Poems of the Sea no. 3
Bill Orr
A lighthouse stands on a rocky shore,
a finger pointing up reaching over the tide
like an eye open wide at the ocean's door
with a beam of light as a seaman's guide.
It has stood this spot in the century past,
a monument there rising above the rocks
with white round walls like a sailing mast,
existing past the time that the present mocks.
The tender's house beside it stands
with it's red tile roof and bleached white walls
like an artist's painting as the vision pans
of a seascape rendering that the eye recalls.
Bill Orr
2004
--
http://home.earthlink.net/~billbernice1/
Includes "Poems of the Sea"
Colin Ward
<billbe...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>The Lighthouse
There is an interesting contrast between this work and
Matthew's Montchalin's "Lorelai". Let us begin by examining
the latter:
As others have suggested, the inversions could and likely
should be avoided. They are not so egregius here, though, since
the voice is that of an "ancient mariner" (although this seems
all but lost in S2 and S3) and because this is a humour piece.
Note the strict iamb:
L O R E L A I
a GOTHic MAID t'was LOReLAI,
her LOCKS now WET with WEEDS,
who TO the DEEP once FELL to DIE,
from WEIGHT of NECKlace BEADS;
I'd like to avoid a stress falling on such an "insignificant"
word as "TO" in L3, see no purpose for the comma after L3 and
little purpose for the semicolon after L4. I'd prefer a period to
avoid lengthening this sentence unnecessarily.
The rest of the work follows strict iambic meter. This is
entirely appropriate to humourous verse. Indeed, I might go
as far as to say that it is a signature of the genre. My main
objection is that, while certainly light, it isn't really funny.
and what she wore then was all black,
her lips and lashes too;
and like that time she stands up slack,
and rises from what's blue;
the weeds from shoulder down they drape
and drip there sopping wet,
her muddy dressing gown's a cape
and still as black as jet.
They tip their hat at that and say
as by her they so pass,
"The maid there standing dark and grey
is one true Gothic Lass."
Conclusion:
Humourous verse demands strict meter but allows more leeway
everywhere else: e.g. archaicism, inversion and cliché. The
writer isn't trying to "wow" the reader; the writer is merely
trying to entertain the reader.
Now let us contrast this to the first stanza (note that a
"paragraph" of metrical verse is a "stanza" while a theme--roughly,
a paragraph--of free verse is a "strophe") from Bill Orr's "The
Lighthouse".
The Lighthouse
A lighthouse stands on a rocky shore,
de DUM de DUM de de DUM de DUM
Believe it or not, this is okay as iamb. "On a" involves small
"insignificant" words without hard sounds ("at its", for example,
might not work as well). Such insertions are not just tolerable
in non-humourous poems; they are *necessary* in order to break
up the sing-song monotone of strict meter--especially strict
trochee or iamb.
Aside from the unimaginative language, so far, so good.
a finger pointing up reaching over the tide
de DUM de DUM de DUM DUM de DUMde de DUM
One *might* get away with the latter insertion, "OVer the
TIDE", for the same reasons as in L1 and because "over" could
be contracted to "o'er" in a pinch. Still, I'd want to try to
coordinate the insertion better, perhaps aligning it with the
one in L1 so that it comes in the third foot. Alternatively, I
might try to establish the iamb via one strictly metered line
out of the first two.
The insertion of a stressed syllable ("UP REACHing") is
where most experienced readers would stop.
Having butchered iambic meter the writer now turns his
wrath on trochee:
like an eye open wide at the ocean's door
DUM de DUM DUMde DUM de de DUM de DUM
...or what I can only guess was an attempt at trochee.
Scansion is not *that* difficult to learn. Most can do
it simply by reading a line aloud, noting where the stresses
lie, and gunning for either perfect (for humourous poetry)
or slightly imperfect (for serious poetry) rhythm. Perhaps
the writer's refusal to read any poetry extends to his own.
Given the quality, who can blame him?
What remains is virtually everything we hope to avoid
in verse: tired language, twisted syntax, inversion,
presumptive personification, incorrect punctuation and
complete inattention to sonics.
with a beam of light as a seaman's guide.
It has stood this spot in the century past,
a monument there rising above the rocks
with white round walls like a sailing mast,
existing past the time that the present mocks.
The tender's house beside it stands
with it's red tile roof and bleached white walls
like an artist's painting as the vision pans
of a seascape rendering that the eye recalls.
Conclusion:
Serious verse allows--no, *demands*--some variation
from strict meter (i.e. when you're trying to tell a serious
story you don't want to sound like Dr. Seuss) but requires
a level of fresh, modern, unstilted language second only
to free verse.
