[Sith War 2002 Election] Drake/Gary Coleman/Drakette's Election Speech
Drake
he'd known what fun being a Jedi Ghost was he'd have let all those people
who wanted to kill him do so long ago. It was the best thing going... which
of course is why it wasn't going to last. The last thing Drake was thinking
before he disappeared from outside of the locker room was to try and figure
out whether to hit a gym or a nude yoga class.
But, since he disappeared from there, he had to reappear somewhere. Which
he did. In a lovely garden... and in front of a rather ticked off Sith War
Goddess. To which he combined the classic tag lines of both Quantum Leap
and The Invisible Man. "Oh boy crap."
- - -
RanPer and the cloaked figure who was running in Drake's place sat on the
stage awaiting their turn to give a speech. Unfortunately, some Steve
character just tried to claim he'd won the election, and then this other
creature claimed to now be in charge and handing it over to the Archon.
This wouldn't work at all. RanPer, knowing what Drake would do here, called
into his comlink to Drake's battle stations to blow up this Tilson
character.
In orbit of the planet, Drake's twin Breast Stars, the Dolly and Pamela,
dropped out of hyperspace. Locking their nipples onto Tilson's location
they both fired, obliterating his location. Sadly he survived because,
despite being a prick so far, he fell under the main character rules.
With that problem taken care of RanPer approached Muuurgh and whispered "If
you don't allow the election to resume, and renege on turning over the power
to the Archon I will tie you down and give you a full bikini wax."
Suddenly Muuurgh decided that in the interest of all things fair, that the
voters should be allowed to decide. And thus abdicated the podium so RanPer
could lead the cloaked figure to give his speech. RanPer took the
microphone for a moment "Do to the untimely demise of Drake, I have
activated Drake v2.0 who will fill in for Drake in this election. I present
you... Drake!" RanPer said, whipping off the cloak to reveal... GARY
COLEMAN!
- - -
Regaining his composure a little Drake immediately began to grovel.
"Deity! Greetings Goddess, how may this most humble high priest serve you
today?"
"You were excommunicated."
Looking around rather nervously Drake tried to swallow the lump in his
throat. "Yes, but Goddess, it was merely a joke. I meant no offense and
was merely fulfilling the wish of a small power droid who had been abused.
I was just trying to get a cheap laugh, I'm sorry."
"You failed, it was unamusing."
"I'm sorry Goddess, but, to be honest I rarely am amusing." Drake said, on
his knees and hoping he might escape being broken apart and kicked out of
his Jedi Ghost-hood.
"I've noticed that."
"Goddess, I'll do anything to get back in your good graces. I'd love to be
your high priest again. Anything, please?" Drake begged rather
pathetically.
"No. That's not why I brought you here. You've been being a pervert and
peaking in on women's locker rooms, haven't you?"
It was here that Drake realized that it was a good thing he was already a
dead man. "Um, yes Deity, but in my defense... I'm a guy."
"So that should allow you to act like that? I don't think so. So you're
going to be punished."
"But Deity, I'm already dead. What punishment can you do now?" Drake said,
feeling stupidly emboldened by the fact he was already dead.
"Simple, I'll return you to life." The Sith War Goddess said, before waving
her hand in front of Drake and casting away from the garden and back into
life. "And we'll see how you like people peaking in on you."
- - -
"Great, we've traded a 23 year old virgin for a 34 year old one." The
Leader whispered to Ponte.
"I thought Drake got laid in a post?" Ponte whispered back, wondering if he
had to call Gary 'Dad' now.
"I doubt getting laid by a clone while you're a duck wearing a human suit
counts." The Leader said, before turning his attention back to Gary.
"Good point." Ponte said, then also resumed watching.
"How y'all doin' today? I'm the person closest to being what Drake is.
Meaning I'm the only one here who's never gotten laid. But that's beside
the point, I'm here to win this election. I'll do whatever the masses what
to make them happy. I have no firm standings other than whoring myself out
to you all to see that you're happy." Gary said, looking at the crowd.
Someone in the crowd yelled, "THAT'S AN EWOK!" Which suddenly made everyone
in the crowd angry.
Someone else yelled "THAT'S AN EWOK IN DISGUISE!" This set off the crowd
rushing the stage to capture and kill the Gary Coleman Ewok.
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout? I'm no Ewok, I just grew a beard!" Gary tried to
say, but sadly, the crowd got ahold of him... ripping him to shreds and
bouncing his bits among them like a crowd surfing Stormtrooper.
RanPer watched the horror with growing despair. "I'm so screwed."
- - -
With Gary "The Ewok" Coleman now dead everyone was waiting to see if there
were any surprise last minute additions to the election. Which, predictably
enough, happened. In a bright flash of lightning someone appeared on stage.
Instantly a hush fell across the stage and all those in the crowd and
watching at home, since the person was a tall and voluptuous redhead... who
was completely naked... and holding a chrome vibrator.
The crowd watched in awe, drooling, men and women alike transfixed by the
site. The person on stage took a moment to look at their own body and then
smile happily and walk up to the podium to speak to the crowd. "I am
Drakette, forget Sal because I'm NAKED and if elected I promise HOT LESBIAN
ACTION! (TM)" With those words the crowd broke out into applause and
chanted "DRAKETTE DRAKETTE."
The crowd immediately ran into the semi-private voting booths. Although the
men weren't exactly casting ballots, they were definitely pulling some
levers. The magnitude of that short circuited the computers that were going
to be used to count the votes, causing everyone to have to use the paper
forms. The votes were counted easily, as the soggy ballots were easily
discernable as Drakette votes. When the final tally was done, Drakette had
one by a gooey landslide.