HEY!!! People are being paid to annoy you!
James Kibo Parry
...and no, I don't mean door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen. Those vanished
a few decades ago when people forgot how to read any book with a roman numeral
on the spine. I'm referring to people who walk up to you in public and just
start giving you sales pitches, anywhere, anytime, possibly even in the
men's restroom. Even if you're a woman.
From now on, there will be no difference between "a commercial" and
"an obnoxious jerk". You'll be spammed in 3-D, at point-blank range!
This development is so horrifying it will prompt me to use lots of
SARCASM IN ALL CAPS. <-- THIS IS IN ALL CAPS <-- EVERYTHING I MENTION
IN THIS ARTICLE IS STUPID
From the Wall Street Journal's Web site:
->
-> Sony Ericsson Campaign Uses Actors
-> To Push Camera-Phone in Real Life
->
-> By SUZANNE VRANICA
-> Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
->
-> In a campaign set to start Thursday, the U.S. arm of Sony
-> Ericsson Mobile Communications Ltd. will take "guerrilla"
-> marketing to a new level. Its goal: to get consumers to pay
-> attention to the new T68i, a mobile phone that can double as a
-> digital camera.
->
-> In one initiative, dubbed Fake Tourist, 60 trained actors and
-> actresses will haunt tourist attractions such as the Empire State
-> Building in New York and the Space Needle in Seattle. Working in
-> teams of two or three and behaving as if they were actual
-> tourists, the actors and actresses will ask unsuspecting
-> passersby to take their pictures.
->
-> Presto: instant product demonstrations.
You know, if this product was any good, they could just GIVE sixty
of these phones to sixty people who like digital camera, and they'd
USE them to take pictures, and it would accomplish the same thing,
except they wouldn't have to hire LIARS.
Two years ago, if you took out your camera in public, and it had
a video screen on the back, and computery lettering on the screen,
and "DIGITAL CAMERA" was printed on the front, people would come
running up to you and ask breathlessly, "Is that a (gasp) DIGITAL camera?"
Now, you'll be strolling down the street and people with fake haircuts
wearing fake suits with fake ties (that look like clip-ons but are
really just ties tied on by marketing assistants) will come running
up to you yelling "LOOK AT THIS DIGITAL CAMERA! LOOK AT THIS DIGITAL
CAMERA! LOOK AT THIS DIGITAL CAMERA!"
I wonder if they'll shut up if you promise to give them money,
like one of those annoying PBS pledge drives. On second thought,
PBS pledge drives aren't all that annoying because they just
interrupt reruns of "The Red Green Show" while the Sony shills
will interrupt *Y*O*U*!* <-- LOOK AT THESE ASTERISKS! I MADE THEM
WITH MY NEW SONY DIGITAL CAMERA! LOOK! LOOK!
-> A second stunt will involve the use of "leaners" -- 60 actresses
-> and female models with extensive training in the phone's features
-> who will frequent trendy lounges and bars without telling the
-> establishments what they're up to. The women are getting scripted
-> scenarios designed to help them engage strangers in conversation.
Yeah, otherwise men just won't talk to fashion models hanging out by
themselves in bars.
Also they all have to be female because only heterosexual men and
lesbians buy phones with cameras in them.
-> One involves having an actress's phone ring while she's in the
-> bar -- and having the caller's picture pop up on the screen.
...and that's a feature that I'd pay an extra thousand dollars NOT to have!
-> In another scenario, two women sit at opposite ends of the bar
-> playing an interactive version of the Battleship game on their
-> phones.
HOLY COW! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART! IF I BOUGHT ONE OF THESE SONY
PHONES I COULD GO TO A TRENDY SINGLES BAR AND PLAY BATTLESHIP INSTEAD
OF HAVING TO TALK TO PEOPLE! OH BOY OH BOY IT'S NOT EVEN REGULAR
BATTLESHIP, IT'S *INTERACTIVE* BATTLESHIP! I BET NEXT YEAR THEY'LL
HAVE PARCHEESI TOO!
-> So far, so good.
"And THIS button 'corrects' the spelling from 'l-a-m-e' to 'g-o-o-d'!"
-> But do the actors then identify themselves as working on behalf
-> of Sony Ericsson? Not if they can help it.
Hell no. If I were hanging out in a bar or nightclub, would I say
I was a total loser paid to pretend to be interested in people there?
That job's just as humiliating as wearing the big foam-rubber Goofy
costume at Disneyland except without the thick layer of foam rubber
to keep people from seeing your tortured facial expression.
-> The idea is to have onlookers think they've stumbled onto a hot new
-> product.
Well, it works for those people with the "ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN"
bumper stickers. Now dozens of people across the country have been fooled
into thinking that those grandchildren are totally awesome!
-> Sony Ericsson, which plans to spend $5 million on the 60-day marketing
-> campaign, says it's all in good fun
(The kind of fun that costs $5,000,000 just to reach about a tenth of a
percent as many people as a single late-night TV commercial)
-> and just an effort to get people talking.
Yeah, but only drunk ones. "Yesh, I'll look at your tefelone some
more if you just buy me another teeny-weeny drinky-poo." Then the word
"HIC!" appears above their head in a big asterisk, and they're wearing
a lampshade and holding a jug marked "XXX".
