Lawyer joke
Skippy at large
Canonical List Of Lawyer Humor (Court
Jester)
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Table of Contents
Riddles
Courtroom Humor
Law Humor
Lawyer Humor
Riddles
-= riddles =-= 1
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
-= riddles =-= 2
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
-= riddles =-= 3
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
-= riddles =-= 4
=-----------------------------------------------------------
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein
and a
lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets.
Who do you
shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
-= riddles =-= 5
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
-= riddles =-= 6
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
-= riddles =-= 7
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
-= riddles =-= 8
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
-= riddles =-= 9
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the
road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-= riddles =-= 10
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in
the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
-= riddles =-= 11
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
-= riddles =-= 12
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
-= riddles =-= 13
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
or
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
-= riddles =-= 14
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering
wheel.
-= lawyer humor =-= 15
=------------------------------------------------------
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their
experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with, 2) lawyers are more
expendable,
3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats, 4) lab assistants are
less likely
to develop a bond or feel sympathy for them, 5) rats arouse more
feelings of
compassion and humanity, 6) they multiply faster, 7) rats have an
inate right to
life and liberty, 8) animal rights groups will not object to their
torture, 9)
rats have more dignity, and 10) there are some things even a rat won't
do.
What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in
laboratory
experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
-= riddles =-= 16
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
-= riddles =-= 17
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
-= riddles =-= 18
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
-= riddles =-= 19
=-----------------------------------------------------------
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
-= riddles =-= 20
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
-= riddles =-= 21
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
-= riddles =-= 22
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
-= riddles =-= 23
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
-= riddles =-= 24
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
-= riddles =-= 25
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
-= riddles =-= 26
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
-= riddles =-= 27
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
-= riddles =-= 28
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers.
Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
-= riddles =-= 29
=-----------------------------------------------------------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
-= riddles =-= 30
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
-= riddles =-= 31
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
-= riddles =-= 32
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
-= riddles =-= 33
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
-= riddles =-= 34
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a
Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
-= riddles =-= 35
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
-= riddles =-= 36
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
-= riddles =-= 37
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
-= riddles =-= 38
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
-= riddles =-= 39
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
-= riddles =-= 40
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
-= riddles =-= 41
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
-= riddles =-= 42
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.
-= riddles =-= 43
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
-= riddles =-= 44
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
-= riddles =-= 45
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral
disability.
-= riddles =-= 46
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the
hook, and
must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
-= riddles =-= 47
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to
shoot
them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna
sue!" or
"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
-= riddles =-= 48
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
-= riddles =-= 49
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas has some dignity.
-= riddles =-= 50
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
-= riddles =-= 51
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
-= riddles =-= 52
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.
-= riddles =-= 53
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.
-= riddles =-= 54
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
-= riddles =-= 55
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
-= riddles =-= 56
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
-= riddles =-= 57
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
-= riddles =-= 58
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his
outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
-= riddles =-= 59
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
-= riddles =-= 60
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
-= riddles =-= 61
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
-= riddles =-= 62
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
-= riddles =-= 63
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
-= riddles =-= 64
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
-= riddles =-= 65
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why are lawyers great in bed?
They get so much practice screwing people.
-= riddles =-= 66
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
-= riddles =-= 67
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a
solicitor?
-= riddles =-= 68
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
-= riddles =-= 69
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
-= riddles =-= 70
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-= riddles =-= 71
=-----------------------------------------------------------
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
-= riddles =-= 72
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
-= riddles =-= 73
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
-= riddles =-= 74
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
About 3 1/2 if you slice them thin enough.
-= riddles =-= 75
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
The tie around a lawyer's neck.
-= riddles =-= 76
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
-= riddles =-= 77
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar
Association?
Yogurt has culture.
-= riddles =-= 78
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
-= riddles =-= 79
=-----------------------------------------------------------
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
-= riddles =-= 80
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many
toxic waste
dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.
-= riddles =-= 81
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
-= riddles =-= 82
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.
-= riddles =-= 83
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died
that they
couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
-= riddles =-= 84
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps
depicting
famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
-= riddles =-= 85
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership,
Cachem and
Sioux?
-= riddles =-= 86
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.
-= riddles =-= 87
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
-= riddles =-= 88
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
before the
criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
after the
criminal gets arrested?
A lawyer.
-= riddles =-= 89
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down
the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill. Who
gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
-= riddles =-= 90
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been
there
eight hours.
-= riddles =-= 91
=-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: None, lawyers only screw us.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: How many can you afford?
A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by
standing up and
shouting "Objection!"
A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying
power, or
negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn
out in the
first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and
9 to sue
the bulb manufacturers.
A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,
one to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one
to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to
change the
bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated
task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the
following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
"Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the
lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but
not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder
or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of
disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner
consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the
party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described
in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
that the
rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also
being
non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by
him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A9: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the
following bill:
Item Light bulb
Charge $2185
(Itemization of bill charges)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
Connectivity charge $ 100
Staff charge $ 250
Secretary prepared bill $ 2
Research fee $ 422
Consulting fee $ 431
Paralegal processing fees $ 25
Specialized equipment $ 122
Bought bulb $ 5
Overnight express delivery $ 34
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394
A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and
one to sue
the ladder company.
-= riddles =-= 92
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
-= riddles =-= 93
=-----------------------------------------------------------
Why has the Baptist church quit baptizing lawyers?
Because they can't get the ring out of the baptismal tub.
(Baptism in the Baptist church involves complete immersion in what
looks like a
very large bathtub.)
-= riddles =-= 94
=-----------------------------------------------------------
What did the disgruntled laywer say?
Get off my case!
Courtroom Humor
-= courtroom humor =-= 1
=---------------------------------------------------
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best
lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
-= courtroom humor =-= 2
=---------------------------------------------------
Between the pigeons and the politicians, it's hard to keep the
courthouse clean.
-= courtroom humor =-= 3
=---------------------------------------------------
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under
the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting
a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
looking
to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers
in the main
lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this
would be a
novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the
defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge
started
getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three
hours, the
judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the
jury-room to see
what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict
yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
-= courtroom humor =-= 4
=---------------------------------------------------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor
Green came
over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when
you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What
could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what
you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there
was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out
to be a
gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why
were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
treated
hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It
never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No,
there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your
ilk make
me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
diagnosis.
A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've
changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the
malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is
the only
place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
appeal your
case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
kidney
stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at
him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones.
Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room
6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a
lot of
pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce
of
Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined
the
patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it
now. Do you
mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the
lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass
the kidney stone?"
-= courtroom humor =-= 5
=---------------------------------------------------
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were
walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
lady
walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give
$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise,
the young
lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you
up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after
bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her
apartment. The
following morning, the man presented her with $25. 00 as he prepared
to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the
other
$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see
you get it
on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering
his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his
lawyer and
explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't
possibly get a
judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to
see how her
case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the
court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property,
a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the
sum of
$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for
the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises,
he paid
only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
excessive, since
it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the
defendant
to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was
impressed and
amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense,
therefore,
was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present
it. "Your
honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of
property,
that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure
was derived
from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property
around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all
labor
performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the
property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately
compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that
judgement not
be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my
client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However,
had the
defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented
the
property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed
the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not
only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much
larger than
it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable
to
others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
And it was. She won the case...
-= courtroom humor =-= 6
=---------------------------------------------------
Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years,
unexpectedly
drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz,
Sam's best
friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes
to divide
Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of
Sam's
family, Stu reads the will:
"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were
such a good
friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other
hand, there
are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know
you can
make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you
want to
her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors
and tells
them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty
thousand
dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of
marriage
and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in
court
arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his
verdict: "To
Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested
money. The
remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless
to say,
the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you
do this?
The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her
and take the
rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"
The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his
whole life.
He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see
his family
taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread
his
instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are,
so with his
family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her
and keep
the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want
to HER; and
keep the rest for yourself."
-= courtroom humor =-= 7
=---------------------------------------------------
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating
what
happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd
remember
his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You
couldn't see
my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
-= courtroom humor =-= 8
=---------------------------------------------------
Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following
his sixth
drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December
1990) to get
into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the
jail was
full. In December, Dukes filed a lawsuit in federal court claiming
that his
constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to
admit him.
-= courtroom humor =-= 9
=---------------------------------------------------
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw
manufacturer began
marketing their product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably
larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with
great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional
warnings,
including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the
chainsaw
with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they
were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was
injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since
the manual
specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the
Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything
that
stupid.
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had
a label
on them stating:
Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the
ladder up on a
manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.
-= courtroom humor =-= 10
=---------------------------------------------------
A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had
previously
pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four
men, had
been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his
plea.
"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead
'guilty'?"
"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't
know women
would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool
eight of
them."
-= courtroom humor =-= 11
=---------------------------------------------------
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people
that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
-= courtroom humor =-= 12
=---------------------------------------------------
A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile
collision. "Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.
"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each
other at about
the same time."
-= courtroom humor =-= 13
=---------------------------------------------------
The U. S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling
case in which
the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because
the office
is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.
-= courtroom humor =-= 14
=---------------------------------------------------
There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a
small
southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before
the local
Justice of the Peace.
The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the
spot.
The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and
handed the
old ticket.
The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I
paid my
fine!" Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three,
you get a
bicycle!"
-= courtroom humor =-= 15
=---------------------------------------------------
In 1993 in Bangladesh, Falu Mia, 60, was released from prison after 21
years.
He had been locked up until his trial for theft in 1972, then found
not guilty,
but a lethargic bureaucracy failed to release him. He recently filed
a lawsuit
against the government for 21 years' back wages (about $26,000).
-= courtroom humor =-= 16
=---------------------------------------------------
From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases"
selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen.
The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of
the
psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not
see the need
for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a
fencepost.
Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.
Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test
alcohol content?
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard
5710A with
flame analyzation detectors.
The Court: Can you get that with mag wheels?
Witness: Only on the floor models.
Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that
there is
a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it
that you did
find some cracking.
Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be
in court
just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put
minimum in
there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack
somewhere.
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I
won't.
Counsel: Move to strike -
The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is
worth the
whole trial.
Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an
unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the
naval.
Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
-= courtroom humor =-= 17
=---------------------------------------------------
From "The Houston Chronicle"
A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case says he
believes Max
the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in
her
bedroom two years ago. But an attempt to get the African gray
parrot's
testimony into evidence last week was blocked by the judge.
Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his cage two days after
Gill's murder.
After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop, the shop's
owner said
the bird began to cry out, "Richard, no, no, no!" The man charged in
the case
is Gill's business partner, and his name is not Richard. He says he
is
innocent.
Gary Dixon, a private investigator working on the case, surmised
that the
bird is now in a witness-protection program. "Max's identity has been
changed,
and he is now a macaw," he said.
