Looking for St. Peter Jokes
Stephen Neely
Does anyone know any of the St. Peter at the gates of heaven... jokes?
David Geiser
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone
gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried
in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter."
Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly
gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard.
"Name" says St. Peter.
"Margaret Thatcher" she replies.
Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the
name of our illustrious leader.
"I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell.
Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says:
"Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman
after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the
furnaces to reduce capacity"
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates!
Sherlock holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awiting his
turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll tell me who among these
was the first mortal". "Thats elementary, my dear St. Peter", said the great
detective, "He's the one without a bellybutton".
The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession.
St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell ...
"Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an
IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell."
"What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager.
"Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying
to compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on,
under emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a
cross and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen."
"The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications
protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by
two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys
salesmen."
"The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program
to run under ICLs current OS, whatever that is, followed by two hours of
being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by ICL salesmen."
On hearing this, the DP manager looked worried. A passing Imp took pity
on him, and suggested that he try the ICL hell. Upon being asked to
explain, the Imp said,
"Well, they never learn in the ICL hell. By the time the salesman have
collected the wood to make the cross, found the hardware support
engineers and gotten them to nail the bits together, and then called out
for the coal, the two hours are almost always over."
A man became suspicious of his wife. He was convinced that she was
having an affair with another man although she consistantly denied it. One
day he decided to leave work early to try to "catch her in the act".
Pulling into the parking lot (they live on the 8th floor of an apartment
building), he sneaks up the stairs. Upon reaching the door of the
apartment, he hears his wife laughing inside. Trying to open the door
silently, he slips and bangs his head against the door with a resounding
"BOOM!" but still manages to make a fairly rapid entry. Inside, he sees
his wife (looking a bit sheepish) with 2 half filled glasses and a wine
bottle. Accusing her of an affair again, she claims that they were both
for her. Not believing this for an instant, he makes a rapid search of the
apartment, finishing in the kitchen. Finding no one else puts him into a
rage and he looks out the kitchen window. There, 8 stories below is a
young man rushing out of the building putting on his tie. The husband,
convinced that he has found the adulterer goes completely off the deep end,
picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, immediately suffers
a heart attack and dies. (Setup complete)
At the gates of heaven are three men waiting to get in. St. Peter
asks the first one "How did you come to be here my son?". The man replies
"Well, this is going to sound strange but I was late for work and was
running out of my apartment when this refrigerator dropped out of the sky
and killed me." St. Peter checks his books, shakes his head in amazement
at what the world below is coming to, and lets the man in.
The second man says "Now I feel really bad. I was convinced that
my wife was having an affair. When I saw the previous gentleman rushing
out of my building, I thought I had found him. I lost control of my
temper and threw the refrigerator onto him. The strain was too much for my
heart and I died of a heart attack leaving my innocent wife to fend for
herself." St. Peter consults his books for some time, balances the incident
against the man's prior life, makes some nondescript sounds and decides to
let the man in.
After making a number of notes in his books, St. Peter turns to the
third man who says: "Well, I was just sitting there in this refrigerator..."
Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and
St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven
at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the
poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as
it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea.
Longfellow:
I see the sea, I see the shore,
I hear the mighty ocean roar.
Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue.
Their destination: Timbuktu.
(OK, so Longfellow is a little weak in geography)
Nash:
Tim and me, to sea we went,
Spied three women in a tent.
Since they were three, and we but two,
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.
"Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk
through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've
lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little
angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"
"Yes", says the man," but it was only one time."
St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are
extenuating circumstances."
Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."
St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go
ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I
started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of
my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron
instead of the four iron..."
St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"
Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The
ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird
flew right into the ball's path..."
St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"
Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the
bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and
started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a
sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...
St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it
stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Episcopalian". St. Peter looks down his list, and
says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion"? "Baptist".
"Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion"? "Jewish". "Go to
room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8". The man says,
"I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,
but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8"?
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think
they're the only ones here".
A man dies and goes to Heaven.
The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.
The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each
other.
"These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the
Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses."
In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every
culture in Heaven.
Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall.
"Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the
Americans. They like to think that they're the only ones here."
--
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
--
SRIN...@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca
Famous surgeon dies and goes to heaven. There is a long line-up before
St Peter, but he steps to the front and asks for immediate admittance.
