Merry Christmas from the ADF (filk)
BKWillis
by BKWillis
[The scene is the outside of a largish suburban house. It is night-
time, but the front lawn is illuminated by several dozen strands
of Christmas lights. A large delivery van with a cluster of anten-
nas and radar dishes on top is parked in the middle of the grass.
A cheery sign by the sidewalk reads: 'Santa Claus Crossing', but
a less-cheery one nearby reads: 'Armed Response'. A flag depic-
ting a blue star on a red shield flies next to the front door. From
inside, the sounds of drunken revelry can be heard.]
[The view zooms in through the front window and now shows
what was once a tasteful living room that is now home to about
a dozen people, all in camouflage uniforms and all in various
stages of dishevelment. A couple have bandages on, while a
bearded man and a young blonde woman with hacked-up hair
are wearing strait jackets. The floor is littered with guns, con-
fetti, empty bottles, and more guns. A few bullet holes are
visible in the walls.]
[The view zooms in closer, focussing on a young woman sitting
on the coffee table. She has an acoustic guitar on her lap and a
bottle of gin next to her. Her uniform has 'DIANE' stencilled
above the breast pocket. She takes a swig from the bottle, then
sets it down and begins to pick at the guitar, playing a slow
Country-Western tune. She sings:]
Doug got drunk and Vick got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Our pal Adric brought his new girlfriend
She's Alabamian
We didn't know whether she'd fit in
'Til she sang 'Feliz Navidad'
Feliz Navidad...
Gamma Leader brought his team with him
Jason and his partner Jim
And the two from the loony bin
Poor Terry Wayne and Michelle
And of course he brought that silent guy
Frank won't say a word, we don't know why
Sits quiet while the rest of us try
To sing 'Noel'
The first Noel...
Carve the turkey, turn 'Full Circle' on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the ammo store
We need some .38s and .44s
A bag of river-fruit, some Diet Rite,
Some yellow PJs and some Miller Lite
Hallelujah everybody! Hell yes!
Merry Christmas from the ADF!
Andy and Heather drove the HQ in
With a load of stuff that Starr had sent
But when they tried to plug the radar set in,
It blew our Christmas lights
Trooper Charlie knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang 'Silent Night'
Oh, silent night,
Oh Holy night...
Carve the turkey, turn 'Logopolis' on
Make Bloody Marys... 'cause we all want one!
Send somebody to the local store
We need some vodka and a block of C-4
Some hand grenades and some Diet Sprite
Some yellow PJs and some dynamite.
Hallelujah everybody! Hell yes!
Merry Christmas from the A... D... F!
Feliz Navidad!
[The view pulls back to show everyone waving as the scene fades
to black.]
--BKWillis
Copyright Notes:
'Doctor Who' is property of the BBC.
The Adric Defense Force created by Douglas Killings.
The song 'Merry Christmas from the Family' is property of
Robert Earl Keen.
Archivist's Note: Don't bother.