In this moment I will pretend no one is reading...

[Tanya]

Because this weekend was really heavy for me. I am about to be honest
with myself. Try not to blame myself. The burning in my stomach..
the cold hands and nose..
What does this bring to me? And why did I create this? Old feelings
come back. And I move through them. with Greater streanth than i did
before. Only feeling the need to lye down..and breath..making up
stories about stomach flus...perhaps running around in my house.

Friday, I get home, not even have my shoes off yet. My Husband sais,
"I have to tell you what The daycare teacher told me.." Instantley a
rush of heat flows through my body.
"Jacob and 2 other chirldren beat up another boy who only wanted to
play with them.. " (BIG TEARS) I saw RED. As my Boy stood there and
looked at me. STILL and frozen.. I said.. "WHAT?" I am so
disturbed. I said.. "What gives you the Authority to to lay a hand on
this boy?" He said, " Becasue i wanted to feel apart of the group."
No one was playing with me today." As I sit here trembling.. I know I
am safe.. and am Confused.. and I can't Help but pretend to feel..
"What am I doing wrong?" I said.. "For me Jacob.. If one of my
friends are being hurt, I will go and Pick that person up off the
ground.. and tell everyone else where to go!" .. He said.. "But Mommy
I listented to my body..Just like you told me.. "

So I said.. "Did it feel good?" He said.. "No.. "

"So then that is what I mean when I tell you to listen to your body..
" You make choices Jacob. I cried so hard all weekend thinking.. of
this other boy... thinking of my son. Our schools..

I understand How it lead up to what and how this happened... I
understand when He was so scared and confused as to why kids in grade
6 and in grade one were all in the same yard playing at lunch.. ??
Then he saw a grade 6 beat the shit out of a grade 3... Jacob ran to
the principle.. to tell him.no one showed much concern...I have been
in the principles office already this year..(Becasue of Jacob had
concerns of things happening in this yard..) In My opinion.. There is
NO supervision in the school yards.. and frankley ... The
supervision.. does not even pay attention! There are 2 ladies, and
they are no where near the yard. So the kids think and do whatever
they want! My Heart breaks.. He is 6 Years OLD!!!!!!

Not too long after we got a call from my brother inlaw who is having a
Mental breakdown becasue of his divorce, and he shows up at the
house... A mess.. I contunue to focus on My son, and myself.. we go
elsewhere in the house for the night.

Saturday Morning...Wake up wanting to vomit from the information in my
body...Then I get a text Message from My family in Vancouver...

"Guilty..2nd degree Murder.."

My Dad's wife was finally convicted. I had more movement and tears...
Breathing, My husband holding me until it was over..

But I wonder.. Why not pick up the phone to tell me? Thats it. A text
message. Its over. Ok.

I am sitting here.. wondering to myself..And there is MORE.. Always..
this time, no over reacting, no shaking.. I know why my stomach is
aching. I know why my vision is blurry.

I just hope to myself, am I doing the right things for myself and my
son. ... Some days ... I am in a cloud... Its ok.. If I am up and
down. I am starting to realize that That Is ME. I hope my son is
ok..i still am in disbelief. I feel so much. It is for me right
now..and my son.. Are we willing to stand alone? I am at 35, I just
have to show him Its ok to at 6. ..

[Sandra Heron]

Tanya, thank you for the gift that you are to me.  Yesterday, reading that you were watching a movie with your son and now reading all of this allowing it to move through my body, I am moved.  What comes up for me is the honesty, the incredible claiming of honesty.  I get a visual of reaching out and claiming, "mine." So yesterday, when we were toboganning and when I was bored out of my mind and I had to paint, the fire was so huge in me; it was all "mine."  I know parents get tired when we play roles, when we are honest, we get a life and they get a life.  What a way to start my day. I am loving this "new normal." 

Breathing is, indeed, good.

Sandy

2009/12/21 Tanya <morto...@hotmail.com>

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With Respect,

Sandy

"Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you."    Poet David Whyte.

[Louise]

Tanya, I am grateful you chose to allow me into this moment in your
life. I cannot begin to tell you how much moved in me as a result of
your willingness to share that truth, of that moment.

In that tumultuous inner state, I went to a place (I thought) I had
long left behind. Hmm... not so much!

I want you to know you are not alone.

Blog: http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com/2009/12/22/bullying/

[Beata Hart]

Tanya. Yet agin, I am amazed with your widom and... well, just you, the way you show up and I become more...Not quite sure how - I am still learning-but the feelings come and I breath, and I become more, thanks to you.
Thank you for showing me yours:).
You are not alone!
Beata
 

 
> Date: Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:12:19 -0800
> Subject: In this moment I will pretend no one is reading...
> From: morto...@hotmail.com
> To: womenga...@googlegroups.com

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> You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "WomenGathering" group.
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