(Note: "XXX" on a jug means booze, "XXX" on a sack means flower,
and "XXX" on a videotape means it costs three times as much as
a movie with an actual plot.)
-> Consumer activists, though, aren't amused. "It's deceptive," says
-> Gary Ruskin, executive director of Commercial Alert, a nonprofit
-> organization founded by consumer activist Ralph Nader, when told
-> about the campaign. "People will be fooled into thinking this is
-> honest buzz."
NO, REALLY? YOU MEAN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER PEOPLE WILL PRETEND
TO LIKE A PRODUCT? THEY'D NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DO THAT IN TV COMMERCIALS!
-> Even marketing executives disapprove. "It is reprehensible and
-> desperate," says Paul MacFarlane, co-owner of the Experiment, a
-> small ad firm in St. Louis, that has done work for Southwestern
-> Bell and Anheuser-Busch. "They are trying to fabricate something
-> that should be natural."
And that's not something Anheuser-Busch would do. Nope, they'd never
fabricate something that should be natural, especially because they're
busy in that big chemical factory where they mix solvents to create
a substance that can pass for beer.
-> Sony Ericsson responds that most consumers won't be offended.
-> "How many times do people that you don't know come up to you and
-> talk to you?" asks Jon Maron, director of marketing
-> communications at Sony Ericsson, which is a joint venture of
-> Telefon AB L.M. Ericsson of Sweden and Sony Corp. of Japan.
Yes, indeed! This ad campaign will be no more annoying than those
random insane people who talk to you against your will on the bus!
If you love hearing about some filthy guy's collection of caterpillars,
you'll love it even more when this is done by paid professionals!
-> "It's very natural, especially in a club or restaurant." He adds
-> that the actors will confess that they work for the company if
-> they are asked directly.
->
-> Peter Groome, president of Omnicom Group Inc.'s Fathom
-> Communications, the marketing firm that created the plan, also
-> defends the tactics. He insists that the campaign isn't
-> "undercover" selling because the actors will simply demonstrate
-> the product, not give a sales pitch.
And demonstrating the product is important to reach those people
who have never seen a phone or camera before. Of course, those
people would be so stupid it wouldn't matter that it's not a sales
pitch. "WOW! IT'S LIKE THE TOY PHONE MY KIDS GAVE ME FOR MY
BIRTHDAY BUT YOU CAN TALK INTO IT! I'LL BUY FIVE! HERE'S A BLANK
CHECK! CAN I GET THE FIVE PHONES PERSONALIZED WITH LASER-ENGRAVING?
HAVE THEM ALL PERSONALIZED TO 'I. R. STUPID'! P.S.: DUH!"
-> Still, the company has gone to great lengths to train its actors
-> to avoid detection. "If you put them in a Sony Ericsson shirt,
-> then people are going to be less likely to listen to them in a
-> bar," Mr. Groome says.
I will not listen to them in a bar,
I will not listen to them in a car.
I will not listen at the mall,
I will not listen in the fall.
MARVIN K. SONY WILL YOU PLEASE GO NOW!
-> Other components of the promotional campaign are more commonly
-> used buzz initiatives. One involves "Phone Finds," in which the
-> company will place dummy phones around cities so that consumers
-> can accidentally stumble on them.
"WOW! I FOUND A GENIUNE SONY PHONE! OH WAIT IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT'S EITHER UNUSABLY BROKEN OR JUST A STUPID TOY. WELL, I WAS GOING
TO BUY SOME SONY PRODUCTS, BUT AFTER FINDING THIS SHODDY BROKEN
PHONE AND/OR TOY FOR BABIES, I THINK I BETTER BUY ANOTHER BRAND!"
You see, Sony, your idea is so bad that it's going to make people
say they dislike you in all caps. That'll make it easy for people
at the other end of the bar to hear them, even over the noise of
the "Interactive Battleship" game.
"YOU SUNK MY TINY DOT!"
-> The screen on the phone will direct the finders to a special Web site,
-> where they will be able to enter a contest to win a free phone.
Or they could just go to the mall where at least seven companies would
give them a free phone when they sign up for the dial tone service
that's required to use a phone of any sort.
Tell you what, Sony. You can give me a free phone as long as I can
give you this free albino koala bear which you have to feed special
white eucalyptus cough drops all day, and you can only buy them from
me, and you can only buy them a year in advance. Oh, and I'll need
to see both sides of your credit card. Then you get your *F*R*E*E*
beige koala.
-> The new phone with camera attachment, priced between $300 and $400,
-> will hit stores next week.
...hopefully by then they'll have figured out a more specific price.
Perhaps even to the nearest dollar. Without GOING OVER. Sony,
COME ON DOWN! PICK A PRICE and SHUT UP!
-> Less covert buzz marketing strategies have been around for years,
-> but their use surged during the dot-com boom. Many companies that
-> couldn't afford expensive TV ads hired young marketing firms to
-> convey their messages in attention-getting ways.
->
-> As concepts became more elaborate and intrusive, they began to be
-> referred to as guerrilla marketing or stealth marketing.
