[Sith War 2002] Quacking Up.
Drake
This is set before, during, and after the Porn Star exploded.
Drake waddled onto the screen with a piece of paper in front of him.
"Before I can begin this part of the Sith War, I was asked by GDABAWFP (Gay
Droids Against Being Associated With Fat Perverts) to read the following
statement: I, Drake, am not now nor have ever been what Ponte claimed in
his post. As GDABAWFP asked, I shall fully admit to being a heterosexual
duck. My person should in no way be linked to GDABAWFP as it would only
sully the image of this fine organization which is working so hard to shed
light on the misconceptions people have about homosexual droids. Through
the great work of droids like R2D2, C3PO and LN-DGNRS the world has learned
that gay droids are just like everyone else. And as such, they do not wish
to be associated with me in any way. Thank you."
Drake waddles back off screen and we continue with this part of the Sith
War.
~
Drake sat comfortably on the command chair and looked and RanPer. "RanPer,
steal everything in Ponte's room and load it into my truck and go get it
warmed up. I want to get out of here before he destroys the Mega Big Boy
and expects me to rip up the contract."
"Sure thing boss. But you're not going to honor the deal you made with
Ponte?" RanPer said, worrying that the now massive Ponte would get pissed
and fall on someone.
"Of course not. Sheesh, if I let all my kids out of contracts when they
blackmailed me I'd have no kids at all. Besides, he's blaming me for him
turning fat and gay. All my pervo DNA does is strengthen the persons
pre-existing perversion. There is a small transition period in which they
balloon up and act out of character, but it passes and then they grow
stronger in the Perverted Side Of The Force." Drake said, lecturing between
biting feathers.
"Ah, okay Sir. I'm going to get the truck started and make sure Ozzy is
okay." RanPer said, wanting to get someplace safe. Which was a good idea
because shortly after he left the ship came under attack.
"What the hell is going on now, that damn Big Boy again?" Drake asked the
room at large. It didn't answer, but one of the others did.
"We're being attacked by... G-Wings sir. It seems they've found a weakness
in our MS shielding..." Said the person as the ship was rocked from side to
side.
"Dammit, I knew I should have upgraded to XP faster. Sound the abandon ship
order, I'm going down to my ship and getting the hell outta here in a
Dodge." Drake said, flapping away... That's when the ship broke into three
pieces, with his plummeting to RASSM City and he totally cut off from his
escape route.
"Crap, and I never even got to pull the morphy thing to turn the Porn Star
into a giant Pokeball." Drake said as he crashed into the Mega Big Boy.
~
On one of the other pieces of the now destroyed Porn Star, RanPer sat in the
drivers seat of the '98 Dodge Ram Quad Cab that Drake had arrived in.
Feeling woefully inadequate, but knowing he had to at least try to save
Drake if he wanted to survive a bit longer, RanPer turned the key and took
off toward the very odd RASSM City with Ozzy, the animals and Ponte's
personal items (including a rather queer collection of Steve McQueen
memorabilia) in the backseat.
~
After almost being killed by RASSMer's of the past for reasons Drake had no
clue about and then being held hostage by RASSM City's people, Drake was
starting to get ticked. It was then that Time Froze, but that was in
another post, so we'll pick up after that.
Drake looked at the RASSM oldies who were coming back awake after Ponte
stunned them. Recognizing one of them Drake waddled over. "JamesG, dude,
ain't seen you in ages. How you been?"
"You should know how I've been, you've had us all held prisoner for the
last, well, long time." JamesG said, glaring at Drake.
"Huh? I've not held anyone prisoner. What makes you think it was me?"
Drake said, quacking oddly wondering who was setting him up now.
"The Crumb guy said it was you before his head exploded. Don't try and deny
it."
"It wasn't me. Let me put it like this. Were you strip searched? Were you
forced into communual showers and encouraged to drop the soap and the women
to fondle each other? Did any of this happen?" Drake asked, returning a
glare.
"Well no. Hell, guess it wasn't you." JamesG said, since Drake was well
known for his pervertedness.
"Exactly, so I'm being set up. My money's on Ponte for the set-up." Drake
said, smiling to himself before waddling back to Ponte who had been out of
earshot for the covnersation.
