[Sith War 2002 Election] Tilson's Acceptance Speech
cai...@newsreader.com
universe, interrupting a very special episode of "Blossom".)
LORD TILSON: Good evening, RASSM. It is with utmost appreciation that I
accept your election of me to supreme ruler of the entire RASSM system.
"What's that?" you say. "We didn't elect you!" you squawk. Ah, my
pretties, but you did. You did indeed. You did because I win. I always
win; I never, ever lose.
No matter that I haven't been participating in this Sith War --
parenthetically, I note that it can't be a terribly good one, because I
haven't been involved in it. No matter. No one says a Sith War has to be
good; it just has to have a winner. Or at least someone who doesn't lose
as badly as the other people. I fit that description to a T, which happens
to be the last initial in my name. My first initial is S. The letter S is
not the first letter of the word "lose," because I don't. It is the first
letter of the word "suck," which is something all my opponents do, by
definition. But I don't. I don't suck. I win. But there's no W in my
name anywhere. Okay, maybe the initial thing isn't really the tack I want
to take. Forget I said all that. Got it? Good.
Back to why I'm now leader of RASSM. Here's the thing: A couple of years
ago, I won the election for Sal. (Look it up on Google if you don't
remember.) Sal's term hasn't expired, and this stupid war (see above for an
explanation of why it's stupid) doesn't change that. What does change that
is that Sal hasn't been ruling since, oh, roughly two years ago. Except to
name me her Secretary of State. And you all know that when there's no Vice
President, the line of succession goes to the Speaker of the House, then
the President Pro Tempore of the Senate. RASSM has neither House nor
Senate, so skip those levels, and go straight to the next one: Secretary
of State. I'm the Secretary of State; the President has basically
abdicated; none of the other levels in the chain of succession exists; so
the Secretary of State (that's me) has already become the leader.
To repeat it for those of you who missed it: I am in charge here.
So that's two reasons. Let's recap:
1. I win.
2. I'm Secretary of State and the President is not ruling.
3. I deserve some recognition.
Oh, wait, that's three reasons, and I said two. Well, so it's three.
There, I'm right again. I win!
I can tell that some of you aren't convinced. All I can tell those of you
who remain is that if you oppose me, you will be met with a storm of
violence unlike anything you've ever witnessed. Unless you're the Jedi
Hacker. Hackboy sort of knows what I'm capable of, but not really, because
I've never really been mad at him. Okay, *once* I was really mad at him,
but I got over it. Which is, trust me, a good thing for him. But this
time, no second chances, no remorse, no respite. If you tick me off by,
say, opposing my rulership (rulerhood? rulerdom?), I will be very cross.
You have been warned.
And here's the kicker. Under my rule, things are going to be cool. With
Fatboy and Ted3K gone, and Hawkins making only rare appearances, I am the
funkiest person on this ng. Ow! Can ya dig it? Uh-HUH. Other former
candidates (I say former because since I won, they're not candidates
anymore) promised that they'd "clean up the ng." Huh? Excuse me? I just
got this ng arranged the way I wanted it, and now you think you're gonna
"clean it up"? No way I'm going to let you mess up my filing system. You
better think again. You'll have plenty of time to think again, since
you're not the ruler of RASSM. I am. I think I've made my point.
Others say they want to have more Spam. I agree, Spam is good. On that,
all I can tell you is, there'll be all the Spam you can handle and then
some. Why even promise something *I'VE* already delivered on? Can you
explain that? Huh! Ow! Fonky!
Well, it doesn't really matter anyway, because the voters have spoken, and
the voters have chosen me. That just makes victory all the sweeter,
because it's unanimous. I see that even my opponents voted for me. Cool.
Maybe I'll have mercy on you after all. Maybe. Remember, the numbers
don't matter; all the votes belong to me. (Anyone who makes an "all your
base are belong to us" reference on that last sentence gets four years in
the doghouse wearing a collar. Except Kim Le. Kim gets eight.)
As you can see, I rule benevolently, but with an iron fist. An iron fist
with spikey things all over it. There are places you wouldn't want this
spikey iron fist shoved. If you don't want it shoved in those places --
(Tilson is interrupted by Captain Winnifred, who leans into the frame to
whisper something in Tilson's ear, then disappears again. Tilson looks a
little shaken at first, but then recovers.)