St Pete says "Who do you think you are, butting in like that?" and the
famous doctor says " I was a world renowned doctor - a saver of lives"
and St. Peter says "Doctor schmoktor, wait in line like anybody else". So
the Doctor goes to the end of the line and waits his turn. A few minutes later
a man in a white lab coat with a stethascope around his neck walks up to the
Pearly Gates, and everyone jumps to attention, the bells ring and the lights
flash and the guy saunters through the gates. The famous doctor sees this,
and races up to St. Pete and wants to know why THAT doctor got immediate
admission, and St. Pete says " That was God, but some days he likes to play
doctor".
Scott Ringrose
Printing and Presentation Services
B C Sytems Corporation, (604)389-3729 BCSC01(MVS)=SC32169
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bleh
>the Archangel Gabriel flying over Hell, just above the perimeter,
>checking to see that all was in order. Daily, the old woman
>would cry out to the angel and plaintively beg for him to ask
>God to forgive her and release her from the torment of Hell.
>
>[carrot stuff deleted]
>
>So, the moral is that the carrot had the strength to
>remove her and *all* the others from Hell, but she
>was uncharitable and selfish and caused the chance of
>freedom to be lost to all who had joined the chain.
No, the moral is that women are stupid.
-Koushik "Oh, what an ass I am..."
Dave Johnson
pearly gates and says "Welcome to heaven. Heaven is a big place,
so you'll both need transportation. The type of transportation
you get depends on how faithful you were during your life on earth".
So the first guy smiles, because he was always faithful and true
to his wife, and sure enough, he gets a bright red Ferrari! The
second guy isn't quite so thrilled, since he'd had a few quickies
with his secretary, and sure enough, he gets a Pontiac.
A couple of weeks later, the second guy happens to see the first
guy at a bar in heaven. The first guy is crying over his beer.
"Hey, what's the matter? You're in heaven, you got a great car,
what's there to cry about?"
"I just saw my wife."
"Wow, you should be thrilled, especially since you were faithful
to her for all those years! What's wrong?"
"She was riding a skateboard...."
--
Dave Johnson
"You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."
--Kathleen Turner in Body Heat
Daniel B Case
>
>Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly
>gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard.
>"Name" says St. Peter.
>"Margaret Thatcher" she replies.
>Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the
>name of our illustrious leader.
>"I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell.
>Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs.
>A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says:
>"Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman
>after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the
>furnaces to reduce capacity"
Lenin dies and shows up in heaven, at the gates. St. Peter comes out to see
who it is. "What! You have a lot of nerve showing up here! You can't come in,
you're Lenin! You're supposed to go to hell!". So Lenin leaves.
A few days later, St. Peter stops by hell and asks Lucifer how it's going. He
says it's fine, but then says he's got to get going.
"Why?" St. Peter asks.
"I'll be late for a party rally."
There's another Soviet afterlife joke that's similar to your ICL joke:
A devout communist dies and is sent to hell. The devil offers him a choice
between the capitalist and the communist hell.
He asks "What's the difference?"
"Well, in the capitalist hell they drive a nail up your ass all day long, every
day for a month, one nail each day".
"That sounds capitalistic. What's the communist hell like?"
"The same idea. But the devils there get drunk a lot, and there are frequent
shortages of nails".
"Ah! So Communism is superior after all-its defects are in fact its strengths.
I'll take the Communist one" he said almost eagerly.
"Okay, but I'd better warn you. In the last ten days of the month, they drive
all the nails up your ass in a real hurry".
[in case you don't get it, communist plants used to fill their quotas in a big
hurry at the end of each month, when supplies finally became available,
resulting in the shoddily made products communist industry became infamous for]
"Fine art and pizza delivery- Dan Case
what we do falls neatly in between!" V140...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu
-David Letterman Prodigy: WDNS15D
State University of New York at Buffalo
Matthew Persico
<sn...@andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
|>
|>Does anyone know any of the St. Peter at the gates of heaven... jokes?
Dolly Parton and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, it
is the end of the month and there's only room for one more person. So
St. Peter tell them that they have to do something to prove that they
belong in the last spot. Dolly opens her blouse, reveals her ample
breasts and figures that that should be enough to get her in. Lady Di
lifts up her dress, take a Massingail's out of her purse and douches
herself right there and then.
St. Peter, highly confused, tell both ladies to wait and goes back in to
talk it over with God. When he comes back, he lets in Lady Di. Dolly
is livid:
"You mean to tell me I show you these woderful works of art and you let in
the womon who did that digusting act?"
"Dolly," St. Peter replies, "you should know better: a royal flush beats
a pair any day."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew O. Persico
per...@sysdev.dmg.ml.com
Merrill Lynch
Debt Markets Group
World Financial Center
(212) 449-3257 Phone North Tower
(212) 449-0912 Fax New York, N.Y. 10281-1315
BIG DISCLAIMER:
The opinions expressed herein are those of Matthew O. Persico and do not
represent those of Merrill Lynch.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maurice E. Suhre
people having a barbeque. Upon inquiry, St. Peter explains that those
were Catholics who weren't allowed to eat meat on Friday. (This is a
*very* old joke).
