days get ready should he be needed. My god, it was the top
hit-man, $DELPRC! I sure hoped that mantissa would make the vector see
reason. Luckily, the men from ASCII (Associated System Combine
Incident Inhibitors) turned up before things got nasty. Lucky they
were here, they usually spend most of their time on the Interrupt
Priority Level, keeping things going up there. They took the vector
away and we returned to our memories of version 1, and how we had
changed.
"Isn't the system wonderful manny ?"
"Yep, S.R, it sure is isn't it..."
"Hey Epsilon, remember that time you me, Sruman and those three
...."
-=+ The End +=-
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Six days ago my life had taken a tumble, the orders cam from high above
They say, a need to use once again they've got my number, further the cause,
Yes boy you know the game, I'll wait here for days longer, till sister comes
To wash my sins, she is the lady that can ease my sorrow, she brings the only
Friend that helps me find my way... "