I've just been informed that my speech is running long and is about to cut
into "The Facts of Life." So I'm going to stop now, because that's just
like my favorite show ever. That Jo is a real firebrand! I'd like to show
her some of the facts of life. So to recap, I win. Thanks for your
support, but I would've won without it. And so, now I bid you good --
(Tilson disappears. Theme music begins.)
You take the good, you take the bad
You take 'em both and then you have
The Facts of Life... the Facts of Life...
--------------------------
SUMMARY:
Tilson wins.
Steve Tilson
Peter Hanely
> (Lord Tilson appears on holodecks and vidscreens all over the RASSM
> universe, interrupting a very special episode of "Blossom".)
>
> LORD TILSON: Good evening, RASSM. It is with utmost appreciation that I
> accept your election of me to supreme ruler of the entire RASSM system.
>
> "What's that?" you say. "We didn't elect you!" you squawk. Ah, my
> pretties, but you did. You did indeed. You did because I win. I always
> win; I never, ever lose.
>
>
>
> Tilson wins.
>
> Steve Tilson
Hearing the pretenders rambling diatribe, R5-P1 gave orders to target
the source of the transmission. First setting the main cannon for max
power, it then reconsidered. modulate to carry a message. "Eat ion
death, SUCKER!"
summary:
- Tilson is a delusional loser.
- R5-P1 is getting increasingly eratic.
--
The Jedi Hacker
"Strike me down and I'll become more powerfull than you can imagine."
cai...@newsreader.com
> cai...@NewsReader.Com wrote:
> > (Lord Tilson appears on holodecks and vidscreens all over the RASSM
> > universe, interrupting a very special episode of "Blossom".)
> >
> > LORD TILSON: Good evening, RASSM. It is with utmost appreciation that
> > I accept your election of me to supreme ruler of the entire RASSM
> > system.
> >
> > "What's that?" you say. "We didn't elect you!" you squawk. Ah, my
> > pretties, but you did. You did indeed. You did because I win. I
> > always win; I never, ever lose.
> >
> >
> > SUMMARY:
> >
> > Tilson wins.
> >
> > Steve Tilson
>
> Hearing the pretenders rambling diatribe, R5-P1 gave orders to target
> the source of the transmission. First setting the main cannon for max
> power, it then reconsidered. modulate to carry a message. "Eat ion
> death, SUCKER!"
I think it's pretty clear, from this post, why Hackboy loses.
SUMMARY:
Trekkies have no business on RASSM.
Steve Tilson
--
-------------------- http://NewsReader.Com/ --------------------
Usenet Newsgroup Service
Peter Hanely
I think we can clearly see why I so disdain royalty around here.
Join me. Together we can create a new order.
Muuurgh
In your acceptance speech you mentioned that there was no such thing as a
RASSM Senate*stop*
I remember disctinctly when our friend Sal was running for President*stop*
She was short of what she needed to topple Geoff and because I held so many
votes in the palm of my hand, I asked to become Vice Chair Muuurgh of the
RASSM Senate in exchange for those votes*stop*
In response to this you suggested to Sal, and I quote "Do it, Sal. Don't
think, ACT." *stop*
She did, and she received my 20,602 votes *stop*
Therefore she became the official President of RASSM and I the Vice Chair of
the RASSM Senate *stop*
So here is the dilemna*stop*
I actually won the election for Sal*stop*
And according to your testimony I would in fact be the enacting ruler of
this ng because of the senate clause*stop*
Thank you Mr. Tilson*stop*
In effect, you have single-handedly handed RASSM officially into the hands
of the Porkinites*stop*
Too many hands in that last sentence*stop*
**Muuurgh pulls his spandex shorts down and walks to the podium as Tilson
re-reads his telegram**
"My first act, as the acting President of RASSM, is to name Jade, Archon of
the Porkinites, the new President of RASSM."
-Muuurgh
<cai...@NewsReader.Com> wrote in message
news:20020909170415.391$l...@newsreader.com...
Sara Waterfall
>cai...@NewsReader.Com wrote:
>> Peter Hanely <han...@nospam.calweb.com> wrote:
>>
>>>cai...@NewsReader.Com wrote:
[snip amusing stuff. by the way, Tilson, you're not usurping my power,
are you?]