-= courtroom humor =-= 18
=---------------------------------------------------
In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the
prosecutor's
office on his way to court to represent a new client in a criminal
case. Just
outside the office, he saw two officers chasing a man down the hall,
and he
joined in to help. After the three men caught the escapee and
handcuffed him,
Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court
to
represent.
-= courtroom humor =-= 19
=---------------------------------------------------
From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90:
Naples, Italy(AP): ...the claim (for damages) involves an accident in
March
involving a medium-sized Regatta and a tiny Panda car. The young man
claimed he
and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when
the large
car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control,
resulting
in pregnancy. The suit demands compensation for the cost of repairing
the Panda
and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have after
discovering the
woman was pregnant.
-= courtroom humor =-= 20
=---------------------------------------------------
In February 1994, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused murderer Donald
Leroy Evans,
38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan
robe in
the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by "the
honorable and
respected name of Hi Hitler." According to the courthouse employees
interviewed
by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers were
saying "Hi
Hitler" rather than "Heil, Hitler."
-= courtroom humor =-= 21
=---------------------------------------------------
Heard through friends:
Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a
"Three
Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was
considering
the following amendment:
Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the
third
strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs
you.
-= courtroom humor =-= 22
=---------------------------------------------------
Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in
February 1994
for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse.
Her
deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that
he wanted
his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but
the state
Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request
would subject
a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.
-= courtroom humor =-= 23
=---------------------------------------------------
From the Dallas Morning News:
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition
of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the
immediate
influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as
when a
spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband
in bed
with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I
could have
shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
-= courtroom humor =-= 24
=---------------------------------------------------
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff. "You
claim," he
jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand.
But is it
not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not
much good
in a fight."
-= courtroom humor =-= 25
=---------------------------------------------------
Columbia, S.C. (AP) - A retired judge drew 1 1/2 years in prison
for
awarding a woman child support and custody of her child in exchange
for sex.
The woman's lawyer, who arranged the trysts, got a two-year
sentence and a
$1,500 fine from by Circuit Judge Thomas Cooper. Former Family Court
Judge Sam
Mendenhall, who retired in 1992, pleaded guilty Monday to misconduct.
The
lawyer, Samuel Fewell, pleaded guilty to conspiracy. Mendenhall, 54,
and Fewell,
58, are former state legislators.
Dorothy Carpenter said Mendenhall awarded her custody and child
support in
1983 and 1984 in exchange for sex. Carpenter said she also had sex
with Fewell
in exchange for legal services but fired him in 1985 after he and the
judge grew
too demanding.
Carpenter, who is facing unrelated arson charges, filed a complaint
against
Mendenhall and Fewell in 1991 with the state Supreme Court, which
oversees the
judicial system. She said her lawyer in the arson case urged her to
file the
complaint.
Carpenter is charged with conspiracy in connection with a 1991 fire
in her
Clover home that killed two people. The case is pending.
Fewell's sentence will run concurrently with a 2 1/2-year federal
sentence he
received in March for cocaine possession and tax evasion.
-= courtroom humor =-= 26
=---------------------------------------------------
Found in the April 1992 issue of "The Working Communicator":
From the Salt Lake City Deseret News:
"Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant"
From the Jackson, Mississippi Clarion-Ledger:
"Suicides Asked To Reconsider"
From the Sacramento Bee:
"Drug Firm Ordered To Supply Women"
From the San Francisco Examiner:
"New Autos To Hit 5 Million"
From the Honolulu Pacific Business News:
"Office Building Permits Plunge"
-= courtroom humor =-= 27
=---------------------------------------------------
The lawsuit Irene Geschke, then age 55, filed against a mortgage
company in 1979
in Chicago has passed its 15th anniversary without coming to trial.
There have
been more than 530 motions and orders, and nine dates for trial have
come and
gone. Geschke claims the mortgage company caused her to go out of
business when
it wrongly foreclosed on a loan and is now acting as her lawyer,
managing the
one ton of legal documents involved in the case.
-= courtroom humor =-= 28
=---------------------------------------------------
Apparently weary of interfamily bickering in the federal bankruptcy
case of
Judith Herskowitz of Florida, Judge Jay Cristol ordered Herskowitz in
March to
"obtain and mail to" her sister Susan Charney, at least five days
before Susan's
next birthday, a card which reads "Happy Birthday, Sister" and
contains the
signature of Ms. Herskowitz. Further, Cristol ordered that "the card
shall not
contain any negative, inflammatory, or unkind remarks."
-= courtroom humor =-= 29
=---------------------------------------------------
Questions Asked Of Supreme Court Nominees
Have you read all the John Grisham novels?
Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
Jockeys or boxers?
What do you like on your pizza?
Asphinctersays WHAT?
How 'bout that O.J. mess?
Okay, let's say a long-time senator from a very famous family goes for
a drive
with his secretary, and kind of, ya know, drives off a bridge or
something,
killing the babe; he wouldn't be guilty, would he?
Ever done Madonna?
Should the rabbit be allowed to eat Trix?
Is justice a) eagle-eyed, b) sorta near-sighted, or c) blind as a bat?
Is that Regis Philbin just nuts or what?
Have you ever appeared, or do you ever plan to appear in a Bruce
Willis movie?
How come you don't have a babe-magnet beard like Bork's?
Got any naked photos of your illegal nanny?
Can you give Justice Souter a lift to work when his mom's sick?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
-= courtroom humor =-= 30
=---------------------------------------------------
In Pittsburgh in March of 1994, Donita Jo Artis, 24, told prosecutors
and the
judge, after being denied custody of her 3-year-old son and sentenced
to prison
for beating him until he was blind, deaf, and unable to walk, "You
guys are so
unfair."
-= courtroom humor =-= 31
=---------------------------------------------------
In June 1994 in London, lawyers for convicted murderer Stephen Young
filed an
appeal after learning from one juror that three other jurors had
conducted a
Ouija board seance during jury deliberations and "contacted" the dead
man, who
named Young as the killer.
-= courtroom humor =-= 32
=---------------------------------------------------
The World's Worst Juror
(from "Book of Heroic Failures", by Stephen Pile)
It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court on
an
unusually warm and sultry day. One of the jurors fell asleep just as
the victim
was being questioned by the prosecuting counsel.
"Would you," he asked, "tell the court precisely what the defendant
said to
you before the attack?"
"No, she would not." she said. "It was far too crude and
shocking."
"Would you be prepared to write it down?"
And she did, with every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking,
a promise
that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with what the
rapist
planned to do to his victim), and the paper was passed to the judge,
learned
counsel, the clerk of the court, and the jury.
In the second row, our hero slumbered on until he was suddenly
woken by a
sharp nudge from the smiling brunette next to him. She passed the
note to him.
He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour, read it
again,
winked at the woman, and slipped the note in his pocket.
When the judge demanded the note back, the juror refused. It was,
he said, a
private matter.
-= courtroom humor =-= 33
=---------------------------------------------------
The Lord Giveth, The Feds Taketh Away
Associated Press - When William H. Irvin III received a government
check for
$836,939.19 in June, 1992, he considered it a gift from God since he
had
recently prayed for self-sufficiency. A federal court jury in Kansas
City, Mo.,
was unmoved: it was a computer error, they said, not God, which
boosted his
$183.69 check to the higher amount. Convicted of knowingly spending
government
money, filing a false tax return and money laundering, he faces 43
years in
prison and a $1.25 million fine.
-= courtroom humor =-= 34
=---------------------------------------------------
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the
penalty for
murder.
-= courtroom humor =-= 35
=---------------------------------------------------
Judge: Why did you kick Mr. Smith in the crotch?
Defendant: How was I supposed to know he was going to suddenly turn
around?
-= courtroom humor =-= 36
=---------------------------------------------------
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a
farmer
with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance
agent.
Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you
had never
felt better in your life?
Farmer: That's right.
Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously
injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?
Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had
a broken
leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all
banged up,
and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the
circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt
better in my
life.
-= courtroom humor =-= 37
=---------------------------------------------------
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has
collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books,
'Humor in
the Court' (1977) and 'More Humor in the Court', published a few
months ago.
From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and
said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What
school do you
go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
was a
victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with
respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of
my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch,
and she
did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
-= courtroom humor =-= 38
=---------------------------------------------------
Another Real-Life Courtroom Quote
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
and you
didn't scream?
A: No ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
-= courtroom humor =-= 39
=---------------------------------------------------
According to Department of Justice figures, 30,000 inmate lawsuits
were filed
last year (added to heavy backlogs, more than 28,000 inmate lawsuits
in New York
alone) against prison officials for "civil rights" violations, the
vast majority
described by judges and court officials as frivolous.
Among the lawsuits were those prisoners complaining that the prison
canteen
supplied "creamy" peanut butter when a prisoner bought "crunchy", that
guards
wouldn't refrigerate his ice cream snack so that he could eat it later
($1
million lawsuit), that his toilet seat was too cold, that, as an
inmate-paralegal in the prison law library, he should make the same
wage that
lawyers make, that prisons should offer salad bars ($129 million),
that a limit
on the number of Kool-Aid refills is "cruel and unusual punishment",
and that
the scrambled eggs were cooked too hard.
In New York, 20 percent of the entire budget of the Attorney
General's office
is spent on prisoner lawsuits. budget
-= courtroom humor =-= 40
=---------------------------------------------------
Amil Dinsio, 58, filed a $15 million lawsuit in May of 1994 against
the United
Carolina Bank in Charlotte, N.C. from his federal prison in Loretto,
Pa., where
he is serving four years for robbing the bank in 1992. Sentencing
guidelines
call for consideration of the amount of money involved in the robbery,
and
Dinsio accused the bank of fraudulently inflating the amount,
resulting in his
spending an extra 16 months in prison.
-= courtroom humor =-= 41
=---------------------------------------------------
Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the last
year:
The stolen car fairy? - judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't
know how a
number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.
Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in
the
Criminal Code. - judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders
to leave
an area, yelling "sieg heil" and goose-stepping away.
He is a consumer of judicial services. - judge explaining the
politically
correct way to refer to a criminal.
So how old is your twin brother? - judge to a man who had stolen a
car with his
twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18 years
old.
This isn't "Let's Make a Deal." Do you see any doors up here? -
judge to a man
who, when asked to choose between a large fine and a short jail term
for an
impaired driving conviction, wanted to know the range of each to
compare them
and then decide.
-= courtroom humor =-= 42
=---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A British court threw out a paternity suit against Boy George. The
magistrate
found the case a little odd...not to mention the defendant.
-= courtroom humor =-= 43
=---------------------------------------------------
In May 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower court
decision
dismissing Richard Overton's $10,000 1991 lawsuit against
Anheuser-Busch for
false advertising. In the lawsuit, Overton had said he suffered
physical and
mental injury and emotional distress because the implicit promises in
the
company's advertisements, especially of success with women, did not
materialize
for him when he drank its product. Besides that, Overton contended,
he
sometimes got sick when he drank.
