How Much? How Good?
Lisa Olivia
it's not fire, something is congesting heavily in my throat. Xmas Eve
was a perfect example of how I am still creating 'less' in my life. I
reflected on it yesterday. Fortunately, I have a partner in my life
who is going for the 'more' in ways where I am holding myself back,
and vice versa, yes, as someone said yesterday, we complement each
other. However, this is about me, and only me. I have so much to be
grateful for in my life, not that I 'have to be' or 'should be'
grateful for, just simply pure gratitude that is somewhere deep
inside. And too many rules. I'm starting to believe that whatever
lights you up and is meaningful to you, is true and real. That each
of ~is~ the godforce in each of our lives, and, no matter what, we can
create anything/everything we want and need!! So why am I fighting
this 'reality'? I suppose the quotes I just used say something. Not
yet is the acknowledgement of my own godforce my own reality. And
this separation is of my own creation. Hah!
There has been much movement and shifting within my beliefs, as I see
an old one passing by that no longer has a home inside of me!!! I
used to say, quite frequently, things to the effect of, 'Oh, what a
beautiful dress!' Oh, not for me, for someone else!' Substitute home/
relationship/job/life, pretty much anything. Truly, there is not a lot
that I need. I do need to honor my body, mostly by resting when I need
it, some days drinking lots of water, and of course, food. Oh, yes, I
also need small sums of money to trade for things like food/water/a
home to rest in! This, too, is a shift in believing, for many years I
felt that I 'needed' so much, that my body was high maintenance, I
created a 'need' for meditation, aromatherapy, certain vitamins and
foods everyday, and the list goes on. Now, much thanks to Dahn-Hak and
even more gratitude to WEL-Systems, Louise LeBrun's body of knowledge,
the awareness of the importance of breath makes it all so much less
effortless. I NEED to breathe! I also want to breathe, an important
factor, since there are times when I still convince myself that I
don't want to breathe. Like the past few days. Knowing that more is
coming in (my new job, a surprise gift from a special friend,
meaningful gifts from others in my life, new clothes for me), all of
this and I've been holding my breath again, tightening my belly. And,
so, less of me showing up the past few days. A gentle reminder of how
I do not want to live my life, closing in on myself, creating
interactions with others that are not filled with meaning because I'm
not filling out and showing up.
Is my physical representation, this appearance in the device,
connected to my ability to be fully present and filling up my life? I
had been thinking so. 'Thinking', a key indicator of where this is
going... Criticizing myself for losing a pound, for 'shrinking', I'm
not the size 8 that I thought, ended up buying a size 4 pant. As I
write, tears flow and I see perhaps why the message from the dressing
room came that day, as I said to myself, "I can't believe I'm that
small", and "I know I'm bigger than that". So, I bought the size 4
and I also bought a size 6 that felt a bit uncomfortable (but I was
really in denial over the whole size thing!) I got home and tried on
my pants to get a second opinion. I tried the 6 first, hoping that I
would be told by someone outside of me that what I felt on the inside
was 'wrong' (how old is that, such external referencing!!!), and I was
advised, "they look a little too big, here and here" as it was pointed
out to me what I already knew. I looked in the mirror, later, at my
body, imagining what it would be like to not see boney protrusions in
some spots, but to see smooth, filled-out roundness everywhere, though
I know I cannot 'command' my body (and thank goodness for that,
really!!!). Wanting to feel 'full' and 'soft' when arms hug me, and
now I see the metaphor again. It's the softness I want, rather than
the hard lines and angles. Just allow me to soften, it's about the
inside as still I feel the tightness in my belly.
The question, 'How good am I willing to have it?' is more about 'How
good am I willing to allow myself to be?' -- to my Self. And now, I
laugh a little bit, as my eyes, open wide, still see the old image of
me standing with a baseball bat (not playing on the ballfield),
rather, ready to strike myself at any time. I had to pause there, for
a minute, which you all didn't see, yet the pause was critical, as I
had movement, all the way into my arms, a lightness, and into my
head. Ah, pressure relieved. I know I'm not alone, not the only woman
here who's adept at 'beating herself up'. Last night I dreamed of a
situation where a woman was being beaten my a lover/spouse/partner, I
vaguely recall that now, for some reason it's relevant. Whether by our
own 'hand' or someone else's, the 'abuse' that we may have been
present to as children does not have to continue any longer. As an
adult, I am free to choose whatever I want. I think it's time for me
to put down the bat, let it go completely, stand back, and when I'm
ready, use it for kindling for a nice, cozy fire. I'm done. I'm done
with beating myself up. I don't have any clue what that looks like,
but I'm willing to take a leap, with eyes wide open, and find out!
Lynn Wade
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Melissa
this way. For the past few days, things have been shifting and
moving, and it's beyond my own conscious understanding. I have no
words, context, or visions for what has been passing through me
lately. All I know is that it is old, deep and so ingrained and
intertwined within me that trying to let it out is painful and
sickening. . I’m trying to breathe but it isn’t working as well as I
would like. And somehow I keep thinking that this is a sign that
something is metabolizing. Maybe this is the process of releasing
something that doesn’t belong anymore. And then as quickly and
intensely as the wave comes...it's gone and suddenly I feel settled
and easy. But then within a few hours later, suddenly something came
to me: "divine as suffocating". This realization hit me very
profoundly … realizing that somewhere along the lines I created an
understanding or belief that my divinity - the magic and essence that
is Me - was a curse and caused weight and suffocation. But now, I see
that I am divine and this is freeing, weightless and liberating. I am
free to be my own truth, my own immense Self and I can be free with
this, I don’t need to hide it, cover it or make it small, because I,
as a divine being, am expansive, space, wisdom, knowing and with
powerful strength. And then I read Lisa's line about "How good am I
willing to allow myself to be?' -- to my Self." I agree
wholeheartedly with Lynn - it is brilliant!!!
I really don't understand everything that's been coming in waves, and
I'm realizing that maybe I don't have to intellectually understand
it. Maybe the simple act of voicing it and sharing it (instead of
keeping it bottled inside) is all that I need in this moment.
I don't think I would have shared any of this without reading both of
your posts. Thank you both so very much.
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