But not "the kind of marketing that actually sells stuff."
-> [...]
->
-> But there are limits. Veteran marketers warn that advertisers who
-> are trying to generate positive word-of-mouth about a brand or a
-> new product will do better in the long run if they are honest
-> with consumers.
->
-> David Lubars, president and executive creative director at
-> Publicis Groupe SA's Fallon Worldwide, says promotional campaigns
-> that are perceived as dishonest could backfire. "If the consumer
-> finds out after the encounter, they are going to be mad," he says.
So, Sony should set up a hotline that consumers could call to complain.
It could even be reachable from a special button on the $300-to-$400
phone. In fact, it would ONLY be reachable that way. "HEY EVERYONE!
SONY HERE! WE SUCK! BUY OUR PHONE SO YOU CAN TELL US THAT!"
-- K.
I could ruin this for Sony so
easily. I have lots of Sony stuff
I could carry to bars and tell
people about. "And see this
Sony brand microwave oven?
It has a special tracking technology
that constantly aims a beam of
microwave radiation at your eyes!
And you know you can trust me
to tell you the truth about these
sinister Sony products because
I DON'T WORK FOR SONY! Here,
look at my professionally-printed
Sony I.D. card that says I DON'T
WORK FOR SONY! Now smile while
I take your photo with this Sony
camera that automatically undresses
you and gives you a sex change!
Here, have a T-shirt with Sony's
new corporate logo, Naked Hitler!
And remember, I DON'T WORK FOR SONY,
and I know you'll believe that
because Sony says you're stupid!"
Then I'd had them a card which
said "Sony says: YOU'RE STUPID!",
possibly in a speech balloon
coming out of Naked Hitler's butt.
Oh, and I'd wear a plastic flower
in my lapel which would squirt
them with blue dye, Sony's official
and indelible corporate color.
Then I'd yell "HA HA I FOOLED YOU
I REALLY DO WORK FOR SONY!" and
pinch their eardrums with ice tongs.
That would get the message out about
Sony being evil even more effectively
than Sony itself could.
P.S. I'm sure Ericsson is evil too. And I'm sure Sony Ericsson combines
two different kinds of evil (the Swedish kind and the Japanese kind)
into a whole new level of evil. If you don't believe me, here's a quote
from www.sonyericsson.com:
=> Step into the world of mobile entertainment and discover music,
=> sounds and cool branded games...in full color.
"branded games". Know what that means? The phones don't play
tiny little Battleship, they play an imitation Battleship named
"Cheerios Presents Sink The Cheerios Game". They don't play Parcheesi,
they play "Kraftcheesi". And they don't play tic-tac-toe, they play
"Tic-Tac". Worst of all, these games, on a tiny beepy phone screen,
won't even be up to the level of quality of Atari cartridge advertisements
from 1982, such as "Chase The Chuckwagon", "Kool-Aid Man", and "Coke Wins".
These kids today. We need to get them back to playing old-fashioned
games, back from when games were intellectually-stimulating, like conkers
and Indian leg wrestling.
Disclaimer: I own a lot of Sony
equipment. However, I don't think
anyone else should ever buy any,
because I want to be the only one
allowed to have all this
AWESOME SONY STUFF. SONY ROCKS!
Glenn Knickerbocker
wrote:
>SARCASM IN ALL CAPS. <-- THIS IS IN ALL CAPS <-- EVERYTHING I MENTION
>IN THIS ARTICLE IS STUPID
>-> By SUZANNE VRANICA
>-> Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
You should just STOP MAKING FUN of RESPECTED JOURNALISTS and PUBLICATIONS
right now, YOUNG MAN!
"And it is that word 'hummy,' my darlings, that marks the first place in
ŹR -+- 'The House At Pooh Corner' at which Tonstant Weader Fwowed up."
http://www.bestweb.net/~notr/dreams.poems.html -++- --Dorothy Parker
Gregory King
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) <ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
Parry)> wrote:
> -> A second stunt will involve the use of "leaners" -- 60 actresses
> -> and female models with extensive training in the phone's features
> -> who will frequent trendy lounges and bars without telling the
> -> establishments what they're up to. The women are getting scripted
> -> scenarios designed to help them engage strangers in conversation.
>
> Yeah, otherwise men just won't talk to fashion models hanging out by
> themselves in bars.
Wait, so if I go to a trendy bar, hot girls will come over and talk to
me, and all I have to do is tolerate a sales pitch? Awesome! I bet I'd
be right in their target demographic, too. Their instructions must
include something like "keep an eye out for nerdy guys who are sitting
alone in the corner avoiding eye contact with anyone" because we're the
kind of guys who buy dumb electronic stuff, especially when a hot girl
tells us to.
Oh, wait, the trendiest bar in my town is the one at T.G.I.Friday's.
Their "leaners" are probably just annoying guys who try to sell you
"Goldmember" branded merchandise.
> (Note: "XXX" on a jug means booze, "XXX" on a sack means flower,
> and "XXX" on a videotape means it costs three times as much as
> a movie with an actual plot.)
Except now it might mean it costs the same as a real movie, but with
extra Vin Diesel and explosions, and about the same amount of plot as
those other "XXX" movies. I can't wait until the sequel, "XXXII", comes
out.