-= courtroom humor =-= 44
=---------------------------------------------------
Ex-student Jason Wilkins sued the University of Idaho in July of 1994
for
$940,000 to pay for injuries he suffered when he fell through a third
story
window while mooning students. Wilkins had climbed onto a
three-foot-high
heater to reach the window but claimed the university should have
posted
warnings.
-= courtroom humor =-= 45
=---------------------------------------------------
The sentencing of Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales by Judge Roy Bean
(1881):
Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks, it will
be spring.
The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will
become
soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the
annual miracle
of the years will awaken and come to pass. But you won't be there.
The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea. The timid
desert flowers
will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this
imperial domain
will blossom as the rose. Still, you will not be here to see.
From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating
song.
Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease
the tassels
of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar
Gonzales, will be
glad. But you will not be here to enjoy it.
Because I command the sheriff of the county to lead you away to
some remote
spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak,
and let
you hang until dead. And the, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I
further
command that such officer retire quickly from your dangling corpse,
that
vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until
nothing shall
remain but bare, bleached bones of a coldblooded, bloodthirsty,
throat-cutting,
murdering S.O.B."
-= courtroom humor =-= 46
=---------------------------------------------------
Evidence produced at the Camden, New Jersey, kidnapping trial of James
A.
Howard, 39, revealed that he had done substantial library research on
the crime,
calculating the average prison sentence to be seven years and fixing
at $500,000
the amount that would justify his risk in taking the teenage son of an
Atlantic
City businessman.
-= courtroom humor =-= 47
=---------------------------------------------------
eye Weekly January 5 1994
Toronto's arts newspaper .....free every Thursday
Naked Eye Naked Eye
Will You Have A Fried Crotch With That, Ma'am?
by
William Burrill
In sue-happy America, a woman wins a $2.9 million lawsuit against
McDonald's for
spilling a steaming hot coffee on her very own crotch. Thus
encouraged, another
reportedly rather large plaintiff files suit for emotional harm caused
by the
fact that she fell off the toilet while taking a dump at Mc.D's. This
could be
the start of a whole new trend:
Here are then suggested reasons to sue McDonald's for gazillions of
bucks in the
New Year (and, we at eye, of course, claim 15 per cent of any actual
settlements
because, after all, it was our idea).
* * *
1. Sue for permanent case of nausea from looking at pimples on workers
who cook
fries.
2. Sue for environmental guilt trip over having to throw away about 18
pieces of
plastic and StyroFoam containers and utensils after eating one
Mc-Hap-Hap-Happy-
Wappy Meal.
3. Sue because you are constantly, against your wishes, being asked to
have
"fries with that."
4. Sue because they never give you vinegar unless you specifically ask
for it.
It should be your RIGHT, goddammit!!!
5. Sue because the cheesy-faced mock-jolliness of staff is obviously a
deviously
conspired act to make you feel like a piece of shit because YOU aren't
working
for minimum wage.
6. Sue because you have to look at those bad polyester uniforms.
7. Sue because the blithering, blabbering dickweeds you are forced to
sit beside
are obviously inbred morons and your mental health might suffer from
Second-
Hand Stupidity.
8. Sue because, just because you're a writer who sleeps until four in
the
afternoon, you can't get a Big Breakfast after 11 a.m.
9. Sue because the lady in the lime green stretchie pants budded into
line ahead
of you, causing you permanent anxiety disorders.
10. Sue because they won't tell you what's in the Secret Sauce on the
Big Macs.
How do we know it's not bull jism or something? The public has a
right to know.
Issues of eye in archive gopher://interlog.com
Coupla Mailing lists available http://www.interlog.com/eye
e...@interlog.com "Break the Gutenberg Lock..." 416-971-8421
-= courtroom humor =-= 48
=---------------------------------------------------
In an October 1994 trial in Corpus Christi, Texas, involving alleged
indecent
activities by one man toward another in a men's room toilet stall,
both the
prosecutor and defense attorney brought into the courtroom full-size
models of
that particular stall in order to demonstrate what did or did not take
place.
-= courtroom humor =-= 49
=---------------------------------------------------
From a Universal Press Syndicate article:
In Detroit, the lawyer for accused murderer Rondelle Woods, 23,
delivered
part of his closing argument to the jury in rap: 'Went to a party,
sweet 16,
decided to stay on the scene.' Woods was acquitted.
But in Las Vegas in December, Eric Clark, 22, pleaded with the
judge, in rap
for a light sentence: 'I'm sellin' dope, and I as gettin' paid too
blind to see
how I was gettin' played.' He got 23 years.
-= courtroom humor =-= 50
=---------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, February 3, 1995
Top Ten Least Convincing Alibis
10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons.
9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant.
8. Home watching CBS primetime.
7. Playing ping pong with Carol Channing. (videotape of Dave and
Carol playing
ping pong)
6. Out buying hams for the audience!
5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich.
4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle.
3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice.
2. Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff.
1. I'm Batman!
-= courtroom humor =-= 51
=---------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, March 9, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Court TV
10. Recurring nightmare about being trapped in Ito's beard.
9. You've named your poodles "Rosa" and "Lopez".
8. You have overpowering urge to pay people to lie for you.
7. You've let both foreign and domestic policy slide for months.
(Bill Clinton
only)
6. When your kid breaks a neighbor's window, you yell, "Get in the
Bronco and
drive!"
5. All your erotic fantasies seem to involve bailiffs.
4. You ask MCI to add Johnnie Cochran to your Friends and Family
list.
3. Kato Kaelin no longer seems like a freeloading bonehead.
2. You go to the supermaket every day, but all you ever buy is O.J.
1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself.
[Music: "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello]
-= courtroom humor =-= 52
=---------------------------------------------------
In December 1994, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three
hours before
ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend Maurice
Poulin
for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow blade. Blair
claimed
that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair by accidentally
passing gas
in his face. In a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially
exited
the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas as he
walked by the
judge.
-= courtroom humor =-= 53
=---------------------------------------------------
Some trues examples of frivolous lawsuits in Texas:
A woman sued a man because he swore at her in traffic. He offered
to meet her
and apologize, but she refused and filed suit for $5,000. She won
$2,500 at the
trial court level, but the decision was reversed on appeal because she
failed to
prove her distress was more than what a reasonable person could
endure.
A man in Fort Worth filed a lawsuit against Elvis Presley
Enterprises,
contending that the King faked his death and ran off to live a normal
life. He
says he knows for certain that Elvis is alive because he has had
frequent
telephone calls from him.
A South Texas man borrowed his neighbor's lawn mower. While mowing
his own
yard, he fell and pulled the lawn mower over his own foot. He sued
his neighbor
for $235,000. The jury awarded him nothing.
An inmate sued the county jail because he claimed there was an
abundance of
feathers near his cell and he was allergic to feathers, which caused
his asthma
to act up. The assistant district attorney commented, "A jailbird
should never
be complaining about feathers." The inmate then sued the newspaper
that
reported the comment, claiming the guards made fun of him after they
read it.
Law Humor
-= law humor =-= 1
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is
a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to
warn
approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-= law humor =-= 2
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
-= law humor =-= 3
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing,
each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the
other has
gone.
In one of those "true facts" books there was an explanation for this
law. It
seems that one of the state senators did not want a law passed. To
keep this
particular law from passing, he attached the train law to it. He
hoped that his
fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see how
ridiculous it
was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and
passed
both laws. This may not be the real reason, but it sounds good. And
it might
explain some of the laws we have to live with.
-= law humor =-= 4
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah.
-= law humor =-= 5
=---------------------------------------------------------
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a
box of candy
weighing less than fifty pounds.
-= law humor =-= 6
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next
door
neighbor.
-= law humor =-= 7
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
-= law humor =-= 8
=---------------------------------------------------------
Years ago, I read that habeas corpus (the principle that a person
cannot be held
in jail without a warrant) originally passed in the English parliament
when the
person counting the votes jokingly counted a fat legislator as ten
votes.
According to the article, the bill would not have passed otherwise.
(If anyone
has a solid reference for this story, email it to me.
-= law humor =-= 9
=---------------------------------------------------------
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
-= law humor =-= 10
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of
concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
view."
-= law humor =-= 11
=---------------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles "Daily News":
Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress,
despite the
warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you
live in
Colorado. Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing
a label
from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress
inspector
jumping through the window for years," he said.
-= law humor =-= 12
=---------------------------------------------------------
San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have
ordinances
guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
-= law humor =-= 13
=---------------------------------------------------------
I understand that in Germany, there is a law that every office must
have a view
of the sky, however small. So the office buildings are all long and
skinny.
-= law humor =-= 14
=---------------------------------------------------------
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or
through any of
its streets.
-= law humor =-= 15
=---------------------------------------------------------
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
-= law humor =-= 16
=---------------------------------------------------------
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
-= law humor =-= 17
=---------------------------------------------------------
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's
Anti-Automobile
society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:
1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a
rocket every
mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."
2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of
the road and
cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been
painted to blend
into the scenery."
3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the
owner must
take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."
-= law humor =-= 18
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving
automobile.
-= law humor =-= 19
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle
without the
supervision of a licensed engineer.
-= law humor =-= 20
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Calgary, there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires
businesses within the city to provide rails for tieing up horses.
-= law humor =-= 21
=---------------------------------------------------------
There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a
motorcar
driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards by a man
carrying a
lantern...
-= law humor =-= 22
=---------------------------------------------------------
In England, it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is
mostly
ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to
sell it at
any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one
might want
to buy on a Sunday!
-= law humor =-= 23
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Bexley, Ohio, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the
installation
and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
-= law humor =-= 24
=---------------------------------------------------------
A Kentucky statute says: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on
any
highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two
officers or
unless she be armed with a club." Later, an amendment proposed: "The
provisions
of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty
pounds
nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses."
-= law humor =-= 25
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at
one time.
-= law humor =-= 26
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in
hexadecimal.
-= law humor =-= 27
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Israel, there's no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a
divorced woman.
-= law humor =-= 28
=---------------------------------------------------------
These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton
(Walker; $8.95)
Enjoy!
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the
corporate
limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is
unacquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the
same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to
dogs, cats,
and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and
pants that do
not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to
sleep with
his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or
other
theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating
garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of
strapless
gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and
drink beer
from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile
unless the act
takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking
on your
hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
husband's
permission.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story
window
within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the
movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing
while
standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell
jokes or
humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500
feet of a
tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night
must stop
every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road
to be
cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in
public
(includes legs and face).
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a
leather belt
or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his
wife's
consent to beat her with a wider strap.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within
this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless
she be
armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this
statuate shall
not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200
pounds, nor
shall it apply to female horses."
-= law humor =-= 29
=---------------------------------------------------------
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
-= law humor =-= 30
=---------------------------------------------------------
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
shall be
permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet
of any door
or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the
completion of the count and the certification of the returns."