>>>>SUMMARY:
>>>>
>>>>Tilson wins.
>>>>
>>>>Steve Tilson
>>>
>>>Hearing the pretenders rambling diatribe, R5-P1 gave orders to target
>>>the source of the transmission. First setting the main cannon for max
>>>power, it then reconsidered. modulate to carry a message. "Eat ion
>>>death, SUCKER!"
See, if you were cool, this would read, "Eat munchy crunchy chocolatey
cocoa death, Tilson!" Or possibly, "Enjoy a nice serving of Brown
Betty with death, but mostly eat death!"
>> I think it's pretty clear, from this post, why Hackboy loses.
>>
>> SUMMARY:
>>
>> Trekkies have no business on RASSM.
>>
>> Steve Tilson
>
>I think we can clearly see why I so disdain royalty around here.
Hardly royalty. Unless you count people with a sense of humor as
royals, which is completely wrong, because everyone knows royals don't
have a sense of humor. You wouldn't either if people forced you to
wear twenty-five pound crown jewels that throw your back out of
alignment and contract carpal tunnel syndrome with that rotating-wrist
wave.
What was I saying?
>Join me. Together we can create a new order.
Bah. Everyone should do themselves a favor and write me in for four
more years of RASSM anarchy. None of you want a ruler, so why not have
a leader that doesn't rule? I have a better track record of not-ruling
than any other candidate here. In fact, none of them have track
records. My presidency is unmatched in our newsgroup's history. With
cabinet members such as the aforementioned Tilson, Dark Rendar,
Farmboy, and Phil Kallas, RASSM will want for nothing, because we will
give you nothing! And that's what you want, isn't it?
In conclusion, vote me. I'm still the only candidate with HOT LESBIAN
ACTION(tm). How can you disagree with that?
Sal
-you can't. so there.
--
MiSTie #92866, death-bitch, and all around wonderful person.
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is sorta neat, though." - Kim Le
cshore.com enjoys getting email for lull.
Michael Ponte (Love Machine)
> Bah. Everyone should do themselves a favor and write me in for four
> more years of RASSM anarchy. None of you want a ruler, so why not have
> a leader that doesn't rule? I have a better track record of not-ruling
> than any other candidate here. In fact, none of them have track
> records. My presidency is unmatched in our newsgroup's history. With
> cabinet members such as the aforementioned Tilson, Dark Rendar,
> Farmboy, and Phil Kallas, RASSM will want for nothing, because we will
> give you nothing! And that's what you want, isn't it?
>
> In conclusion, vote me. I'm still the only candidate with HOT LESBIAN
> ACTION(tm). How can you disagree with that?
>
> Sal
> -you can't. so there.
> --
Do you really want someone as your President who would dare utter these
words:
"Look, if I've got to stuff something up my cooch, I am not going to wear
stilettos while doing it."
If elected, I SHALL wear stilettos for you! I care about RASSM!!!!!
--
Michael Ponte: The Jalapeno and Onion Bagel of Love
super...@attbi.com
Sara Waterfall
[snip]
>Do you really want someone as your President who would dare utter these
>words:
>
>"Look, if I've got to stuff something up my cooch, I am not going to wear
>stilettos while doing it."
>
>If elected, I SHALL wear stilettos for you! I care about RASSM!!!!!
The day I physically see Ponte wearing stilettos while jamming
something into his cooch is the day monkeys fly out of my ass and do
the chicken dance.
Sal
-so you're going to vote for me, right?
--
MiSTie #92866, death-bitch, and all around wonderful person.
"It can't miss, you freaks! How about: 'Who Wants to Overthrow Their
Government and Declare Zorak the Ruler?' 'Who Wants to Give Zorak a
Hundred Bucks?' 'Who Wants to Slap Space Ghost's Face?' Gimme a deal!"
- Zorak (http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/spaceghost/)
Michael Ponte (Love Machine)
"Sara Waterfall" <lu...@cshore.com> wrote in message
news:28qqnuc9jtktfaek2...@4ax.com...
> 1918, Michael Ponte (Love Machine):
>
> [snip]
>
> >Do you really want someone as your President who would dare utter these
> >words:
> >
> >"Look, if I've got to stuff something up my cooch, I am not going to wear
> >stilettos while doing it."