Next, they pass a group dancing away. The explanation is that they are
Baptists and weren't allowed to dance.
Finally, they pass a group that seems to be doing nothing. St. Peter
explains that they were Presbyterians and they could do anything.
--
Maurice Suhre
su...@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
Bruce Momjian
Last night I had a dream that I had died and gone to heaven. I was
standing at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter was interviewing me about
my life. As he was asking me questions, I saw Jim through the Pearly
Gates, and he was with this very ugly woman. So I asked Saint Peter,
"Why is Jim with that woman?" Saint Peter said, "Well, when Jim was a
little boy, he threw a stone and killed a bird, and that's his
punishment." I said, "Oh", and was thankful I never threw stones at
birds.
Later on, I saw Ernie through the gates, and he was with this really
ugly woman, the ugliest woman I ever saw, so I said to Saint Peter, "Why
is Ernie with that really ugly woman?" Saint Peter said, "Well, when
Ernie was a little boy, he threw a stone and killed a bird, and that's
his punishment."
The interview was just finishing up, and I saw Bob, and Bob was with Dolly
Parton, so I asked, "Saint Peter, how come Bob is with Dolly Parton.", and
Saint Peter said, "Well, when Dolly was a little girl ..."
* * *
This is a great joke to tell with a group of guys. The look on the last
guy's face when he hears he is with Dolly Parton, and then when he hears
why, is great.
--
Bruce Momjian | 830 Blythe Avenue
root%candl...@bts.com | Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania 19026
+ If your life is a hard drive, | (215) 353-9879(w)
+ Christ can be your backup. | (215) 853-3000(h)
Todd Blakaitis
>Here's a joke, good for humbling someone:
>
>Last night I had a dream that I had died and gone to heaven. I was
>standing at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter was interviewing me about
......punch line vvvvvvv..........
>Saint Peter said, "Well, when Dolly was a little girl ..."
>
> * * *
>
>This is a great joke to tell with a group of guys. The look on the last
>guy's face when he hears he is with Dolly Parton, and then when he hears
>why, is great.
Why do people feel that they have to explain their jokes? You'll either
get it or you won't?????? :-)
Oh wait...you mean I am Dolly Parton's punishment????
But that would mean that I'd be...OHHHHHH you kidder, you! :->
>Bruce Momjian, its late and I'm confused....
--==>> to...@vu-vlsi.vill.edu <<==--
Alex Gottschalk
This Jazz musician dies and goes to heaven (all jazz musicians go to heaven).
In heaven is the biggest, hippest jazz-fest *ever*! Dizzy Gilespie is there, as
are Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, and tons of others-- famous and unknown.
Our recently deceased friend is wandering around having a great time, when he
hears this amazingly cool muted trumpet playing really faintly somewhere. So
the guy looks all over trying to find the player, and finally he sees this
person hunched in a corner with his back to everyone, just blowing the most
intensely amazing solo on this really nice mute trumpet. Our friend, naturally
wants to know what gives, so he beckons Louis Armstrong over.
"You see that trumpet player over there, Louis? What gives with him?"
And Louis replies, "Oh that's just God. The guy thinks he's Miles Davis or
something."
-Alex Gottschalk
.
+ Each of us percieves the universe through our own personal filter, +
+ and these filters are named reality. Mistaking reality for Truth is +
+ the main cause of disagreement between people. +
= Alex's basses are a homemade 5-string fretless, a 8-string made of =
= Warmoth parts, and a Westone Rail headless. He plays through a GK =
= 200MB and an ElectroHarmonix 16-second digital delay. =
JEFF
>
>Does anyone know any of the St. Peter at the gates of heaven... jokes?
Here's one:
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Andrew Ross, UO Law School
So the Holy family is puttering around one day, and Jesus is hanging out
when suddenly he jumps up and runs back home and call out, "Father, father,
did you call me just now?"
And God says, "No, son, I just accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer."
Sharma
Jinnah(A Pakistani leader and archrival of Mahatma Gandhi) went to Hell where he had to work very hard. But he was surprised to see Mahatma Gandhi with Marilyn Monroe on his lap. He promptly complained to Lucifer saying is that what you call punishment having Marilyn Monroe witting on your lap. Lucifer said "No, No!. It's Marilyn Monroe who is being punished"