-= law humor =-= 31
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana,
Illinois.
-= law humor =-= 32
=---------------------------------------------------------
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
-= law humor =-= 33
=---------------------------------------------------------
The good burghers of Redwood City have outlawed the frying of gravy.
-= law humor =-= 34
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Santa Clara, it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the
patron saint
of television.
-= law humor =-= 35
=---------------------------------------------------------
Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills
larger
than $50.
-= law humor =-= 36
=---------------------------------------------------------
The city of Mountain View proscribes calling pet fish by "names of
aggressive
content, e.g. 'Biter', 'Killer', 'Sugar-Ray'"
-= law humor =-= 37
=---------------------------------------------------------
Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories"
anywhere in
Santa Clara County (de facto law).
-= law humor =-= 38
=---------------------------------------------------------
It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in
Palo Alto.
-= law humor =-= 39
=---------------------------------------------------------
Wearing a sweatshirt inside-out is deemed a "threatening misdemeanor"
in
Half-Moon Bay.
-= law humor =-= 40
=---------------------------------------------------------
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night
to wear
tail lights.
-= law humor =-= 41
=---------------------------------------------------------
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way
keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
-= law humor =-= 42
=---------------------------------------------------------
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario (California) passed an ordinance
forbidding
roosters to crow within the city limits.
-= law humor =-= 43
=---------------------------------------------------------
Harthahorne (Oklahoma) City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it
shall be
unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
-= law humor =-= 44
=---------------------------------------------------------
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can
rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
-= law humor =-= 45
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over
six feet in length.
-= law humor =-= 46
=---------------------------------------------------------
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards
on the
sidewalks when a concert is on.
-= law humor =-= 47
=---------------------------------------------------------
A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech
protected
by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only
more
persuasive.
-= law humor =-= 48
=---------------------------------------------------------
Patent Yourself
Manfred deLisle, a London patent attorney, is offering to file patent
claims for
the complete genome of any individual who wishes to "preserve his or
her
commercial options." Several hundred people have signed up for
deLisle's
services. However, it is anticipated that patent officials will
impose
extensive documentation demands that will render the scheme
impractical.
Amici Curiae
Another London attorney, A. C. Pomeroy, is working with
representatives of
several major religions to file patent claims for the genetic
substance
deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), "on behalf of an unspecified deity."
Pomeroy's
clients will claim that (a) DNA is a patentable invention and (b) the
inventor
is unable to file a claim personally and so must have his rights
protected by a
consortium of interested parties. The parties reportedly have agreed
to share
any royalties that accrue from the patent, on an equal basis.
-= law humor =-= 49
=---------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press news wire:
The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations prohibiting
large-scale
bakers to allow the odor of bread to be released into the atmosphere
because it
contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone, a component of
smog. "If
people have such a visceral response to this smell, they can bake
their own
bread," said the engineer at the state Department of Environmental
Protection
who drafted the regulation.
-= law humor =-= 50
=---------------------------------------------------------
From an AP bulletin:
The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the
city
subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere
without a
shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests
of women
testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said
they would
comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules,
like
sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would
take
action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.
-= law humor =-= 51
=---------------------------------------------------------
But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
to
mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were
convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic
and in law.
Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the
charges
of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there
were no
witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of
value. -
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-= law humor =-= 52
=---------------------------------------------------------
From the National Review West:
Starting January 1 1995, it is illegal in California to possess bear
gall
bladders. Also, it is no longer permissible to trip horses for
entertainment.
-= law humor =-= 53
=---------------------------------------------------------
From the March 1995 "Reader's Digest"
There Oughta Be A Law
By Richard Johnson
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can
really get on
our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect citizens
from the
airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position
while an
in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing
some much-
needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:
Resisting A Rest: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a
theater
or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room
visits, and
leg-stretching.
Euphonious Assault: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so
the next
driver is blasted into the back seat.
Lane Sharking: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the
adjacent
space is rendered useless.
Coffee-right Infringement: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too
quick to
bring your bill at the end of a meal.
Violation Of Individual Swivel Rights: Rotating a circular
merchandise rack
while another shopper is browsing on the other side.
Breaking And Exiting: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of
pancake syrup
while in an empty grocery-store aisle.
Sorry I Missed Him'meanor: Intentionally returning unwanted phone
calls when
you know the party who called will be out.
Kidyapping: Failure to get off the subject of your children.
Poly-gamey: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a
tennis
tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of
rapid-fire,
remote-control channel surfing.
Labor Fraud: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing
for
campaign photographs.
Lawyer Humor
-= lawyer humor =-= 1
=------------------------------------------------------
This list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at
the
request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other
lawyers.
Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the Supreme
Court), the
list will be unavailable to the general public. If you are unhappy
with this
situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for
a
suitable fee.
-= lawyer humor =-= 2
=------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a
brief.
-= lawyer humor =-= 3
=------------------------------------------------------
The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they
are funny,
and most people don't understand that they're just jokes!
-= lawyer humor =-= 4
=------------------------------------------------------
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is
2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How
much do you want it to be?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 5
=------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees
a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this
particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
brain?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 6
=------------------------------------------------------
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later
that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain
a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 7
=------------------------------------------------------
Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a
problem.
What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The
lawyer
frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
-= lawyer humor =-= 8
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the lawyer
was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants
took the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and
into a
comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes
me so
special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 9
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer died and appeared before the pearly gates. When he
arrived, a chorus
of angels began to sing in his honour and St. Peter himself came out
to shake
his hand. "Mr Morris," said St. Peter, "it is a great honour to have
you here
at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for
longevity.
You have lived 1028 years."
"What are you talking about?" said Morris. "I'm 56."
"56? But aren't you John Smith?"
"Yes."
"A lawyer?" "Yes."
"From Brooklyn?" "Yes."
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand
against his
forehead. "Now I see the mistake, we added up your billing hours!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 10
=------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After
a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions,
ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
After
passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show
them to their
new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them
down on
the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish
trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity,
(at least
until the end of time..)
"Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place
like this, I
can hardly wait to see my digs!"
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape
below begins
to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street
lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete!
What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old
fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times
and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your
dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first
non-damned
lawyer to make it up here!!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 11
=------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is
listing his
sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew
they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in
a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all
these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a
dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy
15 cents
and tell him to go to hell."
-= lawyer humor =-= 12
=------------------------------------------------------
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a
fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a
shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to
bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
-= lawyer humor =-= 13
=------------------------------------------------------
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer.
Each had
promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave.
The
doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the
lawyer
removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.
-= lawyer humor =-= 14
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to
Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go
first, and the executioner follow."
-= lawyer humor =-= 15
=------------------------------------------------------
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after
he had
solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
since the
Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that
question."
-= lawyer humor =-= 16
=------------------------------------------------------
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial,
the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the
judge who had
presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty
lawyer of
mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want
to have him
arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee,
so he went and took the car I stole."
-= lawyer humor =-= 17
=------------------------------------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under
oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-= lawyer humor =-= 18
=------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
-= lawyer humor =-= 19
=------------------------------------------------------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone
asked.
"Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
More information on Diogenes: Diogenes may well have been looking for
an honest
man in his wanderings, but the reason he was wandering in the first
place is
that he had been ostracized for counterfeiting.
-= lawyer humor =-= 20
=------------------------------------------------------
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching
tour when
he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local
general
store to get some warmth and saw the town's lawyers gathered around
the
pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to
allow Dow
into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was and that he had recently had a vision
where he
had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's
Inferno. When
one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much
what I see
here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
-= lawyer humor =-= 21
=------------------------------------------------------
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little
girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the
little girl
asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think
that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest
man.'"
-= lawyer humor =-= 22
=------------------------------------------------------
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but
at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
-= lawyer humor =-= 23
=------------------------------------------------------
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to
cross the
Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we
better lose
some altitude so we can see where we are."
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon and the balloon
descends
to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on
the
ground."
So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we
are?"
And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100
feet up in
the air."
George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer."
And Harry says, "How can you tell?"
George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally
useless."
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of
the New
York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-= lawyer humor =-= 24
=------------------------------------------------------
Product Liability Suit
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,
Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
vs.
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states,
does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware
and doing
business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks
compensation
for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering
caused as a
direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company,
under
Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072,
subsection (a),
relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has
purchased of
the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's
mail order
department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to
defects in
manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to
Mr. Coyote
as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court,
marked
Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily
restricted his
ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-
employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant
via parcel
post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the
Rocket
sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled, Mr.
Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey
in the
distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the
Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to
stretch Mr.
Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the
rest of Mr.
Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain
to his
back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing
over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail
along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At
that
moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr.
Coyote
vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to
poor
design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent
steering
system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled
led it and
Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by
Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures,
contusions, and
tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of
the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the
ears), a
neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by
these
injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself.
With this in
mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme
Rocket
Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became
involved in an
accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket
Sled. Again,
Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which
attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
little or
no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the
Rocket Skates
soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so
violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he
has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme
"Little
Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a
full listing,
see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition,
entered in
evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an
explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite
just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr.
Coyote
constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning
at the top
of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above
a black X
painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way
that a
spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily
and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
a generous
pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical
Acme Bomb
(Catalog #78) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey,
seeing the
birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In
an instant,
the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to
naught, the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle
in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and
ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a
pair of these
purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected
fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the
University
of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no
explanation has
been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two
wood-and-
metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile
strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a
lanyard
release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to
pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are
at a
premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them
by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a
path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put
his hind
feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his
right forepaw
holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr.
Coyote's prey
did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the
prey stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
Mr. Coyote
gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard
release. At
this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away
from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered
Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey
looked on
unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs
recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the
boulder, the full
weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower
extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,
whereupon Mr.
Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
The boulder,
meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, began to bounce down a
hillside,
the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At
each bounce,
Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came
into contact
with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the
grade was a
long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of
collisions
resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening of
the
cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of
legs and
upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.
Repetition
of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal
folds in
Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused
Mr. Coyote
to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked and
emit an
offkey, accordion-like wheezing with each step. The distracting and
embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's
pursuit of a
normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is
our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the
consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese
tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as
he has
come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other
domestic source
of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading
partners in
Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant
company
is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful
manner
over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic
implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen
million
dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals,
medical
expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million
dollars;
general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty
million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. By
awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its
directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the
only language
they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to
equal
protection under the law.
-= lawyer humor =-= 25
=------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are
needed!
- Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
-= lawyer humor =-= 26
=------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into
Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that
powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates?
Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more
economically
debilitating, and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys
permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the
U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained
in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is
reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to
practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20
American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in
Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of
American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send
Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
-= lawyer humor =-= 27
=------------------------------------------------------
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
lover with
an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the
baby would
have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
-= lawyer humor =-= 28
=------------------------------------------------------
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for
all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you
think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 29
=------------------------------------------------------
When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A
contingent fee to a
lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win
it, you get
nothing."