Anyway, I think that if anyone ever tries to use one of these real-life
commercials on me, I will just ask to hold the phone and then
accidentally smash it against the floor. In fact, I will do this if
anyone ever mentions a brand when describing a product they own.
"Check out my new Jetta" => Smash windshield with baseball bat
"These new Dockers are pretty comfy" => Set pants on fire
"I GOT A MAC" => Throw off a roof like the one time Bill "I live in
Seattle so I luv Microsoft" Nye the Science Guy was throwing stuff off a
roof to demonstrate gravity and he threw a computer off the roof and the
computer made one of those recognizable Mac sounds when it hit the
pavement and disintegrated
--
Greg
http://flyingpawn.com
Mercutio Jones
"James "Kibo" Parry" <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in message
news:kibo-02080...@ppp0b149.std.com...
> Worst of all, these games, on a tiny beepy phone screen,
> won't even be up to the level of quality of Atari cartridge advertisements
> from 1982, such as "Chase The Chuckwagon", "Kool-Aid Man", and "Coke
Wins".
Or the all-time great "Kotex Launchpad" game where you shoot tampons at
angry, PMS-addled women to keep them from attacking you and scratching your
eyes out.
--
**************************
Mercutio Jones
ICQ# 26667824 Wobbly # X354183
**************************
-----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =-----
http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----== Over 80,000 Newsgroups - 16 Different Servers! =-----
Roblimo
> of these phones to sixty people who like digital camera, and they'd
> USE them to take pictures, and it would accomplish the same thing,
> except they wouldn't have to hire LIARS.
Or if the product was so damn good they'd send *me* one, I'd review
it, and the review would be read by 20,000 to 50,000 people.
- Robin "Roblimo" Miller
Editor in Chief, OSDN
(Linux.com, Slashdot,
freshmeat, and other
Open Source Web sites)
Brian 'Jarai' Chase
-jarai.
In article <6e12ca21.02080...@posting.google.com>,
--
--- Brian Chase | b...@world.std.com | http://world.std.com/~bdc/ -----
"Captain, we're experiencing a high rate of packet collisions!" -- K.
Eddie '/Hi There!'/ Lowther
> Very soon, you will encounter people who are paid to bother you in person.
>
> ...and no, I don't mean door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen. Those vanished
I have no yoke heer, yet must point out that non-Kibological sects of
Christain-type religions have been an^H^H getting the GOOD word OUT
just this way for at least 2000 years, probably more.
This fella came up to me, ME! as I was reading a book. This was
in a public place, so statutarily-wise, I can't sue for that
"Annoying Hasseling Over the Top" thing, like you can do if they
do it uninvited in your house. I am still
peeved at how I totally forgot to make wise-ass comments in favor
of Kibo.
Instead, I said "hello" at the beginning of spiel, and "Have a nice
day" when he finished blithering.
Not a clue what was in the middle. Treated it as TV commercial, and
used the mental 'mute' button.)!_! Pretty sure he hemmed and hawed and
said vaguely Jesoid and End Days Is Coming things. But I couldn't bew
too sure of that.
Ahr. Also forgot "I'm a Church of The Blessed Captain Red-Beard Pike"
countermove. Avast.
Hum ho.
E"HT"L.
--
alt.alt.psycho.mtl 00
"Same here, I have a friend who's SO pilates gung ho, she's really religious
christian wise and can't stand the new age=ness of yoga, but says it's LIKE
yoga in a sense without all their 'spirit beliefs' and she's lost a lot of
weight"
Bill N1VUX
> Or if the product was so damn good they'd send *me* one, I'd review
> it, and the review would be read by 20,000 to 50,000 people.
Roblimo replied on ARK, but The Register had true class ... they posted it on
their front page. (I'll bet they get a freebie to review first too, since
they're not whining, they're being funny.)
Guerilla phone marketing draws wrath of Kibo
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/26513.html
(CmdrTaco did mention Kibo in his Tragedy of the Commons rant, though.
http://slashdot.org/search.pl?query=kibo )
-- wdr aka n1vux
Bill N1VUX
Brian 'Jarai' Chase wrote:
> (Score: -1, Whining)
I used Sigs when sigs were cool.
STILL deleting spam at world!w...@uu.net after all these years ...
Carlos Froggy
James "Kibo" Parry cost the web hundreds if not thousands of dollars:
: Very soon, you will encounter people who are paid to bother you in person.
Which is more personal than when you encounter people who are paid to
pay other people to bother you.
: From now on, there will be no difference between "a commercial" and
: "an obnoxious jerk".
Yay, I can now silence jerks with my remote!
Technology FINALLY shows that it is worth while!
[...]
: From the Wall Street Journal's Web site:
[...]
: -> In a campaign set to start Thursday, the U.S. arm of Sony
: -> Ericsson Mobile Communications Ltd. will take "guerrilla"
: -> marketing to a new level. Its goal: to get consumers to pay
: -> attention to the new T68i, a mobile phone that can double as a
: -> digital camera.
