[Sith Bore] Ewoks, Telephone Booths and Dr. A
Muuurgh
letters reading: 'Dr. Isaac Asimov' stood before Muuurgh. He slowly turned
the knob and entered.
"Ah, hello? Mr. A?" Muuurgh respectfully asked a seemingly empty room lined
with shelves of books, pencil drawings of contraptions and beings that
Muuurgh didn't recognize or understand, and a huge, very accurate,
replication of the RASSM system whirled overhead the desk of Dr. Asimov.
The tall backed, dark brown leather chair slowly swiveled to his guest.
"Yes?" Dr. Asimov asked while puffing on his pipe, placing a thick book down
on his desk.
"Uh, Mr. Asimov, I don't know if you remember me or not.." Muuurgh started
to explain.
"Yes. I think I remember you. Muuurgh the Togorian, right?"
Muuurgh nodded his head "Yes sir."
"You took my Quantum Mechanics class, correct?"
Muuurgh nodded again, admiring Dr. A's lambchops.
"You failed that class, did you not?" asked Asimov
"Yes sir, I did."
"If I recall correctly, you failed Advanced Electronics, Statistical
Mechanics, Semiconductor Device Microfabrication and Advanced Solid State
Physics." Dr. Asimov adjusted his glasses down his nose a little, and
searched Muuurgh sternly.
Muuurgh gulped "Uh, yes sir. But I passed Nuclear Physics." Muuurgh smiled.
Isaac frowned "Hmm... yes, barely. I wouldn't consider a 'D' passing young
man."
Muuurgh hung his head.
"What is it that you want from me today my boy." Dr. Asimov asked light
heartedly while pointing to a long black leather couch that sat on a
colorful coiled rug. "Have a seat."
Muuurgh smiled taking his place, then frowned again. "Well, I had a bad
experience..."
Muuurgh began his story of his troubles in Prague... The story wrapped all
around the city, from the odd smells of horse dung strung about the
cobblestone streets to the pickpocketing beggars who kept everyone's eyes on
their toes. The steep roof tops which seemed nearly impossible to climb to
the constant downpour of rain which helped make the visit so miserable.
"...anyhow, there I was, on my knees. I couldn't help myself, inside I was
screaming, what am I doing!? This guys a looney. But my body was under
some spell... Everyone around was in seemingly in awe of Hacker." Muuurgh's
voice started to whine.
"Hmmm... I see. That is quite disturbing, but why are you telling me this?"
asked Dr. A.
"I need your help." Muuurgh continued telling the rest of the story.
"So this 'Sith Squid', using the dark side of the force, beats Tilson, who
flattens RASSM out from its former origami frog posture and all of existence
as we know it is about to... as you put it "twinkle out"? Is that about
right?" Asimov asked.
"Yes sir." Muuurgh waited.
"Did it ever occur to you that the Squid cheated?" Dr. A asked Muuurgh.
Muuurgh shook his head, but shrugged his shoulders.
Dr A. continued "I suggest that you..."
***2 days later in some underground facility under the RASSM City
University***
Dr. A slid the face of his welding mask up over his forehead. "There!! I
think it's complete."
Muuurgh and Dr. A. took a few steps back to look over their invention.
Muuurgh walked up to the glass door and stepped inside the booth. The
interior was lined in pink fur and had pink dingleberries and blinking
Christmas lights around the roof and edges of the booth. "Bitchin'" Muuurgh
said as he started to punch the keys on the telephone.
"STOP!!" Yelled Asimov, "What are you doing? Don't touch anything!"
"But I wanted to see the day I was born." Muuurgh explained innocently.
"If you punch in the wrong number you may never find your way back again;
land in a black hole or worse yet in Hacker's bedroom when he 'discovered
himself'."
Muuurgh shrieked and dropped the handset.
"So what do we do now?" Asked Muuurgh.
"We grab the attention of those ewoks."
"But how?"
"We all know how ewoks can't resist a wild boar oyster fry. We'll throw the
greatest oyster fry party of all time, right inside RASSM City."
Muuurgh looked more confused than ever "...and?"
"And... when the ewoks show up we attach this little sucker onto the
telephone booth." Dr. A held up a small transparent microchip "We can track
the booth through all of time and space!"
"Hmmm... but what about the Squid? If she's there, she'll see her booth and
go home." Muuurgh asked his old Prof.
"I'm banking the ewoks will realize that this is a trap immediately, and as
soon as they do, they will *blip* back into history or the future...
whichever." Dr. A took another step back to look over the beautiful,
glittery booth "You know I still think it could do with less pink fur."
***3 Hours later***
Large white letters seemingly written out of clouds spelled out the
sentence:
"Dear Tilson,
She cheated."
While overturning speeders on Main Street and making his way to Rich
Handley's statue in RASSM Park, the huge green monster looked up at the
pretty writing in the sky.
"HUH?" The monster stopped ripping the bumper off a new Leguar 33,000,000
Deluxe. "TILSON? ME TILSON." The monster scratched his forehead. "TILSON
NOT LOSE??"