"When is this contract null dammit, I want to walk again." Ponte said
floating in the air and licking his lips while looking at the RASSM City
Citizens herding them someplace.
"It isn't becoming null. Oh, hey Sean. Why aren't you in drag?" Drake
said, after he noticed Sean also being held captive as well as some other
people Drake didn't recognize.
"Because I'm not like that, it was this sicko Ponte doing what you wanted
that made me wear that. I'll get even with you both too." Sean said, just
a wee bit upset.
"Hey, I'd just suggested you be in drag as a joke. It was Ponte who made
you do it." Drake said, shrugging off the blame.
"Dammit Drake, it was you. Don't blame me." Ponte whined above the sound
of his hoverthings keeping himself afloat.
"Yeah, whatever. Oh, who are you?" Drake said to the guys with Sean who
weren't RASSMer's.
"Well, I'm Adm..." The one guy started to say.
"It doesn't matter what your name is." Drake said, doing his best Rock
impersonation. "I always wanted to do that. But anyway, I'll do something
nice for y'all in a minute since I see my ride is here." Drake said, taking
flight by flapping his wings and surprising everyone that a man that large
turned into a small duck could fly. Ponte then noticed that Drake was
flying to his truck which was driving toward him.
Unfortunately, RanPer wasn't used to driving the truck and Drake hit the
windshield and bounced into the bed of the truck cursing. Getting up and
climbing through the back window Drake took over driving. "Are we getting
out of here boss?" RanPer asked, scooting to the passenger side.
"Not yet, I need to do something back near what the Mega Big Boy was before
I save Ponte and run out." Noticing a blinking on his dashboard Drake let
out a string of quacking curses. "Quacking hell, someone's altered the Sith
War archives and are looking for the records to Sith War IV. I've got to
stop them. After this, damn Ponte. That's it, after I save Sith War IV I'm
totally going to be the bad guy in this war."
With that Drake went back and parked at the base of the wreckage.
~
Five minutes after he'd parked, Drake took off again in the truck finding
where the people were herding Ponte and the other RASSM'ers. Arming his
weapons he strafed the people causing them to flee and freeing the captives.
Sticking his head out the window Drake yelled to Ponte "You're on your own
now son, but you're still part of the family. Have fun, and feel free to
adopt Sean. And don't blame me for you doing a dude."
With that, Drake shot up into orbit and waited a second. RanPer, wondering
what was going on, looked at Drake. "Sir, won't they just come after us in
that Ford Mustang?"
"They would, but I dislike Ford's. Do you know what's just as hard to get
out of your gas tank as sugar?" Drake said, smiling.
"No sir." RanPer asked uneasily, since Drake is known to be insane.
"Tampons." Drake said, tossing an empty box of Tampax into the back seat
and upsetting the shaved beavers. "I don't even want to know why Ponte had
some in his stuff either, but I figure with that sabotaged we got time to
make an IID jump."
"A what?" RanPer said, looking even more nervous.
"Infinite Improbability Drive. I figure I'll screw the whole RASSM Planet
over this time." Drake said, flipping some buttons to get it ready.
"Besides, I need to get to Sith War IV before this Steve dude. He's got a
head start, this is the ultimate equalizer... despite the side effects."
"Side-effects?" RanPer said, soiling the seat.
"You'll see." Drake said, hitting the button and sending everything into
Chaos.
~
When the button was pushed, everything on the RASSM Planet changed. The
world itself became a giant meatball, all house and buildings became
parmesan cheese. With the exception of Deity protected statues and such,
the entire world had become food. Which was much to the delight of the now
Portly Ponte.
Meanwhile, someplace else entirely, the red truck appeared from nowhere and
was completely intact. On the inside, however, things were very different.
RanPer has been merged with the ferrets in the truck, Ozzy had been healed
and merged with the badgers, the shaven beavers had merged into one large
and now intelligent lifeform, the gerbils had become Steve McQueen like
soldiers loyal to Drake... and as for Drake. Where there was a Drake in
duck form now sat one Drake in duck form, one human Drake in a dark robe and
solemn nature and another human Drake in a multicolored jacket and a
slightly insane smile.