: ->
: -> In one initiative, dubbed Fake Tourist, 60 trained actors and
: -> actresses will haunt tourist attractions such as the Empire State
: -> Building in New York and the Space Needle in Seattle. Working in
: -> teams of two or three and behaving as if they were actual
: -> tourists, the actors and actresses will ask unsuspecting
: -> passersby to take their pictures.
I think I'll hire actors to demonstrate my new product, which is a
combination telephone, styptic pencil, and catheter.
I think the Space Needle is a good place to demonstrate it.
[...]
: -> One involves having an actress's phone ring while she's in the
: -> bar -- and having the caller's picture pop up on the screen.
And when my product rings, it's not just the picture that... Oh, *SITE*
: -> In another scenario, two women sit at opposite ends of the bar
: -> playing an interactive version of the Battleship game on their
: -> phones.
Also, you will be able to play POO^HNG with my ultra-futuristic
Stypticathetelepenphonecil.
: HOLY COW! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!
Also, it stills beating cow hearts.
Another fine FrogCo product.
-- F.
* Fro...@neosoft.com ** "The Information Super-Frog" [dibs]*
New website: http://libox.linux-dude.com/~frog/index.html
If that one is down, turn off Java The Script and visit my
old site at: http://www.angelfire.com/la/carlosmay/
***"http://www" is pronounced "Hut-up Wow!". Hope This Helps!***
David DeLaney
>> You know, if this product was any good, they could just GIVE sixty
>> of these phones to sixty people who like digital camera, and they'd
>> USE them to take pictures, and it would accomplish the same thing,
>> except they wouldn't have to hire LIARS.
>
>Or if the product was so damn good they'd send *me* one, I'd review
>it, and the review would be read by 20,000 to 50,000 people.
Well, yes, but our lurkers generally just -lurk-, they don't buy stuff. (As
far as we know anyway. If they bought stuff they'd be compelled after a bit
to post about it in various fashions, and presto...)
Dave
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
James Kibo Parry
They'd have to send each of us one so we could test the "Battleship"
functionality and rave about the interactive entertainment potential
it might sort of pretend to have. Both of us DESERVE a free stupid phone.
DO YOU HEAR ME, SONY? BOTH OF US!
Although, I do reserve the right to lie to people anyway. "I like
this phone, and they didn't send it to me for free, I bought it with
the billion dollars I stole when I melted Fort Knox with my X-ray vision..."
Also, I reserve the right to tinker with the innards of my free phone
so I can cheat at Battleship. Including both the regular version
and Strip Battleship.
-- K.
"G-4."
"YOU BLEW OFF MY BRA!"
Ben Wolfson
>Well, yes, but our lurkers generally just -lurk-, they don't buy stuff. (As
>far as we know anyway. If they bought stuff they'd be compelled after a bit
>to post about it in various fashions, and presto...)
Sadly, I have only bought more and more since writing that.
--
BTR
You're going to set me up as a kind of slovenly attached pig that
Jack Kornfeld can slice down in his violent zen compassion?
-- Larry Block
James Kibo Parry
>
> I think I'll hire actors to demonstrate my new product, which is a
> combination telephone, styptic pencil, and catheter.
And lollipop.
And toupee.
I'm going to stop there before this turns into a structure called
"Yes, and..." and we all start improvising and then I pick up the
closest object and press it to my forehead and yell "I'M ON 'WHOSE
LINE IS IT ANYWAY!'" after a forty-five minute pause that will be
edited out of the videotape leaving viewers amazed at my awesome
improv talent to grow five o'clock shadow during a two-second bit.
> I think the Space Needle is a good place to demonstrate it.
It's too bad Claes Oldenburg never completed The Space Styptic Pencil.
-- K.
I'll bet THIS article
doesn't get mentioned
in The Register.
Mark Hill
> It's too bad Claes Oldenburg never completed The Space Styptic Pencil.
I wanger the Space Styptic Pencil DOESN'T FLOAT!
James Kibo Parry
> > ->
> > -> A second stunt will involve the use of "leaners" -- 60 actresses
> > -> and female models with extensive training in the phone's features
> > -> who will frequent trendy lounges and bars without telling the
> > -> establishments what they're up to. The women are getting scripted
> > -> scenarios designed to help them engage strangers in conversation.
> >
> > Yeah, otherwise men just won't talk to fashion models hanging out by
> > themselves in bars.
>
> Wait, so if I go to a trendy bar, hot girls will come over and talk to
> me, and all I have to do is tolerate a sales pitch? Awesome!
Yes, but... keep in mind that several middle-aged men in business suits
on the 78th floor of Sony Ericsson's corporate headquarters are holding
meetings to devise this list of places they think are trendy. And you
can tell they're eighty-nine degrees off hip because they call them
"lounges". You know, where the mod swingers hang out before they head
back to their hep jet-age bachelor pads!
I'm sure the executives planning this adverteasement campaign are
so out of touch with popular culture that they'd think that Gerry Anderson's
"U.F.O." is a serious documentary about how everyone will wear Nehru
jackets and Beatle wigs in the distant future year 1980.
(I got my "U.F.O." DVDs in the mail today, and the other item that
arrived in the same batch was "Vegas In Space", the all-drag-queen
science fiction film with more camp than an entire summer of Indian Guides.
