DOLL REVIEW: Chasey Lain Inflatable Fntasy Playmate
James Kibo Parry
carnal relations with someone who has "new car smell".]
In some "erotic" newsgroups, Artist1311 (artis...@aol.com) wrote:
>
> DOLL REVIEW:
>
> CHASEY LAIN INFLATABLE FANTASY PLAYMATE
"Cheezy Layin'"?
> Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate
> Signature Collectors Edition
This makes me worry that somewhere there is a collector of blow-up dolls
pasting them into a gigantic album, which he has to close very slowly
as the air pffffts out.
> This doll has a molded neck that can safely be choked without risking
> anyone's life.
Unlike my blow-up doll!
That's why mine's better.
It's got poisoned spikes all around the neck.
> A lot of you have written in and asked about the Chasey Lain Inflatable
> Fantasy Playmate. After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great
> doll, although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects that
> made it unusable.
I suppose that this means either it had a hole, or it had NO holes.
> Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever
> purchased.
>
> Which brings us face to face with the quality control issue. None of the
> manufacturers or retailers of inflatable dolls will stand behind their
> products
Hey, if I were in a sex-toy shop in Boston's Combat Zone, where gunfire is
likely to break out at any moment, I wouldn't stand behind a puffy sex doll
either, unless she was filled with sand and dressed in Kevlar hot pants.
> and all of them have quality control problems because there is no financial
> incentive for them to care. This makes every inflatable doll purchase a
> gamble.
"I'm not addicted to sex with blowup dolls, I'm addicted to GAMBLING!"
> Because of the inherent gamble involved, I generally only buy cheap dolls.
I would just like to say that if I had a blow-up sex doll I would also
want the cheapest kind, unless it was used.
> They don't have as many features and don't last as long,
MAW! PAW DONE BLOWN UP THUR AY-OH-AYEL AGAYUN!!!!
I'm sorry, the segue fell out between those two lines.
> but the risk is much less.
> Even taking dud dolls into account,
Sex dolls are the only industry where the ones that go *BLAM* are the duds!
> it is more cost effective over the long run
> to buy several cheap dolls rather than one expensive doll.
Or you could rent them by the hour.
> The overall body shape of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a
> doggie
...I AM INSERTING A LINE BREAK HERE FOR NO REASON...
> style position, although her arms and legs are quite flexible and she
> can easily be put into a nice seated or kneeling position. [...]
> And the shape of the body and body parts is better than most dolls,
> although the ass is a little weird.
A blessing in disguise -- I'm sure there's someone out there with
a fetish for Weird Asses.
> The plastic is darker than most dolls, to
> create the impression of a full body tan.
It's just like she's a real woman who got a healthy tan before being
dipped in vinyl.
> The head of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a fully molded
> mannequin head, with mouth, tongue, eyes, nose, ear,
AAAIIIEEE!!! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE ONE-EARED INFLATABLE WOMAN!!!!
> and full head of long red hair. The material for the face is soft and
> pliable. The glass eyes are a pale blue and the eyelids have long black
> eyelashes. The eyes do not close. The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy
> Playmate's hair is long, red, and straight. The face is molded from
> Chasey herself.
Yeah, but from what part of her body?
> I prefer cartoon faces on my dolls (it makes the fantasy experience more fun),
But it's so hard to find a Miss Othmar doll. Especially one with the
noisemaker that goes "wa-wa, wa-wa-wa".
> but as far as realistic faces go, this is the best.
>
> Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate's mouth is the most kissable and
> best feeling mouth of any doll. The lips and tongue are a strange color (same
> as the rest of the flesh). The tongue is really nice (flexible and soft),
> perfect for French kissing. The tongue is supposed to be battery powered to go
> in circles for better French kissing, but on the doll I purchased this
> vibrator never worked.
When I try French-kissing my wife, she tells me I'm not doing it right either.
> Because of the position of the tongue, there is no room for oral sex.
That's why Jell-O is better than sex!
> [...] There is a sharp plastic lip where the tits are mounted on the
> doll chest,
Oh, these dolls, they got lips all over these days.
> [...gynecological details of intimate diameters elided... you really
> don't want to know...]
>
> Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an excellent doll,
> although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a serious
> setback.
You fool, you spent your money on a BOWLING BALL WITH A WIG!
(Cue segue to "The Six Dollar Man" segment on "Sesame Street")
> The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate also has plastic molded hands
> and feet. The fingernails and toenails are painted pink. The hands and feet
> are realistically shaped and are soft, pliable plastic. The fingers are
> separated (allowing for sucking of each individual finger), but the toes
> are all a single piece (preventing sucking of individual toes).
Oh no! All ten toes are a single piece! This makes her more bow-legged
than Kermit!
> [...]
>
> THE FOLLOWING IS THE TEXT ON THE BOX:
>
> Chasey Lain "Sexteen" Sensuous Features
>
> 1. Original molding of Chasey's face
I'm thinking that the magical (yet stupid) technology used in the movie
"Face/Off" will soon be used to make blow-up dolls with faces that are
even more special. And they'll come with free ketchup!
> 2. Crystal Eyes
"Ernie, I sublim 8 the sandbox."
"Well, Bert, that's 'cause you've got crystal eyes."
(This is followed by that "where the suns raise meat" pun and then
there's a song about the Planck Constant.)
> 3. Long silky hair
Someday I need to go bald so that I can buy an all-silk toupee just
so I can go around with the only TRULY silky hair in the world.
> 5. French Kiss rotating tongue
I have this vision of it spinning around and around like a screwdriver.
Or maybe making ratchet-wrench noises.
Hey, if you put two of these dolls together, you could have exciting
MOTORIZED TONGUE WRESTLING!
> 12. Molded Butt, vibrating
MAW! THUR VI-BRAYTIN' BUTT'S DONE GONE BUH-ZERK AGAYUN!
(Poor Spot! The vibrating butt chased him around the room!)
> 14. Lifelike Feel-of-Real Soft-Squeeze Nipples
A key part of Richard Simmons's "Feel-of-Real" diet and pornography plan.
> 15. Chasey lube
Someday there's going to be a mix-up at the factory that makes the
K-Y Jelly and the Krazy Glue 'cause they both start with "K" and then
next month you'll be in the most-photocopied issue of all medical journals.
> 16. Pin-up Poster (Originally signed by Chasey)
By the time you get it the signature will have changed to someone else's.
> Battery Operated. Uses 4 "AA" Batteries (not included).
I hate to think where you insert them.
> [...]
>
> All materials Copyright 1997 Topco Sales, San Fernando, California,
Hey! Star Market's "Top Care" brand shampoo is also made by Topco!
EWWWWWW!!! Remind me not to wash my hair ever again.
(I better get started on ordering that silk toupee.)
> [...]
>
> SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY
They should just put on a big sticker which says "LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH".
Or else make you get a prescription.
> [...much more stuff elided...]
I would have to say that this was the most informative long-format review
of an inflatable doll I have ever read. God bless the Internet!
-- K.
I remember how, twenty years ago,
if you wanted to know about
inflatable dolls you had to ask
your French teacher! I mean parents.
Am I in danger of becoming Benny Hill?
Ben Flieger
James "Kibo" Parry wrote in message ...
After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great
>> doll, although the one I purchased had severe quality control
defects that
>> made it unusable.
>> Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever
>> purchased.
>> Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an
excellent doll,
>> although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a
serious
>> setback.
So lemme get this straight: It's an inflatable sex doll which you
can't have sex with and has severe quality control defects, yet is
still an "excellent" and "great" doll?
No wonder there is no financial reason to make sex dolls without major
flaws, people will buy everything both naked and vinyl. Capitalism
works, you wackos.
Thought: What's the connection with the house siding? Could there be
house porn in the future?
If someone got their tongue stuck in the rotating blender tongue
mouth, would it be funnier if:
a)they spun around while the doll didn't
b)the doll spun around while they didn't
f)Bob Hope spun around but the house didn't
James Kibo Parry
>
> Artist1311 (artis...@aol.com) wrote:
> >
> > After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great doll,
> > although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects
> > that made it unusable.
> >
> >
> > doll, although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a
> > serious setback.
>
>
> can't have sex with and has severe quality control defects, yet is
> still an "excellent" and "great" doll?
Yes, if your idea of sex is playing house in a giant Barbie house
with giant Barbie clothes. It's so hard finding those pink pearlescent
stretch pants stitched with two-inch-thick thread.
> No wonder there is no financial reason to make sex dolls without major
> flaws, people will buy everything both naked and vinyl.
Hey! I buy some things when I am not naked! You can't get White Castles
over the Internet yet!
Also, I am still awaiting the invention of a vinyl blow-up woman with
grooves all over her body that can be played on any record player.
(FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTER 1980, ASK GRANDPA WHAT A "33-1/3 L.P." WAS.)
> Capitalism works, you wackos.
IF CAPITALISM STOPS WORKING WE WILL BE SANE!!!
> Thought: What's the connection with the house siding? Could there be
> house porn in the future?
Hmm, a house with inflatable vinyl siding would have one problem:
It would be very hard to get your key into the vibrating keyhole.
> If someone got their tongue stuck in the rotating blender tongue
> mouth, would it be funnier if:
> a) they spun around while the doll didn't
> b) the doll spun around while they didn't
> f) Bob Hope spun around but the house didn't
I note that the new TV Guide lists the 50 Allegedly Greatest Funny-Funnies
Ha-Ha-Ha Ever On Tee Vee. #47 is "The Bob Hope Show" when Bob Hope did
"This Is Your Life" with an all-dog cast, and a dog came out walking a
smaller dog on a leash.
I don't know who compiled this bozo list, but I can think of more than
thirty-six things funnier than watching Bob Hope watch a dog walk another dog.
Like, the time he got dropped on his head in Iceland on live TV during
a Christmas special. Or a lava lamp. In fact, most lava lamps are
funnier than Bob Hope.
-- K.
Especially if he's inside one.