-= lawyer humor =-= 30
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his
selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's
against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
could put
"here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it
and exclaim,
"That's strange!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 31
=------------------------------------------------------
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"Can you get
pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor,
"Where do you
think lawyers come from?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 32
=------------------------------------------------------
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
-= lawyer humor =-= 33
=------------------------------------------------------
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of
politicians.
-= lawyer humor =-= 34
=------------------------------------------------------
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of
the law.
-= lawyer humor =-= 35
=------------------------------------------------------
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the
truth.
- Jean Giradoux
-= lawyer humor =-= 36
=------------------------------------------------------
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
-= lawyer humor =-= 37
=------------------------------------------------------
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
know the
judge.
-= lawyer humor =-= 38
=------------------------------------------------------
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
discuss his
absence of character! - Michael Lara
-= lawyer humor =-= 39
=------------------------------------------------------
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as
'unearned
income.' - ibid
-= lawyer humor =-= 40
=------------------------------------------------------
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
-= lawyer humor =-= 41
=------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give
the rest a
bad name.
-= lawyer humor =-= 42
=------------------------------------------------------
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to
another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers
for our
experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful.
Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third,
lawyers
multiply faster in numbers. Fourth, animal rights groups will not
object to
their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.
There is
a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test
results to
human beings"
-= lawyer humor =-= 43
=------------------------------------------------------
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a
detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting
and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."
With the transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze
rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live rats
emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously
looking over
his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes
another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two
blocks,
at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point
and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
rats swarm
from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the
thousands
are at his heels and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the
hill, he
panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not
just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up
to the
water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm
while he
hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as
he can
heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he
watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into
the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
lawyer."
-= lawyer humor =-= 44
=------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase
Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window
that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an
account
with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the
president of
Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller
seemed to
think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag
and seeing
the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million,
telephoned
the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to
know the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank
president then
asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an
inheritance?" he asked.
"No." she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?"
"No." she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady
could possibly come into $3 million.
"I bet." she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No." she replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different
things with
people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by
10:00
o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided
to take her
up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the
day, the
bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and take
no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure
everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as
he always
had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at
10:00
o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how
often do you
get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his
office. With
her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for
being
there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him
along
when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what
about our
bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same
as I've
always been only $25,000.00 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to
see for
herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped
his
trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of
him. Sure
enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and
saw her
lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What' wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00
o'clock this
morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the
balls."
-= lawyer humor =-= 45
=------------------------------------------------------
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
lawyer would
invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this
place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular
occasion, he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager
to get a
freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and
living in the
great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went
around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities,
along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing
the two
bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so
lucky, and
the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
back to his
Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local
backwoods
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry
patch
with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!"
cried the
lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
friend's family
danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff
looked at the
bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim,
and shot
the female.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer
who told
you that the Czech was in the male?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 46
=------------------------------------------------------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The
Russian
takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in
the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we
have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he
open the
window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others
are quite
impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so
much of
them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the
pack of
havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite
impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the
Lawyer through it...
-= lawyer humor =-= 47
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher
shop and
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog
running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from
me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the
lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.
-= lawyer humor =-= 48
=------------------------------------------------------
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the
country when
their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
farmhouse. When
they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two
beds, and
one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three
quickly
agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two
have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the
bedroom door.
The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
pig in
there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious
problem
with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through
the
bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the
same room
as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as
he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the
cow
entered...
-= lawyer humor =-= 49
=------------------------------------------------------
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by
car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car
broke
down in a rural area and they were forced to seek shelter for the
night at a
nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them
that there
were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in
the barn
with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly
after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The
party inside
answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he
could not
sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of
the days
when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short
time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief
complained that
the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started
the Chicago
fire and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have
a
fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep
in the
barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when
another knock
was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there
stood the
very indignant cows and pigs.
-= lawyer humor =-= 50
=------------------------------------------------------
The Lawyer's Motto:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by
any and
all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it
is
incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the
deferment of
otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
In Other Words:
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
-= lawyer humor =-= 51
=------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one
day.
Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the
morning
arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the
afternoon, they
discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a
large
pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm
going to
prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then
calls his
dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog
rushes over to
the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a
replica of the
human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins
smugly; after
all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing,"
he says.
"Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile.
"Bones! Get the
bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its
place builds a
perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag
waving at
the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in
fact,
smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter,"
he says.
"Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says
simply
"Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats
half the
bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the
rest of
the afternoon off.
-= lawyer humor =-= 52
=------------------------------------------------------
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the
firm's
senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?"
asked the
client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the
receptionist
answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his
ex-wife's
lawyer.
The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't
you? Mr.
Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr.
Spenser. The
receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already,
Mr. Spenser
is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say
he's dead?
Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing
you say
it over and over."
-= lawyer humor =-= 53
=------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person
showed up
on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after
they were
supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."
-= lawyer humor =-= 54
=------------------------------------------------------
Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
1300.01 General
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for
the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or
vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or
hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection
for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or
tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
-= lawyer humor =-= 55
=------------------------------------------------------
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
-= lawyer humor =-= 56
=------------------------------------------------------
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
-= lawyer humor =-= 57
=------------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is
that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
feet.
-= lawyer humor =-= 58
=------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his
own
pockets.
-= lawyer humor =-= 59
=------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you
serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
-= lawyer humor =-= 60
=------------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
pulling
the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath
was a
lawyer milking the cow.
-= lawyer humor =-= 61
=------------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the
equator, it
would be a good idea to just leave them there.
-= lawyer humor =-= 62
=------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic
lamp on the
shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared.
However, he was
not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told
the man he
was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies
can't be
attorneys too!"
The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his
three wishes,
but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were
granted double
of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided
that
something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."
The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all
attorneys
would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second
wish.
"My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all
attorneys with
two of the blonde eyed babes.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider
his choice
carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the
Genie's
attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the
Genie: "For
my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me
_half_ to
death!!!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 63
=------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line
the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to
take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something
in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two
whispers,
"What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I
owe you."
-= lawyer humor =-= 64
=------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to sponsor a convention to honor honest lawyers as soon as I
can find
a phone booth to hold it in.
-= lawyer humor =-= 65
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had
passed away
without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the
lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too
painful
for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't
hit the
broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
-= lawyer humor =-= 66
=------------------------------------------------------
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one
remembers what
kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The
rabbit says,
"You feel me first."
The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says,
"Well, you
have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and
big back
feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and
thin, and
slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Damn, I'm a lawyer."
-= lawyer humor =-= 67
=------------------------------------------------------
Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question
-= lawyer humor =-= 68
=------------------------------------------------------
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on.
You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open
them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are
heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
-= lawyer humor =-= 69
=------------------------------------------------------
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint
Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the
engineer. We've
been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a
hall to a
door marked #101.
"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he
opens the
door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping
from the
rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the
center of the
floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
"Mr.Jones! You
have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men
waiting at
the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor," Saint Peters addresses the
second man.
"You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is
opened
this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with
horrible torture
equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to
the center
of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You
have
sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at
the
entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for
you. You
are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room
#103, Saint
Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with
torture
equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps
in the
room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 70
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God.
"A lawyer,
eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer
in Heaven
before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."
The lawyer goes into panic and says, "Oh, God, I cannot think of an
argument
worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what...you argue a point of
the law
and I'll refute you."
-= lawyer humor =-= 71
=------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found
himself
at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting
him warmly.
"Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are
allowed to
choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of
eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door.
Flames
shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst
the fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands
of people
slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they
hammered
the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands
of people
in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them
were
chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...' "That's awful!!"
commented the
lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when
the angels
spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 72
=------------------------------------------------------
Dear Prospective Employer:
I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law
Factory. A
recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat
in the
years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to
summer
associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself.
Feel
assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer
associate
at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful
corporate
clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the
calibre
necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the
corporate vice.
I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles
as pity
will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on
the rack of
legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.
Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash,
we have
managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by
means of lies
and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous
consumption and
hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible,
"You cannot
serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God?
I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal
interview.
I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be
a
successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and
profitable
hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading
this form
letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to
receiving a
form letter with good news from you soon!
Desperately, but cocksurely,
Jack Meoff, Jr.
enclosure
JACK MEOFF, JR.
School Residence Family Residence
666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr.
Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123
(617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999
EDUCATION
HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993.
Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00
*Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar
*Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review
*Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President)
DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded
1990.
Grade Point Average: 3. 97/4. 00Class Rank: 3/1245
Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics
*Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way"
*Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review"
*President, Future Fascists of America
EXPERIENCE
WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL
Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991
*Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights
*Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District
Judge
Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide
SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN
Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990
*Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends
*Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors
visited
EXXON CORPORATION
Intern, Legal Department, 1989
*Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill
*Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk
culprit
UNITED STATES SENATE
Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988
*Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle
Ages
*Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door
*Bullshit official positions to constituents
INTERESTS
*Money
*Wealth
*Riches
*Treasure Trove
REFERENCES
Available for a modest fee
-= lawyer humor =-= 73
=------------------------------------------------------
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer
said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait
to hear the
terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
-= lawyer humor =-= 74
=------------------------------------------------------
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bed
side and
handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made
them each
promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place
the three
envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough
money to
enjoy the next life.
A week later, the man died. At the wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and
Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old
client and
friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later.
Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying
that
there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He
felt, rather
than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South
America. He
asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed
that he too
had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop,
he
admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring
himself to
waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit
others.
By this time, the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage.
He
expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of
his oldest
and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to
our dying
friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the
coffin
contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal
check for
the entire $25,000.
-= lawyer humor =-= 75
=------------------------------------------------------
A great line by Danny de Vito in "Other People's Money": Of course
I've got
lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else
has. But
as soon as you use them they fuck everything up.
-= lawyer humor =-= 76
=------------------------------------------------------
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now
that both
attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
-= lawyer humor =-= 77
=------------------------------------------------------
Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms.
-= lawyer humor =-= 78
=------------------------------------------------------
As the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found
that the
entire driver's side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it
the
driver's arm.
The injured Yuppie lawyer, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My
car, my
car," as the officer tried to comfort him.
"Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more
concerned about
your arm than your car."
The driver looked down to where his arm should have been, then
screamed, "My
Rolex! My Rolex!!!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 79
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer is settling accounts with his client. "Let's do it this
way," he
says, "pay me $5000 now and then $400 a month."
"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."
Lawyer replies, "You are! And a nice car it is too."
-= lawyer humor =-= 80
=------------------------------------------------------
Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if
lawyers had
written 'The Ten Commandments'
-= lawyer humor =-= 81
=------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-= lawyer humor =-= 82
=------------------------------------------------------
Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
organ or
penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-= lawyer humor =-= 83
=------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
-= lawyer humor =-= 84
=------------------------------------------------------
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking
through the
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks
the ass of
the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey!