Somewhere a big computer has recorded, "KIBO : ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY
TO HAVE BOUGHT THE ONLY TWO SCIENCE FICTION DVDS FEATURE PEOPLE IN
PURPLE GLAM WIGS IN OUTER SPACE" and when they break down the demographics
of the DVD-buying public they'll put me in my own sector and start
making lots of movies where people have big purple hair because they
want to be able to say they've captured 100% of the market in this
demographic, when really it's just a coincidence that I happened to
get two purple-hair discs the same day. Plus one's very manly and
straight and the other is KIND OF gay, which will confuse the computer
and it'll phone me up on alternate days in Majel Barrett's voice and
Douglas Rain's voice to see which I like better, and I'll just hang
up on it, so it'll conclude I'm one of those filthy asexuals, and
start mailing me ads for movies asexual people would like, starting
with "Eyes Wide Shut".)
> I bet I'd be right in their target demographic, too.
Yeah, but "Vegas In Space" contained a flyer advertising "Fag Hag"
starring Wil Wheaton, so we can tell that demographics are an exact
science because if they were they'd know that the Wil Wheaton movie
I'd really want on DVD would be a new edit of "The Last Starfighter"
where Wil Wheaton's scene isn't cut out.
I've seen a few episodes of his show on G4 (the TV network entirely
devoted to letting you watch people watching people play video games)
and was disappointed that at the end of each first-person shooter
tournament he didn't come out and explain that this qualified the
winner to help defend the Star Leage against Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada.
But no. He never once even mentioned Fly Fighters. Just for that
I won't send him my fanfiction script explaining the intermediate
stage between Atari's "Star Raiders" and Atari's "Star Raiders II"
(aka "The Last Starfighter") and he'll never get to find out how
the Ko-Dan Fly Fighters took control of the galaxy from the Zylon
Base Stars and one Garbage Scow Captain Class 5.
> Their instructions must include something like "keep an eye out for
> nerdy guys who are sitting alone in the corner avoiding eye contact
> with anyone" because we're the kind of guys who buy dumb electronic stuff,
> especially when a hot girl tells us to.
Then they're probably zeroing in on alt.religion.kibology right now.
Think of it: An article by Kibo got quoted in The Register and
commented on by SlashDot's Roblimo, and I just mentioned that there
is such a person as Wil Wheaton. This confluence of super-nerdiness
is like a magnet to these marketing executives who know we'll buy
cool stuff because we're nerds. Nerds are cool now, right?
> Oh, wait, the trendiest bar in my town is the one at T.G.I.Friday's.
> Their "leaners" are probably just annoying guys who try to sell you
> "Goldmember" branded merchandise.
Still, it could be worse, it could be a Matt Garrett's instead of
a T.G.I.Friday's. Matt Garrett's is the same sort of place except
it's a small local chain advertised by a guy who wants us to think
he's Jay Leno's voice but he's more like Rich Little doing Dana Carvey
doing Rich Little doing Jay Leno, and he's not even famous standup
comedian Brad Garrett.
> > (Note: "XXX" on a jug means booze, "XXX" on a sack means flower,
> > and "XXX" on a videotape means it costs three times as much as
> > a movie with an actual plot.)
>
> Except now it might mean it costs the same as a real movie, but with
> extra Vin Diesel and explosions, and about the same amount of plot as
> those other "XXX" movies. I can't wait until the sequel, "XXXII", comes
> out.
The first time I used Gnutella (which is like Napster, but only has
about ten files on the network) I turned on the "Search Monitor" window
to see what other people were searching for, and got something like this:
XXX
XXX
LATEX
XXX
XXX
XXX
LATEX
LATEX
XXX
XXX
LATEX
...I don't know if "XXX" meant the movie or the USDA grade for pornography,
and I don't know if "LATEX" meant the fetish or Leslie Lamport.
The second time I tried it, the only people whose searches reached
my peer ("you are shielded by an ultrapeer") were some guys looking
for "Farscape" episodes and "Lexx" episodes.
I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll probably discover two more kinds
of nerdy porn.
> Anyway, I think that if anyone ever tries to use one of these real-life
> commercials on me, I will just ask to hold the phone and then
> accidentally smash it against the floor. In fact, I will do this if
> anyone ever mentions a brand when describing a product they own.
"Hey, look at my awesome new Reebok glass basketball filled with phosgene!"
-- K.
Does Reebok even make
basketballs? I don't know
because I spent all of
gym class doing extra-
credit math homework.
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > It's too bad Claes Oldenburg never completed The Space Styptic Pencil.
>
> I wanger the Space Styptic Pencil DOESN'T FLOAT!
I have no idea what you're talking about. Perhaps you've been writing
on your face with a doobie while smoking your styptic pencil.
Incidentally, what other common household objects should not be smoked?
I nominate an inflatable vinyl chair, whether or not it's filled with
gasoline vapor.
I also think DVDs would not be fun to smoke, although curiously
"Yellow Submarine" and "Baby Geniuses" would for the first time
both cause chromosome damage.
-- K.
Oh, and don't smoke me,
at least not 'til I'm dead.