Suddenly the green monster began changing color, returning to his normal
beige, his muscles began to deflate like a beach ball with small holes in
it.
Tilson looked down at his midsection. The naked man grabbed a couple of
garbage can lids, covered his loins and ran down a nearby alley.
"I didn't loooooose...................................!" His voice trailed
off into the darkness.
***6 hours later***
HoloTVs everywhere were beginning to advertise the Free Wild Boar Oyster Fry
in RASSM City Square. On every technologically sound planet, of every
galaxy, the news was posted, hopefully, somewhere in the future the ewoks
would read the ancient news and decide to drop the grandest Oyster Fry of
all time, for a bite to eat.
The ads had to be BIG, BOLD and more annoying than any AOL add of the 21st
century.
***2 weeks later--The Oyster Fry***
RASSM citizens from all over the RASS system, Aliens from every galaxy, came
piling in the RASSM City Square to partake of the Grandioso Oyster Fry.
Porkinite extras were everywhere, they cooked the oysters, offered
entertainment, ran security, 'this was a well conceived plan', Muuurgh
thought to himself. Sith Warriors from many wars past had made their way to
the festivities. Muuurgh observed but paid little attention to them. Trory
and Sal were walking by together sharing a funnel cake, Drake was caressing
She'Pi's 4 fingered hand on a park bench a few 100 feet away, Jill Marie was
selling bakery at a booth nearby next to the dunking machine which held
Gumby, C'Pi and Drew. 'This was a well conceived plan."
Then it happened... *pop*
A silver phone booth appeared next to the RASSM City Fountain crushing a
porkinite extra and his cotton candy machine.
A couple of ewoks opened the door to the booth and started to follow their
noses to the oysters.
"Over there!!" Shouted a couple of porkinites, a quick chain of yells
reached Muuurghs ears. Muuurgh immediately ran towards the yells asking
"Which way? Which way?" The Porkinites pointed to where they last heard the
yells. Muuurgh saw the shiny silver box in the distance, still crammed with
ewoks trying to make their way out.
"He began yelling. It's a trap!! It's a trap!!" as he ran towards the booth.
A couple of ewoks saw the crazed looking cat running directly at them,
screaming at the top of his lungs. They huddled quickly back into the booth
and shut the door.
Muuurgh reached the booth and slapped the transparent chip on the booth
window. "I'll kill you you little freaks!!" Muuurgh started shaking the
booth with all his might. The ewoks just stared at him, making faces in the
glass.
One of the ewoks started... "Uh, guys start dialing."
Another responeded, "Why? This fool can't hurt us."
Sith Squid was seen hurdling a couple of benches, smashing over people,
spiling their drinks, knocking down defenseless baby alien children.
"HEY!!!!"
"Because, She's coming!!"
"Oh, shit." The pudgy little fingers started dialing.
*pop*
"Damn!" Sith Squid heaved as she picked herself up from the ground. "I'm
going to kill those little shits."
Muuurgh turned slowly then ran off laughing. "Muhahahahahaha."
***10 minutes later***
Muuurgh strapped on a glittering gold helmet "Okay, so where is the booth?"
Dr. Asimov looked at his PDA. He leaned over Muuurgh and touched a string
of numbers on the telephone. "I don't know, but here are the co-ordinates."
"How do I get back?" Muuurgh asked a little nervously.
"Type in '347-74638494736373-8363398793*347-6837364837364861983202972*#'
Got it?"
"No."
Dr. A pushed the # and jumped out of the box. The door slammed and the
windows filled with fog-like, black, oily, smoke. The Christmas lights
blinked hysterically. Then...
*pop*
*****somewhere, sometime unknown*****
"Hello?" Muuurgh opened the door. The glass was clear again, revealing a
rainforest, or swamp.. he couldn't quite tell. "What was that number again?"
Muuurgh asked himself. "34... something or other. Hello??"
**SUMMARY**
Muuurgh builds Time Machine with aid of Isaac Asimov.
Tilson is Tilson again...only temporarily? (Tilson I don't know for sure
what you has in mind next for your character)
Muuurgh tracks Squid's phonebooth down.
Muuurgh uses time machine, but is unsure of where he is.
-Muuurgh
Kim Le
cheated. This should have put him back on the path to winning, but
somewhere along the way he must have lost again because...
"RWAURGH! TILSON HATE GREEDO MAN SHOOT FIRST!"
Tilson was stomping through the main street, carrying a poor rodian by
the ankles. Alas, poor rodian with his delusions of grandeur, thinking
a good blaster to the side would bring down the hulking rampage that
was the very sore loser Tilsonian Steve.
As for the other lurkers of RASSM City, most were going about their
daily business, catching up on the latest movie rumors or perhaps
locked away safely at the LAN ports, getting a couple hours of
Galaxies in before bedtime. Ah yes, just a few more moments scouring
the virtual realm, and they'll have the key component for their medkit
yet.
But a rare few were humoring the whims of the Sith Warriors and were
running down the streets, daring brief glances at the Tilsonian Steve
stomping behind them, convincingly screaming in terror. Now this was
the sort of power I'm talking about. This is what being the master of
the Sith is all about.
