[Sith War 2002] You'll Be Hearing From My Lawyers
Politically Correct Star Wars Fan
in his chair doing highly inappropriate things with a Drake plush
doll, a Ponte doll and a Throng doll. It is this time, of course, when
his lowly minion Ulca enters.
"Sir, I have news of the Sith War for you." Ulca said, bowing
graciously and pointedly ignoring the fact that the Ponte doll is
mounting the Throng and that half of Drake is shoved up his ass.
Putting the dolls away, the leader of the Politically Correct Star
Wars Movement looked upon his minion. "What news is it you have for me
then?"
"Sir, no one is writing us into their stories. They all seem to think
we're idiotic newbies who will just post once and then bow out once we
realize that no one is going to write us in after one post."
"That's rather rude of them, I wonder if I could sue them for that.
I'll have my legal teams look it up later. Continue." The Leader said.
"The Jedi Hacker we'd hoped to align with has seemingly died and this
mysterious Steve has pulled himself and all things he's done out of
the war, it seems."
"Should have expected that from an old and moldy Oldbie. But it's
probably for the best that Steve is gone, it keeps from bringing back
an old character."
"Pardon me Sir?" Ulca said, not understanding.
"Oh, Steve was obviously Steve Jobs. And I know that at least one
participant already had plans to bring the being that could fight Jobs
into this Sith War. Yes, we were only posts away from Bill Gates
entering the war." The Leader said, a grim look on his face.
"Not again, no one would be stupid enough to bring him into a war
after the debacle previously." Ulca said, the idea of that dark side
creature entering the war causing him to wet himself rather obviously.
"Didn't I tell you to start wearing Depends? You better mop that up
later. Anyway, I know someone was that stupid. But with Jobs gone I'd
say it's okay for now. So, what of the others?"
"Well, to be honest, I've read the posts of the Porky's and the Poke's
and to be blunt... I have no frelling clue what's going on with them.
I think they're on the Meatball Formerly Known As Planet RASSM."
"What the hell, RASSM Planet or City or whatever they want to call it
today, is not a meatball? What happened?"
"Drake happened. He used, I believe it's called, an Infinite
Improbability Drive and it turned the planet into a meatball. It also
split him into three beings. His original duck form and two others.
And messed with his sidekicks."
"That's interesting. Continue, what of the others?"
"Well, the self-proclaimed Gamblers haven't posted since their first
post, so they may be out of it for good. Same thing with the Startled
Tusken. The Sith War Goddess is inserting herself and mucking up
others storylines as she sees fit without actually entering the war."
"That's damned rude I think. Making herself untouchable but then
reserving the right to muck up others posts. Hopefully we won't come
in conflict with her. Wait, did you leave anyone out?"
"Yes sir, I was just getting to that. Ponte and Walsh, along with
their characters and the Oldbies they'd freed have all disappeared
into a continuity loop and will remain suspended in such until they or
someone else writes them out." Ulca said, trying not to laugh.
"How'd that happened?"
"They we captured by Steve's forces, with Steve gone they're screwed
until they or someone else saves them."
"We could use that to our advantage, but later. So, for now there is
no occupying force on the RASSM Meatball?" The Leader asked,
formulating his plan.
"None sir, just disorganized people trying to figure out where to go
from here."
"Well, I was going to take the planet anyway later. Send in the troops
now, as in this post. Have them land and take over and prepare for my
arrival." The Leader said with a wicked little grin.
"Are you sure? It's this ambitious? And what about the Sith War
Goddess?"
"Well, tell our troops not to mess with the statues and other stuff
that the Goddess cares so about, but to set up shop and prepare for
there to be elections as to who the ruler of RASSM Planet should be.
But fix it so I'm running against someone that no one wants to win.
Who would no one want to win?"
"Well sir, I doubt they'd like a Porkinite in charge of the planet,
doubt they'd want Drake either, might put Steve on the ballot as a
joke."
"No no, have the ballot have me, the Archon and Drake. Next to those
two I should win by a landslide. But just incase, implant my FlaSt
Troops. But for now, take over the planet."
"Yes sir, the troops will be landing momentarily." Ulca said, before
preparing to leave.
Sitting back in his throne the Leader smiles like Mr. Burns and says
"Exxxcelent."
* * *
On Planet RASSM hundreds of briefcase shaped ships land on the
meatball. Opening up, tens of thousands of shielded men in suits step
out smiling politely. They move through the city, passing out cards to
everyone on their path to secure the planet. Those who looked at the
cards would see that they all said virtually the same thing. "Attorney
For The People For A Politically Correct Star Wars". Yes, the lawyers
had landed.
