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So Still (rewrite)

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Paul heslop

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Apr 28, 2001, 7:37:16 PM4/28/01
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Child,
hung so delicate
from your rope
as if playing at puppetry
pallid skin rising
mouth agape
sleeping
forever

Rising slow
you wear your wound
like a jewel
at your throat
water washed away
the crimson tide
leaving only
the gash

Air heavy
with silent screams
a country should cry
a world should weep
and your death should not be
in vain
but
it was


--
Paul
--------------------------------------------------------------
"My brain hurt like a warehouse,
it had no room to spare"
--------------------------------------------------------------
My other side...
http://dreamst8.homestead.com/index.html
---------------------------------------------------------------

Ann Marie

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Apr 29, 2001, 8:13:03 AM4/29/01
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I like this - it seems rythmic...Do you ever work in syllabics? I almost
thought this was (same syllables for each corresponding line for each verse )
but there must be something else going on here - I dig it...

Only real problem - "silent screams" - it seems a powerful poem like this needs
something less cliche and more powerful...I know you can think of something
good to replace it...

smiles...
amp

Paul heslop

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Apr 29, 2001, 6:51:53 PM4/29/01
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I was trying to get across that it was a still photo but it's dificult,
the original was more from the heart. As for the syllabic idea, again
it's something I haven't tried...yet! thanks for the idea, it's handy
having someone who knows what they are doing Ann Marie! :O)
--
Paul
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Who's been wearing Miranda's clothes?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
for art's sake...
http://dreamst8.homestead.com/index.html
---------------------------------------------------------------

Ann Marie

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Apr 29, 2001, 9:38:12 PM4/29/01
to
Maybe the best idea to get the message accross about still photo is to title it
that way - not just "so still," but imagine something like "poem written on a
photograph of a ----" or something like that, so the reader can not only have
the words in the head, but perhaps a little of the original image as well?
Just an idea...

Plus, are some photos not still? I like the idea of "still life," but that
implies the whole artist painting fruit thing...

I challenge you to a syllabic poem -should we do it? I'll write one if you
write one - say all the lines are in some set of syllabic regularity - like
every line 7 syllables or 9 syllables or alternating - my poetry professor
always suggests those numbers because she says they sound more natural. I
haven't experimented enough with it yet to say if she's right, but I imagine
she is (she's got two books of poetry published now to my none)...

amp

Paul heslop

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Apr 29, 2001, 10:23:08 PM4/29/01
to

I'll have a bash at the syllable thing, but gimme a few hours to get
over our little friend first! You make the rules.
I am thinking of trying to get the original photograph to accompany my
Still poem, but it will be heavily copyrighted. believe it or not the
image was from a '98 yearbook of news photographs, this one being the
image of a small child being hoisted from a well in Albania, the whole
village having been murdered and dumped in there. The authorities
thought they had been kidnapped. My first impressions, as in my original
poem were that the child had fallen and was being rescued, but then I
realised that the 'neckerchief' I saw at the throat was in fact an
enormous gash. My heart really did break. I have seen some bad things in
my life but couldn't understand how a grown man or woman could have done
this, and not to just one child, but all of them....I apologise for the
rant, but mankind sometimes really lets me down! :O(

Ann Marie

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Apr 30, 2001, 8:25:20 AM4/30/01
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Wow - yeah - I get a lot of my ideas from news articles, too - but I didn't see
this one. It's so sad and scary to think about - I think maybe a little story
describing picture in italics before the poem would serve your purpose -
especially the way you told me you thought at first the kid was being rescued -


Umm - syllabics...I don't know - PLUS, I wasn't thinking of a few hours, I was
thinking I'd need a few days (I'm in final exams /paper writing in school)!
Okay - rules: Um, just to be arbitrary, I say seven syllable lines. Any kind
of verse form we want, as long as all lines = seven syllables.

speaking of our friend, can you BELIEVE some people? Yuckaroni.

amp

Steven Schlesher

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Apr 30, 2001, 9:03:51 AM4/30/01
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here are some suggestions about your work:

> Child,
> hung so delicate
> from your rope
> as if playing at puppetry
> pallid skin rising
> mouth agape
> sleeping
> forever

AND you objected to a poem about the pleasures of pedopila?
what hypocrisy!

> Rising slow
> you wear your wound
> like a jewel
> at your throat
> water washed away
> the crimson tide
> leaving only
> the gash

this is the worst poem i ever read

> Air heavy
> with silent screams
> a country should cry
> a world should weep
> and your death should not be
> in vain
> but
> it was

not only does the world not give a shit about this suicide,
you make sure of it by the way you write abouot it.

why dont you do yourself a favor and stop writing?

love,

stevie no wonder


> Paul

Paul heslop

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Apr 30, 2001, 7:13:16 PM4/30/01
to

First the Syllabics...however long you need. I'd like to have a look at
what you do to see if I get the idea. I don't normally have constraints.
:O)
As for the sicko, he hasn't even bothered to find out what is my subject
and thinks I'm some kind of sicko like him...ah well. It's a sad and
stark image I was trying to describe. If he thinks the old man is not
for a fight he will be finding out how mistaken he can be, but for now I
will let it rest. Thanks for trying to limit the anger, if nothing else
it has brought some sense to this painful altercation.

c.bekker

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May 6, 2001, 6:58:06 PM5/6/01
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-Paul-
real talent is hard to find-looks like you've got it!
-corlien-
"Paul heslop" <paul....@cableinet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:3AEB5435...@cableinet.co.uk...

Paul heslop

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May 6, 2001, 8:29:58 PM5/6/01
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"c.bekker" wrote:
>
> -Paul-
> real talent is hard to find-looks like you've got it!
> -corlien-

Flattery will get you anywhere! Thanks for the compliment, but just glad
that you found it interesting....(I still don't think enjoyable is an
appropriate word when it comes to the subject matter)
Paul
--------------------------------------------------------------
"My heart is broke, but I have some glue"
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Never judge a work of art by it's defects..." W.A.
http://dreamst8.homestead.com/index.html
---------------------------------------------------------------

nessa

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May 9, 2001, 5:54:58 AM5/9/01
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where's the original? i'd love to read it.
a beautiful song, delicate, like a small prayer, whispered in the dark and
smoke....

Paul heslop <paul....@cableinet.co.uk> wrote in article
<3AEB5435...@cableinet.co.uk>...

Paul heslop

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May 10, 2001, 5:39:43 AM5/10/01
to
nessa wrote:
>
> where's the original? i'd love to read it.
> a beautiful song, delicate, like a small prayer, whispered in the dark and
> smoke....
>
Thank you. The original isn't too far away, in here, 28.04.01. I still
prefer it as it was from the heart. I had a third go on my web site too,
but the first is still my favourite and the only one that someone said
reduced them to tears, the effect I wished to cause. Thanks again.

--

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