Ass Hair
sheephustler
longish but funny
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story
to
alt.tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started,
as
many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not
constipated; this was not a
regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my
ass-hair
had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly
getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led
to
much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something
to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its
butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things:
either
reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering
loaf
(which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature
all
over my rear, especially since I
had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke,
start
wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal
matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed
threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the
time
to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my
butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and
then
my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to
myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot
of
other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there
be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a
drive!" by
JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet
access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving
idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable
razor
and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and
shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process
of
ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean
the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I
did by
wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the
between-ravine
began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe.
Finally, I
wiped the razor one last time,
and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair.
My
ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my
troubles
were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in
this
world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence.
It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how
much I
had been taking it for granted.
For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day,
when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing
two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice
something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my
crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two
asscheeks
sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going
to the
bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually,
I
thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the
microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish.
When I
stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy
sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my
dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a
swarm of
ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to
keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I
rushed
back to the dorm.
Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I
finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against
each
other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly
dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it
in
front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two
mounds of
flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room.
Every
dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of
all,
as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan
and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And
as I
sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and
dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with
the
tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only
one
thought:
"It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at
every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for
ass-hair -
ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it
get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two
pink
twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a
frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a
lost
gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As
anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first
growing
in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture
of a
brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is
a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out
the
window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it
all
over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant
agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
tha Ole SheepHustler