Basically, in the case of Drake's plans for the Sith War, the Sith had done
hit the fan.
---
Summary:
Ponte's stuff is in Drake's possession.
Drake escaped the RASSM Citizens and made it clear he hadn't imprisoned the
RASSMer's.
Ponte and the others were freed by Drake after Drake sabotaged their ride,
stranding them on the planet.
The IID turned RASSM Planet (except for things that would anger the Deity)
into a giant meatball with cheese.
Drake split into three while trying to save Sith War IV, Ozzy is now part
badger, RanPer is now part ferret, the shaven beavers have merged into an
intelligent being and the assassin gerbils are now loyal to Drake and act
like Steve McQueen.
Drake
I just love being odd. And no, I ain't gotten good yet.
Michael Ponte (Love Machine)
> off toward the very odd RASSM City with Ozzy, the animals and Ponte's
> personal items (including a rather queer collection of Steve McQueen
> memorabilia) in the backseat.
How did you know about my Steve McQueen Collection?!!!
--
Michael Ponte: The Love Machine
super...@attbi.com
President of the International Society of Gold Leader Enthusiasts (ISGLE)
Veteran of Celebration I and II
"Only about 10 percent of movies made every year are any good. Ninety
percent are just plain shit. And today it seems we're standing in the middle
of the shit." - George Lucas
Visit Quantum Piett: http://www.geocities.com/quantumpiett/
And Ponte Central: http://www.geocities.com/pontecentral/
Drake
Michael Ponte (Steve McQueen's Bitch) wrote:
> RanPer turned the key and took
> > off toward the very odd RASSM City with Ozzy, the animals and Ponte's
> > personal items (including a rather queer collection of Steve McQueen
> > memorabilia) in the backseat.
>
> How did you know about my Steve McQueen Collection?!!!
>
> --
> Michael Ponte: The Love Machine
> super...@attbi.com
>
Simple, I looked. Duh. ;) Hey, I only mentioned the Steve McQueen stuff,
I could have mentioned the rather large collection of tapes you have of Sean
from hidden cameras. I mean, being wary of betrayal is one thing, but it's
like you have _other_ interests going on there. But I'm not one to start
rumors, just perpetuate them.
Some things are just wrong.
Drake
I won't even ask about your odd collection of Tiny Tim records and pictures.
Michael Ponte (Love Machine)
news:ui3fucm...@corp.supernews.com...
Good God! You HAVE been snooping through my things!!!
--
Michael Ponte: The Love Machine
super...@attbi.com
I'm glad you didn't mention my Fraggle Rock Fetish....Ooooooh, Trash
Heap....yeah....
Drake
Of course I have. You shouldn't have left it on the ship. And what's the
deal with these returned letters from Marvel comics about you trying to get
"The Incredible Hulk" into a nude jump rope issue like they did with
"She-Hulk"?
>
> --
> Michael Ponte: The Love Machine
> super...@attbi.com
>
> I'm glad you didn't mention my Fraggle Rock Fetish....Ooooooh, Trash
> Heap....yeah....
>
I was being polite about the Fraggles, that's just wrong. And should I even
bring up the rather explicit placement of Cabbage Patch and Garbage Pail
dolls? And I won't even bring up what you've got those My Little Ponies
doing to Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake. I think that's illegal
almost all over the world.
Drake
I think the worst thing I saw was a membership card for the
Scooby-Doo/Daphne 'shipper card. That blasted catchphrase of "Sometimes
Scooby wants s**tch instead of snacks." was just wrong. So very wrong. ;)
Celaeno
>When the button was pushed, everything on the RASSM Planet changed. The
>world itself became a giant meatball, all house and buildings became
>parmesan cheese. With the exception of Deity protected statues and such,
>the entire world had become food. Which was much to the delight of the now
>Portly Ponte.
Safe in her garden, the Goddess raises one disembodied eyebrow, but
decides to wait this development out. After all, even if the planet
should be devoured by Porkinites or something like that, she can
always replace it later.
Sith War Goddess
--
"do not meddle in the affairs of goddesses, as being
struck by lightning often offends" - Rimrunner