---
The Leader for the Optically Correct Star Wars Movement recaps what is
going on and sends lawyers to take over Planet RASSM.
The Leader prepares to have an election to decide who the rightful
ruler of the planet should be, he plans to run against Drake and the
Archon.
The Leader is pissed that no one has worked him into their storylines
yet, so he's forcing the issue.
Kim Le
Correct Star Wars Fan) wrote:
<snip>
>The Leader for the Optically Correct Star Wars Movement recaps what is
>going on and sends lawyers to take over Planet RASSM.
>
>The Leader prepares to have an election to decide who the rightful
>ruler of the planet should be, he plans to run against Drake and the
>Archon.
"What's this?"
"Sir, it is an order for 20 billion ballots to be passed out to the
netizens of RASSM so that they can vote for the next president."
"Didn't they do this last year?"
"As you know, the election was declared illegal after a relatively
unknown lurker won through shady means and the supporters of Sal
declared victory. Not to mention the election having little to do
with the Sith Wa--"
"Is this a Sith War thing?! 'Cause I don't do Sith Wars, you know!"
"Sir, you obviously are not aware of the edict that says anyone can
post once to the Sith War and disappear having no impact whatsoever to
the current storyline."
"When did that edict come out?"
"Just now, as a means for you to write this completely unfunny yet
relevant post."
"Okay, then. Who's on this ballot? It says the Leader, the
Archon...and Drake. This is a Drake thing, isn't it?"
"I believe the order came from the Leader's lawyers as a means for
said Leader to force his way into the Sith Wars."
"Right. Well, send this work order down to the graphic layout
designer. One ballot listing the Leader, the Archon, Drake...and Sal.
That'll piss her off."
-----
"What's this?"
"Sir, it is an order for 20 billion ballots to be passed out to the
netizens of RASSM so that they can vote for the next president."
"Don't they usually build an army and invade in some Sith War for this
thing?"
"As you know, no Sith War has been won by such a means."
"Not even the last one?"
"I, uh, actually am not sure."
"Whatever. It says the Leader, the Archon, Drake, and Sal... Hey,
where's the Porkinite representation? Do you think anyone would mind
if I add Porkins to this?"
"The odds are 5897268932 to 1 that they would."
"Excellent. Send this order down to the editor listing the Leader,
the Archon, Drake, Sal, and Porkins."
-----
"What's this?"
"Sir, it is an order--"
"I can bloody well see that, trash bucket! I'm talking about the
design! It's just a list of names and the line 'Vote for RASSM
President!' This passes for design these days! I want slogans! I
want more names! We want to make waves with this vote, not just add
another piece of spam to the RASSM Collective! Did someone threaten
to bring Bill Gates into this?"
"Sir, I believe--"
"Add his name to it! And JWK, we can't cause an uproar if we don't
mention JWK and the Nazis!"
"Sir, does that mean you want to add the Na--"
"And better put Rakelle's name on the ballot for good measure. We'll
have anvils falling from the sky each time someone votes for her!"
"But sir, she's not a god--"
"And what's a good Sith War without the ol' C'Ewok and Trory? I bet
they finally ally themselves to take out that Sal!"
"Sir, it's against the rules to incl--"
"Rules?! This is a damn Sith War! In my day, there were no rules!
Now take that order back to graphical layout and then to the press!
And tell them I want slogans! Stop wasting my time!"
-----
"That's just like an editor! Destroy me simple, elegant design with
this overabundance of unnecessary additions and substance!"
"Sir, I believe he said he wanted slogans as well."
"I can't work this way! My Vision has been compromised! I huff!"
"But...but sir, the design!"
"Send it to the local bar! Have the plebes make a run of it!"
-----
"I don't get it."
"I thought we had a ruler."
"Wasn't it a president?"
"Why should I vote for any of these?"
"Why isn't Gonk on it?"
"I think we should vote for C'Pi. We've got lots of C'Pis."
"They put Drake over Ponte. Ponte's posts are way funnier."
"JWK? The fuck is JWK?"
"He's Sifo-Dyas!"
"No shit, really?"
"Where's my blue milk? I ordered it 20 minutes ago!"
"Sifo-Dyas is probably Count Dooku--"
"He can't be Count Dooku, the Jedi already know Dooku! Moron!"
"Don't call me a moron, you're the one who still doesn't think Darth
Sidious and Palpatine are the same guy!"