And then, don't freeze me
like Ted Williams, and if
somehow I do get frozen,
please don't ever thaw me
out, because I hate the
taste of freezer burn in
my mouth.
Xaonon
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
> The second time I tried it, the only people whose searches reached
> my peer ("you are shielded by an ultrapeer") were some guys looking
> for "Farscape" episodes and "Lexx" episodes.
STOP SPYING ON ME!
--
Xaonon, EAC Chief of Mad Scientists and informal BAAWA, aa #1821, Kibo #: 1
Visit The Nexus Of All Coolness (a.k.a. my site) at http://xaonon.cjb.net/
"Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed Gandalf my
Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me."
Gus, The World's Happiest Boy
into one of the many proprietary ports in the back? Would it tell me it
loved me?
Mercutio Jones
> Incidentally, what other common household objects should not be smoked?
Rubber band collections.
Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
> Tell you what, Sony. You can give me a free phone as long as I can
> give you this free albino koala bear which you have to feed special
> white eucalyptus cough drops all day, and you can only buy them from
> me, and you can only buy them a year in advance. Oh, and I'll need
> to see both sides of your credit card. Then you get your *F*R*E*E*
> beige koala.
Stop making fun of me!!!
--Koala
Mark Hill
> Oh, and don't smoke me,
Smokin' Kibo...
> at least not 'til I'm dead.
> And then, don't freeze me
> like Ted Williams, and if
> somehow I do get frozen,
> please don't ever thaw me
> out, because I hate the
> taste of freezer burn in
> my mouth.
You're supposed to tell half of us that you definitely want to be frozen
when you die, and tell the other half that you definitely don't want to be.
Andrew Pearson
>
[snippage]
> They'd have to send each of us one so we could test the "Battleship"
> functionality and rave about the interactive entertainment potential
> it might sort of pretend to have. Both of us DESERVE a free stupid phone.
> DO YOU HEAR ME, SONY? BOTH OF US!
>
> Although, I do reserve the right to lie to people anyway. "I like
> this phone, and they didn't send it to me for free, I bought it with
> the billion dollars I stole when I melted Fort Knox with my X-ray vision..."
>
> Also, I reserve the right to tinker with the innards of my free phone
> so I can cheat at Battleship. Including both the regular version
> and Strip Battleship.
Playing battleships? Oh the disappointment. I thought that you were
getting a 42,000 ton armour-plated phone.
Well, when you got bored with it, you could give it to tj frazir.
--
It does not have silicone bosom and a not straight wespentaille, which
concerns scandals and affairs, actually also holds back itself it. And
nevertheless it is a superstar. For 25 years the small impudent bee Maja
schwirrt over the picture monitor, millions of children bebeistert,
brings with their disarm-naive nature the large ones to swarms.
Professor Zamumba
>On 3 Aug 2002 00:22:44 -0400, d...@gatekeeper.vic.com (David DeLaney) wrote:
>
>>Well, yes, but our lurkers generally just -lurk-, they don't buy stuff. (As
>>far as we know anyway. If they bought stuff they'd be compelled after a bit
>>to post about it in various fashions, and presto...)
>
>http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=5kfciu05s3a17200qe82ufjqbiem1b7hao%404ax.com&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain
>
>Sadly, I have only bought more and more since writing that.
Why are you sad about that? Those are all good recordings, more or less
cornerstones of my collection. ("Volume Two" is better than Third, though.
Also the collection of the first three Art Zoyd CDs is their best. Also,
Aqsak Maboul.)
--
"'Usenet' is this big thing with the things and the other stuff,
plus nerds."- David Pacheco
Ben Wolfson
<wrong...@ekilat.com> wrote:
>>Sadly, I have only bought more and more since writing that.
>
>Why are you sad about that?
Because it cost MUNNY. (Up to 44 now.)
Mercutio Jones
are free from advertising these days is in our dreams.
Soon, however, the mind control technology created by the MK-ULTRA/MK DELTA
people will be used to bean microwave-based commercials into our brains as
we sleep, so upon awakening, having breakfast at Sonic will not longer seem
like the goofy idea it is.
Artemia Salina
> Well, yes, but our lurkers generally just -lurk-, they don't buy stuff. (As
> far as we know anyway. If they bought stuff they'd be compelled after a bit
> to post about it in various fashions, and presto...)
I bought something once. It was a talking expanded polystyrene lobster.
And I'm wearing a lovely taffeta evening gown, with matching shoes and purse.
Wanna see me pull a rabbit outa my hat?
--
Artemia Salina -- http://www.drpez.com/drali1.htm
Glebeless Procerite Sourly Acutes Checky Assonance!!!
Posted Via Usenet.com Premium Usenet Newsgroup Services
----------------------------------------------------------
** SPEED ** RETENTION ** COMPLETION ** ANONYMITY **
----------------------------------------------------------
http://www.usenet.com
Lleah
"Mercutio Jones" <kokoub...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3d4de...@corp.newsgroups.com...
> It occurred to me in the shower that the one place left in society where
we
> are free from advertising these days is in our dreams.
>
> Soon, however, the mind control technology created by the MK-ULTRA/MK
DELTA
> people will be used to bean microwave-based commercials into our brains as
> we sleep, so upon awakening, having breakfast at Sonic will not longer
seem
> like the goofy idea it is.