Cut it out,
alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another five
minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks
the ass of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear
tiger and
says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front
tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you,
anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying
to get the
taste out of my mouth!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 85
=------------------------------------------------------
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both
slightly
cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and
a fair
amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible
to assess
blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The
lawyer
calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers
the doctor
a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and
hands it
back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
-= lawyer humor =-= 86
=------------------------------------------------------
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story
which
appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three
times in an
alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering
Influence and
Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the
speed
limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the
RICO
statutes.
-= lawyer humor =-= 87
=------------------------------------------------------
When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to
heaven every
one except the really awful people. The result was a planet full of
lawyers.
-= lawyer humor =-= 88
=------------------------------------------------------
The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was
considering the
future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked
if he
might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his
father's
activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a
clerk. This
way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father
thought
this to be a splendid idea and this arrangement was set up
immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was
a
rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began
the
conversation by saying, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named
Gonzales who
have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years, I have tended
their crops
and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them,
fed them,
and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the
owner of the
cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he
believes
that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the
cows are
his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young,
well-dressed
man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I
own a farm
on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant
farmer has
worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some
cows. The
cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that
they
belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them
and cared
for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of
the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look
of
concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me
that we have
a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be
ours!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 89
=------------------------------------------------------
From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3,
1991:
Court Says Legal Aid Lawyers Had Right To Wear Buttons
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society
lawyers had a
constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October,
when they
argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a
threatened
strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered
them to
remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they
could
prejudice the court and upset their clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act
of
wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of
free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that
Justice
Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as
those that
said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all
lawyers,
"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or
saving
whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of
Americans would
come down on the side of the whales."
-= lawyer humor =-= 90
=------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he
would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP"
and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was
immensely
enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest
hitchhiking,
so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift.
He pulled
the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the
priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and
the truck
driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was
a priest
in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
road,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the
lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm
sorry,
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 91
=------------------------------------------------------
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged
her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to
another
$100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical
question came to
the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 92
=------------------------------------------------------
About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some
insurance
papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state
the cause."
Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle
rustling, the
lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking
part in a
public ceremony when the platform gave way."
-= lawyer humor =-= 93
=------------------------------------------------------
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law
office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr.
Jones had
arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He
quickly picks
up the phone and shouts into it, "And you tell them that we won't
accept less
then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to
that
amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good
Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to
connect your
phone."
-= lawyer humor =-= 94
=------------------------------------------------------
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who
go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about
many things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know
practically
nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything
but end
up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant
association with
experts and lawyers.
-= lawyer humor =-= 95
=------------------------------------------------------
A federal magistrate ruled that the Alabama prison policy of allowing
female
guards to oversee showers by male prisoners is not "cruel and unusual
punishment" for the men but a reasonably policy for security and equal
employment opportunities for female guards.
-= lawyer humor =-= 96
=------------------------------------------------------
An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency
landing. A
few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled
in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer
who is still
passing out business cards."
-= lawyer humor =-= 97
=------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old
legal lions
gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted when the gang got back to their
hideout.
"We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had
over $100
when we broke in!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 98
=------------------------------------------------------
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from
time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture,
and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck
up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and
said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow
your brains
out."
But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's
message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot
was buried
under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't
dare shoot
me.'"
-= lawyer humor =-= 99
=------------------------------------------------------
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes
to heaven.
When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in
life, you
may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell
me what
kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 100
=------------------------------------------------------
A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his
lawyer
bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of
deliberation,
the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so
worried! When
the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to
acquit
him!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 101
=------------------------------------------------------
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man
and get 3
days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
-= lawyer humor =-= 102
=------------------------------------------------------
A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyer
-= lawyer humor =-= 103
=------------------------------------------------------
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously
desperate.
He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in
town?" The man
replied, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet."
-= lawyer humor =-= 104
=------------------------------------------------------
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started
to make
even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on
the horn
and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the
lawyers down
here. And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good
engineers?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 105
=------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek Lawyer Joke
Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left
trapped
inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the
emergency crews
to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones!
Do you
think your alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied,
"Damn it,
Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 106
=------------------------------------------------------
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said, "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church ever'
Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a
nagger
and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 107
=------------------------------------------------------
Actually, my mom is a lawyer. When a client comes in and says that
they:
a) Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and,
b) To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and,
c) To make sure the the wrongdoer is revealed for what they are.
She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this
point, the
client always says with glee, "For the court?" To which she says,
"No, for me.
Since you are going to squander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I
want to know
what I am getting."
At which point they ask for a quick settlement.
-= lawyer humor =-= 108
=------------------------------------------------------
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
-= lawyer humor =-= 109
=------------------------------------------------------
Augustine's Laws
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people
fights;
lawyers do.
The exact date that professional attorneys came into existence is
unknown,
although the first complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth
century.
Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located right here in the United
States.
This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new
export
product.
Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?
Amswer: Cairo got first choice.
Almost 37 percent of the U. S. House of Representatives and 53 percent
of the U.
S. Senate are comprised of lawyers. It's like buying chicken wire
from the fox
- a Full Employment Act for lawyers.
John Naisbitt, writing in Megatrends, asserts that "Lawyers are like
beavers:
They get in the mainstream and damn it up.
Forbes magazine recently reported an incident whereby a man attempted
to kill
himself by jumping in front of a subway car in New York; however,
having failed,
he won a $650,000 judgement from New York City because the train hit
him.
The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it
reported, "...
the former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so
successful in
serving the poor.
-= lawyer humor =-= 110
=------------------------------------------------------
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in
March by
the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986
from her
daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund.
-= lawyer humor =-= 111
=------------------------------------------------------
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
-= lawyer humor =-= 112
=------------------------------------------------------
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad
luck, but
my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-= lawyer humor =-= 113
=------------------------------------------------------
Sharks And Lawyers
"Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy parasite.
While no
brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where lawyers come
from, logic
and common sense dictate a similar derivation.
Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are mad
entirely of
cartilage. Lawyers, too, are spineless, as willing to argue one side
of a case
as the other. For the right price.
Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have
well-honed
sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and
struggling
beings. They are also equipped with fine senses of smell that allow
them to
detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to one million parts
water) up
to one-quarter mile away. Precisely the distance a hopeful personal
injury
lawyer will run behind an ambulance to toss a business card.
From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and rough, covered
with
thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any passerby
made of
softer stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned. Easily identified by
their
humorlessness and abrasive personalities, they are the bane of many
social
gatherings.
A shark will swallow anything, up to half its own size, in one
gulp. Several
hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body of a
knight in
armor was found in a white shark's stomach. Inside another was more
recently
found a sea lion, a horse and the body of another seven-foot-long
shark.
Lawyers, too, will swallow anything, even their pride, as increasing
numbers of
lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each year for three years of
browbeating in
the hopes of financing their Porsches.
Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and taste of
blood in the
water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they
often eat
their own bodies while twisting and turning to get more food. This is
not unlike
the Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers,
and
ultimately themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a
fair
resolution for their clients.
-= lawyer humor =-= 114
=------------------------------------------------------
From "Book Of Anecdotes", a story told of former President and
General, U.S.
Grant:
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant
did not
recommend himself to strangers by looks. He once entered an inn at
Galena,
Illinois, on a stormy winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town
for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant
appeared and
said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's
travelled
through hell itself to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
-= lawyer humor =-= 115
=------------------------------------------------------
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many
lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
-= lawyer humor =-= 116
=------------------------------------------------------
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island
with no
lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
-= lawyer humor =-= 117
=------------------------------------------------------
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her
upcoming fourth
wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a
virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely
that cannot
be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he
wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd
get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look.
But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get
screwed."
-= lawyer humor =-= 118
=------------------------------------------------------
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic
car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange
for them to
be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and
they still
desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they
would have
to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They
were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be
happy forever,
but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we
can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to
get a
priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 119
=------------------------------------------------------
From Orson Bean:
A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally
we don't
let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this
week. You go
to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come
back up here
for eternity."
The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal."
St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..."
The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!"
St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours."
-= lawyer humor =-= 120
=------------------------------------------------------
Three persons arrive at heaven and St. Peter greets them before the
Pearly
Gates. "Welcome to Heaven. We have just one last thing to do before
you enter.
Are you ready for your last test?"
The first person says, "I've prepared for this moment for 73
years."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'God'."
"G-O-D."
"Very good, enter your eternal reward."
The second person says, "Well, that was easier than I thought; I'll
take my
test now."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'love'."
"L-O-V-E."
"Excellent, enter your eternal reward."
The third person, a lawyer, says, "Boy, is _this_ is gonna be a
snap. Give
me my test."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."
-= lawyer humor =-= 121
=------------------------------------------------------
Mark Twain was at a dinner party where he gave one of his customary
after-
dinner speeches. When he had finished a prominent lawyer stood up,
shoved his
hands in his pockets and said, "Doesn't it strike this company as
unusual that a
professional humorist should be so funny?"
Mark Twain came back with, "Doesn't it strike this company as
unusual that a
lawyer should have both hands in his own pockets?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 122
=------------------------------------------------------
On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New
Jersey just
laid off 3 judges.
-= lawyer humor =-= 123
=------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of
having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a
wife and want
a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both
so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're
with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
-= lawyer humor =-= 124
=------------------------------------------------------
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The
physician said,
"Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned
Eve, making
him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens
and earth
from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.
Therefore,
engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do you think
created all
of the chaos and confusion?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 125
=------------------------------------------------------
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and
sometimes
he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on
what his
father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
-= lawyer humor =-= 126
=------------------------------------------------------
A tradesman of Windham, Connecticut, having occasion to boil a number
of
cattle's feet, threw the bones at the back of the courthouse. An
attorney asked
what bones they were? A bystander replied that he believed them to be
client's
bones, as they were well picked. (Wheeler's North-American Calendar
for 1793)
-= lawyer humor =-= 127
=------------------------------------------------------
In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls. - Lenny
Bruce
-= lawyer humor =-= 128
=------------------------------------------------------
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into
a car and
pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was
killed,
the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver
ample
warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He
even stood
and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed
his story
and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was
over. "You
did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 129
=------------------------------------------------------
Legaldegook
For Tax Laws Caught In A Time Warp
"The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with
respect
to the taxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding
taxable year
which begins before January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such
sentence, January
1, 1980, shall be deemed to be the first January 1 occurring after
January 1,
1974, and consecutive taxable years in the period commencing January
1, 1980,
shall be determined as if the taxable year which begins on January 1,
1980, were
the taxable year immediately succeeding the taxable year which began
on January
1, 1974." - Internal Revenue Code 3302(c)(2)(C)
Sesquipedality Award For Most Splendiferous Display Of Highfalutin'
Vocabulary
"The evidentiary record consisting of a four (4) day trial is
gargantuan,
elephantine, and Brobdingnagian... It would be hebetudinous and
obtuse to fail
to be cognizant of the adverse consequences of a ruling in this case.