Best regards,
Colin
David Hamilton
news:0449g0ttraveui6ug...@4ax.com...
and refer to it in the future. Thanks Colin, an invaluable lesson to those
of us who (until now) never fully understood the subtleties of iambic.
Appreciated.
--
Scribbler.
"Silence may speak volumes, but it has no library."
David Hamilton
My poetry is at: http://www.wordsthatstay.net/scribbler.htm
>
Matthew Montchalin
| >
| > L O R E L A I
| >
| > a GOTHic MAID t'was LOReLAI,
| > her LOCKS now WET with WEEDS,
| > who TO the DEEP once FELL to DIE,
| > from WEIGHT of NECKlace BEADS;
| >
| > I'd like to avoid a stress falling on such an "insignificant"
| > word as "TO" in L3, see no purpose for the comma after L3 and
| > little purpose for the semicolon after L4.
Yeah, I didn't feel very comfortable with 'TO' receiving the brunt
of the emphasis, but for the way the poem came to me quickly enough,
why sweat an arguably misplaced syllable here and there?
| > I'd prefer a period to avoid lengthening this sentence unnecessarily.
What, no objections about contractions? T'was is more than decidedly
archaic, even if we still run into it from time to time.
| > The rest of the work follows strict iambic meter. This is
| > entirely appropriate to humourous verse.
More than that, it is entirely appropriate to the most natural cadence
of the English language. If you perform a statistical analysis on
English poetry, you will see that iambic poems are all over the place
here. They are the rule more than the exception.
| > Indeed, I might go as far as to say that it is a signature of the
| > genre. My main objection is that, while certainly light, it isn't
| > really funny.
Ah, but what IS funny? (And why do I feel like Pontius Pilatus suddenly
having to opine on the universality of truth or reality?) Doesn't humor
involve a buildup, a crescendo, and an ironic or surprising reversal?
| > and what she wore then was all black,
| > her lips and lashes too;
| > and like that time she stands up slack,
| > and rises from what's blue;
still rises from what's blue;
| > the weeds from shoulder down they drape
| > and drip there sopping wet,
| > her muddy dressing gown's a cape
| > and still as black as jet.
| >
| > They tip their hat at that and say
| > as by her they so pass,
| > "The maid there standing dark and grey
| > is one true Gothic Lass."
| >
| > Conclusion:
| >
| > Humourous verse demands strict meter but allows more leeway
| > everywhere else: e.g. archaicism, inversion and cliché. The
| > writer isn't trying to "wow" the reader; the writer is merely
| > trying to entertain the reader.
Good poetry is inherently musical, or nearly musical in the rendition,
and - as written - should please the ear; and here I am losing my
hearing, darn the luck. Now, if it brings up a surprising point or
two, or an interesting juxtaposition of concepts, so much the better,
and it waltzes around on the fine line that separates rhetoric from
poetry.
| > Now let us contrast this to the first stanza (note that a
| > "paragraph" of metrical verse is a "stanza" while a theme--roughly,
| > a paragraph--of free verse is a "strophe") from Bill Orr's "The
| > Lighthouse".
| >
| > The Lighthouse
| >
| > A lighthouse stands on a rocky shore,
| > de DUM de DUM de de DUM de DUM
| >
| > Believe it or not, this is okay as iamb.
It's perfectly iambic if you transform 'on' to 'upon.' But then,
five foot iambic verse is not encountered as often in English
as four foot verse is.
| > "On a" involves small "insignificant" words without hard sounds
| > ("at its", for example, might not work as well). Such insertions
| > are not just tolerable in non-humourous poems; they are *necessary*
| > in order to break up the sing-song monotone of strict meter-
| > -especially strict trochee or iamb.
In the native ear is where necessity finds its truest home.
| > Aside from the unimaginative language, so far, so good.
| >
| > a finger pointing up reaching over the tide
| > de DUM de DUM de DUM DUM de DUMde de DUM
| >
| > One *might* get away with the latter insertion, "OVer the
| > TIDE", for the same reasons as in L1 and because "over" could
| > be contracted to "o'er" in a pinch. Still, I'd want to try to
| > coordinate the insertion better, perhaps aligning it with the
| > one in L1 so that it comes in the third foot. Alternatively, I
| > might try to establish the iamb via one strictly metered line
| > out of the first two.
| >
| > The insertion of a stressed syllable ("UP REACHing") is
| > where most experienced readers would stop.
| >
| > Having butchered iambic meter the writer now turns his
| > wrath on trochee:
| >
| > like an eye open wide at the ocean's door
| > DUM de DUM DUMde DUM de de DUM de DUM
Could be anapestic with last syllable stressed:
like an EYE open WIDE at the OCEAN's DOOR
dadda DUM dadda DUM dadda DUMPTY-DUM
| > ...or what I can only guess was an attempt at trochee.