> >
> >If elected, I SHALL wear stilettos for you! I care about RASSM!!!!!
>
> The day I physically see Ponte wearing stilettos while jamming
> something into his cooch is the day monkeys fly out of my ass and do
> the chicken dance.
>
> Sal
> -so you're going to vote for me, right?
Why am I turned on by that.....Must be those Drake genetics...
C'Pi
>
> In conclusion, vote me. I'm still the only candidate with HOT LESBIAN
> ACTION(tm). How can you disagree with that?
>
> Sal
> -you can't. so there.
Damn it. She always gets me with the HOT LESBIAN ACTION(tm).
It's always, blah blah blah blah, nothing nothing nothing, HOT LESBIAN
ACTION(tm), and I'm hooked.
C'Pi
Smart Book
"Muuurgh" <FatBl...@Monkey.com> wrote in message
news:alj9se$1qec3j$1...@ID-104752.news.dfncis.de...
Finally some sense around here. I'm the one who faked the most votes anyway.
I won fair and square.
Jade
--
I'll fake kicking Tilson's ass now. See how he wins at that.
cai...@newsreader.com
> Hail to the king, Peter Hanely
>
> >cai...@NewsReader.Com wrote:
> >> Peter Hanely <han...@nospam.calweb.com> wrote:
> >>
> >>>cai...@NewsReader.Com wrote:
>
> [snip amusing stuff. by the way, Tilson, you're not usurping my power,
> are you?]
Er... no, mighty Deathbitch. What would make you think that? Heh heh...
please don't crush my soul.
> >>>>SUMMARY:
> >>>>
> >>>>Tilson wins.
> >>>>
> >>>>Steve Tilson
> >>>
> >>>Hearing the pretenders rambling diatribe, R5-P1 gave orders to target
> >>>the source of the transmission. First setting the main cannon for max
> >>>power, it then reconsidered. modulate to carry a message. "Eat ion
> >>>death, SUCKER!"
>
> See, if you were cool, this would read, "Eat munchy crunchy chocolatey
> cocoa death, Tilson!"
I could eat some munchy crunchy chocolatey cocoa death. I think I'd
actually enjoy that. A nice, big bowl of munchy crunchy chocolatey cocoa
death. Hey, that'd make a great breakfast cereal.
As long as it really were chocolate and not, you know, shit.
> Or possibly, "Enjoy a nice serving of Brown
> Betty with death, but mostly eat death!"
Brown Betty? Sorry, not to be prejudiced or anything, but I'm not into
interracial action.
> >> I think it's pretty clear, from this post, why Hackboy loses.
> >>
> >> SUMMARY:
> >>
> >> Trekkies have no business on RASSM.
> >>
> >> Steve Tilson
> >
> >I think we can clearly see why I so disdain royalty around here.
>
> Hardly royalty. Unless you count people with a sense of humor as
> royals, which is completely wrong, because everyone knows royals don't
> have a sense of humor. You wouldn't either if people forced you to
> wear twenty-five pound crown jewels that throw your back out of
> alignment and contract carpal tunnel syndrome with that rotating-wrist
> wave.
HA HA HA! Sal, you slay me.
No, please don't slay me.
> What was I saying?
>
> >Join me. Together we can create a new order.
>
> Bah. Everyone should do themselves a favor and write me in for four
> more years of RASSM anarchy. None of you want a ruler, so why not have
> a leader that doesn't rule? I have a better track record of not-ruling
> than any other candidate here. In fact, none of them have track
> records. My presidency is unmatched in our newsgroup's history. With
> cabinet members such as the aforementioned Tilson, Dark Rendar,
> Farmboy, and Phil Kallas, RASSM will want for nothing, because we will
> give you nothing! And that's what you want, isn't it?
>
> In conclusion, vote me. I'm still the only candidate with HOT LESBIAN
> ACTION(tm). How can you disagree with that?
>
> Sal
> -you can't. so there.
Okay, okay. If Sal is going to get back to active non-rule of the system,
I'll gladly abdicate the position I so recently (and so positively and
undisputedly) won. She's still got at least two years on her original
term, and now she has a brand new four-year term, the one I won.
HOT LESBIAN ACTION(tm) is just the frosting on the cake. I won't say
anything about licking the frosting off the beaters, because that would
just be wrong.