However,
a decision by the court should not be infected with pusillanimity and
timidity.
The karma of this case must not be aleatory or adventitious, but a
pellucid and
transpicuous analysis of the law and facts... With certitude and
intrepidity
and hopefully, with some degree of sagacity, sapience, and
perspicaciousness,
this court disposes of the relevant and germane issues.
Autochthonously, this
court bifurcates the issues for decisional purposes. The primigenial
issue is
whether a new trial should be granted. The court comes to this
infrangible,
ineluctable, and adamantine conclusion that defendant's motion for a
new trial
absolutely must be denied. The French phrase 'pas du tout' is applied
in
rejecting the defendant's argument... I find defendant's degree of
culpability
to be magnitudinous and megatherine." - Circuit Judge Ralph Anderson,
of South
Carolina.
-= lawyer humor =-= 130
=------------------------------------------------------
The following was posted on rec.org.sca:
Legalese
Unto all who read these words, greetings from Yaakov!
Ferret writes: "By the way there are legal documents in Modern
English that
require further translation by special interpreters into a form of
English
everyone can understand. That is what lawyers are for. Or is
Legalese a
non-English language?"
Actually, despite many cognates with English, Legalese is proof
that lawyers
are descended from the same wandering Asian tribes that eventually
colonized the
United States accross the Bering Strait land-bridge. Consider the
following
lingistic evidence, as documented from such authentic sources on
Amerind culture
as F-Troop and Bonanza (after all, they were only written
approximately 75 years
after the closing of the American frontier. Heck, many of the
descendents of
the original tribes portrayed were still alive, thus lending credence
to the
veracity of the text.
English Amerind Legalese
Person Someone-Come-Close Party-of-the-First-Part
Contract Paper-that-speak The-aforesaid-agreement
Gun Bang-stick Either of the following:
Protected-Constitutional-
Right or Dangerous-weapon
Note that both the dialects of the lawyers and of Amerinds use
several words
to describe what English does in one word, thus, the languages are
related,
Q.E.D. (Another legalese, but this looks like a loaner word from the
math-geek
tribe, which in fact did not originate in any known language group and
may
provide radical new proof of spontaneous generation.)
It is believed that the proto-Lawyers headed *west* instead of
*east* like
everyone else in the Universe, probably becuase they were engaged in
litigation
with the Scythians. The Scythians attempted to evade the
proto-lawyers by using
aliases like 'Sarmations' (which lead to the Samaritans accidently
getting their
junk mail due to a typo in the syro-aramaic) and building boats to
flee to
Finland.
This plan was ultimately foiled when the proto-lawyers (now going
under the
archaic name 'Barristers' from the Greek description of their talk:
'bar-bar'
'stir-stir') impounded their fleet (which had conveniently run aground
in
Crimea. Apparently, the Scythians were lousy navigators, but that is
the subject
of a different thread.) The Barristers followed the Scythians to
Scotland and
Ireland, but ultimately settled in England where they could do
contingency fee
work for the Vikings in their ongoing quit claim action against the
Angles and
the Saxons (the Jutes were originally named but were dismissed due to
lack of
personal jurisdiction).
Here they established a matriachal culture based on litigator-women
who
particip[ated fully with men but, following their nurturing natures,
tended to
stay in mergers and acquisition work. This culture was ultimately
repressed by
militant Christianity, as can be demonstrated by the fact that a
higher rank
than Barrister was created, baring the typically militaristic title of
Searjant
of Law.
The lawyers ultimately came to the North American continent on the
Mayflower,
having evicted a sufficient number of rats. Here they were at last
reunited
with their ethnic bretheren.
In case anybody hasn't guessed :-)
Yaakov
(A lawyer)
-= lawyer humor =-= 131
=------------------------------------------------------
The defendant's lawyer in a murder case whispered to the foreman of
the jury,
"It's worth $10,000 to my client if you can arrange a verdict of
second degree
manslaughter."
Sure enough, this was the verdict arrived at, so the lawyer visited
the
foreman later, thanked him, and paid him the money. The foreman said,
"It
wasn't easy. All the others wanted an acquittal."
-= lawyer humor =-= 132
=------------------------------------------------------
From "The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin" by Indries
Shah, The
Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in "Qualitative Evaluation
and
Research Methods" by Michael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990.
Reprinted
without permission.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People
were all
crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
They were
all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.
Mulla
Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend,"
he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!" The man
immediately grasped
the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the
amazed bystanders.
"Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."
-= lawyer humor =-= 133
=------------------------------------------------------
A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called I.R.S. late
on April
15th and asked, "I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am
getting a
negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?
The I.R.S. agent asked, "Sir, how is it that you are getting a
negative
number?"
The caller replied, "The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.'
Isn't 7
minus 8 equal to -1?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 134
=------------------------------------------------------
When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years
ago), a
bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a
money order
for $1.49. Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in
the name of
"Hu Flung Dung, #2 Crescent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted
it with a
letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error in his
calculations and was
making amends. As if that weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives
an
amended return *with money*, they are required, by their own rules, to
continue
searching *until they find the original*. Forever. Across the entire
country.
(They're probably still looking.)
-= lawyer humor =-= 135
=------------------------------------------------------
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the
country.
We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces
around the
board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has
read the
inside of the top of the box. - Jerry Seinfeld
-= lawyer humor =-= 136
=------------------------------------------------------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -
Benjamin
Franklin
-= lawyer humor =-= 137
=------------------------------------------------------
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The
poet is
anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent
to the IRS
is classified as confidential."
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.
-= lawyer humor =-= 138
=------------------------------------------------------
An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two
million tax
returns and related documents annually. One employee said that when
preparing
for audits, he routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state
agencies
because they are more likely to have the documents.
-= lawyer humor =-= 139
=------------------------------------------------------
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the
agency would
continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any
national
emergency, "especially resulting from nuclear attack."
-= lawyer humor =-= 140
=------------------------------------------------------
From the Miami Herald:
Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify
as business
assets, and depreciable ones at that.
Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a
$2,088
deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that
enlarged her
bust to size 56FF.
Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed
the
deduction, ruling that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income
and that
the breasts are so large and cumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that
they make
her appear "freakish" and she couldn't derive personal benefit from
them.
-= lawyer humor =-= 141
=------------------------------------------------------
From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and
Niles,
brothers and fellow psychiatrists:
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have
excellent health
insurance and they never get better.
-= lawyer humor =-= 142
=------------------------------------------------------
My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about
the IRS's
position on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the
following
startling bit.
From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,
Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:
Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if
another
location was her principal place of business, a deduction will be
denied. Thus,
where taxpayer who ran a hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews,
and soups at
home because the stand wasn't big enough, the Tax Court denied a
deduction
because sales, which produced her income, and final packaging for
consumption,
took place at the hot dog stand.
A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an
office
couldn't get a deduction for his home office.
A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals
couldn't
get a deduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing,
and
professional reading at home.
An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a
week was
denied deductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5
hours a
week.
[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a
housing court
judge, a professional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair
and
airplane leasing businesses, an office worker whose employer supplied
her with
home office equipment, airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed
real estate
person. We finally come to our lone success...]
A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to
a portion
of his apartment where it was his only place of business and he made
substantial
use of it in his dealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.
Perhaps I'm in the wrong business?
- Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer
-= lawyer humor =-= 143
=------------------------------------------------------
Courthouse officials in Durham,N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a
disgruntled lawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that
explained how
battered women could obtain court orders against their husbands
without
resorting to a lawyer.
-= lawyer humor =-= 144
=------------------------------------------------------
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
-= lawyer humor =-= 145
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client who had
attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its
decision,
which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent
a telegram
to his client, reading: "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired
back: "Appeal
at once!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 146
=------------------------------------------------------
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his
place of
eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful
woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity,
and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with
his
pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that
woman's
punishment?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 147
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He
declined, as he
hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the
case.
-= lawyer humor =-= 148
=------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer wandered home at 3 A.M. His wife became very upset,
telling him,
"You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied,
"I'm right
on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
-= lawyer humor =-= 149
=------------------------------------------------------
There is this guy that is standing in the line at the supermarket
and this
quirky looking guy waltzes up behind him. This second guy starts
massaging the
first guy's sholders. The first guy turns around and gives the second
guy a
dirty look. A few minutes later, the second guy starts massaging the
first
guy's sholders again.
The first guy turns around and says, "Hey, I don't know what the
hell you
think you are doing, but quit it!"
The second guy replies, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I thought you
needed
it."
The first guy says, "Yea, so...I'm a lawyer and you don't see me
screwing the
guy in front of me!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 150
=------------------------------------------------------
Two women who hadn't seen each other for a while met at the mall.
One said
to the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I heard you even got
married."
"Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man,
too!"
"Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that bigamy?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 151
=------------------------------------------------------
A young man, distraught from his recent and very bitter divorce,
stopped off
in a tavern to have a beer. After his first sip, he announced, "Man,
lawyers
are nothing but horses' asses."
The bartender looked the young man in the eye and said, "Careful,
son. You're
in horse country!"
-= lawyer humor =-= 152
=------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
And that was the end of the discussion.
-= lawyer humor =-= 153
=------------------------------------------------------
A man was prosecuted. The judge asked him, "Don't you need a lawyer?"
To which
he replies, "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."
-= lawyer humor =-= 154
=------------------------------------------------------
Sue U. University
Law School for the Ethically Disadvantaged
666 Ambulance Chase
Sue Sainte Marie, Michigan
Applicant Type:
[ ] ethically disadvantaged
[ ] disbarred
[ ] kicked out of other law school
[ ] bribe enclosed
[ ] regular (give us a break)
Name:______________________
Alias:_____________________
Cell #:____________________
a) Please submit documents indicating your ethical disadvantage
(i.e., acquittals, newspaper cuttings, prison or parole records,
etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
b) Identify the years when your ethical disadvantage adversely
affected your
academic achievements (i.e. time served, time on the lam, etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
c) Please give lack-of-character references (i.e., defaulted
creditors,
probation officer, arresting police officer, sentencing judge, etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Course Calendar
Legal Ethics: Cancelled due to lack of interest.
Soviet Law Reform: Cancelled.
Tort Law: Sue the bastards!
Military Law: Bang!
Entertainment Law: Snort!
Law of the Seas: Barf!
Taxation Law: Zzz...
Criminal Law: Plead the Fifth!
Immigration Law: Spam the net!
Environmental Law: Cough, Couch, Hack!
Scholarships
Richard Milhous Nixon Memorial Award: Awarded to the law student who
has stolen
the most final law exams without getting caught.