"That'd be so bloody obvious! Lucas needs a 'I am your father' kind
of surprise in there somewhere!"
"What if Darth Sidious was Anakin's father?"
"That would so suck."
"I bet Sifo-Dyas is Anakin's father!"
"I bet someone on this list is Sifo-Dyas!"
"Yeah!"
-----
"Who the fuck cares who Sifo-Dyas is?!"
"Sir, we have placed this ballot through careful test screenings and
the audience agress that this question is of the utmost importance to
the RASSM public."
"But....*Porkins* as Sifo-Dyas?!"
"Test screenings have shown he is the favorite by a 5 to 4 margin."
"What's that mean, anyway? '5 to 4?'"
"I, uh, don't know. You hear it a lot at racetracks."
"I always thought that Sifo-Dyas was just Sifo-Dyas. Think they mind
if I made a last minute addition before it goes to press?"
"I really don't give a damn anymore, sir."
"Excellent!"
-----
SITH WAR 2002 BALLOT - WHO IS SIFO-DYAS?
Who is the identity behind Sifo-Dyas as not-seen-but-talked-about
character in this summers ATTACK OF THE CLONES? Please mark an X next
to only ONE name please. Only one vote per person (multiple
personalities and all). THIS MEANS YOU SUPPORTERS OF SAL WATERFALL
AND THE BALANCE POINT THREAD.
[ ] the Leader
[ ] the Archon
[ ] Drake
[ ] Sal Waterfall
[ ] Porkins
[ ] Bill Gates
[ ] JWK
[ ] the Nazis
[ ] Rakelle
[ ] C'Ewok
[ ] James Trory
[ ] Gonk
[ ] C'Pi
[ ] Michael Pontey
[ ] Count Dooku
[ ] Darth Sidious/Palpatine
[ ] Anakin's Father
[ ] Lobot
[ ] The Balance Point Thread
[ ] George Lucas
[ ] Padme
[ ] *I* am Sifo-Dyas
[ ] Sith War 2002
[ ] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU FOOLS?!
[ ] Isn't Sifo-Dyas Sifo-Dyas?
[ ] Write-In Candidate __________
This ballot has been brought to you by the Leader for the Optically
(and Politically) Correct Star Wars Movement.
-----
Summary: the Leader requests 20 billion ballots to be printed and
passed out to all the RASSM netizens so they can vote for a new
president. Squid Ink Inc. manages to screw it all up.
-- Kim Le
Darth Par-Kay
<snip>
>
> "Well, the self-proclaimed Gamblers haven't posted since their first
> post, so they may be out of it for good. Same thing with the Startled
> Tusken. The Sith War Goddess is inserting herself and mucking up
> others storylines as she sees fit without actually entering the war."
>
> "That's damned rude I think. Making herself untouchable but then
> reserving the right to muck up others posts.
Damn straight.
--
Steve
failing miserably to come up with a new sig.
Celaeno
>Summary: the Leader requests 20 billion ballots to be printed and
>passed out to all the RASSM netizens so they can vote for a new
>president. Squid Ink Inc. manages to screw it all up.
ROTFLMAO!!!
Sith War Goddess
--
"do not meddle in the affairs of goddesses, as being
struck by lightning often offends" - Rimrunner
Dimond
Now that I'm done laughing my head off...
I'd write in R2, except that R2 has more sense, so I'm gonna say... Bill Gates.
It sounds like something he'd do.
--Dimond
"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men,
women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real
small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." ~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy
Celaeno
*bows*
Just doing my job.
By the way, I am not self-proclaimed.
Sara Waterfall
[snip]
>SITH WAR 2002 BALLOT - WHO IS SIFO-DYAS?
>
>Who is the identity behind Sifo-Dyas as not-seen-but-talked-about
>character in this summers ATTACK OF THE CLONES? Please mark an X next
>to only ONE name please. Only one vote per person (multiple
>personalities and all). THIS MEANS YOU SUPPORTERS OF SAL WATERFALL
>AND THE BALANCE POINT THREAD.
I object to this disingenous stereotype of my supporters. Mainly
because Kim Le was the one who stuffed the ballot for me during the
first election without my knowledge until after the fact. And
furthermore, when I get my cabinet of evil masterminds back together,
you're all in the shit.
Sal
-by the way, I vote for me. out of principle, naturally.
--
MiSTie #92866, death-bitch, and all around wonderful person.
"Nothing says 'social conscience' like 'check out my rack.'" - Lewis
Black, the Daily Show
cshore.com enjoys getting email for lull.