Pffft.
This theory is sooooo Series 2.
-Leha
Whaler On Moon
Lleah
"Artemia Salina" <y...@sheayright.com> wrote in message
news:3D4E1ED8...@sheayright.com...
> David DeLaney wrote:
>
> > Well, yes, but our lurkers generally just -lurk-, they don't buy stuff.
(As
> > far as we know anyway. If they bought stuff they'd be compelled after a
bit
> > to post about it in various fashions, and presto...)
>
> I bought something once. It was a talking expanded polystyrene lobster.
> And I'm wearing a lovely taffeta evening gown, with matching shoes and
purse.
HELLO ARTEMIA!
Please list items in purse.
I am wearing a paper hat and some rainbow suspenders.
>
> Wanna see me pull a rabbit outa my hat?
Only if by rabbit you mean *very small terrier* and by hat you mean
*industrial-sized calliope*.
-L
PS AND ALSO:
I am wearing a paper hat and some rainbow suspenders.
Artemia Salina
>
> Carlos "Froggy" May (fro...@neosoft.dontspamme.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think I'll hire actors to demonstrate my new product, which is a
> > combination telephone, styptic pencil, and catheter.
>
> And lollipop.
>
> And toupee.
Why not just hire actors who'll listen with pretend amazement
to the Sony actors? And you could fill the Space Needle with
extras who would mutter and mill around on cue. And Woody Allen
could pull Marshal McCluhan out from behind a potted plant and
have him tell the Sony actors what a dumb idea it is to pretend
to be tourists in order to sell phones to other actors who are
pretending to be tourists. And then when the Sony actors get all
embarrassed and red faced, Allen Funt could come out from behind
a fake wall and laugh and shake the Sony actor's hands with his
baseball cap!
--
Artemia Salina -- http://www.drpez.com/drali1.htm
Horizontal Restitute Fuliginously Skelps Fainty Apagoge!!!
David O'Callaghan
> (I got my "U.F.O." DVDs in the mail today, and the other item that
> arrived in the same batch was "Vegas In Space", the all-drag-queen
> science fiction film with more camp than an entire summer of Indian
> Guides. Somewhere a big computer has recorded, "KIBO : ONLY PERSON IN
> HISTORY TO HAVE BOUGHT THE ONLY TWO SCIENCE FICTION DVDS FEATURE PEOPLE
> IN PURPLE GLAM WIGS IN OUTER SPACE" and when they break down the
> demographics of the DVD-buying public they'll put me in my own sector
> and start making lots of movies where people have big purple hair
> because they want to be able to say they've captured 100% of the market
> in this demographic, when really it's just a coincidence that I happened
> to get two purple-hair discs the same day.
Be careful or you'll end up with your own region-encoding region, and then
we'll have to go to the electronics shops and say "I need the Kibo
mod on my DVD player" when we decide to buy Sci Fi with Wigs (Wig Fi?).
Also, can somebody tell me if there is a proper name for 'wig science' and
does it count as biology or physics.
David
Kit Peters
>
> And lollipop.
>
> And toupee.
Thus making it a thing that was both a floor wax and a dessert topping.
Now that's Zen, baby.
PopeFelix
Wiblur the Once
about...
> Be careful or you'll end up with your own region-encoding region, and then
> we'll have to go to the electronics shops and say "I need the Kibo
> mod on my DVD player" when we decide to buy Sci Fi with Wigs (Wig Fi?).
>
> Also, can somebody tell me if there is a proper name for 'wig science' and
> does it count as biology or physics.
Here you go:
http://www.hairscientists.org/q&a.htm
"The Trichological Society
Bringing the world of hair science to you"
"The Society provides a high-level educational facility in pure
trichology."
I wonder what impure trichology consists of?
"Practitioner Members Services include:
Headwear, Wigs and Baldness Camouflage"
-----
"...The job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which
strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. The need for mystery is greater
than the need for an answer."
- Ken Kesey
Zixia
> The UK ALWAYS gets these before the Merkins!!! why why WHY?!?
> I was in Tesco's, for crying out loud, and looked over and went
> "Haaaaaaaaaay! Why is there a Futurama DVD on the shelf here?"
> And it just mocked me with it's Not Your Region HAW HAW coding.
It's not all roses and cheery smiles over here either. I accidentally
saw my first episode of MST3K while in Boston, and then jwgh kindly
showed me the Star Trek V fan-dubbed MST3K, which was most amusing. I
wandered into a DVD selling shop before the holiday was over and went
to the TV section, whereupon I found a handful of MST3K DVDs, also with
the region encoding laughing at me rather rudely.
Then I remembered my region-free DVD player back home, and punched the
mocking DVDs on the nose before buying one and forcing it to play in a
country it wasn't designed to. HAW HAW! I CAN PLAY0R TEH DVDS FROM A
BROAD!
Of course, with half of my collection coming from outside of region 2,
I have kind of locked myself into buying further region-free players,
but I'll worry about that later.
--
@+-------------+@
_o)| I can see |(o_
/\\| Invisible |//\
_\_V|_____________|V_/_