-----
Sith Squid stood her ground against the swarm of RASSMers running the
opposite direction from where she was facing. There were cries of
"Save us!" and "Oh my gonk, the blood! The blood!" To some, they would
think that Sith Squid's defiant stance was that of a savior like a
Jedi of old. Others merely thought she was insane. No matter. This was
not a final stand against yet another terror loose upon the city. This
was a stand against something far greater.
"Hey!" the squid yelled over to Tilson, but he was busy trying to swat
some pesky ewoks away from him. "Hey you! You're father was a Hutt and
your mother... your mother was a dianoga!" she continued to taunt.
Poorly. But it had done its job, as Tilson was now looking in her
direction.
"That's right, loser," she continued. There was the ever familiar
*snap*hiss* of a lightsaber as she readied herself for attack. "I'm
not done with you yet! Nobody runs around praising Mark Millar!
Nobody! His characterization is nonexistent and his plots hit you with
the force of a two by four! Kevin J. Anderson could write a better
comic! How you utter Millar's name in the same breath as my man Brian
Michael Bend--oh crap!"
In the time it had taken Sith Squid to announce her criticism of
overrated comic book writer Mark Millar, Tilson had managed to squish
a few ewoks underneath his feet and had swatted the Squid's lightsaber
away.
"TILSON HATE ELITIST RASSMER WHO CHEAT AT CARDS!"
"How'd you know abou-- SHUT UP! I'm a freakin' Sith, moron! That's
what I'm *supposed* to do!" Sith Squid yelled, quickly backing away.
The Squid was furiously pressing the button on her Ring of Sith God
Power, but the stupid thing was only dropping anvils on people *other*
than Tilson. The good news was that the anvils were taking out
sidekicks left and right. Man, she hated sidekicks. The better news
was that in some foresty swampland, an anvil had knocked Muuurgh out
cold. But she'd have to think of something else to save herself quick,
because Tilson had bundled his hand into a fist and was looking ready
to take a swing at her.
"ROCKPAPERSCISSORS!" she suddenly yelled and held out her hand.
Tilson stopped midswing, looking very confused at the squid before
him. She was holding out two of her fingers, a look of shock on her
face that quickly turned to excitement.
"Ha! Rock beats scissors!"
The dumb lunk kept shifting his glance from Squid's scissors to his
fist, like he wasn't quite sure what was supposed to happen now.
Suddenly, he smiled and all of RASSM City let out a breath of relief
as he shrank back down to normal Tilson proportions. Again.
"Haha!" squid cried again as she did the Dance of Victory. "I tricked
Tilsonian Steve! I win!"
"RWAURGH!"
"Ah, nuts."
-- Kim Le
summary: Tilson wins. But then he loses again. Muuurgh gets knocked
out by an anvil.
ObeeKris
> Large white letters seemingly written out of clouds spelled out the
> sentence:
> "Dear Tilson,
> She cheated."
> While overturning speeders on Main Street and making his way to Rich
> Handley's statue in RASSM Park, the huge green monster looked up at the
> pretty writing in the sky.
> "HUH?" The monster stopped ripping the bumper off a new Leguar 33,000,000
> Deluxe. "TILSON? ME TILSON." The monster scratched his forehead. "TILSON
> NOT LOSE??"
> Suddenly the green monster began changing color, returning to his normal
> beige, his muscles began to deflate like a beach ball with small holes in
> it.
> Tilson looked down at his midsection. The naked man grabbed a couple of
> garbage can lids, covered his loins and ran down a nearby alley.
> "I didn't loooooose...................................!" His voice trailed
> off into the darkness.
Damn. I didn't even see your post before I did mine.
ObeeKris
Steve...@rightbehindyou.com
> "If you punch in the wrong number you may never find your way back again;
> land in a black hole or worse yet in Hacker's bedroom when he 'discovered
> himself'."
Excellent.
(The rest was good too, of course... but this was the best line.)
Steve Tilson
--
"How many more, Harry?" said Dumbledore, eyes puddling with tears. "How
many more have to be buried before your thirst for vengeance is satisfied?"
- www.pointlesswasteoftime.com
Steve...@rightbehindyou.com
> Tilson had won. Then he lost. Then he found out Sith Squid had
> cheated. This should have put him back on the path to winning, but
> somewhere along the way he must have lost again because...
>
> "RWAURGH! TILSON HATE GREEDO MAN SHOOT FIRST!"
Get out of my head.
> "That's right, loser," she continued. There was the ever familiar
> *snap*hiss* of a lightsaber as she readied herself for attack. "I'm
> not done with you yet! Nobody runs around praising Mark Millar!
> Nobody! His characterization is nonexistent and his plots hit you with
> the force of a two by four! Kevin J. Anderson could write a better
> comic! How you utter Millar's name in the same breath as my man Brian
> Michael Bend--oh crap!"
I'd be the last to say Millar is as good as Bendis, but he's better than
KJA any day of the week.
Picked up Ultimates Six last night. Good stuff. I keep meaning to start
Alias. I remember looking over some of Bendis's Spider-Man stuff but
taking a pass on it because of the art.