Clear Things
rus...@binah.cc.brandeis.edu
I can't speak for the rest of you, but I'm becoming quite concerned
about all these things that you can't see nowadays. And yes, my eyeglass
prescription is up-to-date.
I'm not certain where this all began, but I personally blame the entire
thing on Crystal Pepsi. Now you've got all sorts of other stuff out there
that's transparent, too. For example, take clear toothpaste. I really
mean that, go ahead and take the clear toothpaste, every last see-through
tube. Also each "pump." And when exactly did THIS mutant device hit the
market? Throughout my childhood (1971-1979), I never imagined that I
would encounter so many major toothpaste-related technological break-
throughs. I always figured it would be maybe ONE major toothpaste-
related technological breakthrough, tops. But the way I see it we're now
at two, and counting.
First, someone eliminated the time-consuming burden of actually
squeezing the tube. This occurred during the Push-Button/Remote-Control
Revolution which swept the nation as though it was higher-up on the
political agenda than the Global Greenhouse Warming Effect. Then, as
though the toothpaste pump didn't already transform the average person's
life into a reasonable approximation of pure bliss, someone else very
recently eliminated the time-consuming burden of actually having to SEE
the paste.
So the situation as it stands is that you could conceivably be using a
clear toothbrush, clear toothpaste, and clear water (available in some
areas, check your local listings). Although I certainly don't recommend
it. It's a dental game of chance. Did I brush my teeth or not? Who
knows? Couldn't see a damn thing, especially in that clear mirror!
Now don't get me wrong -- I don't oppose transparency in general. It's
a fine concept, ranking right up there with opaqueness. I just don't
think the right things are becoming less visible. When I drink black
cherry soda, I want it to look like genuine black cherries squished into
a bottle. I find it reassuring, and it takes my mind off the actual
ingredients, the ones whose names look like they were developed by Nazis:
"phosphoric acid," "potassium benzoate," and others. CLEAR soda, on the
other hand, makes me wonder. There are plenty of deadly poisons that are
colorless, odorless, and potentially in the bottle I'm drinking. However,
you virtually NEVER hear about lethal chemicals described as "black-
cherryish in color" or "smelling vaguely like black cherries."
I'd like to see different sorts of things become transparent. Like all
paperwork from the IRS. And other litter. Such as for example, products
that are designed specifically to be thrown from the windows of speeding
cars: cigarette butts, Cheetos bags, miniature golf pencils, and Vice
President Al Gore spring readily to mind. Make these things clear to
begin with.
Since bad news is so depressing, why not print it in invisible ink?
And what about Secret Decoder Rings? They're no secret -- you can spot
them easily on most normal fingers! Make 'em clear. I'm sure nobody
would complain if the federal government required all ugly hats to be made
of translucent materials, and the same goes for dirty laundry.
Someday, once all the unattractive things in the world are unseeable,
maybe scientists can get to work on the next step: making unappealing
sounds unhearable. You'd never hear another car dealership jingle on the
radio. You'd never hear the word "Not!" being used as though it's been
funny since YEARS ago. And as an added bonus for Ross Perot if the NAFTA
gets signed and all our jobs scamper off the Mexico like startled cock-
roaches when you flick on the kitchen lights, he won't have to hear that
giant sucking sound he's been telling us all about. The added bonus for
the rest of us is that we won't have to hear Ross Perot talking about giant
sucking sounds.
Probably all of this will begin with Silent Pepsi. After all, if they
don't want us to SEE their drink, why would they want us to HEAR it? They're
obviously creating the world's first Stealth Soda. Of course you can rest
assured that the more discriminating, health-fanatical carbonated beverage
connoisseurs will be able to purchase Caffeine-Free Diet Crystal Silent Pepsi.
--John "John Ruscio" Ruscio
Andy Symes
: "Am I Blind Or Just Living On Pepsi's New Crystal Planet?"
[67 lines deleted]
: Probably all of this will begin with Silent Pepsi. After all, if they
: don't want us to SEE their drink, why would they want us to HEAR it? They're
: obviously creating the world's first Stealth Soda. Of course you can rest
: assured that the more discriminating, health-fanatical carbonated beverage
: connoisseurs will be able to purchase Caffeine-Free Diet Crystal Silent Pepsi.
: --John "John Ruscio" Ruscio
Silent water was first suggested, to my knowledge, in the British magazine
'New Scientist' around 15 years ago. The correspondent had a problem
with noisy water pipes in his house. He suggested adding long-chain
polymers to the water which would have a mechanical damping effect at
the molecular level. A suitable polymer would be without taste and smell,
be non-toxic and would pass through the digestive tract unchanged.
No more noisy pipes, babbling brooks, ... :) :) :)
--
Andy. (asy...@nl.oracle.com)
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