| >
| > Scansion is not *that* difficult to learn. Most can do
| > it simply by reading a line aloud, noting where the stresses
| > lie, and gunning for either perfect (for humourous poetry)
| > or slightly imperfect (for serious poetry) rhythm. Perhaps
| > the writer's refusal to read any poetry extends to his own.
| > Given the quality, who can blame him?
| >
| > What remains is virtually everything we hope to avoid
| > in verse: tired language, twisted syntax, inversion,
| > presumptive personification, incorrect punctuation and
| > complete inattention to sonics.
| >
| > with a beam of light as a seaman's guide.
This could have been transformed into anapestic verse by changing 'beam'
into 'tunnel' or 'pathway.'
| > It has stood this spot in the century past,
| > a monument there rising above the rocks
| > with white round walls like a sailing mast,
| > existing past the time that the present mocks.
| >
| > The tender's house beside it stands
| > with it's red tile roof and bleached white walls
| > like an artist's painting as the vision pans
| > of a seascape rendering that the eye recalls.
It sounds okay to me, and could serve as a model for me to rewrite
it in a completely different meter, effecting a companion poem of
sorts.
| > Conclusion:
| >
| > Serious verse allows--no, *demands*--some variation
| > from strict meter (i.e. when you're trying to tell a serious
| > story you don't want to sound like Dr. Seuss) but requires
| > a level of fresh, modern, unstilted language second only
| > to free verse.
| >
| > Best regards,
| >
| > Colin
|
| A most excellent critique and explanation of the art. I shall print this
| and refer to it in the future. Thanks Colin, an invaluable lesson to those
| of us who (until now) never fully understood the subtleties of iambic.
| Appreciated.
We ought to hold a contest for the rarest of English verses - anapestic.
Colin Ward
<mon...@aracnet.com> wrote:
>| > Note the strict iamb:
>| >
>| > L O R E L A I
>| >
>| > a GOTHic MAID t'was LOReLAI,
>| > her LOCKS now WET with WEEDS,
>| > who TO the DEEP once FELL to DIE,
>| > from WEIGHT of NECKlace BEADS;
>| >
>| > I'd like to avoid a stress falling on such an "insignificant"
>| > word as "TO" in L3, see no purpose for the comma after L3 and
>| > little purpose for the semicolon after L4.
>
>Yeah, I didn't feel very comfortable with 'TO' receiving the brunt
>of the emphasis, but for the way the poem came to me quickly enough,
>why sweat an arguably misplaced syllable here and there?
Because your name is attached to it. If we don't take care and
pride in our work why should anyone bother reading it? Can we really
expect readers to care more about our work than we do?
>| > I'd prefer a period to avoid lengthening this sentence unnecessarily.
>
>What, no objections about contractions? T'was is more than decidedly
>archaic, even if we still run into it from time to time.
I can't see any problem with contractions as long as they don't
clash with the voice. Any reservations I might have about "t'was"
would revolve around its necessity and appropriateness. While there
may be nothing technically wrong with "a Gothic maid it was Lorelai"
the syntax seems more strained to this reader than the simpler "A
Gothic made was Lorelai".
>| > The rest of the work follows strict iambic meter. This is
>| > entirely appropriate to humourous verse.
>
>More than that, it is entirely appropriate to the most natural cadence
>of the English language. If you perform a statistical analysis on
>English poetry, you will see that iambic poems are all over the place
>here. They are the rule more than the exception.
Iambic poems are, indeed, by far the most common. In serious
poetry, though, *strict* iambic works are comparatively rare.
>| > Indeed, I might go as far as to say that it is a signature of the
>| > genre. My main objection is that, while certainly light, it isn't
>| > really funny.
>
>Ah, but what IS funny? (And why do I feel like Pontius Pilatus suddenly
>having to opine on the universality of truth or reality?) Doesn't humor
>involve a buildup, a crescendo, and an ironic or surprising reversal?
Perhaps. All of which are missing from this piece, of
course.
>| > and what she wore then was all black,
>| > her lips and lashes too;
>| > and like that time she stands up slack,
>| > and rises from what's blue;
>
> still rises from what's blue;
>
>| > the weeds from shoulder down they drape
>| > and drip there sopping wet,
>| > her muddy dressing gown's a cape
>| > and still as black as jet.
>| >
>| > They tip their hat at that and say
>| > as by her they so pass,
>| > "The maid there standing dark and grey
>| > is one true Gothic Lass."
Best regards,
Colin