Castles, Rooks & Crooks Entrance Scholarship: Token scholarship
awarded by mega
law firm to keep a high business profile in the academic community
while
obtaining a tax break at the same time.
Cancer & Seagull Spam Award: Awarded to the law student who disrupts
Internet
the most on a global scale.
Please note that the above scholarships are based on Financial Greed.
-= lawyer humor =-= 155
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer is doing a cross examination of the defendant.
Lawyer says, "Now, isn't it true that on the 5th of November last
year, you
rode naked through the streets on top of a dustcart, letting off
fireworks, and
singing 'I did it my way' loudly?"
Defendant asks, "What was the date again?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 156
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a doctor are exchanging small talk at a cocktail party
when
another party-goer interrupts and says, "Excuse me, Doctor, but I
haven't been
feeling well. My nose is stuffed up and I ache all over."
The doctor replies, "It's probably just allergies. Take a
decongestant and
some aspirin. If it doesn't get better in a few days, call my office
for an
appointment."
Seemingly satisfied, the party-goer strolls away.
The doctor turns to the lawyer and says, "It really bugs me when
people come
up to me and ask for free medical advice. Do you think I should send
that person
a bill for my services?"
"Yes, I do." says the lawyer.
The next day, the doctor sends the party-goer a bill. And, the
lawyer sends
the doctor a bill for consulting fees.
-= lawyer humor =-= 157
=------------------------------------------------------
From a T-shirt, copyright 1993, Jack Thomas, ex-attorney:
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:
You met him in prison.
All his law books are from Time-Life.
During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial, you catch him playing with his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
-= lawyer humor =-= 158
=------------------------------------------------------
Here are some books I found in the law library:
"Medicine and Surgery for Lawyers" by A.J. Buzzard
"A Question of Justice" by M. Crook
"Game Laws for 1917" by G.A. Lawyer
"Justice in the States" by W.F. Swindler
"EEC Strict Liability in 1992" by D.E. THIEFfry
-= lawyer humor =-= 159
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was approached by the devil one day. The Prince of
Darkness informed
him that he could arrange it so that he would win *all* of his court
cases, make
twice as much money, work half as hard, be appointed to the Supreme
Court by the
age of 49, and live to be 90. All he had to do was promise the devil
his soul,
the soul of his wife, his children, and the souls of all of his
ancestors.
The lawyer thought for a minute and then responded, "So what's the
catch?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 160
=------------------------------------------------------
Heard on Jay Leno:
There are several movies out now with hard to believe themes such as
"Angels in
the Outfield" and "Mask". The most unbelievable is "The Client",
where a lawyer
takes a case for a dollar.
-= lawyer humor =-= 161
=------------------------------------------------------
It seems that there were two brothers; one went to business school
and became
a banker, the other went to law school and became a lawyer. As will
happen in
some families, they drifted apart. So much so, that they completely
lost touch
with each other; neither knew the address or phone number of the
other.
The banker did very well. He became vice president of a large
eastern bank,
which had many, many branches. One day, the banker realized that they
were soon
approaching the lawyer's 50th birthday and he really ought to try to
locate his
brother. He set about this methodically, got a letter off to various
bar
associations, until finally his efforts were rewarded. He received a
letter
that his brother was vice president and general counsel for a small
circus in an
out-of-the-way place in Kansas. No phone number given. Directory
assistance
was of no help; the circus did not have a telephone.
So the banker flew to Kansas City and then took a bus to Topeka.
At the bus
station in Topeka, he asked a cab driver for help, and the latter
allowed that
for just $20, he could take the banker to the circus. And he did. He
drove the
banker to the outskirts of town and then to a smaller town, and then
to a little
village and at the far end of the village was the circus. A sad
sight. Covered
with Kansas dust. All the trucks and trailers needed a paint job.
Sad. Not
second rate, not even third rate... And there he found his brother's
trailer,
with the brother's name on the door, followed by "Vice President and
General
Counsel."
The banker knocked on the door. The lawyer opened the door. They
tearfully
embraced, and each told the other what he had been doing the last 25
years.
After about 30 minutes of this, the lawyer looked at his watch, and
said, "Time
to give the elephant an enema."
"WHAT?" asked the banker, as the lawyer dressed himself in a yellow
rain
slicker.
"Time to give the elephant his enema," repeated the lawyer.
"What ARE you talking about?" asked the banker.
"Come with me," said the lawyer. "You see, the circus has fallen
on hard
times. We didn't have the money for liability insurance. Last year,
after the
circus had its parade through a small town, an old man slipped on a
'deposit'
the elephant left on the street. The old man broke his leg. We were
sued; no
insurance, and the large judgment which resulted all but wiped us out.
We just
couldn't afford another claim like that. It would put us out of
business. And
there is a parade this afternoon."
With that the lawyer walked outside, dressed in his rain slicker,
grabbed a
fire hose, inserted the nozzle into the elephant's rectum and turned
on the
hydrant. Almost immediately, the elephant had a most normal reaction;
he sprayed
the hapless lawyer from head to toe with fecal matter.
The banker stood there, out of range, and watched these proceedings
in utter
disbelief. First, he couldn't speak at all; then he said to his
brother,
"Please! You don't have to do that! Come back east with me. I have
a good
position with the bank. I can get you a CLEAN job as teller, maybe
even as loan
officer."
And the lawyer, wiping his face, answers, shouting, "WHAT?!! AND
GIVE UP THE
PRACTICE OF LAW???"
-= lawyer humor =-= 162
=------------------------------------------------------
District Attorneys learn in District Attorney School that there are
two
sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
confiscate 53
marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
conference where
you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These
raids never
fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used ones,
have at
least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can
tell, the
locker factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce
you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
sleaze.
This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A juror
at a
pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he finds
nothing
obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities with
live snakes
and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner,
and vote
for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
impression.
- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-= lawyer humor =-= 163
=------------------------------------------------------
Last fall (1993), the California Bar Association finally disciplined
Berkeley
California attorney Morgan Doyle for a string of incidents dating back
eight
years. Among them, according to the bar association: in 1985, he
fired a
shotgun from the room of his apartment building to celebrate what he
called the
exploration of the West and the arrival of a battleship in the San
Francisco
harbor; and in 1991, after the owner of a restaurant refused to yield
to Doyle's
repeated, inexplicable requests for free croissants, Doyle threw food
around the
room and threatened the man and his wife. The bar association, noting
that none
of the incidents involved "moral turpitude", suspended Doyle for 30
days.
-= lawyer humor =-= 164
=------------------------------------------------------
This is supposedly a true story from someone who writes that this
event occurred
during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer
questioning us
began right off as an intimidating showman. Then he came to his
question, "Do
any of you here today dislike lawyers?" We stiffened and hesitated.
Before the
pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
-= lawyer humor =-= 165
=------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer
said,
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was
destroyed by
the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here because
my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also
paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?"
he asked.
-= lawyer humor =-= 166
=------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press article:
Peter Erlinder, a St. Paul, Minn., law professor charged with assault,
may not
choose his fiancee as his attorney, the judge in the case has ruled.
The woman
is also the alleged assault victim in the case, but has recanted her
charge that
Erlinder abused her.
-= lawyer humor =-= 167
=------------------------------------------------------
The requirements for admission to practice law include completion of
general
education at the university level; completion of a three-year
postgraduate law
school curriculum; passing a two- or three-day written bar
examination; and
proof of satisfactory character, the latter requirement being minimal.
- G.C.
Hazard Jr. and Michele Taruffo, "American Civil Procedure" 1993
-= lawyer humor =-= 168
=------------------------------------------------------
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition
would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right
after his
first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad
sued me for
it and won."
-= lawyer humor =-= 169
=------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
Also starting this week is the Heidi Fleiss trial. This is one of the
few cases
where the defendant charges more per hour than the attorney. This is
especially
unusual since they both do the same thing. Heidi was back in jail
after testing
positive for drugs. She claims the drugs were for her asthma. That
would
explain the heavy breathing when you call her on the phone.
-= lawyer humor =-= 170
=------------------------------------------------------
Jurassic Park has been released on video. I can't help but
wonder...how many
people will buy it for the great acting...how many people will buy it
for the
special effects...and how many people will buy it to see the lawyer
get eaten
again?
-= lawyer humor =-= 171
=------------------------------------------------------
In compiling a grammatical text, we were faced with the problem of
finding
numerous example sentences to illustrate semantic differences. We had
some
problems with finding a good example for contrastive adjectives.
Eventually, we
settled on the sentence:
These are biological not chemical weapons.
Our first example was:
They hired a criminal not a corporate lawyer.
Unfortunately, non-linguists had a hard time realizing that we meant
"criminal"
to be an adjective and not a noun...
-= lawyer humor =-= 172
=------------------------------------------------------
A ferocious tiger takes a bite from a huge pile of steaming elephant
dung and
then promptly spits it out. After he regains his composure, he takes
another
bite and then spits it out too. The tiger continues this procedure
several more
times until the elephant comes along and asks him what he's doing.
The tiger
responds that he's just eaten a lawyer and trying to get rid of the
taste.
-= lawyer humor =-= 173
=------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a
skimpy bikini
walks by. Lawyer #1 says, "Boy, wouldn't you like to screw her?"
Lawyer #2
then asks, "Screw her out of what?"
-= lawyer humor =-= 174
=------------------------------------------------------
Shakespeare wrote in "Julius Caesar": "First thing we do, we kill all
the
lawyers." And people think Shakespeare is old. He was way ahead of
his time.
-= lawyer humor =-= 175
=------------------------------------------------------
During the 1994 sweep of the Republicans into office, Steve
Mansfield was
elected to Texas' highest court that handles criminal appeals. Among
Mansfield's pre-election lies or exaggerations (freely admitted in a
*post-election* interview in the publication "Texas Lawyer"), that he
was born
in Texas (he was actually born in Massachusetts), that he dated a
woman "who
died" (she is still alive), and that he "appeared" in courts in
Illinois (never)
and Florida (advised a friend of his, but not as a lawyer).
During the interview, Mansfield said that he lived in Houston as a
kid, but
when the reporter asked if that was a lie, Mansfield called those and
other
instances "puffery" and "exaggerations," and said he would stop doing
that now
he is one of the highest ranking judges in Texas.
-= lawyer humor =-= 176
=------------------------------------------------------
Another Form Of Lawyer Bashing
From the Daily Collegian:
Stockholm, Sweden - A convicted killer barred from taping his trial
beat up his
two defense attorneys with a tape recorder yesterday, briefly halting
the trial.
John Asonius, 41, was overpowered by guards and dragged from court as
his public
attorneys wiped blood from their foreheads, the news agency TT said.
The
proceedings resumed hours later, with the attorneys sitting farther
away.
-= lawyer humor =-= 177
=------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, January 19, 1995
Top Ten Signs Your Legal Team Is Falling Apart
10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish.
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock
handle this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers.
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs".
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn.
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of
Mujibur
and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers.