[Sith War 2003] Gathering
Rainbow Heron
Rassmdale. An alternate universe that encompasses the whole of
Middle-Earth (a planet located halfway from Tatooine to the RASS*
Sector, near enough to Endor) into one City on RASSM Planet...or a
location that's *just* less confusing enough to write the Fellowship
into one place at one time.
But then again, in a Sith War, who gives a f*ck where you are just as
long as you are *somewhere*.
<ahem>
============
Much talk filled the bridge.
Alice was lamenting over Darth Gumby who had had an accident in the
bathroom and was proceeding to put DG in the Jump-DMC along with
PeterPika and Hot ROddish, Bill Anderson was tweeting like a canary
from his wheelchair, Simon H. Lee was reading some book and commenting
on how lame it was at the same time, while Tilson and McEwok were
trying desperately to converse with Ponte who had just recently shown
up for no apparent reason along with a still very blind Sean Walsh.
Just then ObeeKris wandered in, followed closely by two penguins. He
put two fingers in his mouth and LOUDLY whistled. Everyone shut up and
looked up immediately.
"Penguins!" Grand Admiral McEwok snarled. "As if we didna' hiv a wheen
enou' o' wee wheen fitba'-sizit sidekicks tae be gaein oan wi'!" For
that, he got a swift kick in the shin by one penguin and a swift kick
in the...um...between the shins by the other. Writhing in pain and
exclaiming obsenities, McEwok scowled as he looked up at the penguins'
owner.
ObeeKris: "Sorry about that, but I heard you could use a swordsman."
"A *swordsman*, aye?" McEwok groaned. "Jist sae lang as yer speciality
isnae geldin'!"
ObeeKris: "Don't worry, they only do that in...extenuating
circumstances. ;-)"
McEwok looked at the two penguins (Sara and Henson) who just grinned.
"Awricht, jist sit yer wee antarctic arses doon 'fer ah thraw yes in
an achet an cook yis oer a hot stave. Penguin... the ither, ither
white meat, aye?"
============
After everyone had settled in their seats (except for the other
Pokemon who were either in Pokeballs on Alice's belt or hiding behind
various columns scattered about the area), McEwok did his best to
stand up and start the meeting.
"Alright, we be needin' us a lass fer this. Alice -er- Galadriel, git
up here."
Alice (still in that damn blonde wig) reluctantly stood up in front of
everyone and spelled it out for them:
"The enemy has made a critical error and the time for our attack has
come. The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact
location of Mount Doom. We also know that Mount Doom is just the
common tongue translation for 'DejaNews'. With so few Sith Warriors
participating in this Sith War due to sidefighting and the victory
over expelling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our Fellowship is relatively
unprotected. But most important of all, we have learned from Lord
Ponte that the Balance Point Thread itself is personally contained
within the Book of Power that was auctioned off as the RASSM Family
Tree. Since WAY too many Bothans died to tell us what we already knew,
we'll just go ahead with everything and try to destroy this sucker
now."
"Grand Admiral McEwok..." Alice indicated for the still-limping
Scottish Ewok to come forward. Alice sat down, downed a whole bottle
of Dr. Pepper and muttered "I hate making speeches." "Better than your
introductions from Hell," Ewanpuff grumbled from behind a column.
Ianpuff promtply smacked him upside the head.
McEwok: "Bring oot the buik, buikbearer!."
Lord Ponte put the RASSM Family Tree book on the floor in the center
of the group.
Tilson: "So it's true, the book DOES exist! And it belongs to Drake
you say?"
McEwok: "Aye."
"I think my eyes *are* getting better. Instead of a small ringlike
blur, now I just see a brown booklike blur," Sean said to no one in
particular.
"That figures," said Simon as he looked up from his reading. "Let's
destroy it right now!!!"
Simon picked up his NJO novel and attempted to hack up the Book of
Power with the sharp edge of the spine. The novel got all bent up, as
did Simon, but the Book of Power remained intact. Not even an unknown
Force heretic could destroy it.
As everyone gasped, an enourmous amount of tweeting came from Bill's
wheelchair.
McEwok: "Y'quhat!? Speak English, mon!"
<irony here ;-) >
Tilson: "Maybe we should try to change him back."
Sean: "How?"
Simon: "Aren't there supposed to be some Elves or something around
here? ...Alice?"
Alice: "Hey don't look at *me*!"
ObeeKris: "But you're Galadriel! You're an Elf!"
Alice: "If I'm Galadriel then why am I here? Shouldn't I be back in
the woods at the Bar an-"
Tilson: "Just do it okay?!"
"Alright fine." Alice said a few weird but melodious words and with a
puff of smoke, Bill Anderson became human again...or rather, a
jade-colored canary that spoke like a human. "Not bad for a
whippersnapper. How'd you do that?" "I know how to speak Sindarin
Jigglypuff," Alice smirked. Bill started to sneer. "Hey you *want* to
speak like a laryngitic Tweety Bird for the rest of the Sith War?!"
Bill: "Anyway, the Book cannot be destoyed by anything within our
power here."
Ponte: "Not even a Death Star?"
Tilson: "No."
Ponte: "Shit."
ObeeKris: "Great, so what are we going to do then?"
McEwok: "You have only one choice, you must cast it back into the
fires of DejaNews in the land of Google from whence it came."
The group gasped in a moment of reverence as their jaws dropped in a
moment of shock. This moment of clarity wasn't likely to happen again.
Simon quickly snapped a shot of this Kodak moment. Momentarily, the
group regained their composure.
Alice: "Do we have to read it?"
ObeeKris: "Oh gosh I hope not."
Simon: "Can't we not read the Book of Power first and just comment
about it instead?"
Sean covered his ears and screamed like a girly Obi-Wan:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Simon: "How about just the Thread?"
Sean: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I've already lost my sight once!!!"
Simon: "So what am I going to DO then?! There's no real code in it for
me to destroy. I'd like to keep it around."
Bill picked up his cane and whacked Simon on the head. "We're ALL in
this and we're gonna destroy it. It's too dangerous to keep or to
read. What did ya *think* we were gonna do with it?! Stand on the
streets and hand it out in pamphlets?!"
Simon: "HEY! I helped create that darn thing and oh nevermind..."
============
To cut a long story short (yeah right), they all banded together and
formed the Fellowship Of the Thread. The Thread was bound in a Book
which Ponte was to carry. Everyone else was to follow and either make
sure Ponte didn't die, the Book didn't fall into the wrong hands, or
that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would destroy another Sith War. In the
words of the founding Fellowship:
Ponte: "Well, I brought it here so I might as well help take it away."
McEwok: "Aye. Bot ah dinna trust ye as far as ah can thraw ye, which
ain't sayin' much... bot it's liable tae be mair nor ye'll get frae
ony else hereaboots, aye? Sae... wha's up fer it? Wha's wi' us? Wha's
gaein'? Eh? Eh? Eh?"
There was an awkward pause.
"An' my axe!" McEwok yelled, slamming a large hatchet emphatically
into a convenient, centrally-placed treestump, and glowering at the
other assembled members of the Fellowship. "_Weel_?!"
ObeeKris: "I am! You have my sword." <Sara and Henson brandished some
fine mideval weaponry as well>
Bill: "And my brain."
Simon: "And my book...so we don't get bored."
Sean: "And my eyes, once I get them back."
Alice: "And my Pokemon." (to which everyone groaned even as the
Jigglypuff and Clefairy came out from behind the columns and struck
various heroic poses)
Tilson: "And because I always win, you guys are gonna need me."
============
Just before setting out on their quest, ObeeKris was walking amoungst
some of the cooler spots of Rassmdale that no one ever gets to see,
cuz shit doesn't get blown up there, while the penguins and Pokemon
disgused fighting techniques. Alice drove the Jump-DMC around to him,
by a nicely-carved statue of the Sith War Goddess.
"Pretty cool isn't she?" ObeeKris said as Alice stepped out of the
vehicle.
Alice: "Yeah, cool. I think she's the one who gave me some help when I
really needed it in the last Sith War," Alice walked up to the statue
and nodded a 'thank you'.
ObeeKris: "Wow, do you think she'll do a favor for me?"
"I wouldn't know," Alice looked over her shoulder, "I just hope she
doesn't get mad at me for discussing her in a Sith War post. Say you
think you can help me with something? It's Darth Gumby, I found it
passed out in the bathroom."
PeterPika and Hot ROddish were doing everything they could to revive
DG but were having no luck so far. Not even placing a fresh hot pie
under its nose had helped.
ObeeKris took one look and diagnosed: "Threadwraith."
Alice: "Huh?"
ObeeKris: "In a nutshell and for the sake of having enemies in a Sith
War -kinda- a Threadwraith is a person or thing that doesn't like
either Sith War 2003 or us discussing the Balance Point Thread. My
guess is that they'll try to come after us."
"Gee ya think?!" Alice said as she looked back at the two Pokemon who
were now chopping an onion under Gumby's nose. Gumby sneezed but went
right back to sleep. "Great. Porkinite Sleeping Fatly. What sort of
food will wake this warrior up?"
ObeeKris: "The end of the war probably."
Alice and the others looked hurt.
ObeeKris: "Or its favorite food?"
Alice: "That's the problem, I don't know which 1,138 of its favorite
foods to get! Indeed all I got right here is what the Pokemon and I
cooked up just about 5 minutes ago: Elvish bread and some alcoholic
trout-flavored beer." ObeeKris looked shocked. "Y'know, the others
drink. But we need it for the trip."
ObeeKris: "Guess you'll just have to leave Gumby then."
PeterPika and Hot ROddish started crying, but moreso from the onion.
Alice: "Alright, you two stay with Gumby and keep trying to revive it.
I'm pretty sure there's a fridge in some other part of Rassmdale you
can raid. Don't worry, we'll be back before you know it. You can
always lock the doors, put up the shields, and climb into the trunk if
there's trouble. And Hot ROddish: no driving off."
Bill wheeled himself over to the two and herded them back to the
enterance to Rassmdale. ObeeKris, the penguins and the Pokemon went on
ahead.
Alice: "Why are you still in a wheelchair if you're a bird?"
Bill: "You gotta finish changing me back whippersnapper. You sure
those Pokemon belong here?"
Alice: "Yeah, Galadriel needs Elves to command and since no one's
playing Legolas, I gotta keep it covered. Besides, they'll help out
with the fighting and all."
Bill stopped long enough to groan and cuss for a moment before
ushering Alice back on. A couple of Clefairy heard him and quickly
shot off a few arrows in the direction of the gazebo and precisely
struck a hapless Rassmdale citizen in the <censored>.
Alice: "You're still making us go aren't you?"
Bill: "<tweet>"
============
Meanwhile, a bunch of Threadwraiths watched the Fellowship leave
Rassmdale and cackled amoungst themselves for they carried the spores
of green sea cucumbers. When Rassmdale was finally empty, sea
cucumbers spread throughout the place. In a moment of victory, one
Threadwraith dropped down a piece of shit and blew it up.
<squirt!>
============
SUMMARY:
-the One Thread is contained within the Book of Power/RASSM Family
Tree that once belonged to Drake, both must be destroyed
-everyone meets everyone else and have decided to go
-no point, just something to get us going again and besides I wanted
to write in a Rivendell scene
-yes we're keeping the Pokemon
-the deleted scene was Jade and Muurgh watching the first half hour of
the special edition FOTR over and over just so they could watch
Hobbits eating
-the Threadwraiths are responsible for the sea cucumber invaision
-and in the end, shit got blown up
============
Thank you to my two co-conspirators -er- helpers!!!
-Rainbow Heron
(sig winks)
Alright, let's get this thing going again!
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